0:00:18 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Hello, and welcome to the show.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I'm Robert Webb. As we all know, I'm the cool one from Mitchell and Webb,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40because I've been to five more gigs than David.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Yep. I've been to six.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44On Noel's team...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47# I see you driving round town with the girl I love... #
0:00:47 > 0:00:50He released the song F You, but changed it to Forget You
0:00:50 > 0:00:54so it could be played on the radio. If he thinks he can peddle that kind of filth here,
0:00:54 > 0:00:55he can forget right off.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58It's top pop mother-forgetter Cee Lo Green.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:06He's the popular presenter of Springwatch, but that's no use to us
0:01:06 > 0:01:09so for the purposes of this show, he fiddles with animals.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13It's nature's top animal sodomiser, Chris Packham.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:18On Phill's team tonight...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# Two lives, living two lives... #
0:01:21 > 0:01:24He's been rapping for 16 years, writes his own songs,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26and has achieved wide critical acclaim.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28That's why he'll be outsold
0:01:28 > 0:01:33by Cher Lloyd singing Chim-Chiminey Chim-Chiminey Chim-Chim-Cher-ee. It's Example.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:38And a woman who, I'm told, absolutely killed it
0:01:38 > 0:01:40on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42If only she'd killed him rather than it.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's Andi Osho.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:48 > 0:01:51So, we begin with What Have We pixellated?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Noel, Cee Lo and Chris, have a look at this.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57# Stop calling, stop calling I don't want to... #
0:01:57 > 0:01:59She likes the feel of animal flesh against her skin.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Put your cock away, Packham, it was only a dress.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06It's barmier-than-a-barm-cake pop gentry Lady Gaga.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08# Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh
0:02:08 > 0:02:13# Stop telephoning me-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh... #
0:02:14 > 0:02:19That was Lady Gaga with Telephone, but what have we pixellated?
0:02:19 > 0:02:23I love the fact that in that video, someone answers a baguette.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27When a baguette's ringing... then what are you going to do?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29If you leave it, it'll just go stale, so you've got to
0:02:29 > 0:02:32pick it up, keep it fresh, keep talking to the baguette.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Now Noel has actually said that, within the month
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Apple will bring out the iLoaf.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Good. Good iPun work there.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Apparently, you get quite bad signal droppage if you put cheese and pickle on it.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Chris is getting so close.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52You can tell he's an animal watcher.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Chris, you are a leading expert on zoology
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and you've been broadcasting wildlife programmes
0:03:03 > 0:03:06for about 20 years and you've been all over the world
0:03:06 > 0:03:08examining natural history. What, in your opinion,
0:03:08 > 0:03:12is the most interesting animal you've ever slept with?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- It's difficult.- It's difficult, yes.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20There's quite a few to choose from. It's not...
0:03:20 > 0:03:23In a metaphorical sense, you know.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28I hesitate to ask... Please continue.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Yeah, it was a tapir.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33In front of Michaela Strachan, who did nothing to help.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Except film it.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36She photographed it, yeah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Are tapirs like half horse, half zebra? What are they?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42About that long, actually.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- Is this an unhappy memory or are you absolutely fine? - Was it full penetration?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50It wasn't penetrative, but it did climax.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55- The thing is...- What do you tell the guy at the dry-cleaning that is?
0:03:55 > 0:03:59"Oh, that's the usual tapir... ahem, stain."
0:03:59 > 0:04:00That's insane.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05Yeah, it was a tame tapir that had been hand-reared, and hand-reared...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Very lovingly.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I didn't hand-rear it, obviously.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Cos otherwise it'd just be revenge it's getting on you.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16And what we call imprinted animals,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18often, if they're reared from a very young age,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21confuse humans with their parents, basically,
0:04:21 > 0:04:25so it saw me as a female tapir, which is slightly disconcerting.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- Well...- And they have a very long tongue,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30and what happened was, the tapir came out
0:04:30 > 0:04:32and I was playing with its tongue...
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Now, yeah... I hate to use the phrase "you were asking for it"...
0:04:38 > 0:04:39I led it on. I led it on a bit.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41OK.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43They've got very long tongues, which they use
0:04:43 > 0:04:45for wrapping around their foliage,
0:04:45 > 0:04:50- bit like a giraffe... - I don't know, I've never done it with a giraffe either.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I think, you know, one of the great privileges of my job
0:04:53 > 0:04:56is that you can be very tactile with animals. You can...
0:04:56 > 0:04:58NOEL LAUGHS
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Legally. Stop it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04So, once you've experienced this, at the end of the day,
0:05:04 > 0:05:08would you rather it had been the tapir assault you were subjected to
0:05:08 > 0:05:10or meerkat gangbang.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Yeah, a meerkat... I'd take the tapir, actually.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Size is important.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Cee Lo, are you regretting your decision to come here tonight?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Were you under the impression this was some kind of quiz?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Yes, yes, I was. We're on teams, I'm going to support him.
0:05:28 > 0:05:34- I feel I should move us on. Now, Cee Lo, your new album is called Lady Killer.- Yes.- I just want to
0:05:34 > 0:05:39dive straight in here and say I take a very dim view of killing ladies
0:05:39 > 0:05:43and if you even start to think about killing a lady,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I'm going to become quite vexed. I'm an easy-going guy.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I'm adamant on this point.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Don't kill any of the ladies.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Yes.- You promise?- I promise. - OK. Good lad.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Now, then, OK, so...
0:05:58 > 0:06:01As if Cee Lo's going to kill a lady! He's wearing velour.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08So, Lady Gaga, pixellation - thoughts?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11All I can think about is you getting rogered by a tapir now.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15And Michaela Strachan, I used to fancy her when I was at school.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- I did too. She was quite fit.- Yeah, she was, wasn't she?- For a bit.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Well, who's a charmer?
0:06:25 > 0:06:26It was a dream team, actually,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- because you had Nutkins as well, didn't you?- Yeah.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I got his autograph when I was a little kid.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I went, "Mum, there's Terry off the telly!" and she went,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35"Don't bother him. He's chatting to some grown-ups."
0:06:35 > 0:06:38What was weird was I went up to him, and I was really young.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42I was, I don't know, seven, and he was signing something for me,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46but I was a bit nervous, and you know he got his finger bitten off
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- by a...- Otter.- An otter?- Yeah.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- It's tough work...- That must have taken ages for an otter!
0:06:53 > 0:06:58My mum nudged me and went, "Don't stare at Terry's missing finger!"
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Really loud, though, so he could hear. It was embarrassing.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06"We're sorry, Terry. He's staring at your missing finger."
0:07:06 > 0:07:09You can't stare AT a missing finger. It's not there.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- So...- Gaga, Lady, pixellation, thoughts.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Lady Gaga...- There's something in her hand, or she's holding
0:07:18 > 0:07:22something onto her head or it's a sort of '30s hat.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27I read somewhere that she was so afraid of getting a brain tumour,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29she would have someone from her entourage
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- hold the phone like this for her... - Really?- She's scared
0:07:33 > 0:07:35of getting brain tumours. What a weird thing to be scared of.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I'm more scared of otters, to be honest.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Tapirs. - I'm now more scared of tapirs.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Well, I don't know what it could be, really.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46What do you think? It could be Terry Nutkins.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Finger. Terry Nutkins' missing finger.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- Hair made of Terry Nutkins finger! - Terry Nutkins' missing finger.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Shall we see if it's Terry Nutkins' missing finger?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58# Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh
0:07:58 > 0:08:02# Stop telephoning me-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh... #
0:08:02 > 0:08:06It is, in fact, we pixellated Diet Coke cans in her hair.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Earlier this year, Lee Ryan said he'd love to work with Lady Gaga.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Well, Lee, if she orders a carpet in the Thames Valley region
0:08:12 > 0:08:15and has it fitted on Tuesday or Thursday,
0:08:15 > 0:08:16that may just happen.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Phill, Example and Andi, have a look at this.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23# Might be paranoid... #
0:08:23 > 0:08:25If there are any Disney lawyers watching -
0:08:25 > 0:08:27quick! Turn over to ITV now.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29They're showing Donald Duck bumming Mickey Mouse.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31It's sweet mediocrity-mongers, the Jonas Brothers.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33# Paranoid...
0:08:35 > 0:08:36# Yeah... #
0:08:40 > 0:08:42That was the Jonas Brothers with Paranoid,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44but what have we pixel-ar-tard?
0:08:44 > 0:08:48The Jonas Brothers, who have not had sex.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- I believe so.- So they're all still virgins? All...
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- How many of them? Three of them? - Well, one of them got married,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- so I think he's allowed by his own code.- Wow.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01He probably shot his wife off like some kind of wife bazooka.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Probably! She would have been, like, slammed against the back wall.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- "Damn!"- You two are in a whole kind of comedy slapstick porn film.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13And then it goes "boing!" and she goes "blook!"
0:09:13 > 0:09:14"Dawhhrrr!"
0:09:14 > 0:09:17There's just not enough amusing sound effects in porn.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- If once in a while, you got a... - HE SQUEAKS
0:09:19 > 0:09:21HE HONKS
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Or just at the end... - SHE QUACKS A JAUNTY TUNE
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Something like that.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29A tapir just came into shot.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I don't understand the appeal of young men that won't have sex
0:09:32 > 0:09:37to teenage girls, because surely, the teenage girls that...
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Cos they're perfectly good at turning down men that are dying to have sex,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43in my experience, so...yeah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46It was a long adolescence.
0:09:46 > 0:09:52Do they have kittens? Like every time somebody has sex before marriage, a kitten dies?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I hope that's not true.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- Chris is not happy about that!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You can't just say stuff like that.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Chris got bitten by a vulture
0:10:04 > 0:10:09but the brilliant thing was that it took so much of your hand...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11It took a chunk and then swallowed it.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- It ate it.- But you did an impression.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18They swallow by flicking it up like that and swallowing down.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23When I started doing stand-up, I used to do an impression of a turtle eating a liquorice boot lace.
0:10:25 > 0:10:31And when I saw you do that, I thought, "Yeah, I was scientifically correct!"
0:10:33 > 0:10:37You like vultures but can I ask you about your attitude to pandas?
0:10:37 > 0:10:43I believe you said we should abandon pandas because "they are an evolutionary cul-de-sac
0:10:43 > 0:10:45"and I reckon we should pull the plug."
0:10:45 > 0:10:51Look at that. Is there any chance you were rejected by a panda?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Shall we sexy him up a bit? What about this panda?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Is that doing it for you? You don't mind saving THAT panda?
0:11:01 > 0:11:06The thing is, they cost an inordinate amount of money to keep going.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11- And conservation... - How expensive is bamboo?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16All they do is eat bamboo, stupid idiots.
0:11:16 > 0:11:22- Yeah, but they're carnivores.- They eat meat?- They should but they've taken to eating bamboo
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Their gut's not adapted to that. It's another evolutionary mistake.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Absolute wankers.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Example,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33welcome to the show.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- May I call you Eg?- Yes, very clever. Very good.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42It is very clever, because it's your joke, which I was trying to steal, which nobody laughed at,
0:11:42 > 0:11:47- so who's laughing at whom, we don't know.- It's not a joke, it's my initials.
0:11:47 > 0:11:53- My initials are Eg and...you know, Example.- That's how that all works. - Better than your name.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I'm delighted that I brought it up.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01I've never seen anyone look more bemused. You're like...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Do we have any ideas of what is pixellated here?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I think it's George Alagiah and Martyn Lewis.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Let's see if you're right.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21So...that was probably the wrong answer.
0:12:22 > 0:12:28We pixellated two Mexican wrestlers, their faces clad in leather and bundled into a car.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33That's how Christine Bleakley and Adrian Chiles leave the Daybreak studio every day.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39Next up is the intros round. Noel and Cee Lo, here are yours for Chris.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Ah, dear.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46You've got a bit of a panda vibe going on.
0:12:46 > 0:12:52Earlier on you said you actually learnt to sing from listening to things around the house.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Just imitating other artists that I like, yeah.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Pretty cool. I thought you meant the kettle and the toaster.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04That's not as interesting a fact.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09I pictured you as a little boy going, "Ooooooooooo!"
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Right.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Two, three, four...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16# Bum, bum, ba do do do do
0:13:16 > 0:13:18# Do do do da do do do
0:13:18 > 0:13:20# Do do do da do do do
0:13:20 > 0:13:23# Do do do da do do do
0:13:23 > 0:13:26# Oooooo-ooooooo-oooooo
0:13:26 > 0:13:29# Oooooo-ooooooo-oooooo
0:13:29 > 0:13:31# Ba do do do do, boo boo, boo
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- # Boop-boooo-doo-doo - # Ba do do do do, boo boo, boo
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- # Boop-boooo-doo-dooo - # Ba do do do do, boo boo, boo
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- # Boop-poooo-dooo - # Ba do do do do, boo boo, boo
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- # Boop-poooo-dooo - # Ba do do do do, boo boo, boo
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- # Bzzzzzzzzz. # - You look like you're trying so hard.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47APPLAUSE
0:13:51 > 0:13:56I've watched the programme and I never get these but that was Close To Me by the Cure.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59It was indeed. Here's how it should have sounded.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02MUSIC: "Close To You" by The Cure
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Next intro, please.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Robert Smith got me laid when I was young.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Not...He didn't come round my house.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- I'm going to try and do my best for you again.- All right.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28# Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing
0:14:28 > 0:14:31# Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- # Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing - # Ba-ba-ba-baaa
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- # Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing - # Ba-ba-ba-baaa
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- # Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing - # Ba-ba-ba-baaa
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- # Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing # - # Ba-ba-ba-baaa
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- # Jing jing jing Ja-jing jing ja-jing jing... - Come on, Chris, you got it?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52He's singing the words!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54APPLAUSE
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Noel's sounding a bit Dusty Springfield.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01To be honest, I'd focus on HIM.
0:15:02 > 0:15:08- I'm going to throw it over. Any ideas?- I'm clueless on this one.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09Guys?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13It sounds like # Da da dum, da-dum dum...
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Yes, that's what they were doing.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18If you can do that in words...
0:15:18 > 0:15:25- I don't know if you've interpreted it as a lounge song.- Do you know? - Yes, it's Girl From Ipanema.- It is.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27And here's how it should have sounded.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30# "Girl From Ipanema" by Frank Sinatra
0:15:40 > 0:15:43# Tall and tan and young and lovely...#
0:15:43 > 0:15:45That was Girl From Ipanema by Frank Sinatra.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50Interestingly, Sinatra didn't serve in WWII on account of a perforated eardrum.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Instead he stayed at home and protected his ear
0:15:53 > 0:15:58by performing in front of a 72-piece band every night.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Despite his limited musical ability, he furthered his career
0:16:00 > 0:16:04by getting into bed with one of the most ruthless, brutal godfathers...
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Hang on, that's not Sinatra, that's Sinitta.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16We also heard the Cure with Close To Me.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Robert Smith has said that Duran Duran were everything he hated about the 1980s.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24So with the miners' strike, AIDS, the Falklands, Zeebrugge and Chernobyl,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27it was Wild Boys that was the problem.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Phill and Example, here are yours for Andi.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Here we go.- Yep.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37OK.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40It goes Bum-pa-dum pa-da-dabu-da-da-da-da-ta
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Bum-pa-dum pa-da-dabu-da-da-da-da
0:16:43 > 0:16:45DUM-pa-dum pa-da-dabu-da-da-dum
0:16:45 > 0:16:47DUM-pa-dum pa-da-dabu-da-da-da-dum
0:16:47 > 0:16:50# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
0:16:50 > 0:16:54# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
0:16:54 > 0:16:57# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dowwww
0:16:57 > 0:16:58# Da-dow-dowww...
0:16:58 > 0:17:02What he's doing sounds like Amy Winehouse, but it isn't, is it?
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- Yeah, it sounds a bit like that. - It sounds like that but it isn't, that's why I'm saying it.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07No, it isn't. No.
0:17:07 > 0:17:15- Would you...- OK, there's going to be a lot more things it isn't. Let's crack through them.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- Is it Adam Ant? Am I allowed to ask that?- You're not a million miles off the era
0:17:19 > 0:17:22but it's not Adam Ant. I might throw it over.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I'm throwing it over. It's thrown over.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I Want Candy, Bow Wow Wow.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Correct, sir!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Here's how it should have sounded.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35MUSIC: "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Mega and spiffing. Next intro, please.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54# Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da Dun-da-da-da da-da-da
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- # Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da Dun-da-da-da da-da-da - # Uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- # Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da Dun-da-da-da da-da-da - # Uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts uh-ts
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Is it a Eurovision song?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Oooh!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07# Ooh-ah just a little bit... #
0:18:07 > 0:18:12- That's it.- # Ooh-ah. # I don't have to sing it. It's Gina G, isn't it?- It is.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Here's how it should have sounded.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20MUSIC: "Ooh... Ahh (Just A Little Bit)" by Gina G.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22The boy here remembers things.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Not now! Not now, I'm in the zone!
0:18:38 > 0:18:43So that was Gina G with Ooh... Ahh - brackets - (Just A Little Bit).
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Gina G claims she was robbed of the Eurovision title in 1996.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51To be fair, she was just pipped to the post by seven other countries,
0:18:51 > 0:18:56including a Lithuanian transsexual singing Pee-Pee Poo-poo Disco Disco Baby Baby Sexy Hotpants.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Her records may not have sold well, but she earns a fortune from royalties.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Every time Eamonn Holmes is asked if he wants some cake,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"Ooh, ahh, just a little bit, ooh, ahh, a little bit more."
0:19:14 > 0:19:17We also heard Bow Wow Wow with I Want Candy.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Bow Wow Wow achieved infamy when they featured
0:19:19 > 0:19:23their underage lead singer topless on their album cover.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Unfortunately, BBC rules say we can't show records with a pair of tits on.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29So you'll have to make do with this.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Round Three is the Identity Parade.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Noel, Cee Lo and Chris, how about some '70s 2 Tone ska?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45For the audience only, here is The Selecter.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47# It's just the same old show
0:19:47 > 0:19:49# On my radio
0:19:49 > 0:19:50# It's just the same old show
0:19:50 > 0:19:51# On my radio
0:19:51 > 0:19:53# It's just the same old show
0:19:53 > 0:19:54# On my radio
0:19:54 > 0:19:56# It's just the same old show
0:19:56 > 0:19:59# On my radio, on my radio
0:19:59 > 0:20:01# On my radio, on my radio... #
0:20:02 > 0:20:05That was The Selecter with On My Radio.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08But which of our line-up is singer Pauline Black?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Is it number one, On My Radio?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Number two, on my 'ead, son?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Number three, on a promise?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Number four, on Dave in six months' time?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Or number five, clearly on ketamine?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Do you think you've got any ideas?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I remember Pauline Black being very petite.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I thought I remembered her being really short and...
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- And tiny.- Yeah.- Are you sure that wasn't a red squirrel?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Would number two just tip the brim back a bit?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Are we allowed to adjust the hat?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Maybe lean your head back a little bit...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Get some scissors and cut the brim off a bit!- Maybe...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Maybe scurry up a tree?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00You did a thing on... was it Springwatch?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Where you were dropping song titles when you were talking about animals.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Was I imagining that?- No.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- Did you really do it?- I dropped Smiths song titles, then The Cure,
0:21:09 > 0:21:14and then The Jesus And Mary Chain. The triumph was Killing An Arab...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- That's... How did you manage that? - Well, I got Kate
0:21:18 > 0:21:22to end with the word "killing" at the end of one sentence,
0:21:22 > 0:21:26and I began the next sentence with "An Arab stallion." That...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- NOEL:- Amazing!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- Yeah!- Ingenious.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36What do you think, Cee Lo?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Who's got star quality?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- It's number two.- Do you think so? - Number two, do you think?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- I think so. - I think it's number three.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Number three?!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- I wish I had my bins! - You do need your...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I need my binoculars.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55I didn't think Buzzcocks was a binoculars type of show.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57What do we do in this situation?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- You're the captain.- You'll have to... - Yeah, you'll have to...you know.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Have I got to pull rank?- Yeah.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Whatever happens, it's going to go badly for you, isn't it?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I know. I don't want to lose...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12You've got a velour panda versus a tapir.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18That's a hell of an evening.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Do you know it's two?- I think so.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- So my heart tells me! - THEY LAUGH
0:22:26 > 0:22:30OK. I'll go with you. But if you get it wrong,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- I will have to take away your bamboo.- OK.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39Let's find out. Would the real Pauline Black please step forward?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42APPLAUSE
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Good work!
0:22:44 > 0:22:50Still touring with The Selecter and with her memoirs out now, Pauline Black, ladies and gentlemen!
0:22:54 > 0:22:59Phill, Example and Andi, what about some '70s punk rock?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02For the audience only, here are Angelic Upstarts.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05# Open the cage, let free the animals
0:23:05 > 0:23:08# Running wild with hardened criminals
0:23:08 > 0:23:11# No satisfaction, it's all frustrations
0:23:11 > 0:23:14# The times are changing when you're...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16# 13, 14 A teenage warning
0:23:16 > 0:23:19# 15, 16 But nobody's listening
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# 17, 18 Who takes the blame?
0:23:22 > 0:23:26# 19, 20 The 20th century... #
0:23:26 > 0:23:30That was Angelic Upstarts with Teenage Warning.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34But which of our line-up is drummer Keith "Sticks" Warrington?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Is it number one, Teenage Warning?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Number two, Teenage Dirtbag?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Number three, teenagers beware?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Number four, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Or number five, teenagesluts.com?
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Drummers usually got good arms, so look for good arms.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58That's all of them.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03I think this is...it's basically the opposite of what we'd expect,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05the one who's least what you'd expect.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08He's grown up, he don't want all that teenage stuff.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10He's like, "I'm a taxi driver now."
0:24:10 > 0:24:15I can't say I would happily get into the taxi driven by any of these men.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I'd get in number two.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- You'd get in a taxi of number two? - Well, if he offered.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Example, you turned up today with a film crew.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- Yeah.- Explain.- I'm on this tour, I can only get round the country
0:24:30 > 0:24:32using the help of my fans.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35You've set yourself an improbable challenge?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Yeah, no, it's going quite well, actually.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Basically, someone sends you a message on Twitter,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42"I'll drive you, you can stay at my house."
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Then we look at the pictures and see who's fittest bird, and go there.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Do you think that murderers and that just put a picture of a fit bird up
0:24:50 > 0:24:52and go, "He's coming!"
0:24:52 > 0:24:57- Well...- "Any day now." - ..if they didn't, they might do now.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Three's giving me evils.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06That's very rock and roll. He's properly staring me down.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- Three looks like Santa in the summer.- No!
0:25:11 > 0:25:16What's up with three's gloves? His Christmas wrapping present gloves.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- I think number two. CEE LO:- I like those gloves.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- Cos he looks like... - I... It's two or four.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Two. Two. We've got to pick someone, let's go with two.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Let's find out. Would the real Keith "Sticks" Warrington
0:25:30 > 0:25:31please step forward?
0:25:31 > 0:25:32APPLAUSE
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Now drumming with the band Handheld from Gateshead, Keith "Sticks" Warrington!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52And at the end of that round, oooh, oh, oooh-aah-ooh-aah.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Noel's team has three, whereas Phill's team has three.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07So, we end with Next Lines. Phill's team, you go first.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Your time starts now.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Lady, take me high upon a hillside.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13And do me proper.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18No. High up where the stallion meets the sun. Barry Manilow,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- Could It Be Magic.- Oh, yes.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23You don't have to be rich to be my girl.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- But it would help.- Oh, um...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Don't have to be cool to rule my world.- Prince, Kiss.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's close to midnight.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34# It's close to midnight, something evil's lurking in the dark. #
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Thriller, Michael Jackson. Tie me kangaroo down, sport.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Tie me kangaroo down.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Chris Packham, Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Chris Packham, The Bad Touch.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Waiting round the bend.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- It's Chris Packham!- No.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I'll never be allowed back in a zoo.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Noel's team, you need seven points to win.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09And your time starts now.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Pack it up, pack it in.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Let me begin. - House Of Pain, Jump Around.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14I think you're crazy.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Possibly.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20- Do you want another go? - I think you're crazy!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I just got a blowie from a dolphin!
0:27:22 > 0:27:27Gnarls Barkley, Crazy. I guess he's an XBox and I'm more Atari.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28I pity the fool.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29But the way...
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Oh, but the way you play your game ain't fair. Damn! It's my song!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- You did sing these? Good.- Yeah.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Hand in glove.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- And the sun shines out of your behind.- With Those Badgers, Chris Packham.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Wild horses.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Couldn't drag me away.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Chris Packham, Wild Horses. Love cats.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53- Never touch them.- No, Chris, it's illegal. You do right. It's illegal.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58We lost.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Well, now. At the end of all that bit of television,
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Phill's team has nine points, but Noel's team has ten points!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Thanks to Noel, Cee Lo and Chris,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Phill, Andi and Example. I've been Robert Webb.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24This has been...fine. Good night.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:44 > 0:28:47E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk