0:00:02 > 0:00:09THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE
0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:55Now, unfortunately there has been a small change of plan.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Shakira won't come out because
0:00:57 > 0:01:01it's too windy, but the producers have tried to find someone
0:01:01 > 0:01:06who is vaguely similar and also nearby.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11I am the 1990 East Leinster Under-14s Triple-Jump bronze medallist.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16My name is David O'Doherty, let's Never-Mind some Buzzcocks.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20On Noel's team tonight...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22# Normally I try to run... #
0:01:22 > 0:01:25..I don't like this guest, I love him a million per cent.
0:01:25 > 0:01:31It's skinny-jeans-wearing, buttoned-up-to-the-top pop merchant Olly Murs.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41He's a man who knows his music. If it wasn't for him,
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Hamfatter would probably be anonymous today.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47It's gazillionaire pop Dragon Peter Jones.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53And on Phil's team tonight...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- # Spice up your life - Every boy and every girl... #
0:01:55 > 0:01:59..she used to be scary, now she's bloody terrifying, and may God
0:01:59 > 0:02:04have mercy on our souls, it's scary Northern loudmouth Melanie Brown.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13It's him off BBC sitcom Him & Her
0:02:13 > 0:02:16except he doesn't play him or her, he plays the beardy one.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19It's the beardy one off Him & Her, Joe Wilkinson.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29OK, everyone, now let us be still like resting jaguars
0:02:29 > 0:02:31in the Colombian rainforest.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Before we go on, I should explain that a lot of this script
0:02:34 > 0:02:37has been written specifically for Shakira,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40but I'm just going to try and get through it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Now we signal the start of the show in the age-old
0:02:43 > 0:02:48traditional way in which all pop panel shows in Colombia begin,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50with the mystical sound of the panpipes.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54RECORDING PLAYS
0:03:00 > 0:03:03We begin with Want To Be Starting Something.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Noel, Peter and Olly, take a look at this.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08# I came so close You touch my body... #
0:03:08 > 0:03:12So he cheekily got caught snorting miaow-miaow and he cheekily
0:03:12 > 0:03:16sent abusive and threatening texts to that woman
0:03:16 > 0:03:19and then playfully ditched his pregnant girlfriend - ow!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22But it was all done with a hop skip and a jump,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25and a twinkle in his eye, it's cheeky chappie Dappy.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28# Baby, I need you... #
0:03:29 > 0:03:37That was N-Dubz with I Need You, but how did rapper Dappy get himself into trouble at Alton Towers?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41What did you call N-Dubz there, that was quite lovely?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44They were asking me about this guy and I've never
0:03:44 > 0:03:49heard of him so I said how do you pronounce it, and I saw it on the sheet and I said, "Is that N-Doobs?"
0:03:51 > 0:03:53My granny used to call them Boyz One.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Olly, have you been watching X Factor?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I have been watching it, yeah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04What did you do in the house? What did you do?
0:04:04 > 0:04:11Sleep. Rehearse. Try and look after the Jedward twins.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Argh...
0:04:15 > 0:04:21- None of that went on, no. - Man, if I'd been there...
0:04:21 > 0:04:22I just don't know
0:04:22 > 0:04:25if I've got the right vibe for that.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Panpipe.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Yeah, yeah.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30ATONAL BREATHY SOUND
0:04:30 > 0:04:33RECORDING PLAYS
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Thank you.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42I used to get felt-tips and Sellotape them together and pretend they were panpipes.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Only about two days ago.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Dragon's Den?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Panpipes you can draw with.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Look, you can do in 19 drawings at the same time!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Oh, God.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58That's not the response I was looking for.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I mean, if you're looking for big ideas...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06This is just a hat
0:05:06 > 0:05:10with a whiteboard on it, it's called a whiteboard hat.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Say you're just trying to think of ideas and just keep it down on it.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17You need to wipe them off, you know what I mean?
0:05:17 > 0:05:22You can write whatever like... £80,000 for 10% over five years.
0:05:22 > 0:05:28I'll invest half if Peter would use your expertise
0:05:28 > 0:05:31to facilitate the idea further,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I am prepared to put 25 grand in.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Unbelievable.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Is he being serious?
0:05:38 > 0:05:43Let me just be clear what the idea is, it's a whiteboard on a hat.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45It sells itself. You don't need to say anything else.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Who do you think would buy it?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Well, there's only one of it at the moment,
0:05:50 > 0:05:54so what I'm proposing is we could just lend it round to anyone who was interested in it.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Peter, in Dragon's Den there was Hamfatter,
0:05:58 > 0:06:03the band that you threw some cash at. What's going on there?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I'm still working on that one.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11Hamfatter is a bit of an odd name, isn't it? I think I could come up with a better name in...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13four seconds.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Do you want to put this to the test?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- ..two, three...- The Mothpopes.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27How did Dappy land himself in trouble at Alton Towers, please?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- I assume that he did something quite naughty.- What do you mean?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Well, I'm not saying spitting or anything quite as bad as that.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Not quite as naughty as that.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- He might have been rude to an attendant.- I know what it is.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Do you?- Yes.- Shush.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44What does he sing?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47# Number one I don't understand... #
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I love that one.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52They're cool, they're really cool.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57You've got to be out of your fucking mind.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58I like their style.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Anyone into N-Dubz over here?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I've no idea, and I don't care.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12See about breaking it down, then, fighting...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Fighting.- Drugs.- Spitting.- Spitting. - But I know what it is, guys!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Scratching.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19He scratched somebody.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Really badly.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23And he asked for his money back.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27They said, "We're not paying your money back, N-Doob," so he knocked somebody out,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- and that was it.- N-Doob!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33OK, I think that he went on the rollercoaster,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36the upside-down one, he had loads of coins in his pocket,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38a pound coin fell out and paralysed a duck.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44That is the correct ans... No.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Now, Olly seems to have some idea of what...
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Really? What do you reckon?
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Allegedly, he smoked some cannabis and then got chucked out.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Oh, you're in trouble, he's going to get you.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59That is 100% correct.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Yay, whoo!
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Dappy was thrown out of Alton Towers Hotel on suspicion of
0:08:08 > 0:08:13smoking cannabis, after other guests complained of a funny smell coming
0:08:13 > 0:08:16from his room. I love Alton Towers. What's
0:08:16 > 0:08:20that rollercoaster where you go up really fast suddenly
0:08:20 > 0:08:22and then you come all the way back down again?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Oh, yes, it's the X Factor.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Phil, Mel and Joe, have a look at this.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- # Who's got a big red cherry nose? - Santa's got a big red cherry nose... #
0:08:34 > 0:08:36He's got the face of a pickled nut-sack and the voice
0:08:36 > 0:08:40of a gurgling Jacuzzi - it's broken-down genius Bob Dylan.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43# That's right, must be Santa
0:08:43 > 0:08:44# Must be Santa
0:08:44 > 0:08:48# Must be Santa, Santa Claus... #
0:08:52 > 0:08:58That was Bob Dylan with Must Be Santa, but how has a Portaloo landed him in trouble?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00A Portaloo and Dylan?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Who sounds like he's in a Portaloo most of the time.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Neeeeeh. Eehhhrr!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Phwoar!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14That's funny!
0:09:14 > 0:09:18He's a notorious non-flusher.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21It's not that far off.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25He's coming out, he sees you, he goes, "I'd give it five minutes."
0:09:25 > 0:09:29If you go in and you see Dylan's, you know...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- Leavings?- Yes.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34..would you...
0:09:39 > 0:09:43I wouldn't... I personally wouldn't photograph just anyone's,
0:09:43 > 0:09:47but Dylan's and Mur's.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Isn't there a website called ratemypoo.com or something?
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- Yes, there is.- Called what? Rape My Poo?- Rate My Poo.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Get off this quiz!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Dirty boy!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- I just said I heard. - Oh, you heard.- I heard.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Yes, like you "heard" about the magazines in the bushes.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- So how did a Portaloo get him into trouble?- Come on, B.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- He probably had workers there. - Workers where? - I did the same thing recently.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22You've done the same thing recently?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Builders, you know when you're...
0:10:24 > 0:10:26How do say that word? Revenovating.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Revenovating?- How do you say it?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Renovating.- Renovating your house.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35So I did that in part of my house and I didn't want all the 20 workers pooing in my loo.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Why not?- They take turns, they don't all go at once!
0:10:39 > 0:10:44I got a Portaloo so that the 20 builders could poo in the Portaloo.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46That's what I think happened.
0:10:46 > 0:10:52He inspired the ire of his neighbours by having a Portaloo on the Dylan property.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54You are correct.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55See?!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Bob Dylan's neighbours have complained to the council
0:11:03 > 0:11:06over the stench coming from a Portaloo on his property.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09One even set up industrial fans to blow the smell back at him.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12It seems strange that he's got an outside toilet,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14but then Mel B is from Leeds,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17so she was 32 before she had an indoor shit.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- What does that mean?- I don't know, these are for Shakira.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29OK, some of my happiest memories with Papa Shakira back home in the village
0:11:29 > 0:11:34and when the locals were divided into teams and crudely interpret the beginning of pop songs.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Let me now transport you back to that happy time
0:11:37 > 0:11:43as we play the Intros round, or Los Introduciones Redondos.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48RECORDING PLAYS
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Noel and Ollie, here are yours for Peter.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58OK, are you ready for this?
0:11:58 > 0:12:05When I asked you if you like music, you suggested Celine Dion earlier on, so I was a little terrified.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08You can beatbox, can't you, Olly?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- I can do a bit of beatboxing. - Are you going to beatbox on your new album?- No.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I think you're missing a trick there.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16What's beatbox?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Don't tell him, sell it to him.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28You've really put me on the spot.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Dragon's Den. I'll be Bannantyne or whatever is called, the grumpy Scots one.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35How much money do you...?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- Come on!- Do you really want me to beatbox?
0:12:42 > 0:12:47- Yes.- All right, this is my rendition of Billie Jean, Michael Jackson.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- All right?- All right.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52HE MIMICS THE DRUMS AND CYMBALS
0:12:52 > 0:12:56HE ADDS IN THE BASS LINE
0:13:00 > 0:13:05HE BRINGS IN THE MELODY
0:13:05 > 0:13:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I'm in.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19Yeah, they're clapping now, ratemypoo.com.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Dirty boy!
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- That was brilliant.- Is that the one?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27No.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30That one's Billie Jean.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34One, two... You do it, go on.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Four, three, two, one.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38OLLY BEATBOXES DRUMS AND CYMBALS
0:13:38 > 0:13:42SINGING BASS LINE: # Doo-doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo
0:13:42 > 0:13:44# Doo-doo-doo-doo...
0:13:45 > 0:13:49MORE MELODICALLY: # Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo
0:13:49 > 0:13:51# Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo. #
0:13:51 > 0:13:53You got any ideas?
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Yes, I have. I've got a feeling it's...
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I Walk The Line by Johnny Cash.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Yes!
0:14:03 > 0:14:08That'll do. Absolutely, and here is how it should have sounded.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12That's very good.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16MUSIC: I Walk The Line by Johnny Cash
0:14:16 > 0:14:18HE MIMICS DRUM BEAT
0:14:21 > 0:14:23# I keep a close watch... #
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Do the next bloody song.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- Do you know this one? - Yes, I do.- Let's hear it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Right. One, two, three, four.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34# Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum Dabuh-dabuh, dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum
0:14:34 > 0:14:39BOTH: # Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da
0:14:39 > 0:14:40# Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da
0:14:40 > 0:14:42# Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum... #
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Don't do the hands thing, it puts him off. It's like something from the 1930s.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48# Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-da-da... #
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- I know this.- Ooh!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I just don't know what it's called.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59The band's name is two ladies and...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01AUDIENCE GROANS
0:15:01 > 0:15:03What?! ..and something they do.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Oh, my God!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Something that two women do. - Yes, something that they do.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12When they like each other.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- That's a good clue.- That is a really good clue if you're a lesbian.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19You weren't a lesbian in the Spice Girls, were you?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Maybe a little bit.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27IN NORTHERN ACCENT: Whose turn is it to be a lesbian today?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29What about a rota, like washing-up?
0:15:29 > 0:15:35We're going to have to send it across, you guys, because the sun's starting to come up.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40- Well, the name of the band in your lady-reference is Scissor Sisters. - That is correct.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Is it Laura? - That is 100% correct
0:15:43 > 0:15:46and this is how it should have sounded.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51MUSIC: Laura by Scissor Sisters
0:15:51 > 0:15:55# Daduh-daduh-daduh da-da-da
0:15:55 > 0:15:58# Dabuh-dabuh-dabuh da-boo-boo... #
0:16:02 > 0:16:05# Laura, can't you give me... #
0:16:05 > 0:16:07That was the Scissor Sisters with Laura.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11The Scissor Sisters are named after a sexual position.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Interestingly, Dragon's Den is also one of Peter's favourite sexual positions.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19You go in 15%, but only if Theo will come in with you.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28You also heard Walk The Line by Johnny Cash.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33The Jonas Brothers recently announced that they are recording an album of Johnny Cash covers.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38They plan to mark the release by completing the job and actually pissing on his grave.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45That's brilliant, that won't go in, though.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I'd say you're pretty... Ooh!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49CLATTERING
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It's fine, everyone.
0:16:55 > 0:17:01That's called a cup-and-down, and it's an idea I had for,
0:17:01 > 0:17:07say you're slightly clumsy with tea and whatnot, just straight back to you.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Just a pretty good idea, I think.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- What do you think of it? - That's stupid, isn't it?
0:17:13 > 0:17:18It's a comedy show, Peter. I'm not really trying to pitch you real inventions!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- I like that, can I keep that? - Yeah. I'll give it to you.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Now I'll take it back!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Phil and Mel, here are yours for Joe.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- OK?- Yeah.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39You're going to count in.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42You're quite bossy, aren't you?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45One, two, three, four.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- # Bring... - Bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum-bum
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- # Ding... - Da-na-now-now-now-now
0:17:50 > 0:17:55- # Boom-cckk, boom-cckk... - No-no-no-no-no Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- # Boom-cckk, boom-cckk... - Do-do-do do-do-do Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- # Boom-cckk, boom-cckk... - Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do
0:18:00 > 0:18:03# Boom-cckk! #
0:18:06 > 0:18:11- It's good.- Is that good?- Yeah, that is pretty good, yes.- Ah, shit.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Is it clue time?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- They're a band.- Oh, hello.
0:18:18 > 0:18:24And the song title is just numbers.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Is it the Strokes song?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Whoa! What's it called?
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Is it my pin number?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I don't know your pin number.
0:18:33 > 0:18:355454.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- No.- To genuinely is. I wish I hadn't done that.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I'm really muggable as well.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49It is not, it's 12:51 by The Strokes and this is how it should have sounded.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53MUSIC: 12:51 by The Strokes
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- That was very good.- Yeah.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58See, we're good!
0:18:58 > 0:19:0012:51.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I got confused between numbers and time.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Let's have another intro, please.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14One, two, three, four.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18# Un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh Buh-un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh
0:19:18 > 0:19:21# Un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh Buh-un-guh un-guh un-guh, bshh...
0:19:21 > 0:19:25# Na-na-na-na na-nin-nin-nin Na-na-na-na na-nin-nin-nin
0:19:25 > 0:19:27# Wumbah-umbah-umbah
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- # Wumbah-umbah-umbah - Na-na-na-na na-nin-nin-nin. #
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Come on!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I feel like a headmaster interceding between an argument
0:19:34 > 0:19:39between a very stroppy mother and a really unhappy geography teacher.
0:19:39 > 0:19:46- Not even a clue, sorry.- A clue would be, not me, but the person who was supposed to be doing this.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- You've just told him! - So I take it it is Shakira song?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- Correct.- Well...it's all up here.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- What does Shakira sing about? Nature.- A peregrine falcon.
0:19:56 > 0:20:02Wrong. That was She Wolf by Shakira, and this is how it should have sounded.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- See how good it was? - Yeah, that was brilliant.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18We also heard The Strokes with 12:51.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Incidentally, that's how much a signed Hamfatter album
0:20:21 > 0:20:26would cost, assuming, of course, they throw in a free £12.50.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I tell you what, I'm bringing this band back now.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36I'm sure they will be in the line-up soon enough.
0:20:36 > 0:20:42At the end of that round, the scores are Noel on two points,
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Phil also on two points.
0:20:53 > 0:20:59I remember back in Colombia, Papa Shakira would supplement his income appearing in
0:20:59 > 0:21:03police line-ups alongside dangerous drug barons and political kidnappers.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08Let me now transport you back to that happy time as we play the Identity Parade.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12RECORDING PLAYS
0:21:15 > 0:21:23Noel, Peter, and Olly, how about some Scottish indie pop? For the audience only, here is Bis.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26# Sugar, sugar, kandy pop Push it down and pull it up
0:21:26 > 0:21:29# Sugar, sugar, kandy pop Just don't let the music stop
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# Oh, oh, oh
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- # Kandy pop! - Oh, oh, oh
0:21:34 > 0:21:35# Kandy pop!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- # Oh, oh, oh - Kandy pop!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- # Oh, oh, oh - Kandy pop! #
0:21:42 > 0:21:47That was Bis with Kandy Pop, but which one of our line-up is singer Manda Rin?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Is it number one, Mandarin,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52number two, Manda Holden,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56number three, Manda Lifeboat, Skipper,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59number four, Manda Write These Crappy Jokes,
0:21:59 > 0:22:04or number five Man, Dats A Handy Whiteboard Hat?
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Noel's team, any ideas?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Number four is wearing a different colour dress, maybe it's her.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14All right, Columbo?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20MIMICKING COLUMBO: Ma'am, when you came in to the line-up, ma'am,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- you had a red dress on, ma'am. No, it's...- She's changed it.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27She's also the only one standing with her feet properly.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- That's how you should really stand if you're lady. - When was Manda Rin around?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33AUDIENCE GASPS
0:22:33 > 0:22:36We're not saying the other four aren't ladies, I can
0:22:36 > 0:22:39tell you're not guys dressed up, but...
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Oh, no...
0:22:42 > 0:22:47Peter, what was the shittest job you have ever had?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- The worst job?- Yeah, well that's what I meant, shittest.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54It's a turn of phrase we have in Ireland meaning worst.
0:22:54 > 0:23:01- Probably doing door work and having all the abuse.- You were a bouncer?!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- Are you handy in a fight?- Yes. - You can breathe fire, right?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I can breathe fire.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09What's the worst job you ever had?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Mel, have you ever had a horrific job?
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Not really. I've worked at Pizza Hut but I enjoyed that, lovely pizza.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Is that after or before the Spice Girls?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:27So who do you reckon it is?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Number two.- I'd say three.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Fielding, what's your final answer?
0:23:32 > 0:23:38Two. Let's find out, would the real Manda Rin please step forward?
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Now, performing and recording as a solo artist, Manda Rin, ladies and gentlemen.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Phil, Joel, and Mel, what about some home-grown heavy metal?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03For the audience only, here is Iron Maiden.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07# Women in uniform Sometimes they look so cold
0:24:07 > 0:24:12# Women in uniform But, ooh, they feel so warm
0:24:12 > 0:24:16# Women in uniform Women in uniform
0:24:16 > 0:24:20# Women in uniform Women in uniform. #
0:24:20 > 0:24:27That was Iron Maiden with Women In Uniform, but which of our line-up is guitarist Dennis Stratton?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Is it number one, Iron Maiden,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33number two, Fair Maiden,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36number three, Mer-Maiden,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39number four, Maid In Taiwan,
0:24:39 > 0:24:43or number five, Maid In A Laboratory?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I think number five is kind of quite cute.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49He's got abs, he's got that long hair that can swing around.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58I don't think number four was in Iron Maiden, I think he's just come out of a defrosted iceberg.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Any ideas who?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07PANPIPES
0:25:11 > 0:25:17That sound means it's time to play a game that has been specially prepared for me, Shakira.
0:25:18 > 0:25:24I famously once sang that my hips don't lie, but was I telling the truth?
0:25:24 > 0:25:30Let's find out now as we play My Hips Don't Lie - Or Do They?
0:25:39 > 0:25:45Underneath all of these flaps are facts about nature,
0:25:45 > 0:25:50a subject close to my tiny Colombian heart.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55All you have to do is tell me whether they're true or false.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Phil's team, you get the first pick.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- OK. Go on, Mel, pick a number. - Number two.- Number two.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I once sang the lyric, "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
0:26:05 > 0:26:07"so you don't confuse them with mountains."
0:26:07 > 0:26:14But true or false, the Colombian mountain lion is the only other animal that celebrates birthdays?
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- I'll have to hurry you. - Go on, go false, David.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Yes, of course it's false!
0:26:25 > 0:26:28They do celebrate Pancake Day, though.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Pick a number.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Can I have the third flap?
0:26:34 > 0:26:39I once had a smash hit with the pop song Underneath My Clothes.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Underneath my clothes, I am a human female...
0:26:43 > 0:26:49but if I was a male whale, my wanger would be called a dork,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- true or false?- True.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53That is bloody true.
0:26:59 > 0:27:05- Who bloody used to be in Iron Maiden?- It's two or three, go with two.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Let us find out. Would the real Dennis Stratton please step forward?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- It's three, it's three.- It's two.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- Ah!- Ah!
0:27:13 > 0:27:18Now touring in the UK and Europe, Dennis Stratton, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32When I was an even littler girl, Papa Shakira taught me one thing -
0:27:32 > 0:27:36one line of a pop song should always be followed by another line.
0:27:36 > 0:27:42Join me now as I transport you back to that happy time as we play the Next Lines.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Phil's team, you are up first.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49What have I done to you...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49..lately.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51No.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Very embarrassing - to make you sex a lot.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Melanie Brown featuring Missy Elliott, I Want You Back.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Oh, fuck!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I should have known that!
0:28:03 > 0:28:08There's a she-wolf in your closet...
0:28:06 > 0:28:08..keep it away from your knickers.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Let it out so it can breathe.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Shakira, She Wolf.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Hey, Joe...
0:28:12 > 0:28:15..where are you going with that gun in your hand?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Correct, Jimi Hendrix, Hey Joe.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Hey, man, lose that frown...
0:28:19 > 0:28:22get yourself a cup-and-down.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Don't be a twat...
0:28:27 > 0:28:29get yourself a whiteboard hat.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Noel's team, you now need three correct answers to win.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Let's have a bit of fun, you guys, don't take it too seriously, Peter.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Puff the Magic Dragon...
0:28:48 > 0:28:49..lived by the sea.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Correct. Peter, Paul and Mary.
0:28:51 > 0:28:56A bloody mess of broken dreams is lying scattered on the floor...
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- Oh, that's Hamfatter.- Yes, it is!
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Is this the way we are going to be...
0:29:05 > 0:29:07can I have £1 million to develop my whiteboard hat?
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Well, that's been a bit of fun. The results of tonight's proceedings
0:29:22 > 0:29:28are Phil's team have seven points, Noel's team have seven points also.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30APPLAUSE
0:29:30 > 0:29:34It's a tie. Thank you to Noel, Olly, and Peter,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Phil, Joe, and Mel.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I've been Shakira. Goodnight.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:56 > 0:30:02E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk