Episode 3

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0:00:02 > 0:00:03This programme contains some strong language

0:00:03 > 0:00:06- I am so excited about Lorraine Kelly hosting.- Apparently, she's the nicest person on TV.

0:00:06 > 0:00:08Oh, yes. We should say hello. Come on.

0:00:08 > 0:00:11Hello? Lorraine? Hiya.

0:00:11 > 0:00:12What?

0:00:12 > 0:00:15Who let you two in? And do you know what?

0:00:15 > 0:00:18I've got a lot of complaints. What the f(BEEP) is going on?

0:00:18 > 0:00:20Where's my (BEEP) dressing room?

0:00:20 > 0:00:24And what about the (BEEP) kittens (BEEP) puppies?

0:00:24 > 0:00:27You two couldn't run a (BEEP) in a (BEEP). I'm absolutely (BEEP).

0:00:27 > 0:00:29I'm not used to being (BEEP), you know.

0:00:29 > 0:00:33It's a (BEEP) disgrace, and (BEEP) (BEEP).

0:00:33 > 0:00:37And I, frankly, am out of here. (BEEP). Get out ma road, you.

0:00:37 > 0:00:39(BEEP) off.

0:00:41 > 0:00:44I am so turned on.

0:01:17 > 0:01:20Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

0:01:20 > 0:01:23Coming up on tonight's show, we chat

0:01:23 > 0:01:26to Phill and Noel about the latest news from planet pop,

0:01:26 > 0:01:29Stacey Solomon will give her own unique interpretation

0:01:29 > 0:01:31of the beginnings of some famous songs,

0:01:31 > 0:01:36while comedian Tony Law will be guessing which of five grown men is '90s percussionist Pablo Cook.

0:01:36 > 0:01:40As if that weren't enough, we have New Zealand funnyman Jared Christmas

0:01:40 > 0:01:42remembering the words to pop songs of old,

0:01:42 > 0:01:44and Professor Green will be making a souffle.

0:01:50 > 0:01:54Now, then. I know what Buzzcocks is like, so I brought some things with me

0:01:54 > 0:01:57just to make sure things don't get out of hand.

0:01:57 > 0:01:58This is the swear box.

0:01:58 > 0:02:01And also, I have this.

0:02:01 > 0:02:03AUDIENCE: Oooh!

0:02:03 > 0:02:06If anybody's out of line, you get spanked.

0:02:06 > 0:02:10Could you pass the box over, please, Lorraine?

0:02:10 > 0:02:12If I stick a 20 in now.

0:02:12 > 0:02:16You know, we just fucking put that in there.

0:02:16 > 0:02:19Now, I don't want to be forced to use this.

0:02:19 > 0:02:23I don't even swear, but I'm going to be swearing tonight.

0:02:23 > 0:02:26We are going to start with round one, which is

0:02:26 > 0:02:28Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

0:02:28 > 0:02:31Noel's team, have a look at this.

0:02:31 > 0:02:35He was recently told by the president of Haiti that he

0:02:35 > 0:02:38was one of the Haitians that makes him proud.

0:02:38 > 0:02:40Him and, er... I'll get back to you.

0:02:40 > 0:02:43It's Haitian rap man Wyclef Jean.

0:02:43 > 0:02:45# Anything can happen, man.

0:02:45 > 0:02:47# Say what, say what? Anything can happen #

0:02:47 > 0:02:50Now, that was Wyclef with Anything Can Happen.

0:02:50 > 0:02:53But which of these objects caused Wyclef to break his hand?

0:02:53 > 0:02:55You've got them underneath there.

0:02:56 > 0:03:00- We've got Christmas decorations. - For the Jew.- Yes.

0:03:01 > 0:03:05- I don't even know what these are. - We've got a Punch and Judy.

0:03:05 > 0:03:10- And we've got a vuvuzela.- That horn actually goes with your outfit.

0:03:10 > 0:03:15- You should mill about town with that. You look brilliant.- There you go!

0:03:15 > 0:03:18That's really good.

0:03:21 > 0:03:24I'm too old for TopShop? Get outta here!

0:03:24 > 0:03:27I'll summon my... men.

0:03:29 > 0:03:32HUNTING CALL

0:03:32 > 0:03:33To TopShop!

0:03:37 > 0:03:41- So, what do we think?- He broke his hand?- He broke his hand.

0:03:41 > 0:03:47And the true story about that is he was stuck in a traffic jam. Yeah.

0:03:50 > 0:03:54And the horn on his automobile he was driving at that moment

0:03:54 > 0:03:56was not working, and luckily,

0:03:56 > 0:03:59he had just been to see a football match

0:03:59 > 0:04:02with South Africans in there,

0:04:02 > 0:04:06and he got that out, and he went, "Hey, you're in my way!"

0:04:06 > 0:04:09HORN BLARES

0:04:09 > 0:04:12The trouble is, there was a hunt on nearby,

0:04:12 > 0:04:15and he also has a pet fox in the back,

0:04:15 > 0:04:19and he was set upon by 1,100...hounds.

0:04:19 > 0:04:21Wow.

0:04:21 > 0:04:26He was like, bah, biff! For ages. "Argh, I've broken my hand."

0:04:27 > 0:04:30- He fended off loads of the, er... - Hounds.- Hounds.

0:04:31 > 0:04:36- That could have happened, easily. - Maybe Christmas fell on him.

0:04:39 > 0:04:43I'm loving this show this week, because I'm usually the weird one.

0:04:44 > 0:04:47This is Team Abstract.

0:04:47 > 0:04:49- What about these people?- Yes.

0:04:51 > 0:04:53Oh. He's had a stroke.

0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Oh, it's all moist in here. - Sorry about that.

0:05:05 > 0:05:07It's been a long afternoon.

0:05:10 > 0:05:13I just think they're disgusting. Who designed them?

0:05:13 > 0:05:18Thousands of years of puppeting tradition destroyed in a few words.

0:05:18 > 0:05:21Do you think that Wyclef did anything with those?

0:05:21 > 0:05:27Maybe he just was so sick of Christmas, he punched his Christmas tree and...

0:05:29 > 0:05:34He punched his Christmas tree, and then his Christmas tree got him in a headlock.

0:05:34 > 0:05:37Oh, my God, Stacey has spent so long today with Noel and Tony,

0:05:37 > 0:05:41she's got secondary weird. I can't wait for her next album.

0:05:41 > 0:05:44I haven't even had a first one!

0:05:51 > 0:05:53Hang on.

0:05:55 > 0:05:58Sorry, my bra strap's come undone.

0:05:58 > 0:05:59CHEERING

0:05:59 > 0:06:04Ladies and gentlemen, press red buttons now.

0:06:04 > 0:06:08- Sorry about that.- You couldn't possibly draw any more attention to your tits.

0:06:08 > 0:06:12- I'm sorry, Noel.- I'm trying not to look, I'm trying to be a gentleman!

0:06:12 > 0:06:14I'm just going to get my phone out in a minute.

0:06:14 > 0:06:17- STACEY:- It's got to be the horn, innit?

0:06:20 > 0:06:24You're one of the weirdest people I've ever met. But I like it.

0:06:24 > 0:06:29Do you want to come round my house? We all live together, anyway.

0:06:29 > 0:06:33- In this box. - We get in through this.

0:06:36 > 0:06:39I can't do it when you're looking.

0:06:39 > 0:06:42I'd like to apologise to anyone watching who may be in rehab.

0:06:42 > 0:06:44Good luck with that!

0:06:47 > 0:06:52- So, what are we saying? Which object?- Tinsel. - Some toast fell on him.

0:06:52 > 0:06:57I think the best answer was Christmas fell on him. That's the answer.

0:06:57 > 0:07:00You're absolutely right.

0:07:03 > 0:07:05Yes, indeed, Wyclef once broke his hand

0:07:05 > 0:07:08while helping his wife with Christmas decorations.

0:07:08 > 0:07:11Wyclef doesn't normally get involved at Christmas.

0:07:11 > 0:07:15He usually shows up in the middle, does some rapping and leaves the rest to Lauryn Hill.

0:07:15 > 0:07:18In 2011, Wyclef...

0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Don't do that Mr Punch! That's an antique!- I'm sorry.

0:07:22 > 0:07:25No, that's a spanking. Come on! That's abuse.

0:07:25 > 0:07:27AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:07:27 > 0:07:29Bend over.

0:07:35 > 0:07:40- Very naughty.- Wow.- Now, you know what you did. Just think on.

0:07:40 > 0:07:43I'm trying not to say something sexual.

0:07:43 > 0:07:46Because if you said that it's like saying it to your mum?

0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Is that what it's like? Talking to me about rude things?- No...

0:07:51 > 0:07:53You're not like a mum.

0:07:53 > 0:07:56- You're fit.- Thank you!

0:07:56 > 0:08:00- My mum's pretty fit as well. - Good. I don't want to know.

0:08:00 > 0:08:03Phill's team, have a wee look at this.

0:08:05 > 0:08:08Time magazine recently voted her the seventh most influential

0:08:08 > 0:08:10woman in the world.

0:08:10 > 0:08:13Just after Joe McElderry and that woman who threw a cat in the bin.

0:08:13 > 0:08:16It's singing sensation Susan Boyle.

0:08:16 > 0:08:19# Oh, such a perfect day

0:08:19 > 0:08:23# You just keep me hanging on. #

0:08:25 > 0:08:27That was Susan Boyle with Perfect Day.

0:08:27 > 0:08:33But which of the objects under your desk caused Susan a bit of a mischief?

0:08:33 > 0:08:39Was it a pineapple tart, a remote control car or wax strips?

0:08:39 > 0:08:42What do we think?

0:08:42 > 0:08:45Hang on. Let's just see if this...

0:08:45 > 0:08:47Hey, watch the wax strips.

0:08:47 > 0:08:49I'm trying to avoid the cake.

0:08:49 > 0:08:53Oh, go, go, go, go! That's good.

0:09:00 > 0:09:05That's a great image. It looked like a pixie getting scared by modern technology.

0:09:05 > 0:09:09- A giant pixie in a real car. - She doesn't look like the type of lady that waxes.

0:09:09 > 0:09:12A mate of mine waxed me and it's not grown back.

0:09:14 > 0:09:18I think she probably waxed her forearms and face.

0:09:18 > 0:09:22How much trouble could she have got into with a tart?

0:09:22 > 0:09:26- She could have spilt it down her top. It could have landed on her bosom.- Right.

0:09:26 > 0:09:30And she didn't know. She went out in public and everyone said, "You've got a tart on your tit."

0:09:30 > 0:09:37- That's not really harming her. SuBo was harmed.- That's pain.

0:09:37 > 0:09:40When you get professionally waxed, they use hot wax.

0:09:40 > 0:09:44- You seem to know a lot about it. - I had my legs waxed, man!

0:09:44 > 0:09:46- Are you smooth now, like a runway? - No.

0:09:46 > 0:09:49You actually look quite like SuBo!

0:09:51 > 0:09:54He's even got his glasses off!

0:09:57 > 0:10:01That's amazing! I mean it in a caring way.

0:10:01 > 0:10:04- It was wax. - It was wax, you are saying.

0:10:04 > 0:10:06Well, you are absolutely...

0:10:06 > 0:10:08- wrong.- Argh!

0:10:08 > 0:10:12Because, in 2010, a young mother had to race to SuBo's rescue

0:10:12 > 0:10:16when she saw her choking on a pineapple tart

0:10:16 > 0:10:18in a Scottish supermarket.

0:10:18 > 0:10:21An investigation was immediately launched

0:10:21 > 0:10:25on how fruit made it into a Scottish supermarket!

0:10:27 > 0:10:30It's the second time Susan Boyle has been nearly choked to death.

0:10:30 > 0:10:34The first time was when Simon Cowell told her he was engaged...

0:10:34 > 0:10:36to a woman.

0:10:38 > 0:10:42If you fancy trying to get waxed at home, it is very easy.

0:10:42 > 0:10:45I can give you a wee demonstration. Here's how best to do it.

0:10:45 > 0:10:49Phill, do you want to get waxed? You have to lie down.

0:10:49 > 0:10:53I have to do this properly. This won't hurt.

0:10:53 > 0:10:54Much!

0:10:54 > 0:10:57You have really hairy wee legs.

0:10:57 > 0:10:59"Hairy wee legs"?

0:10:59 > 0:11:02WOLF WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE Steady!

0:11:02 > 0:11:07You have to warm the strips up and then undo it like that.

0:11:07 > 0:11:11This is going to really hurt. Best...episode...ever!

0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Then you have to put that down here and press.- Really press.

0:11:16 > 0:11:20- Then drip it off in one movement. - Again!

0:11:25 > 0:11:28- You're hardcore. - You're half-right!

0:11:29 > 0:11:33- Do you want me to do that wee bit?- Go away!

0:11:33 > 0:11:36All right, you're a good sport, you are.

0:11:39 > 0:11:41Yargh-h-h-hh-!

0:11:46 > 0:11:49I'm pretty sure I am in the wrong studio.

0:11:51 > 0:11:55So, when they do the back, sack and crack, the sack bit...

0:11:55 > 0:11:59I always wondered about that. Do you hold yourself or someone else?

0:11:59 > 0:12:02You hold it and they pull it.

0:12:02 > 0:12:05How far do think a scrotum stretches?!

0:12:07 > 0:12:09Do you want me to do it to you?

0:12:09 > 0:12:13Maybe later! I'll put your name on it.

0:12:15 > 0:12:17And that is the end of round one.

0:12:17 > 0:12:21If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this round,

0:12:21 > 0:12:23you can visit our website:

0:12:23 > 0:12:27www.boohoohoo.co.uk.

0:12:30 > 0:12:33At the end of that round, Noel's team have one point,

0:12:33 > 0:12:35Phill, nothing.

0:12:41 > 0:12:43Next up, it's the Intros Round.

0:12:43 > 0:12:48Phill and Professor Green, here are yours for Jarred.

0:12:48 > 0:12:52- I am so pumped and ready for this bit.- Good, good. Good.

0:12:52 > 0:12:55# Let-let-let, do-do

0:12:55 > 0:12:59# Do-do-do, duh-duh-doo

0:13:02 > 0:13:04# Do-do-do

0:13:04 > 0:13:07# Duh-duh-doo-da-da-da. #

0:13:07 > 0:13:11Boom Shake The Room, Fresh Prince Jazzy Jeff?

0:13:11 > 0:13:15# Do-do-do

0:13:15 > 0:13:17# Duh-duh-doo-da-da-da. #

0:13:17 > 0:13:19Backstreet Boys, Everybody?

0:13:19 > 0:13:23# Do-do-do, duh-duh-doo-da-da-da. #

0:13:25 > 0:13:28The Muppets intro?

0:13:28 > 0:13:32No, no, that's enough guesses. You've had far too many guesses.

0:13:32 > 0:13:34Control the fun.

0:13:34 > 0:13:38- Noel, baby, what do you think? - Is it Santana.

0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Yes, what's the name of the song? - Oh, shit.

0:13:44 > 0:13:47- Here is a clue. Take the rough with the...- Smooth!- Shut it!

0:13:47 > 0:13:51- It's Smooth by Santana. - Shut it or you'll get spanked.

0:13:52 > 0:13:55Noel, you're absolutely right. Well done.

0:13:55 > 0:13:57Here is how it should have sounded.

0:13:57 > 0:14:01# INTRO: Smooth by Santana.

0:14:04 > 0:14:06Sorry.

0:14:06 > 0:14:09I'm having terrible trouble. I'll be right back!

0:14:11 > 0:14:14APPLAUSE

0:14:17 > 0:14:20I'll be Lorraine Kelly, it's easy.

0:14:20 > 0:14:23Oh shit, my bra's exploded!

0:14:25 > 0:14:26Who wants a spanking?

0:14:31 > 0:14:32- I'll be Phill.- OK.

0:14:35 > 0:14:37I'll be a tit.

0:14:39 > 0:14:41I'll be the cameraman.

0:14:43 > 0:14:46SCOTTISH ACCENT: Here's how it should have soonded!

0:14:46 > 0:14:48Ooh, noo!

0:15:01 > 0:15:05Sorry about that. OK, this is a chance to redeem yourself.

0:15:05 > 0:15:09- It had better be the happy birthday song.- What's the intro to that?

0:15:09 > 0:15:11There isn't one!

0:15:12 > 0:15:14That's the way it goes.

0:15:14 > 0:15:18# Da-da-da-da Happy birthday... #

0:15:18 > 0:15:20You'd never get it!

0:15:28 > 0:15:29Here we go, here we go.

0:15:29 > 0:15:32Please, please let me get this.

0:15:33 > 0:15:36- I really want it so bad. - It's not a real quiz.

0:15:36 > 0:15:38One, two, three, four...

0:15:38 > 0:15:44# Dow-dow-dow-now-now-now-now-now Dow-dow-dow-now-now-now-now-now. #

0:15:44 > 0:15:46Ross, Rachel, the other ones.

0:15:46 > 0:15:50- Friends! The Rembrandts, the Friends theme tune?- Which is called?

0:15:50 > 0:15:53The Friends theme tune!

0:15:56 > 0:15:59Sing it, sing it.

0:15:59 > 0:16:03- This too much pressure now. - Sing it, sing it.

0:16:05 > 0:16:08- I remember that bit. - It's not the title, it couldn't be!

0:16:08 > 0:16:11The Rembrandts. I'll Be There For You!

0:16:11 > 0:16:13APPLAUSE

0:16:31 > 0:16:34I don't know how to get down.

0:16:41 > 0:16:44That was very good. You redeemed yourself, well done.

0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Thank you, Lorraine.- This though is how it should have sounded.

0:16:47 > 0:16:50# INTRO: I'll Be There For You by The Rembrandts

0:16:52 > 0:16:56# So no-one told you life was going to be this way... #

0:16:59 > 0:17:03That was The Rembrandts with I'll Be There For You.

0:17:03 > 0:17:05There's a new Rembrandts album, imagine that.

0:17:05 > 0:17:08Well, you'll have to because there isn't!

0:17:09 > 0:17:12We also heard Santana with Smooth.

0:17:12 > 0:17:16In 2006, Santana released his own signature fragrance.

0:17:16 > 0:17:20I think I could live for a thousand years without ever saying to my lovely husband,

0:17:20 > 0:17:23"Why can't you smell more like Carlos Santana?"

0:17:25 > 0:17:28Right, Noel and Stacey, here are yours for Tony.

0:17:28 > 0:17:30Good luck.

0:17:32 > 0:17:34# Jum-jum-jum-jum

0:17:34 > 0:17:36# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do

0:17:36 > 0:17:40# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do

0:17:40 > 0:17:43# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do

0:17:43 > 0:17:46# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do... #

0:17:46 > 0:17:52I don't know any other bit than that! You might not know it though.

0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Do you know it?- Of course I know it, I've got the card!

0:17:54 > 0:17:56LAUGHTER

0:17:57 > 0:18:01- I don't think you'll know it. - You're right, I'm not going to!

0:18:01 > 0:18:03You don't know it, baby, no? Give us a wee guess.

0:18:03 > 0:18:06Happy frickin' birthday...

0:18:06 > 0:18:09by some man in the 1200s.

0:18:09 > 0:18:12You're so close, a thousand years later...

0:18:12 > 0:18:152200 in the future.

0:18:15 > 0:18:18- I really don't know.- Phill, have you got any idea?- Anything?

0:18:18 > 0:18:20You'd definitely know.

0:18:20 > 0:18:24Kickstarts... # And the love kickstarts again. #

0:18:24 > 0:18:27It is. Well done.

0:18:27 > 0:18:29That's absolutely right.

0:18:29 > 0:18:33Kickstarts by Example and this is how it should have sounded.

0:18:33 > 0:18:37# INTRO: Kickstarts by Example.

0:18:50 > 0:18:52- Right, next one.- OK, here we go.

0:18:52 > 0:18:56- Doom, doom, doom, doom. - # Da na na na now!

0:18:56 > 0:19:00- # Da na na na now! - Doom, doom, doom, doom.

0:19:00 > 0:19:03# Da na na na na na na na

0:19:03 > 0:19:05# Da na na na na na na na... #

0:19:05 > 0:19:07Oh, it's, um...

0:19:07 > 0:19:09It's Roy Or Bison.

0:19:09 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER

0:19:10 > 0:19:13Pretty...Hooman.

0:19:14 > 0:19:15I love that song.

0:19:15 > 0:19:18Well done, well done, you're absolutely right.

0:19:18 > 0:19:22I enjoyed listening to that when I was panning for gold.

0:19:24 > 0:19:27- I think you might be my favourite. - All right!

0:19:27 > 0:19:31Roy Orbison, and Pretty Woman. Here's how it should have sounded.

0:19:31 > 0:19:33INTRO PLAYS

0:19:33 > 0:19:35- That was exactly it. - It was very good.

0:19:38 > 0:19:40# Ba da da da da da da da... #

0:19:45 > 0:19:48# Pretty woman... #

0:19:48 > 0:19:52We also heard Example, with Kickstarts. At the age of 12,

0:19:52 > 0:19:56Example entered his first rap battle at a house party in Shepherd's Bush.

0:19:56 > 0:20:01In his words, he "completely destroyed a useless wanker".

0:20:01 > 0:20:05He was so excited, he totally forgot to pick up his party bag.

0:20:05 > 0:20:06I don't understand that, though.

0:20:06 > 0:20:09What is that? What do you do when you battle rap?

0:20:09 > 0:20:12You basically take the piss out of someone, but make it rhyme.

0:20:12 > 0:20:14Let's do it now.

0:20:14 > 0:20:16Did you not rap in that Pot Noodle advert? You rapped.

0:20:16 > 0:20:20I love Pot Noodles, by the way. Just thought I'd let you know.

0:20:20 > 0:20:25- I can hook you up. What's your favourite?- Chicken and mushroom, or the yellow curry one.

0:20:25 > 0:20:29- What about beef and tomato? - Ugh, what the hell? Reject!

0:20:29 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:34 > 0:20:36So when you're laying down the battle rap,

0:20:36 > 0:20:39- do you get in trouble if you don't rhyme?- A bit.

0:20:39 > 0:20:41When you do it good, are they like "Yeah! Raah!"

0:20:43 > 0:20:48- Yeah.- They touch the sides of an invisible shape. "Yeah! Rah!"

0:20:50 > 0:20:54What was your best slam, when people went "Whoa!"?

0:20:54 > 0:20:57- I battled a girl once.- Oh. - Yeah, I know, I did feel horrible.

0:20:57 > 0:21:00But she said I had an STD,

0:21:00 > 0:21:02and I said "Battling me, you are dumb.

0:21:02 > 0:21:04"You haven't got an STD, bitch, you are one."

0:21:04 > 0:21:06Oh!

0:21:06 > 0:21:08You called her a bitch!

0:21:15 > 0:21:17And at the end of that round,

0:21:17 > 0:21:21Noel's team has three. Phill's team has two.

0:21:27 > 0:21:29Round three is the Identity Parade.

0:21:29 > 0:21:33Phill, Professor Green and Jarred, do you fancy some R&B?

0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Do we ever, Lorraine? - Good! For the audience only,

0:21:36 > 0:21:37here is Kele Le Roc.

0:21:37 > 0:21:42# ..Lie on a summer's day Looking at the sky

0:21:42 > 0:21:48# And dance with you in the rain That would be so nice

0:21:48 > 0:21:52# And when the sun sets and the sand is warm

0:21:52 > 0:21:55# We can make love

0:21:55 > 0:21:59# Shower you with kisses... #

0:21:59 > 0:22:01Well, that was Kele Le Roc with My Love,

0:22:01 > 0:22:03but which of our line-up is Ms Le Roc?

0:22:03 > 0:22:05Number one, My Love?

0:22:05 > 0:22:09Number two, Fifteen-Love?

0:22:09 > 0:22:12Number three, Get Your Coat, Love?

0:22:12 > 0:22:16Number four, Strange Love?

0:22:16 > 0:22:20Number Five, I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won't Do That,

0:22:20 > 0:22:23Even If It Is Your Birthday?

0:22:23 > 0:22:24What do we think?

0:22:24 > 0:22:28- I've got something. - What are you going to try?- Kele!

0:22:28 > 0:22:29Kele!

0:22:29 > 0:22:31Kele!

0:22:31 > 0:22:32Oh, she's good.

0:22:32 > 0:22:36- Prof? Thoughts.- I've got an idea.

0:22:36 > 0:22:39Is it...broadcastable?

0:22:39 > 0:22:41I've got another idea.

0:22:45 > 0:22:48- What do you think, guys? Any idea? - Number three.

0:22:48 > 0:22:52Let's find out. Would the real Kele Le Roc please step forward?

0:22:54 > 0:22:56Yes! Well done.

0:22:58 > 0:23:02Well done. And now with a new single out called SYD,

0:23:02 > 0:23:05it's Kele Le Roc, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful woman.

0:23:10 > 0:23:15Now, then, Noel, Stacey and Tony, what about some techno dance?

0:23:15 > 0:23:17For the audience only, here's The Grid.

0:23:38 > 0:23:41Well, that was of course The Grid, with Rollercoaster.

0:23:41 > 0:23:45But which of our line-up is percussionist Pablo Cook?

0:23:45 > 0:23:47Is it number one, Rollercoaster?

0:23:47 > 0:23:51Number two, Roll Over?

0:23:51 > 0:23:54Number three, Role Of A Lifetime?

0:23:54 > 0:23:58Number four, Roland From Grange Hill?

0:23:58 > 0:24:02Or number five, Ate My Last Rolo, The Bastard?

0:24:02 > 0:24:04What do we think, then?

0:24:04 > 0:24:08- Have a wee go.- Number four's quite happy just to be here.

0:24:08 > 0:24:10Number four looks like he's going

0:24:10 > 0:24:13to catch his food with a stick in the ocean!

0:24:13 > 0:24:15You mean a fishing rod.

0:24:16 > 0:24:17Have you seen that programme

0:24:17 > 0:24:20with David Attenborough when they go fishing? They're like...

0:24:20 > 0:24:23..in this hole!

0:24:23 > 0:24:25That's who he reminds me of, that man.

0:24:25 > 0:24:28- What's three listening to? - He's blocking out this round.

0:24:28 > 0:24:33- Yeah. I think it's number one.- He's looking at us with total disdain.

0:24:33 > 0:24:36It's number one, because he's the shortest.

0:24:36 > 0:24:40I think it's five, because he's the tallest.

0:24:40 > 0:24:44- What do you think?- Shall we say one? - Let's go one.- Let's go one.

0:24:44 > 0:24:47Let's find out. Would the real Pablo Cook please step forward?

0:24:49 > 0:24:50Oh!

0:24:50 > 0:24:52Yeah!

0:24:57 > 0:25:01Now writing and producing new material, Pablo Cook,

0:25:01 > 0:25:03ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Pablo.

0:25:08 > 0:25:11At the end of that round, Noel's team has three.

0:25:11 > 0:25:14And Phill's team has three.

0:25:21 > 0:25:23So, we end with Guess The Next Line.

0:25:23 > 0:25:27It's a draw, so Phill, I think you should go first.

0:25:27 > 0:25:28Here we go.

0:25:28 > 0:25:31I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more...

0:25:31 > 0:25:35# To be the man who walked a thousand miles

0:25:35 > 0:25:37# To fall down at your door. #

0:25:37 > 0:25:39Correct. The Proclaimers, and 500 Miles.

0:25:39 > 0:25:42Tell our enemies that they may take our lives...

0:25:42 > 0:25:46But they won't take our freedom!

0:25:47 > 0:25:49That was really good!

0:25:49 > 0:25:53That was of course William Wallace from the movie Braveheart.

0:25:53 > 0:25:55Mel Gibson before he went weird.

0:25:55 > 0:25:59And you will see the finest in the city of Dundee...

0:25:59 > 0:26:00No, you won't.

0:26:03 > 0:26:05- You will.- Dundee's a good biscuit.

0:26:05 > 0:26:07It's a cake, you daft bugger.

0:26:07 > 0:26:09It's a cake?

0:26:09 > 0:26:11It's a big giant cake full of booze.

0:26:11 > 0:26:15Are you sure you're not confusing that with a relative?

0:26:15 > 0:26:17You know my family!

0:26:17 > 0:26:20Dreaming of a white Christmas...

0:26:20 > 0:26:22That's a bit racist.

0:26:28 > 0:26:30Just like the ones I used to know, Lorraine Kelly,

0:26:30 > 0:26:32you terrible racist.

0:26:32 > 0:26:36It's "Just like the ones..."

0:26:36 > 0:26:38What a way to find out, on a pop quiz.

0:26:38 > 0:26:41- I know. I've been outed. - END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:26:45 > 0:26:51OK. Noel's team, you need three points to win.

0:26:51 > 0:26:53Give me your heart and make it real...

0:26:53 > 0:26:57# Give me your heart and make it real, or else forget about it. #

0:26:57 > 0:26:59That's right. Santana, Smooth.

0:26:59 > 0:27:01SHE IMITATES GUITAR

0:27:01 > 0:27:03I love that one.

0:27:03 > 0:27:04I fought the law...

0:27:04 > 0:27:06And they won!

0:27:06 > 0:27:09- I fought the law, and the law won. - That's right.

0:27:09 > 0:27:13If my surname's Law and I fought the Law, then I won.

0:27:14 > 0:27:16I know.

0:27:16 > 0:27:20Stacey, this is for you. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain...

0:27:20 > 0:27:23What the hell?

0:27:23 > 0:27:28- And the water in Majorca...- Cheers. - Doesn't taste like it oughta.

0:27:28 > 0:27:31And the water in Majorca don't taste like what it oughta.

0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Happy?- That'll do.

0:27:34 > 0:27:37I think we just might have won this quiz.

0:27:37 > 0:27:39END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:27:45 > 0:27:48OK. Well, Phill's team have got five points.

0:27:48 > 0:27:50Noel's team have got six,

0:27:50 > 0:27:53which of course means Noel's team are the winners.

0:27:53 > 0:27:57- Congratulations! Hooray! - CHEERING

0:27:57 > 0:27:59Well done.

0:27:59 > 0:28:01Well done.

0:28:02 > 0:28:06Thanks to Phill, Professor Green and Jarred,

0:28:06 > 0:28:09Noel, Stacey and Tony.

0:28:09 > 0:28:13This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I've been Lorraine Kelly.

0:28:13 > 0:28:14Join me on my show tomorrow,

0:28:14 > 0:28:17when I'll be talking to John McCririck about anal bleaching.

0:28:17 > 0:28:18Good night.

0:28:19 > 0:28:23# And I would walk 500 miles

0:28:23 > 0:28:26# And I would walk 500 more

0:28:26 > 0:28:31# Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles

0:28:31 > 0:28:34# To fall down at your door... #

0:28:38 > 0:28:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:41 > 0:28:45e-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:28:49 > 0:28:52(NOEL) Can I just say that I'm in love with my own team?