0:00:02 > 0:00:06# Yeah, not going out Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But there is no need To scream and shout
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Yeah
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:26 > 0:00:28- What's that? - It's called a vegetable.
0:00:28 > 0:00:33You should have some on top of your Wagon Wheel next time. It'll help with your rickets.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35You've made your schoolgirl error there, haven't you?
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Although generally accepted nowadays as a vegetable, the cucumber is in fact, a fruit.
0:00:39 > 0:00:46- You didn't know I was the font of all knowledge, did you?- No, I had you down as a vegetable as well.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- Why are you slicing them? I thought you were having a bath. - It's for my eyes.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54Better with... Or without? With... Or without?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Well, seeing as I'm looking at you... With!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Is this all in preparation for your big night out tonight?
0:01:03 > 0:01:07- I'm not going out.- Yeah, you are, you've got a ticket to a concert.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09A ticket to what concert, Lee?
0:01:09 > 0:01:13A ticket to a concert I never told you about, tucked away at the bottom of my handbag?
0:01:13 > 0:01:19That's a small venue. Who's on? Prince? Sorry I went in your bag.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23A fundraiser came to the door, collecting for a diabetes charity.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26It made me realise I really wanted a Mars bar.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28How did you know I had a Mars bar in my bag?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30You've always got a Mars bar in your bag.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Next time, you should have it with a bit of lettuce on top. It'll help with your hypocrisy.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Please don't root through my bag again. You're not my husband, you're my lodger.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42How would you like it if I constantly rifled through your pockets?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48If you must know, the ticket was an unwanted gift.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- From who?- 'Whom', Lee.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54What, that Korean bloke down at the garage?
0:01:54 > 0:01:58It was from Daisy. She's going to some 'battle of the bands' night.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00But I've decided I don't want to go.
0:02:00 > 0:02:05- If you're not using the ticket, I might go.- No, you can't.- Why not?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Because last time you went to a music gig,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12they all had spiked Mohicans and safety pins through their noses.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Yeah, well S Club 7 were better before they went all commercial.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- Come on, let me have your ticket. - No.- All right, forget it then.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Look, I'm sorry. It's just that I promised I wouldn't tell you about it.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Promised who?- One of the singers.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34If it's Gina G, that restraining order expired years ago.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Look, it's Tim, all right?
0:02:36 > 0:02:41Tim's joined a band and he doesn't want you there because he thinks you'll take the Mickey.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Tim? In a band?- Yes. - Your brother, Tim?- Yes.
0:02:44 > 0:02:50- Tall fella, light hair?- Is it that hard to imagine Tim fronting a band?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53If it's a marching band and he's twirling a baton, no,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56but a rock band? So why aren't you going to watch?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00I just think it might be a bit embarrassing.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Your brother's going to be on stage, baring his soul to a hostile crowd.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07It could be the single worst, most humiliating experience of his life,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09and you don't want to see that?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11It's going to be brilliant!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Come on. You know you want to.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Fine, I'll go on my own.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22It'll be easier to throw tomatoes at him if you're not there to stop me.
0:03:22 > 0:03:28Wow, you've just managed to name three vegetables in the last five minutes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Two more, it'll be the first time in your life you've had your five a day.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Tomatoes are a fruit.- Shut up!
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Hard to imagine, isn't it? Tim backstage at a rock gig.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I wonder where he is?
0:03:46 > 0:03:51There we go. A bag of dolly mixtures and Robinsons Fruit Shoot. I think we're getting close.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57Listen, when we see him, don't say anything to undermine his confidence.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Lucy, give me some credit, he's my best mate. I'll just offer words of encouragement.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Good God! Ozzy Osbourne's been tangoed!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15How did he find out about this?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- It was on Radio One. They did a big feature about you.- Did they?
0:04:20 > 0:04:25- Very funny.- I'm sorry, Tim. What could I do? He found the ticket.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! When do we get to meet Willy Wonka?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I dunno, but I think we've just met a six foot Oompa-Loompa.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I accidentally laid out in the garden a bit too long.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39What, until someone thought you were a bench and varnished you?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- It's a spray tan for the act.- Why? Are you bringing back the Minstrels?
0:04:42 > 0:04:47You've criticised my skin and my dress sense. Anything else you'd like to take a pop at?
0:04:47 > 0:04:53- I'd go for the ear piercing. Sorry. - I see you've gone for the left ear. That's the gay one, isn't it?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56It's not actually because I Googled it. The right one's the gay ear.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58How can you have a gay ear?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03It's like having straight teeth.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Or bi-focals.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Very good.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Oh, yeah. Or a...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12..lesbian ankle.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Well, at least I'm not sticking to the same look I've had since 1993.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20You wouldn't know where to go for a piercing.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Yeah, exactly. But we do. Claire's Accessories.
0:05:25 > 0:05:31Right dude, we're on next. Stop chatting up the ladies.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Though I can see why you'd been tempted. What's not to like?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Because it would be incest?
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- Well, wish me luck.- Tim, are you sure you want to do this?
0:05:43 > 0:05:49Yeah, why don't you forget all about it, go home and run yourself a nice hot bath of creosote remover.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Oh, you're really enjoying this, aren't you?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Well, just you wait until I'm out there on stage. You won't be enjoying it then.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02HOPELESSLY OUT OF TUNE # All by myself... #
0:06:02 > 0:06:04CROWD BOOS
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Blimey, they're not a very forgiving crowd, are they?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Forgiving? Jesus would find it hard not to throw his sandals.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14You don't deserve to live!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Well, someone's got to be the Simon Cowell figure.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20CROWD: Boo! Boo!
0:06:20 > 0:06:25CROWD: Off! Off! Off!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- That was Yellow Snow.- CROWD: BOO!
0:06:28 > 0:06:33Next up, give it up for The Auditors.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35SPARSE CLAPPING
0:06:40 > 0:06:44BOTTLE SMASHES
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Sorry, darling. Didn't realise it was you.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50He's not going to do banter with the crowd, is he?
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Please, no. I told him to say just hello. Please just hello, Tim.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57How do you do, London?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Oh, God.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Or perhaps I should say Blackpool. Why Blackpool?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Because now's the time for us to provide you with some rock!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I'm going to be sick.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16I need to get out of here before he says, "Here's a little ditty".
0:07:16 > 0:07:18And here's a little ditty
0:07:18 > 0:07:22that goes by the name of Viva Las Vegas. Hit it!
0:07:28 > 0:07:31# Bright light city Going to set my soul
0:07:31 > 0:07:34# Going to set my soul on fire
0:07:34 > 0:07:38# Got a whole lotta money That's ready to burn. #
0:07:38 > 0:07:40This is great. Go, Tim!
0:07:40 > 0:07:41# So get those stakes up higher
0:07:41 > 0:07:44# There's a thousand pretty women Waiting' out there. #
0:07:44 > 0:07:51Somewhere in a parallel universe, Alice Cooper is advising someone on the tax advantages of a cash ISA.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53# Viva Las Vegas. #
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Did you write this one, darling?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57# Viva Las Vegas. #
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Dance!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03GUITAR SOLO
0:08:11 > 0:08:13CROWD CHEERS
0:08:19 > 0:08:21What a winker...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25# Viva
0:08:25 > 0:08:30# Viva Las Vagas. #
0:08:30 > 0:08:33CHEERING
0:08:33 > 0:08:38- Here he is, the champion! - Don't make me get security!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40You were amazing, Tim. You so deserved to win.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh well, it was only the heat.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Yeah, but we're in the final now.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47And if we win that, who knows what lies ahead.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- Yeah, Tim, the future's bright, the future's...- Shut it!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You not going to introduce your friends?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Oh no, it's fine, we all know each other.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59This is Lee, Daisy, and I believe you two have already met.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- Hope you didn't mind the kiss. - Why me? There were so many other people in there?
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- I only saw you.- You might want to get that checked out, it sounds like cataracts.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14- I'm Lucy, Tim's sister. - Hi Lucy, Tim's sister. I'm Stretch.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Stretch? Where were you conceived, Parkhurst?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21It's a childhood nickname, it stuck.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I like it, you know, the purity of it. If people can sum you up in one word.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I've got one.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Lots of big musicians only go by one name.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You know, Seal, Bono, Sting.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36H from Steps. That's just one letter, how cool is that?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Well, why not go further? Prince changed his name to a symbol.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43That's good, I like it. Maybe I'll do that.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Yeah, like that bloke from Guns 'n' Roses who changed it to a punctuation mark.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49You know, Slash.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Maybe you could change yours to Apostrophe.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Or Comma. You certainly made me pause for breath.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Or Colon.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Tim tells me you're the brains behind the whole operation.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Yeah, I suppose you could see me as the Lennon of the band.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13He doesn't mean the Russian leader. Otherwise he'd have said Marx.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15You know, stretch marks.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22If I'm John Lennon, that makes you the poppy one, Tim, McCartney.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- So if we're John and Paul, Daisy must be...- Oh, I know. Roger.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- What?- Sorry, are we not doing the twelve disciples?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35The Beatles. And if I'm Paul McCartney, that makes you my girlfriend, Jane Asher.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Yeah, or Heather Mills.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Or Jane Asher. - Or I could be Linda McCartney.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Jane Asher. Be Jane Asher.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- See, I think I prefer... - You're Jane Asher!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50We need to find a role for you.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53If I'm John Lennon, how about making you, Yoko?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Oh, good God.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Mark Chapman, pleased to meet you.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07Well, I thought you were amazing. And to think I nearly didn't come until Lee talked me into it.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11It's true. She was going to spend the evening in a bath with a cucumber.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Anyway, I'm going to have a quick chat with George and Ringo.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I'll see you later, alligator.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22In a while...dickhead.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I'm taking it you didn't enjoy tonight then?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30You were all right. Everyone likes a novelty act.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Jedward, Mr Blobby, Keith Harris and Orville.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Are you sure it's not just the green-eyed monster talking, Lee?
0:11:38 > 0:11:43That's what I always thought, but actually Keith Harris does the talking.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47The monster just moves its mouth.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58# I could be so good for you
0:12:00 > 0:12:02# Love you like you want me to
0:12:02 > 0:12:07# I'd do anything for you I'll be so good for you... #
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Piece of shit!
0:12:12 > 0:12:17- What are you doing?- Just fancied a jam. Thought I'd try out a few licks.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20And what did you do after you'd finished licking the jam?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Is that when the borrower came in and lent you his violin?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26It's all they had in the Cancer Research shop.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29You just bought that? Why?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Do you need a reason to save a life?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34You'll have to make yourself scarce tomorrow.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38I told Stretch he can use this place to rehearse with the band.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Why are you letting a loser like that hang around the flat?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Force of habit?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- You got back late last night. - I went back to Stretch's place.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- Oh, yeah?- There were a few of us there, it wasn't just me.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56What was it, a drugs orgy?
0:12:56 > 0:13:01No. Stretch doesn't do drugs. Says it restricts his flow.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I have the same problem with scotch eggs.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- So what did you do?- Nothing much.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Stretch played us some songs he'd written.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13They were really good, actually. Reminded me of Nick Drake.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Oh, get lost! He's a sad old waste of space who still thinks he's 17.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19If he's Nick Drake, I'm Donald Duck.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Well, if you insist on sitting round with no trousers and making an incomprehensible racket...
0:13:24 > 0:13:28And he's not a waste of space. He also manages to work for a living.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Well, he's meant to be a sailor, but you never see him on a ship. - Not Donald Duck.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35So if I sing a song or play the guitar, it's annoying.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36But if Stretch does it, it's cool.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Yes, because Stretch is a real musician, in an actual band, who play proper gigs.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46You're sat in your pants with a Fisher Price toy playing the theme tune to Minder.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Stretch said he might write a song for me, actually.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Oh, big deal. Anyone can think of a few words that rhyme with 'Lucy'.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Go on then.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- Moosey.- Oh, beautiful.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Now I know how Robbie Williams' mother felt when she first heard 'Angels'.
0:14:02 > 0:14:09All right, not moosey. Juicy. Oh Lucy, you are so juicy.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Please don't be choosey.
0:14:11 > 0:14:17Why don't you seduce me in your Jacuzzi.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Made by Zanussi.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Have you finished?- Kriss Akabusi.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- It's like being chatted up by Dr Seuss.- Dr Seussy.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Listen, I could join a band as well if I wanted to.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Well, let me know when you're ready. I'll help you strap the cymbals to your knees.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51You? Join the band?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Yeah. Why not?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Because... Look at you.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Pardon?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Look, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the fact is,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06well, you're just not very cool.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11That's like being told I'm uncool by...
0:15:11 > 0:15:15I genuinely can't think of anyone worse.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Listen, I may not look as hip as Bruno Brookes or Dave Lee Travis,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23but I've got what it takes.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Come on, I've always wanted to be in a band.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29No. And anyway, it's not my decision, Stretch is in charge.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And he's going to be back up here in a minute, so just leave.
0:15:32 > 0:15:37Come on, Tim. Imagine it, me and you, best mates, living the rock 'n' roll lifestyle together.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39We'll live fast and be dead by 30.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42All right, 40. 5.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45All right, early 50s. In fact, not dead at all.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47We'll go on forever just like Status Quo.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- With two guitarists? - Exactly, just like Status Quo.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- You've certainly changed your tune.- Exactly , just like... Actually forget that one.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Come on, Tim, I love your band.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00It's just your guitar player I don't like.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Admit it, this isn't about the band, or about me,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05once again it's about your obsession with my sister.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Oh, change the record.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Record? Get with it, Grandad.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11All right, shuffle your iPod Nanoo.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I'm not asking Stretch if you can join the band, so will you please leave?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20OK. Fine.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24I just felt I was losing my best mate a bit
0:16:24 > 0:16:27and I suppose I was just trying to find some way of clinging on.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31But I'll leave you to have fun with your new friends.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I've always dreamt of being in a band.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47And if I was in the band, I'd make them play the songs you really love.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Put that down now, it belongs to Stretch.
0:16:52 > 0:16:58# Looking back I could have played it differently. #
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I don't like this stuff anymore, actually.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03# Perfect situations can go wrong
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I'm in a rock band now. My Elaine Page days are over.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10# But it has never yet prevented me
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Thinking you can win me over like a schoolgirl.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15# Wanting far too much for far too long
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Pathetic!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19# Wasn't it good
0:17:19 > 0:17:20# Oh, so good
0:17:20 > 0:17:22# Wasn't it fine
0:17:22 > 0:17:24# Oh, so fine
0:17:24 > 0:17:26# Isn't it madness
0:17:26 > 0:17:29# He can't be mine
0:17:31 > 0:17:36# But in the end He needs a little bit more than me
0:17:36 > 0:17:38# More security!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42# He needs his fantasy and freedom
0:17:42 > 0:17:46# I know him so... #
0:17:48 > 0:17:50LOUD ROCK MUSIC
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# The ace of spades The ace of spades
0:17:53 > 0:17:56# The ace of spades The ace of spades. #
0:18:05 > 0:18:07We don't need another band member.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I know. It's just that Lee and I are best friends
0:18:10 > 0:18:13and I think he's feeling a bit left out.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14A bit left out?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16We're in band, not a sandpit.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I'm telling you, he's holding you back. Lose him.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I can't do that. We're best friends.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Well, that's a shame.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29The scrapheap of the music biz is littered with the nice guys.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Joe Dolce...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Rick Astley...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Chesney Hawkes.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Exactly.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39It is possible to be a nice guy and still a credible artist.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Listen, Tim, it's the final of Battle Of The Bands in a few days,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45and I haven't got time for hangers-on.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Lucy would be pleased.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52She's trying to get him out the house more.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Well, long enough to change the locks anyway.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02So, you play a bit, do you?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Yeah. Big guitar player, me.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06More chords than Tim's wardrobe.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09You been playing long?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Well, I grew up in a musical environment.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Is that right?- Yeah.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16A big hill in Switzerland surrounded by Nazis.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19There was three of us, Doe, Ray and me.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22DRUM ROLL
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Thanks. Do you want to move in permanently?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27And what sort of music are you into?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You know, the old stuff.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Dylan when he was still acoustic.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Michael Jackson when he was still black.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Tim when he was still white.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Tim says there's something you want to ask me.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Yeah.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Can I join the band?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- DRUM ROLL - That one wasn't a joke!
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Tell you what, maybe we could use you.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55OK, you're in.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Brilliant!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I'll get us all a drink.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Who fancies a cup of tea?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I could use a stiff bourbon.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04No problems. I'll get the biscuit tin.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Roadie? Bloody roadie?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Nothing wrong with being a roadie, mate.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Noel Gallagher started out as a roadie.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Well, there you go. Look at him now.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Presenting Deal Or No Deal six nights a week.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38If my heart was a drummer, I'd have to give it the sack.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Why?- Cos every time it sees you,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42it misses a beat.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I don't suppose it knows anything by Massive Attack, does it?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56# Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa. #
0:20:56 > 0:20:58CLEARS THROAT
0:20:58 > 0:21:01# Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa. #
0:21:01 > 0:21:03So it's not just rock stars you impersonate?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06You can do Ronnie Barker in Open All Hours as well, can you?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Big final tonight, rock star?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11How's the roadying going, Lee?
0:21:11 > 0:21:15I'm not just a roadie. I'm more of a manager/producer.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Well, you'd better produce some tea and biscuits, then.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Come on, Doris, chop chop.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Why don't you try doing what Tim's doing?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24What do you mean?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27# Fa fa fa fa fa... # Cough.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Look, if you don't want to be involved in the band anymore,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31there's the door.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35I mean, I'll miss the custard creams but I'm sure I'll have other things
0:21:35 > 0:21:36to keep me occupied.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39No, it's all right.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I'll stick around, keep an eye on things.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45How do you like your coffee?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I like my coffee like I like my women.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Oh, please mess this up and say extra large.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Hot, sweet and first thing in the morning.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57That's funny, cos I like my coffee like I like my guitar players.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59With boiling hot water poured on it.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02I finished the song.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03My song?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Yeah. I've called it "Lucy".
0:22:06 > 0:22:08That's so sweet.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Elvis, take a pew.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12There you go.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I can't sing this.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16But you're the singer. Sing.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18She's my sister. Isn't that a bit...?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Sing.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24# Oh, Lucy
0:22:24 > 0:22:28# I want to take you on the blue sea
0:22:28 > 0:22:30# I want you to draw me in. #
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I'm not entirely comfortable with...
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Sing.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36# I see you naked in the moonlight
0:22:36 > 0:22:39# Let me touch your skin. #
0:22:39 > 0:22:40There's no way I'm doing the next bit.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Chorus!
0:22:42 > 0:22:43# Want to take you home
0:22:43 > 0:22:45# Want to make you moan
0:22:45 > 0:22:48# Let's go to bed and have some fun
0:22:48 > 0:22:50# I'll bring the hotdog
0:22:50 > 0:22:53# You bring the bun
0:22:55 > 0:22:57# Oh, Lucy
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# Let's make love tonight. #
0:23:03 > 0:23:05That was beautiful.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09The Auditors. You're up next.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Crap. I've left my jacket in the van.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Doris, be a good girl. Go get it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Yeah, and hurry up.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18If we win this final tonight, who knows what it'll lead to.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Carry on with that fake tan, you might be up for a MOBO.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Are you the roadie with The Auditors?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Yeah.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Well, tell Stretch I said it's over.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34And tell him he can have this eternity ring back.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37And he can have his flat keys back as well.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Please tell me you haven't got any of his furniture.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43No, but I've these he might want back. I found them under his bed.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45It's the lyrics to the song he supposedly wrote for me.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49I thought this song was called Lucy and he was going to "take her on the blue sea."
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Yeah, well, my name's Grace
0:23:51 > 0:23:53and he was going to "take me to another place."
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Just like he was going to "take Marie and set her free."
0:23:57 > 0:24:00"Take June to the moon." "Take Eva and never leave her."
0:24:00 > 0:24:04And "take Miss Pippy up the Mississippi."
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Good job he never dated Samantha Janus.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Hey, Doris. Where's my jacket?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17If you want your jacket, you can get some other idiot to fetch it.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19All right.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Tim, get my jacket.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Hang on, Tim.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26I know you all think the sun shines out of this man's plectrum,
0:24:26 > 0:24:27but I'm afraid to tell you
0:24:27 > 0:24:29there's about half a dozen other Lucys out there.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32So then who the hell is this one?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38And that song he wrote for you, he wrote for loads of women.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Look, pussycat. - Please don't call me pussycat.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45This...really...
0:24:45 > 0:24:46sticks in the throat.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Probably fur balls.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50What an arse.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Right, I'm out of here.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- Hang on, the competition. - What's the point?
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Something tells me I'm not getting the prize I really came for.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03He meant intercourse with...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06We know what he meant.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Well, thank you very much.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Well, the words were right, but can you try it without
0:25:13 > 0:25:15the eye-popping, orange-coloured sarcasm?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19I've just rescued your sister from a man who makes Warren Beatty look like Mother Teresa.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Actually now he's getting older, he does look a bit like her, doesn't he?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Can't you go on stage without him?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29How can we perform without a lead guitarist?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Come on, let's go.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Hang on. You need a guitar player.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35You're looking at one.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37But you don't know any of our songs.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40No. But I know a few other good ones.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44# I've got a good idea
0:25:44 > 0:25:46# Just you keep me near
0:25:46 > 0:25:49# I'll be so good for you
0:25:49 > 0:25:50# I can be so good for you
0:25:50 > 0:25:52# I'm gonna help ya
0:25:52 > 0:25:54# Help you like you want me to
0:25:54 > 0:25:58# And do anything for you
0:25:58 > 0:26:02# I'll be so good for you. #
0:26:04 > 0:26:07GUITAR SOLO
0:26:11 > 0:26:12CRASH!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15BAND STOPS
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Wow. What a night.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35I'm surprised you can remember any of it, you were that concussed.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Well, it's a bit hazy,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38but that's rock and roll for you.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40The bright lights, the drugs.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42That was the paramedics.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46The women shouting, throwing underwear at me.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49That was me trying to get you dressed again in A and E.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Shame we didn't win.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Well, it wasn't just the injury. I don't think the crowd were that keen
0:26:55 > 0:26:58on the Elaine Page and Barbara Dickson number either.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Yeah, looking back I should have played it differently.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Sorry it didn't work out between you and Stretch.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Don't worry.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12A relationship can't end if it hasn't even begun.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Yeah, but you were thinking about it.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18All right, I admit I was slightly dazzled by his rock star image.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22And what about when I was up there?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Was I sex, drugs and rock and roll?
0:27:25 > 0:27:30A bit more like rumpy pumpy, Calpol and Shakin' Stevens.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Anyway, my guitar-playing days are behind me.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I've decided to settle on a far more tranquil instrument.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Very funny.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43You're joking right?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Please tell me you're joking.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50He's joking.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52BANGING ON DRUMS
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Oh, God.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00# We're not going out
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# Not staying in Just hanging around
0:28:03 > 0:28:04# With my head in a spin
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:28:07 > 0:28:11# We're not going out
0:28:11 > 0:28:14# We are not going out. #
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd