0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:26 > 0:00:28He's the star of the British hip-hop scene.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31He's won MOBOs, Brit awards,
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Ivor Novellos.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35He's sold one and a half million albums,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39and he's never been to Scunthorpe!
0:00:39 > 0:00:43It's you're host, Tinie Tempah!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Good evening, and welcome to the party.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07On Noel's team tonight,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10she's a singer who cites Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston
0:01:10 > 0:01:12as her major influences.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Here to make outrageous demands and have an on-screen breakdown,
0:01:16 > 0:01:17it's Pixie Lott.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19APPLAUSE
0:01:22 > 0:01:27Our next guest is so new we haven't got any footage.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Instead, here are people with similar names.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33It's not Jimmy Page, its' not Joanna Page, it's not even Elaine Paige.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35It's comedian Joey Page.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And on Phill's team tonight...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45He's a rapper from Fulham, so presumably his 8 Mile
0:01:45 > 0:01:49is that lovely stretch of pubs near the river in Hammersmith.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50It's Example.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:55 > 0:01:57He's a Geordie comic,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00and luckily, now Frankie Cocozza is off the X Factor,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02he's been able to get his hair back.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03It's Chris Ramsey.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:09 > 0:02:11All right, that's enough, that's enough!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Right, so we're going to start with Guess Who.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I'm going to show you a picture in which we've morphed together
0:02:16 > 0:02:19two well-known faces from the world of music.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22The teams have to tell me who those faces belong to.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Phill's team first. Whose faces have we morphed?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28It does look a little like
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Richard Branson's got so much money now
0:02:30 > 0:02:32he's just bought tits.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Is no-one going to comment on the weirdness of that beginning?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- I might actually keep this, I might sell some more records.- Absolutely.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44That was the first time I saw an all-black audience
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- on Never Mind The Buzzcocks as well. - LAUGHTER
0:02:47 > 0:02:50APPLAUSE
0:02:50 > 0:02:51So this is...
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It's Mariah Carey, because I recognise the tits.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58It gave me a nightmare for my worst ever Christmas,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00when it was just me and my uncle.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03That's me and you, Joey!
0:03:03 > 0:03:07I'm so rubbish at telling proper jokes that my hat fell off.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09That's why he cleans my chimneys!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13PHILL: We have here Mariah Carey,
0:03:13 > 0:03:17and I believe the other half is Lou Reed, Tinie Tempah.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Let's see if you're right.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23You're absolutely right, Phill. It's Lou Reed and Mariah Carey.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25APPLAUSE
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- Wait, here's another question for you.- Yeah.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Which of those two played a concert just for dogs
0:03:30 > 0:03:32at the Sydney Opera House?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- Did they at least have their owners? - They couldn't turn up on their own?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Oh, I don't know.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40If the ushers were all trained dog whisperers you'd have probably been fine.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Have you never dog-whispered, Tinie Tempah?
0:03:43 > 0:03:48- I haven't ever dog-whispered, Phill. - Put jam on your bollocks they'll do anything you want, like.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49I think it is Mariah.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Thinking about it, she sings really, really high.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57- EXAMPLE:- She has a lot of octaves. - Dogs only hear really high frequencies.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Yeah, dogs and bats. Mariah sings like that
0:03:59 > 0:04:01so she doesn't bump into the furniture.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05I don't think Lou Reed cares about dogs, I don't think he knows what's going on anymore.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I saw him on Jools Holland and at the end of the song he took his guitar off, like that.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13And he had his arm in the air and the camera panned to Jools for about five minutes,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16so when it panned back to Lou Reed he still had his arm...
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Jools was like, "OK, Lou, you can put your arms down now!"
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Lou Reed, everybody!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- It's got to be Mariah Carey. - Is that your final answer?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Would she not have had mad demands?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Like she wanted them all shaved, or something?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Do the dogs have to be a certain temperature?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Do the dogs have to be 36 degrees?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- How will you find out the dog's temperature? - You stick your finger up its bum.
0:04:40 > 0:04:46I'm fairly sure, Example, that you put a thermometer up its arse, but if you've got that ability...
0:04:46 > 0:04:50It would've been those really small dogs, so you could put five in and kept them as gloves.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55- AUDIENCE: Ohhh! - What's wrong?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57We don't advocate that.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59We are going to show a picture of you like that.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00I'll be like this...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05It's worse when the dog lands on your finger.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I think if you got that up a dog's bum that's bad,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11but if a dog backs into your finger...
0:05:11 > 0:05:12that's not acceptable.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14You could claim it was an accident.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18"Oh, what a doing, it fell into me lubed-up finger. Oh!"
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- I need an answer.- Tinie Tempah, we think it's Mariah Carey.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23You're absolutely wrong, guys, believe it or not.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Lou Reed and his wife played a 20-minute set
0:05:27 > 0:05:30especially composed for dogs, right?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33The crowd were licking their bollocks, sniffing each other's arses,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36shagging everything that moves and shitting everywhere.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It was very much reminiscent of an N-Dubz gig, right?
0:05:39 > 0:05:40LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:42APPLAUSE
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Can we say that?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I'll be all right, I'll be all right.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- NOEL:- Dappy sounds a bit like a dog.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I once gauged his temperature.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I imagine if you do do that to Dappy the hat comes off.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56LAUGHTER
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I'm going to have to move you on. Noel's team, take a look at this.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Wow.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05That looks quite scary, doesn't it?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I'm a Goth, I quite fancy that girl.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11She's lost a contact lens, I'll tell you that.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13It came out when I measured her...temperature!
0:06:13 > 0:06:18Is it Keha, but they forgot to blend it with anyone?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I'm so old I thought she was cold Quiche.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Apparently Keha gets turned on by coins.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- That is a fact, she said that. - CHRIS: How would you find that out?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31When you can't be bothered to carry change around,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33you put it in a cup on the side.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35And I saw her climbing up and she sort of...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38had her fingers in it. She was like that, "Ooh, ooh."
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- You know Keha, don't you? - When I was about 16 we were writing songs together.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46When was that, last month?
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I'm 20 now, I'm a big girl.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52I feel so much like the Child Catcher right now.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I'll be giving you two a lift home tonight.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58On your penny-farthing?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05You're going to get a backy.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- She's American, right? - How do you know she's American?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Oh, she's got a dollar sign in her name.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Imagine if she was European and she had a euro for the E,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17and that disappears in about two weeks' time...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20and then she just goes, "Shhh..."
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- So what was the question again? - Who were the two people?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Marilyn Manson and Keha.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29So why didn't you say that at the beginning?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Tinie, have you got to be somewhere, mate? Do you want to just shove off?
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Let's see if you're right.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Way!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41APPLAUSE
0:07:43 > 0:07:46You're absolutely right. It's Keha and Marilyn Manson.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49But which one wears their own placenta around their neck?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52The whole thing? Cos they're quite big, cos they've had a baby in them.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Bit like an inflated Space Hopper.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Do you think when Marilyn Manson goes to the opticians,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03the optician goes, "OK, this eye now, please"?
0:08:03 > 0:08:04And he goes, "G, D, E..."
0:08:04 > 0:08:07"That's very good, Mr Manson, now the other eye."
0:08:07 > 0:08:11HE GROWLS DEMONICALLY "Satan!"
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"And how is it now?"
0:08:15 > 0:08:16"G...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"B..."
0:08:20 > 0:08:22APPLAUSE
0:08:22 > 0:08:27I think we should go by photo evidence and say there could be something at the end of that chain.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Unless he's hiding it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- Do you work for the FBI? - CHRIS:- What does placenta look like?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35This is what it looks like.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37AUDIENCE: Eugh! That is horrible!
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Do you know what, we got it for you, Pixie!- No!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43No, no, no, no!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Aah!
0:08:45 > 0:08:50What have I told you kids about throwing offal around the studio?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Now the bears are going to come.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- NOEL:- I reckon Marilyn Manson's too obvious,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57so I reckon we should go for your friend, yeah?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- Are you happy with that? - I'm happy with that. - We're going to go for Quiche.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04You're absolutely right, guys. The answer is Keha.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:08 > 0:09:11So basically, guys, she claims that her mum found it in her basement,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13crushed it up and made it into a necklace
0:09:13 > 0:09:16that she wears to improve her psychic abilities.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20She's convinced it works, and that she can read people's minds,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22but I reckon they're mainly thinking,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"Why have you got a fucking placenta around your neck?"
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Next up is my favourite part of the show, it's the intros round.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Phill and Example, here are yours for Chris. Remember...
0:09:30 > 0:09:35- IN GEORDIE ACCENT:- ..it's the title! - He's been doing this all day, it's unbelievable.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38It's a lovely relaxing accent, you have to understand people enjoy it.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43IN GEORDIE ACCENT: It's like putting on a favourite cardigan.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Just do a Geordie version for him. All right?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48# Canny-canny canny-canny
0:09:48 > 0:09:50# Canny-canny canny-canny
0:09:50 > 0:09:53# Canny-canny canny-canny
0:09:53 > 0:09:55# Canny-canny canny-canny # Canny-canny canny-canny
0:09:55 > 0:09:57# Biker, Biker Grove! #
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:02 > 0:10:06If you don't get it, Pixie Lott's going to get it. I can sense that she knows!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- EXAMPLE:- She knows it!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- I feel like it's on an advert. - It probably has been on an advert.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- I'm sure you were in the advert - I wasn't in the advert. - All right, fair enough.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- It's the only one he wasn't in.- The only one he wasn't in! Look at you.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Whoa! Look at him making money, the twat!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Chris, if you don't get this I'm going to have to give it over to...
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I know, I'm really sorry.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Is that Girls Aloud or something?- No.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Saturdays? IN GEORDIE ACCENT:- Sugababes?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- The title!- Is it something like Freak Like Me? - Yes, it's Freak Like Me!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Well done, Pixie Lott.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Well done, Noel's team.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40You're absolutely right, Pixie.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Here's how it should have sounded, you Newcastle bunch of twats.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45MUSIC: Freak Like Me By the Sugababes
0:10:47 > 0:10:51# Let me lay it on the line... #
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Keisha from the Sugababes
0:10:52 > 0:10:55admitted in an interview that she'd never heard of The Doors.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57This was of course rectified in 2009,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00when she was shown one with an exit sign above it.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03APPLAUSE
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Ah, everyone's going to hate me after this. Next one.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
0:11:12 > 0:11:14# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
0:11:14 > 0:11:17# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
0:11:17 > 0:11:20# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
0:11:20 > 0:11:21# Doo-doo-doo-doo... #
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Can I just shoot off, cos...
0:11:23 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I think I just did.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- It's like a Carry On show tonight. - I know! What's happened?
0:11:31 > 0:11:35It's your face, it's making everyone sexually excited.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- You can't just make your face into a lolly, it's ridiculous. - Don't do that.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Imagine loads of kids at an ice-cream van.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45What are you going to get, a Tinie Tempah?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I've only got enough for a Tinchy Stryder!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50It helps you to rap
0:11:50 > 0:11:51and to rhyme.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55# I'm on Never Mind The Buzzcocks In my... #
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I haven't thought this through.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- What did you think it was? - I thought it was Tetris.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Oh, I'd love to do Tetris. - I would.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07# Bing bing-bing bing
0:12:07 > 0:12:08# Bing bing-bing bing
0:12:08 > 0:12:10# Bing bing-bing bing... #
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Tetris!- Yeah, well done. - I got it, one point.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14# Bing bing-bing bing
0:12:14 > 0:12:16# Bing bing-bing bing Bing bing-bing bing... #
0:12:16 > 0:12:19LAUGHTER
0:12:19 > 0:12:21APPLAUSE
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Any ideas, Chris?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- No.- All right, Noel's team, what you saying?
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- Is it in the same kind of vein, era... - EXAMPLE:- Not giving you any clues.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32You think you're going to sit there like a sexy panda
0:12:32 > 0:12:34and bat your little eyelashes at us
0:12:34 > 0:12:36and we're going to tell you that it's Halo by Beyonce.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Well, we're not going to!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40It's not Halo by Beyonce?
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Yes, correct!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Pixie Lott!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Here's how it should've sounded though...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Hands in the air, everybody.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51MUSIC: Halo By Beyonce
0:12:51 > 0:12:54AUDIENCE CLAPS TO BEAT
0:13:03 > 0:13:04So that was Beyonce with Halo.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Jay-Z was in the audience
0:13:06 > 0:13:09during Beyonce's famous Glastonbury headline set.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12He didn't catch much of the act though, because he was too busy
0:13:12 > 0:13:15telling every person in the 175,000-strong crowd,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18"I'm shagging that."
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- That would've sounded better in your accent actually.- I'm shagging that.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:27APPLAUSE
0:13:27 > 0:13:31He could've said it in a posh accent, it would've been much better.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36He could've gone, "Yes, I'm making love to that beautiful woman.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"We're going home and we're making love.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41"And making sure that she has an orgasm
0:13:41 > 0:13:43"at least a fortnight before I do."
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Tinie, when you first came about, right?- Yeah.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I thought you were called Tony Tempah.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Did you?
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Like a mafia boss.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58If you want, I could be Tony Tempah, I could be like your hype man.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- Cos all they do is the last word, don't they?- Yeah.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02So I reckon I could do that.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03- # Yeah, yeah We'll bring the stars- out
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- # We'll bring the women and the stars- out... #
0:14:07 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- We need to get you to Scunthorpe. - Yeah, what is it with Scunthorpe?
0:14:17 > 0:14:22- You've been to Southampton but you've never been to Scunthorpe. - I've always wanted to go.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26If you haven't been to Scunthorpe in the audience, can you please make some noise.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:28 > 0:14:31So as you can see, it's pretty much the majority of people...
0:14:31 > 0:14:32- JOEY:- I've got a plan, right?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I'm probably the only person on this show
0:14:35 > 0:14:39that's ever been on it and still lived with their mum and dad, right?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41But bear with me... Fuck off. Right?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44What I was thinking was, after this, all bolt back to mine, right?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47We can have an after-party in the conservatory.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49My mum said it's all right as long as we...
0:14:49 > 0:14:53don't wake her. She's got to work in the curtain shop in the morning.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57And then we could just hire a coach and all go to Scunthorpe.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Do you really think it's as easy as that?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02All right. Noel and Pixie, here are yours for Joey.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Can we do this in surround sound?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- One of you on each side.- Do you want to get in the middle?- OK.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Ready?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12# Doo-doo Bah-bah
0:15:12 > 0:15:13# Doo-de-loo-de-loo
0:15:13 > 0:15:15# Bah-bah Bah-bah
0:15:15 > 0:15:17# Doo-de-loo-de-loo
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun dun dun dun
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun
0:15:22 > 0:15:23# Boom-boom
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- # Bah-bah doo-doo - # Dun dun dun dun dun-dun dun dun dun
0:15:27 > 0:15:30# Dun dun dun dun dun-dun
0:15:30 > 0:15:36- Do you know what, I know it, but I can't say it.- Yes?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Phill's team.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Is it I Was Made For Loving You?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Correct! Well done, Chris.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45APPLAUSE
0:15:45 > 0:15:47It was Kiss, I Was Made For Loving You,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49and here is how it should've sounded.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51That was pretty good though, by the way.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54MUSIC: I Was Made For Loving You By Kiss
0:16:10 > 0:16:12So that was Kiss with I Was Made For Loving You.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Gene Simmons has the longest tongue in the music industry.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Apart from the one Louis Walsh has up Simon Cowell's arse.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Come on, Horny Tempah.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Right, Joey.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Do you know what's going on, do you want your mummy?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37She's in the curtain shop, she's coming to get you later.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41I feel like I've just stumbled onto a school production of Oliver.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50The reason I'm dressed like this is because I'm babysitting for Tim Burton's kids later.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52APPLAUSE
0:16:54 > 0:16:57# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo... #
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Oh, I know it already. - # Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- # Doo-doo-doo - # Ba-ba-deh-be-dah... #
0:17:03 > 0:17:07If I get this wrong I've got to sleep in the dog bed tonight.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Where is the dog going to sleep?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10On Example's finger!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15APPLAUSE
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Is it I'm On Fire by Kasabian?
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Absolutely not.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- How did you mess that up? - It's Barbra Streisand.- What?!
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Phill's team gets it.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- What is it?!- Barbra Streisand!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31It was Duck Sauce and Barbra Streisand.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Here's how it should've sounded.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36MUSIC: Barbra Streisand By Duck Sauce
0:17:39 > 0:17:42# Barbra Streisand. #
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Barbra Streisand thanks Liza Minnelli for her big break,
0:17:47 > 0:17:51as she convinced her to ignore criticism that she looked funny.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Chin up, Example, things are going to be all right.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58What are you doing?! Unbelievable.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Like one of those spoilt kids at a birthday party,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04you broke your own toy and then swapped it with mine when I wasn't looking!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- I don't deserve a good one.- Oh, no!
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Joey's that kid at the party that smells a bit weird and doesn't get picked up at the end.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21There's always one as well, there's always one.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23So Round Three is the identity parade.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Phill, Chris and Example, what about some '80s New Wave pop?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30For the audience only, here is Adam Ant.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33# Desperate
0:18:33 > 0:18:36# But not serious
0:18:36 > 0:18:39# Your kisses drive
0:18:39 > 0:18:43# Me delirious... #
0:18:43 > 0:18:47That was Adam Ant with Desperate But Not Serious.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51But which of our line-up is trumpeter Tony Hughes?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Is it Number One, Desperate, But Not So Serious?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Is it Number Two, Desperately Seeking Susan?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Is it Number Three, Desperate For A Wee?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Is it Number Four, Desperate For A Cure?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Or is it Number Five, the Mayor of Scunthorpe.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- What number are you?- I'm the answer.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23To be fair, after being in the music industry,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26being the Mayor of Scunthorpe is quite a cushy little job.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30It's quite a leap that, isn't it? Playing trumpet for Adam Ant -
0:19:30 > 0:19:31and also Mayor.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- A man of many talents. - He can speak as well!
0:19:34 > 0:19:39We're not in Scunthorpe now, mate. You don't make the rules. Right? Shut up!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41You don't talk to the Mayor like that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:47 > 0:19:50We're having a party at my mum and dad's.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52You can come, but a couple of ground rules.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54One, we've got to stay in the conservatory,
0:19:54 > 0:19:58and B, not make too much noise because my mum's got to work. Want to come?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- And you'll come to Scunthorpe afterwards.- Defo.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Put me down as a "maybe".
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- CHRIS:- Why should we visit Scunthorpe?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Is it better than Southampton?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Great town, Southampton, but greater still is Scunthorpe.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - He's talking in riddles.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16He's talking in riddles.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18We'd love to have you up there.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- What's the biggest venue you've got?- The town hall.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24What's on the board, what's the picture?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Scunthorpe!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Are you free to host next week?
0:20:29 > 0:20:33You come up to Scunthorpe...
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Can you do that bit of your song and just get him to say Scunthorpe when you're supposed to say it?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41All right. I've been to Southampton, but I've never been to...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Scunthorpe.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Best thing I've heard all day.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Phill, you'll have to give me an answer
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- We'll go for four. - OK. Let's find out right now.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Will the real Tony Hughes please step forward?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Aaah!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Now a successful businessman who plays trumpet on the side,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Tony Hughes, ladies and gentlemen!
0:21:09 > 0:21:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Tony Hughes, everybody!
0:21:16 > 0:21:21Noel, Pixie and Joey, how about some Noughties boy-band pop?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22For the audience only,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25from Popstars: The Rivals, it's One True Voice.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28# How can I be heard?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32# In my heart I am a poet Don't know how to show it
0:21:32 > 0:21:39# If only I had Shakespeare's way with words... #
0:21:39 > 0:21:42That was One True Voice with Shakespeare's Way With Words.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45But which one of our line-up is singer Jamie Shaw?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Is it Number One, Jamie Shaw?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Number Two, Geordie Shaw?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Number Three, Shaw For Men?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Number Four, Are you Shaw?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Or Number Five, Surely Not?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05They were the ones who lost out to Girls Aloud.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Yeah, but I liked One True Voice.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Oh, Pixie! I know you've been living on a toadstool in a forest,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12but fucking hell!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Three of them have got flip-flops on.- Oh, yeah!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- JOEY:- That is not acceptable.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22They must have worn flip-flops, or why would they be in flip-flops?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Athlete's Foot.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31Not going to be Singer's Foot being in One True Voice, is it, Phill?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Go on, touch them.- Am I allowed? - Go on, squeeze their nips.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- You absolutely are, go for it, Pixie.- I'll come with you.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Come on then, Beetlejuice, let's get this over with.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Let's skip like we're in the forest.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48OK, what do you think? You give 'em a grope and see which one...
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- This one is not...smiling!- No.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56- CHRIS:- Kiss him.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Oh, my God!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03AUDIENCE: Aw! He's not doing anything.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04You give it a go.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- I think it's Number Two. - He is pretty handsome, isn't he?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Yeah, but he looks like he was successful for a bit
0:23:12 > 0:23:16and then he didn't really know what to do after the band split up,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19so he just went, "Yeah, I'm going to go travelling and shit."
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Don't you think that one looks like Olly Murs a bit?- Kind of.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Give me your hat.- Olly Murs... - Actually... Yeah, that one.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34APPLAUSE
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I think it's Three, but I think he looks too young to have been in it years ago,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41because it was quite a while ago.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:51Are we supposed to be spotting someone from Run-D.M.C. now? Has the game changed?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53It's so Number Two.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Look how handsome Number Two is.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58- If I was a manager...- You fancy him, don't you?- Yeah, a little bit.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01What's it got to do with you?!
0:24:01 > 0:24:07If I was a boy-band manager, and I was hanging around dark corners going, "Oh, hello, boys!"
0:24:07 > 0:24:14"I need a boy band. Oh, Number Two, hello, I've got some flip-flops!"
0:24:14 > 0:24:16We need a final answer. Pixie, what do you reckon it is?
0:24:16 > 0:24:20I don't know if you're aware of this, but I am the captain of this ship.
0:24:20 > 0:24:26You can't just come in here with your charisma and your cool, refreshing smile and easy charm.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30And your millions of masks, trying to make friends with the audience.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33I've been working here for three years!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35All right, we'll give it to Pixie.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- OK, I think it's Three for some reason.- Let's find out.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Will the real Jamie Shaw please step forward.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44CHEERING Yeah! Woo!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46APPLAUSE
0:24:46 > 0:24:51Now working as a supporting manager for the company that insures me,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Jamie Shaw, ladies and gentlemen! - APPLAUSE
0:24:57 > 0:25:00And at the end of that round, Phill's team has three,
0:25:00 > 0:25:01and Noel's team has five.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04APPLAUSE
0:25:06 > 0:25:10And now, because at the ripe old age of 23 I have my first book out,
0:25:10 > 0:25:14this final round is all about famous musical autobiographies.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I'll read some quotes and then from the options I give,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18you have to guess whose book it's from.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Noel's team are in the lead, so you go first. The time starts now.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Was that Britney Spears or Marilyn Manson?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- That was Manson.- Correct.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38After we had taken our clothes off,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41it soon became clear that Gareth was very inexperienced.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Was that Katie Price or Simon Cowell?
0:25:47 > 0:25:48It was Jordan.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Correct, Katie Price, Being Jordan.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Obviously when you sleep with someone,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55you want them to tell everyone you're inexperienced.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Absolutely. That's a Jordan thing to do.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Whereas Simon Cowell kept his mouth shut, and I appreciate him for that.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Next one guys.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Was that our very own Phill Jupitus or Jack Dee?
0:26:12 > 0:26:17I'm ashamed to say we've had many a bath together and I can't remember.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Too many bubbles, that's my excuse.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Let's go for Jack Dee.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Incorrect, it was Phill Jupitus
0:26:22 > 0:26:24with Good Morning Nantwich.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Phill's team, your time starts now.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Was that me or Cliff Richard?
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- Sir Cliff Richard.- Incorrect! It was me, with My Story So Far.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- What do you do for the older female fans?- You have to buy the book to find out.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50How have you got a book? You're 23, it should be a pamphlet.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Example, can you do a good Irish accent?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Oh, hello there, I'm Louis Walsh.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Perfect, well done. All right, when I say, "And said..."
0:26:58 > 0:27:03You need to say, "Listen, dye your hair blonde for the next time Simon Cowell comes."
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- All right.- "Louis took me to one side and said..."
0:27:05 > 0:27:09"Listen, you got to dye your hair blonde for the next time Simon something..."
0:27:09 > 0:27:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Was that Olly Murs or Westlife?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- It's got to be Westlife. - Correct. Westlife, with Our Story.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25"I dreamed I was on holiday and a crocodile was in my bathroom
0:27:25 > 0:27:27"wearing my Converse trainers.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28"I pushed him into a bath
0:27:28 > 0:27:32"and the water was boiling and skin came off."
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Was that Noel Fielding or Iggy Pop?
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Ooh.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Have you ever worn Converse? You wear ladies' shoes, don't you?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40How very dare you, Example?
0:27:42 > 0:27:43- All right, Iggy.- Iggy Pop.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Incorrect, it was Noel Fielding, The Scribblings Of A Madcap Shambleton.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I like the name of that book.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
0:27:55 > 0:27:57And the final scores are - Phill's team has six,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00but this week's winners are Noel's team with eight!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Thanks to Phill, Chris and Example,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Noel, Pixie and Joey.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I've been Tinie Tempah.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15I'm off to Southampton -
0:28:15 > 0:28:18not Scunthorpe though, definitely Southampton.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Good night!
0:28:19 > 0:28:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:26 > 0:28:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:31 > 0:28:35E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:48 > 0:28:50HE MUMBLES
0:28:51 > 0:28:54BANGING AND YELLING
0:28:55 > 0:28:58To Scunthorpe, Driver.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00TYRES SCREECH