0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Yeah, not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# Not staying in
0:00:05 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# We're not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Oh, don't worry, Lucy.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29My mum used to say that tears were like Elton John -
0:00:29 > 0:00:31much better once they were out.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36- Because he wasn't always a homose... - We got it!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39DOOR OPENS
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha
0:00:53 > 0:00:57# I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
0:00:57 > 0:01:00# Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# I'm on my way from what I want... #
0:01:07 > 0:01:09It's The Proclaimers.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I thought it'd get a laugh.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Jedward?
0:01:19 > 0:01:20What's going on?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- Can we talk about it in the morning? - What, you mean...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25# When I wake up...? #
0:01:28 > 0:01:30What's happened?
0:01:30 > 0:01:35- It's Tim and Lucy's parents. They're thinking about splitting up.- Why?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37We don't know. They won't discuss it.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41That's why I've invited Dad over to try and get to the bottom of it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46- You've done what?! Don't get involved, Lucy, They'll be fine. - Fine? They're splitting up, Tim!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Don't say that! Why have you got to ruin everything?
0:01:48 > 0:01:53- This is like when you were five. "There's no tooth fairy, Tim!" - Aren't you ten years older?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I was a late developer, all right?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Typical! First sign of trouble and you're like an ostrich, burying your head in the sand.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06That's a myth. Ostriches don't bury their heads in the sand.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08What do they do? Stand around with gawping faces
0:02:08 > 0:02:12while more grown-up birds take responsibility for mending the nest?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Doubt it. They probably just fly off, don't they?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Dad's on his way, and we'd have a better chance of him opening if you and Daisy weren't here.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Do you not think you're overreacting a bit?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27What?!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30My mum and dad split up when I was a kid.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34I survived, moved on, became a well-adjusted, rounded adult.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37SHE SOBS
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Go! Just get out!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Come on, Daisy. I know when I'm not wanted.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Yeah, days that end in a "Y".
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oh that's today - Friday!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Sure you won't don't want a drink?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59No, thanks. Drinking makes me thirsty.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Lucy wasn't very happy with you, was she?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- The problem with Lucy, she let's her heart rule her head. - I'm like that.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Yeah, well, in your case, it's probably best to leave something else in charge.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18You should try making it up to her.
0:03:18 > 0:03:25- How?- Well, the quickest way to a woman's heart is to do a thoughtful, unselfish, considerate act.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27What's the next quickest way?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- Anyway, what do you mean, to her heart? - You know what I mean!
0:03:33 > 0:03:39- No, I don't.- You want to be with Lucy, but you can't, because she's out of your league.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- They said that about Blackpool. - Who did?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- I don't know.- Come on, who said it?
0:03:48 > 0:03:53- Do you know what I'm talking about when I say Blackpool?- No...
0:03:53 > 0:03:55But you want to know who said it?
0:03:55 > 0:04:01It's more important to know who's talking than what they are saying.
0:04:01 > 0:04:06- No, it's not. - I overheard John Malkovich talking about Blackpool once.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- John Malkovich?!- See?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12You didn't say, "Blackpool?!" You said, "John Malkovich?!"
0:04:12 > 0:04:16You were more worried about who said it, not what was said.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18The point is...
0:04:19 > 0:04:23..they said Blackpool Football Club wouldn't make the Premiership, and guess what happened?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27They beat Cardiff 3-2 in the play-off final.
0:04:32 > 0:04:37- How do you know that?- I told you, I heard John Malkovich talking about it on Match Of The Day.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Do you mean John Motson?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46No, John Motson's the actor.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50You know, he was in that film, Being John Malkovich...
0:04:54 > 0:04:59It's a pity that there isn't a way for you to help Lucy's parents get back together.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02That would be a pretty good way to Lucy's heart.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Psst!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Psst!- I think your brain's got a puncture.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I know something you don't know.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21You're not going to tell me Jimmy Krankie isn't a real boy again?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Tim's mum told me what the problem was.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28She made me swear not to tell another human being, but I can tell you.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32She's sick of Geoffrey being so controlling.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Apparently, she wanted to go ballroom dancing recently, and he wouldn't let her.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39All this over ballroom dancing?
0:05:39 > 0:05:44Exactly. Maybe you should have a little talk with Lucy's dad, make him see sense.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I'm sure Lucy would be very grateful...
0:05:47 > 0:05:51You'd soon be like Blackpool then!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Getting lots of top-flight action.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- I mean sex.- I got it!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05So, are you are you going to talk to him,
0:06:05 > 0:06:11- convince him to stop being the one who always has to wear the trousers? - Is the Pope a Catholic?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13- He is a Catholic.- Right.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Lucy might be right - you might feel better if you told us what was going on.
0:06:21 > 0:06:27The last time you wanted to talk about adult things was when you asked me the facts of life,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29and what happened then?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32That's right, you were sick.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I'd had a dodgy pint.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Dad...- For the last time, I'm not discussing it.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- What were you told about staying out?- Argh!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47What were you told about not letting your dog on the sofa?
0:06:47 > 0:06:53I agree with you, Dad. This is just between you and Mum, but you still need to sort it out.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55What have you done with my girlfriend?
0:06:55 > 0:06:59I left her in the pub on the fruit machine - told her it would count towards her five-a-day.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Sorry to hear you and Wendy are having problems, Geoffrey.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Women, eh?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Can't live with 'em, can't...bloody get one.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Chalk and cheese, aren't we, men and women?
0:07:19 > 0:07:26Women are the cheese - fragrant, luxurious, need to be savoured...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28But they're also complex...
0:07:28 > 0:07:33and...blue and...veiny.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35And men are the chalk -
0:07:35 > 0:07:42happy to just...stay at home and not go ballroom dancing.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Who told you about that?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Oh, a little bird. Well, headless chicken.
0:07:49 > 0:07:55Ballroom dancing. It's ridiculous, I blame bloody Bruce Forsyth.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58The thing is, Geoffrey, it's all about compromise.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02My dad's favourite saying was, "When it comes to relationships,
0:08:02 > 0:08:06"you can either choose to be right or you can choose to be happy." Actually, that's not true.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11His favourite saying was, "Get me 20 Silk Cut, and if they ask for ID, say you've got dwarfism."
0:08:11 > 0:08:16But the point is, sometimes in life, you've just got to choose between those two things.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22- Still here, Lee?- Actually, Lee and I having been having a nice chat, as it goes.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- Really? - Yes, it has been very enlightening.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Talk about not judging a book by its cover.
0:08:28 > 0:08:34What, even if the title's I'm From The North, I'm Clueless And I Stink?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37He's actually been very insightful.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40The cue for the thank-you hug starts here.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I may even throw in a free kiss at no extra charge.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- He's made me put a few things into perspective. - Cashier number five, please!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Sorry, madam, I'm going to have to weigh those first.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Too much.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01He's made me see there's really only one choice.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- You're going to patch things up with Mum?- No.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- I'm going to pack my bags and move in here for a while. Make a clean break from your mother.- What?!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11You made some very salient points.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16But I'm from the North, and I'm clueless...and I stink.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19What did he say this time?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23He said, in a relationship, you can either choose to be right or choose to be happy.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26And I like being right more than I like being happy.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32In fact, I'm almost never happy, but I'm always right.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37I'll take your room for a while, Lee. You can have the sofa.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I'll go and pack my bags.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Why's your face gone on screensaver?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Morning!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Ohh... What time is it?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Six o'clock.- Has the Queen died?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Well, you know what they say about early birds and worms.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Always get out of bed early if you're going out with a bird with worms.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Look, Geoffrey, I don't know exactly what's going on between you and Wendy,
0:10:17 > 0:10:22- but you're not going to find the answers in my bedroom.- No, but I did find some other things.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25I'll make us coffee.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31You're up early.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I'm assuming your dad woke you up as well.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Am I getting the silent treatment?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42You're not very good at whistling, are you?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47It's me that's suffering here. I'm having to sleep on the sofa.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51I'm having to witness the breakdown of my parents' 40-year-old marriage
0:10:51 > 0:10:55whilst I cry myself to sleep at night about the future of my family.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58All right, 1-1.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- Anyway, I wouldn't worry about having to sleep on the sofa for much longer.- What?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Three people, two bedrooms - you do the maths, Lee.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10All right, but if you keep me awake with your snoring, you're on the bathroom floor.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- You're throwing me out? - It gives me no pleasure to say it,
0:11:13 > 0:11:18but if they don't get back together, it looks like I'll have to.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Actually, it gave me a bit of pleasure.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Have you or Lucy tried talking to your mum about this?
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- Of course, but Mum's worse than Dad, it's like trying to get blood out a stone.- Let me do it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Do what?- Go round to your mum's and squeeze her so the blood comes out.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Haven't you done enough damage?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Trust me, I can do more. I mean, to help.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50- Who knows? The problem may lie with your mum. - The problem does lie with my mum.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52In her bed. He's called Dad!
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Then let me lie with her...
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Talk to her!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Come on, Tim. I'm going to get thrown out. Give me a chance.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- Think about it, she might open up to me. We're not the same blood. - You're not the same species.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- OK, you can go.- Thanks.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Like you say, I suppose she might open up to a non-family member.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Just don't muck this up.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18At least I'm showing concern. Were you there for me when me mum split up with her last boyfriend?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21She'd only been with him for three weeks.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23He was like a dad to me.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27He got drunk all the time and tried to sleep with your aunty.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Exactly, just like me dad.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Thanks for the...gift.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Never tasted...Thunderbird before.
0:12:44 > 0:12:4717.5%!
0:12:47 > 0:12:51I know. And there was a bottle of Chablis for five times the price, that was only 12%.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I will never understand it.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Ooh, cheeky.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04It's got a sort of...oaky...cokey...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Ah, that's what it's all about.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Look, Wendy...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I know this isn't really any of my business,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19but don't you think you should meet up with Geoffrey and talk about things?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23It's not that easy. There's...issues.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Carry on.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29What you have to remember is that when I married Geoffrey I was only 20.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32He was already 40. That's a big age gap.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35And is the age gap still the same?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I mean, is it still a problem?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41He certainly doesn't want to go dancing with me.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Is it really worth all this heartache just for a bit of ballroom dancing?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It's not that simple.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53You see, I've got this...friend.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Right...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57A friend. Don't worry, I understand.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Do you?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Yes. I once had a FRIEND,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04and my FRIEND was worried
0:14:04 > 0:14:06because he had warts on his...
0:14:08 > 0:14:11..but when he had the courage to go to the doctor and talk about it,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13my FRIEND's problem was resolved.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about my friend Janet.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18I know.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Funny enough, that was my friend's name, too.
0:14:23 > 0:14:29Anyway, my friend Janet went to the dancing first, and she loved it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33She was getting dancing lessons from an Italian instructor called Bruno.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Let's just say she was enjoying her sessions with the instructor too much.
0:14:38 > 0:14:44- You don't just mean he was giving her dance instructions, do you? - Not per se.- I know - Bruno.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Anyway, it got me thinking about things.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56Do you know, in my entire life, I've never been with another man,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00and Geoffrey doesn't seem to want to know these days.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Oh, too much.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06To be honest, Geoffrey and I haven't...
0:15:06 > 0:15:10danced for a long, long time.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12So, what are you going to do?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I like sex, Lee.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I enjoy sex!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23So do I, it's very...pleasant.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I'm even happy to do it on my own sometimes.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Well, my flesh needs to be touched and caressed by another friend!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36You know if you give yourself a dead arm first...
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- So, you're leaving Geoffrey? - I don't know.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46What I do know is that Janet's marriage seemed to be helped by her affair.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51She was getting satisfaction elsewhere. It made her more content at home.
0:15:51 > 0:15:57Maybe I'd be the same if I, you know, could...dance...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02..even if it was just once...
0:16:02 > 0:16:03with another man.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Right, I'd better get going.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Oh, so early?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Yes, I've got to go and see my friend Janet.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14The warts have spread to his breasts.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Well, did you see her?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- Who?- Princess Michael of Kent - who do you think(?)
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Funny name, isn't it, Princess Michael?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Never quite sure if it's a man or a woman.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46You know, like, Queen...Dave II.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- Did you see my mum, or not?- Yeah.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Did she talk about Dad?
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Er, yes, I think she did mention him.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56What did she say about me?
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Well, she sort of said... - Oh, for Christ's sake man, just give it to me.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Yeah, that pretty much summarises it.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Oh, just say it, Lee!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Do you not think we should talk in private, Lucy?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12If you don't start talking, I might have to bring out what I found in your bedroom.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17The women in those magazines looked very odd with Lorraine Kelly's face stuck over theirs.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Start talking, for God's sake, man.
0:17:21 > 0:17:29OK, if you want to know, she said she might be able to find a way in which she can be content again.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30How?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Right, this isn't easy...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36but she said she wants to...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40..dance with another man.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45She wants... She wants to dance?!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47She wants to dance.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49With another man?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51With another man.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Honestly?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Honestly.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Sorry, are you having an English lesson?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Over my dead body. You start dancing with another man,
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- then he's holding her too tightly and getting ideas!- Exactly.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09When I say dance, I mean...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12..dance.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I'm sure you did. I'm sure that's all she means, too.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18But how do you know it won't lead to something more?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- She does want more.- Oh, I get it.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23You mean like a samba?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- Something where they really get hold of each other.- What?!
0:18:30 > 0:18:35- Yes, but we all know where that could lead, don't we? - Do you know, I'm not sure you do.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Are you both mad?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Can't you see what Lee's saying?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41It is more than just dancing.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Welcome to the Cotton-On Nightclub.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47This is about Mum's freedom.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52All she wants to do is have an innocent dance with another man, and you two are making it all sordid.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Sorry, love, you can't come in, no jeans.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01Can't you see that letting her do this would symbolise a loosening of control, which is the problem?
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- Not a chance.- For God's sake, Dad, what's the matter? It's one bloody dance!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I'll dance with you in a minute, young lady.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Please, let's not make this any more complicated.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Where's everyone gone?
0:19:21 > 0:19:27- Your dad and Tim went for a walk, they wanted to clear their heads. - What about Daisy?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31She went too. Can't help thinking her head's clear enough as it is.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Everything's going to work out for the best. - Do you know any other cliches?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Just Gael. Gael Clichy, plays left-back for Arsenal.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45I must be depressed. I'm usually on the floor when you do your jokes about the Arsenal back four.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50Want to hear the one about David Seaman being transferred to Cockermouth?
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- Thanks.- What for? - For making the effort with my mum.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- It's OK. - At least she got it off her chest.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Funnily enough, that's the punch-line to the David Seaman joke.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07I just wish Dad and Tim would see that one dance isn't going to kill anybody.
0:20:07 > 0:20:13Lucy, trust me, you can't allow your mum to dance with another man.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14- Yes, we can.- >
0:20:14 > 0:20:20Tim and I have been having a chat. After long deliberation, we think you're right, Lucy.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25- We need to encourage your mum to have this dance if it's so important to her.- That's great!- Hang on.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30Dad's right. If there's even a small chance of saving their marriage, we have to do it.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35It's important Mum gets everything she's looking for, even if I have to give it to her myself.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40No, that's no good, Tim. I have to approach this with a new attitude of respect and freedom.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42It can't be you, it has to be a man.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I mean, another man to dance with, not you.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- But it still needs to be someone that we know and trust. - Yes, but the question is, who?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Please tell me there's someone stood behind me.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I can't dance with your mother.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Oh, don't be modest. I've seen you dancing on your own in your bedroom.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Right, well, that's decided, then.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Lee can ask Wendy to go dancing. - Do I get any say in this?
0:21:17 > 0:21:22What's your problem? All we want you to do is give my mum a dance. It can be a really quick one.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Please stop!
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Lee, this could solve everything. Mum could see that Dad's loosening control
0:21:28 > 0:21:34- and you get your room back without being thrown out. Why are you being so selfish?- Fine!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37You want me to dance with your mother, I'll dance with your mother.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40In fact, I'll foxtrot her brains out.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Why do I have to wear your suit? I look like an idiot.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Don't be silly, you look like James Bond.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56The name's Head, Knobhead.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It's important you look the part.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Oh, I look a part, all right.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05The part that's being squeezed to death in these trousers.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Whoever called it ballroom dancing obviously wasn't wearing these kecks.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Please make an effort. I know it's not your thing,
0:22:12 > 0:22:17but if she wants to show you something, just do it - all the different moves and positions.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23And here...take my car. I want you to drive her home in style.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- Just don't leave a mess on the back seat.- What?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I know what you're like for chucking empty wrappers.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32What kind of wrappers?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Mars Bars?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Right.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Right, we'll leave to you carry on getting ready.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Are you sure about this? It's not too late to call this off.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47What do I know about ballroom dancing? What will we say?
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Throw in a few key words - that'll keep Wendy happy. Do you know Ginger Rogers?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- To be honest, I didn't even know Wendy was ginger.- What?
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Nothing.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05You look nice. How are you feeling?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Not very nice. - I know you're nervous.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Think of it as a date. - Ooh, let's not.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- Lucy, this is stupid. I can't even dance.- Oh, it'll be fine.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19You know what Mum's like. She loves teaching people new things. It empowers her.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23With Dad, she's always having to be submissive, but this will give her a chance to be on top.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27I am trapped in a Carry On film nightmare and I can't wake up.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Come on, it's easy, I'll show you.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30What are you doing?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34I'm going to teach you a thing or two, then you can work your magic on my mum.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Right, first things first - a man leads.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I've got a dog lead - can we improvise?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43That's a funny image - you on all fours with my mum rubbing...
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- Can we just get on with it, please? - Ready?
0:23:47 > 0:23:51MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:52 > 0:23:55See? It's easy. It's like riding a bike.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I fell off a bike when I was a kid and broke both me legs.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I doubt tonight will result in two broken legs.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Mmm, famous last words.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06And don't forget, it's what you do after the dance that really counts.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08How do you mean?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10You've got to dip her.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13What?
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Catch.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Wow! That's great!
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Who knows, when you finish with Mum, I might even let you dance with me.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Sorry.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Ooh, how lovely, shampoo!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Well, you're worth it.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I hope you're not trying to get me drunk.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46No, I'm not.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48To be honest, I'm already slightly merry.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I had a bit more of that Thunderbird before I came out.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53It's a naughty little thing, isn't it?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Yes, very naughty.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00I'll have to punish it later by using it to unblock the toilet again.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02MUSIC STOPS, APPLAUSE
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Are you ready to lose your virginity?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Well, I... What?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19You'll have to excuse me, I've got two left feet.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22That's ones mine, the other belongs to Daniel Day-Lewis.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Ssh!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Just go with the flow.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31- It's difficult to get any sort of flow going in these trousers. - We don't want that, do we?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Shall I tell you a little secret?
0:25:35 > 0:25:40Oh, my head's all full of little secrets. I don't think it could handle another.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43The trick is not to wear underwear.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45It frees you up.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I'm not wearing any knickers.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Oh, for the love of God!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55How's your dip?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Not great, but I'm willing to give it a try.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Well, I'm certainly up for it, if you are.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06That was fantastic!
0:26:06 > 0:26:10I think you're ready to move up to the next level, don't you?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12APPLAUSE
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Geoffrey, what are you doing? - I'm sorry, Wendy.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24I thought I could stand by and watch another man dance with you, but I can't. Come on, darling.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I've got some making-up to do.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Geoffrey, that was amazing.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Trust me, it doesn't end there.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Let's get you home, young lady.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I reckon you're in there, son.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10You know she's not wearing any knickers?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Well, at least it looks like Mum and Dad are going to be fine now.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- Well done.- That's all right.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32I was much happier taking one for the team than giving one.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33What?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Nothing.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40- You know, Mum wanted to thank you herself, but she's a bit tied up. - Ooh, go, Geoffrey.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Thanks, Lee.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- Mum said you were making some pretty fancy moves on that dance floor.- Did she?
0:27:47 > 0:27:53Maybe you could show me a few moves when you're feeling better. I wouldn't mind seeing you in action.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- I've heard you've got a pretty impressive mambo. - You know what?
0:27:56 > 0:28:01I've had enough of all this innuendo. It causes too much confusion and pain.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Why don't we just have sexual intercourse?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- Cheeky.- Ooh!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10# Yeah, not going out
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# Not staying in
0:28:12 > 0:28:16# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:28:16 > 0:28:18# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# We're not going out
0:28:21 > 0:28:24# We are not going out. #
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:28 > 0:28:29E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk