:00:00. > :00:00.This programme contains some strong language.
:00:07. > :00:08.Another broom has been mysteriously snapped in half
:00:09. > :00:12.An escaped emu has been recaptured at an Irish
:00:13. > :00:13.pub in Cape Canaveral, Florida.
:00:14. > :00:16.Airport security police on the Greek island of Paphos have
:00:17. > :00:25.And Headline of the Week from the Vancouver Daily Hive:
:00:26. > :00:33.Man Breaks Into Vancouver Home, Strips Naked, Makes Eggs.
:00:34. > :00:35.Which can mean only one thing. No Such Thing As The News
:00:36. > :00:54.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to another episode
:00:55. > :01:04.of No Such Thing As The News coming to you from up the creek in London.
:01:05. > :01:08.I'm sitting here with Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski, James
:01:09. > :01:11.Harkin and this week we will be presenting to you the most
:01:12. > :01:16.interesting stories we found in the news over the last seven days, and
:01:17. > :01:21.in no particular order, here we go. Starting with you, Anna Ptaszynski.
:01:22. > :01:28.This week the Belgian foreign minister's Twitter account tweeted
:01:29. > :01:55.This is what they call you U-turn in diplomacy! This is the Foreign
:01:56. > :01:58.Minister and the story that Belgium has stepped all over a trade deal
:01:59. > :02:05.Canada was trying to draw up with the EU. Somebody hacked into the
:02:06. > :02:12.minister's Twitter account and tweeted this message. Not for a
:02:13. > :02:21.well-informed politically. The Twitter account was down for three
:02:22. > :02:32.hours. Were there any consequences? A war! Wouldn't it be amazing if
:02:33. > :02:39.Belgium and Canada started... It is will only that started the trade
:02:40. > :02:58.deal. I have to apologise, I hadn't heard of them. Well, I have to say,
:02:59. > :03:02.lock new! 35 billion Canadians, say there are 250 people in this room,
:03:03. > :03:08.if we all decided we wanted to go out for waffles but 1.5 people said
:03:09. > :03:15.no, and then none of us got any waffles... It is pretty much that. I
:03:16. > :03:20.have been looking into it a bit and it turns out there is one cow for
:03:21. > :03:26.every three people there, and the average weight of a cow and the
:03:27. > :03:39.Belgian... It turns out that for every three Belgians, 218.5 kg,
:03:40. > :03:49.there are 28 kilograms of cow, so the biomass is only 75% of cow. The
:03:50. > :03:55.biggest city there was voted the ugliest city in the world recently.
:03:56. > :04:00.Locals have taken advantage of this by offering an urban safari, which
:04:01. > :04:07.takes in Belgium's most depressing street, the home of a serial killer,
:04:08. > :04:14.a trip to an abandoned metal factory and the chance to climb a waste coal
:04:15. > :04:20.pile. Good, isn't it? So this whole spat thing is in gas territory and
:04:21. > :04:25.there was another thing this week that happened in French politics.
:04:26. > :04:30.The common question, how much is a pint of milk? To see how in touch
:04:31. > :04:41.politicians are with people. The French equivalent is how much is a
:04:42. > :04:46.pain au chocolat. A minister were -- was asked that this week and he said
:04:47. > :04:55.10 euros cents. It is the equivalent of saying a pint of milk costs 4p.
:04:56. > :05:03.One of the press officers at Ukip used to answer the phone saying,
:05:04. > :05:09.what have we done now? So... In the programme, he said this sentence,
:05:10. > :05:17.the fact is, I'm not a politician. So he is running for the leadership
:05:18. > :05:20.over the last week... And Donald Trump keeps saying, I'm not a
:05:21. > :05:27.politician. So we keep hearing the same sentence. The Governor of New
:05:28. > :05:32.York also said, my father was not a politician, I'm not a politician. He
:05:33. > :05:36.is the Governor of New York. A position his dad held! Back in the
:05:37. > :05:43.1980s! Nobody seems to be admitting to being a politician these days! It
:05:44. > :05:48.would be great if a politician turned up and started fixing
:05:49. > :05:57.something else. 200 quid! I'm not a doctor! I really like this one from
:05:58. > :06:05.a few weeks ago. It was when the iPhone macro 7 came out in China and
:06:06. > :06:11.the slogan is, this is seven. An inspirational slogan, I think you
:06:12. > :06:24.will agree! Seven is pronounced "Sacked" in Cantonese. -- sat. Well
:06:25. > :06:31.done, you! Grew up in Hong Kong! Seven is also slang for penis in
:06:32. > :06:38.Cantonese, so the slogan translated as "This is a penis"! And earlier
:06:39. > :06:44.this year... They should have learned because Samsung, when they
:06:45. > :06:55.released their Galaxy Note 7, which has had enough problems, the slogan
:06:56. > :07:04.translated as a stick of penis! And people are going, locking hell, my
:07:05. > :07:12.penis is on fire! We will have to move on. This is from a critic in
:07:13. > :07:17.the New York Times and he was reviewing the first two episodes of
:07:18. > :07:20.the series Goliath. He said it had a weird split personality and the
:07:21. > :07:24.first episode leaves so much unanswered and then it jumps all the
:07:25. > :07:28.way back and gives a history of the case, and when the second one ends,
:07:29. > :07:36.it hasn't caught up to where it started. The next day they issued a
:07:37. > :07:43.correction saying, the critic watched the first two episodes in
:07:44. > :07:46.the wrong order! That is so good! We need to move on. It is time for fact
:07:47. > :08:04.two. It is my fact. This is a snail and its genitals are
:08:05. > :08:09.the wrong way round. Scientists are looking for a partner for Jeremy
:08:10. > :08:15.because he is a one in a million left-handed snail and he cannot mate
:08:16. > :08:21.with right-handed snails. One thing I notice is that they don't seem to
:08:22. > :08:31.have hands! From this picture. LAUGHTER
:08:32. > :08:40.What they mean is the direction that the shell spirals. Yes. It either
:08:41. > :08:47.grows clockwise or anticlockwise, so anticlockwise snails cannot mate
:08:48. > :08:57.with a snail whose genitals have grown in a clockwise direction. I
:08:58. > :09:02.was just going to say that! There is serious science behind this and
:09:03. > :09:10.there are huge implications. This is a similar thing to what can happen
:09:11. > :09:16.in humans where all your organs are on the other side, and if you are
:09:17. > :09:21.conscious and they try to find your heart on the wrong side, it is a
:09:22. > :09:27.real problem. In weekly Iglesias has it. Normally it is OK but it can be
:09:28. > :09:32.other problems associated with it so they are going to try to mate two
:09:33. > :09:37.lefty snails because they might have the same genes as humans and that
:09:38. > :09:43.might give us an idea of how to deal with this in humans. And are they
:09:44. > :09:56.looking for a mate for end weekly Iglesias? So, just very quickly, I
:09:57. > :10:07.want to say we actually have a celebrity in the audience tonight.
:10:08. > :10:16.Is it Iglesias? Even better! Jeremy Ball snail is with us tonight. He
:10:17. > :10:25.might be sat right next to you. -- Jeromy the snail. Angus, who did the
:10:26. > :10:38.study, is here, and Jeromy is sitting right here. My God! He's
:10:39. > :10:44.handling him! He is going, put me down! Thank you for being here.
:10:45. > :10:49.Thank you for bringing Jeromy. We're not allowed to touch him because
:10:50. > :10:58.insurers why's he is priceless! His shell has just come off. Oh, no,
:10:59. > :11:10.that's two snails... I was like, there goes the series! Ah! Jeromy is
:11:11. > :11:16.on the right and Theresa is on the left. You have had this calling out
:11:17. > :11:25.for a mate to be found for Jeromy for about a week. Anyone sending
:11:26. > :11:30.anything in? Nothing so far... What should people do if they find a
:11:31. > :11:47.left-handed snail? To send me a photo. He will be very, very slowly
:11:48. > :11:52.swiping left! I was looking into how we could get him laid! Because I
:11:53. > :11:58.don't know much about snail sex. But I was hungry to know more! What I
:11:59. > :12:02.discovered is they do amazing things. They will caught each other
:12:03. > :12:09.and then the male snail will shoot a dart from its body, it is called a
:12:10. > :12:14.love dart and is a picture here, and that gets lobbed into the female and
:12:15. > :12:33.that can impregnate her. It's hard to tell how big that is.
:12:34. > :12:41.Proportionately, James, you can only... Come on, guys, this is
:12:42. > :12:51.locker room talk! Sorry, Angus has just put Jeromy in his pocket! You
:12:52. > :12:57.put to reason aim in? Yes. You wouldn't treat him like that! Snails
:12:58. > :13:06.shove their faces up against each other. They both end up impregnated,
:13:07. > :13:09.which is also quite nice. It is a very gender equal society, partly
:13:10. > :13:14.because they are all hermaphrodites. So everybody goes away pregnant. An
:13:15. > :13:18.interesting point to add and how important he is to scientists who
:13:19. > :13:25.are studying him. If they don't find a mate for him soon, they will put
:13:26. > :13:32.him into hibernation... Like Austin Powers? Exactly! Yes! But he will
:13:33. > :13:41.come back and not understanding any of the cultural norms. He will be
:13:42. > :13:48.like, why am I called Jeromy? It will be like a cryogenic chamber
:13:49. > :13:52.where he is frozen... They just pop them in a fridge. We need to move on
:13:53. > :14:00.very shortly. Do you guys have anything? Every year there is a
:14:01. > :14:03.world snail racing championship in Norfolk and they put them on a
:14:04. > :14:07.window at 45 degrees and make them go up and then they tie a bit of
:14:08. > :14:14.Lego to them for weight resistance! That is how they train them. There
:14:15. > :14:17.was a report on this year's competition and the defending
:14:18. > :14:21.champion George had died a day before the competition and his owner
:14:22. > :14:25.said, he died yesterday. We left my mum and dad looking after George
:14:26. > :14:33.when we went on holiday. When we came back, he was dead. I don't
:14:34. > :14:37.blame mum and dad. Not really! I need to move us on. Angus and Jeromy
:14:38. > :14:43.have a train to get back to Nottingham, so, ladies and
:14:44. > :14:56.gentlemen, Angus and Jeromy! We are halfway through the show, and
:14:57. > :15:00.it is time to look at the stories you sent us by e-mail and social
:15:01. > :15:08.media, starting with Andy. The fact is that the German city of Ulm is
:15:09. > :15:10.desperate to stop men year and eating on its church because they
:15:11. > :15:27.are eroding the sandstone base. James Watt have you got? Nicola on
:15:28. > :15:30.Twitter says that Bristol Zoo's psychic raccoon has predict the
:15:31. > :15:41.winner of the Great British Bake Off. Rocky the raccoon went against
:15:42. > :15:47.what the bookies say, and he said Candice would win. At early in the
:15:48. > :15:52.summer, he predict -- correctly predicted the winner of the European
:15:53. > :15:56.Championships. This is about how Donald Trump has a record of filing
:15:57. > :16:00.lawsuits to punish and silence his critics, and that is the fact that a
:16:01. > :16:05.amity of media lawyers at the American bar Association has
:16:06. > :16:11.commissioned a report on his litigation history.
:16:12. > :16:32.Time to move on our third fact of the show: If you have $7,500 to
:16:33. > :16:40.spend and you want to attack a country, it you can buy cyber army
:16:41. > :16:51.of fridges, or a single Tornado jet fighter for eight minutes. Explained
:16:52. > :16:56.fridges? This week, the Internet went down for a lot of sites, they
:16:57. > :16:59.were taken down by an army of digital video recorders and CCTV
:17:00. > :17:02.cameras and also fridges and loads of things that were attached to the
:17:03. > :17:07.Internet that you wouldn't think would be able to do this kind of
:17:08. > :17:10.thing. What has happened is there was a virus on the Internet which
:17:11. > :17:14.got into all of these objects and sent a massive amount of traffic to
:17:15. > :17:18.a certain website and it just took down all of the Internet, and if you
:17:19. > :17:33.go online, you can buy a load of these pop for 7500 owners -- bots.
:17:34. > :17:39.Tabak two, distributed denial of service, is where you fire a load of
:17:40. > :17:42.information into a website, and it destroys it, eat it is kind of like
:17:43. > :17:47.when everyone is trying to get Glastonbury tickets. The record was
:17:48. > :17:51.set for the most questions to take down a site, and it was a terabyte
:17:52. > :17:55.of information every second. So imagine you were watching question
:17:56. > :18:05.Time, 16 billion questions being asked every second. Can you imagine
:18:06. > :18:12.David Dimbleby trying to shush 16 billion people? I went to the site
:18:13. > :18:27.where they tell you about buying the bots, and you can get 50,004 $4600.
:18:28. > :18:35.Did you decide to take down the Mock the week website? Hewlett Packard
:18:36. > :18:42.looked at this, the security is ropey these smart apps, things like
:18:43. > :18:48.cat flaps that text you when your cat comes in, smart toothbrushes,
:18:49. > :18:51.but the passwords are all built on automatically, and they are really
:18:52. > :18:54.easy to get into, so you can then get this army of fridges and
:18:55. > :19:02.toothbrushes and cat flap. Your fridge can attack your phone. And so
:19:03. > :19:05.Hewlett Packard found that 60% of these Internet devices are
:19:06. > :19:12.vulnerable in some way. A couple of guys recently had a big Las Vegas
:19:13. > :19:18.conference on hacking. They showed that you could use someone's
:19:19. > :19:24.thermostat, so they could lock onto 99 degrees in the only way you could
:19:25. > :19:34.unlock it was to pay them $300 in bitcoin, so you could be held to
:19:35. > :19:44.ransom to buy your own thermostat. Would you like to see an early
:19:45. > :19:51.Internet of things? This is a technology guy, so that the toaster
:19:52. > :19:54.treats you. This is an early example of household objects with Internet
:19:55. > :19:58.connectivity, but at the moment, Mark Durkan Berg is trying to train
:19:59. > :20:03.his toaster to work out when he will want toast. So rather than just put
:20:04. > :20:08.the toast in the toaster like the rest of us, he says the real
:20:09. > :20:13.question, the challenging problem is when to make me toast, so he built
:20:14. > :20:19.this whole thing which figures out where he is, when is the right time
:20:20. > :20:26.to make toast, and call me. I wonder if mark Zuckerberg's career is going
:20:27. > :20:33.as well as it used to! There is another cool artificial
:20:34. > :20:35.intelligence thing, a Donald Trump website, a chat bot which is
:20:36. > :20:43.learning from Donald Trump how to get along with people. It writes
:20:44. > :20:45.these incredible sentences, which actually don't sound very far from
:20:46. > :20:55.him: I want to thank the volunteers. They
:20:56. > :21:00.have been unbelievable. They worked endlessly. They don't want to die.
:21:01. > :21:05.My plan for the GDP is number one, believe me, but Isis wants to kill
:21:06. > :21:11.us over our trade deals. It has got the idea! My favourite Arnold Trump
:21:12. > :21:17.Internet find of the week. He has been suggesting he might not accept
:21:18. > :21:20.the presidential election vote when it finally comes out, and a lot of
:21:21. > :21:25.people have been suggesting that he has in the back rant that if he does
:21:26. > :21:29.lose, he will launch Trump TV, a big new channel he will launch, so
:21:30. > :21:34.everyone has been trying to sniff around to see if there is any truth
:21:35. > :21:38.to Trump TV, so everyone heads to Trump dot TV, the obvious domain
:21:39. > :21:47.name, but if you go there, you are met by this.
:21:48. > :21:55.He wasn't even organised to purchase this domain at public auction, and
:21:56. > :22:02.he wants to run the USA! Isn't that wonderful?
:22:03. > :22:08.We are going to move on now to our final fact of the show, and that is:
:22:09. > :22:12.Three quarters of people in this room are criminals.
:22:13. > :22:25.We got you! We have got the place surrounded. This is a new poll by
:22:26. > :22:29.your YouGov which says that 74% of people have done at least one of
:22:30. > :22:35.these things: Paying someone cash in hand even though you think they
:22:36. > :22:39.probably won't pay tax on it. Illegally streaming TV show. Telling
:22:40. > :22:50.people your food order is to take away and then eating it in. But
:22:51. > :22:54.don't you live in constant fear that the waiter will come over and say
:22:55. > :23:04.you order the takeaway, go away. I feel like James Bond every time!
:23:05. > :23:07.Some people have taken a plastic bag at a supermarket without paying for
:23:08. > :23:14.it, some have taken a piece of loose fruit or pick and mix without
:23:15. > :23:22.paying. It could be 74% of people are criminals, or 26% are liars!
:23:23. > :23:27.What are the consequences of... Admitting to what you just openly
:23:28. > :23:33.admitted to an television? Sevilla! Does it accumulate to being a bigger
:23:34. > :23:40.crime if you did it lots? Yes, they would get you. One of the things is
:23:41. > :23:49.that putting stuff through a self-service scanner as something
:23:50. > :23:58.else. So you scan something cheap and put in the vodka or whatever.
:23:59. > :24:03.Yes, and in 2013, a community worker was given community service for
:24:04. > :24:07.scanning loose groceries and putting them through as onions. It is weird,
:24:08. > :24:13.he buys lots but his breath smells fine! He finally got caught where he
:24:14. > :24:16.went to one shop and put everything through as loose onions, and they
:24:17. > :24:21.didn't sell loose onions. Did you see the person recently who got
:24:22. > :24:28.caught shoplifting by someone on Google Street view? This was earlier
:24:29. > :24:33.this month, and there was an IT worker called Peter Darby who was
:24:34. > :24:39.browsing Google Street view, and we have the picture. This is what he
:24:40. > :24:45.saw when he was browsing, and then he wandered down the street, as you
:24:46. > :24:51.do, and he saw this next picture, and then this next one, and when he
:24:52. > :24:55.saw her running further and further away, and she didn't get caught,
:24:56. > :25:00.which implies it was a half-hearted attempt by that guy, and he called
:25:01. > :25:07.the police and reported it. She was caught and prosecuted for stealing
:25:08. > :25:19.?60 worth of... Onions! Loose onions. So, this was based on a
:25:20. > :25:23.YouGov server, wasn't it? And I was looking at surveys that have been
:25:24. > :25:28.done, and a few of them I really liked, one is that most people think
:25:29. > :25:34.that none of 2016's Turner prize entries are actually art, and the
:25:35. > :25:42.most Brexit of the supermarkets is Iceland. It is a very particular
:25:43. > :25:45.branch of Iceland, isn't it? They realise that of all the
:25:46. > :25:49.supermarkets, if you vote Brexit, you're more likely to go to Iceland,
:25:50. > :25:52.and they also that against where people mostly vote, and they found
:25:53. > :25:58.the particular one in Boston in Lincolnshire. That is it. That is
:25:59. > :26:03.the most Brexit supermarket in Britain. I have one more survey
:26:04. > :26:07.about what British people do. This was a survey by Enterprise
:26:08. > :26:12.Rent-A-Car which said that 15% of people admitted they had eaten a
:26:13. > :26:16.meal behind the wheel of a car, a moving car, and 4% said they got
:26:17. > :26:22.amorous while cruising along in the car. But in France, 46% of drivers
:26:23. > :26:24.said they ate behind the wheel of a car, and five times more Spanish
:26:25. > :26:32.people than British people were getting amorous. Moving car? Moving
:26:33. > :26:37.car. The car move for you? We need to wrap up shortly. You have
:26:38. > :26:41.nothing before we do? If you want to keep the law, a recycling company
:26:42. > :26:45.did do a survey of things you can use instead of buying a plastic bag
:26:46. > :26:48.at the supermarket, and the interviewed people who gave their
:26:49. > :26:53.suggestions of what you can use instead, so here are a few. A pair
:26:54. > :26:57.of trousers tied up at the ankles. They were in the back of the car,
:26:58. > :27:01.they saved me 20p on bags, and hardly anybody laughed at me.
:27:02. > :27:07.Dog poo bag. I always have a few in my pocket, and they hold more than
:27:08. > :27:20.you expect. Your children's arms. I have got
:27:21. > :27:26.four, and they have two good are the beach. They are not keen on the
:27:27. > :27:29.frozen stuff. That's it, that's all of our fact! Just time for us to
:27:30. > :27:32.share with you some of the stories that we didn't have time to get to
:27:33. > :27:38.during our show, and we will start with James. After seven months of
:27:39. > :27:43.travel, the European Space Agency's Mars Lander crashed into the surface
:27:44. > :27:51.of Mars at over 300 kilometres per hour, exploding an impact. The ESA
:27:52. > :27:58.have declared the mission a success. Anna? This is from the Independent,
:27:59. > :28:05.and this is that this week, during a debate in Kurdistan's Parliament, it
:28:06. > :28:12.emerged that nobly in the country knows where the Constitution is.
:28:13. > :28:17.This is from the Palm Beach Post, and it is but a drunken Wisconsin
:28:18. > :28:24.woman has been freed on bail after using peanut butter to smear 30 cars
:28:25. > :28:27.with obscene graffiti and phallic symbols at a conservation group
:28:28. > :28:34.meeting she mistook for a Donald Trump rally.
:28:35. > :28:39.APPLAUSE OK, that's all from me, Andy, James
:28:40. > :28:44.and Anna. We will be back again next week. We
:28:45. > :28:53.have been No Such Thing As The News, goodbye!
:28:54. > :29:00.And if you are a left-handed mollusc looking for love, please contact Dan
:29:01. > :29:03.Schreiber by snail mail. Good night! Bye-bye.