0:00:02 > 0:00:04# We're not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# We're not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# We are not going out. #
0:00:23 > 0:00:31SINISTER LOW NOTE
0:00:40 > 0:00:43CHATTER
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Ho, ho, ho!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54CRASH
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Well, that wouldn't have happened if somebody knew how to park in a bay properly.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Somebody that shouldn't be allowed behind the wheel of a... Hello!
0:01:06 > 0:01:11You want to be more careful. Otherwise next time, you'll be parking over there.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Well, that's a disabled space. Oh, it's a threat. I get it!
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Well, as long as you're OK.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Oh, yeah. Don't worry about me. I'm fine.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Oh, God!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Are you OK?- Oh, oh! I'm fine. It was only a little bump.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29So was that, a few months ago. Now you can barely walk.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- Are you sure it's all right? - By "it", you mean our baby?
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Yeah, all right. Yeah.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36I told you, it's not as easy to bond at this stage when you're the father.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40It's all right for you. Carrying it around all the time for nine months, everywhere you go,
0:01:40 > 0:01:46- feeling it kicking you all the time. - Yeah, I appreciate I drew the long straw. Just go and pick your dad up.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Oh, and while you're in there, can you get me some Vagisil?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I beg your pardon?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Vagisil.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55What the hell is that?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57What does it sound like?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Um, character from Game of Thrones?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02It is a cream for intimate feminine relief.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I might need it after the baby comes.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I'm not asking for that, my love.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Great. I'll have to come with you, then, won't I?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Why are you bringing the birthing bag?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16If baby is due at any minute, this bag stays by my side at all times.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19We're going to a department store, not on safari.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- I'd ask for this cream if it had a proper name.- Like what?- I don't know.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Thrushblaster 2000?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33SINISTER LOW NOTE
0:02:35 > 0:02:40SHE PLAYS JINGLE BELLS
0:02:40 > 0:02:45OK, I'll meet you in the gift-wrap department in a sec. Oh, and do us a favour, David.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Don't say anything to Lee's dad about Christmas Day tomorrow. He doesn't know.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51No, he knows it's Christmas Day,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54he just doesn't know you're joining us for lunch.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55OK, bye.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59There's still time to invite him, you know.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02There's still time to put a sprig of holly on him to serve him up as a plum pudding.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04It doesn't mean I'm going to do it.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I think you need to start giving him a chance.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I've been giving him a chance my whole life.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11It's all right for you. You were brought up properly.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Your parents made you the sweet, well adjusted, slightly anxious,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17neurotic, borderline OCD control freak that I love.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19But my upbringing was different.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- And cue Hovis music.- You know what my dad was like.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27- He was hardly around.- Look. Just because your dad wasn't exactly perfect,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29it's doesn't mean you won't be.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34And anyway, he's making a real effort lately. He's got this job.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37And maybe becoming a grandparent is making him
0:03:37 > 0:03:39want to gain some self-respect and dignity.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Merry Christmas, son.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Go on - hurry up, Dad, and get changed.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I don't want people seeing you in the car dressed like a pornographic hobbit.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Oh, hello.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Oh, hi.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Brought Lee to visit Santa, have you, Lucy?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Santa has just left, but, er, you can sit on MY knee,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58if you like, love.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Oh, um, sorry. Toby and Anna, our neighbours, Frank - Lee's dad.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I know. He's not what you'd expect.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08No, he's pretty much exactly what I'd expect.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Hello, everyone.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Hello, Daisy. Didn't expect to see you.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Not going away for Christmas, then?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Yes. Oh, far, far away.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22To the land of...parents.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Oh, that's nice.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- Christmas is a time for families to be together. Isn't it, Daisy?- Yes.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31No.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Maybe.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Right, does anyone fancy a Christmas Eve drink?
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Well, I don't see why...
0:04:40 > 0:04:41I don't see why.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Sorry, we don't have time to go to a bar.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Who says anything about a bar? Come into my grotto.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51There's enough booze stacked in here to kill a reindeer.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Is that how you pitch it to the kids?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56TANNOY BING-BONGS 'Ladies and gentlemen, just to remind you that
0:04:56 > 0:05:00'as it is Christmas Eve, the store will be closing in five minutes.'
0:05:07 > 0:05:10SINISTER LOW NOTE
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Honestly, we don't have time. Jack's coming home this evening.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- Our two-year-old son. Anna's parents have taken him to Lapland.- Aw!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- How lovely for him.- Be a nice break for Anna, too.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- I don't need a break from Jack. - No, of course not.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Christ, you throw one mug against a wall
0:05:28 > 0:05:31and suddenly you're seen as somebody who can't cope.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35So - we need to go, Toby. Before the store closes.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Oh, you don't have to worry about that, love.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I've got an arrangement with the security guys.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43They'll be over in a minute, when everybody's out and they've locked up.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Actually, last week, they put different guards on who I didn't know.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I ended up having to shimmy up a Christmas tree,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52climb into a ventilator shaft and get out over the roof!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Well, why not? Now we know there's an exit strategy.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58So, what do you do, Toby?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- I'm a doctor.- Really?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Can I show you something?- No.- No.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Drink, Daisy?- Oh, just a small one for me, thanks, Frank.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I don't want to be drunk for midnight mass.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- I didn't know you were religious. - Oh, yes.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14I'm not one of these people who only celebrates Christmas once a year.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Ah!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23'OK, Mike. That's everybody out.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26'Just going to do this one final door and we're in lockdown.'
0:06:28 > 0:06:31'Mike?'
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- So, you're three days late, Lucy? Are you booked in for a sweep? - A what?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42The obstetrician manually draws aside the cervical membranes
0:06:42 > 0:06:44to stimulate labour. A sweep.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47And if that doesn't work, d'you send Sooty up?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Right, who's ready for the Christmas presents?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53I'm fine, thank you.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I actually believe we've lost the true meaning of Christmas.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- These days, it's all about spending money.- Don't worry about that.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00He's nicking them.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Oh, OK, then. Why not!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07OK, Mike. I am done. Time for that willing bevvy!
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Mike?
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Oof!
0:07:19 > 0:07:24Aw! Nothing says Christmas quite like a Widowmaker 450 Ping-pong Exterminator.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Oh. A teddy bear. How...nice.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Maybe you can give it to Jack.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Really? I was going to keep it for myself
0:07:34 > 0:07:37and give our two-year-old a bread knife this year.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I do have some maternal instincts, you know.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45'Kiss my ass'.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Oh! How festive.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50That's not an official store present. No, no.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I just keep them on standby in case any of the kids are irritating me.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Yeah, because sometimes a geriatric elf wearing women's tights
0:07:56 > 0:08:00and stinking of Special Brew isn't quite traumatising enough.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Oh, a baseball. Just what I've always wanted.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05If I was 12 and from Wyoming.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Sorry, these presents are more aimed at the kiddies.- Oh, wow!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Craft scissors. How did you know?
0:08:10 > 0:08:15- Toby, we need to go - now.- No, no. We've got to wait for Bill and Mike.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- They've got the keys. It'll all be locked up.- Well, where are they?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- I don't know. They're taking ages. - Well, I'm not just waiting in here.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Neither am I.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Do you play baseball? - I'm not swapping.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48It's locked.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50You must have some way of opening it.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Do I look like I've got magical powers?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Hello!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Oh, don't do that. I'm not meant to be here after closing.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- I could lose my job.- Lose your job?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02I'm sorry to break it to you, Dad,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05but there's limited opportunities for elves in January.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08We need to find these guards now. Bring the bag.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I'm not her husband. I'm her caddie.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16You three stay here. I'll just check the first floor.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- You know who I blame for this, don't you? Me.- Why?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Saves you doing it.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Hello?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Hello! Anyone there?
0:09:48 > 0:09:54HE WHISTLES RUDOLF THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Is that you, Mike?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Just a couple of mince pies. No harm done.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Surely I get a verbal warning first?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Security guards. They're like policeman, aren't they?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Never around when you want one.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34No, I mean they're like policeman, aren't they?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Don't worry. I'm sure someone will be along soon.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48See?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- Where the hell are these guards? - We should never have gone for that drink.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54It's my dad's fault, as ever.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58You can say what you want about Frank, but I bet he would have offered to get Vagisil.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00He'd have offered to apply at!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09DISCORDANT NOTES
0:11:14 > 0:11:16When I say run, run!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20All right, when I say waddle, waddle!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23DISCORDANT NOTES
0:11:31 > 0:11:34SHE GASPS
0:11:37 > 0:11:39In here. Quick, phone the police.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- Oh, God.- It's all right. I think we're safe in here.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47MUFFLED GRUNTS
0:11:49 > 0:11:51ALL: Mmmmmmm!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Oh, good. You found the security guard, then.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Typical. Running out of sticky tape on Christmas Eve!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16No need for any of that with me.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I'll just sit here nice and quiet. My lips are sealed.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Well, they're not, but... I'll shut up.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Um, excuse me.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I was just wondering, um, when you've finished -
0:12:31 > 0:12:35and may I say what an excellent job doing, very professional -
0:12:35 > 0:12:39when you've finished, you're not going to hurt anybody, are you?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43I mean, it's not like we can describe you, or anything.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Long white beard.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Rides around in a sleigh, getaway driver had a bright red nose.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51So there's no need for any, um, unnecessary violence.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55We won't phone the police.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Play safe. Smash them up.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Honestly, just leave us here.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05THEY ALL SCREAM
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Mmmm!
0:13:32 > 0:13:36What the hell are you doing, telling him to leave us here? Why didn't you tell him I was pregnant?
0:13:36 > 0:13:41I'm pretty sure he could see. Unless he thought you'd recently won a trolley dash at Greggs!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Yeah, but you didn't say I was already three days overdue.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I think he had other things on his mind.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Yeah, like smashing up all our phones on your suggestion.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- We're trapped now, you idiot!- But what about the other security guard?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53He's probably out there lying unconscious, as well.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Well, when the other guards turn up for work, they'll let us go.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59When's the next shift?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03In an hour? Two hours?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05In the morning?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08You're not telling me the special crack commando unit of Brownie
0:14:08 > 0:14:11leaders are the only security on until Boxing Day?
0:14:12 > 0:14:16I shouldn't even be here. I should be outside, waiting in the car.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Why couldn't you have just said Vagisil?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22It's OK. Toby and Anna's kid is due back from Lapland any minute now.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24When the grandparents report these two missing,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27the police will trace their phones and find us.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Jack isn't coming home until the 29th.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42But you said you couldn't join us for a drink cos you had to get back for him.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- Well, there's a very good reason I said that.- What?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- I don't like you.- Nice.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50So you sent your child away over Christmas?
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- Christmas can be a very stressful time.- Tell me about it.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59How the hell are we going to get out of here?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm! Mmmm!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09What about Daisy's parents?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12They'll miss her tonight if she doesn't show up.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- What? - Can I have the tape back on, please?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Oh, I get it. She's having Christmas with you.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You lied, so you wouldn't have to ask me.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Nice.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29What, is anyone expecting you, Frank?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32No, I was going to have it at home. Alone.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35So no-one is going to miss any of us.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37We're trapped in here till Boxing Day.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38So do something - quick!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Or you might be delivering this baby with your teeth!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52LEE ON TANNOY: 'Robber to R7, Robber to R7.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56'Just my little joke there to lighten the tension. Don't worry, I haven't escaped.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00'I pressed the Tannoy button with my nose. And everyone else is still bound and gagged.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- LUCY:- 'Let me out, you absolute...' - TANNOY BING-BONGS
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Apart from her. She's not gagged.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Ignore them, please. 'Just go away and leave us alone.'
0:16:08 > 0:16:11'Actually, she's not gagged, either. But everyone else is.'
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- DAISY:- 'I'm definitely still gagged.'
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Anyway, you probably noticed my wife is very heavily pregnant.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20In fact, she's three days late already.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25I know, it doesn't show, but that's because she's the type where it's all gone on her arse. Whatever.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- LUCY:- 'I'm telling you now, you sick mother...' - TANNOY BING-BONGS
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Will you stop swearing!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Pressing this bing-bong is killing my nose.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34For God's sake, stop him!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Hang on, let me finish.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41'You can't leave, because...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44'..she's just gone into labour.'
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Have you completely lost your mind?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Can you scream convincingly?- Why not?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I got away with it at the conception.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58TANNOY BING-BONGS AND LUCY SCREAMS
0:16:58 > 0:17:00'You must have brought it on with the shock you caused.'
0:17:00 > 0:17:04So if you do nothing to help, you could be going down for a very, very long time.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10LUCY SCREAMS
0:17:13 > 0:17:15What the hell are you doing?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19There's no way he'll believe Lucy's in labour, you idiot!
0:17:19 > 0:17:20He might kill us all!
0:17:20 > 0:17:24He's certainly going to wonder why the waters haven't broken.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Well, you'd better think of something. And quick!
0:17:27 > 0:17:32- Can you - you know? Wet your dress a bit?- On demand?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34No, Lee, I can't. I happen to have a pelvic floor.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36And that's how you know it's her first baby.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Daisy, use that water.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- This is madness, you idiots! - We're doing this for our baby.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Forget it, Lucy. She's not even bothered about her own kids.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- She's hardly going to empathise with ours.- How dare you!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I get a little stressed at times, but that does NOT make me a bad mother.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02No, but not having Christmas Day with your child does!
0:18:02 > 0:18:05So, does not having it with your father make you a bad son?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- That's different.- Why?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Because a child doesn't just take, take, take, with nothing in return.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14You are in for a massive shock when the baby is born.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15He's getting closer.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Hurry up!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Oh, sorry. I think this is sparkling water.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I'm sure it'll be fine.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Yeah. I'll just tell him my clacker doubles up as a bloody soda stream!
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Where's he gone?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34God, I hope we don't live to regret this.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I mean, I hope we do live to regret this.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41I mean, I hope we do live to not... regret this.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44THEY ALL SCREAM
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Argh!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Thank God you're here. The baby is coming.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Isn't that right, doctor?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52That seems to be the case.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54How frequent are your contractions?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Every ten seconds.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57They wouldn't be every ten seconds, Lee.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00She's a pregnant woman, not an accordion!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Would you say they're about every three minutes?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I would say that they were about every three minutes.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08A clear indication of advanced labour.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Especially given the effervescence of the amniotic fluid.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15A sure-fire sign of imminent birth.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Or a very farty baby.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Argh!
0:19:20 > 0:19:22You've got to let us go.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24ALL: Oh!
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Argh!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Stand and deliver!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Hang on. She can't go on her own. She's about to give birth.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Good idea. Take the doctor. But what about me? I'm the father.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Just like the conception - I've got to be there.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Argh!
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Please!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- Bring the birthing bag.- Why?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Because you're having the baby, so we need it.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Very good of you, this.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17And don't you worry about us contacting the police when we get out.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19We'll be tied up with this little lady for a while.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23In fact, you've probably got time for some last-minute Christmas shopping.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25In fact, why don't you have a bowl of vegetable crisps on us?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Actually, I think they're off.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33The exit's that way.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36What?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I think we're supposed to deliver it here.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Then he's going to lock us all up in that room again.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46She can't have the baby in here.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Tell him, Doctor. Tell him why she can't have the baby in here.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52There's not enough...light.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56HE COCKS GUN
0:21:02 > 0:21:05He's not letting them go.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09When he finds out they're lying, he's coming to get very angry and kill us all.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12The only question is in what order.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15I reckon he'll get very angry first, and then kill us all.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- He's not going to kill anyone. - Really?
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Try telling your friend that.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21He's not dead.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Is he?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Hello?
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Are you dead?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Blink once for yes and twice for no.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32SHE BLOWS
0:21:34 > 0:21:36LUCY EXHALES LIGHTLY
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Do something.- Like what?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I don't know, you're supposed to be a doctor.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43A doctor, yeah, not a conjuror.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51There are...complications, aren't there, Doctor?
0:21:51 > 0:21:52That's a bloody understatement.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54He says this baby is beached.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Breached.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Oh, God.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Yes, breached, which means it's...stuck in the...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04U-bend bit.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07This woman needs professional help.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08You need professional help.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16You see? I told you he was dead.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17- Harder.- OK.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20MUFFLED SCREAM
0:22:20 > 0:22:22TANNOY BING-BONGS
0:22:22 > 0:22:24THUD
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- OVER TANNOY:- Well, he wasn't dead, but he might be now.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- Let me check. I'll bite him again. - Just leave him.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34We'll all be dead anyway when that lunatic realises Lucy's faking it.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37What does that red light mean on the microphone?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Oh, God! What have I said?!
0:22:39 > 0:22:43You said, "We'll all be dead when that lunatic realises Lucy's faking it."
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Turn it off! - TANNOY BING-BONGS
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I hope you're good at your job, Doctor,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50cos I'm about to do some serious damage.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52LUCY GASPS Hang on.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54It's you. From the car park.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I recognise your voice.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Yeah, that's right.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I remember your face, as well.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Green eyes, scar above the cheekbone,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05right nostril slightly bigger than the other.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Photographic memory, me. Police artist's dream.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Hey.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Don't worry, Lucy.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13He knows when the game's up.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Something tells me he's just going to turn round
0:23:17 > 0:23:19and walk straight out of this store.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21He's not going to hurt anybody...
0:23:21 > 0:23:22HE YELLS
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Oh! I was never a good judge of character.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25HE YELLS
0:23:25 > 0:23:28SMASHING
0:23:28 > 0:23:30DRAWERS SMASH
0:23:30 > 0:23:31LUCY GASPS
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- We've got to help them!- How?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39SMASHING
0:23:39 > 0:23:41LUCY GASPS
0:23:43 > 0:23:45LUCY BREATHES HEAVILY
0:23:45 > 0:23:46HE COCKS GUN
0:23:46 > 0:23:48FROM RADIO: It's Christma-a-as!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Well, did the lights go out?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade
0:23:55 > 0:23:57# Are you hanging up...? #
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Oh, God.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01# ..a stocking on your wall? #
0:24:01 > 0:24:03GUNSHOT AND SMASHING
0:24:03 > 0:24:04GUNSHOT
0:24:04 > 0:24:09# It's the time that every Santa has a ball... #
0:24:09 > 0:24:11GUNSHOT AND SCREAMING
0:24:11 > 0:24:15# Does he ride a red-nose reindeer?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18# Does he turn up on his sleigh?
0:24:18 > 0:24:24# Do the fairies keep him sober for a day?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29# So here it is, Merry Christmas
0:24:29 > 0:24:32# Everybody's having fun... #
0:24:32 > 0:24:34GUNSHOT
0:24:34 > 0:24:36# Look to the future now... #
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Oh, you and that bloody bag!
0:24:38 > 0:24:43# It's only just begun
0:24:45 > 0:24:49# Are you waiting for the... #
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Stay calm. He can't see us.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55# Are you sure you've got the...? #
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Can't he?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03# Does your granny always tell you
0:25:03 > 0:25:07# That the old songs are the best? #
0:25:07 > 0:25:09GUNSHOT AND SCREAMING
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Well, I can't find the light switch,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13but at least I've managed to stop the music.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15CRYING
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Oh, God!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Shall I see if they've got anything by George Michael?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Christmas shopping, always a nightmare, isn't it?
0:25:38 > 0:25:42If you're trying to stop a bullet, can I suggest hiding behind a pan and not a colander?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44LIGHT TAP
0:25:50 > 0:25:52THEY GASP
0:25:52 > 0:25:55COLANDER CLINKS
0:26:01 > 0:26:02FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:26:06 > 0:26:08FAST FOOTSTEPS
0:26:09 > 0:26:11FAST HEARTBEAT
0:26:14 > 0:26:15OMINOUS MUSIC
0:26:23 > 0:26:24DOOR SQUEAKS
0:26:29 > 0:26:31OPENS LOUDLY
0:26:32 > 0:26:33FASTER HEARTBEAT
0:26:59 > 0:27:01LOUD DOOR
0:27:01 > 0:27:02FAST HEARTBEAT
0:27:03 > 0:27:05OMINOUS MUSIC
0:27:36 > 0:27:37FART
0:27:45 > 0:27:46COCKS GUN
0:27:46 > 0:27:48GUNSHOT
0:27:52 > 0:27:53FART
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- Ho, ho, ho. Excuse me. - FART
0:28:26 > 0:28:27HE SIGHS
0:28:29 > 0:28:31The worst thing is I've got some natural yoghurt at home.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33That would have done it.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Instead of the Vagisil.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy. I've let you down, and the baby.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44See? I'm not father material.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46It's my dad's fault, it's in the genes.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Oh, for God's sake, Lee, stop blaming your dad for everything.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Take some responsibility and do something!
0:28:51 > 0:28:52DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:28:55 > 0:28:56OK.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57I need a weapon.
0:29:04 > 0:29:05Is that it?
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Oh, God, I wish we lived in America!
0:29:09 > 0:29:11What are we going to do? I can't run any more!
0:29:12 > 0:29:13You don't have to.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18We're going to hide you whilst I search for an exit.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Hide me? Where?
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Isn't that too obvious?
0:29:24 > 0:29:28Don't worry, Lucy. It's the last place he'd think of hiding somebody.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30THEY SCREAM
0:29:30 > 0:29:31LIFT BEEPS
0:29:31 > 0:29:33EVERYONE SCREAMS
0:29:33 > 0:29:34HE COCKS GUN
0:29:36 > 0:29:38LIFT BEEPS
0:29:47 > 0:29:49OMINOUS MUSIC
0:29:51 > 0:29:53LIFT MOVING
0:30:04 > 0:30:06I sent the lift up with no-one in it. Fooled him.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Yeah, I expect he'll give up and go home after that one(!)
0:30:16 > 0:30:19What were you thinking, sneaking up on people dressed like that? You idiot!
0:30:19 > 0:30:22You're the idiot. Why the hell did you tell him you could identify him?
0:30:22 > 0:30:24To stop you getting beaten up.
0:30:24 > 0:30:28- Oh, yeah, I much prefer being shot at, you cretin.- There you go.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Stop it. We need to get out of here!
0:30:32 > 0:30:35I've checked, the whole place is in lockdown.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38So what are we going to do? Escape from Psycho Claus up the chimney?
0:30:40 > 0:30:41That's it.
0:30:41 > 0:30:42Remember?
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Last week when Dad got locked in -
0:30:44 > 0:30:47he escaped up the Christmas tree and through a vent.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49You are not serious.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52It'll be fine, Lucy. I promise.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55Why not?! It's all in the birthing plan - drinking liquorice tea,
0:30:55 > 0:30:56rubbing cocoa butter on the bump,
0:30:56 > 0:30:59and climbing a giant bloody Norwegian fir tree
0:30:59 > 0:31:02- while Father Christmas tries to assassinate me with a- BLEEP- shotgun!
0:31:02 > 0:31:04SHOTGUN COCKS LIFT DINGS
0:31:06 > 0:31:07HE SHOUTS
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Hang on. I've got to go back for Anna.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15You're right.
0:31:15 > 0:31:16Good luck.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19No, Toby's right. God knows what he'll do to the others.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21We need to help them.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24How are we supposed to do that?
0:31:24 > 0:31:25I've had an idea.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28But first, we've got to get Lucy to a safe place.
0:31:29 > 0:31:30GASPING
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Does anyone mind if I say a prayer?
0:31:34 > 0:31:36You go ahead, love.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38For what we are about to receive...
0:31:38 > 0:31:39Not that one.
0:31:53 > 0:31:54You'll be safe in here, Lucy.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Yeah, because a grotto full of presents is the last place
0:31:57 > 0:31:59you'd think of running into Father Christmas.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04- What are you doing?- I'm burying him.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06You mean he's dead?
0:32:06 > 0:32:09That's right, Lee, I'm laying this man to his eternal rest
0:32:09 > 0:32:13in a pile of polystyrene shavings in a department store grotto.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15We can't get him up the Christmas tree,
0:32:15 > 0:32:18so the least we can do is hide him while we rescue the others.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21So, go on, then, how exactly are we going to do that?
0:32:21 > 0:32:24- You're going to cause a distraction. - A distraction?
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Why don't I run round and get him to shoot at me(?)
0:32:28 > 0:32:29You've got to be kidding me.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Come on, Lee. You've got this in you, I know you have.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34No, I really haven't, Toby
0:32:34 > 0:32:37This is not what I do. It's not in my DNA.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39You've met my dad, Jean-Claude Van Damn-I've-Wet-Myself.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43Do you know what, Lee? Maybe you're right.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Maybe you are the same as your dad. Maybe it is all in the genes.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Maybe our baby will grow up to be exactly the same, too,
0:32:48 > 0:32:50and, instead of taking any responsibility, will just
0:32:50 > 0:32:53blame you for everything instead.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56You don't have to be the same as your father, Lee.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59Please.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06You're right. I can do this, Lucy.
0:33:06 > 0:33:07For you...
0:33:07 > 0:33:08and our baby.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15And one more thing, Lucy.
0:33:15 > 0:33:16Yeah?
0:33:16 > 0:33:17Vagisil.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22- For the relief of vaginal dryness. - You've made your point.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Well, that's one way to get Santa's attention.
0:33:49 > 0:33:50WHIZZING
0:33:52 > 0:33:53GUN COCKS
0:34:05 > 0:34:07GUN COCKS
0:34:13 > 0:34:14ANNA: What the hell is he doing?
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Maybe him and Toby have got a plan.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Toby is many things, but one thing he is not is the sort of person
0:34:22 > 0:34:25that runs around acting like he's in some sort of movie.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Here's Johnny!
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- FRANK:- I told you these were quality presents.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48Yes, if only you'd wrapped up a couple of helicopters
0:34:48 > 0:34:49and a police SWAT team.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Well, we'll know for next year.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55What on earth are you doing? Forget him.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Well, we can't just leave him here like a sitting duck.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Don't be stupid, Toby.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03- You are leaving him here and you're getting me out.- Oh, shut up, Anna.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05For once in your life, you're doing what I say.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07We are taking the guard, we are hiding him, then we are
0:35:07 > 0:35:10climbing a 50-foot Christmas tree whether you like it or not.
0:35:10 > 0:35:11Do you bloody understand?
0:35:12 > 0:35:15And another thing - I'm not going to your sister's house
0:35:15 > 0:35:17on New Year's Eve. I don't like her and you can't make me.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Ooh!
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Oh, God, please tell me that's trapped wind.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45He'll be safe in there.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47But he can't lock himself in.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49I'll go in and lock it for him.
0:36:37 > 0:36:38PARP!
0:36:38 > 0:36:41'Oh, that was nasty.'
0:36:48 > 0:36:50BULLET RICOCHETS
0:37:00 > 0:37:02I love it when a plan comes together.
0:37:04 > 0:37:05GUNSHOT
0:37:07 > 0:37:08GUNSHOT
0:37:12 > 0:37:13GUNSHOTS
0:37:18 > 0:37:22This is definitely not part of the birthing plan!
0:37:22 > 0:37:24SHE GROANS
0:37:25 > 0:37:28All of you, up the tree, now.
0:37:28 > 0:37:29GUNSHOT
0:37:29 > 0:37:30Me first!
0:37:32 > 0:37:33I know the way.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35It's up, isn't it?
0:37:35 > 0:37:36Yeah.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Remember, just don't look down.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46I'm not planning on looking up, either.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48LEE: I'm going to get Lucy.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50That shutter won't hold him long, so be quick.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52Be quick? That's a good idea.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55I was planning to stop off at the nail salon!
0:37:55 > 0:37:56Come on, Lucy! We're leaving!
0:37:59 > 0:38:00Why is the floor wet?
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Oh, my God!
0:38:03 > 0:38:05- The baby's coming.- Now?- Now.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Now as in right now or as in, "I've just got time to climb a Christmas
0:38:08 > 0:38:11"tree, crawl through an air vent and run across a roof to safety," now?
0:38:11 > 0:38:13RIGHT NOW!
0:38:22 > 0:38:23- TOBY:- Where the hell are they?
0:38:23 > 0:38:25Maybe we should go back for them.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Don't be silly. They'll be fine, I'm telling you.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Our Lee's a very brave lad. He gets it from me.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32GUNSHOT
0:38:32 > 0:38:34AARGH!
0:38:41 > 0:38:42AARGH!
0:38:42 > 0:38:45- What are you doing? - I'm looking for the birthing plan!
0:38:45 > 0:38:49Screw the birthing plan, I'm having a baby!
0:38:49 > 0:38:51SHE SCREAMS
0:38:52 > 0:38:53- FRANK:- This way!
0:38:53 > 0:38:56Wait. We can't just leave them.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58He's your son, Frank.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00Perhaps they've found another way out.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03Come on, Toby. You've got your own son to think of.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Frank's right.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07We need to start thinking about Jack.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Well, I certainly do.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21BABY CRIES
0:39:21 > 0:39:23- It's a boy.- Let me see.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28I believe he's a boy, Lee, let me see his face.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31Oh.
0:39:33 > 0:39:34Hello, my baby.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37GUN COCKS
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Good at remembering faces, are you?
0:39:50 > 0:39:52Well, take one last look at it.
0:39:54 > 0:39:59Oh, actually, it's the left nostril that's bigger. See, terrible memory.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03CLUNK
0:40:06 > 0:40:07THUD
0:40:09 > 0:40:12I couldn't just leave my new grandchild here, could I?
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Let's have a look at him, then.
0:40:15 > 0:40:16Wooargh!
0:40:18 > 0:40:19Oops!
0:40:19 > 0:40:20Sorry, Bill.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22SIRENS WAIL
0:40:22 > 0:40:26MUSIC: Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! by Dean Martin
0:40:28 > 0:40:31# Oh, the weather outside is frightful
0:40:31 > 0:40:34# But the fire is so delightful
0:40:34 > 0:40:36# And since we've no place to go... #
0:40:36 > 0:40:39- TOBY:- OK, that's great. Well, thanks for all your help.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42And merry Christmas to you. Bye.
0:40:43 > 0:40:44BABY GURGLES
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Maybe we should call him Holly.
0:40:48 > 0:40:49It's more of a girl's name.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Snowy?
0:40:51 > 0:40:52It's more of a rabbit's name.
0:40:54 > 0:40:55You were amazing in there.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59You just did it - no hospital, no midwife,
0:40:59 > 0:41:01and, more importantly...
0:41:01 > 0:41:03no birthing plan.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05It was easy.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08I'm thinking of having the next baby in a straitjacket,
0:41:08 > 0:41:12tied up and handcuffed in a barrel whilst going over a waterfall.
0:41:12 > 0:41:13What do you mean "next baby"?
0:41:16 > 0:41:20I better get going. I might still make it to midnight mass.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Does anyone know what time it starts?
0:41:26 > 0:41:29We'd better go, too. We're off to meet Jack.
0:41:29 > 0:41:30I thought he was in Lapland.
0:41:30 > 0:41:33He is. I've booked us on the next flight.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37You should be with your children at Christmas.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39That's something I've realised tonight.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42And I've realised sometimes you have to stand up for yourself...
0:41:42 > 0:41:44Shut up, Toby. We'll miss the plane.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53We owe you everything for what you did in there, Dad.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56Maybe you should have a little bit more faith in those genes.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58I wish I had more faith in these tights.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01I'm surprised the police didn't arrest me for shoplifting baubles.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05I wish there was some way of repaying you.
0:42:05 > 0:42:06BABY FUSSES
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Oh, yeah. Dad?
0:42:11 > 0:42:12Yes, son, what is it?
0:42:12 > 0:42:14Would you do us the honour
0:42:14 > 0:42:17of joining us for Christmas dinner tomorrow?
0:42:17 > 0:42:18Is that it?
0:42:18 > 0:42:20How do you mean?
0:42:20 > 0:42:22I thought you were going to name the baby after me.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25Oh. I'm sorry, Frank.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27We've already decided on Snowy.
0:42:29 > 0:42:30PHONE RINGS
0:42:39 > 0:42:41Forgot I had this.
0:42:46 > 0:42:47BABY FUSSES
0:42:56 > 0:42:59# When we finally kiss good night
0:42:59 > 0:43:02# How I'll hate going out in the storm
0:43:02 > 0:43:06# But if you really grab me tight
0:43:06 > 0:43:09# All the way home I'll be warm
0:43:09 > 0:43:13# Oh, the fire is slowly dying
0:43:13 > 0:43:16# And, my dear, we're still goodbying
0:43:16 > 0:43:20# But as long as you love me so
0:43:20 > 0:43:22# Let it snow
0:43:22 > 0:43:23# Let it snow
0:43:23 > 0:43:27# Let it snow. #