0:00:04 > 0:00:05SONG PLAYS
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- Got any plans tomorrow, Lucy? - Nothing special. Why?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Because your clever little flatmate
0:00:10 > 0:00:13has managed to wangle two VIP guest tickets to Wimbledon.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Oh my God, the tennis?
0:00:16 > 0:00:17The dogs.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Come on, it'll be a laugh.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Where else do you get to lose money and shout abuse at a whippet?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Every month when your rent's due.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Look, Lee, it's very kind of you, but it's not my sort of thing.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32What isn't, me or the dog racing?
0:00:32 > 0:00:33What?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Nothing. Forget it.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Drop me off here. I'll walk now.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Oh, don't be ridiculous, we're miles away.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Well, I need the exercise.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I'm in trap six and those wide bends are always tricky.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Look, why don't we leave the car here? We can walk back together.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I'm fine thanks, Lucy. I'm a big boy now.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I don't need someone holding my hand when I cross the road.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04SCREECHING
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Ow.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17# We're not going out
0:01:17 > 0:01:18# Not staying in
0:01:18 > 0:01:22# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:01:22 > 0:01:25# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:01:25 > 0:01:28# We're not going out
0:01:28 > 0:01:31# We are not going out. #
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Either I'm at home or God shops at IKEA.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Oh.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Thank God you're awake!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- What's happened? - You've had a severe head injury.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- You were hit by a car. - What was the reg?- I don't know.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Lucy, where there's blame, there's a claim.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Carol Vorderman doesn't say these things for fun.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Why am I dressed like a 1960s transvestite?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Lucy, what's going on? Why am I not in hospital?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19I told the doctors I wanted to take care of you, so I discharged you.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- But you're not qualified.- Well, who would you rather have treating you?
0:02:22 > 0:02:28Someone who may have a framed medical certificate hanging from his wall, but who doesn't know you,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31or someone who might not have the medical background
0:02:31 > 0:02:33but who does know you.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36And not only likes you, cares about you.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Really cares about you.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Definitely the first one.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44It's a severe head injury, Lucy. It's not a splinter.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48You can't pull it out with your teeth, then rinse your mouth out with gin.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53- That's not what you do for a splinter.- I always thought Mum was being swayed by the gin.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57I'm going to take care of you, Lee, and then we're going dog racing.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01I'm even going to buy you your own greyhound, and we'll watch it race
0:03:01 > 0:03:05while eating pie and peas and sipping a pint of bitter under the moonlight.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09It's like watching a Yorkshire remake of Gone With The Wind.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Take me, now.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Do you mean sex or dog racing?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24You know what I mean.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I want you to make love to me right here, right now.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30No buts.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31I wouldn't dream of asking for that.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Oh, I see. I get it.- What?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39This. It's a dream, isn't it?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41What makes you say that?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Because I don't remember asking Dad to stand there dressed as me mum.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56All right, son. I reckon you're in there.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Bloody hell. What are you wearing?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02You look ridiculous.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08OK, Lee, none of this is real. It's a dream.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12You're actually lying in a hospital bed in a coma. We're all there.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Me, Tim, Daisy.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18I don't think Daisy's fully grasped the enormity of the situation.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20She's brought you a jigsaw.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24And the doctor's just been in to see us.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26It's not good news.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29He says you might not...make it.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Not the jigsaw.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36He says you might not pull through.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Lee?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Lee, can you hear me?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Lee, it's Lucy, I need to know if you can hear me.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Can you hear me, Lee? Lee, can you hear me?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Yes, I can bloody hear you. I'm in shock. Shut up!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Lee, can you hear me?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Lee, it's Lucy, can you hear me?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04It's no use, Lucy. He doesn't know we're here.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07All we can do now is pray that he eventually wakes up.
0:05:07 > 0:05:13Would you say this bit is a piece of cloud or some spilt milk?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16We've got more important things to worry about at the moment, Daisy.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20You should always start with the four corners.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22The doctor said he might never fully recover.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25He might need round-the-clock care.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28It's a good job he's got us as friends, isn't it?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I'll always be there for him, Lucy, whatever.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Talking to him, feeding him, mopping his brow.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38He said he might not even be able to go to the toilet on his own.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Wake up, Lee, for God's sake!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I wonder what he's dreaming about.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I don't even want to think about it.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Trapped inside his own mind like a prison.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53God only knows what kind of hellish time he's having in there.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Just give it to me, big boy.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Then afterwards, I'll make you a lovely fry-up,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02or I could go and buy you some of your favourite chocolate.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07I quite fancy a nibble on a fun-size Mars Bar.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12It's like being in Carry On Up The Coma.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I wouldn't complain, son.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Dad! Would you go home and put some proper clothes on?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Standing there in Mum's dress with your big hairy moustache and beer belly!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25It's like looking at... Well, it's like looking at Mum, actually.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Oh, for...
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Look, Lee, we may never get another opportunity like this.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38You might wake up soon and then we're back to how it always is.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- What does that mean? - You know exactly what I mean.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Me and you sharing a flat,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46with me constantly looking at you with adoring eyes,
0:06:46 > 0:06:52but knowing you're unobtainable because you're too mysterious, too enigmatic,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54too good-looking for a simple girl like me to...
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Blimey, this really is your dream, isn't it?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Make love to me, Lee.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I need time to think about this, Lucy.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09It doesn't feel right taking advantage of you like this.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Having said that, I don't suppose that fry-up's...- No.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- So how are you feeling? - Yeah, I'm fine, thanks, yeah.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I've been feeling a bit under the weather for the last few days,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27but not bad considering I'm in a bloody coma.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30You'll be fine, you hypochondriac.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34I know what you're like, it won't be a real coma. It'll be a man coma.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37It's not me that goes to A&E when I don't need to.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40That drawing pin went in very deep, actually.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Anyway, stop panicking.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45You may be lying in bed all day in a near-vegetative state,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47but soon you'll be back to your old self.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Lying in bed all day in a near-vegetative state.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Why are you being like this? - Like what?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55This. All unbothered and casual.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58This isn't my doing, it's your dream.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02But whether you like it or not, we're really close, you and me.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05You're the best friend I've ever had
0:08:05 > 0:08:07and I don't want any harm coming to you.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10You know your sister wants to have sex with me?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Lay a finger on her and I'll punch your lights out.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17If only I'd said yes to what he wanted,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20he never would have got out of the car.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Why? What was he asking you to do?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24He asked me to go dog racing.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25What, like on a date?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I'd hardly call dog racing a date.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Where he's from, it's virtually an offer of marriage.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- SHE SIGHS - I can't find the four corners.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I can't believe you, Tim.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Your best friend is in a coma and all you care about is whether he asked me out.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49You're right.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I'm sorry, Lee.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I know I've always given you a hard time when it comes to you and Lucy,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59but if you wake up,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I promise you can take her anywhere you like.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06I'll even let you walk through Kew Gardens hand in hand
0:09:06 > 0:09:09and you can woo her in the new exotic plant life exhibition.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12It's like being pimped by Alan Titchmarsh.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Please wake up, Lee.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Lee, it's Tim, can you hear me?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- Lee, can you hear me?- What?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I just said I'd give you permission,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28to sleep with Lucy.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29I can't do that.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Why not? She's a very good-looking girl, my sister.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36She's got Dad's powerful nose and my Romanesque jaw line.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I'll bear that in mind when we're doing it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41It'll certainly make it last longer.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Go on, Lee, I mean it. Knock yourself out.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Sorry.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Are you sure it's morally the right thing to do?
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Absolutely. And maybe you could, you know, return the favour.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05- How?- Well, let's just say if in this dream of yours I get back to my flat
0:10:05 > 0:10:09and Margaret from The Apprentice tells me I'm a naughty little boy,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I take my punishment like a man.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Deal.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18He's in for a shock when she turns into Alan Sugar.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS
0:10:26 > 0:10:28What's with the flowers?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31It was supposed to be a way of sweet-talking you into bed,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34but it looks like I needn't have bothered.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37It took me ages to untie them from that lamppost as well.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Why don't you join me?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43There's room for two.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Well?- What?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Aren't you going to kiss me?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Give us a minute. I'm psyching myself up.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02It's like when I went bungee jumping.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I was so terrified I could hardly move,
0:11:04 > 0:11:08and then I just went for it and it was all over in seconds.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10This is getting better by the minute.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Look, Lee, you don't have to do this, you know.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I want to.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I just want to know that YOU want to.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Of course I want to.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Yeah. But this is my dream, isn't it? Does the real you want to?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yes, she does.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28She really does.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Blimey, that's big.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It feels like a foot.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Like I said, it's my dream.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43No, I mean, it REALLY feels like a foot.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50If that's mine, I'm more flexible than I thought.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55All right, son?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Do you mind if I watch?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Dad, I mind if you breathe. Get out!
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Where were we?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10MACHINE BEEPS RAPIDLY
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Well, you're right, his heart rate has definitely increased.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15When did you notice this?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18It just started. Less than a minute ago.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20BEEPING SLOWS
0:12:20 > 0:12:22It seems fine now.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Well, whatever it was, it didn't last very long.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34It was probably something simple. Like a synaptic membrane spasm of the Buccal cavity.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40I heard them say it once on Holby City.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I don't know what it means.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46But to be honest, I'm not sure Patsy Kensit really knew either.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Wow, Lee, that was so...
0:12:54 > 0:12:55I know.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58..quick.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Don't worry, it's a myth that women want it for a long time.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- Anything more than 60 seconds, it stops becoming enjoyable.- Really?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10It's your dream, sweetheart.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I feel so...
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Tingly?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18No...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20All warm inside?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22No.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I was going to say I feel so...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27pregnant.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29What?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34You just got me pregnant. Isn't it lovely?
0:13:34 > 0:13:35How do you know, we only just...
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- Trust me, all the telltale signs are there.- Like what?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Well, there's that for a start.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46It's a baby.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Or should I say babies.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50No, you shouldn't. You really shouldn't.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Right, won't be a moment, I've just got to pop to the kitchen and puke in the sink.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Don't worry, that's because of the morning sickness, not the sex.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Having said that, that thing you did with your...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05SHE RETCHES
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Don't panic, Lee.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Just remind yourself this is all a dream.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12You're going to wake up very soon.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15You mean, you hope you'll wake up.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- What are you dressed like that for? - Like what?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Like a Chuckle brother in an ice-cream factory sketch.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I'm representing the doctor treating you.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28There's no guarantee that you're going to wake up.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32You have to accept this reality for what it is and make the most of it.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34What happened to me real dad?
0:14:34 > 0:14:39Right, I'm going to check out that good-looking bird in Ward Six.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Brush up on my gynaecology skills.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43And there he is.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49SHE COUGHS
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- You OK?- Yeah, I'm fine.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- Where's Lucy? Did you eat her? - It's me.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04What happened?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Women put on a few pounds when they're pregnant, you know.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12A few pounds, yeah. Not a banker's bonus.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13You still love me, don't you?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Hang on, we never discussed the love thing.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Well, what about what we just did?
0:15:19 > 0:15:20We made love.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Two became one.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Two became one? Look at you. It must have been an orgy!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You don't love me anymore! SHE SOBS
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Come here.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Of course I do.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Great! Let's discuss the wedding.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Wedding?!
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Yeah. We've got to get married.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44You don't want bastard children, do you?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Not really, but it looks like I haven't got any bastard choice.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Great. We've got loads to organise.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55I want a big white marquee, plus I've got to find a wedding dress.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Why don't you just get two marquees?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Look, can we sit down and talk about this properly?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06You've made your mind up, haven't you?
0:16:09 > 0:16:14- Let's go. - Lucy, there is loads to organise. You haven't even booked a car.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Your carriage awaits, madam.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Have you got shares in a fancy dress shop?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36That was the best day ever.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I loved your choice of music for me walking down the aisle.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43My Heart Will Go On, beautiful.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Well, something from Titanic, it seemed appropriate.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Ooh!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I think the babies are coming.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54I'll get a doctor!
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Change of plan.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Ooh!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05It's too late. Here they come!
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Ooooh...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Does the same one keep going round the back?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20SHE GRUNTS AND STRAINS
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Last one out, turn out the lights.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Ooooh!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Anything else in there, Dr Who?
0:17:36 > 0:17:40KIDS SHOUT, GLASS SMASHES Oof! That feels good.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Better out than in.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Right, you better help me get this lot bathed and ready for bed.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You start your new job in an hour.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- What do you mean, job?- Unbelievable.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Everything that's happened in this dream so far
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and THAT'S the bit that shocked you the most.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58You're the breadwinner now.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- So what's this job?- Guess.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05The way this dream is going, either rock cracker in Siberia
0:18:05 > 0:18:08or a professional backside wiper to John McCririck.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11But knowing my luck, probably both.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Why did I say it? Why did I say it?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I hope you're enjoying your sit down.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40It's all right for you, I've been working all day.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42What did you say?
0:18:42 > 0:18:46I said it's all right for me, I've had the slightly easier life
0:18:46 > 0:18:49of going out to work whilst you stay at home all day with the children
0:18:49 > 0:18:51doing a job which is much harder,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53but goes totally unappreciated by society.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Come here. Give me that.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Sit yourself down.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03You can do that later.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15What are you doing?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Well, you've been working hard all day,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19the least I can do is have sex with you.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Lee, I told you last night, I haven't got time for that anymore.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oh, I've had enough of this!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29The kids were hard enough, but now I've got to add on to the list
0:19:29 > 0:19:33celibacy and the job from hell. You know my right arm's gone numb?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35A bit of manual labour never killed anyone.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39It was the celibacy caused the numb arm.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Well, maybe I should take the kids and live with my mum.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Leave you to a single life with no responsibilities.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47You can jack your job in and turn the flat into a lap-dancing club
0:19:47 > 0:19:50that shows greyhound racing. Would that make you happy?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Go on, trap five! Go on, yes!
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Ohhh. I'll tell you what, you can say what you want
0:20:02 > 0:20:07about being hit by a Ford Escort at 50mph, but it's got its upsides.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13I can't lie, he's not progressed much in the last few hours.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Almost like he doesn't want to wake up.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Are there any relatives who can speak to him, see if that makes him come round?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Well, I've left his dad a message.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Hopefully, he's on his way.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Maybe I could try. He's unconscious. He might not know the difference.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- LANCASHIRE ACCENT:- Hello, son. How's thee fetlin'?
0:20:33 > 0:20:37It's your old fella here, come from t'up north on t'choo choo train.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Ee by gum, he don't look too clever.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45Why not waken thee sen up, son, and I'll make thee thee favourite, sugar butties.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Maybe you should try it with a cap on.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Me and your old mother are worried sick about thee, son.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Aren't we, me duck?
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- EXAGGERATED CHINESE ACCENT:- Ah, yes, me very sad, my wittle boy.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Me cry and cry and me think you are very close to dying.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08And this make your mummy a vely, vely sad rady.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16If he thinks his mum has turned Chinese, I thought the shock might wake him up.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Who knows, maybe it's me.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24In the past, I've always been able to handle a woman.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Sorry, it's just the club rules.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Not you, I'm talking about Lucy.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32OK, I admit it, I've always liked her
0:21:32 > 0:21:35and I suppose I've always wanted to be with her, but...
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- it just wasn't what I was expecting. - What were you expecting?
0:21:39 > 0:21:44I don't know. Me and her lying on the sofa, kissing and cuddling.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48She playfully hits me with a cushion and then laughs uncontrollably.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Yeah, I know you might say it's not what relationships are really about,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55but they seem to manage it on the DFS adverts.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I suppose I've just got to forget about Lucy and the kids and move on.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Sorry, can you move them back a bit?
0:22:03 > 0:22:08The last thing I saw when I hit the windscreen was the airbags going off and it's giving me flashbacks.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Listen, son, it doesn't have to be over between you and Lucy.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh, for the love of God!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Dad, what are you doing?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'm here to give you two bits of very important advice
0:22:27 > 0:22:28that may save your life, son.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Well, go on, then.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Do you know what makes a real man?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Not even a hint of irony in his eyes.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I'll tell you. It's somebody who knows about responsibility.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54It's someone who understands about caring for his wife and children.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Do you know what the alternative is?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00You'll end up like me, old and alone.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02And I don't want that for you.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05So get your head out of the clouds and wake up, son.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And what's the other bit of advice?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10You can look, but don't handle the goods.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Hello.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I'm the sheet monster.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32I live in your dirty laundry.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Your mum let me in.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41- What does she have to say to you? - She said just cos it was my dream I couldn't act like I wanted
0:23:41 > 0:23:44and assume everyone existed just for my amusement.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46And what did you say?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Put the whip down and put some clothes on.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Come back home, Lucy.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54What about the kids?
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Do you want them back too?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Course I do.- All of them?
0:23:58 > 0:24:03Eric, Ernie, Pele, Cassius, Charlton,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Stan, Olly, Harpo, Groucho,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Brucie, Keegan, Sid and James?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12All of them.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Even little Nobby Stiles?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Of course I do. She's my little princess.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I love you, Lucy.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I love you, too.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33My mum's looking after the kids.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36It looks like we've got half an hour to spare.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Oh, for God's sake, not again!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44You're like Christopher Biggins.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I hardly see you for 20 years, then you're never out of me face.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I'm sorry. It's not my fault this time.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- They sent me to fetch you. - "LIFE ON MARS" PLAYS
0:24:58 > 0:25:00It's time to go home, son.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04What's that?
0:25:04 > 0:25:08If those bloody kids have ripped off those roof tiles again, I'll kill them.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Off you go, son.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13We're all waiting for you.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16I can't leave Lucy and the kids.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18It's fine. None of this is real.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22But if you wake up, you might be able to make it all come true.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25All of it?
0:25:25 > 0:25:26All of it.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- Even the bit where you got all... - All of it.- Great.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40The bigger the 'taters, the creamier the mash.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Size isn't important anyway.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46We could do a deal on that if you like.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50TINKLING
0:25:50 > 0:25:53This is like being born again.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Except you're here this time, Dad.
0:25:58 > 0:26:05# Is there life on Mars? #
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- He's waking up.- Will he be OK?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Oh, I should think so.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14In fact, people who have near-death experiences often become all the better for it.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I wouldn't be surprised if the old Lee has gone
0:26:17 > 0:26:22and what you're left with is a wiser, deeper, more insightful version of Lee.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Oh, Lucy. Thank God.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33For a horrible minute then I thought you were going to be a great big fat pig of a woman.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52When you were in a coma, did you dream?
0:26:52 > 0:26:53A bit.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55What about?
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Just my recurring one about being chased by a giant orang-utan
0:26:59 > 0:27:00whilst he's strangling a cat.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I'm going to have to stop watching those Simply Red videos.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Come on, what did you dream about?
0:27:11 > 0:27:12I dreamt about you, actually.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- Did you?- Yeah.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- You were married with kids.- Who to?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- I don't know who it was. - Was he good looking?
0:27:23 > 0:27:24I would.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29In fact, I have.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33- What was he like?- Oh, you know the type, witty and erudite
0:27:33 > 0:27:36with a fine line in sarcasm that stays on the right side of endearing,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39and a nice light touch when it came to risque banter
0:27:39 > 0:27:42that always managed to be cheeky and never blue.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44He sounds like an absolute wanker.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51- Have you got any plans next Friday? - Nothing special. Why?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Thought you might like to go to the tennis.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I'd rather go to the dogs.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00That's not funny. I've seen you when you've gone to the dogs.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Is it a date or not?
0:28:03 > 0:28:04It's a date.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Good.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11I'll take that.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:33 > 0:28:35E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk