0:00:05 > 0:00:07Looks simple enough.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13MUSIC: Step Into Christmas by Elton John
0:00:33 > 0:00:34I hate Christmas.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40# We're not going out
0:00:40 > 0:00:42# Not staying in
0:00:42 > 0:00:44# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:00:44 > 0:00:48# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:00:48 > 0:00:50# We're not going out
0:00:50 > 0:00:53# We are not going out. #
0:00:55 > 0:00:57KNOCK AT DOOR
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- Oh! - Sorry, Lucy,
0:01:06 > 0:01:08just wanted to drop off a few small presents for the children.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12- We won't stay. We know it's a madhouse.- Well, it is Christmas Eve.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Yes, there's that, too.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Right. Well, um, our lot are in the garden, Jack,
0:01:17 > 0:01:18if you wanna say hello.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- Remember, play nicely or Father Christmas won't come.- Yes, Mummy.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I love this time of year. You can threaten children so effectively.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29So, what are your plans for tomorrow?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32We're having a quiet family Christmas.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35It's just gonna be the three of us...at home...
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Together.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38All day.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- Do you wanna pop round for a bit? - Yes, please.- Can we?
0:01:42 > 0:01:43- It'd be lovely to see you.- Good.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48So, what, roughly, is the earliest possible time we could come?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Um, about three o'clock, after we've eaten.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52We're having my mum and dad round for Christmas dinner.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55That'll be lovely, Lucy. We should let you get on with the cooking.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You must have loads to do.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Oh, no, the Christmas dinner is Lee's department.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01He is a festive control freak.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Even the turkey has to be stuffed in a certain way. It's very anal.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Is there another way?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- So, er, where is he, then? - He's in the garage.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- It's a Christmas surprise for the kids.- That'll be nice for them.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18How long is he staying in there?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I've told him he can't carry on with the cooking
0:02:21 > 0:02:24until he's assembled the kids' present from Mummy and Daddy.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25That's why the kids are in the garden.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- They're being distracted by Lee's dad.- Oh.- Don't worry, Anna.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31He came round to see them.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35They didn't just find him sleeping under the hedge...again.
0:02:36 > 0:02:42Does this look like an upper connecting flange bracket to you?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44That looks like a disposable grout spreader.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47We really need to clear out this garage.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52So what have you got for the kids?
0:02:53 > 0:02:57A total warfare ultimate blaster water battle set.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59You can have a go with it tomorrow, if you like.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04- Fancy getting a bit of a drenching, Anna?- Not really.- Yeah, better not.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07She might melt. Then who'd look after the flying blue monkeys?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11The kids have been after one for ages,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14so that's their present from me and Lee.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15And Father Christmas?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Oh, yeah, they still get presents from Father Christmas,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22but for some reason they also get an astronomically expensive present
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- from Mummy and Daddy.- Careful, Lee.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27You don't want Jacob Marley visiting you while you're asleep.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30He won't get that reference. Try Scrooge McDuck.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Anyway, we'd better be off. I'd better get started
0:03:35 > 0:03:38on my own once-yearly desperate bid for affection.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- I mean assembling Jack's present. - Oh.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46We put the other thing back till Easter, remember.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- We've got Jack a trampoline. - Oh, not keen on trampolines.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- I've seen the damage they can cause. - Oh, it's fine.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57We're putting mats down to protect the lawn.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Don't! They've been weighed. Well, you know what your mum's like.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04She's bound to pick me up on something about me cooking.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I don't know why you're even making stollen cake.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Why can't we have Christmas pudding, like normal people?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Cos nobody really likes Christmas pudding.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Talking of things soaked in alcohol that no-one's keen on...
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Calm down, calm down. Sorry, I've got 'em a little bit overexcited.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- Why, did you say you were leaving? - We want a trampoline for Christmas.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- I thought you wanted a water battle set.- And a trampoline.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Jack's getting one. - Jack doesn't know what he's getting.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36He might be getting nothing, like me, till Easter.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40We'll see you tomorrow.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Are you sure you don't wanna come for Christmas dinner tomorrow, Dad?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48No, and there's no point in trying to twist my arm.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Oh, go on, can I, just for a bit of fun?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I'm more than happy being with my mates down at the pub.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55It's better than Lucy's parents looking down their noses at me
0:04:55 > 0:04:56all day, like last Christmas.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Look, Dad, I know what they're like, trust me,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02but you don't exactly do yourself any favours.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05You didn't even bring a proper present for the kids last year.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07What's wrong with a selection box?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Since you ask, the Curly Wurly was missing.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13OK. Sorry it wasn't good enough. I'll get going.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- My parents will be here in a minute. - He said he was leaving.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17No need to threaten him.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I'm assuming they're coming round to do their usual,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24so the kids can open their present from them a day early.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I did it when I was a kid with my grandparents.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- It's a family tradition. - Not in my family it wasn't.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I'm happy to do your Christmas family traditions as well.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Shall I call the police now,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35or do you wanna throw a chair through the window first?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37KNOCK AT DOOR
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Sorry, but expecting people to open your presents
0:05:39 > 0:05:42before anybody else's is just hogging the limelight.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- They are not hogging the limelight. - Merry Christmas, everybody.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Now that's a selection box.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Grandma! Grandad!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58What have you got us for Christmas?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oh, I don't think we've got anything, have we, Wendy?
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- I think we forgot to get you something.- What's in that big box?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- What big box? - I can't see a big box.- Shame.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09That's how it started with my mum -
0:06:09 > 0:06:12not long after she was stood in Rumbelows, naked,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14trying to buy a telly with a ration book.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Anyway, I wish you all a Merry Christmas.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Maybe see if you can track down that Curly Wurly from last year,
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- eh, Frank? - I'll keep my eye open for clues.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Maybe look for someone with a toffee nose.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Can we open it? - Course you can open it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38You'll find mixing it with your fingers is better, Lee.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Don't want to bruise the raisins. - I know.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's the same reason I bought a padded bicycle seat.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50It's a total warfare ultimate blaster water battle set!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Just look at those faces. Priceless.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- Oh, Mum, Dad, you really shouldn't have.- Oh, it's nothing, really.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Just a silly little thing. - Well, you say little.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I bet it'll take approximately 2 hours and 17 minutes to assemble,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08and you don't get that kind of time back, do you?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Lucy, can you help me in the kitchen for a second?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- Anything I can do, Lee?- No, thank you, Wendy, you've done enough.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Did you know they were getting the same present?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Yes, Lee, of course I did,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24but I just thought you can never have too many
0:07:24 > 0:07:27total warfare ultimate blaster water battle sets.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- We need to get a new present for the kids right now.- Now?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- It's four o'clock on Christmas Eve. - You're right.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Let's leave it for a few hours, really get the adrenaline going.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38You need to go to the shops, and quickly, before they close.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Oh, so I'm supposed to prepare the food and do the shopping?- Yeah.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I wonder what that must feel like.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Why can't you go?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Cos I've still got loads to do. - So have I!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I've got to parboil the potatoes in salt water, for a start.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Well, maybe you can boil them in our children's tears
0:07:53 > 0:07:55when they have no presents to unwrap in the morning.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- I can carry on with the cooking. - Look, how about this?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Instead of a present, we get the kids a handwritten voucher,
0:08:01 > 0:08:05something that says, "This entitles you to a pizza and a pantomime."
0:08:06 > 0:08:09You think our children will be impressed by a handwritten voucher?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11You're impressed when I do that for you.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Can I let you into a little secret, Lee?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I really am not.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Everything all right in here? - Yes, fine, thanks.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Lee just needed a hand with the food preparation for tomorrow.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Leaving it all a bit late, aren't you, Lee?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31If you need some help, Lee, just say the word.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Oh, let me have two words.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Can you set it up for us, Grandad?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43No, I think I'll let your father do that. Think you can manage it, Lee?
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Oh, I know I can.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47See you all tomorrow.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- Can you set it up for us, Daddy? - Please!- Later. Upstairs, everyone.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Daddy has just got to pop to the shops.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57And get them what?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- Trampoline.- A trampoline? - Ssh! We know they want one.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02They said so earlier.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04And you said they were a safety hazard.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Yeah, well, that's the good thing about having twins.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08You've always got a spare. Go!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- What are you doing? - I'm taking it back to the shop.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16You can't take that one. We haven't got a receipt for it.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19No, but we've got a receipt for the one that we bought.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Exactly - the one we bought. God knows where Mum and Dad got theirs.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Could even have been online. - So? The shop won't know that.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30As long as we've got a receipt they'll take any back...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- I think. - You think?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I'm not risking our children's happiness based on you thinking.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42So I'm supposed to go back into the garage, dismantle the water battle
0:09:42 > 0:09:44set I spent ages assembling, drag it back to the shop,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46swap it for a trampoline, bring the trampoline home,
0:09:46 > 0:09:47assemble the trampoline,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50and then assemble the water battle set that your mum and dad got them?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Do you need me in this conversation?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I'd like to do an exchange, please.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Kids got two of the same present. - What, already?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- It's not even Christmas Day. - Exactly.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Stupid grandparents always give them a day early.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Hey, I gave my grandchildren their gifts this morning, actually.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Blimey, is there an epidemic of grandparent pre-emptive gift-giving?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36What's the rush? Did someone predict a cold snap?
0:10:41 > 0:10:46That's no problem, as long as the gift is in its original packaging.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Yup.
0:10:50 > 0:10:56Am I right in assuming that this has been taken out of its packaging?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I can see why you get the big bucks, Michael.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Why didn't you just bring back the unopened one?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Cos it wasn't from this shop.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07To be honest, as long as you've got a receipt,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09we wouldn't have known anyway.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- I knew it.- Well, if you knew it, why didn't you do it?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Cos I like things taking much longer than
0:11:15 > 0:11:19they actually need to, so this conversation is right up my street.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24I can't swap that, sir. For all I know there could be pieces missing.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Right. Well, I'll just have to pay for the trampoline, won't I?
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Oh, God, I left me wallet at home when I was getting the receipt out.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Oh, dear.- It's all right. Have to phone my wife, won't I?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40She can pay for it over the phone with a credit card.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44I'm sorry, sir, but we can't accept payment over the phone.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46There's a risk of fraud.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49At the moment there's a risk of a much bigger crime being committed.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Now, if you don't mind, sir,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I've got paying customers for me to attend to.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Christmas Eve tends to be a busy time for us.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59It's a busy time for me.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Now I'm supposed to be at home in the kitchen
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- with a wooden spoon mixing a stollen cake.- You should use your fingers.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Much less chance of bruising the raisins.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Come on. You can clearly see that this is a water battle set.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Just let me swap it. - Yes, but like I say,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I can't be certain that all the pieces are there.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Right! I'll prove all the pieces are there.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26MUSIC: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses
0:12:36 > 0:12:37DING DONG
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- P.A.:- This store will close in five minutes.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42We wish all our customers a very merry Christmas.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43If I ever meet that bloke,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Allen Key, I am gonna shove his flimsy little invention up his...
0:12:46 > 0:12:48DING DONG
0:12:49 > 0:12:54One total warfare ultimate blaster water battle set.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Oh, very nice, sir. You look like you've done that before.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03- Could I please now swap it for this trampoline?- I'm afraid not, sir.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08There's a bit missing - the upper turret connecting flange bracket.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10What?
0:13:10 > 0:13:15Looks like a disposable grout spreader. Often gets left out.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- People don't know where to stick it. - I wish I had it now.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- Sure I could improvise. - But you don't have it, do you, sir?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24So there's nothing I can do.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Merry Christmas, sir,
0:13:25 > 0:13:31and may Santa leave a sprinkling of festive magic up your chimney.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- And up yours.- Oh, excuse me.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I'm sorry, sir, but you can't just leave that there.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44- You'll have to dismantle it. - Oh, yeah? And who's gonna make me?
0:13:49 > 0:13:54MUSIC: Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Where have you been? I could have made a trampoline in less time.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Do you reckon you could actually do that?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18I can't wait to see what you and Daddy have got us this year.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- What is it? - You'll just have to wait and see.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- They'll be jumping up and down when they find out.- Well, you might.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Where is it?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30They wouldn't let me swap it. There was a piece missing.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Right, everyone, bedtime.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36- OK.- Not you.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I've dumped the water battle set back in the garage.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- It's still in the box. - Christmas is ruined.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Maybe we can see this as a positive thing.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52You know, teach the children not to take things for granted.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I am not using Christmas morning to teach my children a moral lesson
0:14:55 > 0:14:57about the value of disappointment.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00They can wait for that until they're married.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I could put a cheque in a card.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- All right, it's no substitute for a trampoline.- I dunno.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- They're both likely to bounce.- It's good that you can be funny about it.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- Try hysterical. - KNOCK AT DOOR
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- Hello, son.- Dad. I thought we'd had your festive visit?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22You did, and you got me thinking,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25about how I've not made much effort with the kiddies.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I mean, I didn't even bring a Christmas present for them.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31So I've brought a little something round that they can open tomorrow.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42I hope that's a water battle set. We're down to our final two.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46It's a trampoline. I heard the kids earlier saying they wanted one.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Well, how could you afford that? - Oh, it were nothing.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52I just scraped together me life savings and popped along to B&Q.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Only in our family can the words "life savings"
0:15:55 > 0:15:57and "B&Q" appear in the same sentence.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- Anyway, I hope they like it. - They'll love it. Thanks, Dad.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- Happy Christmas, son. I'll see you next week.- Yeah, see you next week.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11This is a Christmas miracle.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14We desperately wanted a trampoline for the kids,
0:16:14 > 0:16:15and now they've got one.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Yeah, from my dad.- Yeah, but they don't know that, do they?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Are you suggesting we steal a trampoline from my father?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Oh, come on, Lee. It all works.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29The kids aren't expecting a present from Grandad Frank
0:16:29 > 0:16:30so they won't miss out.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35They are expecting a present from Mummy and Daddy. Well, here it is.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Yes, all we have to do now is kill my dad
0:16:38 > 0:16:40so he never finds out the truth.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- We don't have to do that.- You said that like you'd considered it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Frank isn't coming around again until next week,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49so that's when we tell him.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51We say, "Sorry, Frank, but we'd already got the kids
0:16:51 > 0:16:53a trampoline, but we didn't have the heart to tell you
0:16:53 > 0:16:56when you came round on Christmas Eve because you looked so happy.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58So we popped out on Boxing Day and got something really
0:16:58 > 0:17:03special for them from you, their lovely, generous, Grandad Frank.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Well, come on, Lee. It's like something that happens
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- in a Christmas film. - Yeah, The Grinch.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Look, we'll get them something amazing, I promise.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13The kids will love it,
0:17:13 > 0:17:17and love Grandad Frank for getting it for them, so no-one loses out.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19You wouldn't pull this stunt on your own parents.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Right now, Lee, I would rob the three wise men outside the stable.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27And at least now you can relax and carry on with your cooking.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Oh, I suppose.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34After you've assembled the trampoline.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Oh, and you need to reassemble that water battle set in the garage.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39But before you do any of that
0:17:39 > 0:17:42you need to hide that water battle set under the stairs.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Could you do me a favour and stick a small paintbrush up my backside?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I think I'll glaze the turkey whilst I'm at it.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues
0:18:07 > 0:18:11MUSIC: Silent Night
0:18:11 > 0:18:15MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues
0:18:23 > 0:18:26This is the best Christmas present ever!
0:18:26 > 0:18:30You're the best mum and dad in the world!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Do you think they'll still play with the water battle set?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Yep.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Think they like both.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- To the man who made it all happen.- What, my dad?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46It's not actually stealing, is it?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48The kids ended up with the same present,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51and they'll get an even better one from Frank on Boxing Day,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53so in a way we've sort of done everyone a favour.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- I wish you'd help me set that trampoline up.- Why?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Because it was really difficult to stretch,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02but seeing what you can do with the truth, you'd have been a natural.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I feel bad enough without the guilt trip.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Coco Chanel said that.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Will you cheer up, before I throw a bucket of water in your face?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Coco the Clown said that.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Haven't you got cooking to do?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Yeah, better finish that stollen cake.- Oh, it's all right.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I did that last night while you were finishing up in the garage.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Did you do it properly?- Yes. - Did you use fresh cinnamon?
0:19:35 > 0:19:41- I put cinnamon in, yes. - Fresh cinnamon?- Yes. It was in date.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45God, you put dried cinnamon in my stollen cake.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- No-one will be able to tell. - Your mum will.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- She could get a job at an airport with that nose.- Will you calm down?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Blimey, where's your sense of humour gone?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Do that again and I will smash those guns with a brick.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Dinner smells good.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- Better late than never. - Christmas drink?
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Better late than never.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Mum and Dad will be here in a minute.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Better...finish this bread sauce.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- We love the trampoline. - And Santa's present.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Why didn't Grandad Frank get us anything?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Is it because he's as tight as a gnat's chuff?
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Don't say mean things about Grandad Frank.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35But Daddy says mean things about him all the time.
0:20:37 > 0:20:43- You called him a feckless Alfie. - A feckless alky.- Don't correct her.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46What's an alky?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Who wants some chocolate before dinner?- Me!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54It's the really sticky kind that means you can't talk.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55- KNOCK AT DOOR - Ooh!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Happy Christmas.- Merry Christmas.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Mummy and Daddy got us a trampoline!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- Lucky you!- I imagine it was a devil to put together.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10I was up till 4am.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14If I were you I'd have started the job a little earlier, Lee.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Thanks, Geoffrey. I'll bear that in mind for next year.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Oh, sorry we had to ask you to come a bit later.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Things got a bit delayed.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Well, dinner is almost ready, so if you'd like to take a seat, kids.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30You'll ruin dinner. I'm assuming the chocolates are from Frank again.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35- No, Grandad Frank didn't get us anything this year.- Oh, good God.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Yes, but he has promised to bring you something next week.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42What could be more fun to play with on Christmas morning than a promise?
0:21:42 > 0:21:43I happen to know he's bought
0:21:43 > 0:21:45a really great present this year, actually.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- What is it?- Well, what are you hoping Grandad Frank has got you?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- cos whatever it is, I bet he won't let you down.- A puppy!- A pony!
0:21:52 > 0:21:56A holiday to Disney World Florida!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- All right, he might let you down a bit.- Exactly.- Oh, come on, Dad.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04- You never know with Frank. He sometimes surprises us.- Ho-ho-ho!
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Merry Christmas.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- Dad, what are you doing here? - I'm sorry.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- My presence not welcome?- We wouldn't know. He never brings any.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17- Haven't you eaten yet? I had mine hours ago.- Things got delayed.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Lee was up all night building a trampoline.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- I suppose that were my fault, really.- Oh, why's that?
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Has Lee not told you?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Kids, is there anything you'd like to say to your Grandad Frank?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- Have you brought us a Christmas present?- Another one?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Yeah, what was wrong with last year's?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I heard a kindly old man came into this house last night
0:22:38 > 0:22:40and left a rather special present for you kids.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42He's talking about Santa.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Thank you, Lucy, I think
0:22:43 > 0:22:46we were all managing to keep up with the conversation.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Santa's not the only one who brings presents, is he?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Is it too much for a man to ask for a big hug as a thank you?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Thank you.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02There you go, she said it. Come on, Dad, I'll get you a drink.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11I thought you were trying to avoid Lucy's parents today.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I was, but now I've bought that trampoline
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I can look Geoffrey directly in the eyes.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Bit extreme, innit? Couldn't you have just worn your Cuban heels?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22So why was Molly thanking you for that trampoline?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Look, Dad, I've got a sort of confession to make.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27We'd already got the kids a trampoline,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30so we didn't give 'em the one you bought.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I was gonna tell you last night, but you looked so happy.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37- So the kids don't know I've got 'em anything?- Sorry, Dad.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39We didn't think you'd be coming round till next week,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42and by then we'd have exchanged it for something really special,
0:23:42 > 0:23:43and told them it was from you.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46So if you think about it, we were sort of doing you a favour.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49There's no need to thank me.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I suppose these things happen, but I can't have them kids thinking
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I've not got 'em anything,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56so let's go in there and explain to everyone now.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Do you know, I can't wait to see the look on Geoffrey's face
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- when we show him my trampoline. - What do you mean, show him?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Well, he's not gonna believe it otherwise, is he?
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I mean it's a bit of a coincidence both of us getting trampolines.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Right.- Where's my one? In the garage?
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Actually, I put it in the loft.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Must have been a bit heavy, getting it up there.- Yeah, it was.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Through that little hatch.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Yeah. I wish I hadn't assembled it first.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29It would have been a lot easier.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Why drag something into the loft
0:24:31 > 0:24:34when you were taking it back to the shop a couple of days later?
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Well, you know me, Dad.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I like to make life as complicated as I possibly can for myself.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Great minds think alike, eh?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48You've got the same one as me, with a big letter J on it for "Jump".
0:24:49 > 0:24:54- Well, like you, we went to Homebase for it.- B&Q.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Homebase was closed so we went to B&Q.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I've met some villains in my time,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03but never anyone that would steal a trampoline
0:25:03 > 0:25:06off his own father on Christmas Eve.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08To be fair, Dad, that is a very specific crime.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I'm sorry, Dad. It was an emergency.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Who needs a trampoline in an emergency?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Who are you, the fire brigade in a Charlie Chaplin film?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21We had no choice. We needed a present for the kids.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Get them your own present.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25We did, but Lucy's parents got the same thing.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Oh, and we can't risk offending Wendy and Geoffrey, can we?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33God forbid. But me? Me, I'm treated like a dog.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35No, you're not. I let you sit on the sofa.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I spent my life savings on that trampoline.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I know you did, Dad, and me and Lucy feel terrible about it.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45You'd be completely justified walking back in there
0:25:45 > 0:25:46and telling everyone the truth.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49But please don't. I'm begging you.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53- He knows.- Oh, God.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57We'd invite you to join us, Frank,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59but of course you've already had your Christmas dinner.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Oh, I think I can find room for a little bit more.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06After all, when I'm chewing I'm not talking. Right, son?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09You sure, Dad? Remember what the doctor said
0:26:09 > 0:26:10about watching your weight.
0:26:10 > 0:26:16Yeah, but you know me. I'm up and down, up and down, up and down.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19- Just like a...- I get it.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Um, those carrots were very nice, Lee.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Slightly unusual texture.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- What glaze are you using? - The dead-eyed stare.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56- It's a honey glaze. Pinched the recipe from Nigella.- Really?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Not like you to pinch things, Lee.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01So, come on, then, Charlie.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04You haven't told us what this water battle set is like yet.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Haven't really played with it much. I've been too busy on my trampoline.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09We love the trampoline!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Yeah, but you love the water battle set too, don't you?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Yeah, the water battle set went down a storm with the kids.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- Just not as great as the trampoline. - Yes, but better than nothing, Frank.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Another roast potato, Geoffrey?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Not for me, thanks, but, um, lovely food. Well done, Lee.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Nice when somebody makes an effort, isn't it, Frank?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Oh, it certainly is.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39And you know what else our Lee is very good at cooking up? Pork pies.
0:27:40 > 0:27:45Great big fat porky pies, that he likes feeding to the kids.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- More veg, Frank?- Oops!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I nearly spilled the beans, then, didn't I, Lucy?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- Who wants to pull a cracker with Grandad Frank?- Me!
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Oh, look, Molly, a little toy mirror.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Ask your dad can he bring himself to look in it.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08You can have that.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Very generous of you, Frank.
0:28:09 > 0:28:14It's what Christmas is all about, isn't it? Sharing, giving.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20- You don't have to tell me that. - Is that right?- You know what?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22It's about time I told you something.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25No. Let me tell you something first, Dad.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- Do you remember that Christmas when I was seven?- What?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30- I wanted a swing-ball set, but I didn't get it.- Didn't you?
0:28:30 > 0:28:35And I didn't get one when I was eight, or nine, or ten.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Every year I used to ask for that swing-ball, but I never got it.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43You used to say to me, "Maybe next year, son.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45"If you're good you'll get one,"
0:28:45 > 0:28:49and every year I used to try really hard to be a good little boy,
0:28:49 > 0:28:51but it never worked.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53I never got that swing-ball.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55And yet despite all that,
0:28:55 > 0:28:59there's still a part of me that thinks somehow, one day,
0:28:59 > 0:29:05I might just get what I really, really want for Christmas.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Who knows? Maybe this year.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12I'm sorry to break this to you, Lee,
0:29:12 > 0:29:14but if he hasn't got the grandchildren anything,
0:29:14 > 0:29:17I doubt very much he's got you a swing-ball.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21What were you going to tell us, Frank?
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Kids, you know you think your mum
0:29:25 > 0:29:28and dad are so wonderful for getting that trampoline?
0:29:28 > 0:29:30- Yeah.- Well, guess what?
0:29:32 > 0:29:33They are wonderful.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37They're the best parents in the whole wide world.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40Don't listen to him. It's his word... What?
0:29:42 > 0:29:43Lee's right.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46I was a bit of a rubbish dad, and I can't change that now -
0:29:46 > 0:29:48but that doesn't mean I don't recognise
0:29:48 > 0:29:50when somebody else is making a better job of it than I did.
0:29:51 > 0:29:57So I think it's time...we raised our glasses...to Lee and Lucy...
0:29:58 > 0:30:00..for being such a great mum and dad.
0:30:01 > 0:30:07- I'll drink to that.- Me too. - Cheers!- Thanks, Dad.
0:30:07 > 0:30:11- I just got my swing-ball. - See, he's not such a feckless alky.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14KNOCK AT DOOR
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Oh, that'll be Anna and Toby.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22- Oh, Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.- Come in.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Mummy, can we take Jack into the garden
0:30:27 > 0:30:29and show him our water battle set?
0:30:29 > 0:30:30Course you can.
0:30:32 > 0:30:33Oh, and kids,
0:30:33 > 0:30:36I just want to say I'm sorry that I didn't get the chance
0:30:36 > 0:30:38to get you anything this year,
0:30:38 > 0:30:41but I'll make it up to you in a few days, I promise.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Don't I, Lee?
0:30:43 > 0:30:45- Absolutely. - What will you get us?
0:30:45 > 0:30:50- Yes, what will I get them, Lee? - I know. What about swing-ball?
0:30:53 > 0:30:54What is swing-ball?
0:30:54 > 0:30:56It's a tennis ball tied to a piece of string,
0:30:56 > 0:30:59and you hit it round and round a post.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Or maybe a PlayStation.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Say no more. Really, say no more.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16- A PlayStation it is.- Yeah!
0:31:16 > 0:31:20Thanks, Grandad Frank. You're brilliant.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24- So how's your Christmas been so far? - It's been wonderful.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Really, really wonderful.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31Well, I'm glad somebody's Christmas has worked out.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35It's been a little bit tough. Listen to this.
0:31:35 > 0:31:36I got home with Anna last night.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38Well, that's not easy, but you did marry her.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43I went straight out to the garage to put Jack's trampoline together,
0:31:43 > 0:31:45and guess what?
0:31:45 > 0:31:49The garage had been broken into and the trampoline had been stolen.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- Have you told the police? - Yes, and we gave a full description.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00Nine feet tall and bright blue.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05Sounds like he should be quite an easy burglar to recognise.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Well, it shouldn't be hard to spot.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11We had it specially made for Jack, with a big letter J on it.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15The police say if it was taken by professionals
0:32:15 > 0:32:16it's probably miles away by now.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Yeah, but then again, if it was taken by a complete bloody moron,
0:32:19 > 0:32:21it could be right under your nose.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Dad, can you give me a hand with the desserts, please?
0:32:28 > 0:32:31- Well?- I don't know where you keep the pudding bowls.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Did you steal that trampoline?
0:32:35 > 0:32:38- How dare you? I bought it.- From B&Q?
0:32:39 > 0:32:43Might have been Argos... or Toys R Us.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47- Come to think of it...- Yes?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50I might have bought it off a bloke in the pub.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53- Still cost me money, though. £50.- £50?
0:32:53 > 0:32:57- You said it was your life savings. - £50 is my life savings.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01And you didn't think possibly that it just might be stolen?
0:33:01 > 0:33:05No. The bloke said he was a market trader with leftover stock.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07There was no reason not to trust him.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09- What was his name? - Mickey the Fingers.
0:33:11 > 0:33:15See that wooden thing out there, next to that stolen trampoline?
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- Do you know what that is?- A fence. - That's what you are.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22And on that fence, see that robin?
0:33:22 > 0:33:24They take food from other birds
0:33:24 > 0:33:27and pretend they've hunted it themselves.
0:33:27 > 0:33:32- That's what you are.- That's magpies. - All right, Bill Oddie.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37- What the hell are we gonna do?- Well, we haven't got any choice, have we?
0:33:37 > 0:33:39We're gonna have to tell Anna and Toby the truth
0:33:39 > 0:33:41and tell them exactly where it came from.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44You can't, Lee. With my record they'll never believe me.
0:33:44 > 0:33:45I could go to prison.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Please don't tell 'em that trampoline came from me,
0:33:48 > 0:33:49I'm begging you.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Sorry, can I just get some water?
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Kids sound like they're having fun.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Remind me again, what was it you got them?
0:33:59 > 0:34:00Water battle set.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Well, they're obviously enjoying it.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07It's just a shame Jack didn't get to enjoy his Mummy and Daddy present.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10If they ever get their hands on the swines
0:34:10 > 0:34:13that stole his trampoline I hope they string them up.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16We've gone too soft in this country on petty criminals.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19I say lock them up and teach the other thieves a lesson.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Ruining a child's Christmas like that - unforgiveable.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29Yeah, but never mind. Presents aren't everything.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34I mean there are lots of other nice things at Christmas, like...food.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42Look at this! Lee made it. Isn't it lovely? It's stolen. Stollen!
0:34:43 > 0:34:47Stollen cake. What do you think?
0:34:47 > 0:34:50- Very nice.- I'll try a bit later.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54- Now! Try some now. Right now. - Do you want some, Toby?
0:34:59 > 0:35:01There's a trampoline in your garden.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06How the hell did that get there?
0:35:06 > 0:35:08You said you got them a water battle set.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12Yeah, but these toys, they never look the same
0:35:12 > 0:35:14as the picture on the box once you've built them.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16It's got a letter J on it.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I know. J for Charlie.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Charlie isn't his first name. It's his middle name.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28What's his first name, then?
0:35:30 > 0:35:31Jesus.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Why is our trampoline in your garden?
0:35:41 > 0:35:42Oh, just tell them the truth, Lee.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50- It was bought from a bloke in the pub.- What bloke?
0:35:52 > 0:35:53Mickey the Fence.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55- Fingers.- Who's telling this story?
0:35:56 > 0:36:00What kind of idiot buys his presents from a bloke in a pub?
0:36:00 > 0:36:02I tell you exactly what kind of idiot.
0:36:03 > 0:36:04It was...
0:36:06 > 0:36:09It was me. I bought it.
0:36:09 > 0:36:15It was very stupid of me. Very, very, very stupid of me.
0:36:16 > 0:36:20- Yes, it was.- Very stupid indeed.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Bloody stupid.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Yeah, not the best idea you've ever had, Lee.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Yeah, but we were desperate for a present at the last minute.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34- We did what any parent would have done.- Any parent?
0:36:34 > 0:36:37All right, we did what no other parent would ever dream of doing.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39There's something very odd about this.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44Am I right in saying you used dried cinnamon and not fresh?
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Oh, phone the police. Don't phone the police.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55Well, I suppose at least we've found our trampoline.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Jack can have his present.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59I'll go and dismantle it.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01We'll just have to tell our kids that they've lost their present.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07Good news, sweetheart. You know the Christmas trampoline you wanted?
0:37:07 > 0:37:10Forget that. I don't want a trampoline. Trampolines are boring.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15But you've been asking for one for the last three months.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18I know, but now I want a water battle set like they've got.
0:37:18 > 0:37:19They're brilliant.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Jack, follow me.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Merry Christmas, Jack.
0:37:33 > 0:37:37- This is from your mum and dad. - Thanks, you're the best.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41- You're assembling it.- Course I am.
0:38:23 > 0:38:24Next year they are getting a pony.