0:00:15 > 0:00:16Yup.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21This is one slow toaster.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Yes, siree, Bob.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30That's the thing about Lady Toast.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Makes you wait.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Gives you time to think.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38To cogitate.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42To pon...der.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Is there a gun in this house?
0:00:45 > 0:00:50Here's me waiting for white toast and you waiting for brown toast.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55- That's interesting, isn't it? - It's a five-hour drive away from interesting.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58All I'm saying is there are basic...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01differences, similarities...
0:01:06 > 0:01:10That's it. We've officially run out of conversation.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Only because you refused to keep the toast ball in the air.
0:01:14 > 0:01:19Look at us. Alone in this house, nothing to say, no kids any more, we've got nothing.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Oop, we've got toast.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Thank you.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Come on. We always knew the kids would fly the nest eventually.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I suppose so. It just makes me feel sad now they've gone.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36It shouldn't! They're learning to be independent, standing on their own two feet.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I guess you're right. We should let them spread their wings.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Exactly. They're making their own way in the world. - We should be proud of them.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48- Are these eggs still good? - Is there any more washing powder?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51If we don't turn round, we can just pretend they're not there.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Sorry, heavy night.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Lost my flat keys.
0:01:55 > 0:02:00- How do you work the dryer on this? - You don't. Which reminds me...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Oh, great.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05What a lovely start to our anniversary.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh, yeah, it's your anniversary.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09That's why there's a party atmosphere(!)
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- This year's a big one, isn't it? - Yup, quite a millstone. Milestone!
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I said milestone.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- What have you got us? - It better be good.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Considering we gave you the miracle of life.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Oh, your present.
0:02:25 > 0:02:31- We got you the ultimate anniversary gift. Remember, Mikey? - Oh, right, that.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33We got you...
0:02:33 > 0:02:38an all-expenses-paid holiday.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Wow. Gosh.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Oh, wow, that's... That's... That's...great.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Because, er, we noticed the two of you never go away together.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51If you'd rather not go, absolutely no problem at all.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53They'll give a full refund, won't they?
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Full refund. It'll be as if we never bothered to book it in the first place.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03So you two got us a holiday, just for us two?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- Mmm-hmm! For two whole weeks. - Where are we going?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- Overseas.- Yeah, er, Spain.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Day after tomorrow. Alone at last.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Wow...- Seeing everything together.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20Well, that's really, really nice of you guys...
0:03:20 > 0:03:23It's just, it's very short notice, isn't it, Ben?
0:03:23 > 0:03:29Yeah... I don't think I can cancel my appointments, better check the diary.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Er, diary, diary, diary, diary is...
0:03:31 > 0:03:37- in the other room. Susan, could you just help me check the diary? - Yes, sure.- Help me!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Just...
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- What will we do?- Don't they know we've never had a good holiday?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Every time we go away together, it goes pear shaped.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51- That's an understatement. I still have the scars. Sardinia. '88.- Yeah, Mauritius. '03.
0:03:51 > 0:03:57Oh, I'm so sorry...but I can do better than that. Portugal '97.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I thought you were already in the car.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02So who do you think was screaming?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06All right, all right. Let's face it, we can't go on this holiday.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09What do we tell the kids? I can't believe they considered our feelings.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I can't believe we're considering THEIRS.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Maybe we should go. The law of probability says we've got to have at least one holiday
0:04:17 > 0:04:20that doesn't leave us mentally or physically scarred.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- OK, OK, OK. But no pool-side barbecues.- No fireworks.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28- No swimming with dolphins.- No matter how friendly they look.- Yeah.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33Just when I think you and I are not related, you pretend to book our parents on a non-existent holiday.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38It feels good to give nothing, doesn't it? Gives you a warm, yet cheap feeling inside.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- True.- I mean, besides, there was no point actually buying that holiday,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45because, A, we can't afford it, and B, we knew they'd never go on it.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- We've made a decision. - We're going on holiday.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It's going to be brilliant.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52BOTH: Brilliant...
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Well, this is a disaster.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Ben, I'm sure they can get you some peanuts.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02It's not just that.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I've got a really funny feeling about this whole thing. It'll be worse than our honeymoon.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11It's not. What are the chances of being hit by a water cannon AGAIN?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I don't know, but what were the chances of
0:05:13 > 0:05:17an aggressive little midget setting fire to our bridal suite?
0:05:17 > 0:05:201,000/1, but it still happened, didn't it?
0:05:20 > 0:05:26I'm sorry, I find that slightly offensive.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Sorry, are you some kind of giant midget?
0:05:30 > 0:05:34No. I just don't like people being rude about minorities.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I've got nothing against midgets, per se.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Just that at this particular time, we had a very dodgy midget.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- Can I get you some ice with that? - Oh, si, por favor.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- Gracias.- Quiere algo a beber? - Peanuts.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54She asked if you wanted something to drink.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59I know. And I know the answer to this. "Uno ser-vay-sa, por favor".
0:05:59 > 0:06:01"Ther bay tha", por favor.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06You actually pronounce it "ther-bay-tha". "Therbaytha".
0:06:06 > 0:06:11- Thorry?- "Ther bay tha". "Therbaytha".
0:06:11 > 0:06:16- Jutht thtay out of thith.- You see, if we were in South America, you'd have been correct to pronounce it
0:06:16 > 0:06:23"ser vay sa", but people in Spain pronounce their Cs in that context with a "th" sound.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Swap places with me, will you?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Anything to stop you going to the dark side.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Oh, great, now you've landed me with a duff seat.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- I suppose you want me to swap seats again?- Oh, no, no, no.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42- You sit and enjoy Senor Wikipedia. I'm going to fix this. - Ben, try to relax.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45We owe it to the kids. This holiday can't have been cheap.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Ha-ha, on this airline, are you serious?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I'm surprised they haven't stuck us below in a packing crate,
0:06:50 > 0:06:54wedged between a chicken and an upright piano.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Swap seats with me?
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Wait, so you charged the entire holiday to Dad's credit card?
0:07:01 > 0:07:06- How is he not going to notice that? - Janey, I had to find out his card number, his password,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09transfer his money, all in one day, without him noticing.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12So before we do the whole "Mikey's an idiot" thing,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15can we take a moment to appreciate my flipping genius?!
0:07:15 > 0:07:21OK, then...genius. How do we pay the money back before he notices?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I've been thinking about that.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26You know that show, Cash In The Attic?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Is that where they go through your house with
0:07:28 > 0:07:31an antiques expert, and then sell your old stuff at auction?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35No, that's The Wire(!) Yeah, that's the show.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Be sarcastic if you like, but there is nothing interesting in our attic,
0:07:38 > 0:07:44except for those weird drawings Roger did of the moon and that noose no-one will admit to rigging up.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Look, it doesn't actually have to come from the attic.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Just, you know, anything worth a few quid that no-one's going to miss.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I suppose I could get rid of the Barbie Doll collection.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Janey, you can't.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00It took me years to collect those.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05So I walk in and who should be sitting there but Chano Dominguez!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07That's amazing...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Who's Chano Dominguez?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14He's probably the most famous flamenco jazz pianist working in Spain today.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17And that's how he ended up playing at my daughter's wedding.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- That's an amazing story. - Well, it's a story.- Ben.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I am going to relax in this seat if it bloody kills me.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- Come on, let's toast.- OK, OK, In the words of Mr Phil Collins...
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Ooh that's so weird! I love Phil Collins!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35No way! I love Phil Collins too.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Almost as much as I love you.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- To us.- To us.- And Mr Phil Collins.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Sorry, can I, um... Could I borrow your sick bag?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Have you not got one of your own? - Trust me, I'll fill 'em both.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Thanks very much.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I'm going to give this seat one last push, come on!
0:09:03 > 0:09:08- Come on!- What are you doing? - Oh, I'm sorry. Er, nurse, nurse!
0:09:08 > 0:09:15Er, steward...ess! Please, help. Um, could my wife and I exchange seats? This one appears to be...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Sorry. ..broken.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Yes, not a problem. I'll find you two together.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Do they have to be together?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Excuse me.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Um, I haven't had my snack.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I'm sorry, sir, I've already served this row.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I wasn't sitting in this row when you served it.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Yes, but now you have to wait because I am serving the row you just left.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Isn't that typical?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Ben... That's the difference between us.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46With me, the glass is always half full.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48With you, the glass is always half empty.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Right now, I'd just settle for a glass.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Oh, please stop moaning. - Well, why should I?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Could you both please calm down?!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Excuse me?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00When you argue, you use more oxygen.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03If the pressure goes, we'll need that oxygen.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07We need to preserve the oxygen!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Thank you, Shelley Winters,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13I think we know who's using all the oxygen around here.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18- You pressed the call button, sir? - No.- Yes, there's a light flashing on the wing. Is something wrong?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21No, it's completely normal.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Yeah, that's what they always say! "Everything's fine."
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Then before you know it, it's "Brace! Brace!" Then bam!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Body parts, twisted metal.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Just... Just relax, OK? Calm down, calm down.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38I mean, these planes are making countless journeys every day.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- They probably don't have time to service them most of the time.- Oh, my God.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Just relax, OK? These pilots know what they're doing,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47they're flying these buckets 20, 30 times a day.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50They can fly them in their sleep!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Probably ARE asleep most of the time.
0:10:52 > 0:10:58- The pilot's asleep? The pilot's asleep!- Calm down.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02It's all right, calm down, Just calm down. Sorry.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07Look, if we do crash, you're hardly short of an air bag or two, are you?
0:11:08 > 0:11:14Mind you, if we hit water, I know what I'm using as a flotation device.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- Do you want to give me a hand with this piano? - Janey, you can't flog the piano.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Why not? When's the last time anyone played it?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Look, I know we weren't exactly raised by Chas & Dave,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26but I think our parents might notice a missing piano.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31Well, I hope you found something, because someone from the show's coming round this afternoon.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33You got us on Cash In The Attic with one call?
0:11:33 > 0:11:37No, first they send an expert round to do an appraisal but if he's impressed, it's show time!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41A camera crew shows up and we'll be as famous as the people on Cash In The Attic.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46- Who ARE the people on Cash In The Attic?- I don't know.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Hang on a minute.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I can't hear the engines. The engines have cut out!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55That's because we're on the ground. We landed.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- When?- Just after you hyperventilated and passed out.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Why does my jaw feel swollen?
0:12:02 > 0:12:07- You just needed a little help passing out.- Oh, not again. Why do I have to be such a nervous passenger?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11'Ladies and gents, bit of bad news, I'm afraid there's been a suspected outbreak
0:12:11 > 0:12:15'of the H7N1 virus in the UK
0:12:15 > 0:12:20'and the Spanish authorities want to keep us in quarantine until they're certain no-one's carrying it.'
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- Oh, Ben, you idiot. - What have I done now?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Sorry. Force of habit.
0:12:26 > 0:12:33'We apologise for any inconvenience. We will try our best to make you as comfortable as possible. Thank you.'
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I think I've got the virus. I feel sweaty.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Do you need a little help passing out again?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Oh, great.
0:12:48 > 0:12:53That's just great. Stuck in a bubble in a Spanish airport.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55What else...
0:12:57 > 0:13:01You'd think on a plane that size, we would have noticed a nun with a guitar, wouldn't you?
0:13:01 > 0:13:06Oh, the bubble is alive with the sound of music!
0:13:06 > 0:13:11I know this isn't what we expected, but let's try and make the best of it, shall we?
0:13:11 > 0:13:17Oh, yeah, make the best of it, about to die with a bunch of morons with a mutant virus...
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Oh, that is great, first a naffing seat now a naffing bed!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Try lying the other way round.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- Can I get you a pillow? - Why don't you just shut up?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Shut up and let me die in peace.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35You in here too, are you?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- Oh, no.- Listen, we should keep warm.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Once night falls, it's going to get pretty cold around here.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45We need to make a fire.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47We're on the inside.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Then we'd better cuddle up. - We'll light a fire.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- Is this it?- Yep.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57The most valuable thing here is the box.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- Hey, how about that clock? - Nah, Mum's always going on about it.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- She'll notice it's missing. - DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:04 > 0:14:07OK, don't worry, don't panic, it'll be some old doddery guy
0:14:07 > 0:14:09so just let the miniskirt do the talking.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Hi, you must be from Cash In The Attic. I'm Janey.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Thorndyke.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Thorndyke. What a sexy name. Is that a Mr Thorndyke?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Just Thorndyke.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Hello, I'm Michael Harper.
0:14:28 > 0:14:36Right, before we start, answer me this - have you ever seen any crooks or con men on Cash In The Attic?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- No.- No. Do you know why?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Because the antiques world is a club...
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and you just met the bouncer.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Now, I've got another ten houses to see today, so impress me and do it fast.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Unless those are over 200 years old, I'm not interested, sweetheart.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08I can't take any more of this, Susan.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Ben, it's been ten minutes.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I'm sorry, but your husband's right.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14They could keep us in here indefinitely.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17We had no meal on the plane, there's no food in here...
0:15:17 > 0:15:23I'm just saying, eventually one of us might have to make the ultimate sacrifice.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Wait, no, not me! I'd taste horrible.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I've just gone vegetarian.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Those two will probably end up eating each other.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39In a situation like this, there's only one thing that'll kill you and that is boredom.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43So what I say is, let's all sit in a circle and tell some stories
0:15:43 > 0:15:46and maybe Sister Brenda would sing us a song or two.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50It's like The Poseidon Adventure without the adventure.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Why can't you join in for once?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Because I'm an individual, Susan.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56They're in their bubble, I'm in mine.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I'm in my own bubble. A sort of...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00double bubble.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- I'm sorry, but my husband doesn't want to join us.- Oh, finally, food.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- Ah, great, food! - No, no, no, no, no. You wait your turn.- No, no, no, hang on...
0:16:09 > 0:16:12No, no, no. Sorry, Ben. You can't just join us for the good times.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Good times!- When the going got tough, you abandoned us.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- Listen, I was two feet away! - OK, now listen, has everybody...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22No, sorry. Has everybody in our group got some food? Yep?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- OK, would anybody else like some food?- Yes, I...
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Great. At last, I get my peanuts.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32You made your bed, it collapsed, now you have to lie in it.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35OK, guys, let's tell some stories.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Hello, what's your name?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- Pepe.- Pepe. Hello, Pepe. Ben.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48You have chocolate, uh?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51May I have a little bit of chocolate, Pepe?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Si.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Hang on, hang on.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04KLAXON BLASTS
0:17:10 > 0:17:14It's OK, it's all right, it's all right. It's OK, it's all right. It's nothing, nothing major.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21OK, well this is a device for making fizzy drinks.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Now, I believe it dates back to the 1970s, when my father was...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28It's worthless. Move on.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Right, OK, er...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32What about this? Mmm?
0:17:32 > 0:17:37I know it's just a cheese-grater, but it was actually a gift to my Aunt from Princess Anne.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41So why does it say "Ikea" on it?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- I think you'll find that's the Royal Crest.- It's Ikea.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50- I'm sure it's the Royal Crest. - Come on, you're wasting my time! - OK, OK. Well, what about this?
0:17:50 > 0:17:54It's been in our family for years. I think it's quite an unusual item.
0:17:54 > 0:18:00Ah, this is a Georgian reproduction, dating back to the 1950s.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02You know who else has one of these?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- Who?- Everybody! It's worthless. I'm out of here.- No, wait!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Wait, there's more!- Oh, give it up.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14There are no antiques in this house... CLOCK CHIMES
0:18:14 > 0:18:17..except...that!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Pepe, hey!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Wey-hey, Barcelona!
0:18:33 > 0:18:39- What did he say?- He says, um... He'd very much like to play football with you.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Big fan back there, Susan.- Yeah.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53- Let's sleep at different times. - And who should be sitting there but Chano Dominguez...
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Oh, no, not that again.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01- I don't know how I put up with you. - Me?- You always have to be the angry outsider, don't you?
0:19:01 > 0:19:06- You're not so different from me. - Oh, rubbish, I'm completely different from you.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Now, if you don't mind, I want to go and hear Sister Brenda sing.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Can't wait, Sister Brenda - live in the bubble!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Oh, shut up!
0:19:16 > 0:19:22You do realise this is worth about £3,000 at auction?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Really? But it's so old.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30We can't sell it. Our mum loves that clock.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Let me tell you a little something about "The Attic".
0:19:33 > 0:19:36You don't just waltz onto the show with a load of junk.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41- I know, but this is Mum's... - Newsflash! Cash In The Attic is one of the biggest shows on daytime TV.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46So you need to ask yourself, do I really want to do this?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Oh, we want to do it.- Do you?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I don't think you're hungry enough.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Oh, we are, we are! We're starving...for antiques.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Look, we just need the money.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Then what are you prepared to do?
0:20:01 > 0:20:02We're...
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- prepared to...sell the antique clock.- I'm sorry...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I didn't quite catch that.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- BOTH MUMBLE:- We're prepared to sell the antique clock.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16Then, Michael, Janey, your money worries are well and truly over.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Is the clock really worth that much?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Worth that much?
0:20:20 > 0:20:27Son, when bidding starts at the Chiswick Municipal Auction House, trust me, that baby is going to kill.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Well, looks like we're in the antiques business.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42It's weird. I feel excited and bored at the same time.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00HE MOUTHS
0:21:28 > 0:21:30HE MOUTHS
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Chano Dominguez...
0:22:00 > 0:22:03UKULELE SOUNDS DISCORDANT NOTE
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Stealing food from nuns now, I see.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Look, she had food, I had none.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Did she help the needy? No.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Because she's a one-way nun, Susan.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Ladies and gentlemen, we have been observing you for a while.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Oh, my God, they saw me!
0:22:29 > 0:22:33As nobody has exhibited any signs of the virus, we will shortly be releasing you.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35SIGHS OF RELIEF
0:22:35 > 0:22:37BEN SPLUTTERS
0:22:42 > 0:22:48I am sorry, but in the light of this man's symptoms we had better postpone that decision for 24 hours.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- It's OK! No, you don't understand, I'm not sick!- We'll be back shortly to take blood tests.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56No, it's OK, you don't understand, I'm fine, I was just choking!
0:22:56 > 0:22:57On a...on a banana!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Hang on...that was MY banana.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06You actually stole a nun's banana?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10What kind of a person steals a banana from a nun?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I'm not sick! We're all fine, we can go now! It's all right!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18I mean, there's nothing remotely wrong with me. Is there, Susan?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I have never met this man before in my life.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33I cannot believe you disowned me last night. Over a banana?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It was like the Last Supper.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- So you're Jesus now? - Well, what happened to loyalty?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39What happened to tolerance?
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Why can't you tolerate these people? They're just normal, decent people.
0:23:43 > 0:23:49Normal, dec... They're just a bunch of do-gooders and know-it-alls, and I've had it up to there, Susan!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Erm...
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Erm, can we just say, you are an angel.
0:23:59 > 0:24:05Yeah, I mean...we know that marriages take work, but, my word, you really put the effort in.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Well done, you. - Yeah. Well done, you.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Yay, Susan!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Susan, yay!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Patronising gits.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18And who should be sitting there but Chano Dominguez, you know,
0:24:18 > 0:24:22probably the most famous flamenco jazz pianist working in Spain today.
0:24:22 > 0:24:28- Does he ever get tired of that stupid story?- Patience, Susan.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Listen, I think I know someone who can help us through this.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- Really? Who?- Jesus.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36He is the way, the truth, the light.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Yes. Shame he's not the door.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Well, there's no need for sarcasm.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Yes, I know, I don't like this any more than you do, Pepe.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Idiot!- No, that's singular.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- You want to try the plural. You know, "They're all idiots!"- Idiot!
0:24:50 > 0:24:55Yeah... No, no, no. Try another word. "Cretins" or "morons" or "numbskulls".
0:24:55 > 0:24:57You are the idiot!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I see. That's why you're using the singular.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01That's very good. OK.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03How's tricks, compadre?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Oh, fine. Just starting to get a little cabin fever.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11Ah, that's an interesting story. Now, do you know the origin to the phrase "cabin fever"?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Yes.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18- You know they're never going to let us out of here, don't you?- Oh, you're being ridiculous.- Am I? Am I?
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- Yes. Yes.- I'm telling you, they'll contain this virus at any cost.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- At any cost! - Will you please just stop talking?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28No, silence is what they want. They want to hush this whole thing up.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Sure, they'll tell us we're free to go, but the minute we go through that door...
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- BAM!- Oh, God! - Bullet to the back of the head.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Starting to sound appealing.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42# He's got the whole world...
0:25:42 > 0:25:43# In his hands
0:25:43 > 0:25:47- # He's got the whole... # - Come on, Susan, join in.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- # In his hands... #- No, thank you. - Come on, Susan, join us!
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- No, really.- Go, Susan! Go, Susan! Go, Susan! Go, Susan!
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Will you people shut the hell up?!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01# He's got the very angry lady...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# In his hands
0:26:04 > 0:26:08# He's got a very angry lady in his hands, he's got... #
0:26:10 > 0:26:11What is wrong with you?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Sister Brenda, did you never hear about the vow of silence?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18And you, Captain Anecdote,
0:26:18 > 0:26:23nobody gives a rat's arse about Chano De-bloody-minguez!
0:26:23 > 0:26:27And as for you, you are going to die one day.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Live with it!
0:26:30 > 0:26:35Ladies and gentlemen, the blood tests have come back negative. You are free to go.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:44I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54And we're all enjoying the flamenco evening when who should I bump into?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57No, not Chano Dominguez.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Alfredo Cortez, the champion bullfighter.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04He used his sword to slice my chorizo.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Hello? Hello?
0:27:08 > 0:27:09I told you not to fiddle with it!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I did not fiddle with it!
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Ooh!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- You're an idiot!- Sorry...sorry...
0:27:17 > 0:27:22This is terrible weather for flying, and I read somewhere that most planes crash on the return leg.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24- I'm telling you, Susan... - THWACK!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28He passed out again?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Yep.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36So, what do you think? Not bad for 20 quid, huh?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40We're never going to get away with it.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42It looks nothing like the old one.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44What? It's...similar.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45In that it's a clock.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47BEN AND SUSAN CHEER
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- Hi!- Oh, welcome back. How was the holiday?
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Yes, good, great, great, yeah... We actually got on for a change.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55We barely left the hotel room.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59- Ugh.- And here's a cheque for £3,000 for you two.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00I'm sorry?
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Because of what happened we were reimbursed for the whole trip.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Yeah, about that. We didn't...
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Really, really, really appreciate it. Thanks, Mum.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- Ah, ah, ah, and Dad too! - And thanks, Dad!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I could have kept that money for myself, you know.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- In fact he tried to.- Come on, let's go and unpack, senorita.- Si, senor!
0:28:19 > 0:28:23ALARM SOUNDS, CUCKOO NOISE
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- Michael!- Janey!
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Subtitles by Red Media Ltd
0:28:58 > 0:28:59E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk