:02:54. > :03:04.This programme contains strong MUSIC: From ET, the movie.
:03:04. > :03:33.
:03:33. > :03:40.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
:03:40. > :03:44.I'm Skpam pull or EG, which is a bit like ET, the T becomes a G,
:03:44. > :03:52.hence EG, like in ET. Ask your mum about it, it's really
:03:52. > :03:56.good. Trust me. On Phill's team - it's a rapper who we can confirm
:03:56. > :04:00.absolutely does not share the same name as the current diet Victoria
:04:00. > :04:05.Beckham is following, it's wretch three two.
:04:05. > :04:10.-- Wretch 32. And he made his movie debut this
:04:10. > :04:13.year in the film The Wedding Video playing an oaf with a questionable
:04:13. > :04:23.sense of humour. Thank God no acting was required. It's Rufus
:04:23. > :04:25.
:04:25. > :04:29.Hound. And with Noel tonight - is a British soul singer and Mercury
:04:29. > :04:34.Prize nominee who's debut albuff is entitled Is Your Love Big Enough.
:04:34. > :04:39.Though it's not how big your love is, is it lads, it's what you do
:04:39. > :04:43.with it. It's Lianne La Havas. And the choir master who has spent
:04:43. > :04:48.much of his career getting young boys to open up, but in a positive
:04:48. > :04:53.way. It's Gareth Malone. APPLAUSE
:04:53. > :04:57.We begin with a round called Guess Who?. I'm going to show you a
:04:57. > :04:59.picture where we've morphed together two familiar faces. Whose
:04:59. > :05:04.faces have we morphed together faces have we morphed together
:05:04. > :05:12.here? I think somewhere Tom Jones is looking at a paternity suit,
:05:12. > :05:15.whoever it is. I like the afro with the fringe at
:05:15. > :05:22.the front. That's a look people should think about. Might want to
:05:22. > :05:28.think about. It's two pop stars which have been smashed together.
:05:28. > :05:31.Before you answer, Wretch and Gareth, I was nervous tonight
:05:31. > :05:34.because you're both from very different walks of life. I thought
:05:34. > :05:37.that you could share some likes and dislikes and then by the end of the
:05:37. > :05:43.night, we can ensure that you get on...
:05:43. > :05:50.# And the Love Kick Starts Again # Do you like that? That's my song.
:05:50. > :05:55.Is that you. Just so you know. # And the Love Kick Starts Again #
:05:55. > :05:59.So let's get to know each other better. I never want to come to a
:05:59. > :06:04.cocktail party at your house. This is like let's get to know each
:06:05. > :06:12.other, but you've turn today into a haupbtding moment. Why don't you
:06:13. > :06:17.tell Gareth where you last went on holiday? Ibiza. Where did you go?
:06:17. > :06:24.Cornwall. See how different those two are. Could you tell Wretch
:06:24. > :06:32.about your favourite snack found, do you like houmous? Love it. I
:06:32. > :06:41.love baba ganouch. Do you know what that is No I don't. It's like
:06:41. > :06:48.tabboloue. I'm a bagel kind of man. And occasionally chips as well.
:06:48. > :06:53.you say I eat the whole hole in the middle. No. Could you tell Wretch
:06:53. > :06:59.about the last time you cried? I can't remember. I want to share.
:06:59. > :07:05.Obviously. Think back anyone in your family died recently. Yes. I
:07:05. > :07:10.cried at ET. I really tried hard not to.
:07:10. > :07:15.Are you a crier? Probably when I was younger yeah, at some point.
:07:15. > :07:20.would be, I imagine. It can't have been when you were older. Yeah,
:07:20. > :07:24.then we'd be in trouble. I imagine that you do that crying that kids
:07:24. > :07:30.do when you go afterwards. What about you? Have you ever drunk your
:07:30. > :07:35.own tears? You know when they... You can say yes. Roll down your
:07:35. > :07:38.face. Sometimes they land on your lip and you get a taste. Any way, I
:07:38. > :07:42.feel like we're getting to know each other better. Back to the
:07:42. > :07:46.picture. Who are the stars? One of them is Chris Martin out of
:07:46. > :07:50.Coldplay. And the other one is clearly will.i.am from the Black
:07:50. > :07:54.Eyed Peas. Let's see if you're correct.
:07:54. > :08:00.That's correct! It was Chris Martin and will.i.am.
:08:00. > :08:03.Is that a bow tie or a rare butterfly? It's so beautiful
:08:03. > :08:07.butterflies land where a bow tie should be.
:08:07. > :08:13.LAUGHTER Which of these two claim their
:08:13. > :08:18.music has been used to put horses in the mood for sex? I played
:08:18. > :08:23.Coldplay to my cat and sterilised it. The last time I heard a Black
:08:23. > :08:31.Eyed Peas track I wished instead a horse was fucking me in my ear.
:08:31. > :08:37.LAUGHTER Real horses or pantomime? Real
:08:37. > :08:44.horses. Do you think when you're shagging a pantomime horse someone
:08:44. > :08:51.goes, "Behind you!" It depends if you ask a horse for its phone
:08:51. > :08:57.number... Horse code! APPLAUSE
:08:57. > :09:02.I was thinking about a pantomime horse cumming and it being fabric.
:09:02. > :09:07.Don't worry about it. Let's make the show about this. We should
:09:07. > :09:13.change this show to the filthy pantomime horse show. It should be
:09:13. > :09:18.never mind the horse cocks. APPLAUSE
:09:18. > :09:21.# And the Love Kick Starts Again # We know what that means. Right,
:09:21. > :09:31.Gareth, why don't you tell Wretch which songs you like to make love
:09:31. > :09:35.
:09:35. > :09:45.to. A healthy dose of silence. Yeah? It's It's hard to maintain an
:09:45. > :09:58.
:09:58. > :10:04.erection to pie jesu. Do you make love to horses? No. As I'm always
:10:04. > :10:08.in a rush, drum and bass man. make a suggestion to Wretch, don't
:10:08. > :10:11.put it out there that when you make love you're in a rush. Hey ladies,
:10:11. > :10:21.I'm quick. On that note would you say you're
:10:21. > :10:26.
:10:26. > :10:32.adventurous in the bedroom? APPLAUSE
:10:32. > :10:36.See, two very different people. Back to the horse sex, who are we
:10:36. > :10:39.thinking? I think it's got to be will.i.am because he seems to have
:10:39. > :10:46.this vibe like he came from the future and he's come back to bless
:10:46. > :10:53.us with his presence. Maybe that's how it goes in ten years? That is
:10:53. > :11:00.the wrong answer. Yes, apparently Coldplay songs put frigid old nags
:11:00. > :11:04.in the mood for sex. Well it certainly worked on Gwyneth. It's
:11:04. > :11:10.OK, I can say this, she goes to my gym. She walked past me the other
:11:10. > :11:14.day on the stairs and she half saw me. When you say she half saw you,
:11:14. > :11:20.do you mean I was standing on the stairs desperately trying to peer
:11:20. > :11:23.into the ladies dressingroom when Gwyneth half saw me. I don't know
:11:23. > :11:29.what's weirder, the idea of that joke or the idea that you go it a
:11:29. > :11:37.gym. I imagine you waking up with sick in your hair. I can't imagine
:11:37. > :11:40.you on the running machine. quite a keen gym-er. You certainly
:11:40. > :11:45.have the terminology down. I like your presenting style. It's so
:11:45. > :11:50.relaxed. A lot of people are like up, on it, bang. You are like, this
:11:50. > :11:56.happened, deal with. It Noel, Lianne and Gareth look at
:11:56. > :12:00.this and tell me who the celebrities are. It's so weird.
:12:00. > :12:08.It's a bit clowny. I like it. Something about clowns I can get
:12:08. > :12:15.turned on by. As long as they're silent. It looks like just one
:12:15. > :12:21.person. It does. It's a very convincing minage of several people.
:12:21. > :12:31.Do you want to guess. Let's push you for the answer. It's Nicki
:12:31. > :12:36.
:12:36. > :12:40.Minaj. It looks like Jessie J-cloth, the eyes. Yes! That is correct.
:12:40. > :12:45.Here's another question. Which of these two young ladies once
:12:45. > :12:49.personally sung a girl out of a coma? I'm going to say I think it
:12:49. > :12:54.was Jessie J. I feel she's the sort of person who would do that, be
:12:54. > :13:00.generous enough to go. Are you saying that minaj, "There's someone
:13:00. > :13:05.in a coma, we need you to sing." I've got stuff to do. If I get hit
:13:05. > :13:11.by a bus, will you try? If that happened, God forbid, I would try.
:13:11. > :13:16.No you have to work your way up. Initially you hum somebody out of
:13:16. > :13:24.an asthma attack, whistle them out of the flu. Playen ban Joe when
:13:24. > :13:29.they have herpes. I don't know. is better at being me than I am. If
:13:29. > :13:32.I get hay fever bring the recorder round, yeah? Absolutely. You think
:13:32. > :13:38.it's Jessie J. It's up her street. That is correct!
:13:38. > :13:41.APPLAUSE It was Jezy Jay who sung a girl out
:13:41. > :13:51.of a coma. At the end of that round, Phill's team have one and Noel's
:13:51. > :14:01.APPLAUSE Time now for the ever popular
:14:01. > :14:11.intros round. Phill and Wretch here are yours. OK? Yeah. Whoa, whoa,
:14:11. > :14:29.
:14:29. > :14:33.whoa. Count me in Wretch 32. He's MUSIC
:14:33. > :14:39.That's good. That's good. Is it, I hate to say I told you so. Do you
:14:39. > :14:46.want another guess? Yes. If it's not that, then yes. Do you know?
:14:46. > :14:56.it main offender, by The Hives. Very good. You're right. Here is
:14:56. > :15:18.
:15:18. > :15:25.And the next one, please. One, two, MUSIC
:15:25. > :15:32.Lenny Kravitz, are you gonna go my way. Correct, here's how it should
:15:32. > :15:36.have sounded. We heard Lenny Kravitz with are you
:15:36. > :15:46.gonna go my way. He's half Jewish and half black. Whereas I look
:15:46. > :15:48.
:15:48. > :15:55.Jewish and wish I was black. Noel and Lianne here are yours for
:15:55. > :15:59.Gareth. Before you start, as we've got
:16:00. > :16:09.Gareth on the show, I have in my very own, very special military
:16:10. > :16:13.
:16:13. > :16:19.wives. Ladies and gentleman. Actual military wives. Yeah.
:16:19. > :16:27.Recognise them immediately. This looks like a freaky sort of
:16:28. > :16:32.Mastermind. Is that your specialist subject? Yes. Is Rambo porn? Sorry
:16:32. > :16:37.are we bothering at any point to justify this? We're all perfectly
:16:37. > :16:41.happy? In 2012 we're just going to have ladies come out and I'm sure
:16:41. > :16:51.you're all doctors and rocket scientists, but at the moment...
:16:51. > :16:51.
:16:51. > :16:57.Rocket surgeons? Wow! Which one of you is a rocket surgeon? It's quite
:16:58. > :17:03.Ramboesque. It is, I'm glad the heating's on. He doesn't know where
:17:03. > :17:12.to look. I mean, no! I like this guy now, he's cool.
:17:12. > :17:22.Me? Private Fielding can I ask you to do the... Are you ready. Do the
:17:22. > :17:35.
:17:35. > :17:45.guitar. All right. Like a supply MUSIC
:17:45. > :17:49.
:17:49. > :17:59.Is it U2? The correct answer is paradise city by Guns N' Roses.
:17:59. > :18:23.
:18:23. > :18:30.You were supposed to do this? Next I was getting a black box right on
:18:30. > :18:37.time feel there. But it wasn't that. I can be very upset when I turn
:18:37. > :18:47.around and these people aren't here any more. The answer actually was
:18:47. > :18:49.
:18:49. > :18:59.Robin S, show me the love. No-one did that riff. That's your
:18:59. > :19:07.job. And thank you to the military choir.
:19:07. > :19:17.APPLAUSE That's what defendants niz child
:19:17. > :19:21.
:19:21. > :19:26.would have looked like if they'd come from Skegness. Is it Robin S
:19:26. > :19:33.or F? Esque. He's got hay fever, somebody get a recorder.
:19:33. > :19:39.APPLAUSE At the end of that round, Phill's
:19:39. > :19:46.team have two and Noel's team have three.
:19:46. > :19:56.Round three is the identity parade. How about classic mid-90s dance.
:19:56. > :20:00.
:20:00. > :20:06.For the audience only, here's is Tony Di Bart.
:20:06. > :20:11.That was Tony Di Bart with the lead thing. Who is the lead singer. Is
:20:11. > :20:16.it number one, the real thing. Number two, the wrong thing. Number
:20:16. > :20:23.three, the thing from the black lagoon. Number four, thingy out of
:20:23. > :20:27.wotsit. Or number five, the thing we never talk about? Three, request
:20:27. > :20:32.you imagine three having that piercing alto? No. I could imagine
:20:32. > :20:42.three punching a man for a glass of cider. And then singing some sort
:20:42. > :20:43.
:20:43. > :20:46.of shantsy. -- shanty. I do imagine him with his own trawler. Is it
:20:46. > :20:54.just me does number two look pissed off. Number one runs a mobile phone
:20:54. > :20:59.franchise. I think one or four. think one or four. I'm pretty
:20:59. > :21:04.certain it's number two. And the reason I am is because when Example
:21:04. > :21:14.said the geezer's name he turned around as if he was like being
:21:14. > :21:19.
:21:19. > :21:26.summoned for a conversation. Tony? Yep. Will the real Tony Di Bart
:21:26. > :21:30.step forward. Now producing and writing for other artists, Tony Di
:21:30. > :21:37.Bart. Ladies and gentleman. How about some feel good pop from the
:21:37. > :21:43.80s. For the audience only, here is Owen Paul.
:21:43. > :21:51.# Baby, you're my favourite waist of time
:21:51. > :21:56.# Mine, baby, you're my favourite waist of time. That was Owen Paul
:21:56. > :22:00.with my favourite waste of time. Which is Owen Paul. Is it number
:22:00. > :22:06.one, my favourite waste of time. Number two, my favourite uncle.
:22:06. > :22:09.Number three, my favourite pop star is miley siers. Number four, my
:22:09. > :22:15.favourite panel show is 8 Out Of 10 Cats. Or number five, my favourite
:22:15. > :22:20.film is psycho? I'm thinking one, two or three personally. Shall we
:22:20. > :22:30.ask four and five to sit down? can make it easier for you because
:22:30. > :22:31.
:22:31. > :22:35.number five is actually my dad. Your dad's Hulk Hogan. I was
:22:35. > :22:45.strangely drawn to number one. what way? I don't know, I felt a
:22:45. > :22:46.
:22:46. > :22:53.tingle when he came in. I've got the worst technique ever, worse
:22:53. > :22:59.than Columbo's. I don't have a may. It's not four. I have a feeling
:22:59. > :23:05.it's two. It would be one and you had a thing. Listen, my thing
:23:05. > :23:11.should not be relied upon. This thing, you know, let's do what you
:23:11. > :23:18.want. Do you want to say a number. Two. Let's go with two. You think
:23:18. > :23:22.one. Let the lady go for it. think it might be number one.
:23:22. > :23:27.tension in this team. No pressure, number two. Listen Columbo always
:23:27. > :23:32.gets it right in the end. He pretends to be absolutely stupid.
:23:32. > :23:38.Number two. I'll go with my team. Let's find out, would the real Owen
:23:38. > :23:45.Paul step forward? I told you! APPLAUSE
:23:45. > :23:50.My tingle. Now with an album available to buy, Owen Paul, ladies
:23:50. > :23:53.and gentleman. APPLAUSE
:23:53. > :24:03.At the end of that round, Noel's team have three and Phill's team
:24:03. > :24:07.have three. # And the Love Kick Starts Again #
:24:07. > :24:13.You know what that means, it's time to get to know each other a little
:24:13. > :24:20.betser. -- better. As you're best buds now,
:24:20. > :24:26.I'd like you to come up with nicknames for each other. A
:24:26. > :24:30.nickname for Wretch. Be very careful. Yeah nothing stupid like
:24:30. > :24:37.Wretch 32. What's your real name Mr Wretch. Jermaine. You can't say
:24:37. > :24:44.that on TV. Is that a secret. Are you like in disguise? Wretchy.
:24:44. > :24:50.That's good. I like that. Have you got one for Gareth. I'm going with
:24:50. > :24:59.the classic GM. Oh, I like that. Some of the meatier stuff now. Do
:24:59. > :25:03.you prefer shaved, trimmed or au naturelle. Probably shaven haven.
:25:03. > :25:07.What would you prefer of those three, there are other options?
:25:07. > :25:17.This is an impossible question to... I can't answer well. What are you
:25:17. > :25:17.
:25:17. > :25:21.into this morning? 70s bush? I do the singing. OK. Wretch could you
:25:21. > :25:25.think about this as well, we've toured together, have you ever
:25:25. > :25:32.slept with a groupy? You know this is an awkward question to answer
:25:32. > :25:38.because it depends what you define a groupy as? It depends what you
:25:38. > :25:44.define sleeping as. The way to answer that is not a wink. No, he
:25:44. > :25:48.hasn't. You on the other hand, any soldiers' wives? No! Categorically
:25:48. > :25:56.no. Are you serious, their husbands away in Afghanistan? And they've
:25:56. > :26:04.got guns and helicopters and they know where I live. No. Wasn't me.
:26:04. > :26:08.APPLAUSE Brilliant. I feel like we know each
:26:08. > :26:13.other so much better, not just you two, everyone. That is the end of...
:26:13. > :26:19.# And the Love Kick Starts Again # Do a dance. Brilliant. We're going
:26:19. > :26:23.to end with a special game I've created called Example's examples.
:26:23. > :26:27.I have categories. I'm going to ask you for examples of things that fit
:26:27. > :26:31.into the categories. If your answer matches the card you win a point.
:26:31. > :26:34.For example, if I said the category was worst ever winners of X Factor,
:26:34. > :26:40.you could say forever, Alexandra Burke. That would match what's on
:26:40. > :26:47.my card and you would win the point. It's odd that you go for Alexandra
:26:47. > :26:51.Burke over a more traditional target, a Brookstein. The duet she
:26:51. > :26:55.did with Beyonce was one of the most magical moments of musical
:26:55. > :26:59.television. If we're going to start mocking her, where does it end?
:27:00. > :27:05.Let's find out, as we play Example's examples. Phill you go
:27:05. > :27:11.first. Your time starts now. Give me an example of an overly muscular
:27:11. > :27:15.pop star? Madonna. Correct. An example of another member of
:27:15. > :27:20.Coldplay other than Chris Martin? Dave the drummer. Dave what?
:27:20. > :27:26.drummer. I don't know either. Give me an example of a musician who
:27:26. > :27:36.likes to make love to drum and bass? Wretch 32. Give me an example
:27:36. > :27:46.of someone who likes to sing about tractors? The worzels. Me. No rod
:27:46. > :27:48.
:27:48. > :27:53.any Atkins or Jason Aldine. They had I want a brand new o combine
:27:53. > :27:59.harvestor. That's not a tractor. Give an example of an annoying pop
:27:59. > :28:09.star. Yesterday ward. It's my example. Yehdihe Lehbib. No Averil
:28:09. > :28:10.
:28:10. > :28:14.Levin. Give me an example of a whiney pop star? Cher Lloyd. Yes.
:28:14. > :28:20.Nel's team you need four points to win. Your time starts now. Give me
:28:20. > :28:24.an example of a bow tie wearing musician. Will.i.am. Very good, but
:28:24. > :28:33.it's not here. Harry styles or Frank Sinatra. Give me an example
:28:33. > :28:38.of a sexy member of the Spice Girls? Scary. What year? Oh. 93.
:28:39. > :28:43.mel B, post 1999, or Emma, pre-1999. Give me an example of the Best Song
:28:43. > :28:50.ever made. Yours, with a button. another one. Yesterday by the
:28:50. > :28:59.Beatles. No you can't have that. That's a great song stkpw. Bohemian
:28:59. > :29:04.Rhapsody or my latest single. Give me the worst possible pop star duet.
:29:04. > :29:12.Averil Levine and Cher Lloyd. me the cleverest pop star? Will
:29:12. > :29:16.Young. No. Morse risy. David Bowie. D reams, Professor Brian Cox or
:29:16. > :29:22.Professor Green. Give me an example of the most annoying member of
:29:22. > :29:31.Jedward? The one on the right. You could have had Jed or ward.
:29:31. > :29:40.Give me a pop star whose name sounds like the dish patatas bravas.
:29:40. > :29:48.Lianne La Havas. Yes! So the final scores are: Noel's team have five.
:29:48. > :29:53.But Phill's team have six. APPLAUSE