Episode 8

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0:00:02 > 0:00:04NOEL, ECHOING: Blunt? You're not serious?

0:00:04 > 0:00:06- PHILL:- No way can he do it. - He'll be rubbish.

0:00:06 > 0:00:09- Blunt goes, or I go. - You're useless, Blunt...- No, no...

0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Rubbish.- Rubbish.- Rubbish.- Rubbish. - Rubbish...- Rubbish.- Rubbish...

0:00:12 > 0:00:15MUSIC: 'Ride of the Valkyries' by Richard Wagner

0:00:21 > 0:00:26Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!

0:00:26 > 0:00:28No, no, you misunderstand. We want you to host.

0:00:28 > 0:00:30OK. That changes things.

0:00:56 > 0:00:58Please welcome your host.

0:00:58 > 0:01:01It's ex-military, multi-million album selling artist

0:01:01 > 0:01:04and international playboy James Blunt!

0:01:14 > 0:01:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:01:16 > 0:01:19Good evening and welcome to the show. I am James Blunt,

0:01:19 > 0:01:21and if you're going to throw a strop about it,

0:01:21 > 0:01:24I suggest you switch over now. You're still here?

0:01:24 > 0:01:27I'll begin. With team captain, Noel Fielding...

0:01:27 > 0:01:28Hello.

0:01:28 > 0:01:30..he recently claimed his album could

0:01:30 > 0:01:32save the world from global recession.

0:01:32 > 0:01:36To be fair, the first three tracks are called Slash Greece's Debt,

0:01:36 > 0:01:37Impose Austerity Measures

0:01:37 > 0:01:42and Recapitalise The IMF. It's Jamaican reggae star Sean Paul.

0:01:42 > 0:01:43APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:01:46 > 0:01:49Like Cheryl Cole, she's from South Shields. Like Cheryl Cole,

0:01:49 > 0:01:53she's not a judge on the X Factor. But unlike Cheryl Cole,

0:01:53 > 0:01:56she's not above appearing on this show. It's comedian Sarah Millican.

0:01:56 > 0:01:58APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:02:01 > 0:02:05And across the way with captain Phill Jupitus,

0:02:05 > 0:02:08he's a drummer and star of this year's Strictly Come Dancing,

0:02:08 > 0:02:11yet he's still best known as the other one out of McFly.

0:02:11 > 0:02:13It's Harry Judd.

0:02:13 > 0:02:15APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:02:17 > 0:02:20He's the compere of the Horsebridge comedy club in Whitstable.

0:02:20 > 0:02:23A man who needs no introduction,

0:02:23 > 0:02:26if you're a regular of comedy clubs in Whitstable.

0:02:26 > 0:02:30- It's comedian Matthew Crosby. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:02:33 > 0:02:37So, we begin with Woop, Woop, That's The Sound Of The Police.

0:02:37 > 0:02:41Noel, Sarah and Sean, take a look at this.

0:02:41 > 0:02:44# I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it... #

0:02:44 > 0:02:48Her videos are so raunchy that when they come on, some men have

0:02:48 > 0:02:50been known to switch over to the Adult Channel for a rest.

0:02:50 > 0:02:52It's Rihanna.

0:02:52 > 0:02:56# But chains and whips excite me

0:02:56 > 0:02:58# Now come on, come on, come on... #

0:02:58 > 0:03:00That was Rihanna with S&M,

0:03:00 > 0:03:04but how did Rihanna get in trouble with the New York authorities?

0:03:04 > 0:03:05Giving tattoos without a license,

0:03:05 > 0:03:08being overly sexual with a traffic cone

0:03:08 > 0:03:11- or feeding a hot dog to a police horse?- What a video.- Yeah!

0:03:11 > 0:03:14I don't know what it means, but I've got an erection.

0:03:14 > 0:03:16Is that sexy, then, is it?

0:03:16 > 0:03:21Well, it doesn't do anything for me. I mean, I like bananas.

0:03:21 > 0:03:25- Unless you're Adele. Apparently, Adele likes her.- Oh, in that way?

0:03:25 > 0:03:27- Yeah, in that way.- Oh, really? OK.

0:03:27 > 0:03:30I'm going to be interpreting tonight for these two!

0:03:30 > 0:03:32You should know, because she's worked with you.

0:03:32 > 0:03:37- You have an insight.- Oh, yeah, I know what she's all about.

0:03:37 > 0:03:40- What is she about, what does that mean?- S&M.

0:03:40 > 0:03:45- You know what I mean, it speaks for itself.- I'm more about M&S, I think.

0:03:47 > 0:03:52I love M&S. Just for your bits, though, not for your main shop.

0:03:52 > 0:03:54Sean, you had trouble with the police yourself.

0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Not that I can recall.- Egypt?

0:03:58 > 0:04:01- You were smoking a spliff up an Egyptian pyramid.- That was true.

0:04:01 > 0:04:05- Yes, sir.- I'd only go up a pyramid if I thought it was a Toblerone.

0:04:07 > 0:04:11I was always disappointed that pyramids up close were steps,

0:04:11 > 0:04:13weren't they? Cos I imagined they'd be smooth.

0:04:13 > 0:04:16And when I saw they were steps, I just thought,

0:04:16 > 0:04:18"Oh, fuck that," and went straight home.

0:04:18 > 0:04:22You'd brought your BMX as well, you were going to, "Waaay!," down it.

0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Exactly.- So what did she do with the cone?

0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Being overly sexual with a traffic cone is an option.- Overly sexual?

0:04:28 > 0:04:32Like, is there an appropriate amount of sexual behaviour

0:04:32 > 0:04:33towards a traffic cone?

0:04:33 > 0:04:36Like, "That was a bit too much." I thought they were bigger.

0:04:36 > 0:04:40Now I've seen it up close, it's probably feasible, isn't it?

0:04:40 > 0:04:42LAUGHTER

0:04:42 > 0:04:45What way would you put it in?

0:04:45 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER

0:04:47 > 0:04:50Sideways?

0:04:50 > 0:04:53That is quite small. Sometimes when you're drunk,

0:04:53 > 0:04:56you can sit on cones and have a rest while you eat your kebab,

0:04:56 > 0:04:59but if you sat on that, it'd be straight up you.

0:04:59 > 0:05:02I've heard of worse than being sexual with a cone.

0:05:02 > 0:05:03Remember Sweaty Betty?

0:05:03 > 0:05:05Sweaty Betty, who fit a bus inside? Know that song?

0:05:05 > 0:05:10That was on your first album, right? LAUGHTER

0:05:10 > 0:05:15- I need to push you for an answer, please.- Nice legs.- Very nice legs.

0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Her legs are insured for £1 million.- Each leg?

0:05:18 > 0:05:24I think just one. She's got a club foot, she can't be arsed with it.

0:05:24 > 0:05:29What makes her legs so special, to be worth that amount of money?

0:05:29 > 0:05:34- They're on backwards.- I bet they don't chafe at the top like mine do.

0:05:34 > 0:05:37That's how you know you've got good legs,

0:05:37 > 0:05:39when there's enough of them to meet.

0:05:39 > 0:05:44- Didn't she get in trouble on a tractor or something?- On a tractor?

0:05:44 > 0:05:47Oh, yeah, cos she's not got a tractor licence, has she?

0:05:47 > 0:05:49Apparently, a scarecrow grassed her up.

0:05:49 > 0:05:51APPLAUSE

0:05:51 > 0:05:55Don't clap that, you idiots! That's a proper joke. I'm going home.

0:05:55 > 0:05:59I'll give you the answers again. How did Rihanna get in trouble

0:05:59 > 0:06:02with New York authorities? Giving tattoos without a licence,

0:06:02 > 0:06:05being overly sexual with a traffic cone

0:06:05 > 0:06:07or feeding a hot dog to a police horse?

0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Go for your life. - I think the traffic cone.

0:06:09 > 0:06:12- I'm with my team-mates. - You're pathetic and sordid.

0:06:12 > 0:06:15Of course it's not. The correct answer is

0:06:15 > 0:06:17she was giving tattoos without a licence.

0:06:17 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER

0:06:20 > 0:06:22Rihanna got in trouble with New York authorities

0:06:22 > 0:06:26when she was found to have tattooed an umbrella on her tattoo artist

0:06:26 > 0:06:29without a license. It's desperately sad when a talented singer becomes

0:06:29 > 0:06:31associated with just one song.

0:06:31 > 0:06:33# You're beautiful... #

0:06:33 > 0:06:37I delivered that incredibly badly, I'm sorry. I know my weaknesses.

0:06:37 > 0:06:39- I'm a singer.- Sort of.

0:06:39 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:06:45 > 0:06:49Phill, Harry and Matthew, have a look at this.

0:06:49 > 0:06:52A woman whose face tells you one thing -

0:06:52 > 0:06:54that the normal presenter is on holiday.

0:06:54 > 0:06:58It's classically-trained rent-a-presenter Myleene Klass.

0:06:58 > 0:07:00# I'll be there for you

0:07:00 > 0:07:02# Pure and simple, going to be there... #

0:07:02 > 0:07:05Myleene Klass with HearSay. But what did she once steal

0:07:05 > 0:07:07from the Pope's summer residence?

0:07:07 > 0:07:11Was it a piles cushion, a personalised toilet roll

0:07:11 > 0:07:13or the Shroud of Turin?

0:07:13 > 0:07:17Looks like they took it from my dressing room. They've got my face.

0:07:18 > 0:07:22So, Myleene Klass, I never thought of her as a thieving type.

0:07:22 > 0:07:24Or someone who has piles.

0:07:24 > 0:07:27Well, no, cos she's had babies, and you get piles

0:07:27 > 0:07:29- when you get pregnant, apparently. - Why's that?

0:07:29 > 0:07:32I can only assume that the baby is in there going,

0:07:32 > 0:07:36"Bam, bam, let me out, let me out!," punching away at the bottom.

0:07:36 > 0:07:40- Hang on, it doesn't come out the bottom!- I don't know, I've no map!

0:07:40 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER

0:07:41 > 0:07:43Is this round going to be about obstetrics?

0:07:43 > 0:07:46I have got a womb map if you want to borrow it.

0:07:46 > 0:07:51- It's like an old treasure map. - "Go left at the cervix, aaar!

0:07:51 > 0:07:54"And then you'll find the double-decker bus."

0:07:54 > 0:07:56- NORTH-EAST ACCENT:- Double Decker!

0:07:56 > 0:08:00- I'd rather hear her say "Toblerone".- Toblerone!

0:08:00 > 0:08:02I'd like a Sarah Millican sat nav.

0:08:02 > 0:08:04NORTH-EAST ACCENT: "Oh, don't go that way."

0:08:04 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER

0:08:06 > 0:08:11People always like it when I say "monkey risotto".

0:08:11 > 0:08:15- And we got this from Ian Paisley's house.- I think I'd like somebody

0:08:15 > 0:08:19I like on my toilet roll. Then you'd see them all the time.

0:08:19 > 0:08:22Yeah, and then rub shit on their face.

0:08:22 > 0:08:27- If they were a true friend, they'd take it.- That's true.

0:08:27 > 0:08:30What about Turin Shroud bog paper? That'd be cool, wouldn't it?

0:08:30 > 0:08:32If you just bought normal toilet paper

0:08:32 > 0:08:35and all of a sudden Jesus's face started appearing!

0:08:35 > 0:08:39- I'm putting that on eBay! - "A monkey making risotto?!"

0:08:41 > 0:08:45Like Panini stickers! "Got, got, need, swap...

0:08:45 > 0:08:49"Oh, a shiny!" Papal loo roll. It's not going to have his face on it?

0:08:49 > 0:08:52It has little strips, and at the bottom it says,

0:08:52 > 0:08:55"And now, wash-a your soul!"

0:08:55 > 0:08:58Are you confusing the Pope with those Dolmio ads?

0:08:58 > 0:09:02Didn't the Pope fall over? Someone pushed him over.

0:09:02 > 0:09:07Didn't two of them fall over? Like skittles, one knocked the other over.

0:09:07 > 0:09:10- The Pope hit a cardinal, he hit a bishop...- Eventually one of them

0:09:10 > 0:09:13fell into a choirboy, and that was his alibi.

0:09:13 > 0:09:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:09:19 > 0:09:23- I'm going to push you for an answer. - Push us all you want, Tank Boy.

0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Harry, come on. - I reckon it's the toilet paper.

0:09:26 > 0:09:28- She's got a famous arse. - Your final answer?- Yeah.

0:09:28 > 0:09:32You're correct. The answer was B. Myleene Klass claims she stole

0:09:32 > 0:09:35some of the Pope's own branded toilet paper

0:09:35 > 0:09:41and then gave individual sheets away as Christmas presents.

0:09:41 > 0:09:45This incident that led to the creation of a famous tongue-twister.

0:09:45 > 0:09:47"If there's no paper for the papal poo,

0:09:47 > 0:09:49"then the pope has to pop to the shop."

0:09:49 > 0:09:53Sean, shall we get you to try that?

0:09:53 > 0:09:56If there's no paper for the papal poo,

0:09:56 > 0:09:58then the pope has to pop to the shop.

0:09:58 > 0:10:02- Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Paul. - APPLAUSE

0:10:02 > 0:10:06- Sarah, can we hear it from you too? - If there's no paper for the papal...

0:10:06 > 0:10:10LAUGHTER

0:10:10 > 0:10:12If there's no paper for the papal poo,

0:10:12 > 0:10:14then the pope has to pop to the shop.

0:10:14 > 0:10:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:10:19 > 0:10:22I was saying to Sean that I had a friend called Jason

0:10:22 > 0:10:25who was from Jamaica. Girls used to go, "What's your name?,"

0:10:25 > 0:10:30and he used to go, "Jee-ay-sun." And then just immediately get laid.

0:10:30 > 0:10:35And as they were walking off to his bedroom, I'd go, "I'm called Noel!"

0:10:35 > 0:10:38Next up, it's the Intros round.

0:10:38 > 0:10:43- Noel and Sean, here are yours for Sarah.- Yeah...

0:10:43 > 0:10:47- Have you gone blank yet? - I've definitely gone blank.

0:10:47 > 0:10:48You'll have to help me out.

0:10:48 > 0:10:51# Er-nee-ner-nee

0:10:51 > 0:10:55# Brr-nee-ner nee-ner

0:10:55 > 0:10:58- # Brr, ner-nee-ner... #- I think you have to go higher-pitched.

0:10:58 > 0:11:02- Slightly higher.- I know it's one of those really great...

0:11:02 > 0:11:03What is it? Oh...

0:11:03 > 0:11:05# Der-ner-ner... #

0:11:05 > 0:11:07It's annoying. What is it?

0:11:07 > 0:11:09LAUGHTER

0:11:09 > 0:11:13I think I know it. I think it's Mr Blunt's song, You're Beautiful.

0:11:13 > 0:11:17- Yay!- You're absolutely right. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:11:20 > 0:11:21Here's how it should have sounded.

0:11:21 > 0:11:23- MUSIC STARTS - That's enough!

0:11:23 > 0:11:27So that was James Cucking Funt with You're Beautiful.

0:11:27 > 0:11:29LAUGHTER

0:11:29 > 0:11:32A six year-old girl came out of a coma after hearing that song

0:11:32 > 0:11:35on hospital radio. It was a beautiful sight until she woke up,

0:11:35 > 0:11:38leant forward and screamed, "Turn that shit off!"

0:11:38 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:11:43 > 0:11:47A lot of people took a dislike to You're Beautiful, but I ask you,

0:11:47 > 0:11:49where would we be without that song?

0:11:49 > 0:11:52I'm not sure about you, but I'd be in a much, much smaller house.

0:11:52 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:11:56 > 0:11:59Can we hear the next song, please?

0:11:59 > 0:12:01# Da-nah... # Is that it? No? SEAN LAUGHS

0:12:01 > 0:12:05Don't look at me like a sort of happier, friendlier Mr T!

0:12:05 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER

0:12:10 > 0:12:13# Da-neh-da-neh-da-neh-na

0:12:13 > 0:12:15# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na

0:12:15 > 0:12:17# Da-na-da-na-da-na-na

0:12:17 > 0:12:20# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

0:12:20 > 0:12:23# BAH-NA-NA-NA-NA-NUH-NUH

0:12:23 > 0:12:25# BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA

0:12:25 > 0:12:28# Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

0:12:28 > 0:12:30# wah-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

0:12:30 > 0:12:33# Pet, like... # I was doing it in Geordie for you.

0:12:33 > 0:12:35LAUGHTER

0:12:35 > 0:12:39- Is quite repetitive, isn't it? - It's the intro.

0:12:39 > 0:12:41Do you want to give it another go?

0:12:41 > 0:12:45- Just with the actual tune! - I'm going to try it in Jamaican.

0:12:45 > 0:12:47- I'm going to do it in Jamaican. - Give us a fighting chance!

0:12:47 > 0:12:51Jaaay-sun's in the house! LAUGHTER

0:12:51 > 0:12:54It doesn't matter. When you put these on, nothing really matters.

0:12:54 > 0:12:59In these lenses, it's just a better quiz show than you can actually see.

0:12:59 > 0:13:01What is the name I have to say?

0:13:01 > 0:13:04- I'll wear these.- Jason.

0:13:08 > 0:13:10NORTH-EAST ACCENT: All right, look here, then,

0:13:10 > 0:13:13let's give it another go! Jason!

0:13:13 > 0:13:16# Da-ra-da, da-ra-da... #

0:13:18 > 0:13:20- # You're beautiful! # - With those glasses, Noel,

0:13:20 > 0:13:23you look like my chemistry teacher.

0:13:23 > 0:13:27I love the fact that you've got a chemistry teacher.

0:13:27 > 0:13:30Have you come straight from school?

0:13:30 > 0:13:33They've kept me back several years.

0:13:33 > 0:13:36- How are we looking? - # Wa-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na... #

0:13:36 > 0:13:40That's my favourite bit. I like that it.

0:13:40 > 0:13:42# Ah-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

0:13:42 > 0:13:44# Ma-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

0:13:44 > 0:13:46# Wa-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

0:13:46 > 0:13:49# Ba-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-na-na-na

0:13:49 > 0:13:51- # Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na... # - Go on, then.

0:13:51 > 0:13:55- ALL: - # Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na... #

0:13:55 > 0:14:00We don't know. But we really like it. We'll be singing it all the way home.

0:14:00 > 0:14:03- It is Stereophonics' Pick A Part That's New.- Oh.

0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Here's how it should have sounded. - SONG PLAYS

0:14:10 > 0:14:11I don't feel so bad now!

0:14:18 > 0:14:22- # I've never been here before... # - So, that was Stereophonics

0:14:22 > 0:14:23with Pick A Part That's New.

0:14:23 > 0:14:28Kelly says that, despite his hard man image, he's actually very sensitive.

0:14:28 > 0:14:31It's the opposite with me. Sure, I sang You're Beautiful,

0:14:31 > 0:14:33but cross me and I will fuck you up.

0:14:33 > 0:14:37Kelly from the Stereophonics? "People might see me as a hard man?" Who?!

0:14:37 > 0:14:40He's like a hobbit in a leather jacket!

0:14:40 > 0:14:44- Have you looked in the mirror recently?- You can talk!

0:14:44 > 0:14:50I had to get you a rope ladder for the tank!

0:14:50 > 0:14:53Kelly says the band got into music for drink and women.

0:14:53 > 0:14:54Similarly, I got into music

0:14:54 > 0:14:58- to appear on Sesame Street and Buzzcocks.- You did Sesame Street?!

0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Yeah, baby. - Oh, man, what was that like?

0:15:00 > 0:15:02He did the triangle song, it was amazing.

0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Elmo and me, we're tight, thick as thieves.- Did you meet Elmo?

0:15:05 > 0:15:08Absolutely. He was the one who called me to say,

0:15:08 > 0:15:11- "Come on the show."- Have you been to Oscar the Grouch's trash can?

0:15:11 > 0:15:14- No.- Some wild parties there, wild parties.

0:15:14 > 0:15:17The only person that'd invite Blunty to a party would be the Count,

0:15:17 > 0:15:21because he's the only one posh enough on Sesame Street. "Ah-ha-ha,

0:15:21 > 0:15:27"how many people will I have to my party? One, one pop star, ah-ha!"

0:15:27 > 0:15:31- Is Mr Snuffaluffagus Sesame Street? - Yeah, he was Big Bird's best friend.

0:15:31 > 0:15:35- And he was imaginary or was he real? - I think they're all fake.

0:15:35 > 0:15:40How dare you?! You'll be telling me Fraggle Rock wasn't real in a minute!

0:15:40 > 0:15:44I used to get really frustrated with the elephant, because he'd turn up,

0:15:44 > 0:15:48they'd go, "He was here!" When they'd look, he'd be gone.

0:15:48 > 0:15:49I'd go, "But he WAS there!"

0:15:49 > 0:15:52If only they had Sky+. Just rewound it, "There he was!"

0:15:52 > 0:15:56Phill and Harry, here are yours for Matthew.

0:15:56 > 0:15:59- Yeah.- OK. Right?

0:15:59 > 0:16:00# Eeeeeeeeee

0:16:00 > 0:16:03# Duh-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee

0:16:03 > 0:16:04# Doo-doo-ga-ga, do-do-ga

0:16:04 > 0:16:06# Doo-doo-ga-ga, doo-do-ga

0:16:06 > 0:16:07# Doo-doo-ga-ga, do-do-ga

0:16:07 > 0:16:08# Doo-doo-ga-ga, doo-do-ga

0:16:08 > 0:16:12# Huh-huh-ha-haa, ha-huh-hah-huh. #

0:16:14 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER

0:16:17 > 0:16:21- Can we hear that one more time? I just need get into that.- OK.

0:16:21 > 0:16:24I think you've been into this enough, from what I understand.

0:16:24 > 0:16:26- Oh, you heard about that?- Yes.

0:16:26 > 0:16:30I think the world has heard about you and your dirty penis.

0:16:30 > 0:16:32LAUGHTER

0:16:32 > 0:16:36Which I'm sure you keep scrupulously clean -

0:16:36 > 0:16:40- I mean in the figurative sense. - I would like to assure our viewers

0:16:40 > 0:16:42- that it's absolutely clean. - LAUGHTER

0:16:42 > 0:16:45It's not dirty, that's just camouflage!

0:16:45 > 0:16:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:51 > 0:16:55I wish it was. You just naturally can't see it.

0:16:55 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:59 > 0:17:01# Eeeeeeeeeeee

0:17:01 > 0:17:03# Duh-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee

0:17:03 > 0:17:04# Doo-doo-ga-ga, do-do-ga

0:17:04 > 0:17:06# Doo-doo-ga-ga, doo-do-ga... #

0:17:06 > 0:17:12"Get off, James, get off! Stop it, Blunty, stop it!"

0:17:12 > 0:17:16- I'm picturing a lady. - Picture some more.

0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Me too.- So it's girls, it's girls singing together.

0:17:19 > 0:17:25- Mmm!- I don't know why I'm doing this like I'm a medium, channelling this.

0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Is it Beyonce?- No.

0:17:28 > 0:17:31Shall we go over to Noel's team? Have you got a clue?

0:17:31 > 0:17:35- I think Sarah knows.- She doesn't.

0:17:35 > 0:17:39It was Pussycat Dolls' Beep. Here's how it should have sounded.

0:17:39 > 0:17:44SONG PLAYS

0:17:44 > 0:17:45# Huh-ha-huh-huh-huh

0:17:45 > 0:17:48# Huh-ha-huh-ha

0:17:48 > 0:17:50# Huh-ha-huh-huh-huh... #

0:17:50 > 0:17:52I stand corrected, Harry.

0:17:54 > 0:17:57- How many of them...- NOEL: Have you touched with your camouflaged penis?!

0:17:57 > 0:18:01- 20%.- 20%!

0:18:01 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER

0:18:06 > 0:18:08Have you ever done it in a tank?

0:18:08 > 0:18:12LAUGHTER

0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Shall we have your next one? - What are we doing?

0:18:15 > 0:18:17Oh, yeah, yeah. One, two, three, four..

0:18:17 > 0:18:20# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do

0:18:20 > 0:18:21# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do-de-do-de-do

0:18:21 > 0:18:23# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do-do

0:18:23 > 0:18:26# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do

0:18:26 > 0:18:28# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do-de-do-de-do

0:18:28 > 0:18:30# Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do-do-do-do-do

0:18:30 > 0:18:31# Mm-chk, mm-chk, mm-chk. #

0:18:31 > 0:18:33- I know this one.- Woo-hoo!

0:18:33 > 0:18:35Yeah, I know, what a surprise!

0:18:35 > 0:18:39You can do it, nerd Jesus!

0:18:39 > 0:18:41OK. Is it La Roux, Bulletproof?

0:18:41 > 0:18:44- You are absolutely correct.- Yes!

0:18:44 > 0:18:46Here's how it should have sounded.

0:18:46 > 0:18:50SONG PLAYS

0:18:50 > 0:18:52- What's that?- That's her hair. - That's her quiff.

0:18:52 > 0:18:56- Oh, yeah.- Cheat! - That was a little cheat.

0:18:56 > 0:19:00And also, the drummer's a shark.

0:19:02 > 0:19:05Scores. At the end of that round, Phill's team has three

0:19:05 > 0:19:10- and Noel's team has one. - APPLAUSE

0:19:14 > 0:19:17Round three is the Identity Parade. Noel, Sarah and Sean,

0:19:17 > 0:19:22how about some late-'90s girl-group sex... Girl-group pop?

0:19:22 > 0:19:28For the audience only, here is Vanilla.

0:19:28 > 0:19:30# No way, no way

0:19:30 > 0:19:32# Ma-na-ma-na

0:19:32 > 0:19:34# No way, no way

0:19:34 > 0:19:37# Ma-na-ma-na

0:19:37 > 0:19:40# No way, no way

0:19:40 > 0:19:42# Ma-na-ma-na

0:19:42 > 0:19:45# Not today

0:19:45 > 0:19:47# Don't get fresh with me. #

0:19:47 > 0:19:50That was Vanilla with No Way, No Way.

0:19:50 > 0:19:53But which one of our line-up is singer Frances Potter?

0:19:53 > 0:19:55Is it number one, No Way, No Way?

0:19:55 > 0:19:58Number two, No Way, Jose?

0:19:58 > 0:20:01Number three, No Way Back?

0:20:01 > 0:20:04Number four, No Way To Treat A Woman?

0:20:04 > 0:20:07Or number five, No Way Of Knowing It Was A Bloke?

0:20:07 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER

0:20:10 > 0:20:14- You're a musician.- Yeah. I think so.

0:20:14 > 0:20:20I know you smoke a bit, Sean Paul, but to not remember what your job is,

0:20:20 > 0:20:23that is taking a habit a little too far!

0:20:23 > 0:20:27"Sean, what you do?" "Let me just check on my passport.

0:20:27 > 0:20:28"Yeah, I'm a musician."

0:20:30 > 0:20:34Do the girls wait a long time while we're doing the rest of the show?

0:20:34 > 0:20:37Cos I think a number two looks like she's been doodling.

0:20:37 > 0:20:39LAUGHTER

0:20:39 > 0:20:44Number three looks very confident. She's got her leg at a jaunty angle.

0:20:44 > 0:20:46She's got a leg at a jaunty angle?

0:20:46 > 0:20:50It's either at a jaunty angle or its false.

0:20:50 > 0:20:54- And just badly fitted?- Yeah! I don't know, what do you think?

0:20:54 > 0:20:56- I'm going with number two. - Number two?

0:20:56 > 0:21:00I don't know what other job or occupation you could be in

0:21:00 > 0:21:04with that kind of hair. I think you'd have to be in a band, don't you?

0:21:04 > 0:21:07But maybe not this band. She might just be in a band,

0:21:07 > 0:21:09and she's come for a nice day out.

0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Number two looks quite coy. It could be number two.- Jaunty leg!

0:21:13 > 0:21:16- You think it's jaunty leg? - I said number two, dude.

0:21:16 > 0:21:18- I think number two as well. - Let's find out.

0:21:18 > 0:21:21Would the real Frances Potter please step forward?

0:21:21 > 0:21:23Agh!

0:21:23 > 0:21:25Well done, Sarah.

0:21:25 > 0:21:26APPLAUSE

0:21:29 > 0:21:32Now working on a new dance track with T&R Productions,

0:21:32 > 0:21:34Frances Potter, ladies and gentleman.

0:21:34 > 0:21:39APPLAUSE

0:21:39 > 0:21:42Phill, Matthew and Harry, what about some '80s synth pop?

0:21:42 > 0:21:45For the audience only, here are the Mobiles.

0:21:45 > 0:21:47# In and out it goes

0:21:47 > 0:21:50# To show me it's cruel

0:21:50 > 0:21:52# My trust in you

0:21:52 > 0:21:55# Berlin is drowning me

0:21:55 > 0:21:58# In and out my mind goes

0:21:58 > 0:22:00# In and out it goes

0:22:00 > 0:22:02# To show me it's cruel

0:22:02 > 0:22:04# My trust in you

0:22:04 > 0:22:07# Drowning in Berlin... #

0:22:07 > 0:22:10That was the Mobiles with Drowning In Berlin,

0:22:10 > 0:22:12but which of our line-up is keyboardist John Smithson?

0:22:12 > 0:22:14Oh, shit, that's a cock-up.

0:22:14 > 0:22:16Those girls weren't supposed to come here -

0:22:16 > 0:22:19you're supposed to go in my dressing room.

0:22:19 > 0:22:22I'll be through in a minute when I've got rid of these guys.

0:22:22 > 0:22:23I'll be there shortly.

0:22:25 > 0:22:29APPLAUSE

0:22:29 > 0:22:31Sorry.

0:22:31 > 0:22:37- Will you be sorting one of them out, just 20% of that lot?- We'll try.

0:22:37 > 0:22:40I looked in his eyes then, you know what I saw?

0:22:40 > 0:22:43"Tonight, 40%!"

0:22:43 > 0:22:45OK, this is the real lot.

0:22:45 > 0:22:48So, which of our line-up is keyboard player John Smithson?

0:22:48 > 0:22:52- Are you taking this lot to your dressing room too? - This is all for you, baby.

0:22:52 > 0:22:56So, which of our line-up is keyboard player John Smithson?

0:22:56 > 0:22:58Is it number one, Drowning In Berlin?

0:22:58 > 0:23:01Number two, Drowning His Sorrows?

0:23:01 > 0:23:05Number three, Drowning In The Shallow End?

0:23:05 > 0:23:09Number four, Drowning Cats In A Sack?

0:23:09 > 0:23:12Or number five, Drowning Out The Voices In His Head?

0:23:12 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER

0:23:17 > 0:23:20Number five looks like the Milky Bar Kid's weird hard brother.

0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Come on, let's work our way through. - Number five's too young.

0:23:26 > 0:23:28- Too young? Good, OK. - Number one looks quite '80s,

0:23:28 > 0:23:32quite kind of like he's maybe stuck in the '80s.

0:23:32 > 0:23:37I think number three has got the look of a keen fisherman.

0:23:37 > 0:23:40Number two looks a bit like a grown-up baby.

0:23:40 > 0:23:43- Number two looks like a grown-up baby?- Yeah.

0:23:43 > 0:23:46- As in, like, an adult? - LAUGHTER

0:23:46 > 0:23:49They all look like adults.

0:23:49 > 0:23:52Four's got a hot date or something, he's shuffling around a lot.

0:23:52 > 0:23:56- He wants to leave.- It's cos he's standing next to number five.

0:23:56 > 0:24:00- He's nervous. Hold it together, number five.- I think it's two.

0:24:00 > 0:24:03Because he's popped his collar. He's got a much better jacket.

0:24:03 > 0:24:06- He's brought his own. - And his shoes are shiny.

0:24:06 > 0:24:09- He's just got pop star written all over him.- Who do you think, Sarah?

0:24:09 > 0:24:11You can get a double smugness tonight.

0:24:11 > 0:24:13I think it's two.

0:24:13 > 0:24:14- You think it's two?- Yeah.

0:24:14 > 0:24:17I can't not go with Millican.

0:24:17 > 0:24:22Let's find out. Will the real John Smithson please step forward?

0:24:22 > 0:24:25APPLAUSE

0:24:25 > 0:24:29Still writing and composing for various artists, John Smithson, ladies and gentleman.

0:24:29 > 0:24:33APPLAUSE

0:24:33 > 0:24:37We end with Next Lines. Phill's team are in the lead, so you go first.

0:24:37 > 0:24:41And your time starts now.

0:24:41 > 0:24:43- "Cos I'm moving on up, moving on out."- # Moving on up... #

0:24:43 > 0:24:47- "Time to break free?"- # Nothing can stop me. #- Yeah, exactly.

0:24:47 > 0:24:50By M People, Moving On Up. "You can do all things that you like to do."

0:24:50 > 0:24:54And then tomorrow, do the other 80%.

0:24:54 > 0:24:56Pick A Part That's New, Stereophonics.

0:24:56 > 0:25:00- "It only takes a minute, girl." - "To fall in love, to fall in love."

0:25:00 > 0:25:04It Only Takes A Minute, Take That. "Goodbye, my lover, goodbye my friend."

0:25:04 > 0:25:07No idea. Sorry.

0:25:07 > 0:25:09"You're beautiful"?

0:25:09 > 0:25:13LAUGHTER

0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Is it, "You've been the one for me"? - Goodbye, My Lover, James Blunt.

0:25:19 > 0:25:23See, there's another song. She knows the second song.

0:25:23 > 0:25:25There was a second song?

0:25:25 > 0:25:28- "Those three wise men..." - "You're beautiful."

0:25:28 > 0:25:29LAUGHTER

0:25:29 > 0:25:33Handing it over to Sarah. "Those three wise men..."

0:25:33 > 0:25:37- Um, "Found the baby Jesus"? - LAUGHTER

0:25:37 > 0:25:39- Something by the sea?- Semi.

0:25:39 > 0:25:42"Semi by the sea"? What does that lyric mean?

0:25:42 > 0:25:44- That they weren't very hard.- Right.

0:25:46 > 0:25:49It is a semi-automatic rifle.

0:25:49 > 0:25:52END OF ROUND JINGLE

0:25:57 > 0:26:00Noel's team, you need six points to win.

0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Six? Can't be done. - Your time starts now.

0:26:03 > 0:26:08- "I like big butts and I cannot lie." - James Blunt?

0:26:08 > 0:26:11No. No points.

0:26:11 > 0:26:15"You other brothers can deny." I Like Big Butts, Sir Mixalot.

0:26:15 > 0:26:18"My life is brilliant."

0:26:18 > 0:26:19"You're beautiful."

0:26:19 > 0:26:22"My life is pure"?

0:26:22 > 0:26:25Absolutely spot-on. Well done. You're Beautiful, James Blunt.

0:26:25 > 0:26:28I'm total teacher's pet!

0:26:28 > 0:26:32"Well enough likkle girl dem bought they own dem got...

0:26:32 > 0:26:34"de goody...goody."

0:26:34 > 0:26:37- LAUGHTER - I'm going to try that again.

0:26:37 > 0:26:40"Well enough likkle girl dem bought they own dem got de goody goody."

0:26:40 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER

0:26:42 > 0:26:48You make ragga sound like the shipping forecast.

0:26:48 > 0:26:53"Wan thing mi tell, Sean Paul, wan shooby shooby."

0:26:53 > 0:26:56"One ting mi haffi tell...dem Dutty...de woody woody."

0:26:56 > 0:26:58One point for you. Like Glue, Sean Paul.

0:26:58 > 0:27:01That was like the football scores!

0:27:01 > 0:27:05"East Fife 4, Dem Shoogy Shoogy 3."

0:27:09 > 0:27:13"Front way, back way, dutty K man have the shooby-shooby."

0:27:13 > 0:27:15LAUGHTER

0:27:15 > 0:27:16"Everton 2."

0:27:18 > 0:27:22- "Virgin dem waan gimme and mi have to tooky tooky."- Absolutely.

0:27:22 > 0:27:24I will translate. That was,

0:27:24 > 0:27:28"Virgin dem waan gimme and mi have to tooky tooky."

0:27:28 > 0:27:30Wow!

0:27:30 > 0:27:34END OF ROUND JINGLE

0:27:37 > 0:27:41So, the final score are, Noel's team have six, but Phill's team win

0:27:41 > 0:27:45with seven, which means Phill's team are tonight's winners.

0:27:45 > 0:27:48APPLAUSE

0:27:51 > 0:27:54So that's thank you to Phill, Matthew and Harry,

0:27:54 > 0:27:57Noel, Sean and Sarah. This has been Never Mind The Lovecocks,

0:27:57 > 0:28:00I've been James Blunt. I'm off to see how many models

0:28:00 > 0:28:03I can fuck in a tank... Fit in a tank. Goodnight.

0:28:03 > 0:28:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:38 > 0:28:40Oh, for God's sake!

0:28:40 > 0:28:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:41 > 0:28:43E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk