0:00:00 > 0:00:03This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37If you're watching on BBC2, hello,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39and if you're watching on Dave+1 in the year 2020...
0:00:39 > 0:00:43HE SPEAKS MOCK CHINESE
0:00:45 > 0:00:47On Phill's team tonight...
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Goldie's autobiography is called Nine Lives,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55which is a stupid title for a man with a dog's name.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57It's Goldie!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:10He's a comedian who's been on kids' TV, sings in a choir and looks like that.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13The fact he's not a child molester once lost me £100.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16It's Miles Jupp.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19APPLAUSE
0:01:19 > 0:01:21And on Noel's team...
0:01:21 > 0:01:22# Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde... #
0:01:22 > 0:01:27I only found out backstage that Professor Green isn't a real professor.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31It's almost as embarrassing as the time I let Dr Fox put his finger up my arse.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33LAUGHTER
0:01:33 > 0:01:34I knew, really!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- It's Professor Green! - APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# ..I tried to run, tripped up... #
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# ..I'm a survivor I'm not gonna give up
0:01:42 > 0:01:45# I'm not gonna stop I'm gonna work harder... #
0:01:45 > 0:01:47As a member of Destiny's Child,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51she's one of the most famous and beautiful women in the world's...friend.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Please welcome Michelle Williams! - APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:01:58# ..I'm a survivor! #
0:02:01 > 0:02:07- What did I say...? - That's as harsh as it gets. That's as bad as it gets, it'll be fine.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:10 > 0:02:12You said that and I got hit for it.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Are you sure you didn't get hit for looking like a bisexual Doctor Who?
0:02:19 > 0:02:24So we begin with Sorry, No Refunds. Phill, Goldie and Miles, look at this.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25# Our time is... #
0:02:26 > 0:02:29They've filled more stadiums than Hurricane Katrina,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32they're regularly voted the greatest live band in the world,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36which is ironic as we'd all rather see them dead. It's Muse.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39# ..You can't stop it screaming out
0:02:39 > 0:02:42# How did it come to this...? #
0:02:46 > 0:02:54That was Muse with Time Is Running Out, but why did Muse cancel a whole day of press in 2007 in New York?
0:02:54 > 0:03:00Was it because a), they were convinced that a giant asteroid was heading their way,
0:03:00 > 0:03:05b) Matt Bellamy has a theory that all journalists are descended from lizards...
0:03:05 > 0:03:09or c) Matt Bellamy lost his voice in a shouting contest?
0:03:09 > 0:03:14- This is a very difficult question you've opened with, Frankie. - Well, get used to it, bitch!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19We can see what sort of mood you've turned up in tonight, Frankie!
0:03:19 > 0:03:21And now we know why you didn't get Blockbusters!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26The sound of angry Devon, I believe.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Are they into their conspiracy theories in the West Country?
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Big time. It'll be the lizards, definitely be the lizards.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Really?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37He's very paranoid, isn't he, Bellamy?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41He's into white-flag terrorism. Well, not into it, he believes that it's carried out regularly.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Not suggesting that he's responsible for any of the atrocities that have been committed on our island
0:03:45 > 0:03:47in the last five to six years.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52I think I'm right in thinking he believes that Osama Bin Laden
0:03:52 > 0:03:55is a robot paid for and built by the CIA.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Do you think that's a realistic theory or was he abused on acid as a child?
0:04:03 > 0:04:09Having not really heard Muse before and knowing how big they were, they're surprisingly rubbish!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Not...not at all...
0:04:12 > 0:04:13good.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17He also won sexiest man of the year award.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20He looks like a hedgehog.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I mean, don't get me wrong. I've got off with some hedgehogs before, but...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Can't believe I said that or why...
0:04:29 > 0:04:32What would be the benefit of saying you've got off with a hedgehog?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Obviously trying to get on Springwatch.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- LAUGHTER - Springwatch Nights, perhaps?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42So they thought a meteorite was heading for...
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Well, did they or didn't they, Phill? That is the nature of the multiple-choice question!
0:04:47 > 0:04:51I know you tried to trick me into giving you the answer
0:04:51 > 0:04:55- in a very foolish way there, but I'm not falling for it.- OK.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- Well, it has to be the meteorite. - Yeah.- Is that your answer?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00You're the captain. I'll go with the hierarchy.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02This isn't the army, it's a pop quiz!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04So, meteorite.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- You're right. It was that he thought that an asteroid... - APPLAUSE
0:05:09 > 0:05:15The answer is a). Singer Matt Bellamy was convinced that New York was about to be hit by a giant asteroid.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18In 2006, Muse had their equipment wrecked by a hurricane
0:05:18 > 0:05:22minutes before the coincidentally named Hurricane Festival in Germany.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26We can only wish them all the best at next year's World AIDS Day gig.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Muse were recently awarded an honorary doctorate from the University of Plymouth.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37A degree from the University of Plymouth!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40That's like being given a cake by someone who has visible eczema!
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Noel, Professor Green and Michelle, have a look at this.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51# Welcome to the jungle
0:05:52 > 0:05:53# We got fun and games... #
0:05:53 > 0:05:59This is Axl Rose in the days before I'm A Celebrity when Welcome To The Jungle was a rock anthem
0:05:59 > 0:06:02rather than the announcement that you have type-4 career cancer.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05This was from the brief period when Gun N' Roses were popular
0:06:05 > 0:06:09before Nirvana came along and made them look like gay pirates.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15That was Gun N' Roses with Welcome To The Jungle.
0:06:15 > 0:06:22It was shite, but why did Axl Rose keep fans waiting for over an hour at 2010's Reading Festival?
0:06:22 > 0:06:29Was it because a) he was watching QPR thrash the home team 3-0 at the nearby Madejski Stadium,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33b) his crew failed to wake him up from his afternoon nap,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37or c) he'd hit himself on the leg with a ninja death star?
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- OK, Axl...he looks a bit worse than that now.- He looks a lot worse.
0:06:43 > 0:06:50The Botox hasn't gone well! He's like a stunt double for Mickey Rourke's arse, basically!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56When I was little I went to a party.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01My aunt and uncle had a sort of cool house. I went to a party and Slash was there.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I was about six and I just followed him round the party, going, "What's that tattoo?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"Why is your hair so big? Why are you wearing a top hat?"
0:07:08 > 0:07:11And in the end he just got so annoyed with me he sort of stuffed me into his Afro...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I lived in there for about ten years.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16He had head lice.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20I used to saddle them up and look through his crown.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I miss those days!
0:07:24 > 0:07:28I just I'd put some whimsy in before Frankie does another AIDS joke.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Thanks. Here we go!
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Professor Green, you came to prominence through rap battles, am I right? A man after my own heart.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- Here we go! Is this where the rapping becomes...? - No, I've got a theory, right?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- You got stabbed last year, right? - Yeah.- What happened? - He was a Muppet!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I've a theory that he stabbed you because you sound like a character in Cluedo.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Was it Colonel Mustard?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Look, that was funny...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Are you trying to aim?- No, I was just saying...- Don't draw any marks when you could...
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- rap about it? - RAP BACKING TRACK
0:08:16 > 0:08:19That was funny and there's no question
0:08:19 > 0:08:21but I'm not leaving cos I'm not pressing!
0:08:30 > 0:08:35You've just got a gig, haven't you, with N-Dubz? You supporting N-Dubz?
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- Yeah, well, we're touring together next, er, April. Yeah, we're doing an arena tour together.- Sweet!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- You and Dappy?- Yeah. - Do you know Dappy?- I do know Dappy.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Now, he seems like a Muppet!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46That's not very nice.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I'm not a very nice man!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Just glad I could clear that up for you!
0:08:53 > 0:08:54To be fair...
0:08:54 > 0:08:57That's not true. I think you are a nice man.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Well, watch this...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- I read, Michelle... - Please, no, please!
0:09:08 > 0:09:13To be honest, I've done some corporate shows that have gone badly in my time...
0:09:13 > 0:09:16but I think this will be a new low.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23So we have to answer why Axl Rose did what he did?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25God bless you for getting this quiz back on track!
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- What did he do? Throw a ninja star in his own...- Ninja star to the leg,
0:09:31 > 0:09:35couldn't be woken from a nap or went to the football?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38He is a linesman, I know that, so he might have gone to the football!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- - I'm going with c). - Really? - On you own maybe there.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47The death star, you think? Do you know any ninjas?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48No!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:52The way that you're talking to me!
0:09:52 > 0:09:57It's the way a children's TV presenter talks to their glove puppet sidekick!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01It's got to be c), it's obvious.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03C), he hit himself with a ninja death star?
0:10:03 > 0:10:08- I'm afraid it's not. He couldn't be woken up from his nap.- Really?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14To be honest, I find that the least surprising thing that got said there, but there we go!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17The answer is b).
0:10:17 > 0:10:21His crew were under strict instructions not to wake him under any circumstances,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24and so failed to wake him up from his afternoon nap.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Guns 'N Roses fans were deeply disappointed.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Luckily, though, they were all morons that I'd leave inside a burning house to save a pig.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Similarly, a nap led to Cheryl Cole being late for a gig recently
0:10:40 > 0:10:42when she couldn't wake up the man who presses play.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Or the black woman who was supposed to clean her dressing room
0:10:52 > 0:10:54but had mysteriously been knocked unconscious.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Next up, it's the Intros Round. Phill and Goldie, here are yours for Miles.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Yes.- Good luck, gentlemen.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07This is a hostage note about the child you have in your basement.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I should warn you that Miles' knowledge of popular music
0:11:14 > 0:11:19generally revolves around him beating on his wall with a shooting stick
0:11:19 > 0:11:22when someone's playing something too loudly next door.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27This will be difficult, but I'm very happy to give it a good go, gents, so...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30you fire away.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Right...can we change this round to clay-pigeon shooting?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Like Goldie hasn't got a shotgun somewhere on him!- I have!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Oh! LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I think that you both go shooting on estates for different reasons!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Cool, cool!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50One, two...
0:11:50 > 0:11:53# Di-dum, di-dum, di-dum... Babba-bum-pum-pum
0:11:53 > 0:11:55# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo...
0:11:55 > 0:11:57# Muskehounds are always ready... #
0:12:00 > 0:12:03THEY REPEAT THE INTRO
0:12:05 > 0:12:08OK, yeah...
0:12:08 > 0:12:11To give you a hint, Miles, it sounds fuck-all like that!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Right, is it...? Am I allowed any sort of clues at all?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I mean, other than that, if that counts as a clue...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18We know it already! >
0:12:18 > 0:12:20We'll put the pressure on.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22That doesn't put any pressure on me.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Just...just not bothered.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Would getting a swerve on give you any clue?
0:12:30 > 0:12:34No, it would send me in absolutely the other direction!
0:12:34 > 0:12:39"Getting a swerve on"? OK, is it...? I mean, it'll be some sort of cool dance thing, will it?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43LAUGHTER Is it...?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Eliza, where are my slippers?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Er...I mean, it's probably SL2 or...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53..Adamski...
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Kaja...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56No, I'm...
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Lonnie Donegan!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I'm throwing it over.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Is it De La Soul, Me Myself And I?
0:13:01 > 0:13:05It is indeed! Me Myself And I, and this is how it should sound!
0:13:05 > 0:13:08INTRO TO "Me Myself And I" by De La Soul
0:13:12 > 0:13:14MICHELLE SINGS IT
0:13:15 > 0:13:17# Mirror, mirror on the wall
0:13:17 > 0:13:18# Tell me, mirror, what is... ? #
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Well, it's clearly a lovely song. I'm surprised it's not more popular!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Next one.- I've got a good feeling about this one.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29One, two, three, four...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32# Dam-dam, didda-didda-dam-dam
0:13:32 > 0:13:34# Didda-didda-dam-dam
0:13:34 > 0:13:36# Didda-didda-dam-dam
0:13:36 > 0:13:39# Chank, chank, chank, chank... Didda-didda-dam-dam
0:13:39 > 0:13:42# Chank, chank, chank, chank... Didda-didda-dam-dam
0:13:42 > 0:13:44# Chank, chank, chank, chank... Didda-didda-dam-dam... #
0:13:44 > 0:13:48If my brain was wired up to a machine now, it would be flatlining.
0:13:49 > 0:13:55Miles, you were staring blankly like a horse that had been asked to book a holiday!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Any ideas?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Was it...?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- I...- I'm going to put you out your misery.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08It was the Arctic Monkeys, Fluorescent Adolescent, which sound like this!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11INTRO TO "Fluorescent Adolescent" by the Arctic Monkeys
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Yeah...
0:14:22 > 0:14:25That was the Arctic Monkeys with Fluorescent Adolescent.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28People give Alex Turner and Alexa Chung a hard time,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31but I think that they'll still be around in 20 years,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34her surname keeping them safe during the waves of Chinese genocide.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44We also heard Me Myself And I by De La Soul.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48De La Soul had a huge hit with Three Is The Magic Number.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Incidentally, it's also the theme tune for the National Fingering Association.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I thought this was a hearty, wholesome family show!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I think most weeks it is, to be fair.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07I come along once a series and ruin it for everybody.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Fingering's quite old-fashioned.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Do you have that in America? No? What's it called in America?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Don't tell her about it, Noel! Rap about it!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24RAP BACKING TRACK
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Noel and Professor Green, here are your intros for Michelle.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- You all right? - Feel like I should have dollar bills or something. - Dollar bills?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- Mm-hm. - I'm not a hooker!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44This is "ship-hop".
0:15:45 > 0:15:49This is music that makes me want to kill myself.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52No, life is worth living!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Michelle, Frankie. Frankie, Michelle.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It is cool hanging out with you.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03It's like being in an episode of Fraggle Rock.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08"Hey, Noel, put down the crack pipe! Life's great, everybody!"
0:16:12 > 0:16:13The intro?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- That's all there is to the song? - Yep!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39It's just the intro. It gets really good after that.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I should stop drinking blood.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...
0:16:46 > 0:16:49And I'm supposed to know this?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Band?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Group? Duo?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Solo?
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Band.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59American.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Used to be good but are terrible now.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Three of them.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- Four of them.- Four of them, shit! I don't even...
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- You guys got any ideas?- No. - I thought it sounded like Enya!
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- A really bad version of Enya. - OK, I feel like I'm killing a wounded animal here.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Let's put it out of its misery.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21This is the Black Eyed Peas, I Gotta Feeling, which sounds like this.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25INTRO TO "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Oh, gosh! It is about intros. I like the song.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I love the way you try to find the happy place.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Shall we do the next one?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- Ready? Come on, take your hands out your pockets! You're not trying. - Sorry!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50WHISTLING
0:17:52 > 0:17:55SHE TAKES UP THE MELODY
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Be happy.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Frankie was helping.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01# Be happy now. #
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Reggae, reggae, sauce, ba-doong, ching.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Be Happy, Bobby McFerrin.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Yeah, well done!- We got one right.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10We got one!
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Here's how it sounds.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15INTRO TO "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Life's worth living!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Yeah, keep telling yourself that! - Be happy!
0:18:24 > 0:18:28So that was Bobby McFerrin with Don't Worry, Be Happy.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Don't Worry, Be Happy is a great song to play when delivering bad news,
0:18:31 > 0:18:36such as, "I'm sorry, Mrs Cordon, we can't do a termination, he's 31."
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Bobby McFerrin clicks his fingers and beats his chest to create music.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49Coincidentally, that's also how Wayne Rooney signals to his handlers that he needs wanking off.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55We also heard I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01will.i.am has been romantically linked to Cheryl Cole.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04When asked if he was going to enter into a long-term relationship with her,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07he changed his name to will.i.fuck!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Round Three is the Identity Parade.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Phill, Goldie and Miles, how about some '80s pop?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17For the audience only, here's Matt Bianco.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20# Don't blame it on the girl
0:19:22 > 0:19:25# She wants a better world... #
0:19:36 > 0:19:39That was Matt Bianco with Don't Blame It On The Girl.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42But which of our line-up is drummer Robin Jones?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Is in number one, Robin Jones?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Number two, "robbing" this show of any dignity?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Number three, Robin Cook's corpse?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Number four, Robin of Shitwood?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Or number five, "rubbing" his cock up against the school-bus window?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Let me turn to our pop master, Jupp.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Oh, yes, hello.- You'll remember Matt Bianco!- Matt Bianco?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Yeah, they sang that last one that we heard...
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- Goldie?- I think I could sniff a drummer out, me.- How?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I don't know, you can just feel it.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28That's a very unusual and almost useless talent to have.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Have you been voted off Strictly, then?- Yes, that's me.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Before I even got my sequins sorted.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- You've been voted off while Ann Widdecombe was still on.- Yeah.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42So you're less popular than a homophobic human mudslide?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45APPLAUSE
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Less popular than Widdecombe puts you in a camp with Peter Andre and herpes!
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- Yeah.- And that is a camp you don't want to be in.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59My favourite thing about you, Goldie, my favourite thing I read,
0:20:59 > 0:21:04is that you allegedly attacked someone who threw a peanut at your Ferrari.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Do you ever worry you're not keeping it real?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- What was it? Was it a drive-by allergy attack?- It was a...
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Yeah... It was a true story, that was. It was a blazing...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I don't know why you're telling me about it...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22RAP BACKING TRACK
0:21:24 > 0:21:30- Michelle? You're still on Strictly. - Yes.- You enjoying it? - I'm having a great time.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33As an American celebrity, as a beautiful woman with incredible teeth,
0:21:33 > 0:21:38how does it feel wandering around British celebrities with their horrible teeth?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Look at my teeth! They're like a vandalised graveyard.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49That was literally the nicest thing I had on the card.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Er...that's really bad.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- Can I read the card?- I really don't think you want to see this.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Someone's got to draw the line.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03APPLAUSE
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I reckon it's number four. That's what I think.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15- You think four?- I think four's a drummer.- You reckon? - I'll give it a shot, four.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18OK, four. Let's find out. Would the real Robin Jones please step forward?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22APPLAUSE
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Aaaah!
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Aaaah!
0:22:27 > 0:22:33With a new album called Sabroso Mambo out from his band King Salsa, Robin Jones, ladies and gentlemen!
0:22:33 > 0:22:34APPLAUSE
0:22:38 > 0:22:44Noel, Professor Green and Michelle, what about some smooth '80s soul?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48For the audience only here is Glen Goldsmith.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52# I'm dreaming, I'm still dreaming
0:22:52 > 0:22:57# Lying here right by my side you're next to me
0:22:57 > 0:22:58# Dreaming
0:22:58 > 0:23:01# Say I'm not dreaming
0:23:01 > 0:23:04# Tell me that it's love I feel
0:23:04 > 0:23:06# And my dream is real... #
0:23:06 > 0:23:11That was Glen Goldsmith with Dreaming, but which of our line-up is Glen Goldsmith?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Is it number one, dreaming?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Number two, dreaming of a proper acting job?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Number three, dreaming that he's naked and riding on the back of a Labrador?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Number four, dreaming of death?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Or number five, waking up with a hard-on?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32INAUDIBLE
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- What did you say? - "That guy does have a hard-on"?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Can they bust a move or anything?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I'm sure they can. They can bust a nut by the look of them!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55You were in Destiny's Child. You can command them like your zombie army.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Number...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59three...
0:23:59 > 0:24:00dance!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- Would this help? - RAP BACKING TRACK
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- He's pretty cool.- He's tempting.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Number five...
0:24:12 > 0:24:13dance!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15RAP BACKING TRACK
0:24:18 > 0:24:20He's dancing in his trousers!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23APPLAUSE
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Maybe if we got some women from the audience they would dance with them.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Oh, come on, hon. Dance with all my...
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Michelle Williams, she's asked for this.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Round of applause.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Do them all in order.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Tell you what! You don't get dirty bitches like that on Mock The Week!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Has that helped?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14It's helped number five!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18What do you think, Professor Green?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Staying pretty silent there. - Three or five, I think.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23NOEL: It's not five, is it?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28I think three looks like a pop star. I think it's number three.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Let's find out. Would the real Glen Goldsmith please step forward?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Still performing and writing songs, Glen Goldsmith, ladies and gentlemen!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42APPLAUSE
0:25:46 > 0:25:50And at the end of that round the scores are 3 points to Noel, 2 points to Phill!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53APPLAUSE
0:25:56 > 0:25:59So we end with Next Lines. Noel's team, you're in the lead.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Your time starts now.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Guns don't kill people...
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- Rappers do!- Spoken like a hard case!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Michelle, can you handle this?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Beyonce, can you handle this? Kelly, can you handle this?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I don't think they can handle this!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20You're right, we can barely handle it. Destiny's Child.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Look, you know I make ends off crime...
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Is that one of mine?
0:26:27 > 0:26:32- Hold on to yours, we're spending mine.- Yeah, you've remembered your own crime boast!
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- Money's too tight to mention. - Is that Mick Hucknall?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Oh, I'm appalled that I know that!
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Feel like I'm choking on a ginger pube as we speak.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# Money's too tight to mention... # Come on, help me, Professor Green!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51You don't know Hucknall's work, do you?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Money, money, money. Simply Red.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Question. Tell me what you think about me.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04- Only ring your cell-y when I'm feeling lonely.- OK.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05I'm baffled. It was...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07END-OF-ROUND MUSIC
0:27:07 > 0:27:09APPLAUSE
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Noel's team have 11 points.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- We've got Jupp.- You have 2, but you also have Miles Jupp!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- Oh, yeah!- Yeah, gentleman Jupp!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Welcome to the jungle...
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- We got fun and games.- Yeah, Guns 'N Roses. Amadeus, Amadeus...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- Rock me, Amadeus. - Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus!
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- Inner-city life... That's you, Goldie.- That's me, yeah.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Is it?- Inner-city life,
0:27:33 > 0:27:38- inner-city life pressure taking over me. You now live in Hertfordshire, that's why you didn't get it.- Yeah.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42What's the story in Balamory?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- Wouldn't you like to know? - Theme tune to Balamory.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51You're not going to lure anybody like that, Frankie, so stop there!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53My luring days are over.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01- Teletubbies, Teletubbies say eh-oh! - They do indeed.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Rosie and Jim, Rosie and Jim.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08I've literally bile rising in my throat at you reading out children's TV themes.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Chugging along on the old ragdoll.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15END-OF-ROUND MUSIC
0:28:15 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Final scores. 11 to Noel's team,
0:28:23 > 0:28:26and Phill's side only have 8. Noel's side are the winners.
0:28:36 > 0:28:36Well played.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Thanks to Phill, Goldie and Miles, Noel, Professor Green and Michelle.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44This has been a disaster.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Good night.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:58 > 0:29:02E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk