0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:36Welcome your host for this evening - it's Dizzee Rascal!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Good evening, bitches, and welcome
0:01:03 > 0:01:05to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Dizzee Rascal.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:10On Phill's team tonight...
0:01:10 > 0:01:13# I'm on the edge of something... #
0:01:13 > 0:01:17..is a musician who this year was nominated for UK Jazz Artist
0:01:17 > 0:01:19of the Year at the Jazz FM Awards.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21It's quite a small scene. There are four nominations
0:01:21 > 0:01:24and they're all him, and he's presenting the award to himself.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26It's Jamie Cullum.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:35And a comedian who recently dressed up as Nicki Minaj for Comic Relief.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38The last time anyone performed with a massive comedy arse is
0:01:38 > 0:01:40when I duetted with James Corden.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41It's Katherine Ryan.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:46And on Noel's team tonight...
0:01:46 > 0:01:50# Don't tell me our youth is running out... #
0:01:50 > 0:01:51..is a singer who performs as Foxes.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54She's certainly foxy in that she stinks,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57makes an annoying sound and we found her going through the bins.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59It's Foxes.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:04# Everybody in love, go on Put your hands up... #
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And the singer from JLS, who recently announced
0:02:06 > 0:02:08they're splitting up in order to move on to bigger
0:02:08 > 0:02:11and better projects - and yet, he's here tonight.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12It's Aston Merrygold.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:19 > 0:02:21So we begin with a round we're calling...
0:02:21 > 0:02:23FROM DIZZEE'S TRACK: 'Bonkers!'
0:02:23 > 0:02:25DIZZEE SIGHS
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Phill, Jamie and Katherine, take a look at this.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30# You say I'm crazy
0:02:30 > 0:02:32# I got your crazy... #
0:02:32 > 0:02:35That's right, it's head shaving, trailer-park singing
0:02:35 > 0:02:37vagina flasher Britney Spears.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40# Womanizer, woman-womanizer
0:02:40 > 0:02:41# You're a womanizer
0:02:41 > 0:02:43# Oh, womanizer, oh
0:02:43 > 0:02:45# You're a womanizer, baby. #
0:02:45 > 0:02:47That was Britney with Womanizer,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50but how has her music been proved useful?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Is it A - to help pandas mate?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57B - to transmit encoded MI6 messages?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Or C - to scare off Somali pirates?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06What would scare pirates about Britney's music? Are they feminists?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08# I was born to make you happy. #
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"No, no, we won't have this, no! Leave them alone."
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Is that how Somali pirates talk? - No, that's Britney.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15If you played Britney's music to a panda,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18its children would be taken immediately into care.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I do think, in the words of the internet,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23we need to leave Britney alone, because it's not fair.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24She's clearly gone mad.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- I like Britney. I don't really mind that she's a bit mad.- She's amazing.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30That's what makes her great, cos she's mad.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I feel like she should just go off to a cottage somewhere
0:03:32 > 0:03:34and just retire and have a lovely life.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Who are you - Enid Blyton?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- JAMIE:- This panda, he's got really heavy legs.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45That's the thing about bamboo - goes straight to your feet.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48D'you think the panda gets to see the videos as well,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50or it just hears the music?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Do any animals find humans sexy?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54My Labrador used to.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Yeah, I got pumped by, erm...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:05By... Not a whippet, the big... A greyhound, when I was, like, seven.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I was just running in for my tea
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and all of a sudden, the next thing...!
0:04:09 > 0:04:10"Get off me!"
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I think parents are complicit because parents will lie.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17You'll say, "Mummy, the greyhound," and your mum'll go, "He was dancing."
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- JAMIE:- I had a tortoise hump my foot before.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I did, it was my first girlfriend's house and she had a tortoise.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25And she was showing it to me
0:04:25 > 0:04:28and it kind of wandered up to my foot and kind of mounted it.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30And just went like that.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35That's the closest I ever got to any action at her house.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39How big a tortoise was it that you couldn't get away?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43It was a big tortoise and it had a big angry shell...
0:04:43 > 0:04:45PHILL LAUGHS
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Erm, I know that Britney has got a tour in Vegas.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It's not really a tour - she's in one place.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I bet she still gets lost.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- JAMIE:- When Barry Manilow had his hip replaced,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I did his gig instead of him in Vegas.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- How was it?- It was awful.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Cos they were expecting Barry Manilow, instead they got me
0:05:05 > 0:05:08in a Barry Manilow T-shirt, which they didn't find funny.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I haven't been back to Vegas since.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15You probably want to do Vegas once at least, don't you,
0:05:15 > 0:05:20- if you're a big star?- You're asking the wrong guy. Ask Dizzee.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Dizzee, you done Vegas? - I did do Vegas.- Did you?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I didn't do a show there, I did Vegas.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:31 > 0:05:32What was the question?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36It was, did they play Britney's music to help, erm, sexy pandas?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Did they send coded messages in her music?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Yeah, or was it to scare off Somali pirates?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42- Pirates.- Pirates.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Yeah, that's the right answer, man.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Yeah, so the Merchant Navy blast out Britney songs
0:05:50 > 0:05:53to deter kidnap attacks by Somali pirates.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Now, this is where I'm supposed to tell some jokes, all right, yeah?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58AUDIENCE CHEER
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- Jamie, we've worked together in the past, yeah?- Yeah.- I trust you, yeah?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- OK.- So, I've got a keyboard here.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07You're going to let me know through the medium of mood music
0:06:07 > 0:06:11if I'm doing it right, if I'm funny. So here we go.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Britney's music is used to scare off Somali pirates.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16To be fair to Britney, she doesn't like them either.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Why can't they pay to download music like everybody else?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23JAMIE PLAYS JAUNTY FANFARE
0:06:25 > 0:06:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:30 > 0:06:34For the record, I don't write this shit. Just to let you know.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Noel, Foxes and Ashton, check this out.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40# Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner
0:06:40 > 0:06:43# But he knew it couldn't last... #
0:06:43 > 0:06:46That's right - it's that band from Liverpool
0:06:46 > 0:06:48that Scousers hate mentioning. It's the Beatles.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53# Get back
0:06:53 > 0:06:54# Get back
0:06:54 > 0:06:58# Get back to where you once belonged
0:06:58 > 0:07:00# Get back
0:07:00 > 0:07:02# Get back
0:07:02 > 0:07:05# Get back to where you once belonged... #
0:07:05 > 0:07:08OK, so that was the Beatles with Get Back.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11But why has a Beatles fan recently spent 20 grand
0:07:11 > 0:07:13on Beatles memorabilia?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Was it A - to contact George Harrison from beyond the grave
0:07:16 > 0:07:18via his childhood teddy bear?
0:07:18 > 0:07:23B - to clone John Lennon using DNA from a tooth he bought at auction?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Or C - to obtain original recordings of Ringo's voice to create
0:07:27 > 0:07:29platform announcements for his model railway?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Wow.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I didn't know John Lennon had such big teeth.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Is this your train set, or...? - I love that you've got a train set.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43It's not exactly the sturdiest of train sets.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I know that you requested the grass, though.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Well, no, cos earlier on it was just like this one little bit of train,
0:07:49 > 0:07:50and I was like, "Well..."
0:07:50 > 0:07:52You want a station.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57"Do you know who I am? I'll have a station, young man!"
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Do you have a train set, Foxy? - Yeah, I did.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Are you ending that answer there?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Yeah, I did, move on."
0:08:06 > 0:08:07This is a creepy business, innit?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Look at the eyes, though - it looks possessed.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12It looks at you at any point as well.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:20You've got to worry about who from props brought that in,
0:08:20 > 0:08:25and has a three-year-old at home being like, "Where is Teddy?!"
0:08:26 > 0:08:28LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:31I've forgotten the question.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- Let's go back to the tooth. - The tooth.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- JAMIE:- What would he do with a cloned John Lennon?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Would he force him to make music when he was older?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43NOEL: Can you clone someone from just a tooth?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I've never tried it personally - I don't know.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Oh, come on, what are we thinking? What is it?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I think rich people are cloning things now.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Like, Simon Cowell wishes to be cryogenically frozen in case
0:08:54 > 0:08:56they come up with a cure for being a dickhead.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I mean, Aston, you could have taken a tooth from all the JLS members
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- and re-cloned your band.- They're still going to be here, though.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I know, but what's the answer, though, seriously?!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- What d'you think, Fox-Face? - Erm, teeth.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- I'd say teeth as well.- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- You're right. It's true. - Are we right?- Yeah.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:25So at the end of that round, Noel's team have 1
0:09:25 > 0:09:27and Phill's team have 1.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Aston, JLS have sadly split up.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38You look sad about that, bro(!) Smiling at me!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I mean, how much did we get to really know you all?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Well, let's find out as we play JLS Or JL-No?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I'm going to read out some facts about JLS.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58All the teams have to do is say whether the fact is true, JLS,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00or false, JL-no.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Hold on, I should technically know the right answers...
0:10:03 > 0:10:04You need to fall back, player.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:11 > 0:10:13The band was originally called UFO,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16which stood for Unique Famous Outrageous.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18JLS or JL-no?
0:10:18 > 0:10:19JL-no.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- JL-yes.- JL-yes!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Wait a minute, you called your band UFO?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Hey, listen, I didn't call my band UFO.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Who did call your band UFO, sir?
0:10:31 > 0:10:32I bet it was Oritse.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Oritse, to be fair, did come up with that name first.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37He come up with that name. Big up Oritse.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38I don't hate it. Is it too late?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Was it called UFO cos in the beginning
0:10:42 > 0:10:45only really crazy people believed in you?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:50APPLAUSE
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I love you, but in the beginning...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Anyway, so, since leaving the band,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59JB has embarked on a new career as a deer farmer.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Yes! JL-yes!- JL-no!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- So the answer, yeah, is yes.- Yeah.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Has he got a deer farm or is he just collecting roadkill
0:11:06 > 0:11:08and putting it in a box?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Charging people a pound to look at it.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14What does one do on a deer farm?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Listen, I don't know! I'm, I...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I don't know! He... He's doing that.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- Supposed to back the cause. - I'm trying to back the cause
0:11:23 > 0:11:25but I haven't got a clue about it, or else I would.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Are they for eating?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29You know it's illegal, don't you, to eat deers?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Oh, no, that's swans. Let him off.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33LAUGHTER
0:11:33 > 0:11:36OK, Aston is contractually...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I'm going to have to say that one slowly.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I'm contractually what?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Contractually obliged...
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Let me do that shit again.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Aston is congratu...!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Aston is congra... Con...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Aston has been told he has to fucking back flip every time...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Aston has to back flip on every single show he appears on.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- JLS or JL-no?- JLS.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12KATHERINE: I'd say he does it for the love of back flipping,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14but is not contractually obliged.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15How come she can say it so easily?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Can we get a back flip?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Hold up, hold up. Can we get some music to get up the vibe?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30JAMIE PLAYS COCKTAIL JAZZ
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Am I supposed to do it to this?!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38CHEERING AND CLAPPING
0:12:46 > 0:12:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:51JAMIE PLAYS FANFARE
0:12:53 > 0:12:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- You still want to do the cartwheel? - I've gone off the idea.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02What about a handstand and I catch your legs like a weird PE teacher?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06The other way round, cos I think you're stronger.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- What, I do a handstand and you catch my legs?- Yeah.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:10 > 0:13:12No, no, no!
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Help!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17That's not going to work.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22It's not happening.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I can't do a handstand. This is getting nerve-wracking.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27All right!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME
0:13:35 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:42 > 0:13:44CHEERING
0:13:46 > 0:13:47That didn't work!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I've broken both my knees.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01JAMIE: You could take that to Vegas.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I've gone blind in one eye.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08My cock's loose in my pants.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I've no idea what went on there.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I've got internal bleeding, Dizzee, help me.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16You landed on me!!
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Well, the answer was yes, anyway.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Thank you for playing JLS Or JL-No?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Time now for the Intros round. Hand over card.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39THAT is the kind of hosting I like!
0:14:44 > 0:14:49# Du-duh, dshh! Du-duh, dshh! Du-duh, dshh! Du-duh, dshh!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52BOTH: # Bo-ba-do-ba-bo-ba-do-bah
0:14:52 > 0:14:54# Bo-bom, bo-bom
0:14:54 > 0:14:56KATHERINE: # Doo-ba-doo-ba-doo-ba...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58# Buh-bum, buh-bum, buh-bum
0:14:58 > 0:15:01BOTH: # Yah-ba-dah-ba dah-ba-dah-ba! #
0:15:01 > 0:15:03This is actually really good.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05BOTH: # Yah-ba-dah-ba dah-ba-dah-ba! #
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- NOEL:- It's sent you into a trance. - I know it.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:15:17 > 0:15:21- When was the last time you played Grand Theft Auto?- Oh, never!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I'm going to pass it over, anyway, so...
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- Is it The Message? - It is The Message.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Yeah, you're right, and this is how it should have sounded.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37MUSIC: "The Message" by Grandmaster Flash
0:15:37 > 0:15:39# Check yourself before you wreck yourself. #
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I always think of the Ice Cube version when I hear that.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46All right, so, next one, please.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47All right, that one.
0:15:47 > 0:15:54# Baow, waow! Baow, waow! Baow, waow! Baow, waow!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- # Oo-oo-ooh! - Baow, waow! Baow, waow!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# Baow, waow! Baow, waow! Baow, waow!
0:16:00 > 0:16:05- # Oo-oo-ooh! - # Baow, waow! Baow, wa-a-a-ah!
0:16:05 > 0:16:09# Baow, wa-a-a-ah! #
0:16:11 > 0:16:14APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:17 > 0:16:21I just today don't know the names of any songs. Good job, though.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25See, if you had Britney, I would know.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29JLS, I would smash it, I would.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30# Everybody in love... #
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Yes!- I'm going to have to pass it over now.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Ah, annoyingly, I think I know who it is again,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37but I can't remember the name of the song.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Is it Noel Gallagher and the Chemical Brothers?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43One that's ripping off Tomorrow Never Knows.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"Booooooo! Waow!"
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Oh, I don't know.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49You're almost right.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52It's the Chemical Brothers, Setting Sun.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- (Oh, Setting Sun.) - This is how it should sound.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59MUSIC: "Setting Sun" by the Chemical Brothers
0:17:09 > 0:17:11# You're the devil in me... #
0:17:11 > 0:17:16The single Setting Sun was said to be a tribute to the Beatles song Tomorrow Never Knows.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19In fact, it sounded so much like the Beatles Oasis sued them.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25HE PLAYS DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:17:25 > 0:17:27APPLAUSE
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Any requests?- Suit And Tie cover.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Suit And Tie? Justin Timberlake? - Yeah, his cover's nice.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37WHOOPING
0:17:40 > 0:17:43# All dressed up in black and white
0:17:43 > 0:17:45# And you're dressed in that dress I like
0:17:45 > 0:17:47# Love is singing in the air tonight
0:17:47 > 0:17:50# Gonna show you a few things
0:17:50 > 0:17:52# As long as I got my suit and tie
0:17:52 > 0:17:55# And you're dressed in that dress I like
0:17:55 > 0:17:57# Love is singing in the air tonight
0:17:57 > 0:17:59# Gonna show you a few things. #
0:18:03 > 0:18:05APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:18:05 > 0:18:08HE PLAYS FANFARE
0:18:12 > 0:18:13That's my back flip.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I would prefer to do the back flip.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Really?- You get more girls if you do the back flip.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Yeah, you've done all right, Cullum!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24You guys could get girls with your back flip,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26like nurses and paramedics...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Noel and Foxes, here are yours for Aston. Here you go.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- Come on, then.- Oh, my God.- You've got to do the first bit, yeah?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42D'you remember?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45# Dum-dum-dum, de-dum-de-dum-dum
0:18:45 > 0:18:47# Dum-dum-dum, de-dum-de-dum-dum
0:18:47 > 0:18:50# Baow, baow, baow, ba-baow, baow, baow
0:18:50 > 0:18:54# Ba-daow, baow, baow, ba-baow ba-baow, baow
0:18:54 > 0:18:58BOTH: # A-a-a-a-a-ah
0:18:58 > 0:19:02# Aah-ee-yah-ee-yah ee-yah-ee-yah-ee-yah. #
0:19:02 > 0:19:04NOEL SIGHS
0:19:04 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Oh, I'm... I really don't know, like, I'm sorry. I don't know.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- I'm going to have to pass it over. - Please pass it over.- Kasabian, Fire?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Did you see that on my card? - No, I didn't!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Ah, but you're wrong anyway, so it's cool.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24It's Kasabian, Days Are Forgotten,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and this is how it's supposed to sound.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29MUSIC: "Days Are Forgotten" by Kasabian
0:19:29 > 0:19:31NOEL: We forgot that bit.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33That's a beat, though.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44My bad.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- I like that beat, though. - Nice.- OK, onto the next one please.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Erm...
0:19:50 > 0:19:53# Oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch Oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch
0:19:53 > 0:19:56# Oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch Oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch, oom-ch. #
0:19:56 > 0:20:00NOEL WHOOSHES
0:20:00 > 0:20:02# Urr, urr, urr, urr
0:20:02 > 0:20:04# Urr, urr, urr, urr
0:20:04 > 0:20:06# Aaow, aaow, aaow, aaow
0:20:06 > 0:20:08# Aaow, aaow, aaow, aaow. #
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Clearly I'm very bad at this game.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11No, I'm going to have to pass it over.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Dizz, it's Bonkers. - No, it is. It actually is Bonkers.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16We should have got you to help.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- You want me to do it?- Yeah. - All right then, cool.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Give me a beat. Give me a beat.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24THEY BEATBOX
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Bonkers.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30# I wake up, every day is a daydream
0:20:30 > 0:20:32# Everything in my life ain't what it seems
0:20:32 > 0:20:34# I wake up just go back to sleep
0:20:34 > 0:20:36# I act real shallow but I'm in too deep
0:20:36 > 0:20:37# All I care about is sex and violence
0:20:37 > 0:20:39# A heavy baseline is my kind of silence
0:20:39 > 0:20:41# Everybody says that I've got to get a grip
0:20:41 > 0:20:43# But I let sanity give me the slip... #
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Wait, wait, wait.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45'Bonkers.'
0:20:45 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Thank you.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53In 2009 I gave an interview
0:20:53 > 0:20:55criticising the expense and inconvenience
0:20:55 > 0:20:57of the London 2012 Olympics,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59an opinion I held right up until the moment
0:20:59 > 0:21:02they asked me to perform at the opening ceremony.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Round three is the Identity Parade.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Phill's team, you are up first.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16For the audience only, here are Soul II Soul with Back To Life.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18# Back to life
0:21:18 > 0:21:20# Back to reality
0:21:20 > 0:21:23# Back to life
0:21:23 > 0:21:25# Back to reality
0:21:25 > 0:21:29# Back to the here and now, yeah
0:21:29 > 0:21:32# However do you want me?
0:21:32 > 0:21:33# However do you need me? How?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36# However do you want me?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38# However do you need me... #
0:21:38 > 0:21:41That was Soul II Soul with Back To Life,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44but which one of our line-up is Soul II Soul legend Caron Wheeler?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Is it number one, back to life?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Number two, back to front?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Number three, back to the future?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Number four, back from the dead?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Or number five, back passage?
0:22:07 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Right, so me and Cullum got it as soon as she came through the door.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19Oh, no. I have to say I have not seen so many fabulous ladies
0:22:19 > 0:22:21since Destiny's Child was still together.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I say number two.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27You're discounting number five, are you?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I don't know about the name "back passage". It puts me off, always.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Perhaps if this was a special occasion, I might consider it.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Perhaps.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41I say number two.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43OK, you'd be wrong.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Have another go.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- Let's say number one.- We're saying number one.- So let's find out.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Would the real Caron Wheeler please step forward?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54CHEERING
0:23:00 > 0:23:05Now on tour with Soul II Soul, the legendary Caron Wheeler, ladies and gentlemen.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06CHEERING
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Now, Noel, Foxes and Aston,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15how about some classic ripped off your tits mid-'90s dance?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:20For the audience only, here is DJ Quicksilver with Bellissima.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37That was DJ Quicksilver with Bellissima,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39but which one of our line-up is DJ Quicksilver?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Is it number one, DJ Quicksilver?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Number two, DJ Quick Off The Mark?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Number three, DJ Quick One Off The Wrist?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Number four, DJ Cricket Bat?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Or number five, DJ Quick, No-one's Looking?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I like number five.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Number five looks like you could actually go out
0:24:14 > 0:24:16and have a proper good time, he could proper go out on the town.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Where?! Victorian London?!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- It looks like he's seen the world. - Oh, he's SEEN things.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26He's seen things.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29This round isn't just, "Whose van would you get inside?"
0:24:29 > 0:24:31LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I'd quite like to see number five put them on, the headphones.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Can all of you put the headphones on, please?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I think number three puts it on most like the pro.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Number four looks like he should be on a runway guiding in a Spitfire.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Number three has got the face of a man who's seen
0:24:54 > 0:24:57the sun coming up a million times.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- He looks like Ibiza.- I would say three, but I'll leave it up to you.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04One or three?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- OK, we'll go with three.- Three?
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Well, let's find out. Would the real DJ Quicksilver please step forward?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12CHEERING
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Still DJing and also president of a German soccer team,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22DJ Quicksilver, ladies and gentlemen.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24CHEERING
0:25:28 > 0:25:30At the end of that round, Noel's team have three
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and Phill's team have three.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34CHEERING
0:25:37 > 0:25:40So, we end with Next Lines. Noel's team, you're up first.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Your time starts now.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Whatever I did, I didn't mean it.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# Whatever I said, whatever I did
0:25:45 > 0:25:46# I didn't mean it... #
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- I just want you back for good.- Yeah.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- That's right. - I cannot believe we got that.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Back to life.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Back to reality.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Yeah. Back To Life by Soul II Soul. - He's feeding me the answers.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Is that cheating?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Just get back together.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00We should have never broke up.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Yeah. Beat Again by JLS.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Make it easy on yourself.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Is it you?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07It's definitely not me.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09It better not be me.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Make it easy on yourself. - Make it easy on yourself.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Invest in moose, not deer.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Cos breaking up is so very hard to do.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Who is that?- Oh!
0:26:17 > 0:26:20That's Make It Easy On Yourself by The Walker Brothers.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22END OF ROUND JINGLE
0:26:22 > 0:26:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Phill's team, you need four points to win. Your time starts now.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Go on, Dizzee!- Shut it.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33LAUGHTER
0:26:33 > 0:26:34You're simply the best.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36# You're better than all the rest. #
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Bow, bow, bow!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Simply The Best by Tina Turner.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Even though now you don't want to know me.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I get on by and I go the extra mile. Is that right?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- Oh, it's your song.- Yeah, it is.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50These Are The Days by Jamie Cullum. Can we hear that one?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Oh! Er...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# Even though now you don't want to know me
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# Da, da, do, da, do
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# I remember you and I start to smile... #
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Yeah, there we go.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05CHEERING
0:27:06 > 0:27:08To the left, to the left.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# Everything you own in a box to the left
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# In the closet, that's my stuff
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# If I bought it then please don't touch
0:27:14 > 0:27:17# Keep talking that mess, that's fine
0:27:17 > 0:27:19# But could you walk and talk at the same time? #
0:27:19 > 0:27:21CHEERING
0:27:23 > 0:27:25That's right, Irreplaceable by Beyonce.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27We all know that song, don't we, girls?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:27:29 > 0:27:30I used to think it was,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33"Everything you own in MY box to the left," like it was sexual coaching.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35LAUGHTER
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- That could work.- Are you telling me that she uses it as a storage space?
0:27:38 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41We all do.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Do you know Beyonce? You do, don't you, Mr Dizzee Rascal?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- Oh, I'd love to. - Oh, she's so amazing.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Yeah, she is. She's the best.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# Better than all the rest. #
0:27:50 > 0:27:52LAUGHTER
0:27:52 > 0:27:54APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:55END OF ROUND JINGLE
0:27:57 > 0:27:58CHEERING
0:28:02 > 0:28:04So the final scores are - Noel's team have five,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07but Phill's team are tonight's winners with six.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09CHEERING
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- How?!- So that's it. Thanks to Phill, Jamie Cullum and Katherine Ryan.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Noel, Foxes and Aston Merrygold.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:28:27 > 0:28:28I've been Dizzee Rascal.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31As you enjoy the credits, Jamie Cullum's going to provide the music.
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Good night.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36JAMIE PLAYS THEME MUSIC
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:05 > 0:29:06Argh!
0:29:06 > 0:29:07CHEERING