0:00:02 > 0:00:08- What's the problem?- Let's just say she needs a little tender, loving care.
0:00:08 > 0:00:14Maybe I should book her in for an all-over chassis massage and a Brazilian muffler wax.
0:00:14 > 0:00:19Not all women think of their cars as teddy bears, so why don't you tell me what the problem is?
0:00:19 > 0:00:22The distribution bolt has developed an influx
0:00:22 > 0:00:29- with the mainstay capacitor...- Well, just don't hurt her, that's all.
0:00:29 > 0:00:34- You remind me of my sister. - Why, does she feel like slitting her wrists
0:00:34 > 0:00:39- every time her car breaks down as well?- No, she's dead.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45She was a political activist who opposed our brutal government.
0:00:45 > 0:00:51- One day, she mysteriously went through the windscreen of her car.- I'm really sorry.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Your face reminds me of hers.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- Sorry, do you mean...? - Before the accident.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05# Yeah, not going out
0:01:05 > 0:01:07# Not staying in
0:01:07 > 0:01:09# Just hangin' around with my head in a spin
0:01:09 > 0:01:12# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:01:12 > 0:01:16# We're not going out
0:01:16 > 0:01:21# We are not going out. #
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Sorry!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Hello.- Nothing... I mean, hello.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33What are you looking at?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Owls.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37It's half past 12 in the afternoon.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Yeah, shouldn't you still be in bed?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I'm wasted, doing this job.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44That explains a lot.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Oh, look, the owl is rubbing sun cream on her breasts.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56They burn easily, owls. That's why most of them come out at night.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- So where have you been? - The garage.- Again?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01It's the fourth time this week.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Someone's got to make sure my car's in proper working order.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09- Why can't you do it? You're from the North.- Some people find that kind of stereotyping
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- quite offensive, you know. - OK, nick one for her instead.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- You need a man in your life, don't you?- No.- Don't worry.
0:02:19 > 0:02:25- I'm not worried.- You know, you're exactly the same as me. - All right, maybe a little worried.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29We wake up in the morning looking for a man, and then we realise all
0:02:29 > 0:02:35the good ones are taken...and all the single ones are no good.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Well, maybe I'm not going to be single for much longer.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Anyway, I'm just going to go to the bathroom.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Sorry, just to be clear, THAT meant that I understood about you wanting
0:02:51 > 0:02:54to talk about the new boyfriend thing. I am not taking drugs.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01- It's not a boyfriend, it's...complicated. - Not a girlfriend, is it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- No.- You could have given me a few seconds longer.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Carry on.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10There's a mechanic at the garage. He's called Pavlov.
0:03:10 > 0:03:16- I know him.- Do you?- Yeah, when I ring the bell on the ice-cream van, he starts salivating.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Well, anyway, the first time I went in, we got talking
0:03:18 > 0:03:22and he started telling me things, pretty much his whole life story.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Ah, how lovely, and all for just £145 an hour plus VAT.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30He's not like that, he's a genuine hard-working, honest guy.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32And he's definitely a mechanic?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36He is now. In his home country, he was a playwright and an actor, but he's not
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- been able to do that for a very long time.- Well, it's getting the parts, innit?
0:03:42 > 0:03:47So, er, why's he stopped the acting? Getting on a bit, is he, losing his looks?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50No. He's only in this thirties, and he's fairly attractive.
0:03:50 > 0:03:56The problem is, he's a political refugee. He's been arrested, imprisoned, tortured.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Some of his close family have even gone missing.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01How attractive?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Almost as attractive as you, but obviously not as sensitive.
0:04:05 > 0:04:11- He wants to stay here for good, but it looks like he's going to be deported.- Oh.
0:04:11 > 0:04:17Is that it? "Oh?" A man is gonna be shipped back to face a lifetime of persecution,
0:04:17 > 0:04:22- a man who lives and works in our street. Doesn't that bother you? - No, there's always Kwik-Fit.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Lucy, we can't do anything.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Well, maybe- I- can.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30He needs to get married, and I've said I might do it.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Have you told Dad? - It's nothing to do with Dad, or you.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- Why did you tell them to come round? - I thought they could talk some sense into you.
0:04:43 > 0:04:49Why don't they make Polo holes big enough so you can put your tongue right through?
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Just try and concentrate on what the taller one's saying.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58Lucy, what happens when you do meet the right person, one day, and you wanna get married for real?
0:04:58 > 0:05:03Yeah, the newspaper boy smiles at you, why don't you marry him? If he was your husband,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- I wouldn't have to give him a tip every Christmas.- Tip?
0:05:06 > 0:05:11- I remember when tangerines were considered a treat.- I know all of this sounds crazy,
0:05:11 > 0:05:17- but wait until you meet him and hear his stories. He's had it really tough.- We've all had it tough.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- He's been tortured. - We've all been tortured.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25My mum was pretty strict.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27She didn't attach electric wires to your testicles.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30All right, she never actually switched it on.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36What is your problem? I can understand Mary Whitehouse here
0:05:36 > 0:05:38getting on his high horse, because he's family.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I can think of worse women to be compared to.
0:05:41 > 0:05:47A lady of morality and decency, and in her heyday, a very handsome woman.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- But why are YOU so concerned?- I'm just worried about you, that's all.
0:05:51 > 0:05:57Look, I'm not interested in having a real relationship with him, I just want to help him.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I'm only thinking about it, none of this is a definite.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05Just thinking about it, are we? So why did Lee find these wedding magazines?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- Have you been snooping in my wardrobe?- I was looking for a lion and a witch.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I don't wanna hear your crappy jokes, This is none of your business.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Actually, it's "Narnia" business.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Lucy, this isn't a game, you know.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- You can't just dress up and pretend you're a princess. - Oh, is that right?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33That was different, I was a child.
0:06:34 > 0:06:3914 is still a child! I can't believe you're even considering this.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40He might be a criminal.
0:06:40 > 0:06:46Maybe he's involved in the sex-slave industry. This time next year, you might be dancing naked in a cage
0:06:46 > 0:06:53- while hairy men thrust coins in your cleavage. - Oh, lovely. Not even notes.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Hey, I saw a documentary last night on Channel 4...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01..about zebras.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08I was just trying to change the subject. I thought everyone was getting a bit tense.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yeah, it's backfired, hasn't it?
0:07:10 > 0:07:15Daisy, do you know something about Polos? They reckon if you concentrate really hard
0:07:15 > 0:07:17and don't talk, you can find a secret second hole.
0:07:22 > 0:07:28- I'm telling you, Lucy, this whole marriage thing has to stop right now.- Is that right, mister?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Well, I was only thinking about it, but it's my life, not yours. I'm going to do it.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35No-one tells me what to do, you, him or Dad.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38You tell him, sister. We won't be pushed around.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Daisy, we're leaving. Get your coat.- OK.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Oh, I think I've found that secret second hole.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49It's on the other side, isn't it?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Well done. - What do you mean, well done?
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Oh, it's an expression used when you've done something right. You wouldn't have heard it before.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08It's the opposite of, "Tim, you've made things worse again, you daft twat!"
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- You've gotta do what I do with your sister and tread lightly. - Tread lightly?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Why am I picturing a hippo in a ballet dress?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- BOTH: How is your mum? - I said it first.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21If this is anyone's fault, it's yours.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23How is this possibly my fault?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Because Lucy's 30, isn't she?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Oh, yes, I forgot - I'm responsible for her age.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I knew I shouldn't have shagged your mum when I was...nine.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Oh, nice. Not only have you slept with my mum, she's a paedophile.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Look, when women reach a certain age, sometimes they start thinking about things,
0:08:40 > 0:08:46- and sometimes they act irrationally. - That's true, and she did give me a nice biscuit afterwards.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Not my mum, Lucy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56She's obviously got a lot of confused feelings at the moment, like, will she ever get married?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Is she past her sell-by date?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- How's that my fault? - It wouldn't have killed you
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- to ask her out for a drink occasionally.- You've spent the last year and a half
0:09:05 > 0:09:09making sure I don't go anywhere near your sister. It was the first thing you said to me.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister."
0:09:12 > 0:09:18- No, I didn't.- Trust me, I never forget when I've been threatened with a Beverley Sisters lyric.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Anyway, I don't want you going near her, but you could have asked her out
0:09:22 > 0:09:25just to boost her confidence, and then let her say no.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Sorry, I keep making the mistake of thinking I've got some dignity. And what if she'd said yes?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32You'd have had to repeat the question so she heard you properly.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37If going out with me is such a disaster, why would asking her boost her confidence?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39She would realise, no matter how low she feels,
0:09:39 > 0:09:44- there's still a lot further she could fall.- I'm sorry, can you speak up?
0:09:44 > 0:09:48I can't quite hear you down here with me face in the gutter!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I don't know what I'm trying to say.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53This is giving me a lot of confused feelings as well.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Oh, do you want to go out for a drink some time?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I'm not expecting a yes, I'm just trying to boost your confidence.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Maybe I should talk to her again.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- And say what?- "Come on, Lucy, you're not past your sell-by date yet."
0:10:08 > 0:10:13- Don't say "yet."- Why not?- Because that implies it's approaching.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16All right, "You're not past your sell-by date for ages.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20"You've got years. You're like... a bag of dried walnuts."
0:10:20 > 0:10:25That's good. But you just missed out "shrivelled and flaky."
0:10:25 > 0:10:30What is the problem? I always buy stuff past its sell-by date. It's cheaper, and it tastes
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- almost as good as the fresh stuff. - If you remember that exact phrase and say it to Lucy,
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- I'm sure everything will be fine. - Have you got any better ideas?
0:10:38 > 0:10:42I have, actually. I'm going to go round and see this bloke, lean on him a bit.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47Lean on him? Have you been watching Goodfellas again, Joe Pasquale?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- I think you mean Joe Pesci. - I know exactly who I mean.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Ahem... Excuse me?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Hello, can I have a word, please?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Is he ignoring me, or has he been run over?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Don't make me grab you by the ankles. I'm here to tell you
0:11:18 > 0:11:20to back off a little lady I like to call my sister!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Sorry, have you been waiting long? I did not hear you.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Where would we be without iPods, hey?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Well, you'd be in hospital.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I was just saying, Pavlov, or do you prefer Pav?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Either will do.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Well, I was just saying, Ivor...
0:11:45 > 0:11:48..I'm Lucy's brother. It's lovely to meet you.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Oh, yes! Tim, please.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I'm sorry we don't have any seats.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58That's OK. Don't let the tweed fool you. I've been to Glastonbury.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Actually, it wasn't during the festival, they've just got a very nice cathedral.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I know why you're here, Tim.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11To protect your sister.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13You're doing a good thing.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I too was very close to my brother.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Hopefully, one day, they will find him.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I'm sorry to hear that.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23You are a good man, Tim.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I see you have very kind eyes.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Thank you.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32You've got very nice...arms.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- So have you.- What?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Nothing.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53# You say potato He says, "sfasmersniak!"
0:12:53 > 0:12:57# You say tomato He says, "fenuffllite!"
0:12:57 > 0:12:58# Potato, sfasmersniak
0:12:58 > 0:13:04# Tomato, fenuffllite Let's call the whole thing a sham! #
0:13:04 > 0:13:07I wouldn't drink that, by the way, it's out of date.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Who cares about sell-by dates? Looks all right to me.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13In fact, it looks more than all right.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24OK, so it's a bit chewy.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Lucy, I've got something to tell you, but don't kill me.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32I'm sure it's not that bad. Unless you're finally admitting you fancy my mother.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Oh, I'd never admit that.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Or if it was something really stupid, like Tim went round to threaten Pavlov
0:13:38 > 0:13:42and you didn't try and stop him. Obviously, then I'd really kill you.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Your mother was looking very attractive last week.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- So you've spoken to Pavlov, then? - Actually, I told her.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I also said they had my blessing with the nuptials.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54What are you talking about?
0:13:54 > 0:13:58It means the wedding. Don't worry, I didn't know either.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03He's such a nice bloke, Lee. I can't let a man like that be deported. His stories are heartbreaking.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Oh, for God's sake!
0:14:05 > 0:14:12It's all right for you, Mr Cynical, you haven't heard about the family donkey catching syphilis.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17They couldn't afford a general anaesthetic, so all the kids had to punch him to sleep.
0:14:17 > 0:14:23- Pavlov's asked Tim to be best man. - Best man?- I know, being told you're a man's quite nice,
0:14:23 > 0:14:28but the best one... I've always wanted to tie the tin cans to the back of the car.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Oh, we did that at my Uncle Peter's wedding.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34He was a bit hard of hearing, so we used dustbins.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Oh, it was so funny.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Oh, actually, no, it wasn't, we killed a cat.
0:14:41 > 0:14:48- Have you any idea the trouble you'll be in if immigration find out?- I think the cat was English.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Lee, what we're doing is right, and come on, who doesn't like a big white wedding?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I do.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Sorry, Lee, what were you saying about fancying my mum?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Immigration come round, you know.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Test you, make sure you really do know each other.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Don't worry, I've done my homework.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Go on, ask me a question.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10All right, what's his date of birth?
0:15:10 > 0:15:163rd July, 1975. Born in the village of Zetski, just outside the Capital, at 3.15am. Next!
0:15:16 > 0:15:22- What's his father's Christian name? - Vladimir. Married Olga in June 1968, maiden name, Ivorniski. Next!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25How high can he jump?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Ridiculous, our only daughter marrying someone to keep them in the country. Has she gone mad?
0:15:35 > 0:15:40- I said that. She's being a stupid idealist.- She could end up in prison.- I said that as well.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43That girl is not too old to go over my knee, you know.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50I feel bad having to come round and tell you this, but I didn't know where else to turn.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I can't believe Tim is going along with this.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- I told him to go and punch this bloke's lights out.- Do you know where to find this fellow?
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- No idea.- Pity. He wouldn't be marrying my daughter once I'd finished with him.
0:16:02 > 0:16:08- He certainly wouldn't consummate the marriage.- Actually, I do remember roughly where he works now.- Where?
0:16:08 > 0:16:15Flanders & Son mechanical traders yard, 365 Elmsley Drive, E16 4LJ. Want the phone number?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Maybe Lee should come with us.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I can handle myself, thank you very much.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24Far be it for me to interfere with Geoffrey...handling himself.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30It's not that finger.
0:16:38 > 0:16:44When Papa came back from the market, I looked up hopefully.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49"Did you have enough potatoes to exchange for a pig?" I said.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51But he shook his head,
0:16:51 > 0:16:57reached inside his sack and pulled out a cat.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02We have only the Lord to thank that little cat was still lactating.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13You look amazing, Lucy.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Yes, you too, Tim.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19I knew it was only a matter of time before some lucky man stole you away.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Yes, you too, Tim.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32- What's going on?- Ah, Lee, we're just helping Lucy and Tim make some choices for the big day.
0:17:32 > 0:17:38- What do you reckon? - Very nice, but isn't it illegal between brother and sister?
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Unless you want kids with curly tails and biscuit tin foreheads.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48Talking of which, you two aren't brother and sister, are you?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I'm sorry, Lee, but Pavlov's stories are heartbreaking.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- Oh, my God, he got to you as well. - He had to go down a tin mine at 11.
0:17:55 > 0:17:5711? That's a lie-in!
0:17:57 > 0:18:0011 years old.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04So? I had a job when I was a kid.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- We've all suffered.- What did you do?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I was a shelf stacker at the Co-op.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Someone get me Amnesty International(!)- Have you decided what to do with those rings?
0:18:13 > 0:18:17You don't want people staring at you when you're fumbling in your pocket.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20That's good advice for you as well, Lee.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Don't worry, Dad, I know exactly where they are. I'm taking no chances.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29I've attached a length of cord tied in a bowline knot, which is then secured to a tempered steel fob,
0:18:29 > 0:18:35which is, in due course, fastened to a specially sewn-in security tag on the inside of my waistcoat.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38You see, people are always mocking my precautious nature.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40But now, who looks the idiot?
0:18:42 > 0:18:47- Have you all gone mad? - Lee, you should let us get on with things. There's a lot to do.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Fine, but don't come crying to me when your daughter's a sex slave,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53forced into prostitution for old bits of scrap food.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Oh, lovely, not even cash now.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- What are you talking about? - Ask Barbara when she gets here.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02She's already here.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09I know, it's the eye shadow. Is it too much?
0:19:18 > 0:19:24- Well?- They say they will need to come around to your home three weeks after the wedding to interview us.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- Maybe they will realise it's all a lie.- Oh, it'll be fine.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Everyone's helping, even Daisy. She made this on the computer.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36It's not perfect, but it's the thought that counts.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42You are right, everything will be fine.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47You know, I have never actually been to an English wedding before.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Tell me, what is it like?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53I'm going to be wearing your bollocks as earrings!
0:20:01 > 0:20:07Yes, we'd want the honeymoon suite, plus another room next door...
0:20:07 > 0:20:11I don't know, in case things don't work out.
0:20:11 > 0:20:17Yeah, it's under the names of Pavlov Petrietskivadorski and Lucy Adams.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Yeah, sure, it's A-D-A...
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Oh, I see. I've no idea.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I'll check and ring you back. Bye.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31- Oh, so honeymoon now, is it? - Well, us being married has got to look even more real now.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Something tells me I'm going to get a visit from Immigration sooner than I thought.
0:20:36 > 0:20:44Phwoar! Well, looking at this body, at least you won't have to do any faking in the honeymoon suite.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- I'm talking about orgasm... - I know what you're talking about.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- We'll be in separate rooms. - My parents spent their whole married life in separate rooms.
0:20:52 > 0:20:59It didn't stop them having sex. No, it was father's latent homosexuality that stopped that.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04- Where are you going?- Goa. - You're so lucky. I've always wanted to go to India.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08It's been a dream of mine ever since I saw It Ain't Half Hot Mum on the telly.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Mum was lucky enough to go once.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Oh, whereabouts?- Pinewood Studios.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16She got to meet Windsor Davies afterwards.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18KNOCK ON DOOR
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Good afternoon, madam.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Who are you, Clark Kent?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Try again.- Why, did I pronounce your surname wrong?
0:21:29 > 0:21:35I'm from the Immigration Department, and I'm here to play a game we like to call...
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- (AS BRUCE FORSYTH) - Play Your Green Cards Right.
0:21:38 > 0:21:44- The subject tonight is dodgy East European mechanics.- What's going on?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48I went to the Immigration Department this afternoon.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50At least you've got the balls to admit it.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Well, for now, anyway.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- Ah, I see. You think I told 'em what's going on, don't you? - Well, didn't you?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Lucy, I'm many things, but I'm not a grass.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- You're always telling me what Tim gets up to.- That's not a grass, that's a snitch.
0:22:04 > 0:22:11And that's fine, cos that suggests a certain cheeky rodent charm that you'd see in a Disney film.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I went to find out the kind of questions they ask you, I was worried.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20And you could not be in any more shit if you drowned in a colonic irrigation accident.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Ah, you heard about Pavlov's cousin, then?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29All right, you've got a test for me.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34I'm prepared. What do you want to know, Pavlov's height, population of his home country? Bring it on.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38What's your future husband's favourite television show?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- Sorry?- Oh, that sitcom in the 1980s with Ronnie Corbett?
0:22:42 > 0:22:46That's quite big, is it, in Hoojaflakichapistan?
0:22:46 > 0:22:50What else does he like, Only Fools And Mountain Yaks?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52What's his favourite fruit?
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- Lemons.- Oh, tasty(!)
0:22:56 > 0:22:58On their own, or with a nice juicy onion?!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- Lemons.- Are you sure?
0:23:00 > 0:23:07- Yes.- Because we at the Immigration Department check with your other half, and the answers have to match.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- OK, apples.- Uh-uh!
0:23:09 > 0:23:14- What's the answer, then?- Lemons. - This is ridiculous. You can live with someone, be married,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18be madly in love with them and still not know what their favourite fruit is.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23- All right, what's your flatmate's favourite fruit? - He doesn't eat fruit.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28- And why not?- Because if God had wanted us to eat fruit, he wouldn't have invented bacon.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Our survey said...ding! And what's your flatmate's favourite television show?
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Family Fortunes, the Bob Monkhouse era, as he feels that Les Dennis didn't properly engage
0:23:39 > 0:23:45with the spirit of the format, and he's more than sceptical about the celebrity remake with Vernon Kay.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- Our survey said...- Yeah, all right.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49You've made your point.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52God, I really don't know this guy at all, do I?
0:23:52 > 0:23:57Don't chuck your life away. You're hardly drinking in the last chance saloon.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Maybe having a quick half in the "Is that the time already?" bar and grill.
0:24:02 > 0:24:09- What am I doing? But I can't let him down now, I've promised.- Don't worry, I'll deal with it.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13It's about time this bloke tried one of his sad stories on someone else who's had it tough.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14See where that gets him.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Are you OK?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- Yes.- Can I get you anything?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24No.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Sorry, it was the bit about your uncle having to eat his own false teeth that got me.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I think it's very nice, you try to protect Lucy like this.
0:24:35 > 0:24:42Don't worry, I will go back to my country. It will give me a chance to visit my grandmother's grave.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47Oh, God! You mean the one that kept warm by burning her own artificial legs?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Yes.- You didn't tell me she was dead.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53The fire got out of control.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55She couldn't get away.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Such a shame, you know. Everybody seemed to be so looking forward to this wedding.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Wait... I've got an idea.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- Do you really want to stay in this country?- I'd do anything.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Anything?- Anything.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16OK. You seem like you can cope with a bit of suffering.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20You obviously don't mind excessive dirt, and you've obviously had a lifetime
0:25:20 > 0:25:22of seeing your home being destroyed.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Barbara, how do you fancy a trip to India?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30# Fantastic day
0:25:33 > 0:25:37# Fantastic day
0:25:45 > 0:25:48# Well, I can find a funny feeling funny as a smile
0:25:48 > 0:25:51# When your mouth is all dry
0:25:51 > 0:25:55# Why?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02# Fantastic day
0:26:05 > 0:26:10# Fantastic day
0:26:10 > 0:26:14# Fantastic day... #
0:26:14 > 0:26:17CAT YELPS
0:26:24 > 0:26:30- I hope Barbara's gonna be OK. If Immigration were going to realise that- I- didn't know Pavlov inside out,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32how is she gonna be any different?
0:26:32 > 0:26:36It's OK, she'll be fine. We got a postcard off her this morning.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40"Having a lovely time. Pavlov seems happy. They've got his favourite type of ham.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44"He likes to cut the rind off and eat that first, which is unusual.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49"He always has semi-skimmed milk, yet it's full-fat cheese. What's going on there?!
0:26:49 > 0:26:53"Anyway, can't wait to get off this plane and see what India's like."
0:26:57 > 0:27:00So, any regrets?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02No. You?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Apart from not learning French.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Je ne regrette "croissant."
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I'm glad I helped Pavlov. We've got a lot in common, me and him.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16He lost both parents in the civil war, his brothers were kidnapped by the government,
0:27:16 > 0:27:21and at the age of seven, he was taught how to use a machine gun. You were brought up in Chorley.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24It's true. He doesn't know how lucky he's had it.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27And now he's married to Barbara.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29You win. He's got it tougher.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:46 > 0:27:49E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk