0:00:20 > 0:00:25This programme contains some strong language
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- LEE MACK:- 'Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34'And who is your host tonight?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37'Well, if he were a computer, he'd be an Apple Mac.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42'If he were a fast food he'd be a Big Mac with extra cheese.'
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I thought we weren't doing that one...
0:00:43 > 0:00:47'If he were a sex pest he'd wear a mac...'
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Why are we doing that one?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53'If we could afford him he'd be Michael McIntyre...'
0:00:53 > 0:00:54I'm not doing that one!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I don't mind the sex pest joke but I draw the line.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00'Let's get on with the show.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03'Please welcome your host for the evening, it's Lee Mack!'
0:01:03 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I'm Lee Mack.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Unfortunately, Noel can't be here tonight as me and him
0:01:17 > 0:01:19can't legally be within 100 yards of each other
0:01:19 > 0:01:21following a fight when I attempted to tell him
0:01:21 > 0:01:24that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wasn't a documentary.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27So in his place we've booked Professor Green!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:35And on Professor Green's team tonight,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39is a singer who delayed the release of his 2010 album The Hits
0:01:39 > 0:01:41because of a printing error.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Presumably the "S" was in the wrong place.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45It's Lemar!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:50And a comedian whose Geordie accent,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54cute face and lustrous hair has led to comparisons with Cheryl Cole.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57It's only his beautiful singing voice that sets him apart.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59It's Chris Ramsey!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And on Phill's team tonight
0:02:05 > 0:02:09is a singer whose prized possession is a note slipped
0:02:09 > 0:02:12under her dressing room door signed by Bono.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Of course he slipped it under her door. He can't reach the handle!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- It's Amy MacDonald! - APPLAUSE
0:02:20 > 0:02:23And a comedian who is in the BBC sitcom, Him And Her,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26although unfortunately, him and her were unavailable.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28So here he is. It's Joe Wilkinson!
0:02:28 > 0:02:32APPLAUSE
0:02:32 > 0:02:35So we begin with Especially For You.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Professor Green, Lemar and Chris, have a look at this...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40# Love will scar your make-up Lip sticks to me
0:02:40 > 0:02:43# So now I'll maybe leave back there. #
0:02:43 > 0:02:46The UK's top illegally downloaded artist. It's true.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48In fact, I got this clip ten minutes ago.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Downloaded it in my dressing room, easy. It's Ed Sheeran.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56That was Ed Sheeran with Drunk.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58But which of the following objects was given to Ed
0:02:58 > 0:03:00by one of his fans?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Was it A) A ukulele covered in ginger hair?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07B) A carrot cake containing human hair?
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Or C) An Ed Sheeran action figure made of human ginger hair?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Professor Green's team?
0:03:15 > 0:03:16I can't get over the ginger thing.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20It's like when people make professor jokes. "Oh, you're not a real Professor."
0:03:20 > 0:03:23You should make an educated response to that if you're a professor.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Oh, you mean that type of thing.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Right, get it. I'm with you now.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Have you ever had anything weird sent to you?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I've had weird tweets sent to me. It's digital now, isn't it?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- People don't really send weird things.- I've had a weird thing.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I was in France, at a hotel.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43And I'm sure this fan had been waiting outside for ages
0:03:43 > 0:03:46and she said, "Lemar, this is for you, take it to your home."
0:03:46 > 0:03:50I went upstairs and I opened it, and it was a wishbone of a chicken.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53It had a feather on it and some hair!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I kind of just went, "Urgh!"
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Maybe it was a very skinny fan sneaking into your room.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01A really skinny fan! Yeah!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You might have just killed a woman.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I don't want to spread rumours that Lemar killed a woman in his hotel.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- I'm just saying, that's what I've heard.- I have killed no-one!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13It's a lie!
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Look at that cake, man.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18It looks like the carrot cake's got a big, hairy arsehole on it.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21What is the thing with crazed fans and hair?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23If that was sent to me I'd say,
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"I like it but I would like you to remove one ingredient."
0:04:26 > 0:04:29The marzipan - horrible, isn't it?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Regardless of who sent in what, Ed Sheeran has some weird fans.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35He's big in America so he's going to get all sorts.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Oh, he's going to have to wear a hat, it's hot out there.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40He's going to burn, isn't he?
0:04:43 > 0:04:48This looks like somebody skinned Bungle alive.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I think you'll find Bungle was dark brown. You're thinking Sooty.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Carry on, easy mistake.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Can you play this instrument?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57# I want to be drunk when I wake up... #
0:04:57 > 0:04:58There's more chords...
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- It's out of tune, it's not your fault!- Yeah!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Let's have a look.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06It's only got four strings though.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I reckon Ed would probably like that as a present.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- It's better than a pubic cake, isn't it?- Yeah!
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Although I imagine the people from Greggs are watching thinking "Hello!"
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Greggs don't sell carrot cake, they sell pasties and pies.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Wow! Who had money on you knowing that fact?!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Yeah, well, I live in Chelsea now.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29And you're a professor.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I'm doing it again, aren't I?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35He's told me not to do it, I can't help myself.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Hey, what's that, Sooty?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You wish somebody hadn't shoved their guitar up your arse?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- Are we having a guess? - I'd say the cake.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You're right. The answer is B, the cake.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49APPLAUSE
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Ed was given the hair-filled cake by a fan and started eating it
0:05:53 > 0:05:56before finding the clump of fan hair in the middle.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57GROANING
0:05:57 > 0:06:01It's not as sinister as it sounds. It just turns out Mr Kipling has alopecia.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Phill, Amy and Joe, take a look at this.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12# At the Copa, Copacabana... #
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Yes, he's cheesier than a French mousetrap, it's Barry Manilow.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19# At the Copa, Copacabana... #
0:06:19 > 0:06:21That was Barry Manilow with Copacabana.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23But which of the following objects under your desk
0:06:23 > 0:06:26did a fan send to Barry as a gift?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Was it A) A toilet roll with "I Love You" written on every sheet?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33B) A box with a clown's head in it?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Or C) A goldfish called Barry? Phill's team?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39What would be really good and a good joke to play on Manilow
0:06:39 > 0:06:41would be to have thousands of rolls of this toilet paper
0:06:41 > 0:06:46with "I love you" but the last sheet of every roll - "No, I don't."
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Why would you need to write it on every sheet?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I mean, who's ripping off just one sheet each time?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- You're a very frugal man. - I'm not made of money.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59You may have very dirty hands but you're a frugal man.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I'm wrapping it around my hands quite a lot.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I mitten it up before I go in.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Have you ever had fans send you anything mad?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Yes, I had a plane ticket sent to me that was to take me
0:07:12 > 0:07:15from my house to this place in Germany
0:07:15 > 0:07:17with my lover, who was a fan.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- What class ticket?- Just a cheap one.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Did you tell him you weren't going or is he still waiting there now?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I didn't get in contact with him, I thought it would be best.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31There's a guy with a really long beard and some dead flowers at Dusseldorf Airport.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I tell you what, if I open that box and it is Gwyneth Paltrow's head,
0:07:35 > 0:07:39I'll think the budgets have gone up on this show!
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Wow!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Oh, God.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Holy...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48God!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51It looks like Ed Sheeran's dad!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- So what are we dismissing as a definite no?- Get rid of lav rag.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58The idea that putting something up your bum shows I love you.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03I know from experience that's very hard to sell as an idea.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06If you're putting it up your bum, you're using it wrong.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Listen, we're different people, Phill. I have to really get in there, you know what I mean?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I take it out of the Pot Noodle I've just eaten as well!
0:08:13 > 0:08:18I brush my teeth from the inside whilst I'm at it.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Do you keep it on the roll, work it through your body
0:08:20 > 0:08:23and kind of floss yourself?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Yeah!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I'd say go with the clown.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- It would get your attention.- Yeah.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Going with clowns, Ed?- Yeah.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35The actual answer is a toilet roll with "I Love You" written on it.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Barry Manilow was once sent a roll of toilet paper with "I Love You"
0:08:39 > 0:08:42written on every sheet. I imagine he needs a lot of toilet paper.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I don't know if you've ever seen Barry close up but he has
0:08:45 > 0:08:47the most enormous shitty arse.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Now, I wanted to dispel a horrible rumour going round
0:08:54 > 0:08:57that I'm not rock and roll enough to host this show.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59So to prove that I am rock and roll enough,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I'll read out some classic rock and roll antics
0:09:01 > 0:09:04and all you have to decide whether it was me who did those things
0:09:04 > 0:09:06or one of the most rock and roll bands out there today -
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Fleetwood Mac.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Let's play Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14APPLAUSE
0:09:19 > 0:09:24So, who once, after trying LSD, put on some robes, held a crucifix
0:09:24 > 0:09:26and wandered about telling people they were Jesus?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Fleetwood Mac!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Don't dismiss my rock and roll possibilities so quickly, Phill.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- It might have been me!- He looks like Jesus.- Which one?- He really does.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- He looks like you when you had long hair.- Thank you.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43He does!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I take everything as a compliment.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47"You're a prick!"
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"Very kind."
0:09:50 > 0:09:52So we're going Fleetwood Mac.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57The answer actually is Fleetwood Mac.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Who had to publicly apologise to Nicki Minaj, for saying on a TV show
0:10:01 > 0:10:05that they would willingly go to jail for strangling her to death?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I'm trying to be all Brucie about it.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13(MIMICS BRUCIE) "What do you reckon?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"Who tried to strangle her to death? Come on? Who was it?"
0:10:16 > 0:10:18You look like you've got that in you.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21No, that's Andrex, you're thinking of.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23It was, in fact, Fleetwood Mac.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- Haven't they died yet? - Fleetwood Mac?- Yeah.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I lost interest after Tears for Fears's first album.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31You are asking the wrong man.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Who once took four Berocca tablets in one morning
0:10:33 > 0:10:35against the recommended dose...
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Oh, yeah! Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?
0:10:43 > 0:10:44That's rock and roll.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49Amazing. That's properly what that glow is around your head.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52You're damn right it was me because I laugh in the face of instruction.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Who once threatened their accountant with a shotgun?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Surely, Jimmy Carr should have been on that list!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac? - Fleetwood Mac.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Of course it was Fleetwood Mac.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Who brought out his autobiography Mack the Life
0:11:13 > 0:11:15about a simple northern lad who breaks in to showbiz
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and which has already been described as a "cracking read"
0:11:18 > 0:11:21and is available at all good bookshops
0:11:21 > 0:11:23at the very reasonable price of £18.99?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Was it Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac? - I don't know but it sounds shit.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Yeah, you wouldn't like it. None of the words rhyme.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37APPLAUSE
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Thanks for playing Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Time now for the round still sweeping the nation.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52It's the Intros round.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- Phill and Amy, here are yours for Joe.- OK.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Right, do you remember that? - I think so.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00It's looks like you were showing her a photograph of you and her three years ago.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05"Do you remember that? That's when you used to love me."
0:12:06 > 0:12:10# Do-do-do-dah-da-dee
0:12:10 > 0:12:12# Do-do-do-dah-da-dee. #
0:12:12 > 0:12:13I love Star Trek!
0:12:13 > 0:12:17# Daga-diggi-daga-diggi
0:12:17 > 0:12:19# Boom-boom-boom. #
0:12:20 > 0:12:23No, we're not allowed to go further, it's the Intro round.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I thought there was going to be words.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Oh, it's there.
0:12:37 > 0:12:44Oh! You know, it's the bloody intro of that song.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- Joe, I'll give you that, you're close enough.- Yes!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I won't. Blimey, you're a gullible lot, aren't you?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53He's done well, he's close enough.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55He was quite close with that.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00If I had to guess, I would say it was early Aswad.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- I could throw it over. - It's not Satisfaction, is it?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05You're absolutely right. It's not!
0:13:05 > 0:13:09LAUGHTER
0:13:10 > 0:13:13It was actually The Automatic, Monster.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17And this is how it should have sounded.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- You remember it now, don't you, Joe?- Yes.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27And the next one please, Phill.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29One, two...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32# Bam-bam-bam, bam, bam
0:13:32 > 0:13:34# Bada-da, bam-bam
0:13:34 > 0:13:39- # Ba-da-da, bam-bam, bow - Ba-da-da, bam-bam, bow
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- # Ba-da-da-dam - Ba-da-da-dam. #
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I'll be honest with you, I don't think that this round is my forte.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I don't know but I've had a free glass of Vimto
0:13:51 > 0:13:53so I feel like a winner.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58I'm going to...
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Cup. Cup.- Cup?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Is that your answer, cup?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Do you want a clue? It's Kenny Loggins, Danger Zone.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Now, that your final clue.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11It's bloody there!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Aswad covered it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I'll have to pass it over, Lee.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27You said you had it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I think it's Kelly...
0:14:29 > 0:14:33I thought you was serious for a second.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- This is why we should pay attention to them.- He is serious.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39He's actually serious?!
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Something about Danger Zone.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Am I in a dream?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Danger Zone.- Danger Zone by...?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Kelly...
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Kevin!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Kenny Loggins.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53- And the song was... - ALL: Danger Zone!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Actually, no.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57The answer is cup.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00And this is how it should have sounded.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04MUSIC: "Danger Zone" By Kenny Loggins
0:15:06 > 0:15:08We also heard Automatic, with Monster.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- Their last album, Tear the... - HE GARBLES WORDS
0:15:10 > 0:15:13No, that's... I forgot. I had a flashback.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I used to be a Japanese warrior in the 14th century, so...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21We also heard Automatic, with Monster.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Dong-day-ah... Oh, I've done it again!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25We also heard Automatic, with Monster.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Their last album, Tear... Tear...? It is "tear", isn't it?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Tear and tear, they're spelt the same, aren't they?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32That's the problem.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I don't like words that are spelt the same but mean different things.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Like cock and cock.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38We also heard Automatic, with Monster.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Their latest album... We also... We, we, we...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48We also heard Automatic, with Monster.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Their last album, Tear The Sign Down... "Signs"! It's plural!
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I thought they had only committed one crime.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I didn't know they were repeat offenders.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59We also heard Automatic, with Monster.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Good, wasn't it? Right, move on.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05That'll do. Won't it? That'll do.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09OK. Professor Green and Lemar, here are yours, for Chris.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- # Mmm-mmm-mmm,- waaah-naaah
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- # Mmm-mmm-mmm,- baaah-waaah
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- # Mmm-mmm-mmm,- waaah-naaah
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- # Mmm-mmm-mmm,- waaah-haaah
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- # Mmm-mmm-mmm,- waaah-naaah... #
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Got it.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- Got it.- But we're having fun!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- There's too much jewellery over here for my liking!- Don't be like that!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- It was Earthquake, by Labrinth, featuring Tinie Tempah.- It was.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It was.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Here is how it should have sounded.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50MUSIC: "Earthquake" By Labrinth feat. Tinie Tempah
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Sounds a bit like a rape alarm. I would imagine.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56You know, what ever they sound like!
0:16:59 > 0:17:00# Ladies and gentlemen... #
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Next one, please. Why do that?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07I thought I'd add a bit of old-fashioned Egyptian quality
0:17:07 > 0:17:10to the whole show, "Next one, please!"
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Two, three, four...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13# Duh-duh-rum, duh-ruh-dum, duh-rum
0:17:13 > 0:17:15# Duh-duh-ruh, duh-ruh-ruh, duh-ruh
0:17:15 > 0:17:18# Duh-duh-ruh, duh-ruh-duh, duh-ruh
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- # Duh-duh-ruh, duh-ruh-ruh, duh... #
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- # Bah-bah-rah, bah-rah-bah...- Duh
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- # Bah-bah-rah, bah-rah-bah...- Duh
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- # Bah-bah-rah, bah-rah-bah... - Duh-ruh
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- # Bah-bah-rah... - Duh-ruh-duh, duh-ruh. #
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- I haven't got a clue, sorry.- It is actually...- Wait, wait, wait!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Oh, sorry. Amy knows it. Come on, Amy, don't get it wrong!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Is it the Spice Girls, Who Do You Think You Are?- Well done, Amy.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40It is the Spice Girls, Who Do You Think You Are?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42And this is how it should have sounded.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44MUSIC: "Who Do You Think You Are?" By The Spice Girls
0:17:44 > 0:17:47THEY SING ALONG TO BEAT
0:17:47 > 0:17:50# Bop-bee-dooh-rop Deh-doodle-bop-shab
0:17:50 > 0:17:52#Bam-dang-a-ling-oh Ah-diggy-diggy-ding-dong-ding
0:17:52 > 0:17:54# Dack-ee-dooh-geeh Bah-bee-dabby-dooo... #
0:17:54 > 0:17:55I don't know the words. # ..Bah-bah-dah-bah-doo... #
0:17:55 > 0:17:58So, that was the Spice Girls, with Who Do You Think You Are?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01They reformed to sing at the Olympic closing ceremony a few months ago.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05It was the first thing they had sung together live since they met.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13At the end of that round, Phill's team have one
0:18:13 > 0:18:15and Professor Green's team have three.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Now, we have already established
0:18:19 > 0:18:21that I am rock and roll enough to host the show.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23But, there have also been suggestions
0:18:23 > 0:18:24that I am not "street" enough.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Imagine, chaps!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29To prove I am, I'm going to read out some incidents
0:18:29 > 0:18:31and you have to decide whether it was me who did them
0:18:31 > 0:18:34or one of the most street, up and coming performers out there,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Mark "Return of the Mack" Morrison.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Let's play, Lee Mack or The Mack?
0:18:39 > 0:18:44- # Return of the Mack - It is...- #
0:18:44 > 0:18:47So, first one.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Who was once in the papers
0:18:48 > 0:18:51saying he had an £8,000 bracelet stolen from him?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- Was it Lee Mack or The Mack? - It was you, you flash twat!
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- Thank you, Phill. - You are not a jewellery fella.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I'm a jewellery fella! I do jingly jangly! Oh, sorry.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11- Was it Lee Mack or The Mack? - The Mack.- Yes, it was The Mack.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Who once ran his own mobile disco company
0:19:13 > 0:19:15called the Close Encounters Disco Roadshow
0:19:15 > 0:19:17with optional bubble machine?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Was it Lee Mack or The Mack?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- Were you in the Yellow Pages? - I was. I actually was.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33We used to say, "With optional bubble machine and laser beam."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36And the laser beam was home-made by a geezer.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Instead of doing all that, it was just static.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41And the kids would just look down the lens,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43like that, burning the eyeball.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I thought, I better get this moving!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Couldn't afford all the mechanisms, so I got an old fan, like that,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50setting number three.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And that would help blow the bubbles out as well, which was handy.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Obviously, bubbles used to cascade down onto the dance floor,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03and you know when you think Lady In Red, by Chris De Burgh,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06couldn't get any cheesier? Well, you're wrong.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10# Lady in Red... #
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Thanks for playing Lee Mack or The Mack?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- # Return of the Mack - It is
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- # Return of the Mack - Come on...- #
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Round three is the identity parade.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Phill's team, how about some classic turn of the century UK garage?
0:20:23 > 0:20:27For the audience only, here are MC DT and DJ Pied Piper.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29# We are loving it, loving it, loving it
0:20:29 > 0:20:30# We are loving like this
0:20:30 > 0:20:32# We are loving it, loving it, loving it
0:20:32 > 0:20:34# We are loving it like that
0:20:34 > 0:20:36# Hey!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38# Enough to make you rock
0:20:38 > 0:20:40# Sing we come to sing
0:20:40 > 0:20:41# And dance
0:20:41 > 0:20:43# Do you really like it, do you really like it... #
0:20:43 > 0:20:47That was DJ Pied Piper and MC DT with Do You Really Like It?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51But which of our line-up are MC DT and DJ Pied Piper? Is it number one?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Do you really like it?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Number two? Do you really want to hurt me?
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Number three? Do you really think that shirt suits you?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Number four? Do you? Really?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Or number five?
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Do you really have any idea what you're doing here?
0:21:09 > 0:21:15- Phill's team. - UK garage isn't my thang.- Really?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Yeah, got to be honest with you.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22I rather like the name Pied Piper though. So which one it is...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I don't know if any of you ten gentlemen
0:21:24 > 0:21:26have ever been so patronised in your bloody life.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I like the fact the costume department thought,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"I know, put them all in orange jackets!"
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Then realised they had two.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36Them jackets are reversible as well. I used to get them from...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I'm going to hate myself for saying this on TV,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42but there used to be a shop called Geordie Jeans.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Stop laughing, you in the line-up!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47He's laughing at the bloke behind squeezing his bum.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53"He'll never know if it was me
0:21:53 > 0:21:56"or the gentleman in the other orange jacket!"
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- (Number three.)- You reckon? What do you think, Amy?
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- I am leaning towards five. - I would go with you, Phill.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09- I don't want to trust Joe. - Let's find out.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Would the real MC DT and DJ Pied Piper please step forward?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18APPLAUSE
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Yes. Still writing new material.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Ladies and gentlemen, MC DT and DJ Pied Piper!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Now, Professor Green, Lemar and Chris,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35how about some mid-'80s novelty punk?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37For the audience only, here are Toy Dolls.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40# Nelly the Elephant packed her trunk
0:22:40 > 0:22:41# And said goodbye to the circus
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# Off she went with a troppity-trot Trot, trot, trot
0:22:44 > 0:22:46# Nelly the Elephant packed her trunk
0:22:46 > 0:22:48# And tumbled out of the jungle
0:22:48 > 0:22:50# Off she went with a tropity-trot Trot, trot, trot... #
0:22:50 > 0:22:52That was Toy Dolls with Nelly the Elephant.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55But which one of our line-up is lead singer, Pete Zulu?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Is it number one, Toy doll?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Number two? Barbie doll?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Number three? Cabbage patch doll?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Number four? Blow up doll?
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Or number five?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Show me on the doll where he touched you?
0:23:19 > 0:23:24- Prof's team, what do you think? - Number one hasn't blinked yet!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh!
0:23:26 > 0:23:31- Number two looks very happy.- He is just thinking, "They've mixed it up.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"I was supposed to be in next week for the Paul Young line-up."
0:23:36 > 0:23:41- Number three looks like Santa on crack.- Three has got the stance.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- Number two has got the smirk. - How is that punk rock-y?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Because he looks like he is all knowing.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- He is like, "Yeah, it was me. I made a shit song!"- Whoa!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Can I just say? I like the song!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I don't like punk and I don't like Nelly the Elephant.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00But you put them together and something magic happens.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Do you like eggs? No? Do you like flour? No?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Do you like cakes? Damn right you do, brother!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Number two. - Number two? Let's find out.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Would the real Pete Zulu please step forward?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Ah! It's Paul Young.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22APPLAUSE
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Now running a restaurant near Newcastle.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Zulu.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33And at the end of that round, Phill's team have two,
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Professor Green's team have four.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44So, we end with a round called Never Mind Would I Lie To The Buzzcocks?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I'm going to read out some reported quotes from some famous musicians,
0:24:48 > 0:24:52all you have to do is decide if they are real and I am telling the truth,
0:24:52 > 0:24:53or if I made them up and I am lying.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56It is a game which in no way is similar to any other show I do.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Professor Green's team, you're in the lead so you go first.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Your time starts now. True or false?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Britney Spears said, "Where the hell is Australia anyway?"- True.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- It is true. True or false? Kane West said...- "Kane West"?!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I'm 44!
0:25:16 > 0:25:1944!
0:25:19 > 0:25:2044!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Kanye West said, "When I make love,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"I penetrate the mind as well as the body.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26"I definitely know when I've done at least one of these things."
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- True.- Kanye would just fall in! "Oh, sorry, love."
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- Oh, come on, you have lived in Newcastle.- To be fair!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Or any of the northern towns.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43- I reckon that's true. - It's actually false. True or false?
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Lemar said, "I am very good at logic games, like Angry Birds."
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Yeah, I'll tell you what,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53suddenly pronouncing Kanye West's name
0:25:53 > 0:25:56doesn't sound so stupid, does it?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- I hate Angry Birds.- Is there anything you like?!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02You should be Professor Grey, you miserable bastard!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06What a phenomenally specific coloured insult.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10This is like a Geordie version of Reservoir Dogs.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12"He is not going to be Professor Green,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14"he's going to be Professor Grey!"
0:26:14 > 0:26:18You need to remember which fucking team you are on.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Tell you what, you're going to give rap a bad name.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25People are going to start thinking it's an aggressive art form.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28"Now, young man, watch your language and don't talk about bitches or hoes
0:26:28 > 0:26:31"just get on with the game, or you're going straight to your room!"
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Lemar said, "I am very good at logic games, like Angry Birds."
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- He did say it, yeah. I reckon he did.- Did you say it?
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- In a roundabout way, yes!- True!- What do you mean, in a roundabout way?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- It was kind of true.- You mean it is totally true?- Yeah!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45True or false? George Michael said,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48"Honestly, you are going to have to wet that before you put it in."
0:26:48 > 0:26:50No, true or false? What...?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55True or false?
0:26:55 > 0:26:56George Michael said,
0:26:56 > 0:26:58"I get really star struck when I look in the mirror."
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- False.- It is false.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Right, so, Phill's team, you need six points to win.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10And your time starts...now.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12True or false? Britney Spears said,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14"I never really wanted to go to Japan.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16"Simply because I don't like eating fish.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20"And I know that is very popular out there in Africa."
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- That has got to be false. - It is true.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28True or false, Britney Spears said, "I am for the death penalty.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31"Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33"That way he learns the lesson for the next time."
0:27:36 > 0:27:40- True.- It is true.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Britney Spears said...
0:27:43 > 0:27:48- Britney Spears said, "There is no 'i' in 'celebrity'."- True.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- If it's true, she's an idiot. - True.- It's false.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59So, the final scores are, Phill's team have five,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03but Professor Green's team are tonight's winners with seven.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12So that is it. Thanks to Phill, Amy MacDonald,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14and Joe Wilkinson, Professor Green, Lemar, and Chris Ramsay.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I am Lee Mack.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19And as you enjoy the credits, we are going to see just how clever
0:28:19 > 0:28:23the self-proclaimed Professor Green really is and whether he can solve
0:28:23 > 0:28:26this simple mathematical problem before the programme ends.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Good night.