0:00:20 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:31 > 0:00:36Welcome to a very Christmassy Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Phill and Noel, please reveal the Buzzcocks Christmas host.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43It's Bob Mortimer.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:50# Lock up your pigeon
0:00:50 > 0:00:51# Tranquillise your wife
0:00:51 > 0:00:54# Cos Christmas time is here
0:00:54 > 0:00:58# Pull up your pantyhose nice and tight
0:00:58 > 0:01:00# I'm your Buzzcocks host tonight
0:01:00 > 0:01:02# So jump down to Aldi
0:01:02 > 0:01:04# Buy a box of vodka
0:01:04 > 0:01:07# Cos Christmas time is here
0:01:07 > 0:01:08# Yah! #
0:01:08 > 0:01:11CHEERING
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Welcome to Never Mind The Christmas Buzzcocks.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I'm Bob Mortimer and, look, there was a Christmas joke
0:01:19 > 0:01:23and a Christmas fact in the Christmas cracker.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Phill, would you like to hear the joke
0:01:26 > 0:01:28or would you like to hear the fact?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Fact, please, Bob. - Fact. Wow, who'd have known?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Professor Brian Cox is so clever
0:01:34 > 0:01:38he doesn't need to wear 3-D glasses to watch a 3-D film.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:44So that leaves you with the joke, Noel.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49- OK.- What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50I don't know.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52We are both lawyers.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Oh, those Christmas crackers and their ways.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01On Phill's team tonight...
0:02:04 > 0:02:07..is a Spice Girl who has
0:02:07 > 0:02:0931 tattoos on her body.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Mind you, she is from Liverpool, so some of those may just be graffiti.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15It's Melanie C.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18APPLAUSE
0:02:21 > 0:02:25And an actor who plays a werewolf in Being Human.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27If you don't know what a werewolf is, imagine
0:02:27 > 0:02:31if Justin Lee Collins only behaved like that once a month.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34It's Russell Tovey.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36APPLAUSE
0:02:36 > 0:02:38And on Noel's team...
0:02:41 > 0:02:44..is not only a leading dubstep producer
0:02:44 > 0:02:47but also my favourite Glade plug-in.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50It's DJ Fresh.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53APPLAUSE
0:02:54 > 0:02:57And a comedian who is set
0:02:57 > 0:02:59to appear in Noel's sketch show.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Be careful, you don't want to be typecast as a jazz-playing turtle.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04It's Joey Page.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06APPLAUSE
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Russell, you've been in the sitcom Him And Her.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- And you've been in Being Human. - That's right.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- History Boys and so on.- Correct.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18So I have got to take this opportunity to ask you,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22has Nick Knowles ever reared up behind you without you noticing?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Not without me noticing, no.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It's Christmas time. What's your favourite carol?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Favourite carol? I like Little Donkey.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29- NOEL:- I like Little Donkey.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30It's a classic, isn't it?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31It sort of get a bit funky.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33# Little donkey
0:03:34 > 0:03:37# Boom-chicka, boom-chicka boom-chicka.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41# On a dusty track, dusty track Cha-cha-cha. #
0:03:41 > 0:03:43And you play the coconuts.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44That's the hooves.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Yeah.- It wouldn't be Jesus' hooves, would it?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50No. No.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Let's begin with Round One - Do They Know It's Christmas Time At All?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Phill, Melanie C and Russell, take a look at this.
0:03:57 > 0:04:04# We found love in a hopeless place We found love in a hopeless place. #
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Yes, it's the conservatively dressed, publicity-shy,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Bajan shrinking violet Rihanna.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14That was Rihanna with We Found Love,
0:04:14 > 0:04:19but what was she secretly paid £5 million to do?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Was it A) Turn on the Christmas lights?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Was it B) Dress as a sexy Santa's helper?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Or C) Ride a reindeer?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Russell, is that a prop or have you turned into a reindeer?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33It's a were-deer.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I mean, for her to dress up in some...
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- What is it, dress up as a sexy elf? It's not a push, is it?- Yeah.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Surely the novelty with Rihanna, dressing her up, would be to
0:04:43 > 0:04:45dress her up in an unsexy way.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46You know, as a Beefeater.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48LAUGHTER
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I would personally like to see her dressed like a sexy Santa's helper,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55riding a reindeer, switching on Christmas lights.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58You want to get your money's worth, don't you?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Wouldn't we all? But it's not an option.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- £5 million.- 5 million.- Easy-peasy.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I mean, I'd do it for a fiver, to be fair.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08She needs the money cos she's always on this yacht
0:05:08 > 0:05:10and she's always just going round and round the globe.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13If I got the £5 million, I would get a boat and just match her
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and I'd go around next to it
0:05:15 > 0:05:17and every time that she had one of her massive parties on it,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I'd put my pyjamas on and go across and go,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"Do you mind turning it down? I've got work in the morning."
0:05:23 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- Hasn't she trapped a load of people on a plane at the moment?- Really?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30She ran a competition to go on a plane
0:05:30 > 0:05:32and she won't let the people off the plane.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34No-one else has heard about this, no?
0:05:34 > 0:05:38I've introduced it at far too late a stage.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Look out for it.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41LAUGHTER
0:05:41 > 0:05:42- RUSSELL:- Are they still on the plane?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44They're on the plane as we speak, yeah.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47One person has managed to communicate with the outside world.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49The experience sounds terrible.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51SHE GIGGLES
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- RUSSELL:- How long has it been going on?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54I think it's on the sixth day now
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and they're hoping to escape tomorrow, I think.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER
0:05:58 > 0:06:01She demands 5 million to let them off the plane.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05It's not an option. It's a long shot. Do you want to go for it?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Shall have an answer? What do you think?
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Lights, come on.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I'll go with the majority, I'll go with lights.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12It's the correct answer.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15APPLAUSE
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Rihanna was paid an estimated £5 million to
0:06:19 > 0:06:23turn on the Christmas lights at a shopping centre in London this year.
0:06:23 > 0:06:275 million may seem a lot, but she's got to go up into the loft, find
0:06:27 > 0:06:31the box, untangle them and there's always one that doesn't work.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Isn't there, though? Isn't there? Isn't there?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Noel, DJ Fresh and Joey, have a look at this.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45# Well, I'm just a modern guy... #
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Yes, it's old scrotum face himself, Iggy Pop.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58That was Iggy Pop with Lust For Life, but which of the following did
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Iggy demand that he have backstage at one of his gigs?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Was it A) A snow machine?
0:07:04 > 0:07:05B) Seven dwarves?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Or C) A partridge in a pear tree?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12None of these things are really that Christmassy, though, are they?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Snow can happen at any time.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Joey, that's a partridge in a pear tree.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Did your mum just black the windows out at Christmas?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22And go "There's nothing happening, Joey, just go to sleep."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Why would you have a snow machine in your dressing room?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- I don't know. - Can I get in front of it?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh, DJ Fresh!
0:07:31 > 0:07:35It's always the same faces, isn't it, messing about?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Do you have a rider, DJ Fresh?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Just like crisps and sandwiches and stuff. Simple stuff, yeah.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44What sort of crisps? Hula Hoops?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Salt and vinegar.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48This rider you had, did you write it down when you were nine years old
0:07:48 > 0:07:51and you've never bothered to update it?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- What happens to the others?- What others?- You know, the roast chicken.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- It doesn't work, does it, roast chicken?- It's just doesn't, does it?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Well, now and then, if you're a bit ill.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05What about the Spice Girls with riders, Mel?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07We didn't have anything.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Scotch eggs for Mel B?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Scotch eggs.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11- NOEL:- What about you, Joey?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I've only ever had a dressing room once.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I went backstage and I came back out and my dad was like,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"Where have you been?" I was like...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Sorry, for that section of the audience it's like
0:08:20 > 0:08:22that tree's telling the story.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:25 > 0:08:28So I went backstage and I came back and my dad was like,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30"Where have you been?" I said, "In my dressing room."
0:08:30 > 0:08:32He's like, "You've got a dressing room?"
0:08:32 > 0:08:35And I was like, "Yeah." And he went, "Stick my coat in it."
0:08:35 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I want an answer. I need an answer. I'm even going to have to say...
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- HE MIMES:- # Come on! #
0:08:42 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:45# Come on! #
0:08:46 > 0:08:48# Yeah! #
0:08:48 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Come on, Noel's team, let's have an answer.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I reckon it's the dwarves. He probably likes dwarves.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- That's your answer, the dwarves?- Yeah.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59The dwarves is the right answer.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02APPLAUSE
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Iggy Pop asked gig organisers for seven dwarves to be backstage.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Iggy Pop was recently voted the worst celebrity face in the world.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16If you're wondering what Iggy Pop looks like these days,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19just imagine Carol McGiffin with a puncture.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:25And at the end of that round,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Phill's team have 1 and Noel's team have 1.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31APPLAUSE
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Thank you so much for coming, Mel.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38What a privilege to be sat next to you.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- Have you ever been to Posh's house? - Yes, I have.- How posh is it?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Has it got dimmer switches?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Yeah. Dimmer switches in every room.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48When you were the Spice Girls, if you had actually been
0:09:48 > 0:09:52named after spices, I suppose, you would have been nutmeg, yeah?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Why is that?- Because you're kind of hard, aren't you?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I think that's a misconception about me.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- Now I've met you, I feel terrible for saying that.- I'm soft.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I suppose Baby would have been vanilla
0:10:01 > 0:10:02cos it's kind of bland.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04No!
0:10:04 > 0:10:08All right, well, let's call her garlic, cos she's bulbous. No?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I suppose Mel B would have been cumin
0:10:11 > 0:10:13because she's a mucky bastard, isn't she?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- That is fitting.- Fair enough, innit? - Fair play.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Thank you, it's a privilege to have you here.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25So just to set the scene for the next round, I'd like you all
0:10:25 > 0:10:29to imagine a naked Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32squatting down on a supporting beam,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36and gently lowering his bollocks onto a Pepperami.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42He then says, "Imagine waking up to this view every morning."
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Because it's time now for a real Christmas cracker,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49it's the Intros Round.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Phill and Melanie C, here are yours for Russell.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Right.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56# Jing, jing, jing...
0:10:56 > 0:11:00# Ding ding ding ding
0:10:57 > 0:11:00# Dum-dum dadala dow-dow dow-dow dow-dow...
0:11:00 > 0:11:01# Ding ding ding ding
0:11:01 > 0:11:03# Dum-dum dadala dow-dow dow-dow dow-dow
0:11:03 > 0:11:05# Ding ding ding ding
0:11:05 > 0:11:07# Dum-dum dadala dow-dow dow-dow dow-dow
0:11:07 > 0:11:08# Ding ding ding ding
0:11:08 > 0:11:11# Dum-dum dadala dow-dow dum-dum dow-dow. #
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Nope, no idea what that is.- Noel? - I know.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19My mum and dad are in, my mum and dad will be furious with me if I don't get this.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- OK, so what is it? - It's Thin Lizzy, Whiskey In A Jar.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26He's right, you know, and here is how it should have sounded.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27INTRO PLAYS
0:11:34 > 0:11:35# As I was going... #
0:11:35 > 0:11:38So the next one please, Phill and Melanie.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40One, two, three, two, two, three.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42BOTH: # Dum digga-digga, dum digga-digga
0:11:42 > 0:11:45# Dum digga-digga, dum digga-digga
0:11:45 > 0:11:46# Dum digga-digga, dum digga-digga
0:11:46 > 0:11:48# Dum digga-digga, dum digga-digga
0:11:48 > 0:11:51# Dahhh dah-dah-dahhh dah-dah-dahhh... #
0:11:51 > 0:11:55RUSSELL JOINS IN
0:11:55 > 0:11:58RUSSELL CONTINUES SINGING SONG
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Ohhh!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03# Dahhh dah-dah-dahhh dah-dah... # Everybody, come on!
0:12:03 > 0:12:07# Drink, drink, drink your beer... #
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I don't know the next bit, though, I can't get to it!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Do you think if you changed into a wolf, you could get it?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- No, probably not.- Any ideas over there? This one is Christmassy.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- Is it?- Yeah.- Is it Cliff Richard?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Ohhh!- Is it Cliff Richard? - Saviour's Day?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I'm going to give it to Russell.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- It's Saviour's Day, innit?- What?! - Saviour's Day, Cliff Richard.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29And here is how it should have sounded.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31INTRO PLAYS
0:12:41 > 0:12:43# Now we have been through... #
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- I wrote that song, Bob. - Did you? Why?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I've got an announcement just in, folks, sorry and all that.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Just an announcement.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59DCI Falafel of the Poppadom Squad
0:12:59 > 0:13:03will be appearing at the next motion sickness conference in Hull.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Tickets from Calypso Ken at Roadchef.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Sorry, it's just an announcement I had to make before I announce,
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Noel and DJ Fresh, here are yours for Joey.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Off you go.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Oh, Poppadom Squad. Are you all right, are you alive?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- Do you want your mummy? - I'm just a bit worried.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26What do you mean?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28That you slightly fancy me?
0:13:30 > 0:13:35I'm like your mad auntie. "All right, Joey, have a wine, come on!"
0:13:35 > 0:13:38You look like Fenella Fielding molesting a young George Cole.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- I don't know who that is. - George Cole? Cheryl Cole's dad.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Oh, is it? Cool.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- Did you say Cheryl Cole's dead?- Dad. - Oh, dead, sorry. Wishful thinking.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- GROANING - It's a joke!
0:13:52 > 0:13:56It's a comedy show! "Ooh, don't say that!"
0:13:56 > 0:13:58He loved it, though.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02# Byuw-ni-nyuw-ni-nyuw ni-nyuw ni-nyuw-nyuw
0:14:02 > 0:14:05BOTH: # Ooh, cha, boom-boom cha Ooh, cha, boom-boom cha... #
0:14:05 > 0:14:06'Yeahhhh!'
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- Is it Footloose? - It sounded like it, but it isn't.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16# Byuw-ni-nyuw-ni-nyuw ni-nyuw ni-nyuw-nyuw
0:14:16 > 0:14:19# Boom-cha, boom-boom cha Ooh, cha, boom-boom cha... #
0:14:19 > 0:14:20'Come on!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Maybe just focus on the beginning bit.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- That's what I was focusing on. - # Biiiiyoo! #
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- Is it Cheryl Cole?- Mmmm...
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- Ahhhh!- Is it Girls Aloud?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Yeah.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Is it one of their songs?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40As opposed to one of their collages?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- No, sorry. - Then I will have to offer it over.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Sound Of The Underground by Girls Aloud.- That is the correct answer.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53And here is how it should have sounded.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55INTRO PLAYS
0:14:55 > 0:14:58It's quite a good tune. Take it all back.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Got a lot of drum and bass in it.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02# Disco dancing with the lights down low... #
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Good tune. Apart from that bit where they start singing.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- Next one please, Noel and DJ Fresh.- "Bah bah bah!"
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- Yeah?- Yeah, yeah.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14HE BURBLES
0:15:17 > 0:15:19# Maaaa la la la la
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- # Whooooa, boohhh ba-da... # - HE BURBLES
0:15:24 > 0:15:25That's the wrong one.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31HE BURBLES
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- # Um-ah, um-ah, um-ah - Beow, beow, beow
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- # Um-ah, um-ah, um-ah, um-ah, um-ah - Beow, beow, beow
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# Um-ah, um-ah, um-ah, um-ah... #
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Is it the Scissor Sisters?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Are we allowed to give him clues?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48NOEL BURBLES
0:15:49 > 0:15:53It sounds like a lot of songs, like someone's trying to tune the radio.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56If it's any help, Joey, it doesn't sound anything like it.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- I'm having a nightmare, I don't know.- A nightmare. Phill?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- No.- No.- No.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Done a good job there, Noel.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07It was in fact Teletubbies Say Eh-oh.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09And here is how it should have sounded.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11INTRO PLAYS
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Thank you.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:27 > 0:16:28It's all there, Joey!
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Why didn't one of you go... # Ding-di-ding-ding! #
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Because that's the bit where you sing.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36But it was a xylophone, not a voice.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38When we were practising, they said, "If you do that,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41"we'll cut your hands off and you'll have hooks."
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- Now I understand. Whoo, harsh! - And I don't want to have hooks.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Why didn't you tell me what was going on?- What do you mean?
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- If they're bullying you...- Oh, you look like you could really help!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56What are you going to do, rinse a flannel out on top of them?
0:16:56 > 0:17:00So that was Teletubbies with Teletubbies Say Eh-Oh.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04A Christmas number two in 1997.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07The Teletubbies famously all had TVs in their stomachs.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12On one wild tour, they threw Tinky Winky out of a hotel window.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15We also heard Girls Aloud with Sound Of The Underground,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17a Christmas number one in 2002.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Louis Walsh has taken a swipe at Girls Aloud after their comeback.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Well, you know what Louis's like. He's never liked girls.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Aloud.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32So that means at the end of that round,
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Noel's team have one, and Phill's team have four.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38APPLAUSE
0:17:45 > 0:17:46DJ Fresh, thanks for coming.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48The main thing when listening to you, it's the hooks.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50The number of hooks you get into your music.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Then I realise you had Abu Hamza on keyboard.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Who's your nemesis, then?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Is it MC Sell-by?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I thought you were going to say MC Hammer for a minute.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07- Well, he's everyone's nemesis, isn't he?- Who's your nemesis, Bob?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09He's called Mogatron.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13He was in Middlesbrough one week, and he was going round the town,
0:18:13 > 0:18:17saying "I'll kick this chrome ball against your Town Hall."
0:18:19 > 0:18:23"And your fire engines aren't safe." I says, shit, this is my nemesis.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I'd gone off on me BMX. I'm not stupid.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31You'd like me to move on?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Honesty, I feel like an aqueduct on viaduct day.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Time now for the Identity Parade.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Phill's team, how about a Christmas pop classic?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46For the audience only, here is Wham!
0:18:46 > 0:18:50# Last Christmas I gave you my heart
0:18:50 > 0:18:55# But the very next day You gave it away
0:18:55 > 0:18:59# This year, to save me from tears
0:18:59 > 0:19:03# I'll give it to someone special... #
0:19:04 > 0:19:06That was Wham! with Last Christmas.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09But which of our line-up is Kathy Hill who,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11in the video for Last Christmas,
0:19:11 > 0:19:16got caught up in a love triangle with George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Is it number one, Last Christmas?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Number two, last chance?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Number three, lasts all night?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Number four, last of the summer wine?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Or number five, last night a DJ saved my life?
0:19:36 > 0:19:41- Phill.- Ooh!- For a start, how cool is that, to have been in that video?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42- That's true.- Meh...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- What were they, they were in a ski lodge. It was a love triangle.- Yeah.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- There were some crazy jumpers, weren't there?- Yeah, great jumpers.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Kathy?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Nicely tried.- Ooh! I think I know.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Do you?- Got a little reaction off someone.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02You got a little reaction off me, I'm not Kathy.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- I'm drawn to number five for some reason.- Are you?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Yeah.- I'm drawn to number one. - Isn't that funny. I'm drawn to Kathy, number one.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- I- don't think number three looks old enough.- What are you making of number two?- Love number two.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Number two's got the most '80s hair.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19That is true.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23There's only one of them not doing the cowboy hooked finger-thumb thing.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I don't know if there's anything in that.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Are you looking for Andrew Ridgeley or are you looking for the girl?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- The girl.- Sorry. I was playing a different game.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- PHIL:- Joey, in a very real sense, we're all looking for Andrew Ridgeley.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I like number one. I'd like her to be in my pop video.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38We're not asking whether you'd like...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- I think it's number one.- You do as well?- I'm drawn to number one.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- What do you think? - I can go for number one.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Number one, please. Bob.- Yeah? Well, let's find out.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- Would the real Kathy Hill please step forward?- Come on.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52GROANING
0:20:55 > 0:21:00- That's Kathy there. Did you know about George then?- No.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- Do you still see either of them?- No. - Not even a Christmas card from them?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- No.- Pricks.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Still finding success as a model, ladies and gentlemen,
0:21:10 > 0:21:11it's Kathy Hill.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13APPLAUSE
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Now, Noel, DJ Fresh and Joey,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21how about a little snow-based, hot choirboy action?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22It's The Snowman.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27# We're walking in the air
0:21:27 > 0:21:33# We're dancing In the midnight sky... #
0:21:34 > 0:21:37That was Aled Jones singing Walking In The Air
0:21:37 > 0:21:39from the kids' film The Snowman.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44But which of our line-up is Peter Auty who was the original boy
0:21:44 > 0:21:48who actually sang the song Walking In The Air in the film
0:21:48 > 0:21:52before choirboy Aled Jones ruthlessly turned up and released
0:21:52 > 0:21:55his own version which became a hit single, therefore taking
0:21:55 > 0:21:58all the glory, gaining worldwide success
0:21:58 > 0:22:00and huge wealth off the back of it?
0:22:01 > 0:22:06Is it number one with his face like a haunted dance school?
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Is it number two with his face like an abandoned shit farm?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Is it number three with his face like a grieving pug?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Is it number four with his face like a bag of nowt?
0:22:25 > 0:22:31Or number five with his face like Aled Jones's soapy bollocks?
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Noel.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Number one, I mean, seriously?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Imagine him coming down at you...
0:22:44 > 0:22:47..with his parsnip penis.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51What's number two building in that stomach?
0:22:55 > 0:22:59I hope it's number five cos he's the kind of person, you go to him
0:22:59 > 0:23:01and he'd just go, "Aarghhh!"
0:23:01 > 0:23:06- Why aren't you liking four? - RUSSELL:- Yeah, I'm thinking four. That was my first...
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- NOEL:- Really? I'm getting bad vibes off number four. - I think it's number three because
0:23:10 > 0:23:12he looks quite innocent, like he would be a choirboy,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15but he also looks like the evil one in an office that would eat
0:23:15 > 0:23:19all the orange creams out of the Quality Street and then just leave all the shit ones.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Didn't Aled Jones used to wear something
0:23:21 > 0:23:23exactly like that in the video?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26He might just be wearing that cos he's depressed.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- You reckon it's number three? - Yeah, it's got to be.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31DJ Fresh thinks it's three. Joey thinks it's three.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- I'll go with my teammates. Number three.- Let's find out.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Would the real Peter Auty please step forward?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39GROANING
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Who do you think sang it better, Peter? You or Aled?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I did, obviously.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I like his version a lot, but it wasn't as good as mine, no.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Do you still sing?- I do sing. Yeah, I'm an opera singer.- Are you?!- Yeah.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Would you sing us a bit of Spice Girls?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57No.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- Sorry.- Is Aled...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Are his cheeks really that red or does he draw them on?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- I've never met Aled Jones. - You've never met him?- No.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10If you did meet him, would you kick the shit out of him?
0:24:10 > 0:24:11I don't know. I...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Peter, this camouflage around the neck, have you got like a big goitre
0:24:18 > 0:24:24- filled with sex wasps or something?- Yeah(!)- No?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Oh, dear. Well, Peter, thank you so much.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Now singing opera to a professional standard,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31ladies and gentlemen, Peter Auty.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:39At the end of that round, Noel's team have one,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41and Phil's team, you have four.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50It's Christmas, Joey. If I could give you a Christmas wish which was
0:24:50 > 0:24:53you can fry anything in a frying pan...
0:24:53 > 0:24:58I would fry a revolver, like most people. What would you fry?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Stephen Fry.- You'd fry him up?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Cos then he'd be double-fried Stephen Fry.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- So crispy.- Fry squared.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09So, we end with a Christmas edition of Next Lines.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Phil's team, you're in the lead, so you get to go first.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17And your time, hold on, starts...
0:25:17 > 0:25:18now.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22The boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25# And the bells were ringing out on Christmas Day. #
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Correct. The Pogues. Fairytale Of New York.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Be a little wiser, baby. Put it on. Put it on.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33# Cos tonight is the night
0:25:33 > 0:25:35# When two become one. #
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Spice Girls. Two become one.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:43And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Cos it's baking.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48# The greatest gift They'll get this year is life... #
0:25:48 > 0:25:51That's right. Band Aid. Do They Know It's Christmas?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Eight maids a-milking.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Is correct answer from The 12 Days of Christmas.- Yes!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01The whore.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- Underneath the mistletoe. - Last night.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Last night is correct, Mel. Tommie Connor.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15That's it. Noel's team, you need six points to win.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19- Your time starts... - That's not going to happen.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23..now. Long time ago in Bethlehem so the Holy Bible said.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24# Little donkey
0:26:24 > 0:26:26# Carried Mary
0:26:26 > 0:26:27# From a dusty track
0:26:27 > 0:26:29# Dusty track. #
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Mary's boy child Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Day.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34That's Boney M, Mary's Boy Child.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39# 24 people... #
0:26:39 > 0:26:41LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:48It's 12 something.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# 12...submarines.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54# 12 dungarees.
0:26:54 > 0:26:5512 dungarees?!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- 12 drummers drumming. - Argh. That's close. It was a D.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# Stationery. #
0:27:05 > 0:27:06LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Joey, please, come on. We're really losing.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11'Come on!'
0:27:11 > 0:27:13'Come on!'
0:27:13 > 0:27:15'Come on!'
0:27:15 > 0:27:17'Yeah!'
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Book tokens are always handy.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23No. I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25"Maria" Carey. All I Want For Christmas Is You.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# 12 dungarees. #
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# For human beings. #
0:27:35 > 0:27:38When the kids start singing and the band begins to play.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Wizard. I wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48So, the final scores are Noel's team have two points,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50but Phil's team are tonight's winners with six.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:59So, that's tonight's show.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Thanks to Phil, Melanie C and Russell Tovey,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Noel, DJ Fresh and Joey Page.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11This has been Never Mind The Christmas Buzzcocks.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15I've been Bob Mortimer. And as you enjoy the credits roll,
0:28:15 > 0:28:19we're going to have a massive snowball fight with the audience.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Good night and merry Christmas.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25# When the snowman brings the snow
0:28:25 > 0:28:29# Well, he just might like to know
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# He's put a great big smile
0:28:31 > 0:28:34# On somebody's face
0:28:35 > 0:28:39# Well, I wish it could be Christmas
0:28:39 > 0:28:42# Every day
0:28:42 > 0:28:45# When the kids start singing
0:28:45 > 0:28:48# And the band begins to play
0:28:49 > 0:28:53# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas... #
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd