0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Yeah, not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But that is no need to scream and shout
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# We're not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Don't come in! Come back in 20 minutes.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Oh God, please say he's not.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32That'll teach me to come home when Loose Women's on.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Lee, I don't exactly know what you're doing in there,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38but this is my flat and I'm coming through the door in three seconds.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Two, one.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Do you know, I'd rather have caught you masturbating.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Why don't you go out and come back in again?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51What are you doing?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55The toaster's broken. How else am I supposed to make crumpets?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59There are rules to lodging in my flat.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01They don't say "no barbecues".
0:01:01 > 0:01:04They don't say "no dog fighting" but I don't expect that either.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06That's fine. I can cancel that.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12Hello? I know this might sound a little weird, but how would you like to be a movie star?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Sorry, are you talking to me or him?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Neither, actually. I was talking to the apartment.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21You'll have to excuse him, he's a bit lofty.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26I'm Mike. I'm shooting a movie in the apartment downstairs.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30We almost had everything in the can and then this goddamn water pipe burst.
0:01:30 > 0:01:37The place is flooded, we can't use it. I need a place exactly the same for one day for £500.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Deal.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41What have we just been talking about?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- Masturba...- No!
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Sweetheart, at the risk of sounding like Noel Edmonds, deal or no deal?
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Thank God for that, I thought you were going to call her Blobby.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57No deal. No offence, I'm just a bit particular about what goes on in this flat.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59No offence, but you're having a barbecue.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Which Lee is about to take downstairs and dispose of before I cook him a sausage.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06We haven't got any sa... I get it!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Crumpet?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18You'll have to excuse my lodger, she gets a bit fussy about these things.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- So you own this place?- Absolutely.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24And when it comes to making the decisions, I wear the trousers.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30They're still trousers, count the legs! Anyway, the point is, I'm willing to negotiate.
0:02:30 > 0:02:36- Negotiate?- I'm thinking a man who's willing to pay £500 is probably willing to pay £1,000.
0:02:36 > 0:02:42And I'm thinking a guy that has indoor barbecues in his pyjamas is willing to accept £100.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45The offer is £500.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47£950?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50£80.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- £500.- Deal.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.00.
0:03:00 > 0:03:058.00? My land...lodger doesn't leave till much later than that, and she'd only be in the way.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Why don't we say 9.00am?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08How about 7.30?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I'll see you at 8.00am.
0:03:15 > 0:03:21Tim, I think you're making a big mistake. Why would you want to pack your job in?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Because I want to do something more exciting, more dangerous.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Something that makes you wonder whether you'll be alive at the end of the day
0:03:27 > 0:03:31and when you are, you know you've stared at death and laughed in his face.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34And is accountancy not doing that for you?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- What are you two talking about? - I'm looking for a new job.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43- Why, have you been caught stealing Blu-tak from the stationery cupboard?- That was a one-off.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48Why can't society forget and allow a man to rebuild his life?
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- If you must know, I'm thinking of moving on to something new. - Paperclips?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- What's brought this on? I thought you liked your job.- It's OK, I suppose.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00But a senior accounts co-ordinator with a mid-level brokerage firm
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- is not exactly what I dreamt about when I was a kid.- Yes, it was.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08OK, yes, it was, but it turned out to be a whole lot less of a thrill than I hoped.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- What did you want to do when you were a kid, Lee?- Nothing.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Well, that's nice, we both got what we wanted.
0:04:16 > 0:04:22Well, I think you should stick with it. It's a well-paid and secure position.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25HE MOUTHS
0:04:25 > 0:04:26SHE MOUTHS
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Right, I'm going to go.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Where?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Milk a cow.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Pick up my car...
0:04:43 > 0:04:45from the dairy.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- You see, the thing about my job is this.- I don't give a monkeys.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I just needed her gone because I need to ask you a favour.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00The thing is, I need you to offer to give Lucy a lift tomorrow morning
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- very early to work because I need her out of the flat.- Why?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05OK, I'll come straight out with it.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Honesty's the best policy.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I'm having the carpet cleaned.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I spilt some red wine, I've hidden the stain under the sofa
0:05:12 > 0:05:16and I want to get it sorted out before she finds it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- OK, fine.- Great.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22But why am I left with this horrible feeling that you're up to something?
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Hand on heart, Tim, all I'm trying to do is clean up.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Morning.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Morning.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Tim's downstairs.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41You trying to get rid of me?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42No.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46So, Friday night, I'm guessing you'll be back late, drinks and all that?
0:05:46 > 0:05:51- Actually, I was thinking of coming straight home. Thought I might see a film.- Yeah, you might.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I just bought that new Sex And The City DVD if you fancy it.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- Already seen it.- Any good?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Bit too much city for my liking.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04So what time roughly?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Oh, I don't know. Half-eight.- Great.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- I'll see you then.- Or earlier.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I might pop back for lunch.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Oh, don't do that. Why don't you go to that place I took you for lunch?
0:06:15 > 0:06:20- You know, with the nice sandwiches and the scented candles.- Boots?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Yeah. Anyway, you won't be able to pop back because you won't have your car cos Tim's taking you.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Oh yeah.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Why am I smelling a rat?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Have you tried Listerine?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46So, have you ever met Al Pacino?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48No.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I met his brother once.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52- Did you?- Yeah.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Cappuccino!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57He wasn't my cup of tea.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00OK, you guys, positions.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03We're almost ready for a take.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Right, mate, you promise you'll be out of here 8.30 tonight at the latest?
0:07:07 > 0:07:12Well, if you go and leave us to it, I guess we can get wrapped by five.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17- 8.30'll be fine. - All right, just like rehearsals.
0:07:17 > 0:07:23I want the dialogue by the window, then you come down here, hit your mark, right in front of the camera,
0:07:23 > 0:07:28sit down on that coffee table, and that, sweetheart, is when you give him the blow job.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35You happy?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Ron? Jane?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39What time's Freddie getting here?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Rolling.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45And...action!
0:07:45 > 0:07:49How the hell are we going to break into this bank without a weapon?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I just can't get my head around it.
0:07:51 > 0:07:57Don't worry, baby, I've got something else you can get your head round.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01And trust me, this weapon is always cocked and loaded.
0:08:01 > 0:08:07Oh, if it's the weapon I think you mean, I think it's ready to be slipped into its holster!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09This is a porn film!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14What the hell was that?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Audio descriptive service for the blind.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21The people that come to see my movies aren't blind, buddy.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Not to begin with, maybe.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28This is a legitimate piece of cinema. It's a...a crime thriller.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33Oh, which one's Miss Marple and which one's Hetty Wainthropp?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35All right, it's an erotic thriller.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38But it's still a credible piece of movie-making.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41It asks profound questions about the human condition
0:08:41 > 0:08:44and its ability to cope with complex emotional issues.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- What's it called?- Sluts in Heat 2.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- Get out of the flat.- What?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Get out of the flat.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57You signed a contract.
0:08:57 > 0:09:03If you fail to provide a location, then you are liable for the personal cost of £5,000.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06And if Lucy finds out I've been using her flat to make porn films,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I'm liable for the personal cost of my nads.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Her flat?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12You told me it was your flat.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Go on, get out.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16No.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- What?- We're not leaving till we make our movie.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24Well, you can't make your movie with a broken mic, can you?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27I'll scream!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29All right, maybe we should leave.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34- And as soon as I sue your ass, this Lucy's going to find out we were here.- She might not.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36She will when I slip something through her letterbox.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Oh, you lot just never switch off, do you?
0:09:41 > 0:09:47Of course, if you just leave us to it, you get your money, we get our movie, everybody's happy.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- What do you say?- Looks like I haven't got a choice, doesn't it? - Right!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53We're doing it again. Positions.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Missionary, doggy style, piledriver.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh sorry, I thought we were brainstorming.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Don't we have a slight problem here? He's broken the boom?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I wouldn't worry about that. I got an idea.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Action.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12What if the cops come after us?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Relax, it's London.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19All they have is truncheons, and, trust me, my truncheon can top any guy.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Oh, yeah? What's so special about your truncheon, honey pie?
0:10:23 > 0:10:28Let's just say you won't be in any doubt when you've been banged by this little baby.
0:10:28 > 0:10:34Oh, well, maybe you should prove to me just how big it is.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Trust me, when you see this thing, you'll know it's huge.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- I've been told by some it's unnaturally big.- Cut!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45What the hell are you doing?!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I'm doing my best is what I'm doing.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I feel like a midget working in a car wash.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54A midget working in a car wash?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58That's a good scenario.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Make a note of that.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03All right, let's change positions and see if that helps.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07In fact, let's just skip to the scene where you just start whipping his ass.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11OK, Rod, put on your dog collar and get on all fours.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Sorry, was that you or did Orson Welles just turn up?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18You see, Rod, those four years at RADA weren't wasted. You finally got the lead.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23OK, rolling and...
0:11:23 > 0:11:24action.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Ooh, you naughty, naughty, filthy, dirty dog.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30What is that smell?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32It's not a BAFTA, that's for sure.
0:11:32 > 0:11:39You're all covered in mud. Now I'm going to have to sponge you down.
0:11:39 > 0:11:45Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Look at the mess on my carpet!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54That's a novel way of getting rid of wine stains!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Tim, will you just calm down?
0:12:06 > 0:12:10I'm sorry that I lied to you, but they were just going to have a bit of a cuddle.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Oh yeah, was he going to roll over and have his tummy tickled?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I've played Pictionary on that rug.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21And now you're allowing two strangers to film...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23rumpy-pumpy on it?!
0:12:23 > 0:12:28OK, I'll be honest, there's a little bit of adult content, but that's Hollywood.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33All the big stars have to do sex scenes. Mickey Rourke, Glenn Close, Sharon Stone.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Why should it be any different for...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Rod Hardpole and...
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Janey Flangelove?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Look, it's a legitimate film. - Oh, is that right?
0:12:46 > 0:12:51Do you really think John Nettles would appear in a dirty movie?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55John Nettles?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- THE John Nettles?- Yep.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01John "keeper of law and order on the otherwise dangerous island of Jersey,
0:13:01 > 0:13:05"to say nothing of his crime-fighting abilities in Midsomer Murders" Nettles?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- That is he.- Is he coming here?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11No, he's in LA, doing all the action bits.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15These lot are the baddies, a bunch of degenerate, sex-obsessed bank robbers.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Not for much longer. Wait till Bergerac catches up with you!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- But Lucy still needs to be told what's going on.- No, she doesn't.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28You know what Lucy's like. She'll worry, stop us filming and miss out on all that money.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- So you're giving her the money, are you?- Of course. I've got some scruples, Tim.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33How much is it?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35£200.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39OK, I'll keep quiet.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Thanks, Tim.- On one condition...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44you get me a walk-on part in the film.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- What?- You heard.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I'm looking for a more exciting career path. Maybe this is fate.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56It only has to be a tiny little part.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I have no doubt that it would be.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Tim, I can't get you a part in this film and you are not an actor.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08OK, no problem.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- I'll just drift off home anyway and don't worry, I won't say a word to Lucy.- Really?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16See, you believed that bit of acting, didn't you?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Trust me, we've got no choice.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25If Tim goes running to Lucy, everyone's screwed.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Or, more to the point, no-one is.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Lucy will throw us both out of the flat.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35You'll have nowhere to film Sluts In Heat 2, I'll have nowhere to watch Sluts In Heat 1.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40Just give him a tiny little walk-on part and nothing that involves any bad language or nudity.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- Jesus Christ!- If you've got the false beard, that would be perfect.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48I guess he could stand in for Rod, right up till the sex scene,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50you know, as the pizza guy.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Won't the audience spot it's a different person?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55We won't see his face, just his helmet.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00There is no way Tim is going to allow you to... His motorbike helmet! Perfect.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Rod, give that dopey guy your pizza outfit, then put your gimp suit on.
0:15:08 > 0:15:14For the last time, it doesn't really matter what your motivation is.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Yeah, I know, but I was thinking, and it's just a suggestion,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20perhaps I'm from an Italian family and I've taken this job
0:15:20 > 0:15:23to please my father. But actually,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I'm saving the tips to finance my real dream of studying tropical medicine.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Great. That'll really lift it.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31What's my line again?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32"Who ordered pizza?"
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Sorry to go on. I do have a reputation for being anal.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I'd keep that to yourself today!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Positions!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46You forgot this.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Hang on, there's no pizza inside.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54And why is there's a hole cut into the bottom?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57So that just before we open the box you can slip your penis through.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Isn't that a little unhygienic?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Janey, get ready for your scene.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13This is definitely not Bergerac!
0:16:21 > 0:16:22This is a porn film!
0:16:25 > 0:16:30OK, before you barge in there, stop this film and throw Lee out of the window,
0:16:30 > 0:16:34just remember, he's your best friend, and things could always be worse.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Hi, darling.- See?
0:16:38 > 0:16:43I've been looking every where for you. Why are you dressed like that?
0:16:43 > 0:16:48It's my new job. I told you I was looking for a new career path.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Tim, you're a qualified accountant!
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Yeah, but it's actually always been a secret dream of mine
0:16:54 > 0:16:56to work for the...
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Hot and Meaty Sausage Company.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02But you can't ride a motorbike.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- I'm doing it on foot. - So why are you wearing a helmet?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I know, it's health and safety gone mad.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10And why are you delivering to Lee?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Well, he ordered the first one, you know, to help get me started.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16This was all his idea, wasn't it?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I knew I shouldn't have left him to talk to you in the pub.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I think I need to have a word with Lee.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22KNOCKS AT DOOR
0:17:28 > 0:17:33Right, Lee, what's all this business about you encouraging Tim to resign from his job?
0:17:36 > 0:17:42Well, don't just stand there all innocent, like butter wouldn't melt.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45This pizza's cold. I'll go and get you another one.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Do you want to give me a hand delivering these pizzas?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55He's not coming back, is he?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59We're going back to Plan A. Rod, you're the pizza delivery guy again.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03How can I be pizza guy when that loser's run off with my costume?
0:18:03 > 0:18:07When do you ever see a guy on a motorbike dressed like this?!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"Gimp My Ride"?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Tim won't let us down.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Trust me. He's going to come walking through that door any minute now.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23And look on the bright side, if he's late, at least you get a pound off.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Hello.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Strange question, have you got any pizzas you'd like me to deliver?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I don't want payment, I just like delivering pizzas.
0:18:36 > 0:18:3812 ham and pineapple, please.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I've just thought of something. That outfit that Lee was wearing.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Outfit?- In the flat just now, the leather swimming trunks.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Oh yes, those.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Lee's, um, learning to swim but he's quite scared of the water,
0:18:59 > 0:19:05- so he's getting used to wearing the trunks around the flat first. - What about the rubber gimp mask?
0:19:05 > 0:19:10- Yes, well, there's a very simple explanation for that too.- Which is?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Lee's a sexual deviant.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Oh, right.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22- I would've told you before but he's a bit embarrassed about it. - There's no need to be.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I didn't learn to swim till I was 22!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31OK, you're right. He's not coming back, is he?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- You're going to have to do something else and quickly.- Right. To hell with this.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Forget the pizza scene. Rod, take Jane into the kitchen and bang her over the sink.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Great. There's a couple of pans that need scouring, if you could work that into it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Oi, come on.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Yeah, I'm going to need a few minutes to, you know...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52What, you mean little Jimmy Krankie?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Yes.- How long's that going to take?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- God knows.- We haven't got time for this, mate.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Look, Jane's ready. She's a real old pro.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03No offence, love.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I bet you think my job's real easy, huh?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10I bet you look at her and you think, "piece of cake"?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11I don't think "piece of cake".
0:20:11 > 0:20:13What do you think?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Baps.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Well, it's not and that's why I need time.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23We haven't got time, mate!
0:20:23 > 0:20:28So if you don't get in there now, I will personally come over there and fluff you up myself!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Bring it on.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Get off me, you lunatic!
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I mean it! Get it out now and start thinking of Felicity Kendal!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42CRASHING
0:20:45 > 0:20:49That's it. No more.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- I quit.- What?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I have had it up to here.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Oh, impressive!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Oh, dear. Now what?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I'll tell you what, we finish making our movie.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09How? He's downed tools.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Well, tool. Actually, it was already down.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Looks like we need a new actor now, doesn't it?- To do the pizza bit?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19To do everything.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Are you proposing that I act in a scene with a female porn star? I wouldn't dream of it!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27All right, I would dream of it. I have dreamt of it,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30but that's not the point. No chance.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35You don't do it, not only will your landlady kill you, I will too.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- I wouldn't know what to do! I've only ever seen the first few minutes!- Look, pal,
0:21:39 > 0:21:44we have a contract and I'm not leaving this apartment till I make my porno film.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47You said it was an erotic thriller.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49No, chum, it's a porno.
0:21:49 > 0:21:55Hard-core, X-rated filth, and you, my friend, are my new male lead.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Oh. My mum would be so proud!
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- I didn't place an order. - I know you didn't.- Speak up.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10I know you didn't place an order. It's free. Please just take it.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- But I don't like pineapple. - Then pick them off!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21What the hell is going on?
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Tim has got a new job delivering pizza. It was Lee's idea.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Oh, bloody Lee, always has to drag you down to his level.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Oh, don't worry. He hasn't sunk quite as low as Lee.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Lee's become a sexual deviant.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37What?
0:22:37 > 0:22:42He's using your flat for some kind of sado-masochistic bondage session.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Just wait till I get my hands on him. I'm going to strangle him!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48He'd probably enjoy that.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52I'm sorry, Vanessa, drinks are cancelled.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Take me home. Now.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Oh, today just keeps on giving, doesn't it?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Three, two, one, action!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24This is a waste of a perfectly good melon.
0:23:24 > 0:23:30Don't worry, you'll be using the other half later. Start acting.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34I feel like I'm in a nightmare version of Jim'll Fix It.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Say the line!
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- Who ordered pizza?- Give it to me.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Improvise, for Christ's sake!
0:23:44 > 0:23:47OK, I will, and you're going to love it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51It's 12 inches, piping hot, and the base is thin and... Not thin.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54I mean, it's got a cheesy crust. I'll start again.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Who ordered pizza? Feel free to remove your own toppings.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Oh, well, maybe I will.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Oh, it's so hot in here tonight.
0:24:08 > 0:24:14Yes, it is, but the good news is, the hosepipe ban's been lifted.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Cut!- What? That was a perfectly good bit of innuendo.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20It wasn't sexy, Lee. Tease her a bit.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23All right, Big Ears, how's Noddy?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Just start undressing her.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Can you go out the room?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I've got to film the damn thing!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Close your eyes.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I can't close my eyes, I'm directing. Action!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- Can I close my eyes?- No.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Oh, oh...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Well, say something.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Sorry for staring at your tits!
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Call her a tramp. Tell her what you're going to do to her!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05What, give her 50p for a cup of tea?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Why would I want to have sex with a tramp?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Because your landlady'll be home any moment now.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Action! Get 'em off, sweetcheeks.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Oh, you're so forceful. What are you going to do to me?
0:25:19 > 0:25:26I'm going to show you a good time, aren't I, you dirty, smelly, big-eared homeless person.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Oh, yeah?
0:25:27 > 0:25:32Yeah. Now, get that cardie off or you won't feel the benefit!
0:25:33 > 0:25:39Just forget the dialogue and start making love to her now.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I will, if it'll stop you shouting at me!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Where are you going?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Put my pyjamas on, brush my teeth.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50No, let's just forget the acting altogether and go right for the big money shot.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Here's your big moment, Lee.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Oh, my God.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I've had enough. This time he's packing his bags and leaving.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Why don't we calm down, go for a drink and discuss this?
0:26:01 > 0:26:08Well, let's invite Lee while we're here, although he might need a straw if he's still got his gimp mask on.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Not only does he treat my flat like he owns it, he's now using the place for his depraved sex games.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Come on, Lucy, that just shows how irrational you're being.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Lee is far from perfect, but if there's one thing he isn't, it's a sexual deviant.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22< BRAYING NOISES
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Maybe he's playing Buckaroo.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42You're back early.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Look, no barbecue.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01You said you weren't going to be back till half past eight.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you again.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I should throw you out right now.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10He was going to sue me.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13No, he wasn't. I asked the flat downstairs, there was never a leak.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16She just threw them out when she realised it was porn.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Well, hadn't she signed a contract?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21No, Lee, she'd signed a six-month warranty on a tumble dryer.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25The same as you if you'd bothered to read it.
0:27:25 > 0:27:30Right. Well, look on the bright side, I may have gone behind your back and allowed a porn film
0:27:30 > 0:27:35involving bestiality to be filmed in your living room, but if your tumble dryer ever breaks down...
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- You're only staying here on two conditions.- Which are?
0:27:38 > 0:27:44Firstly, stop treating the flat like you own it and, secondly, get a job.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48And, as luck would have it, I've found one for you.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Pizza delivery boy? You've got to be joking.
0:27:51 > 0:27:56- Well, there is another option if you want, involving sex.- What?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Take the pizza delivery job, or you can go and get f...
0:27:59 > 0:28:00# Not going out
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# Not staying in
0:28:02 > 0:28:05# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# But that is no need to scream and shout
0:28:08 > 0:28:11# We're not going out
0:28:11 > 0:28:14# We are not going out. #
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk