0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35where we've been listening to your demands for a dream host.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Someone from America, someone who starred in smash hit programmes,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43such as 30 Rock, Flight Of The Conchords, The Simpsons and Bob's Burgers.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Someone with curly brown hair and an interesting voice.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Someone called Kristen Schaal?
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Well, we think we did pretty well, cos it's me, Kristen Schaal!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Thank you so much. This really is, like, a dream job for me.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15In fact, it almost feels like I'm dreaming right now.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Doesn't even feel real, does it? Is this real?
0:01:19 > 0:01:23SHE SCREAMS Oh! Oh, my foot! Oh, my God.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25It's, it's real. LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:26It's real.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29OK, let's get started!
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And on Phill's team tonight...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40MUSIC
0:01:40 > 0:01:43..is a singer, a presenter
0:01:43 > 0:01:46and the best kind of star you can be, a real one,
0:01:46 > 0:01:51a reality star. And his new teeth can be seen from space.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53It's Rylan Clark!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And an Irish comedian who says he feels the same
0:02:02 > 0:02:06about St Patrick's day as the Japanese feel about Yo! Sushi.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11What? It's convenient and delicious? Great! It's David O'Doherty!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:14 > 0:02:16And on Noel's team tonight...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19# You're nobody till somebody loves you. #
0:02:19 > 0:02:22..is a singer who is rumoured to be going out with Rita Ora.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Although she's issued a counter rumour saying
0:02:25 > 0:02:26he's probably wasting his time.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Why would she do that? Why would she say that?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31It's James Arthur!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:37 > 0:02:41And a radio presenter who now hosts John Field's former slot on Radio 1.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45They say everyone that hosts John Field's slot dies...
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Eventually. Good luck with that. It's Alice Levine!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Now, as you know, I'm not from this country,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58so I don't know lots about you,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01so I thought I'd ask a few questions to get to know you better, OK?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Let's start with you, James Arthur. Hello. Hello.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:03:06 > 0:03:08So is it true what Rita Ora said? Are you guys in love?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11No, she's just my friend. Do you want to be in love with her?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I'm OK, I'm all right.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Yes? Yes. Have you ever been in love?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I'm in love with you, right now.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20AUDIENCE: Ah...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22That's all it takes? Yes. Yes.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You don't know what love is. OK... LAUGHTER
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Alice Levine, hello. Hello!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31So, you're a presenter? Sure, yes. Huh.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Have you met Tori Amos? Oh... No. Ah.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37You look a lot like her.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Right, well, maybe that's why we've never met.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Because you're her? Because I'm her. LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:47MUSIC: "A Sorta Fairytale" by Tori Amos
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Do you know that song? It's my song. That's... Love that one.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Have you met Beyonce? No.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Have you met Elizabeth Taylor? No.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Have you met Princess Diana?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04No. What about, like, her ghost?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Have you met Kate Middleton?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10No. What about the new one, George?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12The bambino? Yes. Yes.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15You've met him? No, sorry, I misheard. No, I haven't.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:19David O'Doherty! Yes.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21We don't really need to get to know each other.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24We've actually been friends for almost a decade. Yes.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27In fact, you were at my wedding last year
0:04:27 > 0:04:29and I asked you to give a toast
0:04:29 > 0:04:32and you sang a song about how you were in love with me.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33LAUGHTER
0:04:33 > 0:04:38That was only part of the song. The rest was, yes, I did, actually, yes.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40That was weird. Oh, God.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43It was a weird, it was your wedding, it was your special day,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45so I thought I'd try and ruin it, make it about me.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:50OK. Hi, Rylan. Hi, babe. You all right?
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I don't need to get to know you, because I know everything about you.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57For example, you were born in Corningham, Essex
0:04:57 > 0:05:01in 1988 in October, a magical year.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06Right? Your real name is Ross. Yes. I know why you changed it, Rylan
0:05:06 > 0:05:09and you have an older brother, Jamie, who's a builder.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Right? Yes. You used to be in a Spanish boy band called 4bidden.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Yes! Caliente. SHE LAUGHS
0:05:15 > 0:05:18And you stole the Big Brother job from Alice Levine.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22No, I didn't! Did you not? Did you not? No! No! Yes.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24No, I did not steal no job. Yes, you did.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Because in America you're really famous.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Yeah(!)
0:05:29 > 0:05:33We have all kinds of monuments dedicated to you.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35We do! Like this one...
0:05:35 > 0:05:36See?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39And then...
0:05:43 > 0:05:47So let's begin with a round we like to call Guess Who?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Phill, Rylan and David, you're up first.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Whose faces have we morphed together here?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Whoa!
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Nelly! I've slept with that.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Slept?! Not a wink, sir!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It's a slightly Hitler-y hair at the top.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Did Hitler have any songs?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Oh, yeah! Hitler had a whole catalogue of songs.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Really?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19# Here we come, marching down your street... #
0:06:19 > 0:06:22That's Williams. Look at those eyes, come on.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Them eyes are beautiful. You just love the eyes?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I love Robbie. We met him on X Factor, didn't we, James?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30He come down and halfway through his performance he shouted out,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34"Vote Rylan!" For the craic. For the crack? For the craic.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Half of our celebrity on the monitor is Robbie Williams.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41This has now been established. OK, yeah. The second half.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44It looks like Rihanna. Rihanna. Guaranteed.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Well, let's see if you're right.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Woo-hoo!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Yeah!
0:06:56 > 0:07:01But which of these two has paid for a man to sit in the Mojave desert
0:07:01 > 0:07:05and give them round the clock updates about any alien activity?
0:07:05 > 0:07:09I got a visa to go to America recently and it says,
0:07:09 > 0:07:13"David O'Doherty is an alien with extraordinary ability" on it.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16What, for genuine? That's the wording on it.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Is that why that man says it in the song?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21# I'm an Englishman I'm a legal alien... #
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Sting! That man. Yeah.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Yeah, Sting. It's got an educational element to it now as well.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34I think we picked alien instead of, like, "stranger".
0:07:34 > 0:07:36You shouldn't talk to strangers. Right.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Aliens, you have to make friends with them. You really do.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Put them in the basket in front of the bike. Yup.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Dress them up as your little sister.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48And touch their magic glowing finger.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55So it's in the desert. Yeah. Where's the desert? Mojave desert.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I don't know what that means. It means it's a desert called Mojave.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Where's that? It's in America.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05So one of them has someone there... Watching and waiting.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07When I was on X Factor I spoke to Robbie.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08We actually were speaking about aliens.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I think you were there as well. Were you there, James? I don't recall.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14You were probably asleep. I was asleep.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16You get sleepy often, don't you, James? Yeah.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It's cos you're growing.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22You're like a sort of koala.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I noticed that about you in the green room.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I'm very koala-esque. Koala's have... Is it syphilis or gonorrhoea.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30There's some STD that koalas all have.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33They are riddled. Is that where it comes from?
0:08:33 > 0:08:39Yeah, somebody was getting a little too snuggly with a koala.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42James has put it about so much... James is the source.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"Koala syphilis? That was me."
0:08:47 > 0:08:51I'm just a big koala slag. I just like to go around...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Have you ever imagined a sloth making love? Just like...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Ugh!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Even slower though.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03It's very easy to imagine
0:09:03 > 0:09:06because the sloth has already got the come face, hasn't it?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Is that your come face?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12It's not just one - you have a range.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Oh, let's see your best one, please. My best one? Yeah.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17ARGH!
0:09:17 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Alice, you got one?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Mine's just simple, mine's just...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Ah, the two thumbs! As we call it, the McCartney.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36You're so well-spoken I'd think your one would be like,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"Hi, I'm Alice Levine."
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Why am I only introducing myself at that point?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"By the way, I'm Alice Levine."
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Rylan.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I can't sit here and do a come face, I'm so sorry.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I've got it on my phone, hang on a second.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02What's yours, Noel? You can download mine from iTunes.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Great.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Rylan, what exactly did Robbie Williams say to you about aliens?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I was saying, "Oh, yeah, I once saw something."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Well, I thought I saw something in the sky and he was like,
0:10:15 > 0:10:19"I'm really into all of that." But it's the fact that you said aliens
0:10:19 > 0:10:21and I remember that chat with Robbie, I'm thinking maybe it's him.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23So using our inside man,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25quiz master Schaal,
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Robbie Williams.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I speak to Rihanna a lot and she never brings up aliens.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Guess what? You're wrong!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Because she's convinced
0:10:35 > 0:10:40that extraterrestrial beings exist and she pays a sky scanner
0:10:40 > 0:10:43to keep her up to date on any sightings in the area.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Yeah, your conversations with Rihanna are bullshit!
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Noel, James, Alice - hello!
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Now, have a look at this and tell me who the two celebrities are.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00I don't think they're very well, whoever it is. That's not nice.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I think I've figured out who the mouth is. Really?
0:11:02 > 0:11:07Go for it. Yeah, but would it not be boring to give it away straight away?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10No, you should definitely tell your team what's in your head.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14OK. You should not say anything now. E-mail me in six months' time.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I think it's Mick Jagger.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22The whole thing? No, just the bottom half.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Is it Beyonce's backing dancer?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Is it Kelly Rowland?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Why don't we see if you're right?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Is it Mick Jagger meets Kelly Rowland?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Yes, it is!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Amazing!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Now, here's another question for you.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51Which one of these two people spent ten hours lost at sea?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Without a boat or...?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56No, they had a boat. They had a boat. Yeah.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I don't think Kelly Rowland would travel by boat.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01I once met Kelly Rowland. I genuinely did.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05She was on this show. Does that mean I've met her? Yes, yes.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12Literally no memory... This one, this one here.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13I know which one she is.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18That's the annoying thing about the brain.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23I can remember burning toast this morning but I can't remember that.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26What's the point?
0:12:26 > 0:12:27You must have been here.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I am terribly sorry
0:12:29 > 0:12:33but I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to work on a new face.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36So what do you guys think?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I don't think Jagger would get lost.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I think he's got a great internal GPS.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43The Mick Jagger GPS?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"OK, turn left."
0:12:45 > 0:12:49HE MUMBLES LIKE MICK JAGGER
0:12:49 > 0:12:55"If you're going to turn left, I'm fucking getting out of the car."
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Noel, team captain, I need an answer. Do you know what?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I love you two so you go for it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Whatever you feel, I'll back you all the way.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04There's so much pressure.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09In my heart, the answer is Jagger.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10In my soul,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13in my soul...
0:13:13 > 0:13:14the answer is Kelly.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I'm saying Jagger, I'm saying Jagger.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20I think it's Kelly Rowland. Is that your final answer?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Apparently so. I'm livid, but apparently so.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27Well, you need to lighten up because Kelly Rowland is the right answer!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Kelly Rowland spent ten hours lost at sea earlier this year.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37She said she prayed to God for two bars of phone reception
0:13:37 > 0:13:40and her prayers were answered.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43God sent two bars down from the sky.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Kelly Rowland has dashed fans' hopes for a Destiny's Child reunion,
0:13:47 > 0:13:48insisting the girls are too busy
0:13:48 > 0:13:51just enjoying each other's friendship.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Michelle and Kelly regularly meet up outside the electrified gates
0:13:54 > 0:13:56of Beyonce's mansion.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00At the end of that round, Phill's team have one
0:14:00 > 0:14:02and Noel's team have two.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Dance break!
0:14:06 > 0:14:11MUSIC: "Cornflake Girl" by Tori Amos
0:14:11 > 0:14:13You like that? You love this.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17OK. MUSIC STOPS
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Time now for the Intros Round.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Phill and Rylan, here are yours for David.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Thank you very much.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27This is an interesting mashup of styles right here.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I can't wait to hear this.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Your Honour, my defendant here,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35a simple boy with a mouth and a dream...
0:14:37 > 0:14:42HE SINGS NOTES RHYTHMICALLY
0:14:42 > 0:14:47# Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
0:14:47 > 0:14:52# Byah-byah-byah. #
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Firstly, it's really good.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57What era is it from? My era.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Your era? Yeah.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59You got your own era?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I'm sorry, I don't listen to the same things as you.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09May we extend the gift of that song to team two? You may, Phill.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11That was so nice of you. Thank you.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15It's Snoop Doggy Dogg. Oh, God, no!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18What's the name of the song? Snoop Dogg with Snoop Doggy Dogg.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21The title is wrong!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23What are the rules of this show? Can we get it back?
0:15:23 > 0:15:29King Koala came in strong and then passed out
0:15:29 > 0:15:30in a eucalyptus tree.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Came out and went, "Snoop Dogg."
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Yeah, but what's the name of the song?
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Wake him up!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Is it What's My Name by Snoop Dogg?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46No. Oh!
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Is it just Snoop Dogg?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49No! Gosh, get over it.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54The title of the song is Who Am I?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55None of you know.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58We did know who he was, we just didn't know what he was asking.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01We just didn't know... Let's hear how it should have sounded,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03even though that was really good.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07MUSIC: "Who Am I?" by Snoop Dogg
0:16:10 > 0:16:11It's a good tune.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26All right, next one, please.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27OK. So you do two bars of that.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. I really want to get this.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35HE MIMICS ROCK GUITAR
0:16:35 > 0:16:38THEY SING NOTES RHYTHMICALLY
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Oh!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49APPLAUSE
0:16:49 > 0:16:53This is the worst round ever. I know! It's so hard!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56But you just keep doing the same thing again and again.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00If I don't know it the first time, if you do it 36 times, I'm not going
0:17:00 > 0:17:04to suddenly go, "Oh, I'll tell you what this is, it's some Snoop song."
0:17:04 > 0:17:05It's not Snoop!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I know it's not Snoop!
0:17:07 > 0:17:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:12 > 0:17:17I'm passing it over to Noel's team. Again, King Koala's come in strong.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I'm not just a koala bear.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21It's Sum 41.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23In Too Deep. No.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Again, no!
0:17:26 > 0:17:31It is Sum 41 and the name of it is Fatlip!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32And here's how it sounds.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37MUSIC: "Fatlip" by Sum 41
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Ah, the sound of angry youth!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54So great.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56That was Sum 41 with Fatlip.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Now, Sum 41's first album was called Does This Look Infected?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03At the time the lead singer was going out with Paris Hilton.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04You do the sum.
0:18:04 > 0:18:0741.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I'm sorry, I feel really bad saying that.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Because Paris Hilton has all the money
0:18:13 > 0:18:15and I might need to borrow some some day.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I'm really sorry, Paris.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20But you want this.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23The more people say your name the more you exist.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28Paris! Paris! Paris! What am I doing?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30We also heard Snoop Dogg with Who Am I?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Snoop Dogg recently offered advice as to what to do
0:18:33 > 0:18:35if you're too high.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Put your face in mayonnaise.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39It doesn't do anything but it does alert everyone else to the fact
0:18:39 > 0:18:43you're ripped off your tits.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46OK, well done, sort of, but not really at all.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Moving on.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Noel and James, here you go, here are your songs to sing to Alice.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I don't know how we're going to do this.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58What's going to happen is, you're going to come down from your tree,
0:18:58 > 0:18:59you almost get everything right
0:18:59 > 0:19:03and then right at the end you fuck it up for everyone.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06But I like that about you. Thanks, Noel.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10OK, get ready to be disappointed. I am so ready for disappointment.
0:19:12 > 0:19:18HE HUMS RHYTHMICALLY
0:19:18 > 0:19:25HE MIMICS FAST GUITAR
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I don't know what I'm doing.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33APPLAUSE
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Is this a real person song?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37A real person's song? Yeah, is it like an actual song?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41No, it's an imaginary person's song.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I feel like it's that bad guy.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Is it Libertines. Can't Stand Me Now? Yes. It is!
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Alice!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Nice!
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Here's another version of it, even though that was so gorgeous.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04MUSIC: "Can't Stand Me Now" by The Libertines
0:20:09 > 0:20:10That bit helped me.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Next one, please!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21All right, ready?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24HE SINGS NOTES RHYTHMICALLY
0:20:29 > 0:20:32THEY BOTH SING NOTES RHYTHMICALLY
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Yeah... Oh, sorry, still going.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Smashed it.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07It's Madonna. It's...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12What do you say?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15# Holiday. #
0:21:15 > 0:21:17And here's how it sounds, even though
0:21:17 > 0:21:19you guys sounded way better than this.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24MUSIC: "Holiday" by Madonna
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Sorry, guys.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39So, that means at the end of that round, Phill's team have two
0:21:39 > 0:21:42and Noel's team have three.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47MUSIC: "Professional Widow" by Tori Amos
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Your song.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04We're all going to have a healthy appreciation for Tori Amos
0:22:04 > 0:22:06before this night is over.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10All right, Round Three is the Identity Parade.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Which means it's time for one of those ludicrous over-blown,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16self-important, X Factor entrances.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Please welcome the ex-X Factor line-up.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24APPLAUSE
0:22:38 > 0:22:39From our line-up,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43can you spot the person who has never been on the X Factor?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Is it number one, X Factor.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Number two, G-Spot.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Number three, Y Chromosome.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Number four, C Word.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Or Number five, O, my God.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Hot.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03This is like my dream day out.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Tell us why.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I recognise, I think,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09the four. What about the guy from the 17th century?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Five to me looks like, if you were to distil
0:23:16 > 0:23:19all of X Factor down into one individual, that would be five.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24Two is Jade Ellis, three is Kimberly Southwick, four is Wagner,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27one and five, I recognise them both, but one, I think, was an over,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30so I'm going to say five wasn't on X Factor and was on The Voice
0:23:30 > 0:23:31but I might be making it up.
0:23:31 > 0:23:36Let's find out. Would the ex-X Factor impostor please step forward.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Yeah!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Now still working as a professional extra for hire,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Jordan, ladies and gentlemen.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01And thanks to my real ex-X factor finalists - Niki Evans,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Jade Ellis, Kimberley Southwick, and Wagner.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Now, James and Alice, here's your line-up of pop stars.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16MUSIC: "What's New Pussycat?" by Tom Jones
0:24:22 > 0:24:25You're going to match the famous pop star to the animal that they
0:24:25 > 0:24:26kept as a pet.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31But before that, can you tell us who the pop stars are supposed to be?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I reckon that's Slash on the right.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36We've got maybe Kurt Cobain.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Miley Cyrus.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Britney. That's Britney? No.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48That's Steven Tyler. Are you sure it's not Bonnie Tyler?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Five... Got to be Elvis, right?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02But which pop star owned the pet?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I just can't see any of them having any of these pets.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Well, they did!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10They all had one of those pets.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Who had a raccoon?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Nobody looks comfortable holding that dead racoon.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I reckon Slash has got a snake. I agree.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20There's no way Kurt Cobain had a raccoon.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Why would you have a raccoon anyway?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Kurt Cobain was too busy doing other stuff to look after a racoon.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I think Kurt Cobain had a turtle.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Kurt Cobain, can you hold that turtle
0:25:28 > 0:25:30and give the racoon back to Miley?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32No... Stay where you are.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I think we should swap the pig and the racoon.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38OK. You'll never hear that sentence said again.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42He tripped on Bonnie.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45You're happy with what you're looking at?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I'm not happy with what I'm looking at in general.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Is that it? Is that your final? I feel really comfortable now. You do?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Yeah. All right. Would the line-up please reveal their pets?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You only got one right. It was Slash and the python.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06You messed it all up. Clearly Elvis had a kangaroo.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Steven Tyler had a racoon, everybody knows that.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14Miley Cyrus and her famous pig and Kurt Cobain, a turtle,
0:26:14 > 0:26:15just like him.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Elvis had a kangaroo?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Maybe as a wallaby cos you imagine going like, "Wallaby!" like that.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Kangaroo? Wallaby.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32All right, the celebrity pet owners, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41All right, at the end of that round, Phill's team have three
0:26:41 > 0:26:44and Noel's team have three. It's a tie!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55We end with Next Lines.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Phill's team, you can go first and your time starts now.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Honey, bring it close to my...? Body. No.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04It's honey, bring it close to my lips.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Professional Widow by Tori Amos.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07You bet your life it is...?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10# You bet your life. #
0:27:10 > 0:27:15No, it's oh, you bet your life. Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I can't put this day back...?
0:27:17 > 0:27:21But I can... Be shrill on my new album. On a piano.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26No. A sorta fairytale. A Sorta Fairytale by Tori Amos.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27And I'm so sad...?
0:27:27 > 0:27:31That all these Tori Amos songs are happening.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Like a good book. A Sorta Fairytale by Tori Amos.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36END-OF-ROUND BUZZER
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Right, so Noel's team, you need one point to win.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45OK, can you believe it?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47All we hear is radio ga ga...?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Radio goo goo.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Radio Ga Ga by Queen. PHILL: No!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53END-OF-ROUND BUZZER
0:27:53 > 0:27:55APPLAUSE
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Take her back to America!
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Suck it!
0:28:09 > 0:28:12All right, so the final scores are - Phill's team have three
0:28:12 > 0:28:15and they have left because they are sore losers
0:28:15 > 0:28:19and Noel's team has four and you have won!
0:28:19 > 0:28:23APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:27So that's it. Thanks to Phill, Rylan Clark and David O'Doherty.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Noel, James Arthur and Alice Levine. Thank you.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38I'm Kristen Schaal and as you enjoy the credits we're going to look
0:28:38 > 0:28:41back at some of the most memorable moments from Rylan's teeth tonight.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Good night!
0:28:53 > 0:28:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd