0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:20 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hello, and welcome to the show.
0:00:33 > 0:00:39I'm Jack Dee. I'm now a father of teenagers, but I won't let that dictate how I run the show tonight.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42So let's all have some good fun, but keep it sensible.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43On Noel's team...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45# Say it ain't so
0:00:45 > 0:00:46# I will not go... #
0:00:46 > 0:00:51- ..the greatest musical collaboration since Lennon met Chapman, it's Jedward.- Hey, guys!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:01She's got her own sketch show on ITV2, just after Jordan's show.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05It's not the best slot, but it makes Alex Reid happy. It's Katy Brand.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:14And on Phill's team tonight...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16# See you with a broken string... #
0:01:16 > 0:01:21..she's a shiny new pop starlet with a surname inspired by Justin Lee Collins' work diary.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22It's Eliza Doolittle!
0:01:22 > 0:01:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:36Star of The Fast Show, here to appear on The Surprisingly Slow Show Until It's Been Brutally Edited,
0:01:36 > 0:01:37it's Charlie Higson.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:47So, we begin with Connections. Phill, Eliza and Charlie, have a look at this.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50# You can get delirious If you take life... #
0:01:50 > 0:01:56Interestingly, it hasn't been Chico Time since the clocks went forward - five years ago. It's Chico.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01# You can get delirious If you take life too serious
0:02:01 > 0:02:03# It's Chico time... #
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- # Sexuality... #- For any younger viewers wondering what war,
0:02:06 > 0:02:10famine and injustice look like, here's the man that cured them all.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12It's Billy Bragg.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17# Your laws do not apply to me... #
0:02:18 > 0:02:23That was Chico with Chico Time and Billy Bragg with Sexuality, but what connects them?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26What connects Chico and Billy Bragg?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Well done, Phill, you've correctly understood the question.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Phill, you directed that video, didn't you?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Er, yes. I was just actually looking at the still of myself there,
0:02:35 > 0:02:41seeing that actually, at the time, in the 1980s, I appeared to be a quite successful lesbian.
0:02:41 > 0:02:47I have to say that you, Phill and Charlie, you look like a very gay couple trying to adopt a daughter.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53But what do those lot look like?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I think this lot looks more like a production of Oliver,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59styled by Vivienne Westwood.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00This team is amazing.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Look how cool it looks, OK? Look at the... It's so cool.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Never in my life have I looked more like a paedophile.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17I'm pretty sure I could get you in the back of my coffin.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19With the right sweets.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I'm imagining Tutti Fruttis for you, and Jelly Tots for you.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- OK. We love Jelly Beans. - Well, you've given it away now!
0:03:27 > 0:03:31You aren't supposed to tell paedophiles what sweets you like.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36When we were younger, we used to have this book on strangers, and it was a really, really scary book.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I was on the cover!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42No, they had some really, really strange man with glasses.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Did you learn from it? Did you find it useful?- Yes.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46It was scary, and I was scared from it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Still worked with Louis Walsh, though, didn't you?
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Can I draw everyone's attention to the fact that Charlie Higson appears to be Tweeting?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I am. I'm just updating my Twitter feed.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04"I can't believe I'm on Buzzcocks with Jedward. It's going well."
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Yeah, well...
0:04:05 > 0:04:10- You're a big Tweeter, aren't you? You like to Twit. Tweet.- Yeah. Our Twitter's @planetjedward.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13John took a picture of me when I was, like, asleep in bed.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15We Tweet the most random things. I woke up...
0:04:15 > 0:04:22Can John finish the sentence before you start the next one, please?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23It's like an auction!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"John Tweeted, then I Tweeted, then John Tweeted, then I..."
0:04:33 > 0:04:37I've got a couple here, cos someone looked into the kind of things that you Tweet.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41"Had nightmares. Now awake Tweeting and eating carrots."
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Carrots are very nice.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Apparently, you also Tweeted, "It's so weird this morning.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- "Edward broke a- bowel,- and then the Coco Pops went everywhere."
0:04:57 > 0:05:02I always have spelling mistakes, OK? And they're always, like, "Oh, my God, what are they trying to say?"
0:05:02 > 0:05:06But then, our fans know that we're always, like, misspelling things.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Can I suggest something? Everyone shuts up now,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11and we get on with the question that I asked half an hour ago?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Chico is going to be... - Oh, my God, I forgot about that.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Oh, nearly.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20You guys are just...
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Come on, persevere, persevere. You'll get something out.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25OK, you broke my heart in pieces.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Go on, Charlie. Yeah? - Chico is in a very weird position...
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Shut up!- Yeah.- Is it political?
0:05:32 > 0:05:37- Not really.- Is Chico a communist? - No, it's not. No, no, no. No.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Is it something they used to do before they were singers? - Jobs. Was it jobs?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- Did they share a career? - Well, they had the same career.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- Pet grooming?- Oh, very close. - Police pathologist?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49No, Charlie, no.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53They were both goat herders at one point.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55No, they weren't!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Well, I'm afraid they were.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01The answer is they both worked as goat herders before they found fame,
0:06:01 > 0:06:06although only one of them is absolutely certain to take it up again professionally.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Chico recently helped launch an anti-bullying campaign.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14And if you've been affected by any of tonight's issues, here's the number.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19And, guys, I've seen the autocue, so you might want to hang on to that.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Oh, yeah, cos, like... Yeah. Oh, yeah.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Noel, Jedward and Katie, would you have a look at this?
0:06:28 > 0:06:29# All around the world... #
0:06:29 > 0:06:33He shocked the music world by quitting rock to start a fashion line.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38"There's a turn-up," he said, before also correctly identifying a pocket and a pair of trousers.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39It's Liam Gallagher.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41# All around the world... #
0:06:41 > 0:06:43# ..moment like this... #
0:06:43 > 0:06:46He always had a special place in his heart for his favourite twins.
0:06:46 > 0:06:52Not Jedward, he means his actual tits. It's the thoroughly heterosexual Simon Cowell.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54# And people search forever
0:06:54 > 0:06:57# For that one special kiss... #
0:06:57 > 0:07:02That, of course, was Simon Cowell. We also saw Oasis with All Around The World.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05But what connects Simon Cowell with Liam Gallagher?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- OK, there's... - I thought you might know.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10There is actually so many different things.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- One will do. - What do you think, Katy?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'm slightly disturbed, cos whenever that music comes on
0:07:14 > 0:07:20- with the sort of black and white montage of anyone, I suddenly find them quite attractive.- Do you?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Yes.- Most footage of Hitler is in black and white.- Well...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26It's not something I want to... Yeah.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31There's a lot of negativity going round right now, people comparing Simon Cowell to Hitler, OK?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I think he's pretty cool.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37You see, it's lines out of context like that that gets everyone in trouble.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Exactly!
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- I love that window into the way you're processing this show. - I don't know what's going on.
0:07:44 > 0:07:50Eliza Doolittle, now, you said that you would never go on X Factor. What's going on there?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Well, the only reason is cos I love writing, and as far as I know,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58what you can see from what the people who do come off the show don't really...
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- Can't write.- ..write music, or it doesn't seem like they write music.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- It seems like they just... - No, fair enough. No, that's... Yeah. Yeah.- We totally agree.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Do you?
0:08:07 > 0:08:12Cos I think I've got a lot in common with you, cos you also list your likes
0:08:12 > 0:08:16as "bubbles in my tummy, smiles and laughing".
0:08:16 > 0:08:17That's me all over.
0:08:17 > 0:08:23So, what do you reckon? What's the connection between Simon Cowell and Liam Gallagher?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Were they both goat herds?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Probably, at some point. - Well, they're both the same height.
0:08:28 > 0:08:34- Who's going to win in a fight? - Is it that they've both recovered from lupus?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- They both have cool hairstyles. - What would you know?
0:08:38 > 0:08:43- Did they both invent the Pritt Stick at the same time?- No.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- I know, I know! - "They're human beings"!
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I actually know. They've both met the Queen.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52They've both met the Queen. What?
0:08:52 > 0:08:57- No, in actual fact they've both judged dog shows.- Dog shows?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01In Jedward's defence, that connection is not necessarily any better than some of the ones...
0:09:01 > 0:09:07No, I agree, but it was there, and obviously, if you knew music like I do, you would have known that.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I went to a dog race before.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- You went to a dog race?- You know the dog races, and you're, like...
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I think me and him one time bet money on it, OK?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17And we were below the age, OK?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19But we still did it anyway. And then... What do you do?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21The one that always goes to the...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I don't know. Yeah, before the race, kind of somehow always wins.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Well, it's been a super anecdote, but we have to move on.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36The answer is they've both judged dog shows.
0:09:36 > 0:09:43Liam sat on the Pup Idol panel at his local pub, while Cowell judged an RSPCA dog show in Brighton.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47The RSPCA were delighted with the event, but a spokesman said
0:09:47 > 0:09:51it was a shame Simon's prize-winning puppies had stayed under his sweater.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Cowell has promised to leave some of his fortune to a dogs' home.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58His children won't be happy. Oh, wait, that's right, I forgot.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59He'd love to have children,
0:09:59 > 0:10:04but there's currently no time in his busy schedule to instinctively fancy women.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10next up, it's the Intros round.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13So, Phill and Eliza, here are yours for Charlie.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- There are your intros, please. - Thank you very much.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- OK.- Hang about. "It's the Intros round. Hooray."
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Oh, OK. OK, go on, then.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28# Diddle-iddle diddle-iddle diddle-iddle diddle-iddle...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30# Diddle-iddle diddle-iddle diddle-iddle...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32# Der-der-der!
0:10:32 > 0:10:33# Diddle-iddle... #
0:10:33 > 0:10:37"Eliza is making a strangely exciting noise.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"Am distracted."
0:10:41 > 0:10:42# Dum-dum
0:10:42 > 0:10:47# Dum, dum-dum, dum-dum
0:10:47 > 0:10:48# Dum-dum-dum-dum... #
0:10:48 > 0:10:52I have to admit, I've got the answer in front of me, and I do not know what they're doing.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56I could listen to it for hours.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- It's very interesting. - It goes on forever!
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Piano'll go...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03# Diddle-iddle diddle-iddle... #
0:11:03 > 0:11:05That's the clue to the fingers there.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- Let her do the diddle-diddle-diddle. - I'm happy to just do the fingers.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25You guys got to work together. You need to focus, OK?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27SHUT UP!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Eliza!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- I haven't the slightest idea what it is.- I'll give you a clue.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Can I give you a clue? What would you do, Charlie Higson, for love?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What would you do?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47I'd Do Anything (But I Wouldn't Do That). By Meat Loaf.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I Would Do Anything For Love. Yes, he got it. He did actually get it!
0:11:51 > 0:11:58He did actually get that. Oh, yes. And here's how it should have sounded.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00INTRO PLAYS
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I have to say that we are very thrilled to have Charlie Higson here,
0:12:04 > 0:12:09because I was going to mention his new book, which is an absolutely terrific read.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I know that a lot of people love it.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, sorry. How did that happen?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Sorry. No, that's Charlie Higson's new book.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Let's go on with one more. Phill and Eliza, one more, please.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21- All right?- Mm-hm.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23One, two, three, four...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26# Dow na-na-na-na-na-na Now na-na-na-na
0:12:26 > 0:12:27# Now na-na Now na-na
0:12:27 > 0:12:29# Now na-now-na-na-na
0:12:29 > 0:12:30# Dig-a-dow
0:12:30 > 0:12:33# Na-na-na-na Dow-dow-dow-da-da
0:12:33 > 0:12:36# Dun-der-der-der Dow-dow-dow da-dow
0:12:36 > 0:12:38# Dun-der-der Dow-dow-dow-dow
0:12:38 > 0:12:40# Dow-dow-dow-dung-dung
0:12:40 > 0:12:41# Dow-dow-dow da-da! #
0:12:41 > 0:12:44It's got some heavy guitars in it.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Yeah.- Mm, I like that. It was really rocking.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52Yours sounded a bit like a mandolin. Is there a mandolin? Or was that a slightly weedy electric guitar?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55That was just my version of an electric guitar!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- That's a tough one. - It is a tough one.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- We know it. - Probably more up your street, knowing what I know about you.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I think you probably would have had this.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Yes, it's the Sex Pistols.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Not Holidays in the Sun, is it? No.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13- Oh, no, it's not. It's... - We know it!- God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16It says in my notes that this is how it should have sounded,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20but of course, what it should have sounded like is the national anthem.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23This is God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25INTRO PLAYS
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Yeah!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29We knew the song.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You didn't, but I did know the song.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41# God save the Queen... #
0:13:41 > 0:13:45So, we heard Meat Loaf with I Would Do Anything For Love.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Meat Loaf is part Cherokee Indian.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Interestingly, his Indian name is Running Back For Seconds.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55And God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols.
0:13:55 > 0:14:01Many have accused Johnny Rotten of selling out after his appearance in adverts for Country Life butter.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Jedward have never lost their credibility, and refuse to sell anything.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- Even records.- Yes.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Although, to be fair, Jack, their album's the biggest-selling album this year.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19- Was it?- Yep.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- In Ireland!- In Ireland.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28And Papua New Guinea, so two big markets there.
0:14:28 > 0:14:34Well done. Well done, guys. So, Noel and Jedward, here are yours for Katy. So here you go.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Oh, my God, it's shiny! Katy, are you ready?
0:14:38 > 0:14:43- I think I'm ready, guys. - All these songs have been made famous by Jedward.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48If you do what we did in the room earlier, we can all have some Angel Delight later.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56# Are you ready?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58# Yes. #
0:15:00 > 0:15:05All right, hang on. Concentrate. It's like a simpleton Bros.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09One, two, three, go.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11# Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun
0:15:11 > 0:15:14# Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun
0:15:14 > 0:15:15# Baow baow
0:15:15 > 0:15:18# Dun dun dun diddle-oon dun Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun
0:15:18 > 0:15:19# Baow baow
0:15:19 > 0:15:23# Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun
0:15:23 > 0:15:24# Dun-dun-dun diddle-oon dun. #
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I'm in Jedward! Fuck you!
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- Do I stop this?- Please.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Jack, I think I know what it is.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Go on, Katy. What is it? Do tell.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35- No, I know, I know.- Remember...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38SHUT UP!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Katy.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I think it's Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby).
0:15:49 > 0:15:54It is, you've got correct point, absolutely accurate.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Here's how it should have sounded.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59INTRO PLAYS
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Worst boy band ever.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Can we have the next song, please.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16OK, moving on. OK, ready for this amazing performance, OK?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- You ready?- Yeah.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20OK, you ready?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Stop eating paper.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Katy's had an aneurism!
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Ladies and gentlemen, it's very important
0:16:34 > 0:16:38that you send what you can to have Katy Brand freed from this quiz.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42OK, we want to create the atmosphere, OK.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- You do it straight away. - OK, let's do this, OK.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50We're creating the atmosphere, OK? Aaagh! Aaagh! Aaagh!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Wait. Hold up for a second.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57I've got a gun, and I'm going to bust you.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Are you creating atmosphere in the way that the guy who ran into Columbine created an atmosphere?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04# Do-do do-do-do do-do
0:17:04 > 0:17:06# Do-do-do-do-do do-do
0:17:06 > 0:17:08# Do-do do-do-do do-do... #
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Ready, ready?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I can't get down that low, my trousers are too tight.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Hey, move over.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18# Doo-doo, doo-doo... #
0:17:18 > 0:17:23- Where's your little "diddle eh-oh eh-oh?"- I got a bit excited. I'm on a desk.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- I think I know what it is. - Please, Katy, do tell us.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I think it might be Ghostbusters.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31It is Ghostbusters. It is, it is.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Well done, well done.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39So rewarding to be able to watch people be able to perform and maintain their integrity.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- Here's how it should have sounded. - We're in the wrong seats.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44INTRO PLAYS
0:17:44 > 0:17:46How can you tell?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- # Diddle eh-oh eh-oh- Ghostbusters! #
0:17:58 > 0:18:01If there's something strange in the neighbourhood.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04# If there's something strange in the neighbourhood
0:18:04 > 0:18:07# Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12# If there's something weird and it don't look good
0:18:12 > 0:18:14# Who you going to call? #
0:18:22 > 0:18:28Does anyone remember when I used to host sometimes Have I Got News For You?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30So, that was Jedward with Ghostbusters.
0:18:30 > 0:18:37Ghostbusters' original singer, Ray Parker Jr, has recently been seen on television advertising 118 118.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39A chilling glimpse into the future, eh, boys?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42And he was the ORIGINAL artist.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48At the end of that round, and I use the term loosely,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Phill's team have two, and Noel's team also have two.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- Lots of slapping of hands over there.- High-fives.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05How about faces next?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Round three is the identity parade.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Phill, Eliza and Charlie, how about some early '90s novelty pop?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18For the audience only, here is Pat and Mick.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20# Everybody
0:19:20 > 0:19:22# All you people gather round
0:19:24 > 0:19:26# I'm going to use it up
0:19:26 > 0:19:28# I'm gonna wear it out
0:19:28 > 0:19:32# Ain't nothing else in this whole world I care about
0:19:35 > 0:19:37# One, two, three Shake your body down. #
0:19:37 > 0:19:40That was Pat and Mick with Use It Up And Wear It Out.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43But which of our line-up is Mick Brown?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Is it number one, use it up and wear it out?
0:19:46 > 0:19:51Number two, roll it up and throw it away.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Number three, take it back and ask for a refund.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Number four, never shop here again.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Or Pat Sharp?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- So it's not five. - It's not five, we don't think.
0:20:15 > 0:20:20- Right,- OK.- So have we got to work out which one isn't Pat Sharp?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23No, no, Pat Sharp is five. Gentleman broadcaster.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25We've got to find Mick.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29I don't want to lay on the pressure, but I'd just like to say at this point, if it's relevant,
0:20:29 > 0:20:30that I know exactly who it is.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I know who all five of them are, but I'm not going to say.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37I know number four, cos I'm friends with him on Facebook.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I don't like to ask, and it seems a little impertinent, but have you poked him?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- With my fingers.- Oh please, stop.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Didn't Pat Sharp use to have mad hair?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59It was not mad! It was luxuriant, sir.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Beautiful. He looked like a Norse god.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- Are you going to make a guess? - What?- Are you going to make a guess?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06It's a nice respite,
0:21:06 > 0:21:11the longer this round goes on. I don't want to say anything, Jack.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I get your meaning, Phill, I get your drift.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- You keep it going, it's relaxing. - We cannot be silenced.- Ugh.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20It's like the mother of two naughty children.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25People knocking at the door, going, "Your kids are absolute dicks."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27And I'm going, "They're good boys, really.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30"When they're asleep. Look at them."
0:21:30 > 0:21:32We actually are really good.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35You have a delightful and alluring naivety,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38but within the context of this quiz, you do make Dappy look like Stephen Fry.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53That was a compliment. Are we going to have a guess?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- We're not having a guess. We know! It's number two.- Number two.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Well, let's find out. Would the real Mick Brown please step forward?
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Mick Brown.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Now hosting the drivetime show on southwest London's Radio Jackie,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15it's Mick Brown, ladies and gentlemen.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:23 > 0:22:30Noel and Jedward and Katy, how about some mid-'90s dance music? For the audience only, here is Pianoman.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31# Girls who are boys
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# Who like boys to be girls
0:22:33 > 0:22:34# Who do boys like they're girls
0:22:34 > 0:22:37# Who do girls like they're boys
0:22:37 > 0:22:40# Girls who are boys Who like boys to be girls
0:22:40 > 0:22:42# Who do boys like they're girls
0:22:42 > 0:22:45# Who do girls like they're boys. #
0:22:45 > 0:22:51That was Pianoman with Blurred, but which of our line-up is James Sammon, also known as Pianoman?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Is it number one, James Salmon.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Number two, split kipper.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Number three, prawn balls.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Number four, little winkle.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Or Pat Sharpe?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Why are four of them bald and one of them has hair?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Because, John, one of them's Pat Sharp.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21That's the joke of this round, that former DJ Pat Sharp...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I know, he's cool.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I know, but he's in both the line-ups, it's like a joke.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31- I know, I was thinking... Oh, yeah. - Thank you for explaining that, Katie.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35I think if I had had to explain it, I would have been sick.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Do you want to swap for a while? - Yeah, why not?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Come on, little fella.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Come and sit with your Uncle Phillip.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53I love you both, but you're bringing on a panic attack.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Really? Really?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I just wanted Phill to get the Jedward experience.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- Phill, do you know which one Pianoman is?- No, but I know who Pat Sharp is, my friend.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I've got an idea. What about if Jedward joined the line-up?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Would that be a good idea? Who'd want to see that?
0:24:10 > 0:24:15- You can have Pat Sharp on your team instead.- Yes, yes!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18CHEERING
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Shall we go for it?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I don't want to.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Join the line-up. You saw what they did in the line-up.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Come on, Jedward, come with Daddy.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Stand next to each other.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Hold the five.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40There's been another hostile takeover.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Pat Sharp, as befits a man of his stature, is now team captain.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:53 > 0:24:56As befits a man of my stature, I have two seats.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02It only took 14 years, but finally I'm comfortable.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Guys, you know what you need? You need sunglasses. Pat, may I?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Yeah, absolutely.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10This is what we need, hang on.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14This is going to work.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16OK, Jackie.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20- I'm going to break this in half, so you have half each. - Jedward are pirates.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Can I just say, someone has just told me that Pat Sharp is blind, and I feel terribly bad.
0:25:39 > 0:25:45- Katy, have you got any ideas? - Shall we put it out there and just say, let's maybe go for number one.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Number one. Pat, are you happy with that?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I feel number one more than five, yeah.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57- Let's find out. Would the real James Sammon please step forward? - Check out the fingers.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58It is!
0:25:58 > 0:26:03APPLAUSE
0:26:03 > 0:26:09Still works as a dance music producer, it's James Sammon, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks very much.
0:26:12 > 0:26:19Thank you to Pat Sharp, our guest captain. And could everyone just return to their seats, please?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Thank you, Pat. Bring the boys back. Come on, guys.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Well done.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35It's Next Lines time.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Noel's team over this side, it's you first. Everybody in love.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Put your hands up.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Nearly. Go on, put your hands up.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46JLS, Everybody In Love.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47God save the queen.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50She ain't no human being.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Actually, no. The fascist regime. Sex Pistols.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55What time is it?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Chico time.- Yeah, Chico time.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I don't care what the whisperers say.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02They whisper too loud for me.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Eliza Doolittle, well done, you got it.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Oh wouldn't it be loverly. - Oh wouldn't it be loverly.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Eliza... You've made lots of songs. - That's not mine.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Eliza Doolittle, it says. From My Fair Lady.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18If you could walk with the animals, talk with the animals...
0:27:22 > 0:27:24THEY LAUGH
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- I don't know this. - You should, this is Dr Dolittle, that's your dad.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32He's actually my uncle. My uncle.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35END OF ROUND BUZZER
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Phill's now got nine points,
0:27:42 > 0:27:48and Noel's team here on this side, I know it's confusing, have three points.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Which means, you need seven to win.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Who let the dogs out?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who? #
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Yes, I'll do that.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Stop, collaborate and listen.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Stop, collaborate and listen Jedward's back... #
0:28:01 > 0:28:07- Or Ice is back with a brand new adventure.- Don't just sing the words I've read out.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Vanilla Ice, Ice Ice Baby.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14Inside voices.
0:28:14 > 0:28:19You're my mum, you're my dad, and you're my uncle now.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I would like a blood test.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27If there's something strange in your neighbourhood. Who you gonna call?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29The Samaritans.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34- It's Ghostbusters. - Ghostbusters, it is.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Two little boys had two little toys.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- Each had a wooden horse. - Correct, Rolf Harris.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Shut up, shut up, just shut up.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# Shut up, just shut up, shut up. #
0:28:44 > 0:28:47In that case you're right to repeat what I read, it's the Black Eyed Peas.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50It's-a not-a so bad, it's a nice-a place.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Shadappa your face.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Please shut up.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00- Are you trying to tell us something? - Yeah.- Finally!
0:29:00 > 0:29:04It's not a song, it actually says, "Please shut up."
0:29:04 > 0:29:07END OF ROUND BUZZER
0:29:12 > 0:29:16The final scores are that we knew that Phill's erstwhile team,
0:29:16 > 0:29:21now Noel's team, with the lovely Eliza and Charlie Higson had nine points.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24And at the end of that, Noel's old team,
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Phill's new team, have 11 points.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Thanks to Noel, Eliza and Charlie, Phill, Jedward and Katy.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks,
0:29:41 > 0:29:43and I'll leave you with this thought.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46No, that's what Stephen Fry does. Now, there's a show I DO watch. Good night.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:52 > 0:29:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk