0:00:03 > 0:00:07Are you talking to me? I'm talking to you.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10I'm a lion. No, I'm a tiger.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12I'm a liger.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15You ready for me, Buzzcocks? Are you ready for Will Young?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17RARRRR! Come on!
0:00:17 > 0:00:21Maybe we should come back in ten minutes?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- You're naughty! - WILL GIGGLES
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Oh! Who's the daddy?
0:00:27 > 0:00:32This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Hello, and welcome to the show.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02On Phill's team tonight,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05she's a permanent fixture on The X Factor,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08just like Louis Walsh's bewildered look,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11it's '80s pop star and keeper of Simon Cowell's secrets,
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- Sinitta! - APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:23He's a comedian who once performed a 36-hour-straight gig,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26so he's well prepared for tonight's show recording,
0:01:26 > 0:01:27it's Mark Watson.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:35And on Noel's team tonight,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37he's a successful DJ and record producer,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40and he's doing incredibly well, considering he's only two and half.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42It's Toddla T.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:48# To you and me, baby
0:01:48 > 0:01:50# Sweet memories, baby... #
0:01:51 > 0:01:55He's a comedian famed for his kooky and outlandish dress sense
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and his surreal comic outlook.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01We thought we'd get a spare in case Noel breaks. It's Paul Foot.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Before we get started, I think we should all know
0:02:08 > 0:02:11a little more about me. As well as being a pop star,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15I'm also an amateur ornithologist and twitcher, which is true.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Basically, I love birds and I love to draw birds,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20so I brought one to show you.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22This is one of my drawings.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Wow, is that an emu?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27No, it's actually a helmeted guinea fowl,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- which are indigenous to Africa. - Is this really happening?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Has this been discussed beforehand?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34No, I just thought I'd bring them along.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Damn it, I had a shit-hot picture of an ostrich and I haven't brought it.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Since I'm sharing, would any of you like to share
0:02:39 > 0:02:42anything that perhaps the audience don't know? Sinitta?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Interesting hobbies?- Yeah.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48I practise Tweeting with my left hand, so I don't get funny...
0:02:48 > 0:02:52I do the same thing, but with something different.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I love drawing, so we start with a round called Pop Goes The Easel.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Our team captains will pick a story about a music star
0:02:59 > 0:03:02and they have to relay that story to their teams
0:03:02 > 0:03:04through the medium of drawing.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Noel's team, you're up first, so, Noel, come and pick up an envelope.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- I have three for you to choose from.- Thanks.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13You've chosen number two.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Have a look and take your place by the blackboard.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18For the audience at home, here is that story.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21If you don't want to know, look away now.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Well, that's easy(!)
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Look at me, I'm like the weirdest Rolf Harris you've ever seen.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Good view of that jumper.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42All right! Look at your tie, it doubles up as a cheese board.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Any idea who that is?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- He's sitting at some...- Drums?- Yeah!
0:03:50 > 0:03:51I can give you a clue -
0:03:51 > 0:03:56he appeared in a famous video with Pamela Anderson.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- Tommy Lee.- Yes! OK. Well, that's the easy bit.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Just say what you see.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Is that a feather?- Yeah. - A feather and a book.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07In a vacuum, they would both fall at the same speed.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11He did an experiment to show that, without air resistance,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14everything falls with the same gravitational acceleration.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15What did he write?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17The Bible?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- He wrote a...- A letter? - Yeah, see, it's not that difficult!
0:04:21 > 0:04:25You went to Oxford, what are you playing at?!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I didn't study all this stuff, did I?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30In Paul's defence, Noel, they are allowed to use words
0:04:30 > 0:04:35when they do lectures at Oxford, rather than just drawing.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38OK. Right, so he wrote a letter to...
0:04:38 > 0:04:42To the sea. He wrote a letter to the ocean saying, "Dear Ocean,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"please stop getting bigger and bigger and swallowing up
0:04:45 > 0:04:46"those Pacific islands.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50"You cover two thirds of the world, that's enough."
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- You're very close. He wrote a letter to...- Sea World?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- He wrote to Sea World. - And what did he write about?
0:04:57 > 0:05:01He wrote about the fact that they keep dolphins and don't look after them properly.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- Something bigger than a dolphin. - Whale?- What kind of whale?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Blue whale.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09It's a...whale.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Killer whale.- Yes!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Why has he got a big penis? It wasn't how it kills people, is it?
0:05:15 > 0:05:20I never knew that. You learn something all the time!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Tommy Lee wrote a letter to Sea World
0:05:23 > 0:05:26about a killer whale and what?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- Oh, that's a pool. - That's a cow's vagina.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- What, it's got two holes? - It went wrong.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36That's the first time I've ever seen anyone on a TV show
0:05:36 > 0:05:39go wrong trying to draw a cow's vagina.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Is it ejaculating or having a wee?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43- It's coming.- Yeah!
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Into...a vagina?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Yes, that's it!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:51 > 0:05:54The worrying thing is, you were kind of right.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Earlier this year, Tommy Lee wrote an angry letter to Sea World,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59complaining about the way
0:05:59 > 0:06:01they artificially inseminate killer whales.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05He claimed they obtained sperm by forcibly masturbating males
0:06:05 > 0:06:07using a cow's vagina.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Pretty easy to draw that, isn't it?!
0:06:11 > 0:06:12In 2011, Tommy Lee revealed
0:06:12 > 0:06:16he knew he could never keep up with Ozzy Osbourne's crazy antics
0:06:16 > 0:06:19when he caught the wild man of rock smearing his own excrement
0:06:19 > 0:06:21on the walls of his hotel room. If you think that's bad,
0:06:21 > 0:06:25you should try sharing a dressing room with Dame Judy Dench.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I thought that was very good.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I couldn't even have explained that in words.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33You could have brought Tommy Lee in here and a cow's vagina
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and I still would have had trouble explaining that concept.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40How did he know? Maybe he plots them on a chart - like, position of killer whales
0:06:40 > 0:06:44and positions of cow's vagina and sees when they go near each other.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47He's got an alarm when they get too close. "WHAA! WHAA!"
0:06:47 > 0:06:50And he writes a letter. I've read his book, I mean,
0:06:50 > 0:06:51how did he write a letter?!
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Phill's team, you're up next. Please come and pick an envelope.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- Oh.- That one, that one, that one.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Phill's chosen story number three, so please take to the floor,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10and for the audience, here is the story.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12If you don't want to know, look away now.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Remember, it's the person that the story relates to first,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22and then the story.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Who has a ponytail like that? - Iggy Pop?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it Iggy Pop?- No.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Good, so we know it's not Iggy Pop.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32There's a particular hairstyle.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Oh, it's the bloke from Status Quo. - Ah!- Quite a girly name, I'd say.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Amanda.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I've just received a bit of help from Noel. It's Francis.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Francis Rossi of Status Quo.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- What do you think is happening? - Kissed a baby monkey?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51OK. We're building the elements, so we've got...
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- Francis Rossi of Status Quo kissed...- A baby...
0:07:54 > 0:07:58You know that he's kissed a baby and perhaps something has happened.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Normally you kiss someone and a baby is what happens afterwards.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Embryos.- They do look like embryos, or rice puddings.- Eggs.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07That is one of those things where you hit it
0:08:07 > 0:08:09and it tells you how strong you are.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Kissed a baby and had to have a sperm test
0:08:11 > 0:08:13because someone said she was pregnant.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Yeah, is it paternity?
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Are they germs?- Ah! - Yeah! Germs, germs.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Germs! I'm going to keep shouting "Germs" till we get points.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Kissed a baby...- With germs!
0:08:26 > 0:08:27- Yeah, and so...?- He got sick.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yes, that's it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31APPLAUSE
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Goodness. Visibly exhausted by standing up for that long!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37This is another true story.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40In 2004, Status Quo had to cancel a show in Plymouth
0:08:40 > 0:08:44after Francis Rossi - is the name -
0:08:44 > 0:08:47picked up a virus, kissing a baby at a signing.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51The band were really upset because they love playing in Plymouth.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Over there, they're only 20 years out of date.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58That was a little bit easier than Tommy Lee's Sea World
0:08:58 > 0:09:01cow-vagina odyssey that I had to draw!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03And at the end of that round,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Noel's team has two and Phill's team has two.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08APPLAUSE
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Next up, it's the Intros Round, and to mark it,
0:09:14 > 0:09:19- here is another drawing of a bird that I did.- He seems so delighted.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- Oh, what is that?- It's a white stork.- Why did you give it horns?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I actually started off drawing an antelope,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27and then I added on the stork.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Once you'd given it beak, you felt there was no way back.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I can give you an interesting fact about storks as well.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36They shit on their legs to keep themselves cool.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40It's not really cool though, is it? Not in that way.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43If anything, it can raise your overall temperature,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46because you feel a bit flustered when you've shat on your legs.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Noel and Paul, here are yours for Toddla T,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53and remember, it's the title of the song that we're after.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Oh, dear!
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Just thinking about Paul.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58The last thing he listened to was Ella Fitzgerald.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Who did you say your favourite is?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Bach.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Bach, and Sibelius is my second favourite.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- I don't know any of these ones. - Good luck!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Go on, go.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13# Chp, tsch, chp, tsch
0:10:13 > 0:10:17# Tsh, tsh, t-tsh, t-tsh, t-tsh, t-tsh
0:10:17 > 0:10:19# T-tsh, t-tsh... #
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I've lost my rhythm now!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Oh, no, I've got it.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25# Ta-tsh, ta-tsh, ta-WAH
0:10:25 > 0:10:27# Chp, tsh, chp, tsh
0:10:27 > 0:10:29# Chp, chp, chp, HAH
0:10:29 > 0:10:34# Be-dedum, bede-dedum, dede-dada
0:10:34 > 0:10:36# Bada-baba, baba-dadadam
0:10:36 > 0:10:38# Hoo-pow, doo-dow
0:10:38 > 0:10:40# Babada, mm-badada, baba-dadada
0:10:40 > 0:10:42# Hoo-cha
0:10:42 > 0:10:44# Baba-da, dada-dada
0:10:44 > 0:10:47# Ch-cha, ch-cha... #
0:10:47 > 0:10:49It's a bit boring, isn't it, the drum?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- It's just repetitive. I thought I'd add a bit to it.- Jazz it up.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54# Ch-cha, ch-cha... #
0:10:54 > 0:10:57It didn't make it much easier!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Is it an R'N'B song? Apart from him, obviously.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- No idea.- No ideas? Shall I throw it over to Phill's team?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07It's more based on Noel's input than Paul's,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09but I think it sounded a bit like Raspberry Beret.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- Correct. - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:11:14 > 0:11:16It was partly because of the way Noel did it,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19and it's famous for having a different rhythm
0:11:19 > 0:11:20each time you hear it.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24It's a very adaptable tune, I think. So many rhythms go with it.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- You were correct. Shall we hear how it actually goes?- Yes.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31MUSIC: "Raspberry Beret" by Prince
0:11:31 > 0:11:33# Ch, ch... #
0:11:33 > 0:11:34It's this bit.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36# HAH
0:11:38 > 0:11:39# HAH
0:11:42 > 0:11:43# HAH! #
0:11:46 > 0:11:50# I was workin' part time in a five-and-dime... #
0:11:50 > 0:11:53You can see what I was trying to do.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54It was the hand bit!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:11:59 > 0:12:01That was Prince with Raspberry Beret.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05In 2010, Prince wrote a song called Purple And Gold,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08inspired by a football game between Minnesota and Dallas.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09I can understand that -
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I once went to see Middlesbrough versus Bolton
0:12:12 > 0:12:14and wrote Leave Right Now.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Moving swiftly on, next one, please.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Right, in this one,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22try to look a little less like you're operating an imaginary train!
0:12:24 > 0:12:25You get a bit closer to him.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I think he's really getting a lot out of what you're doing!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30# Dz-ddz-dzdz-dz-dz-zah! #
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- That's in the song - it's in it! - That's the intro?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- Then you've got to do your bit.- Right.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39You can't just leave me like this. You're not supposed to leave me exposed, you know?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Can you wink so I know when to come in?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45I'll do this. When the silence gets a bit awkward, you start.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I'm worried this band could split up.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52This feels wrong, doing it like this. It feels like I'm...
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Not like a lap-dancer, like I'm a sort of lap...drummer.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00"Would you like a little...drum?"
0:13:00 > 0:13:03# Dzoo-dzoo-dzoo-RAH! #
0:13:03 > 0:13:04You're not supposed to laugh.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08You're supposed to be sexually excited by that.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09# Dsh-dsh-dsh, oo-rah
0:13:09 > 0:13:11# Dv-dv-dv-dv-dv-dv, nndv
0:13:11 > 0:13:12# Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
0:13:12 > 0:13:14# Lala doo doo doo doo
0:13:14 > 0:13:16# Lala doo doo doo doo
0:13:16 > 0:13:17# A-doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
0:13:17 > 0:13:19# Doodloodloo, tsch! #
0:13:19 > 0:13:23It's at the end. And then into the... main verse, I suppose.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- That is JUST the intro to the song. What a song!- What a song.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I mean, most people would be happy with that as the whole song.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Do you want to hazard a guess?
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Tinie Tempah, Pass Out.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37That's it. You got it.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40APPLAUSE
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Very well done.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Let's hear how it should have sounded.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48MUSIC: "Pass Out" by Tinie Tempah
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Where's your bit?!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52# Doo doo doo doo doo
0:13:52 > 0:13:53# Doo doo doo... #
0:13:53 > 0:13:54# Doo doo... #
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- You forgot that bit, didn't you? - Which bit?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Oh, I forgot that bit.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01# Yeah, yeah, we bring the stars out... #
0:14:01 > 0:14:02What was that?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05So, that was Tinie Tempah with Pass Out.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Tinie Tempah claims he once had sex in a cinema.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Stupid, really, cos he missed the bit where Schindler makes his list.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- I had sex in a Grundon bin once.- What?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18A what?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Grundon... You know, those large wheelie bins.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Now you're talking, Will!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Why have you kept this from us?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Those bloody pictures of birds - we could've started with this!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Did you bring the top down for a private moment?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"Let's get serious..."
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Phill and Sinitta, here are yours for Mark.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40And remember, it's the title of the song we're after. Thank you.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Beautiful Sinitta.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43# Eeeeeeeee
0:14:43 > 0:14:44# Eeur-ur
0:14:44 > 0:14:46# Ee-dur
0:14:46 > 0:14:47# Sssss
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- # Babadamananamanow - Dur-deh
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- # Dabadamananamanow - Dur-neh
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- # Dabadamananamanow - Wow-weh
0:14:53 > 0:14:54- # Dabadamananamanow - Mow-meh
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Is it The Killers' song Dabadamananamanow?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Is that your guess?- No.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- She wears quite slinky outfits.- Yes.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Does she? Oh, it's a sexy song.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Mmm.- You should have said! So the sort of thing you might listen to
0:15:08 > 0:15:11while getting with someone in a bin?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15When you were in the bin, Will, did you decorate the bin with,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18like, paintings of birds with the horns?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I had sex in a bottle bank once, cos I care about the planet.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Not about your local community, though. That ruined my evening.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Well, nearly every song these days is by Rihanna. Is it Rihanna?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It's a good guess, but it's not the right guess.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- So, Noel's team...? - Is it Sibelius's Third Symphony?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- It is actually Nicole...- Whoa, whoa! - Sorry.- MARK:- ..Scherzinger!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Don't throw it over and give it to the spaniel!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46He's not going to know, is he?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Might as well ask that envelope!
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- I've got a strong feeling it might be Nicole Scherzinger now.- Oh.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Based on the fact that you said "Nicole".
0:15:55 > 0:15:58You are right. And what's the song?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Is it Let's Have Loads Of Sex by Scherzinger?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02- The song's called Poison.- Ah!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05We should perhaps hear how it goes.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08MUSIC: "Poison" by Nicole Scherzinger
0:16:17 > 0:16:19That was Nicole Scherzinger with Poison.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22During Nicole's debut as a judge on the US X Factor,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25a man exposed himself to the judging panel.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Simon Cowell acted swiftly
0:16:26 > 0:16:30and put him straight through to the judges' houses.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Next one, please.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
0:16:34 > 0:16:37# Da-nana, da-nana-nana
0:16:37 > 0:16:40# Da-dana, da-naNA, da-nana-nana
0:16:40 > 0:16:42# Der-nerner
0:16:42 > 0:16:46# Der-nerner, der-nerner
0:16:46 > 0:16:48# Ner, NERR, ner... #
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Ooh, that was an E-flat there. Ooh!
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- How about a guess?- It sounded a lot like Bohemian Rhapsody to me.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I'm afraid that is incorrect. Noel's team.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Well, it sounded like a gavotte of some sort.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10# Da-dada, da-nana-nana...
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- ALL:- # Der-nerner, dada-nerner-nerner
0:17:13 > 0:17:14# Bom, bom, bom, bom
0:17:14 > 0:17:17# Der-nerner, der-nerner, nerr
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- # Doodloodloodloodl - Oi! #
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- Played at a lot at weddings. - The organ!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I'm going to Leave Right Now!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- "The organ"?! - You play it at weddings!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Was it The Organ?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30You are correct. It was indeed The Organ.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- No, it wasn't The Organ! - It wasn't The Organ!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35It was actually Neil Diamond, Sweet Caroline.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Shall we have a listen?
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- MUSIC: "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond - Oh, it is an organ!
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Ah.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Yeah.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46It's most definitely pop.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Is it pop?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# Where it began
0:17:54 > 0:17:56# I can't begin... #
0:17:56 > 0:17:58They did it well, but you don't normally hear the start,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01just the sing-along bit and someone vomits on your shoes.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02- # Sweet Caroline... #- Yeah.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- # Da-da, ohh... #- Exactly!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- # Good times... #- So when you said
0:18:07 > 0:18:09it plays at weddings, you mean later, not in the church?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10No, sorry.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Oh.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I see.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15At the end of that round,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Noel's team has three and Phill's team have three.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Phew! I'm getting hot under the collar
0:18:25 > 0:18:27and that's because it's Round Three,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30my favourite round, which is the Identity Parade.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32And this week, in honour of it being ten years
0:18:32 > 0:18:35since I won Pop Idol, it's a talent-show special.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37And Noel, Toddla T and Paul,
0:18:37 > 0:18:41how about some Popstars The Rivals auditionees?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43For the audience only, here are the Cheeky Girls.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45# We are the Cheeky Girls
0:18:45 > 0:18:47# We are the Cheeky Girls
0:18:47 > 0:18:49# You are the Cheeky Boys
0:18:49 > 0:18:50# You are the Cheeky Boys
0:18:50 > 0:18:52# We are the Cheeky Girls
0:18:52 > 0:18:54# We are the Cheeky Girls
0:18:54 > 0:18:56# You are the Cheeky Boys
0:18:56 > 0:18:58# You are the Cheeky Boys... #
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Cheeky, cheeky!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03That was the Cheeky Girls with Touch My Bum,
0:19:03 > 0:19:07but which of our line-up is Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Is it number one, Cheeky Girl?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Number two, Cheeky Chappie?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Number three, Cheeky Cow?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Number four, Cheeky One After The Show?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Or number five, Chico Time?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Have a guess.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30Did the Cheeky Girls disappear and then come back as Jedward?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Just different hairstyles!- Yeah.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36When you did your jokes, number three sort of laughed in the way
0:19:36 > 0:19:39that showed she was maybe not used to having jokes made.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- I don't think she's in show business. - Number three's got a cheeky stance.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Number three is like an accountant. When she heard the joke, "Oh, I've heard a joke.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48"I'm not used to it - normally,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51"I'm sitting there with my admin, sorting out the VAT.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53"Oh, I heard a joke, a bit of a laugh, you know, in the studio.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"A bit of fun, you know?"
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- Did one of them go out with a politician?- Lembit Opik. - He bought me two gin and tonics once.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Not in a gay way, just, you know...
0:20:01 > 0:20:04What, and you woke up in a bin?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08How do you buy someone a gin and tonic in a gay way?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10EFFEMINATE TONE: Oh, excuse me...
0:20:10 > 0:20:13LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:20:16 > 0:20:19"That's £2.50." Ooh, there you are!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Sounds like something out of Are You Being Served!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25How did Lembit Opik buy you a gin and tonic?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28AGGRESSIVE TONE: Oi, mate!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Gin and tonic for this bloke, right? There you are.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35There you have it, mate. Drink it up or I'll smash the glass in your face.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I'm off to have sex with a woman!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- GEEKILY:- "Oh, do you want a gin and tonic?"
0:20:49 > 0:20:51MUFFLED: "Oh, do you want a gin and tonic?"
0:20:51 > 0:20:53That's how a ventriloquist dummy would do it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55MUFFLED: "Oh, do you want a gin and tonic?"
0:20:55 > 0:20:57"Oh, yes, please, I'd love a gin and tonic!"
0:20:57 > 0:21:01We could actually do an act where you are my ventriloquist dummy.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Come on. Sit here.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07OK.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- You've got to speak, you fucking idiot.- Oh!
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I thought you were a genuine ventriloquist... Oh, I see.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23- Where do you think my hand is?!- So what you're saying is I just speak...
0:21:23 > 0:21:24- Yeah!- ..and you just sit there.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28That's the benefit of having a real person instead of a puppet!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- I see what you mean - that's the advantage.- Right, after three.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36MUFFLED: I don't think it's number five, cos she doesn't seem very interested in the proceedings.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39She was just looking away into the distance,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41thinking about her former lover from many years ago
0:21:41 > 0:21:45who betrayed her in the Seychelles.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Well, not really in the Seychelles.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49They were supposed to go to the Seychelles,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51but he abandoned her at Gatwick Airport.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55You've got such a bony arse, it's unbelievable!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Get off, cos your arse is boring a hole through my kneecap.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Back to the matter at hand.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Which one of the five is one of The Cheeky Girls?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Number four is quite tall for show business.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- I think it's number three. - You're going with number three?- Yes.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- Final answer?- Yeah. - OK, let's find out.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Would the real Gabriela please step forward?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Yeah!
0:22:19 > 0:22:23APPLAUSE
0:22:23 > 0:22:28Still being a cheeky girl, Gabriela Irimia, ladies and gentlemen.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Phill, Sinitta and Mark,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36what about some soul from an X Factor runner-up?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39For the audience only, here is Andy Abraham.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42# Please, please, you've got to make it clear
0:22:42 > 0:22:47- # Show me what's been going on - What's been going on
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# So get out of this place
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# And let's stand face to face
0:22:51 > 0:22:52# Need your love now
0:22:52 > 0:22:54# I can't bear to lose it all
0:22:54 > 0:22:56# So hang up
0:22:56 > 0:22:59# Baby, get over here
0:22:59 > 0:23:03# Tell me what's been going on... #
0:23:03 > 0:23:05That was Andy Abraham with Hang Up,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09but which of our line-up is Andy Abraham?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Is it number one, Hang Up?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Number two, Hang In There?
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Number three, Hang About, Weren't You In X Factor?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Number four, Hanging With The Wrong Crowd?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Or number five, Hang The Agent For Getting Me This Gig?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- Phill's team. - He was on the X Factor?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29You're the go-to girl for this, surely?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- You must know who Andy is.- Mmm-hmm.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33There's no point in me and him guessing - we've no idea.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Actually, the trouble is, I remember him from the X Factor.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Do you really?- Yeah. - Is it only me who doesn't know?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Yeah, you've got to guess.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Would it help if I got on your lap like he did?
0:23:43 > 0:23:44- Both get on my lap.- OK.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50That just looks like you're going to ask them what they want for Christmas.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- I hope so!- Mark, have you been a good little boy?- This is weirdly sexual.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I didn't expect this when I started this.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58The way he rubbed me and said, "Have you been good?"
0:23:58 > 0:24:01It's very difficult, actually, this.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Oh, I've got something in my sack for you.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- Quite nice, this, isn't it? - Yeah.- Cosy.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10It's a bonus whether we get this - we're getting to know each other.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- We're going to get it. - I'm going to push you for an answer.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Push me all you want, bin boy, you're a dirty little thing!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Do you have an idea who it might be? - I think it's number two.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- Would I be correct?- You're in the right ballpark, you're within five.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Andy, number three, how are you?
0:24:30 > 0:24:34That does spoil the suspense a little bit, I think!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- And that, Sinitta, is why you were never on Morse!- Oh.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Your guess as a team is number three?- Number three.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42That's based on the fact
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Sinitta knows Andy Abraham personally, and it's him.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47It's all very well you saying it is Andy,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49but I think number two. I like him!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Number two, tell me about yourself, big fella!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Number two, would you like to come back to my bin?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Will the real Andy Abraham please step forward?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02SINITTA MIMICS DRUM ROLL
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Oh, here we go. - I know this man. Hello.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Number two, give me some love. Number two, don't leave me hanging!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Number two, come on. Yes!
0:25:13 > 0:25:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:16 > 0:25:18My boy! My boy!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Four! Come on, four!
0:25:31 > 0:25:35With a new album out next year, Andy Abraham, ladies and gentlemen.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47And at the end of that round, Noel's team has four
0:25:47 > 0:25:49and Phill's team has four.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Keeping with today's bird theme...
0:25:55 > 0:25:58You forgot about that, didn't you, with all the talk about Grundons?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- We end up with a round called Birdsong.- Oh.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05It's a draw, so Phill's team will go first, and your time...
0:26:05 > 0:26:09starts now. Complete the song title - Beatles, Free As A?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- ALL: Bird.- Correct.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14True or false - a stork will often cool itself by shitting on its own legs?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- We believe it's true.- It's true!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Name the pop star disguised as a bird in the picture.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24- Good lord. That's Geri Halliwell. - Correct. And for a bonus point, can you name the bird?
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- Is it a kestrel?- It's not, it's a willow ptarmigan.- Damn it!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- And the Latin for that is Lagopus lagopus.- Of course it is.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Name the pop star disguised as a bird.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34How many pop stars
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- disguise themselves as birds?! - How weird.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- Quick!- Lady Gaga.- Yes, and for a bonus point, can you name the bird?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- It is a heron.- It is a heron!- Yes! - Complete the song title - Seal, Fly Like A?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- ALL: Bird!- Eagle!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Noel's team, you need six points to win. Your time starts now.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Complete the song title - Nelly Furtado, I'm Like A?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- Bird.- Correct.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Name the pop star disguised as a bird in the picture.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- Madonna.- Yes! And for a bonus point, can you name the bird?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- Yeah, is it a yellow tit? - It's a blue tit.- Oh, fuck off!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14It's got a yellow chest!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17True or false - California condors can fly ten miles
0:27:17 > 0:27:19without flapping their wings.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- False.- True.- Which one? - Overrule, it's true.- It is true!
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Name the half-human, half-bird pop act - something Eyed Cherry.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Eagle.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Yes, correct.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Final scores!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38So, the final scores - Noel's team have eight
0:27:38 > 0:27:41and Phill's team have nine.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43So Phill's team are tonight's winners.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:47APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Thanks to Phill, Sinitta, Mark, Noel, Paul and Toddla T.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56You will find me in the nearest Grundon bin. Goodnight.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:09"Isn't Sinitta beautiful? I wish I could be Sinitta."
0:28:12 > 0:28:13# So macho
0:28:13 > 0:28:17# He's got to be so macho
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# He's got to be big and strong
0:28:20 > 0:28:24# Enough to turn me on
0:28:24 > 0:28:26# He's got to have
0:28:26 > 0:28:28# Big blue eyes
0:28:28 > 0:28:32# Be able to satisfy
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# He's got to be big and strong
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# Enough to turn me on
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# I'm tired of taking the lead
0:28:44 > 0:28:46# I want a man who will dominate me... #
0:28:46 > 0:28:50- That was a good show.- Yeah, not bad. I quite enjoyed that.- Yes.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# Take care of my every need... #
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Is that Will Young dressed as Sinitta?
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Yeah, I think it is.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Hmm.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:03 > 0:29:06E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk