0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hello, and welcome to the show. I'm Tim Minchin.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35As a comedian who plays music,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37you'd think I'd be the perfect host on Buzzcocks,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39but I've realised all you need to do
0:00:39 > 0:00:41is wear mascara and read an Autocue.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Sadly, I never learned to red.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47On Phil's team tonight...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51This show has been accused of booking guests
0:00:51 > 0:00:53merely as targets for jokes.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I thought I'd make it a target-free show until I heard this guy was on.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Front man for Roll Deep, our target for the week, DJ Target.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:04 > 0:01:09# Everybody wants to rule the world... #
0:01:09 > 0:01:13He's not here to talk about the past or hark back to former glories.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17He's far too busy promoting his new album of '80s covers.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's Jason Donovan!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:22 > 0:01:25# So glad we've almost made it... #
0:01:25 > 0:01:26And on Noel's team...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28# And now we're through... #
0:01:28 > 0:01:30She's a kooky singer-songwriter,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33famed for her kooky style and kooky charm.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Here to provide kookiness,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38lead kook from The Kooks, it's Paloma Faith.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:46 > 0:01:48There's a little-known law of physics
0:01:48 > 0:01:51that if you book one obscure poetical comedian called Tim,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54you have to book a second to ensure you don't open up a wormhole
0:01:54 > 0:01:57and suck your panel show into another dimension.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Please welcome the safety Tim, poet and genius Tim Key.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:08 > 0:02:10So, we begin with Guess Who.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Phil, Target and Jason, look at this.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17# I'll be your sexual freak of the week... #
0:02:17 > 0:02:19A man who paid a high price
0:02:19 > 0:02:24when his three passions - cannabis, driving and amateur photography - collided,
0:02:24 > 0:02:28he's Britain's highest-charting stunt driver, George Michael.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32# I'm bringing sexy back... #
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Yeah, yeah, Timberlake,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36you can be a heartthrob, pop star, dancer and actor.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39But until you've starred in an Iceland commercial,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42you'll only every be a poor man's Jason Donovan.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45It's Justin Timberlake.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49That was Justin Timberlake with Sexy Back
0:02:49 > 0:02:52and George Michael with Freeek.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57But whose music proved successful in encouraging sharks to mate?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Aren't sharks enough bother already without them being horny as well?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06They'll bite your leg off,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09and the last thing you want is them having a little fiddle as well.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14More people get killed by bees every year than sharks.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16But sharks have the statistical advantage
0:03:16 > 0:03:19of not being where we are nearly all the time.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- We eat shark in Australia. As you'd know, Tim.- Yeah.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Fish and chips is primarily made of it, rather than cod.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33It's called "flake" in Australia.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Is flake shark? - Flake is shark, yeah.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- What does it taste like? - It tastes like shark.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- That's amazing! - It's quite tough.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Chicken. Everything tastes like chicken.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47To sharks.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Except for After Eights.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Which taste like mint chicken.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59I hope the Colonel's not watching. He'll think, "Ooh, there's a trick I've missed!"
0:03:59 > 0:04:04Can I ask Phil, did you use to look like George Michael in that video?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08He doesn't look dissimilar to you in that red...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I think you'll find I look like him right now.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14What, in jail?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Worried, and a bit puzzled.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Do this for me.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21That's him. That's the fella.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I can imagine him in the shower room
0:04:23 > 0:04:28and a shark coming up to him going, "I think you've dropped your soap."
0:04:28 > 0:04:30You'd better hope it's a dolphin,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34so it can stick the soap in the blowhole and make a getaway.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Ah, soapy blowholes! Anyway...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I know it's your first time hosting,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44but one of the things you must do is steer it away from shark rape.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- As and when it comes up. - Just let me write that down. No...
0:04:49 > 0:04:51No shark rape.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53So, Timberlake, Sexy Back.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- Has he got a sexy back? - He's got a hairy back.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- We might call our album that. - What, Hairy Back?- Hairy Back.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Why did you call yourself Target?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- It's a terrible idea, coming on the show.- It is.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11- Was DJ Victim taken?- Somebody phoned and said, "Victim is taken. You have to think of another name."
0:05:11 > 0:05:16- Does anyone know your songs? - Hopefully.- Any good?- They are. - Why are you so crap, Target?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- Sorry. He's a target. - TWANG!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Can I get one of those?- Nope.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29It's weird because it doesn't necessarily work...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- No. Oh, dear me. - TWANG!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- Ah! There you go. - Absolute nightmare.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37You're in a terrible position, Target.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- I want to hear an answer. - Got to definitely go with... - George Michael.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46- George Michael makes sharks hornier than Justin Timberlake?- Yes.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48You are wrong.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Research by Sea Life in Germany
0:05:50 > 0:05:52shows that sharks are more likely to mate
0:05:52 > 0:05:55when they hear the music of Justin Timberlake.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58This was sold as research to encourage shark reproduction,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02but we all know this is another example of Germany's obsession with exotic pornography.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I've not seen the video Two Sharks, One Hook.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11But we all love milf.com - you know, "manatees I'd like to fin".
0:06:13 > 0:06:18Noel, Paloma and Tim, take a look at this.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21# Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin' alive, stayin' alive... #
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Things are hotting up for this band.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24They're down to the last two,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27though Maurice will probably struggle with the live shows.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29It's the Bee Gees.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32# For some reason I can't explain... #
0:06:32 > 0:06:35A band who have the temerity to be popular.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37How dare you aspire to greater things
0:06:37 > 0:06:38when there's a spiteful pop quiz
0:06:38 > 0:06:41that wants to relentlessly take the piss out of you?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's Noseplay - I mean Coldplay.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48That was Coldplay with Viva La Vida,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50and the Bee Gees with Staying Alive.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54But whose music is used by doctors to help them revive patients?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56The Bee Gees or Coldplay?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00They should probably try other methods first.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I'm slightly concerned
0:07:04 > 0:07:09about the fact that the Bee Gees are saying "staying alive".
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- Is that supposed to be... - Ironic? Yeah.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17I think doctors find that, if they really annoy their patients with their sarcasm,
0:07:17 > 0:07:19they tend to wake up.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21But what if it doesn't work,
0:07:21 > 0:07:26and then they know that they've played Staying Alive all in vain?
0:07:27 > 0:07:32I don't know that. I do know I've got a present for you under my hat.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- And it's some plastic spiders.- Yay!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36We don't have enough mascots on this show
0:07:36 > 0:07:38so I thought we could all have one.
0:07:38 > 0:07:43- I would like to give you a present. - Don't you think Noel and Paloma are just so cute?
0:07:43 > 0:07:48- Hang on a minute! - Just as a couple, I mean.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50This is just to prompt your memories. Hit it.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54KYLIE: # I wanna show you
0:07:54 > 0:07:56# My heart is oh so true
0:07:56 > 0:08:02# And all the love I have is especially for you... #
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- I've got a present for Noel. - You've got a present for Noel?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Is it a sort of sharky present?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16It's a fry-up on a ring.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Of course it is! - So with this ring, I thee wed.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26Holy shit! It's like Jason and Kylie all over again!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Since the last show, I've basically...
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Noel doesn't know this but I've been sat in a tree in his garden
0:08:34 > 0:08:37since the last show.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38I was wondering who that was.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41And I've been filming everything he does.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I just want to ask, the hat, how is it secured?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Is it like a pin underneath,
0:08:49 > 0:08:53or has someone hit the peg in with a hammer?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- With a hammer. - It's one of Tim's arrows.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Oh, no! - TWANG!
0:09:02 > 0:09:06I think this is a good time to bring out my clue.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Do you want me to be mean about Coldplay like I always am?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I don't know about that.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Chris Martin's a Scientologist. - Is he?- No.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Get yourself out of that one!
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Actually, that would turn me, but I still wouldn't hate their music.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- Have you got a joke, Tim? - Yeah, I think I might have.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34I don't know whether Coldplay could revive someone from...
0:09:34 > 0:09:38if they were almost going to die, but...
0:09:38 > 0:09:39but...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41but certainly, in some situations,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45it might help if you have a cold play Coldplay.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48That's just Coldplay word play. It's bad.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I genuinely thought I had a joke.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:55 > 0:09:59If I was dying, though, and I woke up and Coldplay was playing,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I would kill myself.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06- You're angry about Coldplay. - All right, Columbo! I know I am!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Who sold more records, you or Coldplay?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Definitely Coldplay.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Or Kylie Minogue? - Definitely Kylie Minogue.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Do you miss her, Jason? - Deeply. Yeah.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22- Are you still friendly? - Yeah, yeah. Very close. - Can we do a duet?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- Do you want to give her a call? - LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Do you really have Kylie's number?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Tell me honestly. - No, he doesn't. He's pretending.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33He's holding on to the past.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Let it go. You've got Kerry Katona.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I have, actually.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44What's happening?
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- What are these dummies made for? - Practising CPR.- Practising CPR.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54I think Bee Gees is too ironic, and I think CP stands for Coldplay.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- Coldplay. - Coldplay.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- They have answered Coldplay. And your answer is... wrong.- No!
0:11:01 > 0:11:05The Bee Gees song, Staying Alive, has a similar number of beats per minute
0:11:05 > 0:11:08to the recommended pace of CPR,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11so has been used to train student doctors.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13OK, look. If you were a doctor
0:11:13 > 0:11:16who happened to be a little bit on the "love of disco" side,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18you might choose to go...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- FALSETTO:- # You can tell by the way I use my walk
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- # I'm a woman's man No time to... - HE EXHALES
0:11:23 > 0:11:25# Music loud and women warm... #
0:11:25 > 0:11:28You've got to be careful because you can get confused by...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31# Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin' alive
0:11:32 > 0:11:41# Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin' ali-i-i-ive
0:11:41 > 0:11:44# Stayin' alive! #
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Tim, that was beautiful.- Thank you.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53You've definitely won the nation's hearts.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01And at the end of that round, the scores are -
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Phil's team on 0 and Noel's team on 0.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Next up, it's the Intros round.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Phil and Target, these are yours for Jason Donovan.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And there's a bit of a departure from normal procedure.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23This is called an Idiot Australian Cabaret Musician card,
0:12:23 > 0:12:27which you can choose to play, Jason, at any time if you're stuck.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30You love it.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33One, two, three, four. Two, two, three, four.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35MIMICS ELECTRONIC NOTES
0:12:35 > 0:12:37TARGET JOINS IN
0:12:37 > 0:12:39# Mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41# Da-da rum bum bum bum bum bum bum ba-bum
0:12:41 > 0:12:43# Mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss
0:12:43 > 0:12:45# Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ba-bum
0:12:45 > 0:12:46- # Mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss mm-tss - It's good.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49# Ba-ba bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ba-bum... #
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Modern?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54No, it's actually a '30s classic(!)
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- The Saturdays?- No!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I'm going to play the card.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03ALL CHEER
0:13:08 > 0:13:11HE PLAYS MELLOW INTRODUCTION
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- JASON:- Wow. Coldplay?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19HE PLAYS MORE JAUNTILY
0:13:24 > 0:13:26PHIL HUMS ALONG
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Sing the words!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34# Around the world Around the world... #
0:13:34 > 0:13:39- Yes!- Say it out loud. - All Around The World!- Whoo!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# Around the world Around the world
0:13:43 > 0:13:45# Around the... #
0:13:45 > 0:13:49You are correct! Here is how it should have sounded.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53MUSIC: "Around The World" by Daft Punk
0:13:58 > 0:14:02# Around the world Around the world
0:14:02 > 0:14:05# Around the world Around the world... #
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Can I blow my nose? I've got a bit of a cold at the moment.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14Everyone...will think I'm back on the bizzo.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:21 > 0:14:22One, two, three, four.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26# Dink-a-dink dink, dink dink Dink-a-dink dink, naw naw naw
0:14:26 > 0:14:30# Dah dah dah-dah dah dah
0:14:30 > 0:14:34# Too many dreams can be broken in two... #
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Come on, play this, Tim.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Play this. - Oh, I don't know this song.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Jason knows this. You were less likely to hear it in Australia.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- It was never big in Australia. - No. We export this shit.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Well, what was the song, Jason? We haven't heard.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Too Many Broken Hearts - thank you very much - by myself.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59You are correct, Jason Donovan!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03And this is how it should have sounded.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07MUSIC: "Too Many Broken Hearts" by Jason Donovan
0:15:26 > 0:15:28You never did that. I'm sorry I left.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34We've only been married half an hour, you dick!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37To move straight in on my wife - what's wrong with you?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39You look like Pan, but that's not an excuse either,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42you stinking goat in a waistcoat.
0:15:43 > 0:15:49This is the only episode where I could imagine a full orgy happening in the green room after.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Donovan will be wearing Tim's cardi, my top hat
0:15:53 > 0:15:54and nothing else.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Not all trussed up like you, you nonce.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06So that was Jason Donovan with Too Many Broken Hearts.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Jason was invited back for the Neighbours 25th anniversary special
0:16:09 > 0:16:13but declined, saying his career had moved on since then.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14HE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Come on, Jason. We all know that for 100 quid, you'd have dressed up as Bouncer.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:24 > 0:16:27And we heard Daft Punk with Around The World.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31The song Around The World features the same lyric 143 times.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33It's even more repetitive than this sound.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- AS JASON: - Hello, Kylie? Please pick up.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39It's me again.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Just call? Please, just call?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Just call? Please, just call?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Noel and Paloma, here are your intros for Tim.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55And, Tim, this is your picture of my face in case you can't guess one
0:16:55 > 0:16:59and you want me to bugger it up on the piano.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- Adopt the position. - Ready?- Yeah.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04# Bom bom bom
0:17:04 > 0:17:07# Bom bom bom bom-ba-bom
0:17:07 > 0:17:08- # Brrring - # Bom bom bom
0:17:08 > 0:17:11# Bom bom bom bom-ba-bom
0:17:11 > 0:17:12- # Brrring - # Bom bom bom
0:17:12 > 0:17:14# Bom bom bom bom-ba-bom
0:17:14 > 0:17:18# Brrring Chink-chink chink chink chink chink
0:17:18 > 0:17:19# Chicka-chink Chicka-chink-chink-chink
0:17:19 > 0:17:22# Chicka-chicken-and-chick Chicka-chick, daw daw
0:17:22 > 0:17:24BOTH: # Chicken and chips Chicken and chips... #
0:17:24 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER
0:17:26 > 0:17:28# Chicken and chips, chicken and chips. #
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I don't know the answer to this one.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Can we throw it to the more knowledgeable team?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36You can throw it all you want. We've not got a scooby.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- No-one knows it. It's Talking Heads, "Psycho Killer".- Oh, God!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42And this is how it should have sounded.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44MUSIC: "Psycho Killer" by Talking Heads
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- I've heard that song. - Brrring!- No, it's coming.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Chicken and chips. Wait for chicken and chips.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56BOTH: # Chicken and chips Chicken and chips
0:17:56 > 0:17:58# Chicken and chips. #
0:17:58 > 0:18:00That's not chicken and chips. It's...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02HE CLUCKS IN RHYTHM
0:18:02 > 0:18:04# I can't seem to face up to the facts... #
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Who's that? Who's that?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Paloma and Noel. - Hi, Tim.- Hi.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Would you please do another introduction for Tim Key?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15If you don't get this, you're a tosser.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19One, two, three, four.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22# Dar dar dar dar dar Nar-nar nar nar
0:18:22 > 0:18:26# Dar dar dar dar dar Nar-nar nar nar
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- # Dar dar dar dar dar - # Ba-da-da ba-da, ba-da-da ba-da
0:18:30 > 0:18:34# Nar nar nar nar nar Nar-nar nar nar... #
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Yeah, yeah, all right. Yeah.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43This idea of getting me playing piano in a smoke machine has really worked well(!)
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- HE PLAYS - Beat It.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:56 > 0:19:00You're right, Tim Key. That was Beat It by Michael Jackson.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03This is how, ideally, it would have sounded.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05MUSIC: "Beat It" by Michael Jackson
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Wow!- It's exactly the same.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16HE HUMS ALONG TO INTRO
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- JACKSON:- # They told him don't you ever come around here
0:19:20 > 0:19:23# Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba... #
0:19:23 > 0:19:26So that was Michael Jackson with Beat It.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Unfortunately, our lawyers vetoed all the jokes we wrote about Michael Jackson,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33but have helpfully provided us with some of their own.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35So here we go.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Why did Michael Jackson like Coca-Cola?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Because he was the King of Pop.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44What is Michael Jackson's favourite type of film?
0:19:44 > 0:19:45A thriller.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51Why did Michael Jackson face a series of child molestation accusations?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Because they were falsely levelled at him
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and he was later found innocent in a court of law.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00And Psycho Killer by Talking Heads.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Talking Heads got their name from an old TV show.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Similarly, Roll Deep toyed with calling their band Deal Or No Deal.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11- Though, sadly for us, the record company opted for Deal. - SILENCE
0:20:11 > 0:20:13That was pretty poor.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- Tim...- Go on. - Give the bow and arrow to Target.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Tim... - TWANG!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Round Three is the Identity Parade.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Phil, Target and Jason, how about some naughty spun pop?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39For the audience only, here is Uniting Nations.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42# If I gave you my loving would you take it?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46# If I opened my heart would you turn the key?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50# Cos I knew from the start, baby, we could make it
0:20:50 > 0:20:54# We could make it together, you and me
0:20:54 > 0:20:56# Yeah, you and me
0:20:56 > 0:20:59# You and me... #
0:20:59 > 0:21:01That was Uniting Nations with You And Me.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04But which of our line-up is singer Craig Powell?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Is it number one, You And Me?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Number two, You And Me Have Got A Lot In Common?
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Number three, You And Me Could Have Been Amazing Together?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Number four, There Is No You And Me?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Or number five, You And Me - Outside - Right Now?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- It's number two or four. - Two or four?- Definitely.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Striking one completely out?
0:21:26 > 0:21:30He looks like he could've grown his hair since the band dismembered.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Dismembered?!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35What kind of band were you?!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Then it's number one if they were dismembering people!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Number five is Mayor of London.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Number three looks angry. - Yeah, because he works on the show.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- Maybe it is number three. - It's not. He works on the show.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59He used to work in Boots, the chemist.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Number one is wearing boots.
0:22:04 > 0:22:10He's one of those tricky people, the sort you see on the Tube,
0:22:10 > 0:22:15and you follow him a bit impishly thinking, "She might be nice."
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Number one, can you turn around and face the back, please?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27And then to have her turn around...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- That's a bad result.- Yes.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Four's very smiley and moving his legs a lot.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- And his hands.- Can't keep still.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37So why isn't it two, Donovan?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39You said two or four. Why isn't it two?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- It's got to be four. - But why is it two or four?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Because it's a pop...
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Because number three WORKS ON THE SHOW!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Number four. Let's say number four.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Would the real Craig Powell please step forward?
0:22:57 > 0:22:58- JASON:- Yay!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00APPLAUSE
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Now recording as a solo artist, Craig Powell, ladies and gentlemen.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08APPLAUSE
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Noel, Paloma and Tim, what about some angry young men from the '80s?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20For the audience only, here is Cockney Rejects.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- PUNK STYLE: - # I'm forever blowing bubbles
0:23:25 > 0:23:28# Pretty bubbles in the air
0:23:30 > 0:23:32# They fly so high
0:23:32 > 0:23:35# They nearly reach the sky
0:23:35 > 0:23:41# Then just like my dreams they fade and die... #
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Cockney Rejects with I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46But which of our line-up is bassist Vince Riordan?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Is it number one, Blowing Bubbles?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Number two, Blowing His Big Chance?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Number three, Blown Away By The Quality Of The Line-up?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Number four, Blowing His £80 Fee On Haribo And Special Brew?
0:23:59 > 0:24:04Or number five, Blow Me, It's The Bloke From Cockney Rejects?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Noel's team, have a stab.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10I like the third one. He looks like...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- COCKNEY ACCENT: - He's ready to have it!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17The problem is you've chosen five people I'd be scared to tease.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I might go over there and see which one smells of crab sticks.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26While you're going over there...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29He works for the Government
0:24:29 > 0:24:32and he's not allowed to disclose the location.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Oh, that's helped.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- Tim, that must have cleared it up for you, right?- Yeah, it's four.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Put your top hat on one.- OK.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45No.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Can you try it on number three, Noel?- Number three?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Wow.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Number three's got natural teeth.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04This is not going to work for you fashion-wise, but...
0:25:04 > 0:25:06That is brilliant!
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Seriously.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15I feel like Trinny and Susannah. I've completed your look.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Noel, we've narrowed it down to two of them.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Really?- We thought two or three, so we'll go for three.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26Let's find out. Would the real Vince Riordan please step forward?
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Oh!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29APPLAUSE
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Now working for the Government in an undisclosed location,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Vince Riordan, ladies and gentlemen.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:25:44 > 0:25:46So, we end with Next Lines.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Phil's team are in the lead, so you go first.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51"Check out the skirt on that."
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"Nuff short, straight to the bar, tequila, lemon salt."
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Oh, my God, you almost stuffed that up. Roll Deep, DJ Target.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"Too many broken hearts in the world."
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- "So I won't give up the fight for you."- That's not what I've got.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07"There's too many, dreams can be broken in two."
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I'll give you that, Jason. It's been a long time.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14"Now have you heard of my friend Dawn?"
0:26:14 > 0:26:16"She just nicked off with a bunch of prawns"?
0:26:16 > 0:26:20"She just slipped off with a platter of prawns." Close enough.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Jason Donovan and Coleen Nolan from the Iceland advertisement.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27"I should be so lucky."
0:26:27 > 0:26:30"Lucky lucky lucky."
0:26:30 > 0:26:33By the woman who rejected... Er, it's from Kylie Minogue.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Finish this one, please. "Hi. This is Kylie. Please leave a message."
0:26:42 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:45"So, what are you wearing?"
0:26:46 > 0:26:49BURST OF MUSIC
0:26:50 > 0:26:52APPLAUSE
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Noel's team, you need six points to win. Your time starts...
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Wait. I think we can do this but we need to be a bit more unified.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Capes on.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:15 > 0:27:17"Ah, ah, ah, ah."
0:27:17 > 0:27:19"Staying alive." The Bee Gees. Staying Alive.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20"Around the world."
0:27:20 > 0:27:24- "Around the world." - "Around the world." - "Around the world."
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- Eighteenth line? - ALL: "Around the world." - Daft Punk. Around The World.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- "Around the world"? - # Around the world, around the... #
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Daft Punk. Around The World.
0:27:33 > 0:27:38- "Around the world"? - ALL: "Around the world."
0:27:38 > 0:27:41This is like karaoke night at Guantanamo Bay!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"I counted to 100 and said, 'I'm coming!'
0:27:48 > 0:27:51"But it was a trick. And she had left me."
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Tim Key, poem 1,077.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56"Noel and Paloma sitting in a tree."
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
0:28:01 > 0:28:05APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:06 > 0:28:08And the final scores are...
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Noel's team on eight, Phil's team on seven!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Can you believe it?
0:28:13 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Thanks to Phil, Target and Jason,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Noel, Paloma and Tim.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30We're all off for an orgy in the green room in our pumpkin costumes.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33You can go do whatever you like. Thank you. Good night.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:03 > 0:29:05E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk