0:00:02 > 0:00:06MUFFLED: # And I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more... #
0:00:06 > 0:00:10I've often fantasised about Lucy having a secret night in with a couple of twins,
0:00:10 > 0:00:12but this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17Why leave it at just my sister? Throw my mum into the mix as well, make it a real family affair.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- In fact, why don't- I- join in? - And cut.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27What you doing?
0:00:27 > 0:00:32If it's a Scottish theme night, I could blacken my teeth and shout fandabidozi.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34I have this effect on women.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37So it's the same even when they're conscious.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Lucy...
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Lucy.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42AH!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Wow. Now that is ear wax.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Never tap a shoulder without establishing auditory contact.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Clearly you haven't read the same Air Force dating manuals I have.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- What's going on?- I'll tell you what's effing going on.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I have to finish this effing presentation for effing Tuesday,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07but the effing bloke upstairs has been playing his effing music
0:01:07 > 0:01:12at this effing volume for the last three effing hours.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14I'm not 100%, but I think she means f...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16# Not going out
0:01:16 > 0:01:17# Not staying in
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:01:20 > 0:01:23# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# We're not going out
0:01:26 > 0:01:30# We are not going out. #
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Sorry!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37..uck.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Someone should say something. - Be careful, I saw him moving
0:01:42 > 0:01:45his stuff in yesterday. He looks a real psycho.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Well, it sounds like he's torturing a couple of Scottish blokes up there.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I'm serious - he could be a serial killer, for all we know.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- What are you talking about? - John Gacy dressed as clown to kill.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Maybe this man works himself up into a frenzy by listening to The Proclaimers.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02And then what - feeds his victims a shortbread biscuit and a can of Irn-Bru?!
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Don't worry, Tim, I'm obviously not expecting YOU to confront him.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Well, just so long as... Sorry, why obviously?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Apart from the fact you are officially Britain's meekest man?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16It's not official, it was just a casual poll in the office.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Is that the same reason you came home from school with a penis drawn on your forehead?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21It was a test-tube.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27It was drawn on to show I was...good at science.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Which kid made you fall for that?
0:02:29 > 0:02:34Mr Jeffries, the PE teacher. If I'm such a wuss, you two can deal with this on your own. I'm going home.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Oi, shut up!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Don't do that! Tim said he looked dangerous.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Tim thinks that anyone north of the M25's dangerous.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47I had to hold his hand when we went to see Cannon and Ball.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Oh!- Lucy!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52You're just as bad as Tim.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- No, I'm not. - So could you pop upstairs and get the noise turned down?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Well, normally I'd be up there like a shot, but I'm just the lodger,
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- so it puts me in a very difficult position legally.- Fine.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07I'LL go. A young woman on her own...
0:03:07 > 0:03:08in the dead of night.
0:03:08 > 0:03:14Confronting a stranger, because the only man of the house won't do it.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18I'll make you a nice cup of tea when you get back.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22It's like rock, paper, scissors, isn't it? I rent, he rents - paper versus paper.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24But you own, he rents -
0:03:24 > 0:03:27scissors versus paper.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29How do you beat someone with paper?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I don't need the full demonstration.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42# ..I'm on my way
0:03:42 > 0:03:45# From misery to happiness today... #
0:03:46 > 0:03:48That's a shame. No-one in.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50DOG BARKS THEN MUSIC STOPS
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- (AGGRESSIVE MALE VOICE:) - Shut up! Shut it!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Get in there!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Looks like I'm not going to be meeting the wife, then.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Hi.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I'm Lee from downstairs.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Just thought I'd pop up and say hello.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Hello!
0:04:15 > 0:04:20Also, I couldn't help but overhear the music and I just wondered
0:04:20 > 0:04:25if there's any chance you might consider turning it down a smidge.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Am I a naughty boy?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Sorry?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Am I a naughty boy? Is that what I am?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46A naughty, naughty boy.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Who needs a spanky bum-bum?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Is that what I need?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57A naughty, naughty...
0:04:59 > 0:05:00..spanky bum-bum?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I... God, no.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10You...you don't need any...bum-bum.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I mean, who am I...?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I know exactly who you are.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18You're downstairs Lee.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I know where you live and everything.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I did say that, didn't I?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26My mistake. I'm actually...
0:05:26 > 0:05:27upstairs Tony.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32Like I say, who am I... to tell you what to do?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Who died and made me God? No-one. No-one died.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Please God, no-one die.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45I come here, interrupting your Scottish theme-based dog obedience classes.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50You play your music as loud as you like, I'm not your mother.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52My mother's dead.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54You don't run a motel with her, do you?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Bye.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- Well done.- Well, huh...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I left him in no doubt about the calibre of man he's dealing with.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11LOUD MUSIC RESUMES
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Oh, the silly sausage -
0:06:15 > 0:06:18he's turned the volume knob the wrong way.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Look, maybe he's not the one with the problem here.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- Meaning it's MY fault? - Yeah...maybe you've got noisy ears.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- Noisy ears? - It's the opposite of deaf.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Right, that's it.
0:06:29 > 0:06:34- What are you doing? - I'm writing him a note saying exactly what I think of him.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36A note? Don't write a note!
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Notes are such petty things, little busybodies covering their fridge in Post-its.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Well, stop using your finger to scoop out the peanut butter.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49- Spoons are for girls. - Do you know how many people are killed each year by e-coli?
0:06:49 > 0:06:511,237.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53How do you know that?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57You wrote it on a note and stuck it on me urine sample.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01No-one in history ever solved anything with a note. Winston Churchill used speeches.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04"We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall never surrender."
0:07:04 > 0:07:07He didn't just leave a little note saying, "could whoever's been doing the fascism
0:07:07 > 0:07:11"please be aware that I complained to Yvonne in Human Resources?"
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Look, will you at least compromise? Just sleep on it.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Where are you going?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22TO BE-E-E-ED!
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Sorry, was that a bit loud? I find it hard to tell with my noisy ears.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Fancy a coffee?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41You seem like you're in a better mood.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Yeah, well, things seem different in the morning.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- See? I told you. - Yeah, especially now I've been upstairs and left him a note.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I'm getting another Post-it for that, aren't I?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- You said you'd sleep on it.- I did.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- I slept on it and then I did it. - That's not what sleep on it means.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Sleep on it means sleep on it, wake up on it, have a bit of breakfast on it, then shower,
0:08:05 > 0:08:11potter round for a while and have a nice long chat with me before doing anything about it...on it!
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- What did you write? - I just said, "Your music is occasionally a little loud,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19"so would you mind turning the volume down to a slightly more acceptable level?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- "..You noisy prick."- God!
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Don't worry, I didn't leave a name. I signed it, "a disgruntled neighbour".
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I'M his neighbour and when I went around to his flat I was disgruntled!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33It's OK, he won't think it was you.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36It's not like I wrote it in crayon and drew on a pair of tits.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Are you afraid he might hurt you?
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Hurt me?! Tim, I'm afraid he might rape me.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57You didn't hear him! "Do I need a spanky bum-bum?"
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I haven't unclenched me cheeks for 24 hours.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04You should slap the ponce.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- What?- Knacker the tart up the old brass monkeys.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Warn him not to squeal to the fuzz.
0:09:14 > 0:09:20- It's street talk.- What street, the street that Chas and Dave live on?
0:09:21 > 0:09:26You wouldn't talk like that to the guys I've been hanging out with. I've started weight training.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I wondered why you were so red and sweaty.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I thought someone had finally told you how babies were made.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I'm sick of you lot calling me a wimp, so I've joined a gym.
0:09:35 > 0:09:41And not one of these modern ones either - a proper boxer's gym... weights, punch bags, skipping ropes.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I bet I can guess which one's your favourite.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- You're a bit self-conscious for stuff like that, aren't you? - No, I'm not.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Tim, you go swimming in a girdle.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54It's not a girdle, it's a lumbar support.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56It makes my spine stronger.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- You should get one yourself, yellow belly.- I'm not a yellow belly.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- In fact, I'm going round to see him again now.- Good for you.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Make sure you mash him up well so the filthy scum don't sing no more.
0:10:06 > 0:10:13If you must know, I'm buying him a house-warming present. I'm a lover, not a fighter.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I wouldn't tell HIM that.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I was examining a mole.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I'd hate to see how you check for testicular cancer.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44All right, I was checking if I was making any progress on my guns.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Guns?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47It's what we call them down the gym.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- What are those?- These?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52These are Russian AK 5mm assault rifles.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57It's what we call them down at the flower arranging class.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- Are they for Mental Micky?- Yeah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Are you trying to shut this bloke up or sleep with him?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Either way, you won't be able to walk afterwards.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- I've just been up to see him, actually, and he didn't lay a finger on me.- Really?
0:11:12 > 0:11:17Yeah...he wasn't in. The woman next door said he wouldn't be back till very late on Sunday night.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Probably digging a grave to go with those flowers.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Who are they for - your boyfriend upstairs?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- You big wuss.- No.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28They're...FROM him.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32For you. I've just been up to see him, have a word with him.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36I said, "My flatmate Lucy's got some important work to do this weekend, so keep the noise down."
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- And what did he say? - He said, "Send my apologies to your flatmate and give her these."
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- What, he'd already bought them? - Well, he upsets a lot of people, he has them ready to go.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52Could have been worse, he could have been really callous and nicked them from the scene of a traffic accident.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54That was ages ago and it was Mother's Day.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Well, it's a start, I suppose.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01At least I can get my work done.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Thanks a lot, it's really appreciated.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Oh, look, they've gone in the bin with the £2 book token, the giant Toblerone
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and the jumbo box of Lil-lets.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16She's difficult to buy for, all right?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- How can you lie like that? - Listen, I did face up to him that first night,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25and if he'd been remotely normal, he'd have turned the volume down.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29That's what should've happened. Is that lying? Saying what should've happened?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Yes. Yes, it is.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Now, if I can just get that note back before he reads it, everything'll be fine.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40And if I wake up tomorrow as a three-foot black midget, I could remake Different Strokes.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43We can easily get it back.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Oh, WE now, is it? You've changed your tune.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48You think you might need these babies to help you out?
0:12:48 > 0:12:53What for? To show him what a sock full of cottage cheese looks like?
0:12:53 > 0:12:58- You're just the lookout.- The lookout? I'm more than the lookout! How many lookouts can do this?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03What am I watching for, exactly?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Give it a minute.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Some people say the nuclear reactor is the most significant invention in human history.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Others the internal combustion engine.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18But these people clearly haven't seen Lee's patent-pending brush your teeth
0:13:18 > 0:13:22while hanging your coat incriminating note removal device.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Yes, well, they laughed at Robert Louis Stevenson when he invented the steam engine.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31I'm not surprised. George Stephenson had invented it two centuries earlier.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Are you nervous? - I'm scared of nothing.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Not surprised. Look at you.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42You're gonna live for ever, you're gonna learn how to fly.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I've come straight from the gym. Anyway, it's important to be ready for action.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51We need to get in, get out, no messing. Bish bosh bang boom. Poof.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Listen to you, Andy Pandy McNab.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- Why does this toothbrush have your name on it?- Lucy wrote it on.- Why?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Cos I sometimes accidentally use hers.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Do you know saliva has more germs in it than urine?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08It would have been less disgusting if you'd weed on it.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I'll pitch it to her.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16This should be a doddle for me. Reminds me of when the fairground used to come to town.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- What, the "hook a duck" stall? - No, I used to break into cars.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25Oh, damn! Lucy's written it on a Post-it note, and it's stuck to the rug.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Stand back. You want a Post-it note unsticking from a rug, leave it to a real man.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Oh, brilliant, you've broke the toothbrush off now, you pillock.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Don't worry, you'll get it back, it's got your name on it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- What are you doing? - I'm cleaning the cupboards out.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55One HobNob at a time.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01We've got to think a way of breaking into his flat and getting that toothbrush and note back, and quick.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05I've got an idea. Bust the skylight, drop down on nylon strings.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Blow the switches, then smack the security guards so hard
0:15:08 > 0:15:11they'll be crapping their own balls out for breakfast.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Thanks, Tom Cruise(!)
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I know how you could break into people's flats.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21Get a locksmith to open the door for you, pretend that you live there and you've locked yourself out.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- That'll never work. - Well, that's where you're wrong.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29You see, I used to have this friend and she used to use this trick loads.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31You see a long time ago, my...friend
0:15:31 > 0:15:35was going out with this guy, but he kept pretending that she wasn't,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38so she had to follow him everywhere he went just to remind him.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40You mean she was stalking him.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44No, it was not stalking. That's all just double standards, isn't it?
0:15:44 > 0:15:49If a man pursues a woman that's romance, but if my...friend pursues a man
0:15:49 > 0:15:51and perhaps sneaks into his flat
0:15:51 > 0:15:54and leaves the odd surprise love note in places
0:15:54 > 0:15:59like the bathroom cabinet saying things like, "I'm watching you."
0:15:59 > 0:16:04Then the courts say, "Oh, you're a dangerous, obsessive, Barbara."
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I mean Mrs Barbara.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Mrs Hannah Barbara.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Anyway, the point is it works, trust me.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Even with the restraining order.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Can't believe I'm taking advice from Barbara.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28The woman who puts ant powder down the toilet in case they evolve.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Hello.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33You the, er, guy that's locked himself out?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Yeah. I was, er, chasing after my friend here and the door swung to.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42As you can see, he's barely got the mind of a three-year-old and I was halfway through dressing him.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44It's his first day in big boy pants.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48OK, no worries, I'll get you in.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Yeah. That door's triple locked all the way down.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I've got just the thing for this.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Wait here a sec.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59So, once again I'm the patsy.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Don't be silly, I see you more as a Gladys.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Is that right? Maybe I should start moving this whole body building thing up a gear.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08What's that supposed to mean?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Some of the guys at the gym tell me there's a few things I can do to help my progress.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Give nature a little helping hand.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17What you gonna do? Leave the bag in your fruit infusion a bit longer.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- You're not talking about steroids, are you?- Maybe.- Tim, are you mental?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- I had a mate who took those and ended up in hospital. - What type were they?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28The type that made him grow an extra penis on his back.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- Anabolic?- No, just a penis.
0:17:33 > 0:17:40God, look at us! You considering steroids, me attempting to break into a flat for an old toothbrush.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Oh, yeah, what are we doing?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Come on. Let's go home, pretend none of this ever happened.
0:17:52 > 0:17:58Just needed to get a run up. You see, I could have picked it, but it would have taken ages
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and, er, what with your friend being a nugget short of a Happy Meal...
0:18:01 > 0:18:05just thought, better get you in.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08There you go, big fella.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Huggies Pully-Up Pants...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12You're a big boy now.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- We're gonna have to leave town. - You can't spend your life running.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31That's rich coming from a man dressed as a Duracell bunny.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I'm not scared, I can be tough when I need to.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37After I've spoken to him, he'll know I'm connected.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40What to, broadband?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I've got an idea.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- What the hell did you do that for?! - I'm burgling him.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Oh, I see you're burgling him, that makes so much sense now.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Just one question to clarify, what the hell did you do that for?
0:19:00 > 0:19:04The only explanation for the door is a break-in. I'm making it look convincing.
0:19:04 > 0:19:10Yobs want money for drugs, they trash the place, then off they go to spank the dragon.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16Sorry, am I supposed to be picturing drugs, joy riding or wanking?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Have you got any better ideas, hey? Come on, I'm listening.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26We could have said we smelled gas and we smashed his door down to stop his flat exploding.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Oh, yes, I suppose that could work.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33Well, not now, what kind of gas explosion makes just the telly smash?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Maybe it happened on Ready, Steady, Cook.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Oh, well...
0:19:39 > 0:19:44as my old man used to say, "If you can't beat 'em, what's the point in having grandchildren?"
0:19:53 > 0:19:56It was quite exhilarating, wasn't it? I've never felt so alive.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Yeah, don't get used to it, he's back soon.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Don't worry we'll get away with it. - Do you reckon?- Of course.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05He comes home, "Oh, my door!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07"What's happened? I've been broken into."
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Yeah, could have been anyone.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- It's a completely random burglary, isn't it?- Course it is.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15In a secure block.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Ten floors up.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19In broad daylight.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Where the only person affected is the nutter that's fallen out with the downstairs neighbour.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Tonight on a very, very short episode of Columbo.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Still, as long as the burglars were wearing gloves.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, God, we're going to prison.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43- I don't want to go down.- Don't worry, some days it might just be cuddling.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- I've got it.- Hit me! Don't hit me.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51- We'll rob every other flat in the block.- I've changed my mind, hit me.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54That way the neighbour won't think he's been singled out.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56We can't rob 60 flats, we've barely managed one.
0:20:56 > 0:21:03- Well, we'll just do one or two. - Like who's?- Mrs Evans downstairs. - She's 80 and partially blind.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Exactly, how's she gonna catch us?
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- We'll do the new couple of the fifth floor.- They've got three children under six.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11They'll never notice the difference.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Well, we've got to think of something. He's gonna kill me!
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Well, let him come, we'll gut him like a fish.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I'll use that nice John Lewis de-scaling knife I gave you for Christmas.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Oh, that was a fish de-scaler, was it?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27No wonder it didn't clean the kettle.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Hang on,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I suppose there is one flat we can burgle.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Brilliant! Then no-one'll know it was us.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51The one time.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Right, we can't be the ones to discover this, so we'll come back in an hour.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- Barbara, you'd better go too. - Why do I need to leave?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I want people to think that we've been robbed, not that you've just done a double shift.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13And don't forget when we get back the police might be there, so you've got to act surprised.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17So, now you want me to act. Well, if we're gonna be a bunch of girls about this,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20why don't we put our hair in pigtails and wear flouncy white dresses(?)
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Because it's not your 25th birthday party again.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26It was an Alice in Wonderland theme and I am not that guy any more.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31Tell me about it. The last few days has been like watching Richard Briers murder a hooker.
0:22:31 > 0:22:37Right, show me your best surprised face - you've just found out you're the victim of burglary.
0:22:39 > 0:22:45I said burglary not buggery. Try and be Method about it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Remember the last time you found a hole in one of your socks.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Perfect.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- Now, what did you do with them? - I was up half the night with a darning needle.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I mean the toothbrush and the note.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- What do you mean what did- I- do with them? I thought you picked them up.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06Tim, are you telling me we did a pretend burglary for nothing?
0:23:06 > 0:23:07No.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10We did two pretend burglaries for nothing.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Oh, God, he's gonna kill us when we get back.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18I was thinking of going straight back to my place once I've finished this drink.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- Oh, here we go. Leave me to face him, you gutless wimp.- You what?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24This is your fault for smashing up his telly.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28- I'll smash you up in a minute. - Go on then.- I said, "In a minute."
0:23:30 > 0:23:35Yeah, you can talk the talk and you can walk the walk, but can you...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38talk and walk?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Right, I've had enough of this.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Sounds like my wimpiness needs a helping hand.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Are they steroids?- Yeah, I got them from the bloke at the gym.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- They're gonna be like Energon to the Terrorsaur.- What?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Transformers, from the original TV series.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Not the film, that was a disappointment.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Don't be an idiot.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Oh, you're gonna stop me, are you? Well, if you fancy your chances, bring on the thunder, little man.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03TIM COUGHS
0:24:03 > 0:24:08I usually crush up my tablets and have them with a spoonful of raspberry jam.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Lucy?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Lucy?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Evening.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Well, that's nailed my surprise face.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38How did you get in here?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Did you just smash the door down, huh...?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Cos if you did that would be perfectly acceptable and understandable between neighbours.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Have you got something to say to me,
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Lee from downstairs?
0:24:52 > 0:24:59- Please, call me upstairs Tony. - That's right, I keep forgetting.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Maybe I should write it down on a little note.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Or maybe...
0:25:05 > 0:25:07a toothbrush.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Probably not a good idea.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14It might get nicked and placed at the scene of a crime that...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17you couldn't possibly have committed.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Oh, look, ha...
0:25:19 > 0:25:21we've been burgled too.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24If you have... I wouldn't know.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Do you know what I'm gonna do with you?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I'm gonna cut your knob off
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and staple it to your head,
0:25:32 > 0:25:36so everyone'll know you're a dickhead.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I could just tell them.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44You're a dead man.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I take it you found some raspberry jam then.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54How many of those bloody things did you take?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Let's just say there's a Bulgarian weightlifter somewhere who can't lift a feather.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02I knew you wouldn't let me down. What are friends for? Come here.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17I can't believe you stood up to the neighbour like that.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18I just saw red.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Especially after I caught him trashing the flat like that.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I told you you shouldn't have left that note.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Tim just ran off and left you to face him alone?
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Yeah, don't mention it to him - he's very embarrassed about it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35To be fair, he had to run off the side effects of those drugs.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40- What side effects? - Well, let's just say those Huggies pants came in handy.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44What was he thinking about taking steroids?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48The closest Tim's ever been to drugs was when he snorted half a tub of baking powder.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- Did he think it was cocaine? - Oh, no, he knew what it was.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57He inhaled it accidentally when he was making a Victoria sponge for his Duke of Edinburgh Award.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Oh, you poor thing. Did he do anything else to you or was it just the black eye?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Actually, he kneed me between the legs.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I'll get some more ice.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I still can't believe he moved out, you must have really frightened him.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Well, I grew up on a very tough Northern estate
0:27:14 > 0:27:16and if there's one thing that taught me,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19it's how to make people an offer they can't refuse.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21What, everything for a pound?
0:27:21 > 0:27:26You can laugh, but I think it's safe to say that's the last we've seen of our noisy little neighbour.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:36 > 0:27:39E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk