0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Welcome to a very Christmassy Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:00:34 > 0:00:40Please welcome your Buzzcocks Christmas host, Johnny Vegas!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42# We're walking in the air
0:00:44 > 0:00:51# We're floating in the moonlit sky
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# The people far below... #
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Hello!
0:00:56 > 0:01:01Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Christmas Buzzcocks!
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - I'm Johnny Vegas.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07On Phill's team tonight...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12He's the ex-Westlife singer who left Australia
0:01:12 > 0:01:14because there was no pub culture.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Well, I must have been to a different Australia,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19because there was loads of pubs. No culture, but loads of pubs.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22It's Brian McFadden from Westlife.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:28 > 0:01:30And a comedian who says in her stand-up
0:01:30 > 0:01:33that she believes she's immortal and controls the universe.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37If that's the case, what the fuck are you doing on this shit?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It's Sara Pascoe.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:43 > 0:01:45LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I drank more of that than I intended. And on Noel's team...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56He's a member of electronic music quartet Rudimental,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58although you're not allowed to call 'em that any more -
0:01:58 > 0:02:00you have to say Rudi-bipolar.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04From Rudimental or Rudi-bipolar, it's DJ Locksmith.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:12 > 0:02:14And an award-winning actress and writer who,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16at a recent award ceremony, used the F word
0:02:16 > 0:02:1917 times in three minutes.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20I did the same thing the other night
0:02:20 > 0:02:22when I came home late, begging for sex.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26The next-door neighbour used it even more to get me out of her house.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27It's Jessica Hynes.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Ladies and gentlemen, the teams!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Oh, Johnny, be a unicorn.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Best Christmas for Noel, ever.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48I can grant you three wishes,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51but living through the night is not one of them.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54They lowered us on to a fire.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56You know when the set designers
0:02:56 > 0:02:59don't talk to the costume department...
0:02:59 > 0:03:01"We're going to dress him as a snowman and lower him down."
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"Well, that's funny, cos we're going to put a fire in front of him."
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Right, before we start, it's that time of year
0:03:06 > 0:03:09and I thought I'd ask you some Christmas questions
0:03:09 > 0:03:11just to get us in the mood.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Right, here we go. DJ Locksmith, sprouts or parsnips?
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Parsnips.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Christmas pudding - cream or custard?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Custard all day long. - Cream.- Cream.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Come on.- Cream.- Custard.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Turkey - white or dark meat?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I don't know what the difference is, really.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It's all just chicken, isn't it?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33We're playing the vegan joker.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Oh, don't. I didn't want to say.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37If I say I'm a vegan, I look like I'm a really non-fun person.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I have fun.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Hummus. We're playing hummus.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- Do you enjoy nut loaf? - No, I just have roast potatoes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Just roast potatoes.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I really like roast potatoes, and I dip them in hummus.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52My mum would drag you in the back yard and kick you for that.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56All right, I'm guessing that your Christmas invites
0:03:56 > 0:03:59are going to be pretty thin on the ground this year.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01More roast potatoes and hummus for me, then.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06That's probably the worst question to ask us as well, cos she's a vegan
0:04:06 > 0:04:08and clearly, Phill and I would eat the bird with the feathers on it.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13Would you rather eat a turkey or punch a squid in the face?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18So if the squid is living in its own habitat in the sea,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I'd punch the squid.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25You know what? I knew I could turn this show into some kind of Newsnight.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Trying to get off with your second cousin or your brother's wife?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- It's allowed, second cousin.- Is it? - I'm texting my cousin.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- I've seen your cousin.- Hot.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44He is.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Piss yourself on the sofa or hold it in till you go to bed?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I'll go with sofa, cos I can blame the dog.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00All right, cry in front of your family or alone?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Alone, it's Christmas.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Well, you could - I don't know - break into a stranger's house,
0:05:06 > 0:05:07cry in front of them.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09At least they pretend to care. Don't they, Mum?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Not that you're watching, cos you're at the fucking bingo!
0:05:16 > 0:05:22# Where is love? #
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Right. We begin with All I Want For Christmas.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Phill and Brian from - we have to clear this up - Westlife.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Yeah.- People do get it confused.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I'm not taking the piss - people do get it confused.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- I know, I thought you were Peter Kay when you flew in first.- Oh.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:47You're stabbing me with a carrot, man.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Anyway, Phill, Brian from Westlife and Sara, take a look at this.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56MUSIC: "Mistletoe And Wine" by Cliff Richard
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- # Christmas time - Silent night
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- # Mistletoe and wine - Holy night
0:06:01 > 0:06:06# Children singing Christian rhyme... #
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Surprisingly, given his age,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10it's one of the few cliffs in this country
0:06:10 > 0:06:13that isn't crumbling into the sea. It's Cliff Richard.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16# In the good that we see... #
0:06:18 > 0:06:20That was Cliff Richard with Mistletoe And Wine,
0:06:20 > 0:06:24but how has he annoyed One Direction this Christmas?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Did he join?
