0:00:16 > 0:00:21This programme contains some strong language
0:00:27 > 0:00:30CHEERING
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36I'm Jack Whitehall and to anyone who is thinking, "Hey, he's not cool.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39"He doesn't have any musical pedigree." Let me tell you this.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43At school, I was on the same fencing team as James Blunt's cousin.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Oh, yeah. Welcome to thug life.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49On Phill's team tonight -
0:00:49 > 0:00:51if you're a fan of McFly, you'll be
0:00:51 > 0:00:55delighted to know they're actually appearing at Wembley next July.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Yes, they've got tickets to go and see One Direction.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00It's Danny from McFly.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02CHEERING
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And, she is the funniest woman to come out of Australia
0:01:06 > 0:01:09since Barry Humphries and maybe Shane Warne.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11It's Celia Pacquola.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14CHEERING
0:01:16 > 0:01:20And with Noel tonight -
0:01:20 > 0:01:23he's a comedian and the answer to the question -
0:01:23 > 0:01:25what would Noel Fielding have been like
0:01:25 > 0:01:27if he'd been kept in an attic all of his life?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29It's Paul Foot.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31CHEERING
0:01:33 > 0:01:35And, star of American Pie -
0:01:35 > 0:01:39a film where a guy has full sex with an apple pie.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I've never had full sex but I did once lick out a Greggs Steak Bake.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's Mena Suvari.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48CHEERING
0:01:50 > 0:01:52We begin with a round called Especially For You.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Phill, Danny from McFly and Celia, take a look at this.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59# Ooh, this is an SOS... #
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Yes, its celibacy ring wearing vagina-phobes The Jonas Brothers.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Say what you want about the Jonas Brothers,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08if they've achieved one thing,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10its managing to make McFly look like fucking Nirvana.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That was the Jonas Bros with SOS.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19But which of the following objects underneath your desk was
0:02:19 > 0:02:20given to them as a gift by a fan.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Was it A - a voodoo doll of the band, B - a dead shark
0:02:24 > 0:02:26or C - a jar of toenails?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29With toenails it's always a jar, isn't it? Do you know what I mean?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31It's never a bum bag of toenails, is it?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Of course, the foolish thing about that is
0:02:33 > 0:02:37when you drop the jar of toenails in your, I don't know, crypt,
0:02:37 > 0:02:41it smashes and then how can you tell glass shard from toenail?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I assume they get a lot of, you know,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47those younger boy bands would have the crazy fans.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- I don't think they're technically a proper boyfriend.- Are they not?
0:02:50 > 0:02:56Well, they wear the virginity rings. These are not virginity rings.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59So, they have a ring that is a message saying...
0:02:59 > 0:03:01It's a ring you put on and then you don't have sex.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05It's like a wedding ring. You put it on and then no more sex.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06That's what they do, isn't it?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09What's the rules on masturbating?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Thanks for doing a gesture, by the way.- Do you have to take it off?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14It seems like you probably should. It depends.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I like making love to my hand.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20I light some candles, you know? Have a little scent.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Surely, it would be easier to stop the Jonas Brothers having sex
0:03:23 > 0:03:27if, instead of a ring on one hand - that's no prevention at all -
0:03:27 > 0:03:29you need a cone like you put round a dog's neck.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33But around their waist like a plastic skirt to stop them
0:03:33 > 0:03:35getting near their dirty business.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36God does it in different ways.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39That's the point. Sometimes he does it with rings. Susan Boyle -
0:03:39 > 0:03:40he did it with a moustache.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:43When does he give you a ring?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46He doesn't turn up, does he, with a box of rings?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Do you wake up at night and there's a ring under your pillow?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51It was the virginity fairy.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54When you were in McFly, did you ever think
0:03:54 > 0:03:55of wearing the virginity rings?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57It would have been nice for Tom
0:03:57 > 0:03:59so he didn't feel left out when you were getting laid.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:05I didn't mean that in a mean way. But if you look at the band, like...
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Who's not getting any pussy tonight?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11That's because he's fighting crime.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:15You've all got your thing, haven't you? I always thought
0:04:15 > 0:04:17you had the sort of cheeky, naughty boy thing going on.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20You'd take someone on a date to a fairground, drink a little bit
0:04:20 > 0:04:23of White Lightning on the ghost train then finger them in a dodgem.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Mena, Mena. How lovely is it having Mena on the show?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:04:30 > 0:04:33You look very beautiful. I love what you're wearing.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35You look like a little swan. Are you a fan of McFly?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Say yes.- They are amazing. - Of course.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41# We're going to go to the year 3,000
0:04:41 > 0:04:44# Not much has changed but we live underwater
0:04:44 > 0:04:47# And your great, great, great granddaughter
0:04:47 > 0:04:49# She's pretty fine. #
0:04:49 > 0:04:51That's busted, isn't it?
0:04:51 > 0:04:55- Oh, shit.- Are you saying we live on the water? Like swans?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Swans don't live on the water. They go on to land as well.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03But what does live on water is a swan pedalo. One of those...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:10I saw a swan actually pedalling a swan pedalo.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11It was really confusing.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Mena, I very much liked you in American Beauty.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- It's one of my favourite films. - Thank you.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19When you were all naked with the petals on you
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- and they were just covering... - My bits.
0:05:22 > 0:05:28I remember. I got through about four boxes of Kleenex.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32No! I had hay fever. I was thinking of all the pollen from the petals.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Sorry, they're assuming that I... Well, I didn't on that scene.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It was the on with you on the sofa naked with Kevin Spacey.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41That's when I nearly wanked myself into a coma.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Jesus.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- A little bit of chafing. - Beautiful.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Do you ever get sent weird stuff by fans?- No.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I think I got a letter from prison once. Someone.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Yeah, but we've all got a terrible uncle.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- You've never got any, like, dirty laundry or anything?- Oh, God, no.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00It was in like a carrier bag and it was tied up...
0:06:00 > 0:06:03It was yours!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- What about paintings? Have you received any paintings?- No.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08So lucky I made copies!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11That I sent to you about three years ago,
0:06:11 > 0:06:15I call it Ocean Bliss and it's me and you, we're water-skiing.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18It's for you. And then I did this one...
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- But you haven't signed it. - ..which I call Barmy Summer.- Wow!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23There's Barmy Summer.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27This one is Contorting The Actress Mena Suvari With My Python Cock.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29This is one...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:31 > 0:06:33..I did.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I really, really want that one.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42- They're all for you and I meant to send them, but...- This is amazing.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44What am I thinking in this? I'm kind of looking off.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I think fear is what I was...
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- You shaved, I see?- I have a very hairless body.- Yes, it's nice.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53SHE GIGGLES
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I'm very into male grooming. Anal bleaching as well, I do that.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Seriously, when I bend over, it's like opening a fridge door.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00It lights up the room.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05McFly, you might want to take notes here,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08this is a little bit of a masterclass in flirting.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13- We actually got sent a tampon in the post.- What?!- There we are.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Was it blue like the advert?
0:07:15 > 0:07:20- Yeah, blue!- Let's go back to the Jonas Brothers. Have you met them?
0:07:20 > 0:07:25- Erm, I have actually, yeah. We performed with them once.- Really?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28They actually liked one of our songs and performed it at Wembley.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I bet their version sucked balls.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I bet you were like, "Rrrr." I bet you sent them the voodoo doll.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39And the toenails. So, can I push you for an answer?
0:07:39 > 0:07:44What were the Jonas Brothers sent by a crazed fan?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I think the toenails thing, maybe.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I'm from Australia. We just get... Sharks is just normal.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52It's like bills, bills, shark, bills, shark.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55No big deal, so we'll go with toenails as well.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59OK. That is the wrong answer, I'm afraid. The correct answer was B.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02The Jonas Brothers were once sent a dead shark as a gift from a fan.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Kevin Jonas said, "How did they buy it?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07"Is there a website called Buy A Dead Shark?" Of course not, you idiot.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09It's called we-buy-any-shark.com.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Noel, Paul and Mena, have a look at this.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17# Romeo, Romeo... #
0:08:17 > 0:08:21She's a '60s sex symbol. Think what comes after cougar
0:08:21 > 0:08:25and then go two more after that. It's country legend Dolly Parton.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30# I ain't never seen a cowboy look that good in jeans... #
0:08:30 > 0:08:36Dolly Parton with Romeo, but which of these objects was left on Dolly's doorstep by a fan?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Was it A, a baby, B, a cowboy or C, a baby cow?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS
0:08:44 > 0:08:49- That baby.- That's an ugly baby. - That...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51If I had a child and it looked like that,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I'd leave it on Dolly Parton's step.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I'd go, "Oh, you're beautiful. Get on the step!"
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- That improves it.- Dolly, I love you!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Look at you, you're so motherly. - My child.- What the...?!
0:09:07 > 0:09:11I mean, really? That's Chucky! "I'm going to get you!"
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"I'm going to get you." Let's put him in the boot, Jesus Christ.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Someone from Social Services is going to watch this
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and have a heart attack.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Mena, before we guess what the answer is, we thought
0:09:24 > 0:09:26we would play a little game in honour
0:09:26 > 0:09:29of you being on the show, based on my favourite scene
0:09:29 > 0:09:33in American Beauty where cryptic clues are hidden beneath petals.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I call it Petal Detector.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:39 > 0:09:44- OK.- Let's play Petal Detectors!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46APPLAUSE
0:09:46 > 0:09:49MUSIC: "Any Other Name" by Thomas Newman
0:09:49 > 0:09:53This is your first cryptic clue. Mena, guess what it is.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58Is it a murderer who's put those pictures there on a bit of board.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"Oh, there's my new victims!"
0:10:01 > 0:10:05That's Kevin from Grand Designs.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Kevin and what's the next picture? - Ah, Kevin Spacey!- Yeah!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Woo! Kevin Spacey cos he was in the film.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14With Mena in it!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Here's the next one. What's it going to be? Let's play Petal Detectors!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC - Oh, it doesn't work to that dance.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Oh, cryptic clues.- Lincoln...
0:10:24 > 0:10:29- Oh, pie.- American Pie!- Yeah!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31APPLAUSE
0:10:31 > 0:10:35That's not really a pie, is it? It's an estimation of pie.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40It should be American estimation of pie.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Shall we play the final one?- Yes.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Wrong video! Wrong! No, stop!
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- Yeah!- What's going on there?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54You were smooth, like a Ken doll. What's that?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I let myself go a little bit.
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Um, so let's get back to the game in hand,
0:11:01 > 0:11:05the Dolly Parton - who left what on her doorstep? What do we reckon?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07You couldn't leave a live calf - it'd be against the law.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- Versus a baby! - Leaving a baby's pretty bad.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Not if it's dead. You can leave a dead baby.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:21I mean, obviously it's technically against the law
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- but it won't cause any inconvenience to anyone, will it?- God.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26She...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Can I... Can I push you for an answer?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Was the cowboy dead?- Um...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37When a cowboy dies,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39they've reached the end of their natural usefulness.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I normally steer him into a swimming pool.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Take them up to the diving board
0:11:45 > 0:11:47and give them one last jump.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Like a synchronised swimming Brokeback Mountain?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Yeah.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Would you like to tell me the answer? I would listen to you a lot.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Cowboy.- You've gone with "cowboy"?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I'm afraid it is not a cowboy.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Dolly came home one day to find a baby in a box on her doorstep,
0:12:03 > 0:12:04with a note in it saying,
0:12:04 > 0:12:09"My name is Jolene, my momma has left me and wants you to have me."
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- Hm?- It's actually quite a heart-warming story.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14After discovering the mite on her doorstep,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Dolly gave it to Social Services and never saw it again.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Time now for everyone's favourite - the intros round.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Phill and Danny from McFly, here are yours for Celia.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I'll try and remember how that goes.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29...Any way I'm going to know this.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32BOTH: Da-da-dum-dum-da-dun, Da-da-dum-dum-da-dun.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Ooh! Na-na-ni-now.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Da-da-da-dum, dum-dum.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Da-da-da-dum, dum-dum.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Da-da-da-dow.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Ah! No idea.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Erm... Da-da-da-da.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Da-da-da-dum.- That might be a bit wrong, actually.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46The Da-da-da-dum(!)
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Oh, close!
0:12:48 > 0:12:49- Is it?!- No.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Da-da-da-da.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- I'll throw it over.- Daft Punk.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Oh. Daft Punk.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56It's not Daft Punk.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57- Oh, sorry. - LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:58I didn't think so.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- The correct answer was The Black Keys, Gold On The Ceiling.- Oh!
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Here's how it should have sounded.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06MUSIC: "Gold On The Ceiling" by The Black Keys
0:13:15 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Yeah, rock star!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Chung, chung, chung!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- Argh, ah! - LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Next one, please.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Bum-dabba-dow, da-bum.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Dig-a-dig-a-ding.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Bum-dabba-dow, da-bum, bum, bum.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Ting.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Bum-dabba-dow, da-bum. - Dig-a-dig-a-ding.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Bum-dalla-low, da-bum.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42BOTH: Diddle-a-dum-ba-bum.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45That was bloody good, actually.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48That was lovely. That was a beautiful rendition.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50APPLAUSE
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I'm just going to go to the airport and deport myself.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- LAUGHTER - D'you want to guess?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I, I, I... I don't even know.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Give me a hint.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00It's by Destiny's Child.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03I should know Destiny's Child! It's not Survivor?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- That would be wrong. - Bills, Bills, Bills!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Bills, Bills, Bills - it was, exactly!
0:14:07 > 0:14:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Mena! Mena! Tune!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Bills, Bills, Bills?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16By Destiny's Child?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Put this on... come round, I'll cook you a shepherd's pie...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21open a bottle of merlot...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23couple of episodes of Ice Road Truckers.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- Oh, yeah! - LAUGHTER
0:14:24 > 0:14:27MUSIC: "Bills, Bills, Bills" by Destiny's Child
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Destiny's Child - Bills, Bills, Bills.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33When Beyonce had her baby, she and Jay-Z hired the entire floor of a New York hospital.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36"What would THAT cost?", I hear you ask.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Well... three pensioners, someone waiting for a heart transplant,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41and I had to wait four hours for what should have been
0:14:41 > 0:14:43a routine cucumber removal.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46LAUGHTER
0:14:46 > 0:14:48We also heard Black Keys with Gold On The Ceiling.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Some people have accused The Black Keys of sounding a bit samey.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54That's nonsense. That's a signature sound.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57You might as well say McFly songs are a bit samey.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- The "samey" as Busted.- Yeah!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Now, Mena, here are yours... for Paul.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- Oh, my God! - Are you confident?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- You come in strong with this one, yeah?- OK.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11BOTH: Ding-ding-ding-ding Ding-ding-ding-ding
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Dig-a-dig-a-diggy
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Eh-neh, eh-neh.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Eh-neh, Eh-neh, eh-neh, eh-neh.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Dum-dum-dum-dum...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Eh-neh, eh-neh, eh-neh...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Well, the first thing is to isolate the genre, time.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Yeah.- That would be...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32melodies of the... '90s, I'd say.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34LAUGHTER
0:15:34 > 0:15:36So, then, I have to analyse
0:15:36 > 0:15:38which of the gangs...
0:15:38 > 0:15:41bands, they were, in the '90s.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44In the '90s, there would have been The Spice Girls
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- and Take That was the '90s.- Yep.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49So, sounded not like The Spice Girls.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52They were more, "Wooh!" - like that.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:56You don't know, do you?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I've thought of a singer from the '90s.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Final answer?- "Celina" Dion. - It's NOT "Celina" Dion.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:03 > 0:16:07I reckon we could play the actual song and he might not still get it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Let's hear the actual song. - I think that's a better way of playing the game with you.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14MUSIC: "Banquet" by Bloc Party
0:16:18 > 0:16:20SHE LAUGHS
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Oh, you're mean!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Paul, the answer is...?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Sounds like a band...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Could it be...?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Could it be Guns'N'Roses?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Guns N' Roses is not the right answer!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It's Banquet by Bloc Party,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- and that's how it should have sounded.- Oh!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Final chance. These guys are pretty big.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Famous now, famous for a long time.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Famous now and for a long time?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I feel we should just wing it.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Fuck it, I'll tell you who they are - it's Coldplay.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- All you have to do is get the song. - OK.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Oh!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I can't believe they're making me do this.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Is Coldplay the one with James Blunt?
0:17:03 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER
0:17:04 > 0:17:07APPLAUSE
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I've told you it's Coldplay playing the song, and then you try and guess.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15OK.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18MUSIC: "Paradise" by Coldplay
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Why don't we write it out like hangman's?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25AMBIENT SYNTH
0:17:35 > 0:17:37# When she was just a girl... #
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Paul? Paul, there's your clue.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Paul? Paul! Paul, there's the clue! Look at the clue.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Paul, look!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Paradi...para...pu...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Oh, I see - Paradise.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Yes!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:55 > 0:17:59The answer was Coldplay, Paradise, one point to Paul!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02And at the end of that round, Noel's team has one point
0:18:02 > 0:18:03and Philll's team have one point.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Mena, as one final gift for being such a lovely guest on the show,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I actually, in honour of my second favourite film of yours,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18decided I would bake you a pie with your face on it.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- My God.- So there is the pie I have baked for you to keep.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Oh, my God!- It's apple.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- PAUL: It's got a hole in it.- Sh!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I was just testing to see whether it was still warm.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Round three is the identity parade.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Philll's team, it's Eminem and Robbie Williams.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42# I'm Slim Shady Yes, I'm the real Shady
0:18:42 > 0:18:45# All you other Slim Shadys Are just imitating
0:18:45 > 0:18:47# So won't the real Slim Shady Please, stand up
0:18:47 > 0:18:49# Please, stand up Please, stand up... #
0:18:49 > 0:18:54# Bodies in the Bodhi tree Bodies making chemistry
0:18:54 > 0:18:57# Bodies on my family Bodies in the way of me
0:18:57 > 0:19:00# Bodies in the cemetery And that's the way it's gonna be. #
0:19:00 > 0:19:02That was Eminem with The Real Slim Shady
0:19:02 > 0:19:04and Robbie Williams with Bodies,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06but which of our line-up is Kimberly Lee
0:19:06 > 0:19:09who was presumably forced to do a kiss and tell
0:19:09 > 0:19:11on both Robbie and Eminem?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Is it number one, kiss and tell,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16number two, kiss the boys and make them cry,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19number three, I kissed a girl and I liked it,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22number four, I kissed a girl and it wasn't really for me,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24or number five, kiss of death.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- What was she in? - No - did a kiss and tell, like... - HE MAKES KISSING SOUNDS
0:19:32 > 0:19:36And then... Actually, I don't think they write them themselves.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I sort of don't want to know.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- You don't want to know? - I don't want to know.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Can we draw kittens?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Instead? Can we just draw kittens?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Yes...?
0:19:47 > 0:19:48I've got a pen here, is that all right?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- Would you judge the best kitten? - All right, yeah.- Thanks.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Should we put a time on this and race or are we going for artistic...?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- NOEL:- 30 seconds, go!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Danny from McFly drawing a pussy from memory.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07You legend. You absolute legend.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08- NOEL:- Have you finished?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- DANNY:- Yeah, I finished.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I said kitten! You've drawn a vagina!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Yes, we've actually drawn kittens! - Oh, I thought you were...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I don't think I want Mena to have to see that.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- It's very smutty, Mena, I'm sorry. - I did mine as a Philll Kitten.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Oh, that Philll Kitten?- See? - That's beautiful.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28My one has small bowl of cream.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Danny, let's see it.- Just show it. - You dirty boy!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Just show what you've done, you despicable man!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Show the cameras, Danny from McFly!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Oh, you sick bastard!
0:20:39 > 0:20:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:41 > 0:20:44This is a family show!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Did you really think we were all going to draw...?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- I thought kittens was a nicer way of putting it. - You've put him off his cream!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I think the winner is definitely Philll. That is a brilliant cat.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- PAUL: I think I know which one it is. - Just from behind?
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Well, number two, about five minutes ago she just went like that...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And, sort of, did something to herself in a kind of dismissive,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"What am I wasting my time here for?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"I've done a kiss and tell, I'm the real one," way, whereas the others
0:21:18 > 0:21:24have been more professional, so I think number two is the real one.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Would the real Kimberly Lee please step forward?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33You have to step forward a bit more, actually.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Now studying to be an actress with a role in Downton Abbey -
0:21:36 > 0:21:38only one of those facts is true - it's Kimberly Lee.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41APPLAUSE
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Now, Noel, Paul and Mena -
0:21:45 > 0:21:48how about some classic early '90s butch boy-band action?
0:21:48 > 0:21:49It's Take That.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52# Oh, you can do what you like
0:21:52 > 0:21:54# Do what you like
0:21:54 > 0:21:55# No need to ask me
0:21:55 > 0:21:57# Do what you want
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# Do what you like
0:22:00 > 0:22:02# Do what you like
0:22:02 > 0:22:04# No need to tell me
0:22:04 > 0:22:06# Do what you want. #
0:22:06 > 0:22:09That was to Take That with Do What You Like,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12but which of our line-up is Paul Ellard
0:22:12 > 0:22:14who was very nearly a member of Take That?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Is it number one, take that,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19number two, take that hand off my leg,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23number three, take a long hard look at yourself,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26number four, take two of these after meals
0:22:26 > 0:22:29or number five, take this one back - it's broken.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Why are they all dressed like this? Is that what Take That were like?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Yeah, they were in the early days.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36All leather and flesh.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Are you liking that?- I'm liking it.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- You want to get over there, don't you?- I want to get over, yeah.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Go on, get over there. Have a feel.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Yeah, have a feel.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Well, this man is quite strong.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Yeah, they would have had a strong one in there.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59He's got a good face. He looks like he could be in a boy band.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01We're all on a level playing field
0:23:01 > 0:23:03cos that guy could be Jason Orange and I wouldn't know.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Oh, that isn't Take That? I thought number three was Gary Barlow.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11He looks like he's going to hit you.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17He can't hit me, I've got show business immunity.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21So, he looks relaxed about his life. I reckon this man, in reality
0:23:21 > 0:23:27works in a council, dealing with council tax rebates.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33This man is not making eye contact with me.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34His favourite... Ooh!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39He looks like he's in a gay porn version of Mad Max The Thunderdome.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44This man, his face is...
0:23:44 > 0:23:47gnarled by years of bitterness.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50And he's worn a sort of codpiece thing tonight,
0:23:50 > 0:23:54and I think he did that cos he was like, "Whatever!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57"I just want to get on the telly! I'm wearing a codpiece!"
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I think I've seen enough to make my decision.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02If you'd like to make your way back to the desk.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- It's number one or number four. - Number three? He'd get it!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Yeah, you know I'm talking about you.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Look down at the floor, little cheeky smile.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21And I wouldn't want any eye contact, so that's good.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24You keep looking straight ahead, big guy.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Wring you out like a wet towel. Ooh! You like that!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Yeah! Yeah!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Do you want to make an educated guess?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36It's number one, but we'd like to think it would be number four,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39cos that would be somehow more amusing if it were.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Well, let's find out. Would the real Paul Ellard please step forward.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Oh! Yeah!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Paul, what happened? You went to the audition?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I got to the auditions in London. They came in and said to us,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"Don't worry, you don't have to be able to sing."
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Dancing, 18 hours straight,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07some man walked in and said "I'll have him, him, him and him."
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Now, Jack. Can we find out more about the others?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Number two, what is your real job?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Do you really work in the council sorting out rebates?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Sitting there all day saying, "Yeah, yeah, you'll get that rebate."
0:25:21 > 0:25:23And you're just thinking, "What's the point of it?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"Life is so pointless I can't be bothered with it all.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29"I'm going on Buzzcocks next week, give me a chance to get out."
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Everyone in the office will be saying, "Ooh! Saw you on Buzzcocks!"
0:25:32 > 0:25:34In real life, I'm a gangster.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- A gangster?- Yes.- That's not really a job, though, is it?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41NOEL: You are in so much trouble.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45It's about time the Inland Revenue looked into this man.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48That was the least gangster gesture I've ever seen.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Yeah, you watch it, baby.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53My life is in danger, but, hopefully,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs will get to you, first.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:25:59He is going to find you. He's gone to hunt you down.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02He's gone to bust a cap in your ass.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- Oh, is that nice? - LAUGHTER
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I've never had that before.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Right, and on that note.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Now, running his very own cabaret business,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14under the alias Mr Cabaret, Paul Ellard, ladies and gentlemen!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17APPLAUSE
0:26:20 > 0:26:22So, we end with Next Lines.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Phill's team, you go first.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Your time starts, now!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy..."
0:26:28 > 0:26:31That's Eminem! Vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34"Forgetting what he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36"he opens his mouth, but the words don't come out."
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Sorry, right. "She's just a loner with a sexy attitude.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- "I'd like to phone her, cos she puts me in the mood." - Five Colours, McFly.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- Yeah, but you've got to say the rest.- Oh, what is it again?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47You wrote it!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49# She's just a loner, with a sexy attitude. #
0:26:49 > 0:26:50That's Tom's, that Tom's.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- That doesn't count! You still sang it!- What is it?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- # I'd like to phone her, cos she puts me in the mood.- #
0:26:56 > 0:27:00The rumour's spreading round that she could be a dude?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Cooks in the nude! Not, "could be a dude!"
0:27:02 > 0:27:05It's the live version, could be a dude. Why don't you give me my bit?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- That's Tom's part. - Because he wrote all the good ones!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Oops, I did it again.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- You played with my heart.- Louder!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# You played with my heart... #
0:27:15 > 0:27:19That's lovely. Britney Spears, Oops! I Did It Again. Correct.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21END OF ROUND MUSIC
0:27:21 > 0:27:23APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Noel's team, you need five points to win. Your time starts now.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- "We started singing bye, bye, Miss American Pie."- Oh, come on.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Took the Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Correct. Don McLean, American Pie.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37"You know the preachers like the cold, he knows I'm going to stay."
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- California dreaming. - Yeah, that's right.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42"Tumble out of bed, and I stumble to the kitchen."
0:27:42 > 0:27:44And then make myself baked beans on toast.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49No, it's "pour myself a cup of ambition." Dolly Parton, 9 to 5.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51END OF ROUND MUSIC
0:27:53 > 0:27:56APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58So, the final scores are, Noel's team have four points,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01but Philll's team are tonight's winners with five points!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03APPLAUSE
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Thanks to Philll, Danny from McFly, Celia Pacquola,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Noel, Paul Foot, and Mena Suvari.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks,
0:28:14 > 0:28:15I've been Jack Whitehall.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I don't think I'm ever going to be allowed near Mena Suvari again.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Thank you very much.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22And, over the credits, in honour of American Beauty,
0:28:22 > 0:28:26I'm going to show you the most beautiful thing I have ever filmed.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28There's just so much beauty in the world. Good night.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31MUSIC: "Any Other Name (American Beauty)" by Thomas Newman
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd