0:00:06 > 0:00:10Hi. I've just moved into the block. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?
0:00:10 > 0:00:16I thought that's something people only ever said in films like, "It's crazy, but it just might work."
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Or..."I love you."
0:00:19 > 0:00:25- Why don't you come in?- Because I know what you've been up to and I'm here to put a stop to it.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30It's not actually illegal.
0:00:30 > 0:00:35That's another one of those things people only ever say in films.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- Why? What are you...?- Nothing.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47# We're not going out, not staying in
0:00:47 > 0:00:50# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:00:50 > 0:00:54# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:00:54 > 0:00:56# We're not going out
0:00:56 > 0:00:59# We are not going out... #
0:01:03 > 0:01:05OK, sugar.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09- Demerara, brown, caster, icing...- Wow!
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- Why have you got so many?- It's Lucy. She does that thing. What is it?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Cooking?- That's it.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- Is Lucy your wife?- No.
0:01:20 > 0:01:26We row a lot, she thinks I'm useless and we never have sex, but we're not actually married.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Girlfriend?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30No, just flatmates.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Now, here we are.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It says "salt".
0:01:36 > 0:01:42Daisy put it in there. You know the phrase "the lights are on, but no-one's at home"?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Imagine there's been a power cut.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Is Daisy your girlfriend?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Are you from the Benefits Office?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52No.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57- So what flat have you moved into exactly?- Number 98 on the other side of the green.
0:01:57 > 0:02:03You've come a long way for a cup of sugar. You know there's a Tate & Lyle factory in Ipswich?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07This is silly, but I've seen you around and you seemed friendly,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11so I followed you back here one day to find out where you lived.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Well, that's different - someone stalking ME.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24I mean, wow, that's different. Someone's STALKING me.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Don't worry. I haven't actually...
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Say when.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39It's OK, I believe you're not a stalker. You look far too nice to do anything like that.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42When.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46It was in the mid-'90s. I was trying out a new telescope.
0:02:46 > 0:02:52- This woman got the wrong end of the stick. The police didn't press charges...- The sugar!- Oh!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Do you want a flake with that?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Thanks. Well, I'd better get back. It's been really nice meeting you.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Yeah, you too.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Sorry. I don't even know your name.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Deborah. Call me Debbie. You are...?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Lee.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Call me.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19Well, I might just do that. Why don't you take my number and we can go for a drink some time?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22OK. Great.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25There you go. Make sure you don't wash it off.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I think you're safe there.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Anyway, see you later. Call me about that drink.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Don't overdo the sugar. I don't want you getting diabetes!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40What was all that about?
0:03:40 > 0:03:45- All what?- A 19-year-old girl giving a middle-aged man her phone number?
0:03:45 > 0:03:50Middle-aged? I'm not middle-aged, Lucy. Middle age starts at about 50.
0:03:50 > 0:03:5250? Lee, you're from up north.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57If you reach 50, you won't be middle-aged. You'll be in the Guinness Book of Records.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Is it always this busy? - Yeah, it's a very popular place.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Especially with our sort of age group.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16I think it's the music. Lots of hip-hop, dub, garage.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18# Jitterbug...
0:04:19 > 0:04:22# Jitterbug
0:04:22 > 0:04:25# You put the boom-boom into my heart
0:04:25 > 0:04:29# You send my soul sky-high when your loving starts... #
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Forget garage. Think more gents' public toilets!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I didn't realise it was karaoke night.
0:04:36 > 0:04:42I could do with a bit of a giggle. I haven't had much of a chance to laugh since my mum died.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45The last time you laughed was when your mum died?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Oh. Sorry.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52It's not the best opening line I've said on a date.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54It's OK.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Look, this isn't actually a date.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Lee, there's something I need to tell you.- What?
0:05:01 > 0:05:06- Evening, all.- I thought you'd made other plans. Sorry, this is Tim.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And I mean "sorry"! This is Daisy.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12The one that puts the sugar in the salt jar?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I was trying to confuse the ants.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23This is Debbie from the block.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28# I won't be fooled by the rocks you've got, you're still, you're still Debbie from the block! #
0:05:28 > 0:05:32It's a Jennifer Lopez song. I once tuned in to Radio 1 by mistake.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Who'd have thought the stuffy old accountant a fan of J-Lo?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Who'd have thought the unemployed waster a fan of jailbait?
0:05:41 > 0:05:46Thank you. That's enough of me. Now it's time for you lot to get the party started.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49First up, it's Timothy Adams.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Don't forget to give me a big hand.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Will a couple of fingers do?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Good luck! Break your neck!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03You were saying?
0:06:03 > 0:06:08I don't really live in the block and I didn't really need any sugar the other day.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15I've spent the last couple of weeks tracking you down, finding out where you lived.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Why? Who are you? What's going on?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I think you might be my father.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26# Surprise, surprise
0:06:26 > 0:06:31# The unexpected hits you between the eyes... #
0:06:40 > 0:06:46- Where's Lolita?- If you mean Debbie, I walked her home.- I can't believe she wasn't picked up by her dad.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50She very nearly was.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55When Debbie realised her mum didn't have long left, she decided to learn about who her real dad was.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00- She knew she was the result of a one-night stand. Now she wanted to know who it was.- It was you?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Don't sound too surprised. I used to be a bit of a head-turner.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Just stomachs now, is it?
0:07:08 > 0:07:15- So when did this happen?- Apparently, at some house party in the 1980s. - "Apparently"? Can't you remember?
0:07:15 > 0:07:20- I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning. - I'm guessing Coco Pops.- Why?
0:07:20 > 0:07:24We're out of Kit Kats. I remember everyone I've slept with.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29Why don't you celebrate by having a bowl of All-Bran and polishing your chastity belt, Julie Andrews?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Don't take it out on me because your past is catching up with you.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37It's overtaken me, turned round, kicked me in the bollocks
0:07:37 > 0:07:42and smashed me in the face with an eight-and-a-half stone baby with tits!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Do me and Debbie look similar?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48What, that young, healthy-looking girl with the small nose?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Exactly. It's true. She doesn't look anything like me.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57That girl that doesn't look like a cross between The Chuckle Brothers' less attractive sibling
0:07:57 > 0:07:59and a rat that only ate half the poison?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01You had me at "hello".
0:08:01 > 0:08:07- That's irrelevant. I don't look like my dad.- I don't know. You've got the man boobs.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12- What worries me is she might be a con artist after my money. - You should worry.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17- Yeah.- If she's after your money, she might be stupid enough to be your real daughter.
0:08:20 > 0:08:26- So what are you going to do now? - I'm not doing anything. - You've got to at least talk to her.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31A girl turns up at my door after 20 years and says, "I'm your daughter." What should I say?
0:08:31 > 0:08:36"What time do you call this? I told you you had to be back by 1993."
0:08:38 > 0:08:40So has she been back in touch?
0:08:40 > 0:08:44She left a couple of voicemails, but I didn't call back.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I texted!
0:08:47 > 0:08:54"Thanks for your messages. I've gone to New Zealand and won't be back for a while. PS, I'm not your dad."
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Have you got any compassion?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I did the "sad face" symbol.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- I'm not her father. I can't be. - How do you know?
0:09:06 > 0:09:11It happened at a house party in Lower Ebsworth. I've never heard of it, never mind been there!
0:09:11 > 0:09:16That's exactly where we first met. At a house party in Lower Ebsworth. My house party.
0:09:16 > 0:09:22- No, we didn't.- Yes, we did. It was at my parents' house. You came with that mutual friend we knew - Terry.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27You must remember Terry. Tiny fella, about five foot. And that was in high heels.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Oh, yeah, little Terry.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Oh, God, I do remember that party! Tim, you're right.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Who's the daddy? Sorry.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40In fact, I think I even remember meeting a girl there.
0:09:40 > 0:09:46# Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
0:09:46 > 0:09:49# Just like that river twisting... #
0:09:49 > 0:09:54Don't turn round, madam. I'll predict what you look like with my mind-reading skills.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57To start with, you're not wearing any knickers.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01You are. Looks like I can predict the future too.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I've actually been sick in my mouth.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- I'm Tim.- Lee. Is there any reason you're dressed like that?
0:10:13 > 0:10:18- Like what?- Like a cross between Gloria Hunniford and a white Michael Jackson.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21A white Michael Jackson? That's a funny image.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26I hope you're not intending to light that in a designated no-smoking area.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31I haven't spent all day putting "no smoking" signs up for the good of my health. Actually...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34This is your party, is it, mate?
0:10:34 > 0:10:40- Yeah. I'm celebrating the completion of my Advanced Fiscal Studies and Business Accounting exams.- Wow!
0:10:40 > 0:10:44You're living the dream. I bet you're looking forward to waking up.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Well, enjoy the party.
0:10:46 > 0:10:52There's only a few do's and don'ts, but on the whole, I'm a laid-back, chilled-out sort of host.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Oi, those vol-au-vents are under clingfilm for a reason!
0:10:56 > 0:11:01It's a good party, isn't it? Do you know Fat Larry's Band?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Is he? Why, does he keep eating all the sandwiches?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- What do they call you then? - I can answer that.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Terry, I'm trying to have a conversation here.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Let's dance.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31MUSIC STOPS Right, everyone, who's for Trivial Pursuits?
0:11:31 > 0:11:35I tell you what. Why don't we nip upstairs to the bedroom?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38I'll be your private dancer.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Oh, dancer for money. I'm not saying you're a...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Come on.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Well, then what happened?
0:11:47 > 0:11:53While you were downstairs answering Science and Nature, I was upstairs getting Sport and Leisure!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Are you sure?
0:11:56 > 0:12:02Yes, I even remember the rickety, old bunk-beds and the Master of the Universe duvet cover.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04You did it in my bedroom?!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Oh, God, I am her father!
0:12:08 > 0:12:12You've only got yourself to blame. There were A4 cards everywhere.
0:12:12 > 0:12:18- "Sexual practices only permissible in the designated sexual practices areas."- What are we going to do?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- "We"? What do you mean, "we"? - Oh, like that, is it?
0:12:22 > 0:12:28Your house, your friends, your idea to have a party, yet I do one tiny little thing!
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- And another thing. Do you know what we did after we had sex?- What?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I had a cigarette!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- I don't want to be a father, Lucy. - Why not?
0:12:42 > 0:12:47- What do you mean, "why not"? - I mean "why...not"?- Sorry, I must have the wrong ears on.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51That sounded like the same words with a gap in the middle.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55No, you've got the right ears on. THEY'VE got a gap in the middle.
0:12:55 > 0:13:02- Answer the question.- Because I'd be terrible at it. I can barely afford to feed myself, let alone a child.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- She's a fully-grown woman. - Exactly. She'll eat more.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08She doesn't need providing for.
0:13:08 > 0:13:14- What about when she wants to go to university?- I thought you'd accepted she was your daughter.- I have.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Well, then, stop panicking. She won't ever be going to university.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Lee, she just wants to get to know you. That's all.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26The only decision you've got to make is what kind of father you'll be -
0:13:26 > 0:13:29a good one, a great one or an amazing one.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33I don't suppose "absent one" is on the list, is it?
0:13:33 > 0:13:38- So what do I do?- You can start by taking her out for the day. - Where?- It doesn't matter.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Just get this idea out of your head that you need to provide for her.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46She's not a child, she's an adult. Start treating her like one.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48HE SIGHS
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Oh, for... Not again. God knows how Dutch people get to work!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Thanks.- What for?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Flying straight back from New Zealand.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09Oh, yeah. That's OK. I was getting sick of it anyway. Too many hobbits.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13I was thinking you didn't like the idea of a long-lost child.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18Don't be silly. I wish I'd been there when you were growing up. I have a natural rapport with kids.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Oi, we haven't finished yet, you little shit!
0:14:26 > 0:14:31When I was younger, my mum said I never met you because you were always away on business.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- She said you were rich, powerful, good-looking.- Really?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39You know what parents are like, telling white lies to their kids!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I'm doing all right for myself. I've got a few quid in the bank.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Well, a little bit. Not enough for stuff like...
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Have you been to university yet?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Is that what you think I'm here for? Money?- I didn't say that.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- But that's what you meant.- Shut it!
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- I think that's a bit harsh.- I know. Those blades are way too big.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06- If you knew me better, you'd know I wasn't like that. - I don't. That's the problem.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I am sorry you were the result of a one-night stand.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13In those days, I was young and I was stupid, but I've changed.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Yeah, you're not young any more.
0:15:17 > 0:15:23I'm sorry I wasn't there for you growing up, but as I get older, I realise life is like playing golf.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27If things haven't worked out the way you want them,
0:15:27 > 0:15:31you can either moan about it or accept defeat gracefully.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36That way, instead of looking at all the things that could have been,
0:15:36 > 0:15:42you put the past behind you, forget about it and get on with succeeding in what you want to do next.
0:16:07 > 0:16:14- So how was it left with Debbie? - She asked me to go round to her house next week for a chat.
0:16:14 > 0:16:20- What are you going to do? - I hope she lives in a windmill, so I can't get through the front door.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24I did my best. It didn't work out. My conscience is clean.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Unlike my Masters of the Universe duvet cover.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Haven't you got a moral obligation as her father?
0:16:31 > 0:16:36I'm not her father. I'm just the person who got her mother pregnant which led to her being born.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41That's like saying you're not Lucy's lodger, just the person who lives in her flat
0:16:41 > 0:16:47- and leaves that hideous stuff on the bathroom floor.- Some of us have to stand up when we go for a tinkle!
0:16:47 > 0:16:53I wish I'd never gone to that party. I never would have met you or that stupid Karen bloody Bradeley!
0:16:55 > 0:16:59You never told me her name was Karen Bradeley.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01What does it matter what her name was?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Trust me, it matters.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Oh!- Ow!- Tim!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Oh, hi, sweetheart.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20I wondered where you'd got to. Sorry about this. We've got a crisp-treader in our midst.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24What were you doing in my bedroom?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Getting a packet of fags from my coat pocket.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32What's going on, Karen? You weren't doing something you shouldn't?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Sorry, Tim.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38It was just a quickie. It doesn't mean anything.
0:17:38 > 0:17:44It may not mean anything to you, but you're not the one having to scrub the bedroom walls with Dettol!
0:17:44 > 0:17:50Karen, you know the rules. No smoking in the bedrooms, even if it is just a quickie.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Right.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Yes, of course.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59I'll open the window. If Dad thinks it was me, he'll sellotape my Connect-4 up again.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03I've already opened it. Why don't we go and have a dance?
0:18:03 > 0:18:10- The only dance I'm doing is the Shake'n'Vac to put the freshness back.- Oh, please. Pretty please!
0:18:10 > 0:18:15Then afterwards, you can arrange one of your brilliant charades tournaments.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18You know I find your Arnie impression very sexy.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Crisps? I'll be back.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- I didn't know she had a boyfriend. - Didn't you even bother asking?
0:18:28 > 0:18:33When you get a new job, you don't ask if someone's still doing the job.
0:18:33 > 0:18:39- You turn up and make the most of the warm seat.- I've never heard so much rubbish in all my life! You, a job?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- How long were you together for? - A week.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47A week? You're giving me grief for a meaningless romance?
0:18:47 > 0:18:52It wasn't meaningless. She was my first...proper girlfriend.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- What?- She, you know...
0:18:55 > 0:18:57made me a man.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Out of what? Plasticine?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- You mean you lost your virg...?- Yes. - To Karen?
0:19:03 > 0:19:09- Yes!- If you slept with her in the same week as me, you know what this means, don't you?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Have you got to the bit with the stork yet?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19# Young girl, get out of my mind... #
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Shut up!
0:19:25 > 0:19:31- Didn't you use precautions?- How come you never bothered asking me that question?- You're northern.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Well?- I was naive and inexperienced in those days.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40- My, how you've grown(!) - Daisy, inform Judas that I'm still not talking to him.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Daisy, inform Jesus of Henley that Judas didn't know him at the time
0:19:44 > 0:19:50and Mary Magdalene cajoled Judas into the manger with promises of gold, frankincense and Malibu!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55What was the first bit?
0:19:55 > 0:20:01- So what are you going to do? - Nothing. It's not me Karen said was the father. It was him.
0:20:01 > 0:20:07- If she slept with both of us in the same week, she can't know who the father was.- That's not true.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12- I know a woman who was in a threesome, but still knew which one got her pregnant.- How?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Well, it was obvious. It was the man.
0:20:16 > 0:20:22Look, all that matters is that one of you is the father and there's a simple way of proving it.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25A paternity test.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- All right, let's do it. - Fine. Bring it on.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Name the time, the place and the small plastic cup.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35No, they take a swab of DNA from the inside of your mouth.
0:20:35 > 0:20:41So, you, clean your teeth. We don't want them thinking Colonel Sanders was the father.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51Dads are a bit like buses. You wait your whole life for one and two come along at once.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Except one is a luxury coach with air-conditioning
0:20:54 > 0:20:58and the other is a late night bus full of vomit and nutters.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03- I can't lie. This is all a bit of a shock.- Your mum was obviously a bit of a dark horse.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I mean in a good way.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11Think of her as a fine, noble filly that everyone wanted to... I'll shut up.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Thanks for doing the paternity test.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18It's not easy, but I guess it's something we have to do.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21One of us is certainly going to be disappointed.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27I mean, if he's the father, I'll be disappointed. And if I'm the father...
0:21:27 > 0:21:29She'll be disappointed.
0:21:29 > 0:21:35I know this is a big shock for you as well and I'm sorry that I've just suddenly turned up in your lives.
0:21:35 > 0:21:41When Mum died, I felt really lost and isolated and I want to feel like I'm part of something again.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43It's us that need to apologise.
0:21:43 > 0:21:49We've been so busy thinking about how this will affect OUR lives, we haven't given you much thought.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52If it is me, I'll always be there for you.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57Me too. If it is Tim, you can phone me whenever you like.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I'm joking. If it's me, I'll be there for you too.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Thanks. But no more crazy golf.
0:22:03 > 0:22:09- The ban's not lifted for another ten years.- Maybe next time we meet up, I can bring Toby along.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Who's Toby? Your boyfriend, your dog or your jug?- I'm good with dogs.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18- I got my Blue Peter badge for obedience training. - I got mine for stealing.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- What did you steal? - A Blue Peter badge.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24He's neither. Toby's my son.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30You mean one of us is a grandad?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I guess so.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Well, I hope it's you. You've already got the clothes.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49She's taking her time with these test results.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53I've just thought - this could make me a sort of stepmum.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58Debbie will have to escape my evil clutches by moving to the forest to live with seven dwarves.
0:22:58 > 0:23:04How annoying, travelling miles to escape from you and Dopey answers the door!
0:23:05 > 0:23:11- Stop pacing, Tim. Don't be stressed. - I'm not stressed. An absent father and a grandparent at 40?
0:23:11 > 0:23:15It's bound to be the northerner.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23- Well?- I haven't opened it yet. I wanted you both to be here when I did.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Well, go on then.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Oh, my God, it can't be true!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It must be Lee.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- It's not Lee. - I'm going to be sick.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Ah, that'll be my poisoned apple!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46DAISY LAUGHS
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Too soon?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52It's not you either, Tim.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Well, don't look at me.
0:23:56 > 0:24:02It says there's no DNA match with either of you. I still don't know who my dad is.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04SHE SOBS
0:24:12 > 0:24:18I don't understand. She went out with you and she slept with you at Tim's graduation party.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21One of you must be my dad.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Graduation party? The one you had when you were still living at home?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- Yeah.- You never said it was that party.- You don't remember it. You were only eight.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Of course I do. How could I forget? It was full of idiots.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36# Tainted love
0:24:36 > 0:24:40# Now I know I've got to... #
0:24:40 > 0:24:42That's better.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45That's why they call it a yucca.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- How old are you?- Eight.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- You're very tall. - You're kneeling down.- Oh, yeah.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Where's Tim?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Tim? Oh, you mean the posh, inbred-looking dandy?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05He's my brother, actually.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09What does "inbred" mean?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12You know, that Chris de Burgh song?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Lady "Inbred".
0:25:14 > 0:25:17No, it's not. It's something to do with sex, isn't it?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23All right, it means when you like having sex in bread.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Why would Tim have sex in bread?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I don't know. Cos he's his Mother's Pride? Go away, small girl.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34What the hell are you doing out of bed?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Never hang around afterwards. They get clingy... Oh, her.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Lucy, get back to bed before Mum and Dad get home.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I can't sleep with all this racket.
0:25:43 > 0:25:49- Sleep in the spare room. It's quieter in there.- He said you like having sex in bread.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- I didn't mean it. - What did you mean?
0:25:53 > 0:25:58I meant you like having sex with your relatives.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00It's better than having sex in bread.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05Actually, you could combine both and have sex with your "naan".
0:26:07 > 0:26:09GIGGLING
0:26:12 > 0:26:17I tell you what, Terry. For a little man, you have very large hands.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22I'm glad we're finally lying down. At least now I can reach your knockers!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Ahem!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Sorry, love. This room's taken.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Blimey! That woman was smaller than me!
0:26:37 > 0:26:42Her life might have been cut tragically short, but she didn't half fit a lot in.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52It was good that you managed to trace Terry.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Yeah, I searched high and low. And there he was - low.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02It's all turned out for the best. They're getting on well. They had a day out at Alton Towers.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- How was it?- Not great. Terry wasn't allowed on any rides.
0:27:07 > 0:27:13Was she not disappointed to find her mum was... you know, a bit of a girl?
0:27:13 > 0:27:18It's part of growing up. I remember when I was 12 finding out my mum was a drinker.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20That must have been hard for you.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24It was. I had to start drinking in a different pub.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27KNOCK AT DOOR
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Sorry, I've just moved in upstairs. Could I borrow some milk?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37There's a Tesco's round the corner.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44# We're not going out, not staying in
0:27:44 > 0:27:48# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# We're not going out
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# We are not going out... #