0:00:14 > 0:00:16- Here you are.- Oh, Ben. It's very romantic of you
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- to take me out to dinner.- I know.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Don't ever say I don't try and put a little spark into our marriage.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27- You, my darling, are worth it. - Aw, thank you.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29And what a great idea to have a quick drink here
0:00:29 > 0:00:32before we go to the nice place you promised.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Your table, Mr Harper.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Please tell me this is not the "nice place" you promised.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Come on, you'll love it here!
0:00:40 > 0:00:45It's one of those new trendy gastro pubs.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Oh, yes?- Oh, yes.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52And on tonight's menu, we have pie and chips, steak and chips,
0:00:52 > 0:00:56chicken and chips and tonight's special...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58chips.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Ready Salted or...?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03It's traditional British cuisine.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06It's like you research new ways to disappoint me.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I know. Cheers.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- Ben Harper?- Hey...!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- ..you.- It is, isn't it?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Look, if it's a writ, just serve it.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21You're Tony Harper's son, aren't you? Your dad was a great guy.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- Really?- Yeah! When I was younger, I'd come in here,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26watch him play darts. Best I've ever seen.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Any of that genius rub off on you?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Not when it comes to booking restaurants.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Eat your nuts.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Well, we've got an opening on our team, and, eh, it'd be an honour
0:01:36 > 0:01:39to play with the son of Tony Harper. You do play, don't you?
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Well, I have been known to throw the odd arrow or two, yeah.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47I mean, I like to keep up the Harper tradition of excellence.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50That's great. I'm really looking forward to it.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53You've never thrown a dart in your life.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Just because your father was good at darts, doesn't mean you have to be.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I forgot to mention, we practise down here three nights a week.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Really? Three nights a week?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05There's something to be said for genetics.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Where's Grandma?- We went for a walk,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14and I raced her back from the corner.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Where is she?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23So...who won?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I thrashed her.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- I'll get you next time. - How about right now?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32OK. I'll race you up the stairs.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35On your marks, get set, go!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Someone's out of shape.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Which is odd cos you LOOK great.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Don't you have a new job to go to? - It's not till tomorrow.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Can't you check the route?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Hey! Another victory for The Menaces.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Who's the man? Yeah, baby!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Another victory for The Menaces.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Who's the man? Yeah, baby!
0:03:09 > 0:03:14- Don't tell me. Your darts team won again?- Won? Susan, I was on fire!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18I was like a darts god walking among the mere mortals of today.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I was like Zeus throwing lightning bolts
0:03:21 > 0:03:23and I won £2 on the fruit machine.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Maybe I'll come and watch you next time.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28That's not going to happen. I don't need the bad luck.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- So you consider me bad luck?- Darling, I've not won anything for 30 years
0:03:32 > 0:03:35and I've been married to you for... 30 years.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37There is one other common link.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Hmm? Don't you start your new job today?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- It's tomorrow.- Is it? Can't you check the route?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Fine. I can take a hint.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Clearly not.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- Hi!- Hi, darling.- Oh, Mum, thanks so much for babysitting Kenzo.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57I'm so looking forward to tonight. Do you know anywhere good to eat?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Actually, I know a very good place to eat.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- No, you don't.- No, I don't. Susan? Door.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Wait, Mum's opening doors for you? - Oh, yes, Janey.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10This is my darts hand - I can't afford to overwork it.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15- What about your other hand? - He overworked THAT at University.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Thanks for that(!) Dad, I didn't know you were any good at darts.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Good? Good?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Phenomenal, Janey, is the only word to describe me.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I can think of a few more.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29You know, I think it's my destiny to win this darts trophy,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32follow in my father's footsteps.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Oh, wow. What's it like to feel proud of your father?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Janey, you have no idea.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41No, I don't.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Mum, how do you put up with it? - Because when he's focused on darts,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49he's not interested in what I'm spending money on.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51This is Dad we're talking about.
0:04:51 > 0:04:57So, darling, my friend Gloria has a personal trainer.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I was thinking of hiring him myself.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Yeah, nice.- It's £100 an hour.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Lovely.
0:05:05 > 0:05:11Wow! It's amazing how you can take advantage of him being distracted.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Is he really that thick?- Oh, yes.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16You really look great tonight, darling.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- That dress really brings out the colour of your eyes.- Oh, thanks, Mum!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Could you take the rubbish out for me?- Sure.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Hang on a sec...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Where do we keep the bin bags again?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Inhale.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Exhale.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42I always thought personal training was a little more strenuous.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45You must not think of me only as your personal trainer.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I am also your life coach.
0:05:47 > 0:05:54And in order to have a sound body, first we must have a sound mind.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It's just I've been breathing on my own for over 50 years.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01And you have been doing it all wrong.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06Listen to the music as you breathe.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Andre, if you think I'm just one of those women
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- who wants company for an hour... - Breathe.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23- It's just that... - This is your rebirth, Susan.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28Listen to the music as you breathe.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33It's peaceful. It's tranquil.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36It's only £10.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40That sounds reasonable.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44And breathe the incense, huh?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48This is essence of white orchid,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51grown high in the Himalayas by Tibetan monks
0:06:51 > 0:06:55who have abandoned all worldly concerns
0:06:55 > 0:06:57and live a pure and aesthetic life.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01It's £17.50.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I'll take two.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Oui, Susan. Oui.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Yeah, look, I'm sorry, fellas.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19How was I to know the son of Tony Harper would be terrible at darts?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I was a patient of his once.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24He gave me three injections all in the wrong place.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- That should have been a warning sign. - Look, I'm the captain,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I'll tell the loud-mouthed pillock he's off the team.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Hey! Another victory for The Menaces!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Who's the man? Yeah, baby!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Gimme five, Gus! Grizzly Gus!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40O'Brienator! And big...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Hi, Martin. All right?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Whose round is it? Gus, good man, on your bike.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Come on, I'm parched. Lager top, please. Thank you, thank you.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52So, boys, what are we talking about?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Oh, er, just about how to eliminate the team's main weakness.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Say no more. I've been expecting this for a while.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Really?- Oh, yeah, leave it with me, I'll deal with this.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04OK, O'Brien, you're out.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10- It's not O'Brien. - It's not? It's Gus! It's Gus.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I'll tell him. I'll let him know gently. GUS!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- It's not Gus either.- Yeah? Oh, bit confused, bit confused.
0:08:17 > 0:08:23- Martin, You don't want me to talk to you about you, do you?- No.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- Give me the shirt, Harper. - The shirt?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- You heard. You're off the team. - What do you mean?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32No more discussion. You are no longer a Menace.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35At least not in this respect. Come on, give me the shirt.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Hang on, this shirt's the only thing I came in!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Look, your replacement needs it. Francesca!- What?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I am Francesca. I am.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Oh, good. This is my replacement?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50This is yes.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Good, so can we...? - Go home, little man.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- Can we just talk about this? - Time for talk is over.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Give shirt and go.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02You wouldn't be interested in a swap? No, fine.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Look, if you want... - Shirt!- Eh, hang on!
0:09:07 > 0:09:12OK, great, that's so good, thank you very much. OK, guys.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Got the message. See you, guys. Thank you, mates.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Bet you could use a drink.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Yeah. Hot toddy.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Sorry. No shirt, no service. Hop it, fleshy.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43WHALESONG
0:09:43 > 0:09:46SUSAN HUMS
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Susan!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I thought you had darts tonight.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58And a shirt on.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03The skipper, Martin, said I was the weak link in the team.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- That's terrible.- Tell me about it.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09He's kicked me off the team and had me replaced
0:10:09 > 0:10:11by a...woman.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I tell you, Susan, the looks on their faces
0:10:14 > 0:10:16as I crept out of that pub.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20It was the most embarrassing moment of my life.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22They took your memory too?
0:10:22 > 0:10:27I'd really set my heart on that championship trophy.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Oh, I know.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32My dad would have been so proud.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Oh, Ben.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I'm not going to throw another dart again.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Oh, I'm sorry.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Well, maybe...you can find a new hobby
0:10:45 > 0:10:50that will take you out of the house once or twice a week.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54I don't know.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58I mean, the thought of you moping around this house
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- every night of the week...- I know.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06Oh, thank you, darling. You really do care, don't you?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Yeah, that's it.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16So the relaxation mat was 60, the physio ball was 25,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18and the heated neck wrap was 40?
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Oh, and the Nepalese foot cream was £17.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Oh, of course.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Namaste.- Namaste.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- And the cheque.- Oh, of course!
0:11:36 > 0:11:41Merci. Now you have everything you need to achieve inner peace.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I'm home!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Want to bet?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48You must be the lucky husband, uh?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Never thought of putting those words together, but thank you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- A bientot, Susan. - A la prochaine.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- A paja what?- Hello, Ben.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- Goodbye, Roger. - I need to talk to you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06I heard about The Menaces dropping you like a bad habit.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08News travels fast, eh?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Well, you did wander around shirtless and drunk for two days.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Everybody's heard. Pecker up, Ben.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I bring news that will brighten your day.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22- What's your good news, Roger? - My friend Big Jerry has died!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Really? That's why you're in a good mood?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Big Jerry was on my darts team, Roger's Jollies.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Roger's Jollies?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Too macho?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- Surprisingly, yes. - What do you say, then, Ben?
0:12:36 > 0:12:41Care to join our swashbuckling band on board the good ship Jollypop?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Tell me, this Big Jerry, did he kill himself?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- Please say yes, Ben. - Mmm, nah, I don't know.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Well, if you don't, then I guess we'll have to forfeit
0:12:53 > 0:12:57our match tonight against The Menaces.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01The Menaces? You're playing The Menaces?
0:13:03 > 0:13:09Yeah, yeah, I'm not going to give up my chance of sticking it to Martin.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11You've just found your last Jolly, Roger.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Brilliant. Here, try this on.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Your very own Roger's Jollies team shirt.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21That's... That really smells, Rog.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Oh, that's Big Jerry. He died in that shirt.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28- You didn't wash it? - Yes, we did. Ten times.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It was a couple of days before they found the body.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Hang on, hang on, hang on, I know this guy.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Hey, um, Martin? Ready for our big match, then?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Harper. Do I need to get a restraining order?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- I told you, you're off the team. - I'm not in your team -
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I'm in Roger's Jollies.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53You may laugh, but we have just earned ourselves
0:13:53 > 0:13:55a place in next week's tournament.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- They give EVERYONE a place. - Really? Well, nevertheless,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- we're going to win.- Care to put your money where your mouth is?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- Don't mention money. It's dirty, I don't like the taste.- I meant...
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I know what you meant, I was being glib. £100 says I win it all!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11You're on.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Yoo-hoo, Ben! Over here.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21Ben, meet the other Jollies. This is Amos and Junior.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- Amos. Junior. - I'm Amos, and HE'S Junior.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Junior, that's a little ironic, isn't it?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Junior, being an extremely old man.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37No, no, no, we call him Junior because his father was Big Jerry.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42The man who died is the father of this extremely old man?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Big Jerry was 102. - What? Oh, right.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Attention, please. Tonight's pre-tournament friendly
0:14:48 > 0:14:51takes place between The Menaces and Roger's Jollies.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Yeah! Let the games begin!
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Hang on. Harper can't be a Jolly until he's passed the initiation.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Well, what's the initiation? - First shake our hands.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- So what's the initiation? - That's it! You're in!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Come on, Junior!
0:15:12 > 0:15:18This exercise will help you to get in touch with your inner chakra.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23You know, I've been doing everything you asked, Andre, but I'm still not feeling any fitter.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Perhaps we should check your progress in your exercise diary, huh?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Exercise diary?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30You don't have one of my exercise diaries?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Helen Mirren writes in hers all the time.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- Helen Mirren?- Yes.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39She needed help to get rid of her, um...how you say...
0:15:41 > 0:15:42.."bingo wings".
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Maybe I should get an exercise diary.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Hi, Mum, I've just...
0:15:48 > 0:15:51died and gone to heaven.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Andre, this is my daughter, Janey. Andre's my personal trainer. He's from Nice.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Nice to meet you.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- What did you come over for? - Who cares?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Janey.- I mean, your mixer.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I need it. You know.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07To mix.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09In the kitchen. Get it and get out.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Janey!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13OK! OK. OK.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Ow!- Michael!
0:16:17 > 0:16:22- What are you doing here?- He was watching through the door. He has a chair set up and everything.- Has he?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Well, I'm sure you're both far too busy to stay a minute longer.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- Actually, I'm free all evening. - Me too.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- Out!- But your mixer!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Use your tongue! It's sticking out far enough!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Bye, Andre, it was "Nice" while it lasted.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Tough crowd!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Double 20! The Menaces win!
0:16:47 > 0:16:52So, Ben, about our little wager. Maybe you should just give me the money now, eh?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Unless you still think you can win the tournament.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59We were so close at the end.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Close? Roger, we lost by five sets, his highest double was a three,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05and he broke a window.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08But the important thing is that we all had fun.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11We'll do better next time!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Not with me, you don't.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18I've had enough humiliation. Stick your Jollies. Goodbye, good luck and good riddance.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Ugh, that smells worse than it did when it was on the corpse.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Oh!
0:17:28 > 0:17:32You know, I'm glad I gave up this darts lark.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Not really my sort of crowd.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I mean, it's hardly the sport of kings, is it?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40All your chums at the polo club will be thrilled.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at work?
0:17:45 > 0:17:46I quit my job.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- What?- What happened?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51It just didn't do it for me.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Didn't do it for you? That is ridiculous.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56That's the best job you've had in ages.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Do you even know what it was? - That's not the point.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02You can't just give up something after two days.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Why not? YOU did.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05That's entirely different.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07No, it's not - it's the Harper way.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12It's like you always say, "When the going gets tough, the Harpers get back on the sofa."
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Can you believe that?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19It's what he's been seeing since he was ten.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23The only thing you've stuck at, Ben, is the thing you absolutely hate.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Marriage?- Dentistry!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You can't even stick at a darts team.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Don't you think your father had bad games? But he didn't give up.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35But he wouldn't have hit the light above the board.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38So how's Michael going to learn if he sees you give up?
0:18:38 > 0:18:42You know, maybe I have the ability to win this tournament.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I mean, I may not have my dad's skill,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48but I certainly have his fighting spirit.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50You know what I'm going to do?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I'm going get this team together, I'm going to mould them,
0:18:53 > 0:18:54mould them into champions.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- For my father and my son. - That's my boy.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Now, what do we do about Michael?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01He'll sort himself out.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Om...
0:19:11 > 0:19:12METALLIC CLANG
0:19:19 > 0:19:22And the double... There, you see. Look at this!
0:19:25 > 0:19:26DRILL WHIRRS
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Come on, come on, move it. Come on.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Oh...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34What's the matter?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Pain, there.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Come on, out!
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Go on, move! Here...
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Ah.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's the stuff.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Yeah, hurting now, hurting now!
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Yes!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Now, listen to me lads, listen.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06We can win this tournament.
0:20:06 > 0:20:12The only thing to fear is fear itself.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13And losing it.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15What about humiliation?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16I don't like spiders.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up! Let's just focus on the semi-final, shall we?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23To win it, we've got to practise and practise and practise.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Now, come on, what's the matter now?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27We're sick of practice, Ben.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29My whole life is darts now.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I'm literally throwing darts in my sleep.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34And the neighbours aren't happy.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- Their cat lost an eye. - Oh, please, Roger, the momentum is with us then.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Now, look, to play like winners, we...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Think like winners.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Yes!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Somebody wake Junior up and tell him what I said.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Hey. Um...
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Excuse me, I know that guy.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Oh, and give me ten more cases of that vanilla yoghurt.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Yeah! Oh, don't worry, I'll slap a "Nepalese foot cream" label on it.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09These soppy bints will buy anything.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13DOOR CLOSES
0:21:14 > 0:21:19I'm sorry to disturb you, darling, bit of bad news.
0:21:19 > 0:21:25Your personal trainer, he's a...well, bit of a conman, I'm afraid.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Yeah, not even French.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Oh, Ben, I knew this would come eventually.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34You're jealous.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38No, not jealous - I just overheard him boasting about ripping you off.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You're talking absolute nonsense.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42He's my spiritual shaman.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Really? well, your "spiritual shaman" was seen smoking a fag
0:21:46 > 0:21:48and downing a lager top.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52I actually heard him calling you a "soppy bint".
0:21:52 > 0:21:54In an English accent, I might add.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I just don't believe you.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Mmm, "Nepalese foot cream". I wonder what this tastes like?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Are you out of your mind?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Mmm, vanilla yoghurt!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11What a lying sack of horse manure!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- I'm not lying!- No, not you, him.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19I feel such an idiot. I spent a fortune on all this stuff.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21All right, calm down, it can happen to the best of us.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Ooh, I wonder what he put in... Ooh, "face scrub".
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Let's have a taste of this!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I didn't get that from Andre.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Double 12!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Roger's Jollies win and go into tonight's final against The Menaces!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Let's do our song, crew.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48# Jollies Jollies Jollies Jollies
0:22:48 > 0:22:49# Jollies Jollies Jollies
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- # With a...- Jol Jol here! - And a...- Jol Jol there!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- # Here a...- Jol!- There a...- Jol! - Everywhere a...- Jol Jol!
0:22:54 > 0:22:55# Jollies Jollies Jollies... #
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Hey, it really means a lot to me
0:22:57 > 0:23:01that you came all this way to cheer on your good old dad.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06Yeah...that and it's a pub and I was thirsty.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Would it have killed you just to lie a bit?
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Well, if it helps you, you did inspire me to go back my job today.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Great! How'd it go? - I lost my temper and got fired.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Well, that's the Harper way.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Hey, Harper, ready to lose that money yet?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Ha, I'm not going to lose, Martin. You are.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Yeah. Well, I'm a reasonable man.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Maybe, if you like, we can call off the bet?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30No way! I've got you where I want you.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32You Menaces are going down.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Yeah!- You want to up the ante, Harper? Let's do it.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39OK, come on, then - let's say... 200 quid.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- 400.- You're on.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Thanks for coming round at such short notice, Andre.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Oh, but of course, Susan - it is only an extra £40 charge.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Oh, namaste!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56It's just that I've been reading up on some of the techniques
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- you've been using and I thought I'd like to try one on you. - Oh! But of course!
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Please, please, take a seat...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06and close your eyes.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Now, this is a mindfulness exercise,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and I thought you might like to work it into your regime...
0:24:14 > 0:24:18or, as you say in France, "regime".
0:24:18 > 0:24:24Now, I want you to think about something very, very peaceful.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30Like a lake or a pond or a stream.
0:24:31 > 0:24:37And now I want you to visualise... being tied up with a skipping rope
0:24:37 > 0:24:40and having your own physio ball inflated inside you.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45But, er, I do not understand, uh?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Well, me and a few other "soppy bints" you've been ripping off
0:24:48 > 0:24:51will be happy to explain it to you.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Namaste.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Two-minute warning. Two minutes to tonight's final.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06We have one more win and we'll win this championship.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Look at that! We're wrecks. We've lost our Jollies.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Roger! Just focus. Focus.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17There are defining moments in every man's life, and this is one of them.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I want you, you, you to look deep inside yourselves
0:25:20 > 0:25:21and see what you're made of.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26What we do tonight in this pub will echo in eternity.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28And I've got 200 quid at stake!
0:25:28 > 0:25:29400.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34You know, Ben, when I was at school and I got nervous,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I'd always have to go to the toilet,
0:25:36 > 0:25:41but after your inspiring speech, as an adult, I realise that...
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Oh, no!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Oh, Roger...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Ladies and gentlemen, let's play darts.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Yes!
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Yes!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Yes!
0:26:20 > 0:26:24I crush you. And I was drunk.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28That is why I am so...giggly.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Would you just get in here and stop polishing your trophy?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Look at that, Susan. Isn't she a beaut?
0:26:37 > 0:26:41I can't believe you won. You must have played an amazing game.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Amazing! I'm telling you, Susan, you had to be there.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Imagine the scene. I'm standing there, at the oche,
0:26:48 > 0:26:53the whole weight of Roger's Jollies on me shoulders.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I take the arrows.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00- I knew what it would take to win that trophy.- Get on with it and tell me what really happened.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Well, immigration burst in and arrested my replacement, Francesca.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Apparently, they got an anonymous tip-off that she was here illegally.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- What are the chances?- I know!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14So The Menaces had to forfeit the trophy, you see,
0:27:14 > 0:27:16and we won automatically.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20So, you had someone kicked out of the country for the sake of a plastic trophy?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23And 400 quid.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Result.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30You really are amazing.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Seriously.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36If you had any conscience at all, you wouldn't be able to sleep at night.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39SNORING
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:02 > 0:28:04E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk