:00:00. > :00:00.A chicken has been arrested attempting to cross
:00:00. > :00:09.Tayside Police are appealing for information as to why
:00:10. > :00:16.A Massachusetts man, who spent 26 years growing the largest pumpkin
:00:17. > :00:23.much as a walrus, but probably tastes like cardboard.
:00:24. > :00:25.Two under-11 football teams in China have been
:00:26. > :00:33.The side that was losing 2-1 at half time scored 24 goals
:00:34. > :00:36.in the second-half, including a suspicious number of own goals.
:00:37. > :00:39.And the headline of the week from the Wilts
:00:40. > :00:44.79 Cirencester man grows pineapple at his home
:00:45. > :00:50.All of which can mean only one thing, there's No Such
:00:51. > :01:12.Hello and welcome to a brand new series of No Such Thing
:01:13. > :01:15.as the News, coming to you from up the creek in Greenwich, London.
:01:16. > :01:18.My name is Dan Schreiber and I'm sitting here with Anna Ptaszynski,
:01:19. > :01:22.Andrew Hunter Murray and James Harkin.
:01:23. > :01:30.Over the next eight weeks, we're here to present to you the most
:01:31. > :01:33.interesting stories we found in the news of the last seven days.
:01:34. > :01:35.And, in no particular order, here we go.
:01:36. > :01:39.My fact this week is that three days before his second debate
:01:40. > :01:41.with Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump announced
:01:42. > :01:53.He announced this at a town hall event where there was a moderator,
:01:54. > :01:55.all the questions were submitted by the audience and his answers
:01:56. > :01:57.were timed to be no longer than two minutes.
:01:58. > :02:05.But I can see why he was saying that this wasn't preparation
:02:06. > :02:07.at the same time because in a way he kind of just...
:02:08. > :02:12.It was moderated by someone who was a fan of his.
:02:13. > :02:16.The questions weren't exactly what he might expect in the actual
:02:17. > :02:25.Because questions were like, "what would you say to convince
:02:26. > :02:29.to convince Hispanics - who are deceived by Obama,
:02:30. > :02:31.Clinton and the biased media - to vote for you?"
:02:32. > :02:37.And, "what's you're favourite childhood memory?"
:02:38. > :02:46.The moderator read that and it ends with "go, Donald!
:02:47. > :02:48.Donald Trump didn't have a childhood.
:02:49. > :02:52.So Jane Goodall said this week the primatoligt, anthropologist
:02:53. > :02:56.that the way he's risen to the top is exactly like how chimps rise
:02:57. > :03:00.As in, they impress each other by doing lots of stamping around
:03:01. > :03:02.on the ground, lots of throwing rocks about,
:03:03. > :03:06.That convinces people around them that they're the dominant one
:03:07. > :03:09.and that means they rise to the top of the hierarchy the fastest
:03:10. > :03:14.That's really interesting because didn't Nigel Farage also say
:03:15. > :03:16.say that he was like a male silverback gorilla?
:03:17. > :03:23.An animal with a three centimetre penis.
:03:24. > :03:25.But with hands that small, it looks fine.
:03:26. > :03:33.So during the debate, according to Merriam-Webster,
:03:34. > :03:39.the dictionary company, the top searched for word
:03:40. > :03:51.Also, bigley, demagogic and pettual lent.
:03:52. > :03:55.So the Wall Street Journal looked at the response around the world.
:03:56. > :03:57.Them looked at the response from China online an what people
:03:58. > :04:01.It was, basically, a lot of people saying -
:04:02. > :04:04.I'm glad that we don't have this kind of democracy where
:04:05. > :04:12.One person commenting saying "the choice was like that
:04:13. > :04:14.between that of mouldy bread and expired sausage."
:04:15. > :04:17.So there was a lot of coverage this week about the handshakegate
:04:18. > :04:22.At the start of the first debate him and Hillary shook hands
:04:23. > :04:25.and at the start of this debate they didn't, although
:04:26. > :04:34.But I didn't realise that that might be because Donald Trump has a more
:04:35. > :04:37.Donald Trump has a more -- morbid fear of shaking hands.
:04:38. > :04:38.So he thinks it's completely barbaric.
:04:39. > :04:41.He's written in books that he's written that it's one of the curses
:04:42. > :04:43.of American society, a terrible practice and one
:04:44. > :04:46.of the worst disadvantages of being famous because you have
:04:47. > :04:48.to do it so often because he's a germaphobe
:04:49. > :04:53.Although he has said on tape that you get to do other
:04:54. > :05:02.I was looking into handshakes I thought, again, if Trump makes it
:05:03. > :05:04.in and he hates handshakes, it's a big part of the
:05:05. > :05:08.I discovered that once you become president
:05:09. > :05:16.What it is, is that all presidents have a thing
:05:17. > :05:20.It's a little coin, lots of people in the military have it as well,
:05:21. > :05:23.when they decide that they're going to give someone that coin,
:05:24. > :05:25.they put it in the palm of their hand, very secretively,
:05:26. > :05:29.and then they shake the hand and they hand over a free coin.
:05:30. > :05:33.Obama keeps them in his pocket and that's to people...
:05:34. > :05:35.That guy behind him has no idea, has he?
:05:36. > :05:42.He must be coming in at that with such speed that the G-force
:05:43. > :05:48.Well, the first time Obama did it he actually dropped
:05:49. > :05:52.Photographers desperately try to capture a challenge
:05:53. > :05:53.coin being handed over, military do it.
:05:54. > :06:01.It's kind of like collecting Pokemon.
:06:02. > :06:05.If you get the President one, that's getting the ultimate.
:06:06. > :06:09.So before the debate happened this week, there had to be a practice
:06:10. > :06:12.debate to make sure that all the text stuff was working OK.
:06:13. > :06:14.So this happened at Washington University and stand-ins
:06:15. > :06:17.were recruited from the university to come and be Trump and Clinton
:06:18. > :06:19.and they were selected because they were the same
:06:20. > :06:25.And they had to come up with what topics they were going
:06:26. > :06:27.to debate because they had to be on stage for hours.
:06:28. > :06:30.So the topics they went for to debate were subjects
:06:31. > :06:46.So they debated Snap Chat versus Instagram.
:06:47. > :06:48.They debated who likes Dora the Explorer more
:06:49. > :06:52.and they debated who is going to end up on the Iron Throne at the end
:06:53. > :06:56.This is nicer than a lot of the stuff we actually saw.
:06:57. > :07:08.But these guys, what is on their chairs?
:07:09. > :07:11.It must be to keep the germs off for when Donald comes.
:07:12. > :07:14.So if it's just for Donald, why is it not just
:07:15. > :07:17.It's also inaccurate because if they were doing this
:07:18. > :07:19.like the proper debate, the guy playing Donald would be
:07:20. > :07:21.standing about two feet behind Clinton.
:07:22. > :07:25.Well, they did say on their website, on the Washington University these
:07:26. > :07:28.two people who took part said that all the tech guys say -
:07:29. > :07:31.can you please pace up-and-down a lot, and you, the Donald
:07:32. > :07:33.character, can you interrupt her quite loudly because we need it
:07:34. > :07:36.to be a realistic representation of what's going to happen, so we can
:07:37. > :07:42.So between the first and the second debate the amount that Trump
:07:43. > :07:45.interrupted Clinton dropped by 72% because he interrupted her only 15
:07:46. > :07:50.Although, it's really interesting, the figures, loads of people have
:07:51. > :07:54.It's very hard to measure what's an interuption - I don't
:07:55. > :07:57.You must have known that was going to happen.
:07:58. > :08:06.OK, we should move on to our next fact.
:08:07. > :08:08.It's time for fact number two and that
:08:09. > :08:12.My fact this week is that the hip-hop duo
:08:13. > :08:14.Insane Clown Posse has just issued a statement to say
:08:15. > :08:16.there's no such thing as an insane clown.
:08:17. > :08:20.So this is about all those insane clowns walking the streets
:08:21. > :08:26.So this is a report on their Facebook page that said one
:08:27. > :08:34.reporter had asked them if all these crazy clowns that have been going
:08:35. > :08:36.going around in this last week were a promotional thing
:08:37. > :08:40.They said, "needless to say we shut him down we shut his
:08:41. > :08:44.There are no killer clowns, it's just jackasses being jacskasses,
:08:45. > :08:57.And then, one of their members, Violent J...
:08:58. > :09:02.He wrote an article for Times saying that the real clowns are the police,
:09:03. > :09:05.the racists, big governments, like the NSA and all those people.
:09:06. > :09:11.Professional clowns are suffering hugely.
:09:12. > :09:22.They've made a lot of statements about this.
:09:23. > :09:23.For example, Randy Christenssen, who is the...
:09:24. > :09:25.He's the President of the World Clown Association.
:09:26. > :09:28.But he said, he pointed out, "if someone dresses like a doctor
:09:29. > :09:31.and is in a doctor's smock and is wearing a stethoscope
:09:32. > :09:34.and is in a haunted house and comes as at you with a chainsaw,
:09:35. > :09:41.So obviously it's surprisingly it's been front page news on so many
:09:42. > :09:44.newspapers and so many sightings are happening where we're seeing
:09:45. > :09:54.Dan, reads a particular kind of newspaper.
:09:55. > :09:57.So they are being spotted everywhere.
:09:58. > :09:59.Actually, there's now even an app that you can get.
:10:00. > :10:06.It's a clown tracker, where you're able...
:10:07. > :10:11.You can spot where all the clowns have been.
:10:12. > :10:13.As of me taking that screen grab there was just over
:10:14. > :10:34.They are just weirdeoes who have got a bit of slap or put
:10:35. > :10:36.Also, they're not necessarily sightings.
:10:37. > :10:39.I think in the US more people are being aest ared for reporting
:10:40. > :10:41.fake clown sightings than fake clowns being arrested.
:10:42. > :10:45.It's a complete hoax most of the time most of the calls made.
:10:46. > :10:47.It's really irritating on the police.
:10:48. > :10:50.This fact was about a band who dress as clowns doing
:10:51. > :10:54.I thought - what other bands do I know where there are people
:10:55. > :10:57.One of the members of Slipknot is a guy called Clown,
:10:58. > :11:00.or they call him Clown, and he has a really,
:11:01. > :11:03.So I emailed Corey Taylor, who is the lead singer of Slipknot
:11:04. > :11:05.and he gave me a statement on this.
:11:06. > :11:15.He said, "the affects have been such that even our dear Clown has
:11:16. > :11:23.downgraded himself to Mime in order to distance himself from these
:11:24. > :11:24.hedonistic doppelgangers until
:11:25. > :11:27.Remember, a real clown doesn't need a knife to intimidate,
:11:28. > :11:42.There I found a website called, ihateclowns.com.
:11:43. > :11:45.They've been going since 1996 and the whole website is just
:11:46. > :11:49.In fact, there's an article on it that lists 34
:11:50. > :11:54.A clown wrote the original music and lyrics to, you
:11:55. > :12:11.They have big feet and then way down on the list,
:12:12. > :12:13.but I think most important - a clown stole my dad's job.
:12:14. > :12:16.So another clown job out there is being an evil
:12:17. > :12:19.So I don't think this is helping their PR
:12:20. > :12:22.You can hire evil clowns to stalk your children.
:12:23. > :12:33.There is someone called Winkles who did an interview
:12:34. > :12:35.with the Independent a short while ago who said...
:12:36. > :12:39."When I was a kid it was OK to scare children and now they're
:12:40. > :12:42.One mother hired him to stand at a bus stop and stare
:12:43. > :12:45.at her 12-year-old son until he started crying in front
:12:46. > :12:55.So that child who got chased, who saw Wrinkles on the other side
:12:56. > :13:05.of the bus stop and ran home, his mother had a quote saying
:13:06. > :13:08.something along the lines of - "it's really great, any time he's
:13:09. > :13:11.really naughty, I say, OK, Wrinkles is coming" and then he does
:13:12. > :13:15.There is one bit of good news if you are one of the people
:13:16. > :13:17.who are freaking out about the clowns everywhere right
:13:18. > :13:20.now and you suffer generally from the fear of clowns.
:13:21. > :13:23.You can actually have that solved by a particular circus in the UK.
:13:24. > :13:25.They offer clowncilling, where they get you through your
:13:26. > :13:34.So clowncilling is out there if you need it.
:13:35. > :13:36.OK, so we are halfway through the show.
:13:37. > :13:39.It's time to look at the stories that you sent in to us
:13:40. > :14:18.We start with James. I was sent this. That isn't depression, it is
:14:19. > :14:28.throwing a strop, and she can go to her room for the rest of the
:14:29. > :14:51.evening. I got this, the news that Australia's only flamingo...
:14:52. > :14:58.Australia has one flamingo? One flamingo, and it's a pensioner! And
:14:59. > :15:00.lastly, Andy. And continue to send us more
:15:01. > :15:21.of your tweets and Facebook messages OK, we should move on to our third
:15:22. > :15:27.fact of the show and that is, My fact is that this week,
:15:28. > :15:32.four separate pumpkin This is the real story
:15:33. > :15:40.of this week's news, guys! So it's October, which means that
:15:41. > :15:44.now is when we have pumpkins. And one thing that goes
:15:45. > :15:52.with that is, you have a load of competitions happening
:15:53. > :15:54.all around the world. And the records are tumbling
:15:55. > :15:56.like ninepins at the moment. So we've had, in the last week
:15:57. > :16:02.alone, several records broken for biggest outdoors
:16:03. > :16:04.grown pumpkin in the UK, biggest pumpkin ever in America,
:16:05. > :16:07.biggest pumpkin ever in the world, and the furthest someone's
:16:08. > :16:09.travelled in a boat made out Why do they turn these
:16:10. > :16:21.pumpkins into boats? Erm, often, they taste quite bland
:16:22. > :16:32.because they've grown so huge. What's amazing about them is, yes,
:16:33. > :16:35.they may not taste good, so that's not the reason for making
:16:36. > :16:39.them, it's the fact that as they get bigger, more and more people
:16:40. > :16:44.want to make it bigger pumpkin. And so the seeds of the pumpkin
:16:45. > :16:47.are worth huge amounts of money. So the one that grew,
:16:48. > :16:51.the outdoor British one, that was grown from a seed
:16:52. > :16:54.that cost ?1,250. But the seeds from this
:16:55. > :16:58.pumpkin that he's grown, you'll be able to get
:16:59. > :17:00.two for a tenner! Because I thought the pound had
:17:01. > :17:04.plummeted, so that seems reasonable! Like, these are massive,
:17:05. > :17:10.these pumpkins. And no-one thought we'd get to a ton
:17:11. > :17:13.and that was achieved only I never dared
:17:14. > :17:15.to dream! They did work out the
:17:16. > :17:20.maximum that a pumpkin They put a pumpkin into a vice
:17:21. > :17:27.and they kind of squeezed its work out how much water
:17:28. > :17:29.you can get into it. And they reckon the maximum
:17:30. > :17:32.you can get is about I actually read a different report,
:17:33. > :17:35.which is they've worked Because they're trying
:17:36. > :17:39.to find out what maximum The problem with growing pumpkins
:17:40. > :17:50.on Earth is gravity. And gravity is what stops it
:17:51. > :17:52.from being able to go In theory, and this
:17:53. > :17:57.is my own deduction... ..you could grow a pumpkin
:17:58. > :18:04.the size of a planet. We could be living in a pumpkin
:18:05. > :18:12.universe, that's what I'm saying. How's that blinded
:18:13. > :18:13.by science condition Just quickly deal with
:18:14. > :18:28.the pumpkin as canoe record So this was in Washington State
:18:29. > :18:32.and it was a woman called Charity Marshall, who went 15 miles
:18:33. > :18:35.in a boat made out of a pumpkin. The previous record was eight
:18:36. > :18:38.miles, so this is, again, It's only, what, 23 miles from Dover
:18:39. > :18:44.to Calais, how long until we can What I'm saying is, by the time
:18:45. > :18:48.Brexit happens, can I get out I think we've got one more picture,
:18:49. > :19:02.actually, which is of the pumpkin grown by a pair of twins,
:19:03. > :19:04.Ian and Stuart Paton. Stuart said, "Some days,
:19:05. > :19:06.we'll spend five hours We never get bored
:19:07. > :19:09.or fed up with them, Can I tell you something
:19:10. > :19:14.about the Paton brothers? They've been growing pumpkins
:19:15. > :19:23.since they were 11 and in 2004, Ian Paton won the
:19:24. > :19:24.30-year-old pumpkin contest between Everton and Milford
:19:25. > :19:27.on Sea, and he broke the British record and he required the Army
:19:28. > :19:30.to come and deliver And Everton got very angry
:19:31. > :19:34.about that and used him of cheating Which he totally denies,
:19:35. > :19:38.by the way. So in the end, everyone
:19:39. > :19:40.pulled out on the whole Who turns up with a pumpkin
:19:41. > :19:44.on an army truck? You would think the Army had better
:19:45. > :19:48.things to do in 2004! Looking into how people grow these
:19:49. > :19:56.pumpkins, it's amazing because they So I've seen lots of photos
:19:57. > :20:01.of these massive pumpkins. So they just make sure
:20:02. > :20:04.that they are nice and warm. So not only do they put water
:20:05. > :20:08.on them, they put milk Sorry, pumpkins can't milk
:20:09. > :20:18.creatures in the wild, so it feels like they don't
:20:19. > :20:21.naturally want milk. You don't get Viagra
:20:22. > :20:23.in the wild either! Can I show you my record-breaking
:20:24. > :20:42.big thing of the week? So this is the world's biggest
:20:43. > :20:49.swing. And this was swung on this week
:20:50. > :20:52.and this was created by Red Bull and I think we've got video
:20:53. > :20:54.footage of it. Sky divers jumped from a hot
:20:55. > :20:56.air balloon. And there was a swing
:20:57. > :20:59.attached to it. The two balloons had to be exactly
:21:00. > :21:11.the right distance apart, or otherwise, they would have
:21:12. > :21:13.broken their bodies. But yes, they created
:21:14. > :21:15.the biggest swing ever They were 1800 metres
:21:16. > :21:24.above the ground. And then they hurled themselves
:21:25. > :21:26.of the swing at the last minute. OK, let's move on to our final fact
:21:27. > :21:32.of the show, and that is, Anna? My fact is that no one will be
:21:33. > :21:35.allowed to wear a smartwatch at Theresa May's Cabinet meeting
:21:36. > :21:38.this week for fear the Russians So this week is her first Cabinet
:21:39. > :21:51.meeting following Conference season, and she said no
:21:52. > :21:56.Apple watches allowed. And smartphones have been banned
:21:57. > :21:59.in Cabinet meetings In fact, people in Parliament
:22:00. > :22:06.who are going to sensitive meetings were certain things might be
:22:07. > :22:08.discussed have been given lead-lined, soundproofed boxes
:22:09. > :22:10.that they have to put their phones Didn't Edward Snowden,
:22:11. > :22:17.whenever he had a meeting where he was discussing the leaks,
:22:18. > :22:19.he would make everyone But Edward Snowden is pro-leaking,
:22:20. > :22:27.right? It was said David Cameron
:22:28. > :22:29.banned mobile phones But then he relented in 2015
:22:30. > :22:37.and they were about have a really important, sensitive briefing
:22:38. > :22:40.about cyber security and he said, OK, I know I've banned phones,
:22:41. > :22:44.but if anyone here did by mistake bring a phone into the room,
:22:45. > :22:48.can you please get up and it outside because we are going
:22:49. > :22:50.to have this briefing? 12 ministers around
:22:51. > :22:51.the table got up. Potentially allowing the Russians
:22:52. > :22:59.and the Chinese to spy on us! Didn't he also have a situation
:23:00. > :23:04.where with smart watches, it was a smartwatch,
:23:05. > :23:07.Michael Gove during a meeting... He accidentally pressed the wrong
:23:08. > :23:10.button on his watch. She does say a lot about
:23:11. > :23:19.betrayal, doesn't she? She actually, that was quite funny,
:23:20. > :23:27.that incident, because that happened in this Cabinet meeting and Cameron
:23:28. > :23:29.was apparently really angry with Michael Gove
:23:30. > :23:32.that this had happened. Imagine if he had known
:23:33. > :23:34.what was going to happen He would have been so much calmer
:23:35. > :23:42.about the whole thing! Didn't they ban Furbies
:23:43. > :23:44.for a while back in the time I think they banned them
:23:45. > :23:49.from Government offices and stuff because they
:23:50. > :23:51.could record things. And also because it is
:23:52. > :23:54.a Government office But David Cameron had
:23:55. > :24:00.an amnesty on Furbies. So on the hacking thing,
:24:01. > :24:11.so this week, Yahoo have patented a smart billboard
:24:12. > :24:15.which they want to collect people's information on and use it
:24:16. > :24:24.to broadcast adverts to them in real-time which are targeted
:24:25. > :24:27.as they for example they are That can't possibly go wrong
:24:28. > :24:30.from a company that has had a billion
:24:31. > :24:31.e-mails hacked! But also, you might not want
:24:32. > :24:34.or your adverts targeted There was a thing in Jakarta this
:24:35. > :24:48.week where someone was arrested for hacking a billboard
:24:49. > :24:50.and putting He said, I was bored,
:24:51. > :24:56.I wanted to watch porn! And they had on the billboard,
:24:57. > :24:59.it wasn't a proper hack, This week, they have
:25:00. > :25:12.permanently discontinued And there was a Guardian Q
:25:13. > :25:17.and the question is, do I need to hand
:25:18. > :25:21.back my Samsung phone? And the answer is,
:25:22. > :25:25.only if it is a Galaxy Note 7. You can tell if it is a Galaxy Note
:25:26. > :25:29.7 because it says on the back Did the person reply,
:25:30. > :25:33.what if I can't read the back So New Scientist did a piece this
:25:34. > :25:39.week on hacking and it was warning about the dangers of toy hacking
:25:40. > :25:41.because Christmas toys have started being advertised and
:25:42. > :25:43.smart toys are a thing. I didn't know about them
:25:44. > :25:46.because I am 30 and I don't Apparently last year,
:25:47. > :26:00.Barbie released a toy that had a thing where a child would press it
:26:01. > :26:03.and talk into it and a microphone would pick it up and transmitted
:26:04. > :26:06.to Mattel, who run Barbie. And then they would recognise
:26:07. > :26:09.the speech and they had an algorithm which worked out the appropriate
:26:10. > :26:11.response to whatever And the warning by New Scientist
:26:12. > :26:15.is that this could be hacked The warning for me would be,
:26:16. > :26:19.that is creepy as hell! I don't know how high
:26:20. > :26:26.on the hacker's priority list the whinings of
:26:27. > :26:27.a five-year-old are! A whole generation of children
:26:28. > :26:33.will grow up. It is about listening in,
:26:34. > :26:36.I do not think they are going to be saying anything
:26:37. > :26:37.particularly revealing. But you say things back
:26:38. > :26:40.out of the Barbie like, And also, can you blackmail
:26:41. > :26:48.them when they are older and say, you shat yourself
:26:49. > :26:55.when you were four? I don't think they have that kind
:26:56. > :27:01.of advanced sand recognition. There was actually a 5-star
:27:02. > :27:03.review of one of these toys which defended it,
:27:04. > :27:05.saying, "Hello Barbie..." Which is what it was called,
:27:06. > :27:08."..is just as risky as Siri and I've told Siri some
:27:09. > :27:10.pretty odd things!" OK, that's it, that's
:27:11. > :27:21.all of our facts. Just time to share with you some
:27:22. > :27:25.of the stories that we didn't have And we are going to start with
:27:26. > :27:29.James. OK, an emergency vehicle in Sweden
:27:30. > :27:33.sent to deal with a cow killed in a collision with a car failed
:27:34. > :27:37.to reach its destination after colliding
:27:38. > :27:42.with another 37 cows! This is from the BBC and it's that
:27:43. > :27:46.an Italian Mafia boss who was on the run from police
:27:47. > :27:49.for five years was finally caught after 50 police searched his home
:27:50. > :27:54.and found him hiding between his bedroom
:27:55. > :27:56.and his bathroom. A secret compartment
:27:57. > :28:00.between the two. This is from the Danish edition
:28:01. > :28:09.of the local newspaper. It is that Danish medical experts
:28:10. > :28:11.have confirmed that grunting while you defecates
:28:12. > :28:15.doesn't help the process. OK, that's all from me,
:28:16. > :28:21.Andy, James and Anna. We've been No Such Thing
:28:22. > :28:26.As The News, goodbye!