:00:16. > :00:29.Hello, and welcomed to the fifth edition of No Such Thing as the
:00:30. > :00:33.News, coming to you from up the creek in Greenwich, London. My name
:00:34. > :00:37.is Dan Schreiber and I'm sitting with Anna Ptaszynski, Andrew Hunter
:00:38. > :00:42.Murray and James Harkin. APPLAUSE
:00:43. > :00:49.Once again we are here to bring you the most interesting things we found
:00:50. > :00:53.in the news in the last seven days. Now, this week there has been tragic
:00:54. > :00:56.news all over the world, lots confusing and lots of it senseless
:00:57. > :01:00.and we are no better equipped to make sense of it than anyone else
:01:01. > :01:04.but what we can try to do is remind you there is amazing stuff in the
:01:05. > :01:08.world and in the next half an hour we want to show you some of the
:01:09. > :01:11.thousands of strange colour weird and wonderful things that make this
:01:12. > :01:16.world and awesome place to live in. We are going to start the show with
:01:17. > :01:18.my fact, and my fact is that Mongolia is changing all of its
:01:19. > :01:26.addresses. LAUGHTER
:01:27. > :01:30.This was just announced, Mongolia is changing every single address in the
:01:31. > :01:32.country. The reason for this is because they have no reliable
:01:33. > :01:39.addresses really, it's really hard to deliver the mail on Mongolia.
:01:40. > :01:42.It's not just that they don't have many road names, lots of them are
:01:43. > :01:49.named after Genghis Khan, for instance. Really? Yeah, lots of them
:01:50. > :01:54.are. There are lots of nomads living there and they move around all the
:01:55. > :01:58.time. Is amazing, 75% of the world's population doesn't have a reliable
:01:59. > :02:01.address. There is this incredible new invention called what three
:02:02. > :02:06.words and the world has been mapped into these three by three square
:02:07. > :02:10.metre spaces and each three by three square metre space has been given
:02:11. > :02:14.three words to tell you where that is, three unique words and we all
:02:15. > :02:22.have it. In Greenwich in up the creek in the club we are in if you
:02:23. > :02:29.put in arena. Wages. Pitts that's where we are right now. Mongolia has
:02:30. > :02:35.a terrible system and they said why don't we use this and Mongolia will
:02:36. > :02:37.just have three word phrases. Mongolia is interesting, it's the
:02:38. > :02:44.least densely populated country in the world, two people per square,
:02:45. > :02:50.to. Wow! There are 3 million people living in the country. I was on the
:02:51. > :02:54.Mongol post website incidentally. LAUGHTER
:02:55. > :02:58.This is news on the Mongol post website, a postage stamp was created
:02:59. > :03:02.for the 3,000,000th citizen and there was a huge deal, born on the
:03:03. > :03:10.24th of January last year at the family of the 3,000,000th citizen.
:03:11. > :03:15.Enough of the local currency to buy a two-bedroom apartment. The
:03:16. > :03:20.President called the parents of the child to congratulate them and named
:03:21. > :03:25.the baby himself and he named the baby name which sounds like naming a
:03:26. > :03:31.baby English man, but that's what he said. He had a postage stamp
:03:32. > :03:36.designed and it will make you wish you were the 3,000,000th person born
:03:37. > :03:48.in Mongolia. Check that out, it is a baby or Somali riding a working
:03:49. > :03:49.horse -- awesomely. Just by accidentally being born!
:03:50. > :03:53.LAUGHTER That is how they used to do one of
:03:54. > :04:01.their post in Mongolia. They sent a baby on a horse? On the 10th and
:04:02. > :04:04.11th century they used to have the Mongol horse relay career system.
:04:05. > :04:07.What it would be is you would have people on a horse and they would
:04:08. > :04:11.deliver the mail. The thing I like is one of the rules of being the
:04:12. > :04:16.people who could take the mail, being the post man, you could
:04:17. > :04:20.commandeer anything. If you saw another horse that you thought could
:04:21. > :04:23.go faster you could have that horse, if you Pitts stopped at a house
:04:24. > :04:28.along the way you could take what you want, I'm delivering the mail,
:04:29. > :04:41.now that's my sandwich. That is really cool. He had 50,000 forces at
:04:42. > :04:45.the post office's disposal, 6000 boats on the water and also 1150
:04:46. > :04:51.sheep. It's interesting you mention the boats because modern-day
:04:52. > :04:57.Mongolia actually have their own navy, despite being a landlocked
:04:58. > :05:02.place. So they've got one ship, and from a video I've watched from 2011
:05:03. > :05:09.it is crewed by seven sailors, of which only one can swim. This is how
:05:10. > :05:18.far away from the ocean they are, the quote from the captain: "I'd
:05:19. > :05:22.like to see the real sea one-day". That is a weird kick start right
:05:23. > :05:29.now, send that man to the ocean! That is adorable. Mongolia recently
:05:30. > :05:35.proved that time travel exists. That is exciting. Yes!
:05:36. > :05:42.LAUGHTER So, archaeologists recently found an
:05:43. > :05:46.ancient mummy in Mongolia. It died over 1 million ago and it was 10,000
:05:47. > :05:51.feet high in the mountains. That is where they found it. The weird thing
:05:52. > :05:59.about the mummy was it was wearing a pair of Adidas trainers. They were
:06:00. > :06:02.unmistakable. If you Google it and ancient mummy was found wearing a
:06:03. > :06:08.pair of Adidas trainers and it's pretty great. Archaeologists deny
:06:09. > :06:11.they were real Adidas trainers. If time travel is real their whole
:06:12. > :06:20.business model is completely obsolete! I red an amazing article
:06:21. > :06:24.about why Mongolia's moment is now and it was explaining that Mongolia
:06:25. > :06:27.is one of these places that is straddling the modern and the past
:06:28. > :06:32.where the two live with each other. Lots of people have mobile phones,
:06:33. > :06:36.cellphones, but what they don't have is mobile reception so that's really
:06:37. > :06:38.annoying. You could still play snake, presumably?
:06:39. > :06:45.LAUGHTER That is true and it is still on a
:06:46. > :06:50.Nokia! What they do do, though, is they are clever at working out how
:06:51. > :06:54.to make things work so they find out locations that have reception, if
:06:55. > :06:58.you go to a certain height, he said, they genuinely do this, the way they
:06:59. > :07:02.send text messages is get to the position and if they are not high
:07:03. > :07:06.enough they hold the send button and throw the phone up into the air
:07:07. > :07:10.really high and then catch it and in the time it has gone up it has got
:07:11. > :07:18.the reception and sent the message and come back down! It doesn't sound
:07:19. > :07:22.true, does it? That is why he red it out! Where were you during ID gas
:07:23. > :07:31.mummy trainer! LAUGHTER
:07:32. > :07:35.-- Adidas mummy trainers? One thing that Mongolia, the country
:07:36. > :07:41.has one native Catholic priest, they've got their first Catholic
:07:42. > :07:45.priest from Mongolia recently and it has only one gay bar in the whole
:07:46. > :07:56.country. The guy that runs it sounds awesome. He calls himself a Shamen
:07:57. > :08:01.and he claims he can predict the size of men's genitalia just by
:08:02. > :08:18.looking at them at the men, not the genitalia. Not the shamer who lives
:08:19. > :08:24.next door who says to small! We have to move on, anybody got any thing
:08:25. > :08:30.before we do? The postman was fired for folding a vinyl record in half
:08:31. > :08:37.so it would fit into a letterbox. LAUGHTER
:08:38. > :08:41.OK! It is time for fact number two and that is Anna Bacsinszky.
:08:42. > :08:44.My fact this week is that the website addresses
:08:45. > :08:51.donaldtrumpsucks.com, Iambeingsuedbythedonald.com, and
:08:52. > :08:57.Ihatetrumpvodka.com are all owned by Donald Trump.
:08:58. > :09:01.LAUGHTER This is this thing that came out
:09:02. > :09:05.last year, the fact that Donald Trump and his company bought a whole
:09:06. > :09:10.bunch of websites people might plausibly use if they didn't like
:09:11. > :09:13.him. This year his general counsel revealed a list of 3000 website
:09:14. > :09:19.addresses they have taken. I think it might run in the tens of
:09:20. > :09:24.thousands, the total number. This week his favourability rating has
:09:25. > :09:28.gone, it was already pretty low but it has gone. 29% of Americans are
:09:29. > :09:35.favourable towards Trump, by far the lowest it has ever been for anyone
:09:36. > :09:40.in political history. Really? 29% is the same number of Americans who
:09:41. > :09:43.have a rodent problem. Also the same number who cannot find the Pacific
:09:44. > :09:51.ocean on a world map. LAUGHTER
:09:52. > :09:54.You are not suggesting any link at all?
:09:55. > :10:04.LAUGHTER It is 1% fewer than the number of
:10:05. > :10:10.Americans who pronounce the word meme as me me. A lady called Janet
:10:11. > :10:16.Lasalle owns loads of websites in the hope she can sell it on in the
:10:17. > :10:21.future. She owns the first female President of the United States of
:10:22. > :10:29.America.com. $375,000 it will cost you to buy that. I'm all right! What
:10:30. > :10:35.about this one? President Hillary Clinton will be 3.7 million if you
:10:36. > :10:43.want to buy that. Again... OK, what about date Santa Claus.com? Now I'm
:10:44. > :10:49.interested! That is one of hers but on the website it says "Make me an
:10:50. > :11:05.offer". That I can afford! Here is another one, below -- bludgeon
:11:06. > :11:12.pay.com. Buy lovely flowers.com. $37,000. To say thank you for that
:11:13. > :11:21.sexual favour! LAUGHTER
:11:22. > :11:26.This week in an interview, Trump said "I'm never going to let you
:11:27. > :11:35.down". The Internet went crazy thinking that maybe his entire
:11:36. > :11:39.campaign is just a massive rickroll. But, what I did find out is that
:11:40. > :11:45.Rick Astley might be number one this week. Did you see that has Mac
:11:46. > :11:54.explained that. Rickroll is on the Internet because you tell somebody
:11:55. > :12:00.to look at the Internet for a rickroll and they get the Rick
:12:01. > :12:05.Astley song Never Going To Give You Up. And This Is A Me Me.
:12:06. > :12:10.Laughter You Think You Are Going To Something
:12:11. > :12:16.And You Go To It And It Plays Never Going To Give You Up. Even the white
:12:17. > :12:22.House rickrolled somebody when they accused them of being boring. In the
:12:23. > :12:31.midweek charts Rick Astley was number two, but he was number two by
:12:32. > :12:36.just 14 copies. No! Who is ahead? It is Tom Odell. This is the closest
:12:37. > :12:39.race to number one in the album charts for ages and ages. There is a
:12:40. > :12:45.reasonably good chance that when we go to air he will be number one. We
:12:46. > :12:49.need to move on soon. In the Richmond Times dispatch there was an
:12:50. > :12:54.obituary of Maryanne Noland, and the obituary said Cullen faced with the
:12:55. > :12:57.prospect of voting for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton Maryanne
:12:58. > :13:00.Noland of Richmond chose instead to pass to the internal love eternal
:13:01. > :13:15.love of God. Samuel L Jackson said he wants to do
:13:16. > :13:19.a duet with Donald Trump. He says he wants to sing Strange Fruit. I
:13:20. > :13:24.looked into the relationship between Samuel L Jackson and Donald Trump.
:13:25. > :13:28.Jackson accused Donald Trump of cheating in golf in an interview
:13:29. > :13:36.this year. The interviewer said, "I hear you guys are golf buddies?
:13:37. > :13:49.Samuel said, "we're not buddies. We played golf a lot of times, I'm
:13:50. > :13:56.better than him, I never cheat." Donald Trump said we don't play golf
:13:57. > :14:02.together. He said I don't know what you're talking about. We played golf
:14:03. > :14:06.last week. So we are halfway through. It's time to look at the
:14:07. > :14:14.stories you sent into us via emails and social media. We will start with
:14:15. > :14:19.you, Anna. A story e-mailed in by Felix. A woman in Germany saw a man
:14:20. > :14:22.bury something in the woodland. She saw that he created a grave with a
:14:23. > :14:30.wooden cross. So she called the police. A little coffin was exhumed
:14:31. > :14:37.by the police. On opening it they found a bit of mouldy old gerkin.
:14:38. > :14:52.APPLAUSE. Andy, what do you have? Sent in by
:14:53. > :14:56.Tristan. That a 230 foot replica of Noah's Arc collided with a
:14:57. > :14:59.coastguard vessel in Norway on Friday. No animals were harmed
:15:00. > :15:07.because there were no animals on board. James, what have you got?
:15:08. > :15:11.Mine was emailed by Tim from the east Grinstead Courier. A
:15:12. > :15:16.disqualified driver from East Sussex with no teeth was given a 16 week
:15:17. > :15:24.suspended sentence by trying to resist arrest by sucking a police
:15:25. > :15:30.officer. OK. It's time for fact number three. That is James. My fact
:15:31. > :15:36.this week is that dishes you can eat at the world's best restaurant
:15:37. > :15:41.include - memory of a mortadella sandwich. The crunchy part of the
:15:42. > :15:52.lasagne and. Oops, I dropped the lemon tarte. Unsuccessful follow-up
:15:53. > :15:55.to Oops, I Did It Again. A prequel song.
:15:56. > :16:07.APPLAUSE This is a list of the world's 50
:16:08. > :16:17.best restaurants that came out this week by restaurant Magazine. It was
:16:18. > :16:22.topped by a restaurant that, according to this magazine, is the
:16:23. > :16:28.best in the world. Oops, I dropped the lemon tarte. One of the
:16:29. > :16:36.restaurant's chefs dropped a lemon tarte. He is inspired by art. He
:16:37. > :16:41.said that he defines his food as "traditional Italian food, but seen
:16:42. > :16:46.from 10 miles away. " That's just a by-word for, "I have tiny, tiny
:16:47. > :16:58.portions." APPLAUSE He's created dishes based
:16:59. > :17:09.around Damien Hirst's work. Picasso. He has a dish where he says he
:17:10. > :17:13.couldn't have done it without Gertrude The restaurant was Stein.
:17:14. > :17:16.Going for 15 years, it had attractions, but didn't have proper
:17:17. > :17:23.credibility given to it from the industry. Happens a Mitchelin star
:17:24. > :17:27.inspector had his car break down right near the restaurant. While
:17:28. > :17:32.waiting for his car be repaired, I had better get something to eat,
:17:33. > :17:35.from this restaurant. That is how the restaurant was discovered.
:17:36. > :17:41.Quick, scrape that lemon tarte off the floor. The way he is presenting
:17:42. > :17:46.this Italian food is causing controversy. He is getting oversea
:17:47. > :17:50.awards. Back home they thought they were ruining great Italian food.
:17:51. > :17:56.Turning it into an artistic thing. While he was receiving massive
:17:57. > :18:00.awards from the UK for Best Italian Restaurants he had inspectors coming
:18:01. > :18:05.over of poisoning people with his food and his ideas. I don't know if
:18:06. > :18:09.that's within the remit of the health inspector to say, I don't
:18:10. > :18:18.know if he has a philosopher friend with him. A mouse in the kitchen and
:18:19. > :18:24.a Gertrud Stein quote on the wall. Shut him down. There's a particular
:18:25. > :18:30.artwork that was in this about two years ago, one interviewer went
:18:31. > :18:34.there. It is this. So that is sitting in the middle of this
:18:35. > :18:41.restaurant, the best restaurant in the world. A bin liner sitting in
:18:42. > :18:46.the middle of the restaurant. It's like an art critic's car broke down
:18:47. > :18:50.outside and it's like - sheet what are we going to do. It's the
:18:51. > :18:54.centrepiece. It looks like a bin. Modern art. The Tate Modern in
:18:55. > :19:01.London has just opened up its new wing. Yeah. The new extension. A
:19:02. > :19:06.website went to it and wrote an article about it. It has twice as
:19:07. > :19:17.many live parrots as it has paintings. It only has two parrots.
:19:18. > :19:23.LAUGHTER. Two parrots that destroyed 50 paintings. Yeah. It will be hard
:19:24. > :19:30.to get down to this place. We could go to the Naked Restaurant in
:19:31. > :19:35.London, which is just - You could. It's a pop-up restaurant, which is
:19:36. > :19:43.pretty unfortunate... APPLAUSE Japan is opened up a Naked
:19:44. > :19:49.Restaurant, they have banned people who are overweight or too old or
:19:50. > :19:55.have tattoos. It says, if you are more than 15 kilos above the average
:19:56. > :20:00.weight for your heat we ask you refrain from making ing a res
:20:01. > :20:06.certificate vagus. You may be weighed. Patrons of 18-60 are
:20:07. > :20:11.allowed in. You are asked for ID to age you you if you look 61.
:20:12. > :20:23.Presumably you haven't got your passport on you! Let me get that.
:20:24. > :20:28.No, don't worry, sir. A device has been approved in America by the FDA,
:20:29. > :20:33.it's called the - aspire assist. Have you heard of this? No. It
:20:34. > :20:37.allows you to, it's a weight treatment, basically, it allows you
:20:38. > :20:43.to drain food directly from your stomach into a nearby toilet. What?
:20:44. > :20:47.Yes. They make a little hole here. They give you what is called a skin
:20:48. > :20:54.port. That has a tube leading to your stomach. When you finish your
:20:55. > :20:59.meal, you go to loo, open your skin port, massage yourself. You put
:21:00. > :21:03.water back in to replace it. You can 30% of the calories you've eaten
:21:04. > :21:11.this way. I've got a hole that I use...
:21:12. > :21:22.APPLAUSE. LAUGHTER.
:21:23. > :21:30.We have a photo of it here! I will show you later. OK. It is time for
:21:31. > :21:36.our final fact of the show. That is Andrew Hunter Murray. Britain has
:21:37. > :21:42.its first ever robot office manager, called Betty, she has a short-term
:21:43. > :21:48.contract in Milton Keynes. This robot, Betty, it's a smart robot
:21:49. > :21:53.working for a firm called Transport Systems Catapult and her job is, she
:21:54. > :22:01.patrols the office and she collects data on temperature and humidity and
:22:02. > :22:04.things like this. It's creepy. They say it's through Ethics Committees.
:22:05. > :22:09.It finds out which members of staff are in at night and shouldn't be and
:22:10. > :22:16.report them. If she spots something that is out of place she take as
:22:17. > :22:23.photo and emails it to her bosses saying - "what is this why is this
:22:24. > :22:26.here?" I have a photo of her. This is Betty with one of her new
:22:27. > :22:31.colleagues. Obviously, Betty is the one on the left.
:22:32. > :22:41.Yeah. She has a younger brother, hasn't she? An older brother, sorry.
:22:42. > :22:49.Bob. He worked as a security guard in Tewkesbury in 2014. I don't know
:22:50. > :22:54.if he's kept the job. How many wronguns did he slam? One called
:22:55. > :23:03.Linda they were testing in 2013. It got stuck in thick carpet and had to
:23:04. > :23:11.text for help. LAUGHTER. They are trying to humanise all
:23:12. > :23:18.these robots. There is a very famous robot called. I met him. Did you?
:23:19. > :23:23.I've danced with him. He did not call!
:23:24. > :23:37.He texted for help at the time. APPLAUSE He gets taken around the
:23:38. > :23:41.world, set up on dates, apparently! He gets taken around the world and
:23:42. > :23:44.he does demonstrations where he talks to various groups of people.
:23:45. > :23:53.He can speak in lots of different languages. When in Italy they
:23:54. > :23:57.created a special reprogramming so that when he talks he now talks with
:23:58. > :24:01.his arms. It's amazing. Lshgs there is an interesting study that came
:24:02. > :24:05.out that is showing an interesting new development between humans and
:24:06. > :24:12.robots. That is the study says that touching robots in their private
:24:13. > :24:17.parts turns humans on. Right. Yeah. Think did an experiment where they
:24:18. > :24:22.had 10 volunteers touching robots in 13 different places. They found when
:24:23. > :24:27.it got to the more intimate areas the person touching it had a slight
:24:28. > :24:31.arousal. Now, they say it's not an arousal for the robot, it's an
:24:32. > :24:35.arousal for the idea of touching somewhere. It's interesting because
:24:36. > :24:40.the robot actually, you can see footage of this robot. It's amazing.
:24:41. > :24:45.Sitting down, in quite a sexy position, I have to say. You don't
:24:46. > :24:51.need need to justify it. It says stuff to the person he says, "touch
:24:52. > :24:57.me here? " This is one of the comments you can hear the robot say.
:24:58. > :25:07.We will play it in now. Please, touch my buttocks. This takes me
:25:08. > :25:14.back! This is my favourite robot of the week. A Twitter robot. It's been
:25:15. > :25:17.instructed, I hate to drag the conversation back to Donald Trump.
:25:18. > :25:22.It immediately replies to Donald Trump's tweets. If anyone replies to
:25:23. > :25:25.those tweets and reply to Donald Trump it will write nonsense
:25:26. > :25:33.sentences to them. A lot of Donald Trump supporters have been getting
:25:34. > :25:49.into heated arguments with the robot.
:25:50. > :26:02.Another tweet was. He likes to lick them, he likes to ride hogs. Bro,
:26:03. > :26:06.you seem V nice. Sounds like Trump could be controlling this account.
:26:07. > :26:08.That's it. That is all of our facts. Time to share four stories we didn't
:26:09. > :26:27.have time to cover. James. Wales' first ever win over England.
:26:28. > :26:31.The final score was 1-0. The only goal came after England's keeper was
:26:32. > :26:46.barged over as he threw the ball out. The goal was allowed to stand
:26:47. > :26:51.by the referee. This is from Bloomberg this week. The news that a
:26:52. > :26:55.chemistry professor testing out a weed breathalyser using students as
:26:56. > :27:00.guinea pigs. One of the students tested positive for drugs before the
:27:01. > :27:04.trial dose had been administered. That was until the student
:27:05. > :27:12.remembered he had smoked a joint at breakfast. The kem chemistry
:27:13. > :27:17.professor's name is "herb. " The youngest person on the Queen's
:27:18. > :27:22.honour list is a 21-year-old who got it for his extraordinary plumbing
:27:23. > :27:27.and heating prowess. Finally, Andy. From the New York Times. It's that
:27:28. > :27:32.nearly four years after Richard III was discovered under a car park in
:27:33. > :27:39.Leicester archeologist think they may have discovered Henry I under a
:27:40. > :27:43.car park. Henry was a reforming King and would have been fascinated by
:27:44. > :27:50.the idea of cars and transport amay well have liked being buried under a
:27:51. > :27:55.car park. LAUGHTER. Now to Jane Hill in the studio who
:27:56. > :28:02.will reveal why she has been calling me Bernard this entire series.
:28:03. > :28:08.# Never going to run around and desert you... #
:28:09. > :28:16.What! # Never going to make you cry and
:28:17. > :28:23.say goodbye... # We got Rickrolled by Jane Hill.
:28:24. > :28:50.That's been No Such Thing as the News, we'll see you soon. Goodbye.
:28:51. > :28:51.Hello, there. You left us a voicemail
:28:52. > :28:54.stating you were interested in our mediation services.
:28:55. > :28:59.I would like, from the sale of house, 200.