0:00:13 > 0:00:16I see you found the brochure, then.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Look, I'm not really worried about going bald, all right?
0:00:23 > 0:00:26I just wanted to investigate the...cost of hair plugs.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32- Ben, this is a brochure about a Couples Retreat.- It...
0:00:34 > 0:00:38BEN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Did you like my joke about the hair loss clinic?
0:00:40 > 0:00:44I thought it was a really funny thing to say, since I'm not really going bald,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I mean, I've got a full head of hair, you know...
0:00:47 > 0:00:51it's full...head, of hair, and, eh,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53hence the joke about the nonexistent brochure
0:00:53 > 0:00:58which I invented solely for the purposes of the...ahem, joke.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- It's a good joke, Ben. - Thank you. Thank you.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I think we should go on one of these Couples Retreat weekends.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11They're all about finding shared activities to keep a marriage fresh.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Isn't that what this bed's for?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I said SHARED activities.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23And don't even think about saying no to this.
0:01:23 > 0:01:28You bought a new car last week, so we're going, OK?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- I hate you. - That's Ben for "Yes," isn't it?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Have you seen my bookmark?
0:01:33 > 0:01:38It's in your bedside drawer. Underneath the hair loss brochure.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Nice with Mum and Dad off on that course, isn't it?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01If you took them out of the equation, we'd never have had to move out.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04True. I'm glad we did, though. I love the independence.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Me too. More free toast?
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Don't mind if I do.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12What I enjoy most about Dad not being here,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15is I can finish a sentence without someone insulting me.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18It's like my opinion actually counts.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I can formulate thoughts and articulate them...
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- Shut up, Mikey.- Thanks.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26We shouldn't feel guilty sponging off them.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30They go away knowing two responsible adults are looking after the house.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Hey, guys. You know the front door is wide open?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Hey, Matt.- You left your watch at my place last night.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Ah, the classic, "Leave something behind so you have to see each other again."
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Janey, we've been seeing each other for a while.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49We don't need to play stupid, little games to see each other again.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54- I also wanted to talk to you about tonight...- God, you're leaving me!
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- No! I just wanted to check you're still up for clubbing? - Oh, yeah. Of course!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Oh, God, it's been ages since I went dancing.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- Why don't you come with us?- She can't. She's got Kenzo.- No, I don't.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- He's with his dad tonight. - Then she's sick.
0:03:09 > 0:03:15- No, I'm not!- Oh, come on, it'll be fun! See you about eight.- Great.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Sounds cool(!)
0:03:18 > 0:03:21And I'll shut the door on the way out.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28- You really can't take a hint, can you?- Yes, I can, I'm not an idiot.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Right. So you'll be "washing your hair" tonight, then?
0:03:31 > 0:03:37No, I washed it this morning. I'm coming clubbing with you, stupid!
0:03:46 > 0:03:51"Help keep your marriage fresh." Oh, that's what they do here, is it?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53What is this, a fantasy camp?
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Do you want to get into the spirit of this, or be brutally murdered in the Garden Of Tranquillity?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02It's a chance to take stock of our marriage and correct things.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- We're only here for the weekend. - Ben!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Marriage is a time bomb, Susan.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11For some reason, our particular bomb has never exploded,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13don't ask me why it's never exploded
0:04:13 > 0:04:15but let's not mess with the wiring now, shall we?
0:04:15 > 0:04:20Welcome, welcome. I'm Robin Tyler, director of the retreat.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And I'm Ben Harper, retreating from the director.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27We try to avoid sarcasm here. It can be damaging to a marriage.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30That ship sailed years ago.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Now, if you'd like to pick three bonding activities,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I'll see you later in the Holistic Centre
0:04:35 > 0:04:38for a healthy lunch of beans and pulses.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Pulses?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43That brutally murdered thing is now sounding quite attractive.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Just pick an activity. - Ooh, look, here's one!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- "Getting In The Car And Going." - You know what?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52We'll never agree. Let's just close our eyes and hope for the best.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- I'm pretty sure that's how we ended up with Nick.- Meditation. Yesss!
0:04:56 > 0:05:01- Your turn.- Please, Sleep Therapy, Sleep Therapy, Sleep Therapy...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Pottery. That's great.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07I can build a nice, big pot and bash my brains in with it(!)
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Ooh, whoo-ho, that sounds a bit raunchy, Marital Arts.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12No, no, it says, "Martial Arts," dumbo!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15OK, either way, we get to hit each other, right?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Let's get to the Holistic Centre.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I'm not drunk!
0:05:20 > 0:05:24I just didn't like having to share a taxi with so many people.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Janey, we caught the bus!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30That club was so loud. I think I've gone deaf!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33You all right, Mike? Do you want a drink or something?
0:05:33 > 0:05:38No, but I could use a drink or something.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43Man, your sister blowing that whistle at the start of every song, didn't you love that?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Yeah, I just loved that. - I'm starving! Have you got any food?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- You hungry, Mike?- Yeah.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- I'll get nachos. - No, no, I hate those.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Get nachos!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56How could you invite her clubbing?
0:05:56 > 0:06:00She's like the offspring of a wind-up toy and a dancing Santa.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03'Hey, Mikey, you might be deaf, but I'm not!'
0:06:03 > 0:06:04See? She's fun.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08And how does she know the words to every single Kylie song?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I have never felt less gay.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Are you ready, are you ready, boys? Cos it's nacho-clock!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20That was a lot funnier in the kitchen.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22OK, so what are we watching?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- Does she never take the hint? - Oh, lighten up, Mike.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Be right with you, hon. Just going to use your loo.- OK.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33- Janey?- Yeah?- I don't want to be rude, but is there any way you could...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Ah, say no more, Mike, OK. I'm way ahead of you.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Three Tequila Slammers coming right up.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Whoo-ooh!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- Oh! Ah! - DOOR BANGS
0:06:50 > 0:06:52How are you feeling?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55It's weird, despite all those Tequila Slammers, I feel great.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- I even went for a run, I feel fantastic.- Really?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Cos when I left you last night, you were face down on the sofa,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04fast asleep, with your hand in a bowl of nachos.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06What can I say? I feel fine, now.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- Well, you know why that is, don't you?- Why?- Because you're dreaming.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Come on, Michael. I think I'd know if I were dreaming.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Then why am I going out with a fridge?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21And why is that fridge now wearing...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23a cowboy hat?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25That doesn't prove I'm dreaming.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Janey, I'm also being nice to you.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32So what does that tell you?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Oh, NO!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Oh, no!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51JANEY PANTS
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Water.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Water!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04No! Bed, then water.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Mummy!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18(Oh!) I feel like the entire cast of Stomp
0:08:18 > 0:08:21are banging dustbins around in my head.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Hmmm.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29Listen, Mikey, I'm...sorry if I outstayed my welcome last night.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Don't worry. You weren't welcome in the first place.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37OK, there's only one aspirin left. How bad is your hangover?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39My hangover's not the problem.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- What do you mean?- Matt dumped me.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Mike, that's terrible.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I don't get it, what reason did he give?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I don't want to talk about it.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53No, I understand.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55JANEY SIGHS
0:08:56 > 0:08:59So what was it? Did he find you too clingy?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Please, Janey. I don't want to talk about it.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Sorry. Besides, you're not too clingy, that's crazy.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Thank you?
0:09:08 > 0:09:13And if Matt can't handle that weird, slightly robotic, distant thing you do, then that's his loss.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Would you just shut up?!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18If you must know, he didn't say I was too clingy.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- He didn't say any of that. - So what reason did he give?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24He didn't give a reason. He just said it wasn't my fault.
0:09:24 > 0:09:30Come here. Listen, I know all about the pain of being dumped, OK.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34I've done it to a thousand guys. So if there's anything you want,
0:09:34 > 0:09:38anything at all, just let me know. OK? I'm here for you.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42It's just so sudden. I don't know what I've done wrong.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47JANEY'S PHONE RINGS
0:09:47 > 0:09:50No, no, you're my priority. Go on.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54I feel like he never even gave what we had a chance.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56That's good, go on.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58We were good together. And...
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I guess...the thing I'm going to miss the most -
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I'm sorry, I can't do it!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Hoo.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Hiy! Cha-ka!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Cha-ka cha-ka! Woo woo! Cha-ka!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Woo-yaka! Chak chak doo doo!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17The hand is quicker than the eye, Susan.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21You are looking at Chiswick's answer to Bruce Lee. Woo woo, choo!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Bruce Forsyth, more like.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Martial arts is not about aggression,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30it is about controlling your aggression.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Hear that, Susan?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I'm going to take you down to Injury Town,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38taking a left at Agony Avenue and dropping you off
0:10:38 > 0:10:40at P-P-Pain Station. Boo cha!
0:10:40 > 0:10:46- Ben?- Sorry, yes?- That is the exact opposite of what I just said.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49OK. Sorry, Rob.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52You are going out like a candle in a hurricane, baby.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Woo, cha-ka cha-ka! Whoo!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Hi, Janey. You all right?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Ugh, this hangover's really catching up with me.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- So, I guess you heard about Mikey and I?- Yeah.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I'm sorry it didn't work out with you guys.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12He'll be back in a bit, just gone to get a DVD.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15It was actually you I came to see.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Me?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Oh, I see.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Matt, Matt, Matt.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27You're not the first guy who thinks he's gay,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30then meets me and realises he's straight.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm flattered,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35but I can't break another formerly gay, man's heart.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Janey, I was only going to ask if you wanted to stay friends?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Oh. I knew that!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I had such fun hanging out with you,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and just cos Mikey and I didn't work out, there's no reason
0:11:47 > 0:11:49why you and I can't be friends, is there?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Of course not. We have fun together. - Great!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It's none of my business, but why didn't it work with Mike?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Chemistry, really. - You either click or you don't!
0:11:58 > 0:12:03No, he kept going on about chemistry!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Oh! Ah, ah, ah! Oh!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Pretty pathetic.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Being beaten up by your own wife.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12You fought dirty!
0:12:12 > 0:12:16I was just abiding by the rules.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Martial arts are ancient and noble.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22There is nothing ancient and noble about sitting on my head,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25tickling me and giving me a wedgy!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I've never felt so humiliated in my life!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Agh! Ah!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35And though it pains me to admit it
0:12:35 > 0:12:39and I am in considerable pain at the moment...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41you did well.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Yeah, OK, I admire you. The best person won.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48How hard did I hit you?!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51So this thing tonight is an aftershow party?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Matt, I will not get all starry.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57It's not like Leonardo DiCaprio's going to be there.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Leonardo DiCaprio's going to be there?!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I need to pick an outfit and hyperventilate until I pass out!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06See you later, bye.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09So, how about a DVD evening tonight?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Oh, I'd love to, but I'm out.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Can't you cancel?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Matt's dumped me, I could use the company.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Go on, I've rented that Bette Midler movie, Beaches.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Ooh, I can't.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- Why not?- I don't...like that film.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32OK, three things just told me you're lying.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35One - your eyes widened too much.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Two - you hesitated before you said it,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41and three - there isn't a person on this planet
0:13:41 > 0:13:43who isn't moved by the touching story
0:13:43 > 0:13:46of a lifelong friendship, torn apart by fame
0:13:46 > 0:13:49and reunited by a tragic illness,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52all to the sound of the classic ballad, Wind Beneath My Wings!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54OK, fine, I was lying!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- You're going to that party with Matt. - No. What party?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00The one he originally invited me to, Janey!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03The one with DiCaprio and an ice rink made out of frozen champagne.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06And to go with my ex! How do you think that makes me feel?!
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- There's actually an ice rink made out of champagne?- Not the point!
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Janey, you don't stay in touch with your brother's ex.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17You just don't do it. It's an unspoken rule.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22- I've never heard of it. - That's because it's unspoken!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Welcome to Positive Dynamics.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28The idea with this session is to focus
0:14:28 > 0:14:30on the strengths in your relationship.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34So to start with, I'd like each of you to write down ten things
0:14:34 > 0:14:37you love about your partner.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43This is a bit of a cod psychology, isn't it?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- We love each other. What difference is this going to make?- Ben, please.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28(Sorry.)
0:16:34 > 0:16:37BEN LAUGHS
0:16:37 > 0:16:39BEN WHISTLES
0:16:55 > 0:16:58We're off to the coffee bar. Do you want anything?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Mmm...eight things I love about my wife.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Nine for me.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Oh, hi!- Hi!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Is that what you're wearing?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Didn't you get my message?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15No, I think I left my phone here. What message?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I left one to say I can't make it. I'm really sorry.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20'Janey, what's wrong with the hot water?!'
0:17:20 > 0:17:25Give it a second, it'll warm up! If you want to look for your phone, do it while he's in the shower.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- OK, cool.- 'It's not warming up! It went completely cold.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- 'Right in the middle of my bloody shower!'- Get in the kitchen. Go.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I mean, just because we don't live here any more,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38would it kill them to fix the boiler?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41It's like they don't want us to keep coming over.
0:17:41 > 0:17:47- Wait, where are you going? - Er, the kitchen?- Why?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Well, let's see, I'm wearing a dressing gown
0:17:50 > 0:17:55and I'm soaking wet, so I was thinking of cooking a chicken.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00No, really, why are you going into the kitchen?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04To put the immersion heater on. And to see who you're hiding because I'm not an idiot!!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07It's Matt, isn't it?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10You invited him round here after I specifically asked you not to.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I didn't. Look around. Do you see him?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Well, of course he's not here now.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18The minute he heard me coming, he'd have gone out the back door, wouldn't he?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21He's not a moron.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I kind of am.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26How dare you show up here?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30And you, you said you weren't going to the party with him.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- I'm not.- Then why was he hiding behind the door?!
0:18:33 > 0:18:34It's my fault.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38When I heard you coming downstairs, I lost my nerve, and I...
0:18:38 > 0:18:39I'm sorry, OK?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- OK.- Yes, I came to take Janey to the party,
0:18:45 > 0:18:49but that's not the only reason. I think I...
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Matt, stop.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I don't want to make you beg.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57It's OK. I forgive you.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01The thing is, Mikey, I think I left my phone here.
0:19:01 > 0:19:08It's fine. The old leaving-something-behind trick. I'm glad you changed your mind about me.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11No really, it was just the phone.
0:19:11 > 0:19:17Oh, really. So where is this so-called phone then?
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Actually, it's over there.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- I'll see you later, Janey. - Bye.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Sorry.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Well...
0:19:35 > 0:19:39I suppose that could have been more humiliating.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43At least I'm not still wearing that... Oh, crap.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Close your eyes, everyone.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51We're going to clear our minds now.
0:19:51 > 0:19:57This couples meditation class is all about relaxation.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00That's it, couples.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Moments of stillness...
0:20:02 > 0:20:06these are the secret, yet essential ingredients
0:20:06 > 0:20:09in every successful marriage.
0:20:09 > 0:20:15Those soothing silences that indicate the ultimate level of comfort
0:20:15 > 0:20:17between you and your partner.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Just embrace that silence for a moment.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Susan...- Shh!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I have to warn you, Susan.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50I am resisting a sudden and overwhelming urge to break wind.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Ben, please, I'm trying to take this seriously.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59And breathe.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Feel the air coursing out of your body.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Don't hold it in, release it.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12He's giving me the green light, Susan.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14He's giving me the green light.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Because it's so easy for the pressure to build up in your body,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22yet it's essential that you let it out.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I'm only human, Susan. It's only a matter of time.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Please, Ben, I'm begging you. - It's not my fault.
0:21:29 > 0:21:34- Put a cork in it.- Oh, I wish.- Oh, Ben! Stop it...in the name of mercy.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39I shouldn't have had those bean fritters for lunch.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41And then release the air.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46Feel it flowing out of your body like a great and powerful wind.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51- Ah-hah-ha-ha-ha!- Ha-ha-ha!
0:21:51 > 0:21:55I'm so sorry, Robin, about my wife. I don't know what's got into her.
0:21:55 > 0:22:01- You're ruining the experience. Why can't you contain yourselves?- I have been trying.- Right, that's it!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Get out! Pack your bags and go!
0:22:03 > 0:22:08I don't know how you make that car-crash of a marriage work! The pair of you are so bloody childish!
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- Come on, get up.- OK. - Come on, up. Get up.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Hey, you know that sudden and overwhelming urge that I had earlier?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I haven't got it now.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Oh, come on, Mikey, I said I was sorry.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41- Can you just let it go? - Let me ask you something.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45How would you feel if I were to start hanging out with Ian Thurman?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Who? - You dated him for about eight months.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Be more specific.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53You nearly moved in with him?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Nope.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- You were engaged for a week. - It's not ringing a bell.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01You know, the guy who... you're ruining my point!
0:23:01 > 0:23:05What I'm saying is, if I were friends with him you'd be upset.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10- Doesn't sound like it. - How can I get this through to you?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Are you familiar with the phrase "blood is thicker than water"?
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Oh, great. Another thing I haven't heard of.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21It means you put your family first,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24and you didn't because you're selfish.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Look, Mikey, I said I was sorry.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29But if you're going to be a big baby why should I care what you think?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- What's does that mean? - It means I'm an adult and I can pick my own friends.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36So, if I want to hang out with Matt, I'll hang out with Matt.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38You know, you're impossible!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41There's no talking to you. You're just like Dad.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Now you're just making them up!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53- Hi, Janey.- Hey, come in.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I can't believe you asked me to lunch. So, you're allowed to see me now?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- I can be friends with whoever I want.- Nice.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Very adult. So I take it Mikey's not here, then?
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Did he go to that computer fair?
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I expect so. He likes to get there when it opens, in case there are bargains.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10The early nerd catches the worm.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14He needs a new personality not a new hard-drive.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17It's like he came out of the womb in an anorak,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20with a pair of binoculars and a train timetable.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25- That's a bit harsh because he's not actually a train spotter.- Fine.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29But he's still a loser. And the way he dresses, he looks like a children's TV presenter.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Maybe. But he's still my brother.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36That's not something to boast about. Anyway, I heard you slag him off.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- That's because I'm his sister, I'm allowed.- Oh, come on.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- I won't have you talk about Michael like that.- Because I pointed out he's a nerd?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Maybe he's a geek, but he's my brother, and I love him.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49OK, OK, relax. Can we just go to lunch now?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52No. You know what? You're not good enough for him
0:24:52 > 0:24:55and you're not good enough for me either. I think you should go.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Hey, glad I found out you're as big a loser as he is.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04Look, what you don't seem to understand is, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- What?- Just go!
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Hey, how was your computer fair?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22You know, Janey, I may have had my heart ripped out and stomped on,
0:25:22 > 0:25:26but at least I picked up a Dual Gaming Device to PC Converter
0:25:26 > 0:25:28for a fraction of the retail price.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Thank God. I was worried sick.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34So, when are you seeing Matt again?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Whenever I like. I told you.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- So you're going to see him later today, then?- Might do.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45- Janey, I heard you having a go at Matt.- Oh.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- Did you mean all that stuff you said? - Yeah, I did.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I just want to let you know it meant a lot to me.
0:25:51 > 0:25:57Yeah, well, I really do... you know...you.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Cool. Cool.
0:25:58 > 0:26:05And just so you know...I really... you know...you too.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- So, tell me about this thing you bought.- Oh, yeah. It's amazing.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I mean, you just hot-plug it into your PC USB port,
0:26:13 > 0:26:17and as long as you've got a 64-bit operating system it'll install the drivers automatically.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22- You don't need a disk. - That's brilliant(!) I'll just pop my head in the oven.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- You couldn't resist, could you?- What?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Can't we just once have a conversation where we're not rude or mean to each other?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Yeah, of course we can.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- So...- So...
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- Mum and Dad back later? - Uh-huh.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- It's cold today.- Wasn't it?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Meant to rain later. - So they say.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04So they say.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Yup.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Bit of the old...rain.
0:27:11 > 0:27:17- Can we go back to being rude? - I thought you'd never ask, you dreary, desperate imbecile.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20JANEY SIGHS
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- Too much?- Well, a bit.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29You know, darling, I'm glad we got kicked out of that Couples Retreat.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Yeah, we don't need things like that to keep our marriage fresh.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38I pledge to you now, my darling, that I shall never stop,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41never stop finding new ways to annoy you.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42And I pledge to you,
0:27:42 > 0:27:48my dearest love, that I will mock you mercilessly at every turn.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- At least we got something useful out of this weekend.- What?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- These mugs we made.- Oh, yes.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00- Indeed we did.- Yeah.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- From clay scraped off your very face.- Yeah.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09You know. These mugs symbolise our marriage.
0:28:09 > 0:28:15They may not look pretty on the outside, my darling, but they work, they work.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19And they'll go on working.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- Did yours leak over the duvet too? - Yep.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:50 > 0:28:53E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk