0:00:02 > 0:00:05JINGLE BELLS RING
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Oh, man. I wish I was in there all snuggled and warm.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14Oi, Torchwood, stop dicking about and get over here,
0:00:14 > 0:00:16there's a pop quiz to do!
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Well, it's not the first time a man's sprinkled all over me.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:57Hello and welcome to what promises to be a gay old Christmas special
0:00:57 > 0:01:01with me, your host, John Barrowman.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04It's the last show of the series and the current tally is
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Phill, six.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Noel, five.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13So, it's close, there's everything to play for.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Tonight, with team captain Noel Fielding...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21He's an R'n'B star who recently posed naked to raise awareness
0:01:21 > 0:01:23for testicular cancer. And it worked!
0:01:23 > 0:01:27When I saw that spread I couldn't stop checking out my own balls.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29It's Jason Derulo.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:33 > 0:01:38He's a man with the most impressive showbiz beard since Sinitta.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42It's hairy bear comedian Joe Wilkinson.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:46 > 0:01:49And across the way with captain Phill Jupitus
0:01:50 > 0:01:53We needed a beautiful lady guest at short notice,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56luckily here's one I prepared earlier.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It's Blue Peter presenter Helen Skelton.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:04 > 0:02:07He's a former presenter of the One Show,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10following in Adrian Chiles' footsteps, which led him
0:02:10 > 0:02:14to question, "Why the hell am I outside Christine Bleakley's house?"
0:02:14 > 0:02:15It's Jason Manford.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:21 > 0:02:24So, we begin with Guess Who?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26We've morphed together two well-known faces
0:02:26 > 0:02:27from the world of music.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31First, the teams have to tell me who those faces belong to.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Phill, whose faces have we morphed together?
0:02:33 > 0:02:37That is one ugly picture.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40It looks a little bit like Peter Stringfellow pre-make up.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42It more sort of looks like Stringfellow
0:02:42 > 0:02:44if he'd lent into a microwave for five minutes.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Maybe it is one of those, what's that meal where you put a bird
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- inside a bigger bird, inside a bigger bird.- Turduckin.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Is that what it's called?- Yeah.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- Wow, we are laughing and learning tonight.- Yes, you are.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- I'm going to give you a clue. - Thank you.- OK.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Just watch this and here is a very, very good clue.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03# Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:03:03 > 0:03:08# Girl, I got a yeah, yeah, yeah I want to see you tonight. #
0:03:10 > 0:03:15You can't not be dirty! You are the randiest man on television.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Yes. It's the only time ever you'll hear me say,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20"Girl, I'm going to yeah, yeah, yeah," to you.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen.- Was it?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Was that your voice? - Of course it was him,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27cos at the end he flirted with whoever was filming him.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30At the end the lips went...
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Chris Brown.- Chris Brown. That's half of him.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- How about the other half?- The hair.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Is Stringfellow the right generation?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- It is the right generation. - Rod Stewart?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Are those your answers? - Yeah, all right.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Let's see if you're right.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Yes!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53You're right. It was Chris Brown and Rod Stewart.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56But which one of them pooped themselves on stage?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Seriously.- Really?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- This is a Christmas special? - This is a Christmas special.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04His Yule log gag.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Rod Stewart looks like he's pooping in that picture.
0:04:08 > 0:04:14# If you want my body, AND you think I'm sexy...
0:04:14 > 0:04:17# Wake up Maggie, I really got something to say to you... #
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I've shit the bed, love.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22What would cause you to defecate on stage?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I've been sick on stage.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- I've actually vomited on stage. - Onto the audience?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I was in Hull, that wasn't the reason,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I felt queasy, did the gig and I went backstage, threw up,
0:04:34 > 0:04:39wiped my mouth with the curtain, you know what that's like, John.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44for the love of God! We've only been on for a minute.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47You can't be too rude, we've got a Blue Peter presenter and we'll break her.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- I'll have to hand in the badge. - I have one, too.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52And they're not getting it back.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53What did you get it for?
0:04:53 > 0:04:58- I got its long before you were born. - Was John Leslie the presenter?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Chris Brown, is he the fella who hit his girlfriend?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Rihanna. - Yeah, he shit himself
0:05:02 > 0:05:06because Rihanna's brothers were in the front row of the gig.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- He's more likely to do it and dine out on it.- Woah! He never said that.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15- Hold on!- I don't mean that! - We know you reuse stuff, but that's too far.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17He could get away with it, whereas Rod,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20people wouldn't buy his records if he'd done that.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Have you had any accidents onstage?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Yeah, but I've never shat myself.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Who is going to be like, "Damm, the show was super dope,
0:05:29 > 0:05:30"but I shat myself?"
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Actually, I have a confession to make.- Oh, no.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I have crapped myself on stage.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42I was wearing white polyester pants and a yellow polyester vest
0:05:42 > 0:05:45and I was singing a song and I thought I would fart
0:05:45 > 0:05:52and I went, "pfft," and completely had follow through all...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Yes. But there's a reason, shut it,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- the person who was my understudy had put laxative in my water.- Wow.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00A couple of hours prior.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04So I was kicking and I thought, true professional, don't stop the number.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08And I could see people in the front row going...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Merry Christmas, everyone!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Wow, that is awesome. Good work.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19So, who is it, you still haven't made your minds up.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- I reckon Chris Brown. - Chris Brown.- Chris Brown.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You are right.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Yes.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31It was Chris Brown.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33He was suffering from food poisoning
0:06:33 > 0:06:38and unwisely risked a danger fart while on stage in 2006.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41When he got back home his girlfriend at the time asked him
0:06:41 > 0:06:45if it was food poisoning, and if it was salmonella-ella
0:06:45 > 0:06:47eh, eh, eh.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49AUDIENCE GROANS
0:06:51 > 0:06:55OK, Noel's team, you are up next. Who are we looking at here?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00The jack of hearts.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Perfect woman, lovely hair and stubble.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Is that your perfect woman? A woman with a beard?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Yeah, yeah, and a limp.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Do you know who that is? - Er, no idea.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I recognise those peepers, that's Chris Martin.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Would you like a clue?- Can we have a clue, please?- Another special clue.
0:07:18 > 0:07:26# I kissed a girl, just to try it. Hope my boyfriend don't mind it. #
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Really haunting, isn't it?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Your mouth is terrifying close-up. I've never been that close.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Haven't you? Would you like to be that close to it?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- I can arrange it. - For Christmas?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- No, right now. - Oh, he's a predator.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Right, apart from the beautiful mouth, the hair, the beard.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I think it's Chris Martin and Katy Perry, do you reckon?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03- Yeah.- Katy Martin.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Let's see if you're right...
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Yep.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14You are right. It was Katy Perry and Chris Martin.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18But which one of them wrote a song in a Wendy house?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- What the hell is a Wendy house? - A Wendy house is like a house...
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- ..for Wendy. - It's fabulous, I love it!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28A Wendy house is one of the playhouses,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30like a little girl would have in a back garden.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- A really creepy mini house.- I bet you have fallen asleep in one, though.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38What, when I was Stuart Little? How would I fit in a...
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Do you not get in and have a play? - No, I have got my own house.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Sometimes you see Wendy houses in the garden and I like that,
0:08:45 > 0:08:49cos it looks like the house has had a baby.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52What's happening with Chris Martin? He looks like he has got lenses
0:08:52 > 0:08:55of his own eyes over his own eyes.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58He looks like every one of his songs.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I've been really good tonight,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I've not dissed Coldplay in any way and it's burning me up inside.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12You boys are so bitter, just cos he's talented and good-looking,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15it's like when girls say about girls...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Ohhhh!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I feel a little bit of stuff going on here!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23You know what, though, people often say to me,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"Oh, you do like Coldplay."
0:09:25 > 0:09:27They're shit.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I'm not bitter.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I think that's a full snap to Noel and a half snap to Helen.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I'm going to press you now for an answer.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45OK. It's him, he goes inside his Wendy house.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Yeah, he's ashamed, he just sits there in a ball.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I think he's just got a scale fetish.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55- He gets in there and imagines he's a giant.- Nothing wrong with that.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Chris? We'll go with Chris.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59OK, you are right.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Chris Martin wrote a song called Mylo Xyloto
0:10:06 > 0:10:09while sitting in his daughter's Wendy house, it is true.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Chris Martin says Take That made him question whether he was gay.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Seriously, Chris, let me just make this clear -
0:10:15 > 0:10:19thanks for your inquiry, but we're not currently hiring.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Next up, it's a Festive Intros Round where all the songs
0:10:24 > 0:10:29are Christmas songs or number ones from Christmas past, past, past.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34To help you along, each team has a Christmas bonus you can only play once.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39Phill and Helen, here are yours for Jason.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40OK.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43# Da da, da da da da da
0:10:43 > 0:10:46# Da da, da da da da da
0:10:46 > 0:10:49# Da da, da da da da da... #
0:10:49 > 0:10:55- I wish I was dead... - # da da, da da... #
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Seriously, put a gun in my mouth.- # Da da... #
0:10:59 > 0:11:06- Are you doing the thing?- I'm feeling pain of it being done next to me.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07- Wow.- I want to win.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11# Da da, da da da da da, da da da da da da... #
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Why are you doing that?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- Any ideas? - I don't know what you are doing.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18If you don't have any ideas, I'm going to have to chuck it over this side.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- I can't even guess.- OK. Can't even guess was not the right answer.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- So, I am going to hand it over to Noel's team.- Have you got an idea?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- Well...- I've got an idea but it's nothing to do with this game.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34What I'm thinking about has nothing to do with Christmas.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Choose your first instinct. - Look at you, you're like a Jedi.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I will show you the way of the force.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I don't want to see the force. I'm OK.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- It was, of course... - What's happening?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I'm telling you the answer.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52You gave them about an hour and us about four seconds!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54All right, ready, steady, go.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- We don't know.- Oh!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03It was of course Mr Blobby with Mr Blobby.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05And here is what it should have sounded like.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
0:12:15 > 0:12:19TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
0:12:19 > 0:12:25- # Blobby, Mr Blobby...#- TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30So, it was Mr Blobby with Mr Blobby.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Unfortunately, Mr Blobby has now fallen on hard times.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37These days, the only money he makes is 30 quid for a blobby, blobby, blobby,
0:12:37 > 0:12:4020 quid for a blow blobby
0:12:40 > 0:12:43and 10 quid for a hand blobby.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Imagine getting wanked off by Mr Blobby.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Next one, please.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Are you going to use your bonus?
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Yes, they're going to use their bonus. Please welcome, everybody,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58the Buzzcocks Carol Singers.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Right, come on.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- # Ahh- Brum
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- # Ba da da- Brum- Ahh
0:13:13 > 0:13:21- # Dum dum dum- Ahh ahh, dit na na
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- # Ahh- Ahh ahh ahh
0:13:23 > 0:13:27# Ahhh... #
0:13:27 > 0:13:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I thought that was pretty good.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38- Pretty beautiful.- Yeah.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41If you don't know this you're an idiot.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46In Jason's defence, what did you tell me
0:13:46 > 0:13:49before the show about this particular round.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Well, just, I said, I can't even do this in the pub quiz
0:13:53 > 0:13:56when it is the real, actual music. You know what I mean?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59We didn't sing, we just stared at him.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I know, but I'm being hypnotised by his snowman.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06That snowman looks well shifty, Doesn't he?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08It's Fairytale of New York, the Pogues.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Yeah, I'm going to go with that. - Do you know it?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I guess I'm an idiot too because I don't know...
0:14:14 > 0:14:16No, honey, you could never be an idiot.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20What's going on here? We both made the same mistake but I'm the idiot.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- If you can dance like this boy then you're not an idiot.- I can dance.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Go on then.- How's he persuaded you to dance for him? No!
0:14:29 > 0:14:33I can't stop staring at your snowman, now, it's killing me.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37You know this is just a plain red jumper.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44The snowman looks like he's seen a better jumper and he's going,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"I wish I was on that jumper."
0:14:46 > 0:14:48We've got no answer to our right, and we've got...
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- Walking In The Air. - Walking In The Air.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54You're both completely wrong, thank you very much, choir,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56for being with us.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01It was, of course...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03East 17, Stay Another Day.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Here's how it should've sounded.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11OPENING PIANO CHORDS OF "Stay Another Day"
0:15:11 > 0:15:15# Stay now! # LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:21# Stay now, stay now, stay now, stay now, yeah! #
0:15:23 > 0:15:27East 17: # Stay now Baby if you got to go away... #
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- That doesn't count as a Christmas song.- But it was number one!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Just cos they put snow suits on!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Have you seen the video? That's how the riots would've looked in December.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER
0:15:37 > 0:15:40So that was East 17, Stay Another Day.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Tony Mortimer says he can't watch Take That.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Well to be fair, Tony,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46those tickets cost 60 quid and you've not done much lately.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Noel and Jason, here are yours for Joe,
0:15:51 > 0:15:55and remember, you can use your Christmas Bonus if you get stuck.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Can't wait for this one.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59They want to use their Christmas Bonus!
0:15:59 > 0:16:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:00 > 0:16:03All right, bring back the Buzzcocks Choir!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06APPLAUSE
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Ooh, sorry.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13The lady in the blue coat at the end killed Dappy on the way in
0:16:13 > 0:16:14and got the hat.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:16 > 0:16:18We look like we're in a science fiction film.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You look like the hero
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- and I look like the baddy who appears on a screen. - LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I got the view of a lifetime.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Stop it, man!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32So I'll be talking to you but I'll be facing this way...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34You go in the middle...
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Jason? You can face that way if you want to.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:40No! Right...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER
0:16:42 > 0:16:46MEN: # Ba ba-bub bur-bur Ba-bub bur-bur
0:16:46 > 0:16:49WOMEN: # Da-da-da da-oh ba-ba ba
0:16:49 > 0:16:52# Ba-ba-ba Ba-bub ba-ba-bap
0:16:52 > 0:16:57- # La-la-la la-a - Ba-ba-da. #
0:16:57 > 0:17:01APPLAUSE
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- It sounded really festive. - That was beautiful.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06If you knocked at my door I'd give you some satsumas.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Imagine if you were carol-singing and I answered the door.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- CREEPY VOICE:- Hello!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14"You're all right, we'll go next door, actually..."
0:17:14 > 0:17:17You're nearly there, though, aren't you?
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Yeah.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19LAUGHTER
0:17:22 > 0:17:23I've no idea.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25No idea? I'm going to throw it this side.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Hey, hey!- I don't believe it! - Really?- Are you serious?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31The Darkness, Don't Let The Bells End?
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Is absolutely right!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- Thank you, choir, thank you very much.- Well done.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Here is how it should have sounded.
0:17:43 > 0:17:50OPENING DRUMS AND GUITAR RIFF FROM "Don't Let The Bells End"
0:17:58 > 0:18:01# Feigning joy and surprise... #
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Next one, please!- This is one of his favourites so you have to guess it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Ah-beh-beh-beh! Whoa!- We didn't discuss his favourite songs,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- so it wasn't a clue.- What we discussed is how you shampooed your beard today.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:17What did you say? It was the funniest thing. "I went swimming and it went solid."
0:18:17 > 0:18:18LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Took me an hour and a half to get it back to this.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Not even a "thank you".
0:18:25 > 0:18:28All right, this one goes a little something like this.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- I like that start.- Wow! How smooth was that.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- This song means a lot to me... - A-beja-ba eja-ba!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- You know your part, right? - (Yeah.)
0:18:34 > 0:18:39LAUGHTER
0:18:39 > 0:18:42# Bom-bo-dom bom-bom Bom-bo dom-bom... #
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Oh, I kno...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- # Bom-bo-dom bom... # - SOFTLY: # A-a-a a-ah... #
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- You're not helping! - Do you know it?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- # A-a-a-a-a-a-a-h... # - LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- Hey! I think he knows it! - Oh... No! Oh, God, I know it.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- # A-a-a-a-a-ah... #- You do. # Bom-ba-dom... # Wait...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Your bit's brilliant, you're distracting.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02# Ba-la ba-la ba-bab! #
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- Don't know why I did that. I got excited! - Nothing to do with the song.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- It's Michael Jackson, erm... - Look at me, look at me.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11What?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12NOEL LAUGHS
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Wash on, wash off?
0:19:14 > 0:19:15LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:17JASON: You're close.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS AND STAMPS HIS FEET
0:19:21 > 0:19:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:29You do that again, I'll be the fan that's blowing his hair back...
0:19:29 > 0:19:33HE STOMPS HIS FEET IN A RHYTHM
0:19:33 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Earth! Earth Song.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41CHEERING
0:19:41 > 0:19:44WOLF WHISTLES
0:19:44 > 0:19:46You're sweating now, aren't ya? Can hear him panicking.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50You're absolutely right but here's how it should've sounded.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53OPENING PIANO TUNE FROM "Earth Song"
0:19:53 > 0:19:58# Ah, a-ah!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:02# Oh, no
0:20:02 > 0:20:04# Oh, yeah! #
0:20:06 > 0:20:09# What about sunrise... #
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Anyway, that was Michael Jackson with Earth Song.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16In 2009, Michael's dermatologist put a claim in through the courts
0:20:16 > 0:20:20for £50,000-worth of unpaid Botox treatment.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Oh, my god! Did he have work done?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:28Round three is the Identity Parade...with a twist!
0:20:28 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:29 > 0:20:34- Instead of guessing the person - IN- the band, you'll need to guess who- WASN'T,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- As we play Who's- NOT- With The Band.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Phill, Helen and Jason, how about some Welsh hip hop?
0:20:41 > 0:20:45For the audience only, here is Goldie Lookin' Chain.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48# So remember, kids, from the head double tap
0:20:48 > 0:20:50# Guns don't kill people, it's just rap
0:20:50 > 0:20:53# Guns don't kill people, rappers do
0:20:53 > 0:20:55# Sound of da police, woo, woo, woo
0:20:55 > 0:20:57# Guns don't kill people, rappers do
0:20:57 > 0:21:00# Sound of da police, woo, woo, woo. #
0:21:00 > 0:21:04That was Goldie Lookin' Chain with Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Blap, blap.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:11But which of our line-up is not with the band?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Is it number one, Goldie Lookin' Chain?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Number two, Goldie Lookin' For Love?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Number three, Goldie Lookin' Past His Best?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Number four, Goldie Lookin' For A Record Deal?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Or number five, Goldie Lookin' For His Methadone?
0:21:26 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Number one, where were you during the recent riots?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Knowing Goldie Lookin' Chain, this isn't the first time
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- they've been in a line-up. - LAUGHTER
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Right, number five is definitely in the band.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43I recognise him.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- If I save my beard off, I look exactly like him.- Do you really?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Yeah, yeah. Good-looking buggers, aren't we?
0:21:48 > 0:21:49LAUGHTER
0:21:49 > 0:21:54- Number two, have you got a chicken on your head? - I can't believe you didn't say cock,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- It was set up for you there, John. - I know.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- I think it's three or four. I think four.- Is it you, number three?
0:22:01 > 0:22:05- If only it were that easy! - I think number four.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- He doesn't look comfortable.- You're right. Not liking it, are you?
0:22:08 > 0:22:12He's got his hand in his pockets because he's got his wallet and his phone.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- I need an answer, kids. - I'm pretty confident.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I liked them, to be honest, so I recognise them. I think number four.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Number four. - Number four?
0:22:24 > 0:22:29- Let's find out. Would the person- NOT - with the band please step forward?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31APPLAUSE
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Now touring with their album, Blue Waffle.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Ladies and gentlemen, Goldie Lookin' Chain
0:22:39 > 0:22:40CHEERING
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Noel, Jason and Joe,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49what about some nostalgic kids' TV fun?
0:22:49 > 0:22:53For the audience only, here are The Wombles.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# All day long
0:22:55 > 0:23:00# We will be laughing as we go
0:23:00 > 0:23:07# We wish you a wombling merry Christma-a-as. #
0:23:07 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Absolutely terrifying.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15I remember them being a lot smaller. LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:19That was The Wombles with A Wombling Merry Christmas.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- But which of our line-up is- NOT- with the band?
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Is it number one, wombling free?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Number two, wombling hands?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Number three, wombling without due care and attention?
0:23:31 > 0:23:36Number four, wombling what he's going to have for dinner?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Or number five, WOMBLING about a career change?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Wimbledon Common's cleaned now. Head to Clapham,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46some nasty stuff in the bushes over there.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49PHILL: Not tonight there isn't.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:55 > 0:23:58When they move, it's fine. But when they keep still, it's sinister.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Everybody just look at Noel, go on.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Oh, my god.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Noel, it's like spiders. They're more afraid of you.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15LAUGHTER
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Guys?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Worst five-a-side football team ever.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Wow, you're really hot.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- I know how to find out, Noel?- Yeah?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:37 > 0:24:41They can't help themselves. Look, they can't help themselves!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- They can't help it! - I have no idea what this is.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49- Do you not know what the Wombles are? - No.- This is our Royal Family.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I know how to do this because I live near Wimbledon.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59What's the Wimbledon postcode?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I'm not English, but I know who Jedward is.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06He knows who Jedward is, but he doesn't know who the Wombles are?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- We'll keep number one, very Christmassy.- Uncle Bulgaria.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Yeah, and Wellington? Yeah, Wellington.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17- Orinoco, yes? And... - Who's the tart on the end?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19LAUGHTER
0:25:19 > 0:25:23I know. Madame Cholet.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Which is the Womble who is not in the band?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- It's got to be Jedward. - Number two, isn't it?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29OK, let's find out.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- Would the Womble- NOT- with the band, please step forward?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35APPLAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:38With their single, A Wombling Merry Christmas out now,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40The Wombles ladies and gentleman.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42CHEERING
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I really hope they get on a tube back to Wimbledon.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:53And at the end of that round, it's four all.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55APPLAUSE
0:26:00 > 0:26:03So we end with some Festive Next Lines.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Phill, your team will go first and remember,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09you're playing to win the series.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Your time starts now.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Baby, if you've got to go away...
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Don't think I can take the pain. - Very nice.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18# Christmas time, Mistletoe and wine. #
0:26:18 > 0:26:22# Children singing Christian rhyme. #
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Brilliant.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day. #
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- I bet you do! - LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Wrong! # I played a drum for him... #
0:26:32 > 0:26:34ALL: Pa-ra-pa-pa-pom. #
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Nice!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36END OF ROUND JINGLE
0:26:36 > 0:26:38APPLAUSE
0:26:39 > 0:26:44Noel's team, you need five points to win tonight and draw the series.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48I'm feeling pretty confident. He just went to me, "I never get these."
0:26:48 > 0:26:49LAUGHTER
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Your time starts now
0:26:50 > 0:26:52# Oh, the weather outside is frightful... #
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# La-la, la-la, la-lightful. #
0:26:55 > 0:26:56That's not right.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart... #
0:26:58 > 0:26:59But the very next day, you gave it away!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01That's right.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer... #
0:27:04 > 0:27:06ALL: # Had a very shiny nose. #
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Brilliant.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- SCREAMS: # We're walking in the a-a-air! # - LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:12HIGH-PITCHED: # We're walking in the air tonight. #
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Nope.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15END OF ROUND JINGLE
0:27:15 > 0:27:16APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Noel's team has seven points, but this week's winners are Phill's team
0:27:22 > 0:27:23with eight points,
0:27:23 > 0:27:28which means Phill's team take the series, seven shows to five.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:32 > 0:27:37Thanks to Phill, Helen and Jason, Noel, Jason and Joe,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks
0:27:39 > 0:27:41and I've been John Barrowman.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:47We've all had a lot of fun tonight,
0:27:47 > 0:27:51but please spare a thought in these cold winter months
0:27:51 > 0:27:53for those who have less than you,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55as we launch our Buzzcocks Christmas Appeal.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57MUSIC: "Silent Night"
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Just £2 a month can pay for someone else
0:28:01 > 0:28:03to sing Jason Derulo's name on his songs.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07£3 can buy Joe Wilkinson shoes.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER
0:28:09 > 0:28:13While £5 can feed a whole ID parade for a month.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Please, send what you can.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23Have a merry Christmas and to all a good night
0:28:25 > 0:28:29# Holy infant
0:28:29 > 0:28:35# So tender and mild
0:28:35 > 0:28:45# Sleep in heavenly peace
0:28:45 > 0:28:54# Sleep in heavenly peace. #
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Good night!
0:28:56 > 0:28:58APPLAUSE
0:29:02 > 0:29:04LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:29:09 > 0:29:11What did you eat?!