0:06:28 > 0:06:34Is it A - he asked them to play elves in his new Christmas video?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37B - he got drunk and threw a fake snowball
0:06:37 > 0:06:40at Harry Styles' head at a Christmas charity fundraiser?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Or was it C - his Christmas mug
0:06:42 > 0:06:46is outselling One Direction's Christmas mug?
0:06:46 > 0:06:47It's not the snowballs, because if Cliff...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50If anybody threw anything at Harry Styles' head,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- they'd probably be dead now with the security they have.- Really?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55That does look like it was removed from my arse a short while ago
0:06:55 > 0:07:00with a snowman doctor going, "It's OK, they're benign."
0:07:00 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER SARA: A snowman doctor!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Cliff Richard's people, they drink tea. Let's be honest -
0:07:08 > 0:07:10his audience are more the mug drinkers than their audience.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- They definitely drink tea. - One Direction people,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16they drink, like, Bacardi Breezer out of a shoe kind of thing.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I think you'll find that they have Ribena out of a box.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- NOEL:- Milk out of a nipple.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36SARA: I like that pose. I want that pose.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38To me, it says, "Beverage?"
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You're the tea-bag man - you'd know. What's going on with that?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48I think Cliff wants to know me, and I want the other four just out of my house before the police arrive.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50There's five of them.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Yeah, well, you've got to keep one in the basement, haven't you?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Anyway...- We think it's this one.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- Yeah.- The mugs. - The mugs, yes.- Which is correct.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Cliff Richard mugs have been outselling One Direction's mugs
0:08:08 > 0:08:09in the Christmas sales.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Over 10,000 festive mugs have been sold this year.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16It's going to be a hell of a Christmas at Huey's house.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22"Why do you keep feeding me the same goddamn lines?"
0:08:22 > 0:08:24"I just said, 'Happy Christmas.' "
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Noel, DJ Locksmith and Jessica, have a look at this.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31MUSIC: "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie
0:08:31 > 0:08:33# We're gonna have a party
0:08:35 > 0:08:37# All night long
0:08:38 > 0:08:39# All night
0:08:39 > 0:08:42# All night long... #
0:08:42 > 0:08:44That's right - if you're over 30,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47it's the voice you were almost certainly conceived to.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48It's Lionel Richie.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50# All night long... #
0:08:54 > 0:08:56That was Lionel Richie with All Night Long,
0:08:56 > 0:09:00but what did Lionel buy for himself for Christmas this year?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Was it A - a plot of land on the moon?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Was it B - a fleet of cars?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Or was it C - a knighthood?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Is this a fleet of cars?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14It just looks like a scene from Midnight Express.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:31 > 0:09:34This is like week one in Marcel Marceau's training college.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39And now without the glass.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER
0:09:48 > 0:09:52That's like the oldest football in the world, isn't it?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I actually thought it looked like Ainsley Harriott.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Jessica looks like she's waiting for a really rough owl to arrive.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Oh! Land on me, Jessie! Come on.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Can we get the fire brigade on stand-by?- So there we go.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- Wow.- The problem is, I just feel like Lady Gaga.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Call me kinky, but I definitely would.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17I would 100%.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:19 > 0:10:20APPLAUSE
0:10:23 > 0:10:25OK, I'm going to have to pres you for an answer.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27The window. The window!
0:10:27 > 0:10:31- Not a window, it's a fleet of cars. - The fleet of cars!
0:10:31 > 0:10:32- The fleet of cars.- Course it is.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Last Christmas, Lionel bought himself
0:10:41 > 0:10:43a fleet of seven Mercedes cars.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47One of Lionel's most famous songs is a duet with Diana Ross -
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Endless Love.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I don't know about you, I don't have time for endless love.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58That's one of them - I promised I'd write summat, and I didn't.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Kids who want to get into comedy think it all comes out your head.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07It doesn't. It's sitting on a train, being spat at with a Biro.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Anyway, at the end of that round,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Noel's team have one and Phill's team have one.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Right. Time now for the Christmassy edition of the Intros Round. No-el!
0:11:26 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's a Christmas show, not Noel.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31# No-el! #
0:11:31 > 0:11:33DJ Locks!
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Coming at you with a Yale.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- OK, you know which one we're doing first.- Yeah, I've got it.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I'm going to get up, because this outfit needs showing off.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- OK, so you're ready, yeah?- I'm good.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53NOEL HUMS
0:11:53 > 0:11:54HE WHISTLES
0:12:10 > 0:12:11HE CAWS
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- Know it. Sara knows it. - I have to say, that was good.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- That was really good. - That's it, a DJ and a raven.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I know it, but I just don't know what it's called.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I'm going to offer it over.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Is it When A Child Is Born?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Sara is right. It's When A Child Is Born by Johnny Mathis.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Let's hear how it should have sounded.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36TRACK PLAYS
0:12:36 > 0:12:39You're so good, you're so good. You're good.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Come on, that was pretty close.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43It was me.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I'm the weak link in this chain.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49This is the point where my mum would drop a quiche and wet herself.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54HE CAWS
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Right, OK. Now, number two.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01- # Ba-boom- Ka-king
0:13:01 > 0:13:02- # Ba-boom - Ka-king
0:13:02 > 0:13:03- # Ba-boom- Ka-king
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- # Ba-boom - Ka-king
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- # Ba-ba-ba-ba-boom- Ka-king
0:13:07 > 0:13:08- # Ba-boom- Ka-king
0:13:08 > 0:13:09- # Ba-boom- Ka-king
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- # Ba-boom - Ka-king... #
0:13:11 > 0:13:12HE LAUGHS
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I got into that a bit too much there.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Oh, come on.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20It's like the sexiest Christmas song you could ever have.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Santa kissing Santa or something like that?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Oh! You sicko!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Santa kissing Santa. Sorry, I'm going to have to hand it over.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- I'm guessing the vegan's got it. - Santa Baby - that's what I meant.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- Santa Baby - I know that's what you meant.- Vegan's on fire.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37She's so good at this.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Red meat's slowing us down. The vegan's on fire.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44The vegan, just nipping through the air molecules.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Woo! Santa Baby!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Woo!
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Yeah, all that broccoli!
0:13:50 > 0:13:51It was Eartha Kitt, Santa Baby.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Let's hear how it should have sounded.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56TRACK PLAYS
0:14:00 > 0:14:02# Santa, baby... #
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Wow, Eartha Kitt's got a sexy voice.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07She's beautiful.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09My dad had a thing for Eartha Kitt,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12but he always pulled that face where he went...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17You know your dad's going...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"You're of that age... Eartha Kitt."
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You don't know whether he's having a stroke or he's just going...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27So that was Eartha Kitt with Santa Baby.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Eartha Kitt played Catwoman in the TV series of Batman.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33She took her role very seriously and was often seen
0:14:33 > 0:14:36sitting around licking her arse and shitting in flowerpots.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I don't like that one. I just don't find that funny, as a snowman.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- As a snowman?- Or just a man...
0:14:50 > 0:14:53# Trying to make his way in the world today
0:14:55 > 0:14:58# Takes everything you've got
0:14:58 > 0:15:01# Taking a break from all your worries... #
0:15:01 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:06"Hey, Norm. Hey, you the post guy!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"Taken to Jessie like an elf.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10"Or an owl!"
0:15:12 > 0:15:15"Sure good to have you here in Bos..." I'm losing it now.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Anyway, Phill and Brian from Westlife, here are yours for Sara.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27OK. The title of the song, we're after.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30THEY IMITATE JAUNTY PIANO
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Driving Home For Christmas.- Yes!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46It's correct. What gave it away? Was it Phill doing that?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I was pleasuring two lorry drivers!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53That's correct. It was Chris Rea, Driving Home For Christmas.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Now let's hear how it should have sounded.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58TRACK PLAYS
0:16:01 > 0:16:04It's very dangerous when you're actually driving.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09# Driving home for Christmas... #
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Go on, go on. I dare you. Do an impression of Ronan.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- AS RONAN KEATING: - # It's amazing how you
0:16:15 > 0:16:18# Can speak right to my heart. #
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- CHEERING - Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23God bless you.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Come on.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28# Da da da da da da, da da da... #
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. He's not getting it.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35You do the intro, so...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Just think of my face as cymbals.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Right, OK.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- Go for it. - Play me like a set of drums.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Phill, what you did was brilliant.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46PHILL HUMS
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Ow!
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Ow!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Aarghh!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02# Christmas Welcome to Christmas... #
0:17:02 > 0:17:04You were just hitting a fat bloke, then.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- Have you guessed it?- Yeah, the Christmas song. Welcome to Christmas.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Have a nice Christmas. Step up to Christmas.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Yeah, we can allow that.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16CHEERING
0:17:18 > 0:17:20That was Elton John, Step Into Christmas.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Let's hear how it should have heard. - LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:25TRACK PLAYS
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I don't know this song.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Ow! Ow!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33# Welcome to my Christmas song... #
0:17:33 > 0:17:36So that was Elton John, with Step Into Christmas.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Elton John says that Step Into Christmas
0:17:39 > 0:17:41was written as a thank-you card for his fans.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45He's very similar to Moonpig, in that he looks like Moonpig.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Last year Elton John had a go at Madonna,
0:17:50 > 0:17:52calling her a fairground stripper,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55but after a multi-million-pound settlement, he had to pay out
0:17:55 > 0:17:59an absolute fortune to loads of fairground strippers.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06We also heard Chris Rea and... No, it's not homophobic, cos it's true.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11He knows nothing about going! He's never been to one.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16He's never been on one of them roundy slide things,
0:18:16 > 0:18:17and never come off the bottom
0:18:17 > 0:18:20without feeling like his impulses were different.
0:18:22 > 0:18:28We also heard Chris Rea, Driving Home For Christmas.
0:18:28 > 0:18:34Driving Home For Christmas has been re-released 2007, 2008, 2009,
0:18:34 > 0:18:372011, 2012.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39It's a lot of driving around aimlessly, Chris.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43I'm guessing your wife kept moving and not telling you the new address.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47He's just writing stuff down that he sees.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Anyway, at the end of that round, Noel's team has one point
0:18:55 > 0:18:57and Phill's team have five.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00CHEERING
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Time now for the Identity Parade.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Phill, Brian from Westlife and Sara,
0:19:09 > 0:19:13how about a haunting Christmas a cappella song?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17For the audience here, they're The Flying Pickets.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20# All I needed was the love you gave
0:19:22 > 0:19:26# All I needed for another day
0:19:26 > 0:19:29# And all I ever knew
0:19:30 > 0:19:33# Only you... #
0:19:33 > 0:19:35That was The Flying Pickets with Only You.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39But which one of our line-up singers is Stripe from the group?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Is it number one, only you?
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Number two, only me?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Number three, only child?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Number four, only here for the money?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Or number five, only here for pussy?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- I think it's number one. - Why do you think that?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Because four of them are paid actors
0:20:03 > 0:20:08and when you said the joke about pussy, none of them moved, except number one had a giggle.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Look at him now.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12He's trying to look like he's not listening, but you are.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Remember that chat we had before the show?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Remember when the snowman whispered in your ear?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I know who it is, so you two can have a chuckle.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23How do you know who it is?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Cos I used to gig around about the same time.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28You think it's number one because of the laughing,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- I think it's number five.- What number do you think it is?- Don't cheat.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Daddy's not helping.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- We have to do this on our own. - "Daddy's not helping"?!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Now I'm thinking it's four. - You think it's four now.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Now I'm thinking it's four.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Come on, you two, pick one. - OK, four.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Four, you want to go four? We'll go four.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Right. Well, let's find out. Would the real Stripe please step forward?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Yay!
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Now, believe it or not, acting in zombie films and available for new roles.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Stripe, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Now, Noel's team. How about some novelty Christmas cringe-o pop?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16For the audience only, it's ex-Big Brother contestant
0:21:16 > 0:21:18turned celebrity handyman Craig Phillips
0:21:18 > 0:21:21with At This Time Of Year.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23# At this time of year
0:21:23 > 0:21:26# Friends and lovers should be near
0:21:26 > 0:21:30# Share the laughter and the tears
0:21:30 > 0:21:34# For the days that now are gone
0:21:34 > 0:21:36# At this time of year
0:21:36 > 0:21:40# Hear the bells ring out so clear... #
0:21:40 > 0:21:42That was Craig Phillips with At This Time Of Year,
0:21:42 > 0:21:46but which one of our line-up is Craig Phillips?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Is it number one, big brother?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Is it number two, little sister?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Number three, daddy-longlegs?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Number four, weird cousin?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Or number five, Uncle's little secret?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Do we have to kind of make some jokes, cos I know who it is?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- We all know who it is. It was about eight minutes ago.- I know.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14It's obviously number two.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17He's got that Robbie Williams grin, hasn't he?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Let's peel his flesh off and women can skate around him...
0:22:22 > 0:22:24..while we've got the opportunity.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29He looks the same, he's never gone away, it was only two weeks ago.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30It's number four.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- All right, so I need to push you for an answer.- It's number two.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37It's two. Two, two, two.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42You've been dancing around this long enough. "Oh, is it two?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"It's probably two. It could be two. It might be two."
0:22:46 > 0:22:49And I'm just not very good at listening.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- What was the number again?- TWO!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Number three, please step forward.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00All right, let's find out.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Will the real Craig Phillips please not even bother?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Please, step forward.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11CHEERING
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Still on TV as a celebrity handyman
0:23:17 > 0:23:22and endorsing loads of really good DIY products, not the rubbish ones.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Craig Phillips, ladies and gentlemen.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33At the end of that round, Noel's team...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I'm sounding like one of those WWF wrestlers.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- AS WRESTLER:- "At the end of that round..."
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Noel's team have two and Phill's team have five.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45CHEERING
0:23:48 > 0:23:53So, Next Lines. Phill's team, you're in the lead, and so you go first.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Your time starts...
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- It's this one here, is it?- Yeah. I've just got to read that bit first. Shut up, you.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Phill's team, you're in the lead so you go first. Your time starts...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- CREW MEMBER:- You read them out. - Do- I- read them out?- No.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14You're supposed to pull them out and go...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Oh, yeah, I read them, don't I? - LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:18HE MOUTHS
0:24:18 > 0:24:20CHEERING
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"Yeah, Johnny'll be fine in a snowman outfit.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"It won't slow him down. Let's give him a bottle of booze.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32"Let's ask him to host a Christmas show.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36"I mean, he really wants to prove that he's broken out of that mould of just being a stupid pisshead.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41"Yeah, this'll be a great opportunity for Johnny
0:24:41 > 0:24:44"to show off his skills of not listening, not reading
0:24:44 > 0:24:48"and not recognising giant silver envelopes."
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Thank you, Buzzcocks, thank you so much.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I feel like Bob Cratchit who's had his other leg broke.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03"Ho-ho-ho! What do you want for Christmas, little boy?"
0:25:03 > 0:25:06"Just to be older and not quite as bitter."
0:25:09 > 0:25:12You know what? If you weren't so honest, you could have won this.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19It was all there for the taking and you kept sliding the envelope back
0:25:19 > 0:25:21like I was some bloke in a car park
0:25:21 > 0:25:24trying to offer you money to put my willy where it shouldn't be.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30"Hello. Yeah, I am the one from Westlife. Go on. Just put it in me."
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Anyway, are we ready?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Your time starts...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Now. Christmas time.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Mistletoe and wine.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Mistletoe And Wine by Cliff Richard.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47He's making a list.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- He's checking it out. - Checking it twice.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Sorry, I've got to take the first answer. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Should've been checking it twice. Looking from a window above.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Like a story of love.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Only by you. Er, the Flying Pickets.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Jingle bells, jingle bells.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04- Jingle all the way.- Yeah.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Come, they told me.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Parum-pa-pum-pum.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Yeah, not some hooker.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Little Drummer Boy by Boney M.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13He had a broad face and a round little belly.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15That's why they let him host.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:23That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25'Twas The Night Before Christmas, by Perry Como.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Right, so, Noel's team, you need seven points to win.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- Your time starts... - Wait, wait, wait.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Imagine my head's just not part of my body. Hold my hair.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Noel, your next line is - 'Tis the season to be jolly.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52ALL: # La-la la-la-la-la. #
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Deck The Halls. At this time of year.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- We all go out.- Is that it?
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Friends and lovers should be near, by Craig Phillips. You just saw him.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Snow is falling all around me.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- # Merry Christmas... # - Children playing! Oh, shit.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Children playing, having fun. Sorry.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08THEY GROAN
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Who cares?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12All day long we'll be wombling in the snow.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Course we will, because we're the Wombles.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Yeah, OK, you're not going to get it. Wombling Merry Christmas by The Wombles.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
0:27:22 > 0:27:25So the final scores are - Noel's team has four,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28but Phill's team are the winners with eight.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30CHEERING
0:27:32 > 0:27:34So that's a big snowman thanks to Phill,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Brian...McFadden, with Westlife,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41and Sara Pascoe, the vegan.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Noel, DJ Locksmith and Jessica Hynes.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51This has been Never Mind The Christmas Buzzcocks.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I've been Johnny Vegas.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Now, while you enjoy the credits, why don't you all join me
0:27:57 > 0:27:59and kiss me under the mistletoe?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Good night! Merry Christmas!
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Ho-ho-ho. Come on!
0:28:05 > 0:28:09MUSIC: "Merry Xmas, Everybody" by Slade
0:28:09 > 0:28:15# Are you hanging up the stocking on your wall?
0:28:17 > 0:28:23# It's the time that every Santa has a ball
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# So here it is, merry Christmas
0:28:27 > 0:28:32# Everybody's having fun
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# Look to the future now
0:28:35 > 0:28:42# It's only just begun. #