0:00:03 > 0:00:05One hundred and eighty.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09# If the lady wants a baby I'm the cock of the north. #
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Not you.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18One hundred and eighty!
0:00:18 > 0:00:24Who said this is a game just for mentally challenged, toothless alcoholics?
0:00:27 > 0:00:28One hundred and eighty!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Like watching an early Cliff Lazarenko
0:00:31 > 0:00:36when he knocked Keith Deller out of the World Match Play 1984.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37What you doing?
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Trying to write a speech that I've got to make in less than 72 hours
0:00:41 > 0:00:46to about 1,000 people. But, hey, tell me more about Cliff Lazarenko.
0:00:46 > 0:00:53- In 1976...- Listen! It's not just any speech but the Employment and Recruitment Federation's
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- bi-annual trade conference! - Say it again, you dirty bitch.
0:00:57 > 0:01:03There's gonna be loads of important contacts there...get this right, I could clean up.
0:01:05 > 0:01:12Not getting too technical for you, are we? Come in the kitchen, I'll explain what cleaning up means.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# We're not going out
0:01:21 > 0:01:22# Not staying in
0:01:22 > 0:01:25# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:01:25 > 0:01:29# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:01:29 > 0:01:32# We're not going out
0:01:32 > 0:01:35# We are not going out. #
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Sorry!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Ladies and gentlemen, when people hear the phrase,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46recruitment consultant, what do they think of?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Black clouds?
0:01:47 > 0:01:55Dark foggy nights in a graveyard, dead puppies, EastEnders.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58A faceless Mr X on the end of the phone,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02promising to find Mr Y, but actually delivering Mr Z.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Have you been eating my alphabetti spaghetti?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I see the Daleks finally met their match.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- Toilet's blocked. - Why can't you do it?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- I'm a cleaner, not a plumber. - I'm a lover, not a fighter.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- You, a lover?- You, a cleaner? - Who's gonna end up doing it?
0:02:22 > 0:02:29Same person who does everything else, speech writing, bill paying, telephone answering...muggins!
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I wondered who'd been doing all those muggings.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Roll on tomorrow. - Why, what's happening?
0:02:37 > 0:02:42- I've got a new PA joining me... Leslie.- Ooh! Hello.- A bloke.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Ooh, goodbye.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45MOBILE RINGS
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Ah...talk of the devil. Hello, I was just talking about you.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54You're such a cheeky little boy, Leslie, I'll have to put you over my knee.
0:02:54 > 0:03:00You have to be much stricter than that with cheeky little boys. Try punching him in the face.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- What? You can't do that to me. - Now what's he suggesting?
0:03:04 > 0:03:10- I don't care if you've found another position. - Ah! I know which one he means.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Tell him you've always found it unhygienic.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- You cannot pull out on me like that. - Make your mind up, love.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19He's got another job.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I'll never get this speech written. I wanna kill myself.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27That's an awful thing to say, I had aunt who killed herself.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Sorry.- That's OK I never met her.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Well, there goes my theory.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40Missed your chance there, didn't you? Lucy's stressed, needs a PA...
0:03:40 > 0:03:4470% of marriages start with an office romance, you know.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- My first love was a work colleague. - What was his name...Mr Sheen?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Close...it was Barry.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Do you get it...Barry Sheen? Yeah.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00Me and Barry used to work together, at B&Q, in Dagenham.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05- Carry on, Emily Bronte, I'm welling up.- At first I wasn't interested,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08but then I needed some help in the bathroom department.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13That's not a euphemism. Anyway they sent Barry over, he was brilliant,
0:04:13 > 0:04:17really helped me out in a tight spot. That's not either.
0:04:17 > 0:04:23- I soon saw what an honest, hard-working bloke he was. - How long were you together?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- Not long, he got sacked for nicking a claw hammer. - Is it really 70%?
0:04:27 > 0:04:33- Yes. If an innocent man hadn't been condemned, we'd be together now. - How do you know he was innocent?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Cos- I- nicked it.
0:04:36 > 0:04:42He was beautiful, Barry, had a unique knowledge of the Sanderson U-bend system...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44all right, that one was a euphemism.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Thanks for helping me with this speech, Tim, I'm absolutely snowed under at the moment.
0:04:53 > 0:04:59- It's OK, what are big brothers for? - Crying to Mum that I broke his Scalextric set.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Leave it out, that was months ago!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Sorry for spoiling your day out, Daisy.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08It was only the aquarium, I don't really like it, anyway.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I don't think fish should be kept in cages.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Right! Done it.
0:05:13 > 0:05:18- Let's hear it then.- Ladies and gentlemen, I know you're thinking,
0:05:18 > 0:05:23"Who's this silly little girl who hasn't got the financial back-up
0:05:23 > 0:05:28"or the brainpower to compete in this competitive world of head-hunting?"
0:05:28 > 0:05:32But I've got something that puts me ahead of you bigger companies
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- and do you know what that something is? I'm cheap.- Oh, God.
0:05:36 > 0:05:43- Barbara, be a love, and get me that bottle of Semillon.- You don't need alcohol, but a lovely massage
0:05:43 > 0:05:50- from your aunty Barbara.- The thought of Barbara rubbing me down would eradicate any thoughts of Semillon.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Thank you.
0:05:53 > 0:05:59Lucy, I've been thinking, I don't really like seeing you with so much on... I mean work.
0:05:59 > 0:06:06- So I thought maybe I could be your PA.- You?- Yeah. I could help you with all sorts of things,
0:06:06 > 0:06:12- like that speech.- What do you know about speeches?- I know they have to be funny for a start.
0:06:12 > 0:06:18I did a best man's speech once, which started off with a friendly dig at the Master of Ceremonies.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19What did you say?
0:06:19 > 0:06:25"That's an interesting face... what do you do for a hobby, step on rakes?"
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- That's funny. ..Were you there, Tim? - Oh, I was there all right.
0:06:30 > 0:06:37- Were you the master of...?- Yes. - I might use that.- Here's another... I said to this bloke,
0:06:37 > 0:06:43"Where you from?" He said, "Southampton." I said, "Sorry," he said, "Southampton."
0:06:43 > 0:06:48- I said, "No, I heard you, I'm just sorry."- That's good!
0:06:48 > 0:06:54You were lucky with that one because what if he hadn't have said Southampton?
0:07:01 > 0:07:07Here's another one. Ladies and gentlemen, to give you some insight into how nervous
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I've been about this speech, this is the fifth time
0:07:10 > 0:07:15today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18You can do the one about the horse with the long face.
0:07:18 > 0:07:25The one where his face is long because he's a horse, it's not because he's sad or anything.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26It's so funny.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Thanks for helping me with all this, Lee, it's great stuff.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37I can be quite helpful if you gave me the chance.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Go on, what have you got to lose?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- You weren't sure about me before you hired me.- Shush, Barbara.
0:07:43 > 0:07:50- OK, a one-week trial.- You won't regret this, I'll bring dedication, effort and efficiency to this job.
0:07:50 > 0:07:56- That's a good one, get that one down.- I'll prove to you that I'm the best PA since...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Who was a really good PA?
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Oh, erm, oh, what's his name... from The A-Team.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06PA, er, Baracus.
0:08:14 > 0:08:21Good morning, Miss Adams. OK, just to brief you, you've got a nine o'clock with Mr Havashitski,
0:08:21 > 0:08:27an 11.30 brunch with Mr Clackettyflaps, then a conference call with Jeffrey Twotits.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Don't forget it's your husband's birthday today.
0:08:31 > 0:08:38Shall I book you a table or are we going to be tied up this evening?
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Why are you dressed like that? - Like what?
0:08:42 > 0:08:47- Like an uncle who's up on charges. - I thought it was good to make an effort...
0:08:47 > 0:08:52- first impressions are everything. - My first impression of you was over a year ago.
0:08:52 > 0:08:59- And no suit is ever going to erase the memory of that.- There's nothing wrong with eating Sugar Puffs
0:08:59 > 0:09:03in your Speedos. Anyway not your first impressions, your clients.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- You're not meeting the clients. - What am I going to be doing?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- To start with you can make me a cup of tea.- Make you a cup of tea?! - It's not a problem, is it?
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Can't we pretend I'm making you one just to be nice?
0:09:16 > 0:09:22- If you like. Well, go on then. - I haven't offered yet.- Hurry up,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I've got other things I want you to pretend you want to do.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31I'm doing a mailshot so I need you to put these letters into these
0:09:31 > 0:09:36- envelopes and put a stamp on each one. Well?- I'm making a cup of tea.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41Have you heard of multitasking? It's like when you're watching
0:09:41 > 0:09:44television and you're playing with your tackle.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49You want me to make you a cup of tea and play with my tackle?
0:09:49 > 0:09:54I really am overdressed, aren't I? Should have come in a boiler suit with little black arrows on it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:10- Who are these people we're meeting? - We? You're staying in the car. They're potential new clients
0:10:10 > 0:10:16from a company that makes blackcurrant juice. I really hope it comes off.
0:10:16 > 0:10:22The deal, not the blackcurrant juice. I'm tired of being a small operation - that's why
0:10:22 > 0:10:27I need this speech to go well tomorrow. God, it's making me feel sick.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32- It's the chicken and egg thing. - You think it wasn't cooked properly?
0:10:32 > 0:10:38Perceived as a small business with no staff, you'll struggle to get new clients.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43That's why you should take your PA into this meeting. It's about image.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47I never thought I'd be taking advice on image from a man who
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- wears slippers in the street. - Called Ugg boots, actually.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Makes you look like you've got dementia.
0:10:53 > 0:11:00- Well?- OK, you can come into this meeting, but please, please...- What?
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- You know that expression, just be yourself?- Yes.- Don't.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16We've been let down so many times by our current recruitment agency,
0:11:16 > 0:11:21- we thought it was time we sniffed around.- Well, sniff away.
0:11:25 > 0:11:31- Ah, here's my PA.- I told John to wait in the High Street.- Who's John?
0:11:32 > 0:11:39- Your driver.- Oh, sorry... John, I thought you said Keith.
0:11:39 > 0:11:45Basically, Lucy, we're an expanding business and we need lots and lots of roles filling.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47So catering people then?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Mainly marketing.- Right.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Oh, that reminds me, Brian phoned an hour ago.
0:11:54 > 0:12:01- Brian?- Marketing Brian, putting feelers out for a new position. He's a massive fan of blackcurrants.
0:12:01 > 0:12:07- And what kind of salary would he be looking for?- Erm...- 15.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- Is that all?- That's a month.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- That's quite a lot. - Well, he's the best.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Wasn't easy poaching a man like that away from Ribena.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21He was on a good deal, and got good discount on the damaged cartons.
0:12:21 > 0:12:29- Lee, could you pop back? I've left my phone at the f...office. - The f...office is miles away.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34- Please, it's really important. - OK... I won't be long, I'll zoom back in the car.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39You don't need these... John the driver's got his own set.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Actually, I might be a bit longer.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Those arses don't photocopy themselves.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- Are you sure you won't have just one more?- Oh, I'm fine, I'm driving.
0:12:55 > 0:13:02Not the car obviously...that's John's job. I mean, I'm playing golf.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04What do you play off?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Grass.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Are you OK?- Yeah...
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I told you not to get John that convertible.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20What's that smell?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- What smell?- Like a wet sheep.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24It's me Ugg boots.
0:13:24 > 0:13:31Lucy, we need to wrap things up here, but we've been very impressed with your pitch today.
0:13:31 > 0:13:37- We'd be keen to meet up again and hear more about what you have to offer.- Oh, great!
0:13:37 > 0:13:42Lucy's making a big speech about her company tomorrow, you should come and hear it.
0:13:42 > 0:13:49Sometimes I wish a great big hole would just open up and then it does and it's your mouth.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- OK, it's a date. - Best thing I've heard since, "I have a dream."
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- As good as Martin Luther King? - I meant Abba.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09It's good they're coming to your speech, it'll help get the contract.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Not your decision, you're just the PA.
0:14:12 > 0:14:18Maybe if we really use our imagination we could pretend I'm a human being.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22If I had that sort of imagination I'd be the next Terry Pratchett.
0:14:22 > 0:14:28- Forget it, just make me a cup of tea. - No.- Sorry?- It's not my job to make cups of tea.
0:14:28 > 0:14:35- A PA's supposed to take dictation. - OK, you ready? "Dear Lee, make me a cup of tea or you're sacked."
0:14:35 > 0:14:41You're too late, I'm resigning. Good luck with your speech cos you'll be writing that on your own.
0:14:41 > 0:14:47I'm capable of coming up with my own witty and intelligent remarks you...knob.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52- This is unfair dismissal. - You resigned!- I retract! - Already accepted!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- Give me me job back then sack me otherwise I'm suing.- For what?
0:14:56 > 0:15:02For sexual harassment in the workplace. I've seen you ogling me when I'm working.
0:15:02 > 0:15:08Don't be ridiculous...working? This is about you having to take orders from a lady.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Don't be ridiculous...lady! - That's it, isn't it?
0:15:11 > 0:15:16That's like saying I won't take orders from Hitler cos I don't like his moustache.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20You won't take orders from me cos you think I'm like Hitler?
0:15:20 > 0:15:24I won't take orders from you cos I don't like your moustache!
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Thanks for helping me with the speech. Again.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39That's all right I'm used to being second choice - ask Dad.
0:15:39 > 0:15:46- He doesn't like me more.- He used to watch you playing football and refer to you as the son he never had.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51I'd stand there hoping he'd say I was good at something, but it never happened.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Not even when I won that synchronised skipping rosette. I've always been a letdown in Dad's eyes.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Well, I hope you're getting all this down, it's a real feel-good opener.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04I've taken onboard what you wanted. I've thrown in a few funnies.
0:16:04 > 0:16:11Barbara, you might wanna listen to this. A lot of people say to me
0:16:11 > 0:16:17"Lucy, how did you get involved in head-hunting?" I say it's to do with my education -
0:16:17 > 0:16:20when that went wrong, I ended up in head-hunting.
0:16:20 > 0:16:27They're expecting Lucy to say her education was good, but...those flowers are wilting.
0:16:27 > 0:16:33- Well, they weren't before you started that joke.- Not as good as Lee's ideas, then.
0:16:33 > 0:16:39- Lee's stuff's just a bit more...edgy. - I can do edgy, look at the speech I did at Mum's birthday.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Tim, you made a safety announcement about fire exits.
0:16:42 > 0:16:49There were a lot of candles on that cake. How about this? People say to me, how did you get involved
0:16:49 > 0:16:55in head-hunting? I say it was either that or start smoking crack, you bunch of Muppets.
0:16:55 > 0:17:02- You got sacked, then.- I didn't get sacked, I resigned. Fetch this, she treated me like a dog.
0:17:02 > 0:17:08- Why don't you just sit down with her and sort it out?- Cos I'm not allowed on the sofa.
0:17:08 > 0:17:15- After Barry there was this other fellow at B&Q.- You got through a few...did they come flat-packed?
0:17:15 > 0:17:21Jimmy was the fork-lift truck driver at the warehouse. He got sacked as well.
0:17:21 > 0:17:27- Why, what did you steal this time? - Nothing apart from his heart... and some shelving brackets.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32But he didn't give up like Barry, if he hadn't fought for his job back,
0:17:32 > 0:17:39we wouldn't have had that glorious summer making love in aisle 14 of fencing and corrugated roofing.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Lucy, can I have a word in private?
0:17:44 > 0:17:49- Do you mind?- Sure, if you need me I'll have my head in the oven.
0:17:49 > 0:17:54- Only for a couple of minutes. - I'll use the microwave.- Well?
0:17:54 > 0:18:02- I wanna say sorry about yesterday. - What for, saying I was a member of the Nazi youth?
0:18:02 > 0:18:08- I never said youth.- Don't push it. - For inviting those women to the conference.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I only did it cos I know you're gonna make a great speech.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Can I have me job back?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Please.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18OK.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21MICROWAVE PINGS
0:18:21 > 0:18:28If you do what I say and stop arguing with me. You're on a yellow card, another one and you're off.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33If you got a yellow card on a different day you wouldn't be off,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35it's only on the same day. Oh, referee!
0:18:35 > 0:18:42- It's a dry-cleaning ticket, I need you to pick up my dress for the big speech.- I could have picked it up.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Go with him, keep an eye on him.
0:18:45 > 0:18:51- Don't patronise me, Lucy, I'm not a child.- Do you want to go or not? - OK, but I'm holding the ticket.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Better check they've cleaned it properly.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Did your mum ever tell you it was rude to grab?
0:19:03 > 0:19:09- Did your mum ever tell you who your real father was?- Mr Snatchy! - Who's he, an Italian waiter?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- Give it back!- I'm her brother, it's my responsibility.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- I'm her PA, it's my responsibility. - It's my responsibility!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26There you go, it's your responsibility.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- You look nice.- Yeah, why don't you go like that?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Where's my dress?
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Tim's got it.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Oh, look...- What the hell have you been doing this time, you cretin?
0:19:53 > 0:19:58I've got to leave in half an hour, this is the only nice dress I own.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I know, that's why I used my initiative and bought you a new one.
0:20:02 > 0:20:08- You bought it, did you? - All right, just cos you've got a Dorothy Perkins loyalty card.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16- Who chose that?- Him.- Him. All right, me.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Oh, God, not the piano wire.
0:20:22 > 0:20:29Oh, my God, it's actually OK. In fact, it's more than OK, it's nicer than the other one.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- So what's with the face?- Sorry, my brain can't work out
0:20:33 > 0:20:36what the biggest emotion is... pleasure or shock.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40This is giving Lee an image of the last time he had sex.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45- Yes! I love it. - Well, there's that image gone.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Oh, my God, it fits as well.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Oh, this is perfect, thanks.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00You can't see anything, can you, under the dress?
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- How do you mean? - It's just that it's a bit clingy, so, you know.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- What?- I've had to go commando.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11You've got a knife under there?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Think of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20An ice pick?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I've got no underwear on.
0:21:26 > 0:21:32Excuse me, mate, are these your eyeballs? I found them in my sister's cleavage.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35OK, put them back where you found them.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- Have you got your speech? - Thanks for helping me with this.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44It's all right, you can repay me with a Christmas boner...bonus!
0:21:44 > 0:21:50- God, I'm nervous.- Why don't I come with you? Bit of brotherly support.
0:21:50 > 0:21:56- When you're going down in flames you can look at Tim and know your life's not so bad.- Exactly.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- OK, why not?- And what about your speech writer?
0:22:02 > 0:22:07I'm sure Oscar Wilde was invited to the premier of...stuff he wrote.
0:22:07 > 0:22:13I could stay and go through your potential client list. Use my charms to set up some new deals.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Get your jacket - you're coming too. - OK.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I'm wearing pants, is that OK?
0:22:23 > 0:22:29No-one can deny it's been a very successful few years for our industry.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34If you were to take the turnover from all our members and allowing for inflation,
0:22:34 > 0:22:40turn it into a straightforward profit and loss graph since 2004,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43it would show one simple thing...
0:22:43 > 0:22:49What, that you haven't got a girlfriend? What kind of boring old tosspot wants to listen
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- to a speech about graphs and inflation?- Stop it.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- I was just saying... - Hang on, this is interesting.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02No industry can sustain itself without bringing in new blood.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06And tonight I'm delighted to be able to introduce to you
0:23:06 > 0:23:10one of these new kids on the block.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Ladies and gentlemen, Lucy Adams.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26Thank you, and thank you, Peter McMillan, our chairman and host.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Looking at Peter, it begs the question, doesn't it,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36what do you do for a hobby, step on rakes?
0:23:41 > 0:23:47So, hello, let's meet the crowd.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Where are you from, sir?- Bristol.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- Pardon.- Bristol.- No, I'm heard you, I'm just...pardon.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03You'll have to excuse me - I'm actually a bit nervous.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07To give you some insight into how nervous I've been about the speech,
0:24:07 > 0:24:13this is the fifth time tonight I've been to the toilet, I mean, risen from the toilet.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Anyway, I've been absolutely...
0:24:17 > 0:24:20shitting myself!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28This isn't exactly going to plan, is it?
0:24:28 > 0:24:34You're probably thinking, "Who is this silly little girl?"
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Well, let me tell you, this silly little girl
0:24:37 > 0:24:41has got something that puts me ahead of you bigger companies.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44And do you know what that something is? I'm cheap!
0:24:50 > 0:24:55A lot of people ask me how I ever got involved in head-hunting,
0:24:55 > 0:25:01I'll tell you. It was all to do with my education. When that went wrong, I ended up in head-hunting.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10You're too kind.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14What?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Sweet Fanny Adams.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30Did you hear about the horse with the long face?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41What a day!
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Yeah, I've seen it all now. Could have been worse -
0:25:45 > 0:25:50at least you didn't start firing ping pong-balls into the crowd.
0:25:55 > 0:26:02- What did your blackcurrant women have to say?- They thought I'd done it deliberately for effect.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04They said I had balls.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Maybe I didn't see it all. So did you get the contract?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Yes, no thanks to you.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17- Still, at least we've all learnt a lesson.- And what's that?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20You've learnt not to employ your flatmate again.
0:26:20 > 0:26:26I've learnt I'm not cut out to be a PA, and Tim's learnt a new word, Brazilian.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Fancy a cup of tea?
0:26:32 > 0:26:33OK, why not?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Make it yourself.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41# We're not going out
0:26:41 > 0:26:42# Not staying in
0:26:42 > 0:26:45# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# We're not going out... #
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:26:55 > 0:26:57E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk