0:00:02 > 0:00:04'It's Jupitus. Listen, I can't make it, mate.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06'I'm at the Gaddafi funeral.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10'Apparently they've got a really, really good comedian hosting.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12'Apparently he's a comedy giant.'
0:00:12 > 0:00:14BOOMING FOOTSTEPS
0:00:15 > 0:00:17LOCK JANGLES, DOOR CREAKS
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Hello, Noel. I'm here for Buzzcocks.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22All right, Greg?
0:00:23 > 0:00:27- Shall we get on with it? - Never realised you were so tall.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29LAUGHTER
0:00:29 > 0:00:36This programme contains some strong language
0:00:56 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Greg Davies.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04And I don't want to gloat, but in a recent poll
0:01:04 > 0:01:06of which Inbetweeners characters
0:01:06 > 0:01:08you'd most like to see hosting this show,
0:01:08 > 0:01:10number seven!
0:01:10 > 0:01:14The lovely Phill Jupitus can't be here tonight, so in his place,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17we've booked children's author and family favourite, Frankie Boyle!
0:01:17 > 0:01:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:26So, on Frankie's team tonight...
0:01:26 > 0:01:30She made her name by dressing up vaginas like Christmas trees.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34In her honour, I have two large baubles hanging beneath my penis.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39Just this morning I made it snow all over the place. It's Amy Childs.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I had a way of remembering our next guest. Now, what was it? Ah, yes.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46A, B, C,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49D, E, F, G, H...
0:01:49 > 0:01:54- I... It's Ian from Steps! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And on Noel's team tonight...
0:01:58 > 0:02:02He's won multiple awards, he's the prince of grime,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04he's got his own clothing line
0:02:04 > 0:02:06and as an added bonus,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09he still gets a sticker when he goes to the dentist!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- It's little Tinchy Stryder! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Our next guest is the answer to the tedious
0:02:17 > 0:02:20and sexist suggestion that women aren't funny.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22She's a brilliant comedian.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Except, of course, when she's irrationally grumpy
0:02:24 > 0:02:27because she's a woman. It's Holly Walsh.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:31 > 0:02:35We start with a round called Sorry, No Refunds.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Frankie's team, take a look at this.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39# Baby, baby, baby, oh... #
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Despite his popularity, some people describe him
0:02:42 > 0:02:45as a revolting saccharine monstrosity.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I am one of those people. It's Justin Bieber.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50# Thought you'd always be mine... #
0:02:50 > 0:02:53That was Justin Bieber with Baby.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57But which of these objects ruined one of his gigs in Berlin earlier this year?
0:02:57 > 0:03:03Was it a birthday cake, bagpipes, or a little snugly blanket?
0:03:03 > 0:03:08The only thing that could ruin a Justin Bieber gig would be a gun jamming in the darkness.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13A weirdly sort of sexless, genderless...
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Not totally. Obviously if he was in prison
0:03:17 > 0:03:19he'd get thrown around like a dog toy.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24- I would do him in a pinch, do you know what I mean? - I love Justin Bieber!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Not necessarily a bad thing to imagine Frankie having sex with him?
0:03:27 > 0:03:32- No, that's disgusting. - Well, you are in for a long show!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I can't say anything bad about him.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- Really? Try - it's pretty easy. - No, no.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Weren't you in Celebrity Big Brother?- I was.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42And Jedward vajazzled you?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Yeah.- What did they do? Did they pebble-dash it?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Hang on a minute - you what? Vajazzled them?
0:03:48 > 0:03:52A vajazzle is when you put diamonds on your lady parts,
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- pajazzle is when you put diamonds on your men bits. - Isn't that dangerous?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Don't you worry that a magpie will steal your clitoris?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I saw it happen on Autumnwatch.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Have you ever done a pajazzle?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- No, I haven't. - There's always a first.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I've got a Pritt Stick, so let's make this happen!
0:04:14 > 0:04:19- Slam those babies up on the desk. - I haven't got no babies, you know.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22People of extreme heights have got to stick together.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27When I went to Thorpe Park, they wouldn't let me on the rides either.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Have you ever seen a porn version, where a vajazzle and a pajazzle meet?
0:04:34 > 0:04:39- No, honey, I haven't. - It'd be like Aliens Vs Predator.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44Does it have to be jewels, or can you put hundreds and thousands...?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47If I dipped my testicles in glue
0:04:47 > 0:04:49and then dragged them along the floor of a barber's,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51would that be a pajazzle?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57You've stolen that from an episode of Art Attack, haven't you?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00The reason they got you into it is the way you say it.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02They thought it's quite funny every time you say it.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Vajazzle. ESSEX ACCENT:- Vajazzle!
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Do I really talk like that?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- No, you talk like this. - POSH VOICE:- Vajazzle!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Like Roger Moore. Watch James Bond - that's how you talk!
0:05:13 > 0:05:18- AS ROGER MOORE: - Anyone for a vajazzle?
0:05:18 > 0:05:23- Can you try and talk like that? - ATTEMPTS POSH VOICE: Hello. Are you OK?
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- Can I say, I was pupil of the year... - Well, that's Essex for you.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Elocution lessons, in Year Six, I come top. I got 95%, the way I spoke.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"I come top of elocution"?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42H, I haven't spoken to you yet, how are you?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Great, talking about fannies, great!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Are you back on tour with Steps? - Yeah!- Do you know what I like about that?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51The fact they've managed to get all your diaries together.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52I know that Lee was in a job
0:05:52 > 0:05:55where he was being used to prop open a door.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Which of the other members of Steps is the one who's doing it most for the money?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Who is most desperate?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Nobody's desperate!
0:06:06 > 0:06:11What's brilliant about that is you could have gone, "Nobody's desperate," but you went
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"NOBODY'S DESPERATE! We're not desperate, stop saying that!"
0:06:14 > 0:06:17It's really nice that we're all friends again, cos we weren't.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22- Did you fall out?- Yeah. - Who did you fall out with the most?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Well you know, Claire and I went off and did our things.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- So the other three?- Yeah. - Who's the one you hate most out of the other three?
0:06:29 > 0:06:30I don't hate any of them!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33It's Lee Latchford-Evans, ladies and gentlemen.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37At the peak of your success, do you know who slagged you off publicly?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38- Who?- Dido.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- Really?- Dido said she found Steps depressing,
0:06:42 > 0:06:47- she thought you were shit. - Do you know what, she's a two-faced bitch.- She is a two-faced bitch.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Back to the game, which of the objects do you think were
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- ruined...- We don't know, we don't care.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57H, the hope has died in your eyes like a pilot light.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59We're going to go with birthday cake
0:06:59 > 0:07:03and we can't really think of a cogent reason.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08- Yeah I think birthday cake, definitely.- Unbelievably, that is the correct answer.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Why don't you do a collaboration together?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Steps and Tinchy, could you imagine?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19You know what, I don't know, man.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26- No-one's going to make you do that. - Au contraire, Noel.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I would like you, Tinchy, to swear that you're prepared to do a duet with Steps.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Everyone in the audience will think you're really mean-spirited otherwise, won't you?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36ALL: Yes!
0:07:36 > 0:07:41Oh yeah? What's it going to be, Tinchy/Steps?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43No, Steps vs Tinchy Stryder.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I think this is going to make you want to do it. Ian Stryder.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Ian Stryder?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Tinchy, where did Tinchy Stryder come from?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Tinchy, I've always been the smallest one out of all my friends
0:07:54 > 0:07:55so Tinchy the nickname.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Some of the researchers got hold of your working book
0:07:58 > 0:08:00when you were trying to make up your stage name.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Oh yeah?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03They've got the ones you used...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- I remember that book. - Do you remember it?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Yeah, when I was even smaller than this.- That's it, yeah.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16So One Pack, that was a good one!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Not Particularly B.I.G, that was a good one.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Busta Nursery Rhymes...
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- How tall are you?- 6 foot 8. Don't pick on me about my height.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36It's like the two of you are from different dimensions.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41I thought you were going to say Different Strokes.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43That's really offensive!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Noel, Tincy and Holly, look at this VT.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52This year he was crowned the wealthiest man in hip hop
0:08:52 > 0:08:55with the a fortune of 500 million.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58But is he happy? Of course he's bloody happy!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00It's captain hip hop, P Diddy.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04# We can't be stopped now cos it's Bad Boy for life. #
0:09:05 > 0:09:07That was P Diddy with Bad Boy For Life.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12But which of these objects caused P Diddy's gig to go sour in 2009?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Was it a stovepipe hat?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Some bling, or a toy gun?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Do you want some bling? - I'm all right, I got some.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23You vajazzled your own wrist.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28- What's the most expensive piece of jewellery you've got?- Probably one of my chains, one of my pendants.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33I never talk about the price but it's about the same price
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- as one of them Range Rovers. - So about 40 grand?
0:09:36 > 0:09:41- You is good at maths, right? - No I just know how much Range Rovers cost.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Rapper hints about the value of his bling. Rappers don't hint!
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I'm not telling you how much my bling costs
0:09:48 > 0:09:50but if you had a Range Rover...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52A Range Rover was about
0:09:52 > 0:09:55the most middle class thing you could have picked!
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I've got a Range Rover that's got room in the back for the kids.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Do you know what strikes me about each of those props, is that I think
0:10:03 > 0:10:06you're perfectly placed to re-create the death of Abraham Lincoln.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11- Do you think this is strong enough to knock this off the desk? - Well I want to see if it is.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Can we not try and knock it off Tinchy's head then?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I don't mind, you can go for me if you want. It's too big!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26They've done you up, Tinchy, I've got a massive head
0:10:26 > 0:10:28and it's even too big for me.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Yeah, your head is big.- All right!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Put it on Greg's head.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Shoot me in the face. No, I don't even want protection,
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I want to be shot in the face by that gun.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Do it!
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Can I just have this?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Oh!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Oh, no, this game's over. Sit down, take that off.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Tinchy's ruined that for everyone, I'm afraid.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04I have now been shot in the face by a rapper, though, that's pretty fucking awesome.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Have you any idea which one of these might have ruined P. Diddy's gig?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Tinchy's worked with P. Diddy, haven't you?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Yeah, I done a remix with him on a track called 'Hello, Good Morning'.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Hello, good morning.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- Very polite rap track, isn't it? - LAUGHTER
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- He's got a bad reputation with handling firearms in public. - P. Diddy has?- Yes.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31He went to a light club and let one off - I'm talking about a gun.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:35P. Diddy and his butler, called Bentley.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38He's got one called Bentley?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42How much does he cost, about the price of a Bentley?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Maybe a Bentley and a Range Rover, as well.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50You realise this is a type of autism you've got, you realise that?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I reckon 10 goes to a cashpoint and it's "A Fiesta...
0:11:53 > 0:11:55..an Espace..."
0:11:55 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- It's the bling.- Yeah, the bling.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04You're absolutely right, it was the bling.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09APPLAUSE
0:12:11 > 0:12:15While throwing money into the crowd, he lost a 20,000 ring
0:12:15 > 0:12:19and had the building shut down so each audience member could be frisked.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21A number of people claimed to have seen Diddy's ring,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24but then, he does wear his trousers very low.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28P. Diddy once spent £2,100 on a four-foot cocktail.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I don't know if you've ever seen a four-foot cocktail,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34but if you don't know what they look like I've got one down here.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Tinchy, would you like a little?
0:12:38 > 0:12:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Next up it's the Intros round.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Frankie and H, here are yours for Amy.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Don't make it hard for me.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57HE GIGGLES
0:12:57 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER
0:13:04 > 0:13:07# Bum-bum, bum-wurrulum wurrulum-bum-bum, bum-wurrulum... #
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- That's not what we rehearsed! - That's creepy.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:13That's definitely not it!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I know you've not got a musical background, but...
0:13:16 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- You should put a few song words in there.- That's not the point of the game, is it?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24# Waow waow
0:13:24 > 0:13:28# Bada-wup-wup, bada-wup-badup-wup Bada-wup-wup bada-wup-badup-wup
0:13:28 > 0:13:29# Bada-wup-wup bada-wup...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32# BADA-WUP-WUP BADA-WUP-BADUP-WUP! #
0:13:32 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Amy, I'm going to give you a clue here, because there's no way
0:13:39 > 0:13:43that the second "bada-wup-wup" is that sexually aggressive, right?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I'd rather listen to Tinchy's music than this music.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- AUDIENCE: Oooh! - It's not that bad!
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- Can we have a go? - Yes, I'm passing it over to you. - Can we have a go at singing it?
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- I want all three of us to make that noise.- It's like the Early Learning Centre over here.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Holly.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02# Baba-lub-ba-bubub bu-ba-blub, Baba-lub-ba-bubub bu-ba-blub...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04# Baba-lub-ba-bubub bu-ba-blub...
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Go on, Tinch, put a beat behind it, son.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11HE BEATBOXES
0:14:11 > 0:14:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Noel, do you have an idea what this song is?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Is it Michael Jackson?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- No. Tinch?- Is it...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24..Michael Jackson?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:33What's the music from The Only Way Is Essex?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35# The only way is up... #
0:14:35 > 0:14:37'The Only Way Is Up' is the right answer!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:39 > 0:14:42And here's how it should have sounded.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- SONG: "The Only Way Is Up" - Frankie, would you like to come in over the top?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# BADA-WUP-WUP, BADA-WUP-BADUP-WUP!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Next one, please.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57# Ding-da-ding-ding ding-ding Ding-da-ding-ding ding-ding
0:14:57 > 0:14:59HE WHISTLES
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Maroon 5. Can you sing it little bit?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Why don't we print out the title and give you that?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- Sorry.- Right, I'm offering it to the other team.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- Is it 'Moves Like Jagger'?- Yes.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Damn right.- Oh, I knew that one.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17APPLAUSE
0:15:17 > 0:15:20You're absolutely right, and this is how it should have sounded.
0:15:20 > 0:15:26SONG: "Moves Like Jagger"
0:15:28 > 0:15:31That was Maroon 5 with 'Moves Like Jagger'.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Maroon 5's Adams Levine says he knows when a song
0:15:34 > 0:15:37is going to be a hit if his little sister and brother like it,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39and then go out and buy 75,000 copies each.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I find if you're listening to particularly bland music such as Maroon 5
0:15:44 > 0:15:46and you want to spIce it up a bit,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49it helps to imagine Antony Worrall Thompson having sex to it.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52SONG: "Moves Like Jagger"
0:15:59 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:03 > 0:16:05That was nasty, man.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Sorry.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Noel and Tinchy, here are yours for Holly.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Remember, it's the title of the song we're after, Tinchy.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:25 > 0:16:28It's even funnier than I imagined.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31# Neme-neme-neme neow
0:16:31 > 0:16:33# Weow-neow-neow weow-neow-neow weow
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- # Neme-neme-neme neow - # Neme-neme-neme neow...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37# Weow-neow-neow weow-neow-neow neow
0:16:37 > 0:16:39# Neme-neme-neme neow...
0:16:39 > 0:16:42# Oooh-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo... #
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Yeah.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45LAUGHTER
0:16:45 > 0:16:46- Is it 'Layla'?- It is 'Layla'!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:50You're Absolutely right.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Here's how it should have sounded.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57SONG: "Layla"
0:17:11 > 0:17:14That was Eric Clapton with Layla.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17He wrote Layla about his unrequited love for Pattie Boyd
0:17:17 > 0:17:19who at the time was married to George Harrison.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23For the sake of secrecy he changed the song from its original working title,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I Want To Get Off With George Harrison's Wife.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27At one point Clapton claimed
0:17:27 > 0:17:30he was drinking two bottles of vodka a day.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31That's nothing.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Some days I'll get through four or five of these bad boys.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40Tinchy would you like a little?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44APPLAUSE
0:17:45 > 0:17:46- Shall we have your final one?- Yeah.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48One, two, three four,
0:17:48 > 0:17:54BOTH: # Do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do
0:17:54 > 0:18:01# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ah-ah-ah-ah! #
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Yeah!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Holding Out For A Hero?- Yes! Unbelievable.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Here's how it should have sounded.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:25 > 0:18:31# Do-do-do-do Ahhh-ahhh
0:18:31 > 0:18:33# Where have all the good men gone... #
0:18:33 > 0:18:35That was Bonnie Tyler with Holding Out For A Hero.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Bonnie Tyler sang at the wedding of Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44Apparently she sang Catherine's favourite song for Michael - Grandad We Love You.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Tinchy, have you ever sung at anyone's wedding?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- I've never actually been to a wedding.- Never?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- What?! You've never been to a wedding?- No.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- You guys should get married. - Me and Amy.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- OK.- That was easy!
0:18:56 > 0:19:00You think it's easy. Wait till you're married to her.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Thanks a lot, Frank.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Do you know what I wonder about those shows, The Only Way Is Essex
0:19:05 > 0:19:09and the Geordie one, is why are people always so drunk and wasted?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11The Only Way Is Essex, we weren't allowed to drink at all.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I remember when to shag a teenager I'd have to get them drunk.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Nowadays I've got to sober them up!
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Nice to see the controversies of the past have blunted you, Frankie!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26At the end of that round Noel's team have four
0:19:26 > 0:19:28and Frankie's team have two.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Round Three is the Identity Parade.
0:19:37 > 0:19:43Frankie, H and Amy, what about some turn of the century UK Garage.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47For the audience only here is DJ Luck and MC Neat??
0:19:47 > 0:19:50MUSIC: "With A Little Bit Of Luck" by DJ Luck And MC Neat
0:20:02 > 0:20:05That was DJ Luck and MC Neat with A Little Bit Of Luck.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Which of our line up is DJ Luck aka Joel Samuels?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Is it number one, A Little Bit of Luck?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Number two, A Little Bit Weird?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Number three, A Little Bit Of Rough?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Number four, A Little Bit Of What You Like Won't Hurt You?
0:20:20 > 0:20:25Or Number Five, A Little Bit Funny This Feeling Inside?
0:20:25 > 0:20:32# I'm not one of those who can easily hide. #
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Frankie's team, it's all yours.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39It's like they tried to film The Sopranos in Leeds.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43There's only two of them that you'd accept a drink from.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48Number four looks like a disgraced hypnotist.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I don't think they're Steps fans, are they?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Raise your hand if you are a Steps fan.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56LAUGHTER
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Right across the board.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02And nobody in the audience either!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Tinchy.- No, he just want to go to the bathroom.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Are these guys Simon Cowell's actual fiancees?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- Right, yeah.- They all have the air of Dale Farm bailiffs.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Apart from the very talented DJ we're looking for.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- OK.- Amy.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29Me and my brother, we used to listen to it and I know which one it is. Will you high five me?
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Baby!- I think I know it so...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Who is the man we're looking for?
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Number one.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Let's find out. Will the real Joel Samuels please step forward?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:45 > 0:21:50Now working on a new album - Joel Samuels, aka DJ Luck, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01I love that song. Great song. Sadly I thought it was an entirely different song.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- You were doing a remix of it! - But I do like that song.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- I like it.- I know you like it, Tinch.- Amy likes it.- 100 per cent. - On we go.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13This is like the last day of school where the teacher tries to join in!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16"Kids, I love this one! Whoa!"
0:22:16 > 0:22:18"That's not it, sir!"
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Noel, Holly and Tinchy, how about some 70s pop?
0:22:21 > 0:22:25For the audience only here are Racey.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27# Some girls will
0:22:27 > 0:22:29# Some girls won't
0:22:29 > 0:22:33# Some girls need a lot of loving
0:22:33 > 0:22:36# And some girls don't
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# Well I know I've got the fever
0:22:38 > 0:22:40# But I don't know why
0:22:40 > 0:22:44# Some say they will and some girls lie. #
0:22:44 > 0:22:46That was Racey with Some Girls,
0:22:46 > 0:22:50but which one of our line up was drummer Clive Wilson?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Is it number one, Some Girls?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Number two, Some Girls Like It Hot?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Number three, Some Girls Don't Get Me?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Number four, Some Girls actually like this look?
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Number five, Some Girl Ripped My Heart Out And Tore It Into A
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Thousand Pieces, But I Forgive Her? "Call Me.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Please call me!
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Noel's team, it's with you.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Number four and five look like the film Twins...
0:23:15 > 0:23:1840 years later.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21APPLAUSE
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I fancy a little drink, as well, Tinchy.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:31APPLAUSE
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Tinch, do you want me to take you over there
0:23:33 > 0:23:35to have a closer look at them? I don't mind.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Let me just check something.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Yeah, that's close enough, man. - Tinchy's made his decision.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08FRANKIE: They look like a zombie Showaddywaddy.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14They all look like a bunch of lorry drivers who have been made over by Gok Wan.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Who do you think? - Well, it's not The Penguin.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20HOOTING
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- How old were you when you were dancing to this song?- A little kid.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I'm only in my late-30s now.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- How old are you? - How old do you think?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I think you're 40-plus.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Be specific, Tinchy.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I think you're, like, round the same age as a Range Rover would cost.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:45 > 0:24:49That was a great joke and it's the only one that can go in the show.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Noel, I'll have to push you for an answer.
0:24:53 > 0:24:59- I think it's number two. Holly? - I think one.- All right, one. We'll go with Holly.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Let's find out. Would the real Clive Wilson please step forward?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05APPLAUSE
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Still touring with Racey, Clive Wilson, ladies and gentleman!
0:25:14 > 0:25:18APPLAUSE
0:25:18 > 0:25:20So we end with the quickfire round.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25Before I became a comedian, I was a teacher for 13 lonely, miserable years,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27so I have had some experience in setting tests.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32Here is my test. It will cover all areas of the National Curriculum.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Noel's team, you are in the lead, so you go first.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Your time starts now.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40What is Yazz's first law of physics?
0:25:42 > 0:25:43- The Only Way Is Up.- Correct.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49Now, for Holly, I would like you to spell the name of Coldplay's latest album,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- which I don't think I can pronounce. - S-H-I-T?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Please welcome our special guests...
0:25:59 > 0:26:06What school regulations is AC/DC's Angus Young flagrantly breaking in this picture?
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Smoking.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- There is more than one. Smoking. - Is it Michaelmas term and he is wearing shorts?
0:26:11 > 0:26:12No, too specific.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- It's a simple one.- His top button's undone.- Thank you, Amy.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21- You've given that point to them. - Oh, sorry.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22- An all-girls school? - Hand in his pocket?
0:26:22 > 0:26:27No, he's brought boys from outside onto the school property.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- True or false? 'We don't need no education'?- True.- False.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- False. Qualifications are very important. - END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
0:26:39 > 0:26:44Frankie's team, you need five points to sew this entire game up.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- We can do it.- Of course you can(!)
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I thought we could, then I heard your voice behind me.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56What historic battle do ABBA sing about?
0:26:56 > 0:27:02- Waterloo.- Correct. If Jay-Z has 99 Problems and writes each one down on a red balloon in New York,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06which he then releases into a 40mph south-easterly wind,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10how many red balloons will have landed in New Jersey two days later?
0:27:10 > 0:27:11100.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:19He's coincidentally run into someone else's red balloon?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I reckon it would be about 20.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I was going to say I would accept any answer between five and 20.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31You get the point. What school uniform regulations is Britney Spears flagrantly breaching
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- in this photograph? - Being a crazy, mental slut.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:37That'll do. Well done.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- Tricky one here. I'd like you to spell YMCA.- Y-M-C-A.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Correct. Well done.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46END-OF-ROUND-JINGLE
0:27:48 > 0:27:51So the final scores are, Frankie's team have 6 points
0:27:51 > 0:27:53and Noel's team have 7.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Thanks to Frankie Boyle, H and Amy Childs,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Noel, Tinchy Stryder and Holly Walsh.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks and I've been Greg Davies. Goodnight.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:35 > 0:28:38E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk