0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Lee Mack.
0:00:35 > 0:00:41Actually, it says "Return of the Mack", but I won't say that, cos I don't know what it means.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Oh well, here we go.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44On Noel's team tonight...
0:00:44 > 0:00:45# I like everybody... #
0:00:45 > 0:00:49The front man of the Hoosiers, who recently said he didn't want
0:00:49 > 0:00:51their second album to sound like their first.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We can all agree on that!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- It's Irwin Sparkes. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03We never normally book reality stars on this show,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06but every now and then, we find a diamond in the rough.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And then sometimes we're really stuck and have to book the rough.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12From Pineapple Dance Studios, it's Andrew Stone.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:17And on Phill's team tonight...
0:01:17 > 0:01:22a woman who proves that not winning the X Factor doesn't mean your career is over.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25So if you're watching this, Journey South, Candy Rain,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Tappy, Eoghan Quigg, Same Difference,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31the O'Connell Sisters, Dead Wife Guy and Singing Binman,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33don't give up the dream. It's Diana Vickers.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:36 > 0:01:38He's a comedian who suffers from OCD,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40so just to make you feel comfortable,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43I think you may have left the taps on back in your flat.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44It's Jon Richardson.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:51So, we begin with Don't You Know Who I Am?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Noel, Irwin and Andrew, take a look.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55# Every little thing that you say or do... #
0:01:55 > 0:01:58She's a pop sensation who constantly changes her image,
0:01:58 > 0:02:03though she now seems to have settled on orphan-snaffling, navvy-armed corpse. It's Madonna.
0:02:03 > 0:02:09# I'm fed up I'm tired of waiting on you Every little thing... #
0:02:09 > 0:02:13That was Madonna, with Hung Up. But what did she insist on during a recent flight?
0:02:13 > 0:02:18Was it that, A - she only be served food cooked by her personal, macro-biotic chef?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22B - that she have two kabala rabbis and a replica of the Ark of the Covenant on board?
0:02:22 > 0:02:28Or C - she got to do the safety demonstrations for the rest of the passengers? Noel's team...
0:02:28 > 0:02:32I was going to say she looks a bit like a mum, but my mum's in tonight, so that sounds weird.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Does she look like A mum or YOUR mum?
0:02:34 > 0:02:39- Just...mums in general. - I'm not attacking. You look really defensive. I'm on your side.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44What are you saying? That I fancy my own mum? That's weird!
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Stop it!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- I fancy your mum. - I know. You're a freak though.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- I like young ladies, but she's kind of doing it for me at 50.- Really?!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57I find someone who's that overtly sexual and has made a career
0:02:57 > 0:02:59out of being that provocative really odd,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01because I don't find her alluring.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- Really?- Would you prefer it if she wore grey trousers and had a moustache?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07It would be different.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- She got thrown off a horse, didn't she?- Yeah.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11What was she doing to it?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I think she said that paparazzi jumped out of a bush,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18photographed her, and the horse stood up to get his photo taken.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21She fell back into a bush and some wombles dragged her away.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26They built a castle out of her leg-warmers.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I actually once... I used to work with horses,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- and I led a horse down the road... - PHILL: Did it drink?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:40You know the horse's penis retracts, and when they have erections, they just come straight down and swing.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And it took out the wing mirror of a parked Ford Fiesta.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44It did, honestly.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48There is a phone call to the insurance I'd like to make!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52We just covered mums and horse cocks in, like, two minutes!
0:03:52 > 0:03:57- We just go straight in! - Andrew, it says here that you have danced with Madonna.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I haven't danced with Madonna, no.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Oh, sorry, it says you've danced TO Madonna.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- Have you danced with Madonna? - No. I've danced for Kylie.- Kylie.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Also with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16- Yeah.- But it's not just women. You've also danced with Tina Turner. - I've SUNG with...
0:04:16 > 0:04:17I've sung with Tina Turner.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Were you both pissed at karaoke?
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Were you singing with Tina before Starman or during...?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- Yeah, before I formed the group. - Before the group.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Does everybody know...Starman? - Starman, yes.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- New album out soon?- We're working on it - we've got a Christmas release.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- Is there a snowman in the video? - Do you want to be in it? - I'll be the snowman.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You would be the most terrifying snowman ever!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Standing at the back with an icy erection...
0:04:41 > 0:04:42"It's a carrot!"
0:04:42 > 0:04:45The kids will ask, "Is that a snowman?" Mum and Dad will say,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"No it's a crow that's turned to being a rent boy."
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- So, what was the answer? - Let's go with A.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Whoa, whoa - wait a second!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I'm the captain. Don't get all dancey on my ass!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I don't think the bloke on the Titanic ever said that.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- LONDON ACCENT: - "I'm the captain! Don't get all..."
0:05:04 > 0:05:08It's you, you make me go Cockney cos you're a northern greengrocer.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09You bring it out of me.
0:05:09 > 0:05:15Noel told me in 1998 that I look like a 1940s greengrocer.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17He did, honestly.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20When I think of you, you are holding aubergines.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28"I hope you've got enough coupons for these, Mrs Jackson. They're a very rare vegetable indeed."
0:05:28 > 0:05:32"No, we ain't got none of that chocolate. No, we ain't. No, we ain't."
0:05:32 > 0:05:35So, you think it's A and you think it's A, don't you?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Wait a second, I reckon it was the thing where she did the demonstration.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The safety demonstration for the rest of the passengers?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- She's a right show-off. - You really want that.
0:05:44 > 0:05:50I think she did a forward roll, got inside a sick bag and then passed out the sweets so your ears don't pop.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53There might be a slight legal issue with saying,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"Sit down, I'll do the safety bit, don't worry. I'd drive it too!"
0:05:56 > 0:05:59It would be the only time I would watch it though.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02No-one watches it, but if Madonna was doing it, I would.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04What would she wear?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08She'd have to wear the regulation uniform otherwise she wouldn't be taken seriously.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11People would go, "You'd better watch this."
0:06:11 > 0:06:15"Nah, it's only Madonna. She's not in the regulation uniform.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19"I'm just going to carry on throwing these tiddly-winks in the corner."
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- I've got a pun that the audience might hate.- Shit pun, coming up!
0:06:24 > 0:06:28So if Madonna did do the announcement, do you think she would do it on easyJet
0:06:28 > 0:06:30or...Like A Virgin?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Yes!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Have you decided on an answer?
0:06:40 > 0:06:45- Be more authoritative.- Who, me? - No, the bloke at the back, I've got a lazy eye(!)
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I'm like one of those liberal teachers -
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I let the kids do what they want, you know?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Yeah, we're saying A.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Er, that is the correct answer.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02APPLAUSE
0:07:06 > 0:07:10The answer is A. Madonna insisted on having her personal chef on board
0:07:10 > 0:07:13to prepare her a strictly macro-biotic meal.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15At one point, the chef asked her, "Mutton or lamb?"
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Though I think he already knew the answer.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21She booked a single ticket on the way out,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24but added a child's seat for the return,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26in case she fancied some retail therapy.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Phill, Diana and Jon, have a look at this.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Who said Last Of The Summer Wine was over?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37It's Compo, Cleggy, Foggy and Mick Jagger.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42Those crematorium-shunning national treasures otherwise known as the Rolling Stones.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44# The phone kept ringing
0:07:47 > 0:07:51# And we made sweet love... #
0:07:54 > 0:07:57That was the Rolling Stones with Rain Fall Down, and your question -
0:07:57 > 0:08:00what do they insist on, wherever they play?
0:08:00 > 0:08:05Is it, A - nothing in the band buffet contains anything, quote, "Bigger than a snooker ball"?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09B - they refuse to play in a venue if a circus has been there before them?
0:08:09 > 0:08:16Or C - at 10am GMT, the crew and the band must sit down together and watch Homes Under The Hammer?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- LAUGHTER - Phill's team.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23IMITATING MICK JAGGER: "That house is never worth that, man. No way that house is worth that!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25"Guy's mental."
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- Never seen it, it's wasted on me. - I've never seen it either.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Ten minutes of entertainment, crammed into an hour.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38So, nothing bigger than a snooker ball in the buffet?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41So it could be touch-and-go with a Scotch egg.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Unless you mush it.- Mush it? - Mush it up.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48I'm actually becoming vaguely aroused by Diana's idea
0:08:48 > 0:08:51of the Scotch egg smoothie. Tell me more.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Well, you know... I mean...
0:08:52 > 0:08:58- Put a Scotch egg in a blender... - Yeah.- ..add some milk and... - Bada-bing, bada-boom.- I'm in.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59- I'm in.- See?
0:08:59 > 0:09:04- Do you have anything that you ask for?- I do - I like chocolate, I like a kettle.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "Nothing smaller than a football?"- No!
0:09:07 > 0:09:12Sorry, but could we just have a look at Diana's mic, cos it's making her sound very northern.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:17It needs to be turned down - the northern thing.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Diana, can I just ask you a question?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23You are a beautiful woman, talented actress, brilliant musician...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Do you think God gave you that accent just to balance it up a bit?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I know! I do!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I know, I know. It is a shame, isn't it?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37You can tell you've been in London for a while -
0:09:37 > 0:09:41you're acting everything out cos no-one can understand you!
0:09:41 > 0:09:42I feel a need to defend the north.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I feel I should chip in and say, "Well, I've read a Dostoyevsky."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Please don't.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51You had to do it in a southern accent then in case you got your head kicked in.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54So, Diana, have you been watching the X Factor?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- Briefly, yes.- Who beat you in your year?- Alexandra Burke.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Oh, he's good(!)
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I follow popular culture. ..You came second?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08No, I didn't, no. Then JLS. And then Eoghan Quigg.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13- Eoghan Quigg.- Yeah, and then... - Weren't you dating him? - No. We were very good friends.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Oh yeah. So you were dating him, yeah?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I know this might sound immature, but did you do that?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:26- Is that too immature?- Do you think you could put a burger in the blender as well and do a burger smoothie?
0:10:26 > 0:10:30I tell you what's great. Pot Noodle sandwich, have you ever had that?
0:10:30 > 0:10:37- Yeah, amazing.- You drain out all the liquid, you put it on white bread, you fold it over. The best.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40As you well know, because we lived together.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45I remember how much of a heathen I was - we were in the kitchen and I said, "Is this jazz?"
0:10:45 > 0:10:47And you said, "It's classical music, Lee."
0:10:50 > 0:10:54You did say to me music ended for you after, what was it, Spandau Ballet?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57You went, "It's never going to get any better than that."
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- LAUGHTER - You think that's funny, do you?
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- # Thank you for coming home I'm sorry that... #- Stop!- Come on!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10So, what's your answer, please?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Maybe if they've already had dinner,
0:11:12 > 0:11:17they don't want to be tempted by anything bigger than a snooker ball before they go on stage.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19They might get really bloated.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:26I'm still thinking about the meat smoothies, I'm going to be honest.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- Snooker ball food. - You're going for that?
0:11:28 > 0:11:29- Yeah.- Wrong.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33It's B - the Stones refuse to play at a venue after a circus has been in town
0:11:33 > 0:11:37as Mick Jagger claims he had an allergic reaction to elephant dung at a Canadian arena.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41And circus animals won't perform after the Rolling Stones,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43because they're allergic to pensioner piss.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48Keith Richards recently published his autobiography, featuring some of his favourite memories.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52He's just waiting for someone to fill in the gaps between 1945 and this afternoon.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57And at the end of that round, Noel's team has one point. Phill is yet to score.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Next up, it's the intros round. Noel and Andrew, here are yours for Irwin.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Oh! Thank you.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Let's do it. Let's do this.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17..two, three, four. Oom tish, oom tish...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Could be anything.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:26 > 0:12:30What I'm doing is just background noise. Just listen to him.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Andrew's giving it all that definitely heterosexual pizzazz.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35OK.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36One, two, three, four...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Oom tish, oom tish!
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Don't look at me. ..Oom tish, oom tish!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- HIGH PITCHED:- Doop-doop, doop-doop, doo-doo, doop-doop...
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Sorry, I think my phone's going.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Doop-doop...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Hello? Is that Noel's mum? Yeah, I'll be round at six.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doop-doop Doop-doop...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I'm very OCD - I made sure it was back on the hook.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05It sounded like nothing ever recorded by man.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I don't know - it's not you, it's my ears.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11This is the point where I watch the TV, screaming at it, "You idiot!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- "It's so obvious!" - Well, can we have an answer?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Come on! It's obvious.- It's not, but is it the Luniz?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20It's actually Gorillaz, Melancholy Hill.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22And this is how it should have sounded.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24SONG PLAYS
0:13:26 > 0:13:28That's good actually.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35# Up on melancholy... #
0:13:35 > 0:13:37OK. Here's your next one.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- Oh, this one should be all right. - I need to prepare for this one.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I've been told to ask you, Andrew, what's a triple threat?
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Someone who can sing, dance and act, coming for you.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Threat?! I wouldn't like to be in a fight with you!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53"You want a fight with me? Fight with my mate Andrew!"
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- CAMP VOICE:- "I can sing, I can dance and I can act!"
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"So just back off!"
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I think "coming for you" is the biggest threat.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Or over you?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Oh, come on!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12You've let yourself down, you've let this young lady down,
0:14:12 > 0:14:15you've let the audience down, Noel's mum...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I usually let Noel's mum down.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Oh, come on! I'm sorry, Mrs Fielding.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- My mum's in - that's not even funny! - I know, that's why I'm saying it!
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Is your dad in? - Yeah! He's next to her!
0:14:30 > 0:14:34He's going to come looking for me singing, dancing and acting later!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37# What did you say about my wife? #
0:14:37 > 0:14:38APPLAUSE
0:14:38 > 0:14:40"He's got the jazz hands out!"
0:14:40 > 0:14:43APPLAUSE
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- Are you all finished? - I've done my insults. Away you go.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49All right, lobster shirt.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Wah-wow, a-ning-ning-ning...
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Noo-noo-noo...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Doo-doo-doo...
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Ba-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08HIGH PITCHED SHRIEKS
0:15:08 > 0:15:11SHRIEKS AND SCREAMS
0:15:11 > 0:15:14MANIC LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:17AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS
0:15:21 > 0:15:25I didn't have anything to do, so I thought I'd pretend to be a witch.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Is it...Abba?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Maybe.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Come on, Irwin, give me the answer.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- He wants it again and again. - Give me the answer, Irwin.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Ooh!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- IRWIN HUMS TO HIMSELF - Give me the answer!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Irwin, GIVE ME the answer! GIMME the answer!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43GIMME the answer!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- This is painful. - GIMME the answer! GIMME...
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I don't know it!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Gimme... Gimme...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Gimme...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Just gimme, gimme...the answer!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I don't...
0:15:57 > 0:16:03- Is it Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!?- Yes!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05APPLAUSE
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- Ah, God!- Actually, it's wrong. The answer is Take A Chance On Me.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:16 > 0:16:18And here's how it should have sounded.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19SONG BEGINS TO PLAY
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I don't remember this bit.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25FAMILIAR PANPIPE INTRO PLAYS
0:16:25 > 0:16:27That bit before...
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I thought it sounded like a laughing witch, so I thought I'd do that.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34# Half past twelve... #
0:16:34 > 0:16:37There's nothing like a laughing witch in it. At all.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39So that was Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! by Abba.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43After years of relentless emotional torment and sexual harassment,
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Abba's Agnetha finally caved in and married her persistent stalker.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50So, you keep plugging away, Adrian Chiles.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54We also heard Gorillaz, with Melancholy Hill. They don't do many interviews,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58because it's too expensive and difficult to animate a full conversation.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Much like the Saturdays.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Phill and Diana, here are yours for Jon.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Do we have to stand, yeah?- Yes, we do, Diana Vickers.- I'm very excited.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- What, about standing?- Yes.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"I'm a simple northern girl with simple wishes.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17"I wish I could go to London and stand."
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- LAUGHTER - Well tonight, your dreams come true!
0:17:21 > 0:17:25# This is my moment... #
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- Thank you very much.- If you're lucky, you can do some holding too.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I know! Two for one!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- THEY CONFER - Yeah.- Just do that.- Yeah.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Right. One, two, three.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Nah-nah!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom...
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Nah-nah!
0:17:44 > 0:18:00Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Nah-nah!
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Nah-nah, nah-nah!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Is that the ice cream van?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Nah-nah!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Dum, dum, da-now...
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Dum, dum, da-now...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Dum, da-na-now...
0:18:00 > 0:18:01You need to stop doing that.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- What, the mimey piano? - No, you're good!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- What was she doing?- My hip thrusting. - Making me not watch that.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Is it the song that has the lyric, "Don't need no credit card to ride this train"?
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Yes, that's good, but it's not Spot The Fragment Of Lyric!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Much as I wish it were!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- What's the title?- I can't do it with you all looking at me!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Nobody look at Jon. Look the other way and he'll get it. Watch this.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29They don't do this on Ready, Steady, Cook -
0:18:29 > 0:18:32just you next to the chef going, "What are you making?!"
0:18:34 > 0:18:36So, is there any cabbage in this?
0:18:38 > 0:18:42- How about some lettuce? - Oh, God, this is horrible!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Addicted To Love?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50No, unfortunately, it's The Power Of Love.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Oi!- You've got to hand it over. - OK, pretend I didn't say that.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Oh, no!
0:18:55 > 0:18:59No, that's the wrong answer. Noel, do you know it?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Is it Addicted To Love?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03No, it's not Addicted To Love!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Yeah, it's The Power Of Love!
0:19:05 > 0:19:09It's The Power Of Love, and this is how it should sound.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"THE POWER OF LOVE" PLAYS
0:19:12 > 0:19:15# Might as well admit it I'm addicted to love... #
0:19:16 > 0:19:19# Might as well admit it I'm addicted to love... #
0:19:19 > 0:19:22# Might as well... # Come on! # ..addicted to love...
0:19:22 > 0:19:24# Addicted to...love. #
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- # Power of love... # - Don't do that bit!
0:19:27 > 0:19:31OK, here we go. I've got confidence in you in this one.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36- I feel you're going to get this one. - Yeah?- One, two, three, four...
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da...
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Batman!
0:19:40 > 0:19:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Oh, I enjoyed that!- Oh, no!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52PHILL: You're going to do it again.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53- I'm not.- You are.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Listen, everyone. I'm telling you now as the referee, we don't do that again.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00And the same applies to you, audience.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Don't look at him.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Batman!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I'm so sorry. That's definitely it now. If I did it again,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- that would be childish.- Yes.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15I'm not an idiot.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19You get the laugh twice, but three, that would be pushing it.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Here we go.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da...
0:20:23 > 0:20:24THEY STOP
0:20:24 > 0:20:27LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Batman!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:39That's your fault for pausing.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Lee, that was my fault. I put the Riddler on the guest list.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46- Chung-chung! - Wah!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Chung-chung! - Wah!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Catwoman!
0:20:51 > 0:20:52- Dum-dum - Wah!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Oh... wah...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Da-da-da-da-da-da-da...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58It's not Blur, is it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!- What did you say? - Blur?
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Which song?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Country House?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh, so close. It's Blur, with Batman.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14You're right, and it sounds like this.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17SONG PLAYS
0:21:25 > 0:21:28# And so the story begins...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30# City dweller, successful fella... #
0:21:30 > 0:21:35Blur, with Country House. The song famously went head-to-head with the Oasis single, Roll With It,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37in one of the greatest music battles ever.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42We'd seen nothing like it, until Starman went up against the meat raffle at the Crown and Anchor.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46And if you don't want to see the result, look away now.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58We also heard The Power Of Love by Huey Lewis and the News.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Huey Lewis and the News sued Ray Parker Jr over similarities
0:22:01 > 0:22:05between the Ghostbusters theme and their song, I Want A New Drug.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I don't know if you've ever seen two homeless people
0:22:08 > 0:22:12fighting over an empty crisp packet, but it was a bit like that.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Round three is the Identity Parade.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Noel, Irwin and Andrew, how about some '90s Irish indie?
0:22:16 > 0:22:20For the audience only, here are the Frank and Walters.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23# There are times I get distracted, girl
0:22:23 > 0:22:27# By the ways and workings of this world
0:22:27 > 0:22:31# But I think of you as my life's shrine
0:22:31 > 0:22:41# And I'm glad that I'm yours and you're mine... #
0:22:41 > 0:22:45That was the Frank and Walters with After All,
0:22:45 > 0:22:50but which one of our line-up is singer and bassist, Paul Linehan?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Is it number one, Frank and Walters?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Number two, Frankenstein?
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Number three, Franks but no Franks?
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Number four, frank and open discussion about your future?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Or number five, total and utter franker?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Number five looks like a frightening Viking.
0:23:09 > 0:23:15- He's seen pain.- Frightening? As opposed to those un-frightening ones who used to rape and pillage?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I think it's not number two.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I don't know. I can't tell if he's looking at me, but I think he hates me.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Number three has got a bit of a twinkle.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Yeah.- I reckon number three could have been in a band.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Number one is so wiry it's hurting my eyes.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Look at his elbows!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33You could have a crab's eye out with them.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I think he looks like a perfect advert for Diet Tango.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- I think it's number three. - You're going for number three?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Would the real Paul Linehan please step forward?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Yes, still recording and touring with the Frank and Walters,
0:23:57 > 0:23:58ladies and gentlemen, Paul Linehan.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Phill, Jon and Diana, what about some classic reggae?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10For the audience only, here is Dawn Penn.
0:24:10 > 0:24:16# No, no, no
0:24:16 > 0:24:22# You don't love me and I know now... #
0:24:28 > 0:24:30That was Dawn Penn with No, No, No,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32but which of our line-up is Dawn Penn?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Is it number one, Dawn Penn?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Number two, Dawn do that?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Number three, Dawn of the dead?
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Number four, Dawn, Dawn, deeper and Dawn?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Or number five, up at the crack of Dawn?
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- Phill's team.- It's number two. - Is it number two?- It's number two.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- Diana, what do you...? - Don't ask Diana, she doesn't know.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58It's number two. I'm very excited. It's number two.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Very eager. - Do you think it's number two?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03It's number two. It's number two.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Number two?- It's number two. It's number two.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I'm going to have to push you. What are you going for?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Jon, you don't seem to have offered an opinion, but what do you think?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I think it's five, but I don't want to cause a fuss.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- You definitely want two?- Number two, reggae legend, Dawn Penn.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20OK, let's find out.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25More than any other show I've ever watched in the history of British television,
0:25:25 > 0:25:26do I want this to be wrong.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Would the real Dawn Penn please step forward?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:37 > 0:25:41With her brand new album out now, ladies and gentlemen, Dawn Penn.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:48 > 0:25:51So, we have Phill on three points and Noel on three points.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59So, we end with Next Lines. Phill, you go first. Your time starts now.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"Slowly walking down the hall."
0:26:01 > 0:26:02"Faster than a cannon ball."
0:26:02 > 0:26:05"Faster than Cannon and Ball," but I'll give it.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08"Look at you and me, honey bee."
0:26:08 > 0:26:10"Now whoopsie-daisy."
0:26:10 > 0:26:16- Oh dear, what have you done? Yes, by Diana Vickers. My Wicked Heart.- Indeed, yeah - out now.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- "Return of the Mack."- Yes it is.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- "Return of the Mack..."- Oh!
0:26:21 > 0:26:22"McBurger, McFlurry..."
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"McBurger"? It's not an advert for Big Macs!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29"Return of the Mack, oh and I'll have fries with that." We don't do adverts!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32We're trying to break this northern stereotype.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36"Oh, aye, I'll have a cheeseburger and fries and an apple pie."
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Once again, Mark Morrison, Return of the Mack.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41"You and your 28,000 friends..."
0:26:41 > 0:26:46I know this. "YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, IM..."
0:26:46 > 0:26:49"I'm talking about YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, im..."
0:26:49 > 0:26:54- What does "im" mean?- I am! Im. What?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Sorry, did I just have a blackout during that sentence?
0:26:59 > 0:27:02END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Noel's team, you need seven to win, and your time starts now.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12"People try to put us d-down..."
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- "Talkin' bout my generation." - Oh, close. "Talkin' bout my sick Alsatian."
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Er, no, it's not. "I like everybody..."
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- "Not everybody likes me." - The Hoosiers.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- "Now and then, my knees go weak..." - "My feet become alive, alive, alive."
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- Starman. - Go for it!- Out this Christmas.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30"I can't dance, I can't sing..."
0:27:30 > 0:27:33"The only way I...er..."
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Genesis. "I'm just standing here selling everything."
0:27:35 > 0:27:38"He's got a pineapple on his head."
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- "He's got a pineapple on his head." - Yes, Jason Lee.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41"Agadoo-doo..."
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- "Push pineapple, shake a tree." - Black Lace.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45"Agadoo-doo..."
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Er...
0:27:46 > 0:27:49HE MOUTHS
0:27:49 > 0:27:50"Push, er, stir..."
0:27:50 > 0:27:51- "A stew."- Yeah.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54"Push pineapple, grind coffee."
0:27:54 > 0:27:55"To the left..."
0:27:55 > 0:27:57"To the right, jump up and down..."
0:27:57 > 0:27:59It was. By?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- Black Lace?- No, Sgt Aled Rowlands of the Royal Welsh Brigade.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- "Goodbye, Mr A..." - END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
0:28:05 > 0:28:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:11So, that's the end of the show.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Phill's team has 9, but Noel's team has 11!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Thanks to Phill, Jon and Diana, Noel, Andrew and Irwin.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Good night!
0:28:53 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:57 > 0:29:00E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk