0:00:04 > 0:00:12This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:25 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37R&B superstar, Ne-Yo!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Clear!
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I am Ne-Yo.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Now, my main concern about hosting this show
0:01:37 > 0:01:40was that I'm from the States and, of course, you're from the UK,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43and I wasn't sure if we'd get each other's point of reference.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46But don't worry. I've done a ton of homework and research
0:01:46 > 0:01:48about you and your culture and this show,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51so I think everything's going to be all right.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53All right, on Paul Juniper's team tonight...
0:01:54 > 0:01:58She spent the entire summer appearing at UK music festivals.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01In fact, today was the first time
0:02:01 > 0:02:03she sat on a porcelain toilet since April.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04It's Delilah.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Last time he was on, he hosted the show. Now he's a panellist.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14If he carries on this path, next series he'll be in the ID parade.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18The series after that he'll be in the ID parade as a wrong answer.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19It's David O'Doherty.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:22 > 0:02:25And with Neil Fledgling...
0:02:28 > 0:02:31..is a singer who, because of his surname,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33says people mix him up with Radio 1 DJ, Nick Grimshaw.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Well, we know our celebrity booker did. It's Aiden Grimshaw.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:41 > 0:02:44And after X Factor and I'm A Celebrity...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46she says she's had enough of all that reality stuff.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48You should be all right with Noel.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50He gave up on reality a long time ago.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- It's Stacey Solomon. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:57 > 0:03:00All right, we begin with a round called Sorry, No Refunds.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Phill, Delilah and David, take a look at this.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07# Yeah
0:03:07 > 0:03:08# Your sex is on fire... #
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's Southern good old boys, Kings of Leon,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13who, interestingly, are all related.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Well, of course they are. They're from the Deep South.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18In fact, I think one of them is his own father.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22That was the Kings of Leon with Sex On Fire.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25But what caused them to abandon one of their gigs? Was it...
0:03:25 > 0:03:26A - fireworks?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28B - an anti-royal protester?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Or C - pigeons?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34This isn't a stuffed pigeon.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I'm just really good with animals. LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Step away from the pigeon!
0:03:42 > 0:03:47Fireworks were banned in Ireland until, like, 1995...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49How did you have fun?!
0:03:49 > 0:03:53We used to blow up gas bottles and light cars on fire.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58- When I was 12, my Nan's cat got hit by a rocket.- Aw!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Goes in the milk bottle, doesn't it,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03but the milk bottle tipped over and the cat was looking that way.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Didn't even see it coming.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06MEEOW!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- DELILAH:- You didn't even try and save the cat?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11What, in that split second?!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Like Indiana Jones, I went,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16"Whoa!"
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I picked it up, sucked it like a lolly...
0:04:20 > 0:04:24..patted the cat on the head, and then punched it in the face.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Ah, this is going to be fun! All right. All right!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- DELILAH:- I think it might be the birds.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Have you ever been attacked by...? - I've been attacked by birds,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39but they were from up north and weren't covered in feathers.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Wait, what?!
0:04:43 > 0:04:44It's down to these two.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- Oh!- This pigeon will fly again!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55They're banned in Ireland.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58He's cornered the market, literally, on one quiz show.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02What kind of hellish suicide bomber are you?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05The most fun kind of suicide bomber!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Do we have an answer?- Did a pigeon crap on one of them, mid-song?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- In his mouth?- Oh, my God!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17This is the classiest show I've ever been on(!)
0:05:17 > 0:05:19OK, is the answer the pigeons?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Something involving pigeons and pooping on the Ks of L.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26When you speak through that, I just want to bring a pedalo in.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31OK, that is actually... That's correct.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:05:34 > 0:05:36During one of their shows, the Kings of Leon
0:05:36 > 0:05:39were forced to flee the stage
0:05:39 > 0:05:42after a flock of local pigeons showered the stage with bird poo.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Coincidentally, "Bird shit"
0:05:44 > 0:05:49is also how Kerry Katona asks if she can use the ladies' room.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:52What's a Kerry Katona?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55You don't need to know.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01All right. Noel, Aiden and Stacey, check this out.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03# Hello, hello, hola!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- # At a place called Vertigo... # - Named after what Bono and The Edge
0:06:07 > 0:06:10call the drummer and the bass player, it's U2.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15That was U2 with Vertigo.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18But what ruined one of the band's shows? Was it...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20A - a tiny gnome?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23B - a giant lemon?
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Or C - an average old lady?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29All right, so, we've got a lady. Hello.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Oh, what if the lady pooed on 'em all?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:37 > 0:06:39How can an average little old lady ruin a show?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41How can an old lady ruin a show?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I don't like "average old lady." What's your name?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- Barbara.- Barbara's not average.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48She's a little old, but she's not average.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Barbara's beautiful. - QUIET APPLAUSE
0:06:52 > 0:06:55There's nothing sadder than the lone clap.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59LAUGHTER
0:07:01 > 0:07:02- STACEY:- I wish I had a lemon.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05No offence. You're lovely.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06But that looks fun to play with.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- You've got lemon envy! - A little bit. It's massive.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14- You know, like James and the Giant Peach, but with lemons.- Aw!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17You're going to bore your way in there and live with a centipede.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Isn't that rude? Like, bore?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26The Edge is called The Edge, because his father invented the strimmer.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Thank you.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32You know what, he's not called The Edge. He's called Edge.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35AIDEN: Yeah, The Edge was on WWF.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37He used to spit water out of his mouth.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Or was that Triple X?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I'm so confused! OK, before you guys answer,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I thought it was very important
0:07:44 > 0:07:46you got to know about the American music scene.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49And in America, there's nothing we love more
0:07:49 > 0:07:51than shooting our music stars.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53So, I thought we'd play a little game
0:07:53 > 0:07:56where I give you the name of a music star
0:07:56 > 0:07:58and you have to tell me where on their body they were shot.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02OK, let's play Head, Shoulders, Ne-Yo's Toes!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06THEME SONG PLAYS
0:08:06 > 0:08:08GUNFIRE
0:08:08 > 0:08:09PHILL GUFFAWS
0:08:12 > 0:08:16In what part of the body was 50 Cent shot?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- NOEL:- Ball sack.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Let's go with leg.- Really?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Are we going to go with leg?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Which leg?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- The one closest to the gun. - LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:31- His left leg, Ne-Yo.- Left leg, Ne-Yo.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- NOEL:- OK, we'll say right.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34You say right?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Actually, it was both legs.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I would have accepted the hand,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41the arm, both legs, chest, or the face.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43In the face?!
0:08:43 > 0:08:44He was actually shot nine times
0:08:44 > 0:08:47in front of his grandmother's house, and he survived.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Serves him right for forgetting her birthday.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56In what part of the body was Lil Wayne shot?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- Ear lobe.- Ear lobe?!
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- No, not the ear lobe. That's not on the card.- The nape.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04NE-YO GIGGLES
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- STACEY GIGGLES - The nape?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08It's an English word for the back of the neck.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10You could've just said that!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- HE ADOPTS THICK ENGLISH ACCENT - Er, excuse me,
0:09:12 > 0:09:13could you itch my nape, please?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Someone shot my hands off in the war.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- You're learning a lot tonight! - I am!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I am. I am being educated right now.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24No, the nape is not on the card.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- So you think, Delilah, the chest? - Yeah.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Delilah's going for the chest.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Why, wait, wait, wait!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32That is actually correct. The chest, yes.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Yeah, OK.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- APPLAUSE - He actually once shot himself
0:09:37 > 0:09:39in the chest when he was 12.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42NOEL GUFFAWS
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Vanilla Ice. He wasn't shot,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45but he claimed he was stabbed. Where was he stabbed?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Oh, was it in the integrity?!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:53He was shot in the anus, wasn't he?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56He wasn't shot, he was stabbed.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58But you are actually correct.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59He was stabbed in the bum,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01but his manager claimed later that he'd made it up.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Who lies about being stabbed in the bum?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I'm going to say, "bum," since we're here.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Don't say, "bum." Say, "ASS!"
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Don't curse in front of the nice granny!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12BARBARA: Buttocks!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Buttocks!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Babs, you're here for the whole series!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I think they prefer you...
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Whatever turns you on!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:30 > 0:10:32All right, thank you guys for playing
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Head, Shoulders, Ne-Yo's Toes!
0:10:33 > 0:10:38THEME TUNE PLAYS
0:10:38 > 0:10:40GUNFIRE
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Back to U2.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43What do we think ruined their show?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I think I know this. They did a tour called the Lemon Tour,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49and I think they came down
0:10:49 > 0:10:53onto the stage in a giant lemon.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I know this sounds like one of my jokes, but it isn't.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57This is real life!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00It opened up, they walked out,
0:11:00 > 0:11:01dressed as pips...
0:11:01 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:05One night, it didn't come down.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07It just sort of hovered,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10and they were stuck inside it for about...
0:11:10 > 0:11:1235 years.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17That's actually right. It was a lemon, yeah.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20APPLAUSE
0:11:20 > 0:11:22U2 actually got trapped inside
0:11:22 > 0:11:24a 40ft mechanical lemon
0:11:24 > 0:11:26that they were supposed to
0:11:26 > 0:11:30dramatically emerge from, but instead had to clamber out the back.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32And at the end of that round Noel's team has 1,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34and Phill's team has 1.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36We are at a tie, ladies and gentlemen.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Time now for the round everybody's talking about,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41it's the Intros round.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Phill and Delilah, here are yours for David,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46and the title of the song is what we are after.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Two, three, four.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51# Boom-digga-paga-digga Boom-digga-paga-digga Boom-digga-paga-digga
0:11:51 > 0:11:53# Boom-digga-paga-digga
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- # Boom-digga-paga-digga - # Doo-doo-doo
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- # Da-da-doo-doo-doo - # Boom-digga-paga-digga
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- # Boom-digga-paga-digga - # Doo-doo
0:12:01 > 0:12:02# Boom-digga-paga-digga...#
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Er...I like it, firstly.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I think you guys have got a lot of potential,
0:12:08 > 0:12:09and this could be a hit.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Let's do it one more time, NE-YO!
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Is it one of Ne-Yo's songs?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Whoa!- What?!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Whatever gave you that impression, David(?)
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Er, is it called...er,
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Sensual Buttocks?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Wow!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Oh, Ne-Yo, I'm so sorry,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32but I've got loads of songs
0:12:32 > 0:12:34and you wouldn't know any of them either.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- This could not be more embarrassing! - Do you guys know this?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- I think Stacey knows.- Sexy Love?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43That is absolutely correct. Here's how it really sounds.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45INTRO PLAYS
0:12:45 > 0:12:49# My sexy love... #
0:12:49 > 0:12:51All right. Next one, please.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Come on, you guys. I have to get one. - Two, three, four.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56# Da-naow-daow-daow
0:12:56 > 0:12:58# Digga-naow-daow-daow-daow-daow
0:12:58 > 0:13:00# Daow-daow-digga-naow
0:13:00 > 0:13:02# Digga-daown... #
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Is that, er...?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06# Ba-ba, ba-da-ba-ba... #
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Oh, come on!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11# Ding-ding-ding-DOO-DOO-DOO... #
0:13:11 > 0:13:13David, don't cover your ears! That won't help.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- I'm normally good at this. - Yeah, that's what they all say.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21It's some Rolling Stones song, I know!
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- # Na-na-na-na-na... # - That's not helping!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- This is painful. Do you guys know? - Yeah! Jumpin' Jack Flash!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Aargh!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Yes! Here's how it actually sounds.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34INTRO PLAYS
0:13:40 > 0:13:44# I was born in a crossfire hurricane... #
0:13:45 > 0:13:49That was the Rolling Stones with Jumpin' Jack Flash.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51The Rolling Stones rarely do television interviews now.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53The last time they were seen on the telly
0:13:53 > 0:13:56was when Tony Robinson dug them up on Time Team.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Who's Tony Robinson and what is a Time Team?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Tony Robinson's a dick.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08He's so not a dick. He's the nicest man in the world!
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I love Tony Robinson as well. I know I'm going to meet him now
0:14:12 > 0:14:15and he's going to punch me in the face with a jug.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21They've really run out of stuff to excavate for Time team, though.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22I saw one last week
0:14:22 > 0:14:25and they excavated a Spar shop
0:14:25 > 0:14:28and said it may have been a Costcutter in about 1993.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34All right, Noel, Aiden, here's yours for Stacey.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35- Are you ready?- I'm so ready.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- You feeling good?- I was born ready.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Let's hear the first one.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42PHILL: Stacey, why are you clutching that lemon?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43It's a good luck lemon, innit?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Course it is. If it was a bad luck lemon, I wouldn't have taken it out.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51It'll be quite ironic if Stacey dies of scurvy next year.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:59People fall down the stairs all the time. Just you wait. Bearded man.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02# Buh-duh ba-duh
0:15:02 > 0:15:04# Ba-duh ba-duh ba-da-duh
0:15:04 > 0:15:06# Buh-duh ba-duh
0:15:06 > 0:15:08# Ba-duh ba-duh ba-da-duh
0:15:08 > 0:15:09# Buh-duh ba-duh
0:15:09 > 0:15:11# Ba-duh ba-duh ba-da-duh
0:15:11 > 0:15:13# Bada-bada...
0:15:13 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- What?- Happy Birthday?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- "Happy Birthday?" - It's got to be something, innit?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Is it Ne-Yo?- It's a bit more...
0:15:25 > 0:15:26- Cool?- A bit more pop.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28What, more cool than Ne-Yo? That can't happen, can it?
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I meant like Camden cool, not supercool.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Are you pointing at me and saying Camden cool?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39How dare you? Mrs X Factor!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Sitting there with your lemon.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Don't shake it around! Bono's having a nightmare in there.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Actually, it was Feel Good Time by Pink.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Here's what it was supposed to sound like.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57MUSIC: "Feel Good Time"
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- I would never have known that. - That wasn't bad.- Weren't bad!
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Do you know this song?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- "Do I know this song?"- You can't.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08You're from Camden and places like that.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10DELILAH: I have to stick up for him. I'm from Camden
0:16:10 > 0:16:13and I look like I've washed.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15What?! You can't come on here
0:16:15 > 0:16:19wearing your nana's chandelier and start having a go.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20APPLAUSE
0:16:20 > 0:16:22OK, guys. Next one, please.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24This one's easy.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Is it something Noel would like?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Yeah, it is, actually.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31It's something that me and my dirty Camden friends
0:16:31 > 0:16:33when we're sitting in a pile of needles
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- drinking gin out of a teacup... - I never said you were dirty!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39..all listening to Pete Doherty!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43APPLAUSE
0:16:43 > 0:16:46All right, before any blood is spilled, let's go to the next one.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- That?- Yeah.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Eeh...- Eeh? Yeah.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Eh!- Wee-ah!- Is it your cat?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00# Baaaaah
0:17:00 > 0:17:02# Ba-da-ba-bada-ba... #
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- You do it.- Ah! Duh-nuh, duh-nuh...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- She's got it.- # Bada-da ba dada-baaah!- I know that song
0:17:07 > 0:17:09but what is it called?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11# Ba-bada ba-bada, beeow ne-ne neow
0:17:11 > 0:17:12# Ba ne-ne-ne... Grease!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14APPLAUSE
0:17:14 > 0:17:16There you go. All right.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Here's what it should have sounded like.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- MUSIC: "Grease" by Frankie Valli - Ah!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29# I solved my problems and I see the light... #
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Toothpaste comes out. I love it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34That was Frankie Valli with Grease.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Frankie Valli also wrote Big Girls Don't Cry.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Clearly he's never been in a Jersey Shore nightclub at 3am.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44If you don't know what Jersey Shore is, it's the same as Romford.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50All right, and at the end of that round, Phill's team has 1
0:17:50 > 0:17:52and Noel's team has 4.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54APPLAUSE
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Round three is the Identity Parade.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Phill's team, how about a little turn-of-the-century boy band action?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03It's Busted.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05# That's what I go to school for
0:18:05 > 0:18:08# Even though it is a real bore
0:18:08 > 0:18:10# You can call me crazy
0:18:10 > 0:18:12# But I know that she craves me
0:18:12 > 0:18:14# That's what I go to school for... #
0:18:14 > 0:18:17That was Busted with That's What I Go To School For.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21But which of our line-up is their old teacher Michelle Blair,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23who was the sexy inspiration behind that song?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Is it number one - Miss Blair?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Number two - Miss Demeanour?
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Number three -
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Miss-takenly forgot to do her hair before she got on camera?
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Number four - Miss-tique's nail technician?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Number five - Miss-spent youth?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Or is it number six - Barbara?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46APPLAUSE
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I think it's Babs.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54You think the guy from Busted used to get the horn...
0:18:54 > 0:18:58I mean, with the greatest of respect to Babs...
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Damn straight you keep the greatest of respect to the lovely Barbara.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Ladies think that the horn arrives over the course of a year or two,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10whereas in fact, one day, you're just playing
0:19:10 > 0:19:12with your stamps, your model railway and the next day
0:19:12 > 0:19:14the horn kicks the doors in, like,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16"You couldn't give a shit about that any more!
0:19:16 > 0:19:19"There's a new sheriff in town! Doi-i-i-ing!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- "Sheriff Wanger."- Yeah.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Sheriff Wanger, I like that.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25You wouldn't say wanger?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I wouldn't say wanger, no.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28In France it's "won-jay".
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I had a well horny teacher. - Did you care?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- Yeah! I was 15. I loved it.- Exactly.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40What noise did yours make, Aiden?
0:19:40 > 0:19:41(FLUTTERLY) A-a-ah!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Minus B plus or minus the square root of B...
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Look who's getting frisky from my quadratic equation!
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Would the teacher on duty please report to the staffroom?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Three boys from the lower fourth have sustained erections
0:20:00 > 0:20:02and are writing a song about you.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- OK, who do we think? - Are they still a teacher?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Are they still teaching today?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Not teaching any more. - Because of Busted, I'll bet.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Those boys wrote that song about you... It's three.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Yeah, it is three.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Let's find out. Would the real Michelle Blair please step forward?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Ahh!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26APPLAUSE
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Michelle, do you still keep in touch with the boys?- Yes, with Matt.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- NOEL:- I can pretty much see why the song was written.- Yeah, I get it.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Once you start talking, erections everywhere.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Now running her own management company, Michelle Blair,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43ladies and gentlemen.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44APPLAUSE
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Now Noel, Aiden and Stacey,
0:20:49 > 0:20:53how about some of the worst pop music I've literally ever heard,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55something called a Jedward...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57# ..pressure
0:20:57 > 0:20:59# Pushing down on me
0:20:59 > 0:21:01# Pressing down on you
0:21:01 > 0:21:03# No man asks for
0:21:03 > 0:21:05# I-i-if there was a problem
0:21:05 > 0:21:08# Yo, I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it... #
0:21:08 > 0:21:11That was Jedward with Under Pressure.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14But which of our line-up are James and Beulah Clemo
0:21:14 > 0:21:15who, for a TV stunt,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18ended up with Jedward arranging their wedding day?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Is it number one - Jedward?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Number two - Jedwouldn't?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Number three - Awkward?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Number four - Wayward?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Or Number Five - Edge backwards and don't look them in the eye?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Do you know Jedward?- Yeah, I actually saw them not long ago.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37- I love Jedward.- Do you?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Yeah.- What do you do? What sort of stuff?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- We just, like... - Just push each other into bushes?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46We talk, like, politics and...
0:21:46 > 0:21:49LAUGHTER
0:21:49 > 0:21:51APPLAUSE
0:21:53 > 0:21:57"Politics is cool! Politics is the best thing in the world! Yay!"
0:21:57 > 0:22:00"Here comes a politic! Put it in a jar, Edward!"
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Sorry for the Irish accent. I didn't mean anything.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Yeah, you're much better at an Irish accent.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Oh, you charmer!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I was on a plane with them once, with Kasabian
0:22:14 > 0:22:19and all we could think was, "If this plane goes down,
0:22:19 > 0:22:20"they're fucking front page."
0:22:23 > 0:22:27"And at best, we're just going to get a tiny picture in the corner
0:22:27 > 0:22:29"or our names in italic. That's it."
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I can imagine them being quite organised, actually,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- and doing quite a nice... - Oh, do me a favour!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39The buffet would have been 400 packets of crisps!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42You know them, so we'll leave this one...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44So I know who they organise weddings for?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Well, why don't you ask them some proper questions?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- Instead of talking about politics? - They're not allowed to talk!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I wanted to know about Stalin and things like that.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:02If I wanted to know about Stalin, obviously, I'd phone Jedward first.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- I think it's definitely number two. - Really?- Yeah. She keeps laughing.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10We say two. Number two.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Let's find out. Would the real James and Beulah please step forward?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Well done!
0:23:17 > 0:23:22APPLAUSE
0:23:23 > 0:23:27So, you guys didn't know that it was going to be Jedward
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- organising your wedding? - No, we didn't.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32So how many people did you want to kill when you found out
0:23:32 > 0:23:34it was going to be then?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Myself, mainly.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- They were brilliant.- Really? - Yeah, they were so good.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Have you kept in touch?- No!- No.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47DAVID: What was the thing Jedward brought to it?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Our rings are engraved "Jedward forever", with a heart.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Wow!- Your wedding rings?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- "Jedward forever!"- Is it real gold?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- Yeah.- Melt it down. Make a necklace.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05APPLAUSE
0:24:06 > 0:24:10All right, they're still married, despite their harrowing experience.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12James and Beulah, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15APPLAUSE
0:24:17 > 0:24:19And at the end of that round
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Phill's team still has 1
0:24:21 > 0:24:23and Noel's team has 5. All right!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30So we end with Next Lines.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Here we go. Noel's team, you're in the lead so you go first
0:24:34 > 0:24:36and your time starts now.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"As you pull out your gun,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- "point blank..." - # Got a feeling this can't be... #
0:24:41 > 0:24:43That's mine, I've got songs out!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:46 > 0:24:48It's not the line I needed, though.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50"As you pull out your gun, point-blank,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"got a feeling this can't be..."
0:24:52 > 0:24:55The air is moving around me and I can't breathe.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56- Hey!- The guy knows his own song!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Aiden Grimshaw, This Is Love. All right.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02"She's got a smile. It seems to me..."
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- (HIGH-PITCHED) # Reminds me of childhood...- Memories. #
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Guns N' Roses, Sweet Child O' Mine.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09"So I sing for you,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11"though you can't hear me..."
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I sang it on the Iceland adverts. Did I?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Is it me, but not me?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Could be the other man.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22The other man?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27# So I sing for you Though you can't hear me
0:25:27 > 0:25:30# When we're through, I feel you near me. #
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- Is that the one?- Yeah, that was right, OK. You got it.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Driving Home For Christmas, Stacey Solomon.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37"Yes, I'm back. Well, I'm back."
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Eminem.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42# Guess who's back? Back again, Shady's back, tell a friend... #
0:25:42 > 0:25:44No. That's wrong.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- It sounded so much like it.- Kerry Katona in the next Iceland advert.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55The line is, "Well, I'm back in black,
0:25:55 > 0:25:56"yes, I'm back in black."
0:25:56 > 0:25:58AC/DC, Back In Black.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Oh, shit. I should have known that.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02APPLAUSE
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- Phill's team, you need nine points to win.- Come on, team!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09You guys should be worried, cos I think I only have eight cards here.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- No!- We'll figure it out. All right, your time starts now. Here we go.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15"There she goes..."
0:26:15 > 0:26:16There she goes again.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- The La's.- The La's, there she goes. Nice.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23"Don't want to be an American idiot..."
0:26:20 > 0:26:23# Da-da-da-da ba-ba-ba-ba-bam-bam! #
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Don't want to live in a corporate America?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32No, don't want a nation under the new media.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- Ah!- Green Day, American idiot.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35"Summer breeze makes me feel fine..."
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- Blowing through the jasmine in my mind.- Boom!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Nice. Isley Brothers. See, that's what this guy listens to.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43"There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold..."
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- And she's buying a stairway to Heaven!- Nice.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- Led Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven. - Read them quicker, Ne-Yo!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51"Make me beg for more, climbing up the walls..."
0:26:51 > 0:26:52- Is this one of yours?- Yeah.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- I'm trying to remember the next line.- What do you mean trying?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- You wrote it!- I can't! You're stressing me out!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59What are the words?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01What are the words?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- No-one puts it down like me?- No!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Oh, no!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09"Banging down the doors, no-one lets you hear my scream."
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- Oh, yeah, that was the second part. - Oh, God!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14END-OF-ROUND MUSIC
0:27:14 > 0:27:18APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:20OK, the final scores are
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Phill's team have 4,
0:27:22 > 0:27:27but Noel's team are tonight's winners with 9. Congratulations.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:32 > 0:27:36So that's it. Thanks to Phill, Delilah and David Doherty,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Noel, Aiden Grimshaw and Stacey Solomon. I've been Ne-Yo.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45As you enjoy the credits, in honour of Delilah's song Shades Of Grey,
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Barbara is going to read us some extracts from Fifty Shades Of Grey.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Good night, everybody!
0:27:53 > 0:27:57APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:28:04APPLAUSE AND MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:22 > 0:28:24..his erection springs free.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Join us next time, where your guest host will definitely be
0:28:28 > 0:28:30one of the following Richards.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32A - legendary dead comedian Richard Pryor,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35B - chief executive of the Premier league Richard Scudamore
0:28:35 > 0:28:37or C - the much more likely
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Richard Ayoade.