0:00:21 > 0:00:25I just need a moment alone...with my mother.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35I certainly am! How can they charge pay-and-display outside a church?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- I meant Mum.- Mmm? - She's pretty upset.- Oh, yeah.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40It didn't help that Dad led the funeral cortege
0:00:40 > 0:00:43through the McDonald's Drive-Thru.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I was hungry!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Was it really the time for a Happy Meal?- Yeah!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50It's what Grace would have wanted.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I don't know why we didn't give Gran a cremation.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Set her alight with all that booze inside her?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57She'd have gone up like Krakatoa.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Look, I know how this is a moment for us to grieve,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03to muse upon the fragility of life
0:01:03 > 0:01:05and to contemplate our own mortality,
0:01:05 > 0:01:10but that guy's butt deserves a ceremony all on its own.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Why don't you ask him out?
0:01:15 > 0:01:16I don't even know if he's gay.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Oh, he's gay all right.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- How do you know?- Trust me, little brother, I can tell.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I've been studying men a whole lot longer than you have,
0:01:25 > 0:01:26and, over the years,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I've developed a bit of a sixth sense about these things.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32He turned you down, didn't he?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Because he's gay.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Deirdre McAllister.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I knew your mother.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46We were members of the same erotic cinema club.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Nice to meet you.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Could you possibly tell me how Grace...went?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Well, seeing as you asked...
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Mum was backpacking around Australia when she decided to join
0:02:00 > 0:02:03a group bungee jump with some Samoan body builders.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Naturally, the bungee couldn't take the strain and snapped halfway down,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10sending them spiralling into the river below.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12They survived the fall but...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16..the water was crocodile infested.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20My brother went the same way.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Hello, Susan.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Hello.- It's good to see you again.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33And you.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Sorry we're meeting in these circumstances.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Yes...
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I'm sorry, we've obviously met before,
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- but I've forgotten your name. - It's Arthur.- Ah.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46My father was called Arthur.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50- He still is. - No, he died 30 years ago.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52No, he didn't.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Yes, he did. He disappeared at sea.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59On a trip to the South Pacific.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Yes, that's right.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05How do you know so much about my father Arthur, Arthur?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Susan, it's me.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Mum, here...drink this, OK?
0:03:18 > 0:03:23Dad, listen. Mum and Arthur aren't speaking. Shouldn't you talk to him?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24You know the rules, Janey.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- I don't converse with people at social events.- People?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- Dad, he's your father-in-law. - It still applies.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Fine, then you can just stay here with me and talk to me
0:03:34 > 0:03:37all about my ex-boyfriends in chronological order.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40OK, yeah, OK...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42All right, Arthur,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44having a good time?
0:03:46 > 0:03:47She hates me, doesn't she?
0:03:47 > 0:03:48It's, er...
0:03:50 > 0:03:51..hard to say, really.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Does she always stare at people in that manner?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Mm-hm, try going to sleep while she's doing it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I can hardly blame her.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05I abandoned her and her mother and disappeared for 30 years.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Really? 30 years?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Just like that?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13So...how did you do it?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16How did you do it exactly? Be as specific as you want.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- I beg your pardon?- Was it difficult when you left them?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Theoretically, would it be difficult just to sort of take off, as it were?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26You know, change one's passport details?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Why are you so interested?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I was just told to make chit-chat.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Susie!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Susan?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Susan, we'll have to talk eventually.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Why did you come back, today of all days?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I didn't want to miss saying goodbye to your mother.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49We all thought you'd died at sea.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54Well, my vessel did capsize, but I was saved by a passing trawler.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57How could you just leave everything? What was so much better?
0:04:57 > 0:05:02I travelled the world, salvaging shipwrecks, earning millions.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06How could a wet afternoon in Chiswick High Road compare to that?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09We have a Tesco Metro now.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Look, Mike, I went to all the trouble to bring him here,
0:05:13 > 0:05:14just go over to him.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18What if he doesn't fancy me? I couldn't take a bad rejection.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Oh, don't worry. He's an undertaker, he'll be used to breaking bad news.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Oh, come on, Mike, come on, just give it a try.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29You're good-looking, bright, you've got a great personality!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Wow, thanks!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Yeah, just don't say too much,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36don't let him see your right side and...stay downwind of him.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Hi!- Hey.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49So...you're in the funeral business, what's it like?
0:05:49 > 0:05:50It's a living.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Michael.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Er, Sean.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Sorry, was there something you wanted?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Well, I was just wondering if, say...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I wanted to buy a coffin...
0:06:13 > 0:06:16..what base material would you recommend?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Well, panelled oak and mahogany are very popular,
0:06:19 > 0:06:23but also in the region of £2,000.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Well, I'm not coffin up that much!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Sorry.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32So, you're interested in coffins?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Is someone dying?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Only me.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38You're dying?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Yes, Sean.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Yes, I am.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47God, I'm sorry.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I'm so, so sorry.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I didn't even realise you were sick.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Oh, I'm sick all right.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Listen, I really should tell you,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01what I said just now, I'm not actually ill.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05I'm really ill.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Really, really ill.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Right! Well, I think I'll, er... I'll turn in, mm-hm.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Arthur, er...what about Brazil?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- What?- You know, vis a vis the emigration thing.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31The old Portuguese isn't too shabby,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and I turn a nice shade of bronze in the sun.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38OK, got you, talk to you later, OK.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39All right, darling, I know, I know.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44It's been a very rough day.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47So, anything you don't drink, just tip it back in the bottle, OK?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Goodnight!
0:07:53 > 0:07:54So, what do you think of Ben?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58The man is a shallow, uncouth, mean imbecile
0:07:58 > 0:08:03with all the charm of a Third World dictator.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05You hardly know him.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Yet I can't disagree with any of it.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Did you see him at the graveside?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14You're meant to sprinkle the earth onto the coffin,
0:08:14 > 0:08:18not kick it in with your feet and mumble, "Let's get out of here."
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Look, I could sit and listen to you insult my husband all night but...
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- I'm sorry, Susan. - No, no, I really could, but...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I'm tired and it's been an emotional day.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I had such high hopes for you.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I thought you would have ended up with someone worthy of you.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Instead, you've been dragged down to his level
0:08:37 > 0:08:43and become embroiled in the same spirit-sapping, insidious grief pit.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45It's called marriage.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I'm going to bed.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I'll give you one million, Susan.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54£1 million to divorce him.
0:08:54 > 0:09:00- What?- Over the years, I've given money to hundreds of worthy causes,
0:09:00 > 0:09:04but this will be the best million I've ever spent.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Are you seriously offering me
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- £1 million to divorce Ben? - That's right.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13That's outrageous! You can't put a price on a 30-year bond.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Everything has its price.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Well, not my life-partner, my best friend, my one true soul mate.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I'm clearly not as shallow as you think I am!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Two million.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Well?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Just give me a minute.
0:09:34 > 0:09:40You know, Susan, I really hit it off with your dad tonight.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Yeah, yeah, it's funny how sometimes people just click, you know?
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Good man, Arthur, good man, yeah, someone I could really admire.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50The man is completely flawed, Ben.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52He ran away from his family and his responsibilities.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54And the flaws were?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Look, I don't like saying this,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59but he wasn't exactly complimentary about you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Really? What did he say?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Oh, no, forget it, it wasn't even worth mentioning.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07The sooner Dad's gone, the better.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Oh, OK.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I mean, it's ridiculous, really!
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Almost laughable, actually.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25If it's so ridiculous, why don't you tell me?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Oh, no, no, no, no, it's crazy, forget it, forget it.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36He offered me £2 million to divorce you.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46He thinks I'm only worth two million quid?!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50What an insult! £2 million!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I told you it wasn't worth mentioning.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53I'm telling you, Susan,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57he thinks he can pay someone off for a measly £2 million, come on!
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Please! That would be paid straight into our account?!
0:11:01 > 0:11:02£2 million!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04You're saying £2 million an awful lot, Ben.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09I'm saying it, Susan, because it is, it... £2 million?!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- Ridiculous!- It is, isn't it?
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Absolutely.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I mean, having said that,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20couples nowadays don't really have to be married, do they?
0:11:20 > 0:11:21True.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I mean, you know, it's only a piece of paper when all's said and done.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Also true.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I mean, we know in our hearts we love each other, don't we?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32We do? Oh, we do.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Yeah, I mean, our marriage can survive anything.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Anything, even, er...
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Even divorce.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Are we seriously considering this?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Taking my father's money?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Well, he left you 30 years ago, Susan, he owes you that money.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- But it's absurd!- Well, it won't mean anything, will it?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55It's only for show.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02You know, we get divorced, take the money and then get married again.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03You know...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07It's a victimless crime.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11God, you're good!
0:12:13 > 0:12:18- Susan Harper... - Oh, Ben, this is all so sudden.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Would you make me the happiest man in the world?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I can't believe this is happening.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Would you do me the honour?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I will.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Would you do me the honour?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I will.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Susan...please...
0:12:40 > 0:12:43divorce me.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Oh, Ben, you don't know how long
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I've been waiting to hear those three little words.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Come here!- No, no, Ben!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Not before the divorce.- OK.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59So, let me get this straight. You want a divorce?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- As soon as possible.- On what grounds? - What do you recommend?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05It's not for me to recommend. You're the ones who want a divorce.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- What's the most popular?- Mmm.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Irreconcilable differences is most common.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13That's a bit bland, isn't it? I mean, after 30 years.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Do you have anything a bit spicier?- Yeah.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19There's desertion, but you have to have lived apart for two years.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Ah, well I have slept in the spare room a couple of times.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24THEY GIGGLE CHILDISHLY
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Yes, um, I get the impression you're not taking this very seriously.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Oh, we are, we are. - We loathe each other.- Absolutely.
0:13:35 > 0:13:41- I know, I know. How about adultery? - Oh, yes. Well done!- Mm-hm.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Which one of you has been adulterous?- BOTH: Me.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- You? Who with?- George Clooney. - Oh, yes! Ooh!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Me? Er, with Katie Price.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56How about them apples!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59So you want those names published in the petition?
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Published? Well, it was a bit dark, and I couldn't have been too sure.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09No, no. And Katie Price really wouldn't want the publicity.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10So, what else have you got?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Look, this isn't a fast-food restaurant.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15You're meant to come in here with a reason.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18OK. All right, fine. Irreconcilable differences.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- Agreed?- Oh, agreed.- Fine.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23We're going to have to sort out the division of assets.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26That'll take ages. Can't we do this here and now?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27It would speed things up
0:14:27 > 0:14:30if one of you handed over all the assets to the other.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Oh, that's the cabbage!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I'll take everything, bish, bash, bosh. Where do I sign?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Hang on, why do you take everything?
0:14:36 > 0:14:41- It's just a technicality, Susan. - Oh, fine. Well, I'll take everything.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Very well, I'll draw up the documents.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Though I'm inclined to say, "Would you like fries with that?"
0:14:48 > 0:14:51How many days before we get divorced?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Try months. You have to wait for the decree to come through.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56No, no, no, no. No, we need the divorce today.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00There's a six-week grace period, and then it becomes a formal procedure.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Right, well, can we have a note or something?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It's just that we want to show her dad. That's all.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I can write you an invoice for filing the documents.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Good, perfect, that's great! Very, very nice.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Oh, this is the happiest day of my life.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Oh, the air tastes so fresh!- I know.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22You wait for something for so long, you never think it'll be this good,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25but honestly, this is so much better.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- Too much?- A bit, yeah.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30So, Mike, I never asked.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33How was your undertaking with the undertaker?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Not bad.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39We had a long chat, and at the end of it he gave me a big hug.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Oh, well done, you. Sounds like you two might have a future together.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Not much of a future. I told him I was dying.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Michael, that never worked with the girls.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I panicked. I thought I had more chance with him me if I was...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Dead?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57It's always good to have a shared interest.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- It made sense at the time. - Well, that's you two finished, then.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Actually, no. He's called me three times.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07So he's either interested or he wants your measurements.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Tell you what, my dear.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12You've put on a few pounds since we last did this.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Or my muscles have got weaker.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Oh, never mind. Nothing can ruin this day!
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- Sorry, but what's going on? - BOTH: We're getting divorced!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Finally!- Good for you.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Thanks for your support, but it's not a proper divorce.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29No, we're doing it for your granddad's benefit, OK?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- So, where is he? - In there, watching telly.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Oh, great. Now, listen.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Your father and I are going to stage a nasty argument
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- and we need you to play along. - I don't understand.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Act as if you're playing us off each other.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Er, no, Mum, I'm sorry. I don't want any part of your freak show, OK?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48He's going to pay us two million quid if we divorce.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- I'm in.- Good.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- What about you, Michael?- What?
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Is everything all right?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I lied to somebody, Mum,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58someone I have feelings for, just to get them to like me.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59He's a Harper.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Haven't we always taught you, Michael, to be yourself?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Your decency and your inner core is what people respond to,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10not cheap lies.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13You're right. Next time I see him, I'll tell him the truth.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Good for you, darling. Honesty is the best policy.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Now, if you'll excuse us,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20we have to go and cheat your grandad out of two mill.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- OK, you ready, you old hag!- What?!
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Just getting into character.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- I want you out of my life! - No, I want you out of mine!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Neanderthal!- You harpy!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- You make me sick! - You were a pain in the arse!
0:17:34 > 0:17:39- You're crap in bed! - Please, boundaries!
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- You'll be hearing from my lawyer! - You'll be hearing from mine!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I said, you'll be hearing from mine!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Oh, great. Just don't tell me I've wasted my performance!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Is that what you call it?- It was very good, and I knew my lines.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Well, now, I'm sorry, but I was, I was word perfect.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- Oh, and so over the top! - How dare you!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Arthur?
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Arthur?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Ben, I think there's been an accident.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Go easy on the man, he's getting on a bit.- No, no, not that kind.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18He's gone.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Wasn't our acting, was it?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Anyone else getting a feeling of deja vu?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Sean!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Oh, hi, Michael.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Fancy grabbing a coffee? I've got something to tell you.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40It's really not a good time for me.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43You've just come out of a relationship, haven't you?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46No, I'm carrying your dead grandfather.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Idiot!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50There's something I've been meaning to tell you,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I phoned Dad's solicitor...
0:18:52 > 0:18:54And?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Dad was broke. It was all a lie.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Ah right, so the man who left his family, faked his own death
0:19:00 > 0:19:03and changed his identity was a liar?
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Who saw that coming(?)
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Nice to see you.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Hello, thanks for coming.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Well...perfect.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16We filed the divorce for nothing.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Show a little compassion, will you? I've just been orphaned.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23You're a middle-aged woman, Susan, you're not Annie.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I can't believe I've lost both of them.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26- Both millions?- Both parents!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Sorry, that's what I meant.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Hey.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I thought that would be you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Come again?- Inside it.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Why would I be inside...?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Oh, the whole dying thing, right.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42What was it you wanted to talk about?
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Um, well, the thing is...
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Yes, Michael?
0:19:47 > 0:19:52I forget. Memory loss is another one of my symptoms.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55That and needing physical comfort. Constantly.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Your family really has shaky health, don't they?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I know, tragic, tragic.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07So, are you free to go out tomorrow?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Are you sure you're well enough to be going out?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I want to live every day as if it's my last.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15You're so brave.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19I am, aren't I?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22You know the only thing that gets me through these days?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23A hug.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Come here, you.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30THUNDER RUMBLES
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Please stop that, Susan, you're creeping me out.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I just feel so dirty.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48We've sacrificed our marriage for money.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I'm so disappointed.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51I know, I know...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55That money would have been brilliant.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57The only thing that makes your heart beat faster is
0:20:57 > 0:20:59the thought of £2 million!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Aren't you at all guilty about what we've done?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I suppose you're right.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Yeah, OK, we'd better go down and cancel the divorce.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Oh, do me a favour, why don't you?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12If it's going to be a burden for you...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14That's not what I meant, and you know it.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I am into this marriage, like you, wholeheartedly.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19I will go down to that solicitor's office
0:21:19 > 0:21:21whenever your precious little heart so desires.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- How about Thursday? - Er...golf.- Friday?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Mmm... Ah, getting a haircut. Sergio's managed to fit me in.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30If it's going to inconvenience Sergio,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32let's just go through with the divorce.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- No, no, no, no, he is very busy.- Oh, Ben!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I mean, you can't... Susan, if you just... Look.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I'm sorry, but things are really taking off for him right now.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44THUNDER CLASHES
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Hey.- Hey.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53I appreciate the lift, Janey,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I can't be late for my first date with Sean.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58You mean your last date.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Due to the small matter that you'll be dead by next Tuesday?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Will you just drop it, please?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Seriously, it's beautiful. I mean, "Boy meets gay undertaker.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"Boy pretends he's dying to dupe gay undertaker into liking him.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13"Boy can't tell him the truth or gay undertaker will kill boy for real."
0:22:13 > 0:22:16It's a story as old as time itself.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Hey, where are you two off to? - Do you really care?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Not overly. Just being polite. Ta-ra.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Hello?- Mmm-hmm.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31You're sitting in my chair.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Your chair?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34And you've done my crossword.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I think you'll find it's my crossword,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38and I've done it in half the time it takes you.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41OK. What's going on here?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Don't you remember when we filed for the divorce,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45you said you'd give everything to me?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I also said I slept with Jordan.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Technically, I'll own everything here.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54You can keep your clothes, I'm not completely heartless...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56or tasteless.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Susan, you're being ridiculous.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02You don't value our marriage at all. All you care about is money.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05No, I value... Isn't it OK to value both?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09OK. Darling. My love.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Would you make me the happiest man in the world and...
0:23:12 > 0:23:14un-divorce me?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Well...- My knee's starting to spasm. - Oh, fine.- Fine, good.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- If.- If?- If you sign this. - What's this?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It says I retain ownership of everything here,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25even if the divorce gets cancelled.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27It's called a post-nup.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- This is ridiculous. I'm not signing this.- No?- No!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Look, Ben, I'm not asking for the world,
0:23:33 > 0:23:38all I'm asking for is one romantic gesture. Would that kill you?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39All right,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41you can sit in my chair.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I don't want your chair! I want you to sign this.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46What's more romantic than a man giving up everything
0:23:46 > 0:23:49for the woman he loves? It's called sacrifice.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Can't I just slit a goat's throat on an altar somewhere?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54THUNDER CLASHES
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Listen, Ben.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58I realised last night
0:23:58 > 0:24:00we've lost touch with what makes marriage important.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03And you could lose a lot of very valuable things,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05including the one possession
0:24:05 > 0:24:08that should be more important to you than any other.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Yeah, OK, what the hell.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I'm not going to meet anyone else at my age, am I?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Fine, fine, I'll sign it, I'll sign it.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I just want things to go back to the way they were, OK?
0:24:20 > 0:24:26I love you, and I don't care if I don't have anything as long as I...
0:24:26 > 0:24:28have you. And, er...hey,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I do love you, by the way.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Thank you.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Now what are you doing? - I've got what I wanted.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40We've got our confetti, let's go to the solicitors right now.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- No, but I tee off in... - THUNDER CLASHES
0:24:43 > 0:24:45OK, let's go, I'm ready!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50So, you don't have a boyfriend, then?
0:24:50 > 0:24:54No. There just don't seem to be guys who fit what I'm looking for.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58For me, the two really important qualities are a good sense of humour
0:24:58 > 0:25:01and, most of all, honesty.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Yeah, a good sense of humour's really important, isn't it?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Look, I should say now,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I just don't think I can get involved with you, Michael.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I'd be too distraught when you go.
0:25:13 > 0:25:19So, hypothetically, if, say, I had a clean bill of health,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23you'd be interested in me? Hypothetically.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Of course I would, silly.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Hmm. OK, well...
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I might be party to some information that could flip
0:25:34 > 0:25:37this whole...crazy situation on its head.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Really? What is it?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I might not be dying, exactly.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What do you mean?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49I sort of made up a bit of it.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- What bit?- The dying bit.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Phew! I'm glad we've got that out of the way, now we can be together.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Yay for us!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02High five?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09You missed!
0:26:10 > 0:26:14So, let me get this straight. You want to cancel the divorce?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- Are you sure?- Absolutely. - I was talking to her.- Er, sorry...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Of course that's what we want. We're two crazy kids in love.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22And I love her, blah, blah, blah.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24He's my soul mate, blah, blah, blah.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Till death us do part, et cetera, et cetera.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29It's Romeo and Juliet all over again(!)
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Plus we want to re-establish the 50/50 property split.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35But, of course, that's not the most important thing.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38But of course, that's not the most important thing.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41(But could we get it in writing anyway?)
0:26:41 > 0:26:47So the all-in price for cancelling the divorce comes out at...
0:26:47 > 0:26:49£1,250.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54But, of course, couples nowadays don't really have to be married.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I'll write a cheque.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Well, I hope I never have another week like that.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03No, you won't.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07You haven't got any more parents left.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12That came out all wrong, sorry.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16I'm serious, Ben, I don't think I could take any more.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Ssh, it's all right.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23It's been very emotional.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26HE CRIES
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- You're not crying about my parents, are you?- You can't prove that!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35THUNDER CLASHES
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:43 > 0:27:45E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk