:00:00. > :00:07.A Glasgow man has been jailed for attempted robbery after he ran
:00:08. > :00:11.into a shop waving a sword and was chased out by a woman armed
:00:12. > :00:15.Danish firefighters have used a battering ram to break
:00:16. > :00:17.into a house and rescue a man who had become trapped
:00:18. > :00:22.A woman in Houston, Texas with 26-inch-long fingernails
:00:23. > :00:24.has said she hopes to break the world record.
:00:25. > :00:32.It currently stands at 28 feet four-and-a-half inches.
:00:33. > :00:34.And the deputy leader of South Lanarkshire Council,
:00:35. > :00:36.who oversaw the closure of all the public toilets
:00:37. > :00:53.in the area, has been fined for urinating in the street.
:00:54. > :01:17.Hello! And welcome to another episode of No Such Thing As The
:01:18. > :01:26.News, coming you from up the creek in Greenwich, London.
:01:27. > :01:37.Once again, we are here to present to you the most interesting stories
:01:38. > :01:42.we found in the news of the last seven days. In no particular order,
:01:43. > :01:49.here we go, starting with you, Andrew Hunter Murray. My charge is
:01:50. > :01:53.that before he was Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond was a used
:01:54. > :02:00.car salesman. Immediately before he was Chancellor... , not immediately
:02:01. > :02:03.before, it was some years before he became the second most important
:02:04. > :02:11.politician in the country. After Nigel Farage. So, he had a nod of
:02:12. > :02:15.business scheme as a young man. He was really entrepreneurial and he
:02:16. > :02:19.set up loads of companies, and one of them was buying and selling Ford
:02:20. > :02:25.cars from Dagenham, which I think makes him a used car salesman. He
:02:26. > :02:35.ran discos for teenagers, he tried... That's pretty cool! That
:02:36. > :02:41.was when he was a teenager, wasn't it one he was a Goth, wasn't he?
:02:42. > :02:43.According to Richard Madeley. He went to school with Richard Madeley,
:02:44. > :02:50.and somebody asked Richard what he was like and he said, was a Goth. He
:02:51. > :02:55.wore a long trench coat. The Times researched, said, in fact, Mr
:02:56. > :02:58.Hammond left Sheffield technical high school seven years before the
:02:59. > :03:03.popularity of the Goth look. So he was a trendsetter? So, Philip
:03:04. > :03:07.Hammond is in the news this week because of the Autumn Statement,
:03:08. > :03:14.which is kind of like a budget like. Like the mini me, the Dr evil of the
:03:15. > :03:18.budget! Exactly. We have got some pictures in from the Treasury to so
:03:19. > :03:21.how amazingly dynamic that is, what they're doing there at the moment.
:03:22. > :03:27.This is Philip Hammond, there he is...
:03:28. > :03:39.I would say that these pictures appear to me to be pictures of a cup
:03:40. > :03:43.with an incidental Chancellor in the background. There was an article
:03:44. > :03:47.about him in the Financial Times soon after he became Chancellor, and
:03:48. > :03:50.they said he has such a sobering public image that he is often
:03:51. > :03:54.recurred to as an accountant, despite having no accounting
:03:55. > :03:59.qualification. Which is tough! A colleague of his allegedly Wunsch
:04:00. > :04:09.suggested going for a drink, and he just replied, why? So, the idea that
:04:10. > :04:12.he was a used car salesman, I suddenly thought, a lot of these MPs
:04:13. > :04:19.must have had jobs prior to being an MP. Amber Rudd, for example, worked
:04:20. > :04:27.on Four Weddings And A Funeral, the movie. She was credited as
:04:28. > :04:33.aristocracy coordinator. How far she has come! The only other person I
:04:34. > :04:37.could see who had a genuine movie credit was George Osborne, and he
:04:38. > :04:45.has a thank you credit in the Star Wars movie Perforce Awakens for
:04:46. > :04:51.inspiring the evil! I think he provided a kind of tax to
:04:52. > :04:56.international film-makers, and, Disney and Lucas films were like,
:04:57. > :05:01.thanks, buddy! And they filmed it over here as a result. The Autumn
:05:02. > :05:05.Statement is like the micro-budget, basically, and I don't know if he
:05:06. > :05:09.can do this in the Autumn Statement, but during the budget, there's one
:05:10. > :05:15.thing he can do, which is an alcohol. Your allowed to do it for
:05:16. > :05:18.some reason, because he has to talk for ages, basically. Most of them
:05:19. > :05:23.drink mineral water. Boring. The Liskeard had whiskey, and if you go
:05:24. > :05:26.a bit further back, Benjamin Disraeli had brandy. And Gladstone
:05:27. > :05:32.had this weird bottle and people said, what is in the bottle? It
:05:33. > :05:38.turned out it was Sherry and beaten egg. But he did 12 budgets. Yes, but
:05:39. > :05:44.what were they like?! The longest ever uninterrupted budget speech was
:05:45. > :05:49.William Gladstone, at four hours 45 minutes, uninterrupted. And they're
:05:50. > :05:54.not scintillating at the best of times! , if we leave the year we
:05:55. > :06:02.will be able to drink champagne in pants again. Like you ever stop to!
:06:03. > :06:07.That I have been having to do it on the slide! -- you ever stopped! They
:06:08. > :06:12.announced they are going to bring that back as soon as they are
:06:13. > :06:17.allowed to. It was Churchill's favourite and Queen Victoria's as
:06:18. > :06:23.well, I think. Churchill said, half a bottle is insufficient to tease my
:06:24. > :06:28.brains but an imperial pint is an ideal size for a man like me. It is
:06:29. > :06:32.enough for two at lunch and one at dinner. So obviously, the Autumn
:06:33. > :06:39.Statement has been delivered and we now know that the internet broadband
:06:40. > :06:43.speed is going to be put right up, and they're can spend ?1 billion on
:06:44. > :06:47.gold standard broadband. There is a place which has the lowest in the
:06:48. > :06:52.country, and it's insane. They have a top speed of 1.3 megabits per
:06:53. > :07:00.second. And to put that into context... No, don't, we all know
:07:01. > :07:05.what that means! If you're at base camp in Mount Everest, you can get 2
:07:06. > :07:12.megabits per second. Well, you are a lot higher up! On the moon, you can
:07:13. > :07:17.get 20 megabits per second. What?! And someone tried to download a
:07:18. > :07:23.James Bond movie and it took five days. You know what that means? It
:07:24. > :07:26.means that if you wanted to get it quicker, in theory, you could take a
:07:27. > :07:33.plane to Kaz extends, and flight to the moon, which takes three days,
:07:34. > :07:36.land and download that Bond movie faster than you could have done in
:07:37. > :07:43.this place. In theory. That's missing out like years of training
:07:44. > :07:46.to be an astronaut. So, Hammond has got in a bit of trouble with his
:07:47. > :07:49.fellow cabinet members for being slightly negative about Brexit,
:07:50. > :07:55.would you say? What did he say? He said... We're all going to die! Flee
:07:56. > :07:59.to our second homes in Monaco, fellow Tories!
:08:00. > :08:10.I think he said there was going to be a ?100 billion hole in the
:08:11. > :08:13.budget. And I thought I would look at some of the other things which
:08:14. > :08:18.have been affected by Brexit. Problems with Marmite. And another
:08:19. > :08:23.bit of Marmite news this week is that Marmite's chief taster has
:08:24. > :08:33.retired. Revealing, he actually hated it! He has been doing the job
:08:34. > :08:37.for 42 years and he says he has sampled the equivalent of 206 to 4
:08:38. > :08:41.billion jars of Marmite. He says, having retired, even though he will
:08:42. > :08:45.not eat it every day, he will still eat it when he feels like it which
:08:46. > :08:51.is quite often. It is time for factor number two. And that is...
:08:52. > :08:57.It's time to move on to our second fact of the show. And it is. My fact
:08:58. > :09:02.this week is that Oxford Dictionaries' word of the year is
:09:03. > :09:09.actually two words, post-truth. Only seven out of their 13 Words of the
:09:10. > :09:15.Year have in fact been one word. Is in the dictionary is lying to us!
:09:16. > :09:20.So, this is the news this week. The word of the year is post-truth, a
:09:21. > :09:26.reference to the fact that truth does not exist any more choice so,
:09:27. > :09:31.they have had a Word of the Year going since 2004. Since then it has
:09:32. > :09:35.been a big society, squeezed middle... The first one was carbon
:09:36. > :09:42.foot went, they have also had credit crunch, then they had, simples,
:09:43. > :09:46.omnishambles, selfie and last year, it was emoji, which you might
:09:47. > :09:51.remember. Which we could not actually afford to get a picture of.
:09:52. > :09:58.I wish I could tell you how I feel about that! I guess they're just
:09:59. > :10:04.trying to represent what the mood of the country is. The word of this
:10:05. > :10:09.year is Brexit. They say it was first recorded in 2013, and has
:10:10. > :10:16.increased by more than 3400% this year. Which is the inflation rate
:10:17. > :10:20.next year! They said that it is even more useful as a word down Watergate
:10:21. > :10:33.because of all the different types of new words like Bremain, Bremorce
:10:34. > :10:39.and others. Do you know when is the first use of the word post-truth?
:10:40. > :10:43.So, it came in a US presidential scandal. It was the Iran
:10:44. > :10:55.ultra-scandal, where Ronald Reagan denied that the US was trading guns
:10:56. > :11:00.for hostages -- Contra scandal -- and even though the American people
:11:01. > :11:05.knew he was lying, they did not really care because the outcome was
:11:06. > :11:09.more important than the truth. There was a study done in June by Columbia
:11:10. > :11:14.university at the French national Institute about the way that fake
:11:15. > :11:18.news spreads online choice they found out that 59% of links which
:11:19. > :11:22.people share on social media have never been clicked on. So people are
:11:23. > :11:26.more willing to share an article than they are to read the article
:11:27. > :11:34.before they share it choice so, stop it. Other newspapers are now having
:11:35. > :11:41.to deny that certain newspapers exist. So, the Denver Post in the
:11:42. > :11:45.last couple of weeks had to write an article the headline of which was,
:11:46. > :11:51.the Denver Guardian is not a newspaper, these stop believing it.
:11:52. > :11:56.It was the one which had the story that an FBI agent suspected in the
:11:57. > :11:59.Hillary e-mail leaks have been found dead in his apartment. Lots of
:12:00. > :12:04.people shared it, and it was not true. In Baltimore they have had to
:12:05. > :12:09.say that the Baltimore Gazette has not existed since the 1860s. Please
:12:10. > :12:14.stop reading it! Because all the articles are way out of date! They
:12:15. > :12:18.did this big expose on a couple of weeks ago, and they found out that
:12:19. > :12:23.the top 20 fake news stories in the three months after the election had
:12:24. > :12:30.8.7 million shares or or whatever it is called. And the top 20 real news
:12:31. > :12:35.stories had only had 7.4 million, so fake news stories were getting more
:12:36. > :12:39.shares than real news stories. A lot of people are spreading them but
:12:40. > :12:43.doing it not in a manipulative way, they just think it is genuinely
:12:44. > :12:52.news. The New York Times did a story on a guy called Mr Tettey. He sent
:12:53. > :12:56.out this... -- Mr Clarke. And so you took this photo and use all of these
:12:57. > :13:00.buses. It turned out that he was walking by and he saw these buses,
:13:01. > :13:04.and he thought, this was where the protests are, I wonder if this was
:13:05. > :13:08.to do with the protests. He said he did a quick Google and he said he
:13:09. > :13:13.could not find that there were any conferences in the area. There was,
:13:14. > :13:16.there was one with 13,000 people, a software conference, in the area,
:13:17. > :13:21.and that is what the buses were for. This guy just sent it out and it
:13:22. > :13:25.went viral and got picked up by major news outlets. He was really
:13:26. > :13:29.apologetic because he did not know. He knew that there might be another
:13:30. > :13:33.explanation but he said, I'm also a very busy businessman and I do not
:13:34. > :13:39.have time to fact check everything I put out! We need to move on.
:13:40. > :13:43.Anything first? What you were saying about dictionaries reflecting
:13:44. > :13:49.changing times - in Australia, the Australian national dictionary, they
:13:50. > :13:54.added a raft of new words in August. And they were quite relevant,
:13:55. > :13:58.because there were for example aborigine words which had not been
:13:59. > :14:11.in there before, and also, the terms. So, they added, happy as a
:14:12. > :14:17.bastard on Father's Day. And also, my personal favourite, dry as a dead
:14:18. > :14:27.dingo's donger! Have way through the shore, time to
:14:28. > :14:34.look at the stories you have sent to us through e-mail and social media.
:14:35. > :14:39.This came from Joshua on Twitter, Australian police investigating a
:14:40. > :14:46.break-in at a community hall dusted for fingerprints but found only a
:14:47. > :14:53.bomb print on the glass door. Could have had to huge fingers? James?
:14:54. > :15:10.Mine is from Angelina. And that was sent to your direct
:15:11. > :15:17.account wasn't it? Apparently only 100 cases have been documented since
:15:18. > :15:41.1973. I am now a medical curiosity. And Andy? This was sent in from JC.
:15:42. > :15:50.OK, time to move on to fact a number three, that is James. My fact that
:15:51. > :15:53.this week a satellite was launched which carries the most advanced
:15:54. > :15:58.weather predicting system in history. It should have gone up
:15:59. > :16:01.three weeks ago but was delayed due to unforeseen weather conditions.
:16:02. > :16:09.LAUGHTER This is incredible, it's something
:16:10. > :16:14.called the due stationary environmental satellite and it will
:16:15. > :16:19.make weather forecasting better overnight. Literally. The way it
:16:20. > :16:25.scans things is ten times better, it can scan have the Earth every 15
:16:26. > :16:29.minutes, in severe weather it will be able to go in and scan it every
:16:30. > :16:33.30 seconds which we cannot do at the moment. It will give us real-time
:16:34. > :16:37.weather and might save lives because we'll be able to give people more
:16:38. > :16:41.time when there are tornadoes are hurricanes are anything like that.
:16:42. > :16:46.One of the most incredible science stories. I had the comparison, if
:16:47. > :16:54.the current system is like watching a black and white movie with no
:16:55. > :16:57.sound, this is a Blu-ray DVD. That mean it will be supplanted by
:16:58. > :17:04.superior technology in about six months? When is the Netflix
:17:05. > :17:07.satellite coming? The first thing which got me excited about this was
:17:08. > :17:13.the fact it's going to be able to steer planes away from turbulence so
:17:14. > :17:16.it is able to measure the waves within clouds, it beams images
:17:17. > :17:20.through clouds and sees what weeds are inside them and can tell planes
:17:21. > :17:25.to avoid turbulence which is great news. The weather event which
:17:26. > :17:29.stopped the original satellite growing up was Hurricane Matthew and
:17:30. > :17:33.we have a picture of it. Look at that! That is a picture of Hurricane
:17:34. > :17:38.Matthew. If we can take pictures like that I am not sure we need
:17:39. > :17:42.their satellite. There was footage and package this week of the clean
:17:43. > :17:44.room which is what they call the completely pristine environment they
:17:45. > :17:49.have to keep the satellite and before it goes up. Some of the
:17:50. > :17:53.instruments are so sensitive that the contamination limit, even after
:17:54. > :17:56.15 years orbiting, there cannot be a single layer of molecules on the
:17:57. > :18:03.surface of the instruments otherwise they will not work. That is how
:18:04. > :18:08.cleanly had to keep it. But when it goes up want stuff get on it? I
:18:09. > :18:13.think they keep it off it as it goes up. I hope they have bought it
:18:14. > :18:18.through. Turns out they just wrapped it to the rocket and it has
:18:19. > :18:21.disintegrated! One embarrassing thing which could happen to all
:18:22. > :18:25.satellite is the case law affect which is when two bits of detritus
:18:26. > :18:29.in space collide and break into little pieces and those pieces crash
:18:30. > :18:37.into other things and it's like a chain reaction, we are in danger of
:18:38. > :18:42.that. China tested and anti-satellite device in 2007 to
:18:43. > :18:47.check it worked and eight told us only after they had sent it up. It
:18:48. > :18:50.broke up into hundreds of thousands of little pieces which are still
:18:51. > :18:54.rotating around the Earth and we had to track all of them. There are all
:18:55. > :18:59.sorts of bits of detritus around the world spinning around and they could
:19:00. > :19:03.crash into one another. If they do it could block out space from
:19:04. > :19:12.everyone. You are not allowed to do in space and that is one of the
:19:13. > :19:23.reasons why -- you not allowed to to in space. They are up there for
:19:24. > :19:31.weeks! They just take Imodium. I have got a video... Video created by
:19:32. > :19:39.the US Naval research laboratory and it's the cloud of debris
:19:40. > :19:46.disintegrating satellites. This is the area which could be contaminated
:19:47. > :19:53.by debris. It goes, a few more rotations and then we cut to about
:19:54. > :19:59.later, yeah. I know. It looks really nice doesn't it? We need to move on
:20:00. > :20:02.soon. Can I just show you, this fact about the weather initially, and
:20:03. > :20:07.there has been a lot of flooding this week so I was looking at how we
:20:08. > :20:17.can stop flood damage and we have a video of this amazing product, I UK
:20:18. > :20:23.company called tarmac created top mix which is permeable concrete.
:20:24. > :20:29.Where is the water going? What is happening to it? It just sucks up
:20:30. > :20:33.the water. It is able to drink a thousand litres of water per square
:20:34. > :20:38.metre in one minute. If we use that then all the water disappears into
:20:39. > :20:46.the tarmac and we are all fine. It has drawbacks, it is a bit weaker.
:20:47. > :20:54.If you drop your drink... Do you normally skip it back up? You should
:20:55. > :21:01.see me in a car park! OK, time to move on to the final fact, which is
:21:02. > :21:05.mine. As part of the Buckingham Palace refurbishment, the Queen will
:21:06. > :21:14.start using her leftover food to power boilers. Does that mean she
:21:15. > :21:17.has to choose between being too cold or too hungry? This is the fact that
:21:18. > :21:25.this week they have decided they will renovate Buckingham Palace is
:21:26. > :21:31.that right? Yeah, it will cost three and ?69 million. Builders these
:21:32. > :21:42.days! And that will only be the court! 78 bathrooms, 5000 light
:21:43. > :21:46.fittings, 330 fuse boxes, 20 miles of skirting board, 20 miles of
:21:47. > :21:53.heating pipework, there is a lot to do. 20 miles would take you all the
:21:54. > :21:58.way to Windsor Castle, skirting board all the way to Windsor Castle.
:21:59. > :22:03.The fact the Queen is managing to heed her house with her leftover
:22:04. > :22:07.food, this is an anaerobic digestible unit which is in the
:22:08. > :22:11.plans for the Buckingham Palace refurbishment, it said they will
:22:12. > :22:14.build that unit and what it does is it breaks down organic matter so
:22:15. > :22:18.food in this case but it can be sewage and things like that but I
:22:19. > :22:21.could not for the life of me find any evidence they were going to use
:22:22. > :22:30.the Queen 's sewage to power the house. The Queen doesn't make any
:22:31. > :22:35.sewage! It's a reaction which happens without oxygen and produces
:22:36. > :22:38.a biogas which is 60% methane and 40% carbon dioxide which can be
:22:39. > :22:46.burned and it heats the house, the boiler. The staff who work there are
:22:47. > :22:50.also live they are so, it has a cashpoint, it has a post office and
:22:51. > :22:54.a cinema, a helipad and the other thing it has is a store of soda
:22:55. > :22:59.water and blotting paper for when the cordless p on the floor. I have
:23:00. > :23:09.read a couple of accounts which say they have the run of the place --
:23:10. > :23:13.when the corgi's P on the floor. It is in dire need of repair, it is
:23:14. > :23:17.always hot, the radiators don't operate individually and most of the
:23:18. > :23:20.knobs have broken so there are rooms and Buckingham Palace which are
:23:21. > :23:26.never entered but are always very hot. It's also not very efficient,
:23:27. > :23:31.it topped the list a few years ago of the most environmentally damaging
:23:32. > :23:35.building in London. They said it was the least energy-efficient home in
:23:36. > :23:40.the whole of the UK. I have a thermal image, that is how much is
:23:41. > :23:44.escaping. You can see the super hot rooms on the left-hand side. This
:23:45. > :23:48.group said that effectively for London its central heating radiator
:23:49. > :23:53.it gives off that much heat. She has to switch bedrooms for the move,
:23:54. > :23:57.this is a compromise essentially, it could have been that the whole Royal
:23:58. > :24:00.family moved out and they did their refurbishment and a shorter out of
:24:01. > :24:04.time or they did not move them and they took longer and they have gone
:24:05. > :24:07.for the latter but the Queen has to move out of her bedroom which I
:24:08. > :24:13.would be kicking up a Royal fuss about. Another building which is
:24:14. > :24:22.quite energy inefficient is Trump Tower. Trump Tower has an energy use
:24:23. > :24:26.intensity score of 216. Any score over 206 places the building in the
:24:27. > :24:31.90th percentile of the worst pollution emitters of any multi
:24:32. > :24:35.family residential building. Good thing global warming isn't real!
:24:36. > :24:41.There is a lot of talk about Donald Trump having to visit the Queen at
:24:42. > :24:48.some point, will she extend an invitation, Trump's mother was a big
:24:49. > :24:55.fan of the Queen. Great Queen. Great Queen. The best Queen. His mother
:24:56. > :25:00.really like the Queen and so I was looking into, or Balmer visited the
:25:01. > :25:04.Queen and apparently the detail the Queen goes into making sure they
:25:05. > :25:08.have an amazing trip, President Obama and Michelle Obama apparently
:25:09. > :25:13.reported that when they got there even the detail of the toilet paper
:25:14. > :25:20.they for a fair in terms of thickness and colour and texture.
:25:21. > :25:24.Where is that written down? Going through his speeches? Can we go back
:25:25. > :25:33.to that picture? Are they at a key party, are they about to go home
:25:34. > :25:39.with each other's spouse? LAUGHTER Prince Philip looks very happy about
:25:40. > :25:43.it! I hope you like open windows! We need to wrap up in a second. One
:25:44. > :25:46.thing, there is another building which will be renovated which is the
:25:47. > :25:50.houses of parliament and the repairs will be billions of pounds because
:25:51. > :25:53.it's enormous so there have been loads of proposals. Some people have
:25:54. > :26:00.suggested this massive floating bubble on the surface of the
:26:01. > :26:06.Thames... Instead of the Houses of Parliament? It's a temporary thing,
:26:07. > :26:14.once it is finished you can it and it floats away to other democracies.
:26:15. > :26:18.If you look at the picture, the Tower of Big Ben, at the other end
:26:19. > :26:24.is the Victoria Tower. I did not know what was in there but they have
:26:25. > :26:30.every act of Parliament and it's all written on calfskin because it keeps
:26:31. > :26:34.for hundreds of years. The longest scrawl is from 1721 and it attacks
:26:35. > :26:44.act and it is longer than the Houses of Parliament itself. -- it is a tax
:26:45. > :26:49.act. On this refurbishment they have decided now where MPs are going to
:26:50. > :26:52.live and sadly it's not in a futuristic bubble. They are going to
:26:53. > :26:57.have to move to the Department of Health which is Richmond house and
:26:58. > :27:01.Richmond house is least in an Islamic bond scheme, that is one of
:27:02. > :27:05.the details of how the party is leased and because it is an Islamic
:27:06. > :27:10.bond scheme anything which happens their forbids the sale of alcohol so
:27:11. > :27:14.all MPs for six years will be living in a place that forbids the sale of
:27:15. > :27:20.alcohol. They currently live in a place which has ten bars. When they
:27:21. > :27:27.realise this might be the case the proposed that they nationalise the
:27:28. > :27:32.red Lion pub which they all go to. They said make sure it is ours and
:27:33. > :27:40.the red Lion pub 's owners, Fullers, have said no, sorry. OK, that is all
:27:41. > :27:45.of artefacts, just time to share some of the stories we didn't have
:27:46. > :27:49.time to get to, starting with you James. Mine is that this week the
:27:50. > :27:56.favourite to become next president of France announced he not Hillary
:27:57. > :28:04.Clinton. His lead in the polls subsequently plummeted and he ended
:28:05. > :28:08.up coming second. Andy? This is that people in an online charity auction
:28:09. > :28:13.have bid up to ?500 for a signed pair of Jeremy Corbyn's old shoes.
:28:14. > :28:23.There is a left one and then a far left one! APPLAUSE
:28:24. > :28:26.OK, that visit, that is all from us, we will be back next week, this has
:28:27. > :28:33.No Such Thing As The News, goodbye. "Woman 'Entered By a Horse Spirit'
:28:34. > :28:38.Gallops on All Fours Who knows where
:28:39. > :28:55.it's going to take me? Maybe I'm related
:28:56. > :28:59.to a few criminals. Wow!