0:00:02 > 0:00:06# Yeah, not going out I'm not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Yeah, not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:19# We are not going out. #
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Do you ever empty that dishwasher?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28I'm not the one that keeps filling it up.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30PHONE RINGS
0:00:40 > 0:00:42What's this?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44T-Mobile?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Why are you hiding the phone?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Because I didn't want YOU answering it.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Tim wants to come round and watch the cricket. I hate cricket.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Well, why doesn't he just watch it on his own TV?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Daisy just got rid of it.- Why?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Because it was high-definition.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04She said all that clarity was affecting her brain.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07KNOCK AT DOOR Don't answer it.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Stop being selfish and let him in!
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Football's on. Chorley are playing in the Leyland DAF Cup against Frickley Athletic.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16If we win, we're in the final.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Are we? I didn't realise. What position do you want ME in?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Don't!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24It's all right, forget about it.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27It's only a semi.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Only? At your age, I'd count your blessings.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32KNOCK AT DOOR
0:01:42 > 0:01:44My beautiful son!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Oh, my God, say it's not true!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Shocking injuries, aren't they?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Oh, I didn't even spot the injuries.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Before you start worrying about me...
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- I'm not worried. - ..I'm not going to die.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00OK, now I'm worried.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02There's something I want to tell you.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05A piece of important advice, save you ending up like your old dad.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Go on!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Never go out with your shoelaces undone.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10So, you tripped?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13No, I bent over to tie them and a bus hit me.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- Thanks for the advice. - Aren't you going to let me in?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I don't think that's a good idea, do you?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Just for five minutes, son.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23It doesn't work, does it - me and you in the same room together?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26It's like putting a chicken in a room with a...
0:02:26 > 0:02:29well, with an alcoholic man who keeps trying to borrow money off it.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- Two minutes, then.- I'm sorry, Dad.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37KNOCK AT DOOR
0:02:39 > 0:02:42How are you knocking?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45This is my driver.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48And where does he sit?
0:02:48 > 0:02:52I know what you're thinking, but I'm not after your money, I swear.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54If I'm lying, may God strike me down.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56God HAS struck you down!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Good point.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00In that case, can you give me a tenner for the cab?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Here's 20. Take him back where you found him.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07He's only having a joke with you, pal.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Keep the change.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Hey! Where are you going?!
0:03:10 > 0:03:14You can't leave him there. Technically that's fly tipping.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Oi!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Oh, Frank, you poor man.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I know, love. I've been stuck in that hospital for three weeks,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25propped up, just drooling in front of the TV.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27You can't imagine what it were like.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I think he can.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33At one point, they considered switching the machine off.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Yeah, I tried that.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37He just watches his reflection in the screen.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Then the hospital said they needed a bed, so they chucked me out.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Can we do anything? - Well, there's a convalescent home
0:03:45 > 0:03:49said they can take me from Monday. So, I just need a bed for two days.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Two days? Before, it was two minutes.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53What's the difference?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Er, two days, actually.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I can understand what you're feeling.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02God knows, I haven't done enough to earn your respect over the years.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04But I want to promise you, here and now...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I'll not walk out on you this time.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I know you won't, that's the bloody problem!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- Lee!- It's all right, love. I can tell I'm not welcome in your home.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I'll see myself out.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Don't be silly, Dad.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19I can wheel you out.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- Agh! Agh! The pain. - He needs help, Lee.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26It's all right, Lucy, love.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I'll get some pain relief when I'm homeless.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I've heard there's people in back alleys selling drugs.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Lee, can I have a word, please?- Yes.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36In private!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- Where's your compassion? - Have you forgotten what he's like?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50This is the man who cleaned bird poo off his car with my school uniform.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Oh that's not that bad.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I was still wearing it.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- I'm chucking him out now! - OK, here's your choice.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Either you go and tell him he can stay for two nights,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03or I tell him he can stay for two weeks.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- You can't do that.- Yes, I can. It's my flat.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You're the lodger.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Have you any idea what it's like
0:05:10 > 0:05:13spending your life having someone just sponging off you?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It was rhetorical(!)
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Right, Dad. You can stay. Two days, max.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24But then you go to the convalescent home. Do you understand?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- Dad!- There's something I want you to do for me, son.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Can you wipe this tear of joy from my eye?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34It depends. Can you catch the vomit rising in my throat?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I'll go to the chemist and get you some painkillers, Frank.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Thanks, love. You're both very kind.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I'm filling up.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45You've already said.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48No, I mean I need the toilet.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- Argh!- Oh, great.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I go through that trauma, then you say you can't go.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03It's not easy with someone staring at you.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Staring? Trust me, Dad, I spent the whole time with my eyes tightly shut.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Is that why it took you ten minutes to find it?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14If it makes you feel better, Dad, yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Right, I'm going to put some bleach on my hands.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Stay there, Lucy will be back with your painkillers in a minute.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Nice girl, that Lucy. Is she still single?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Yeah.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Might have a go meself.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28You what?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32What I've learned recently is to live every day as if it's your last.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I've had the face of death bearing down on me.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37That doesn't mean she wants it bearing down on HER.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Oh, here she is, Florence Nightingale.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42These should take the pain away, Frank.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45But they're very, very strong, so only take one at a time.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Oh, don't listen to her. Knock yourself out!
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Oh, he won't need water.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Well, how am I going to swallow that? It's huge.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56You're not going to swallow it. It's a suppository.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04There you go, Dad. She did go to a back-alley drug dealer after all.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Well, I'm glad you're taking this so calmly, Lee.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08You'll have to administer it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I have already touched the eel, I'm going nowhere near the starfish.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Come on, what's the worst possible thing you could find up there?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22My hand!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- Are you going to do it or not? - Depends.- On what?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- Has our hoover got a blow function? - No.- Well, then, I'm not doing it.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Which is a relief for me AND Henry.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37The sooner you do it, the sooner it's over.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42You are supposed to be an absent father - you have let me down again.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Well?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Can you give us a bit of space?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Why, are you planning on taking a run up?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56OK, I need to nip out for a few hours anyway.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Will you still be in when I get back?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Not unless he's got a very powerful clench reflex.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Just make sure you do it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Come on, Son. Pull your finger out!
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Where are you going?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Putting on gloves.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17How far are you planning on pushing it?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I don't want to taste it as well, you know.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25You're putting in a pill, you're not taking out a rack of lamb.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Haven't you got Marigolds?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31You still get the sensation of touch in Marigolds.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Well, you're not using those.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37You're lucky I'm not looking for my snooker cue and some old Blu-Tack.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Look, I'm sorry, Dad. I can't go through with this.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Well, somebody's got to do it. You heard the lady.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51PHONE RINGS
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Tim! Great to hear from you, mate.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06So, let me be absolutely clear what you're asking me here.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08OK.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11You're asking me to come round to your flat
0:09:11 > 0:09:14and watch the cricket.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Yep.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- And that's it?- Absolutely.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Why am I getting the distinct feeling there's a "but" involved?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36You're too late, you should have picked up the phone earlier.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Daisy and I are going to my dad's to listen on the radio.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42And it starts soon, so I'll see you later.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Well, why not bring Daisy round too?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47And your dad. It'll be good company for MY dad.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Your dad? - Oh, sorry, didn't I mention?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- He suddenly turned up this morning. - Really? How is he?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Same as ever - plastered.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Him and your dad will get on great.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Come on, Lee. What's this really about?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06OK, there is something.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09What it is is...
0:10:09 > 0:10:13I'm really envious of your relationship with your father.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16And I just think me and my dad could learn something from it.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Well, why didn't you say that to begin with?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I didn't think of it.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25If you and your dad are having relationship problems,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- of course I'll help.- Thanks.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31To use cricketing terms, you're asking me to step up to the crease.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34And I won't let you down.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Right, come in, everybody. Make yourself at home.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47What's happened to your dad?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Oh, my God! He was fine when I left him.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Well, I'm not surprised.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Apparently accidents in the home are getting worse and worse.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- He was hit by a bus. - Yeah, I rest my case.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Where have you been? You've been ages.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05You left him here in the flat on his own? Are you out of your mind?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I appreciate your concern, but he can't move
0:11:07 > 0:11:09and I hid all the valuables, so I think I was safe.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Geoffrey, this is my father, Frank.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- Fancy a snifter, Frank?- That's very generous of you, Geoffrey.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Er... He's fine, thanks. He's the designated driver.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Oh, come on. I'm sure your father could do with a loosener.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Actually, er, you might have a point.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32It's a bit early for whisky, isn't it, Dad? I'll stick the kettle on.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Having said that, if you want whisky, that's fine, Father.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37It's important we respect each other's wishes.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41That's the secret of a great father-son relationship.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45If you ever hit me again, I suggest you give it your best shot.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Then again, I suspect you just did.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Tim thinks it's wrong of me to drink in the daytime.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Lee's exactly the same with me and prostitutes.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Can we please try and keep it civilised, Dad?
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Oh, I'm sorry. It's a delight to meet you all. Charmed, I'm sure.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09And now that we're acquainted, which one of you
0:12:09 > 0:12:12is going to be sticking a pill up my arsehole today?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I beg your pardon?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Ignore him. The medication's affecting him.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I wish. If we have to wait any longer,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I'm going to grab a mirror and some barbecue tongues.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I'm going to help Tim with the tea.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Thanks for coming round, mate. I really appreciate it.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Seeing how you and your dad interact, it's a real lesson
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- in what a father and son should be. - Thanks.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I sometimes look at your father and I think,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"How does that man's son manage to escape the vicious clutches
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"of his upbringing and become a decent civilised human being?"
0:12:46 > 0:12:49And then I look at you and I realise -
0:12:49 > 0:12:50it's hard.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Well, for what it's worth, I think it's mainly down to your efforts
0:12:54 > 0:12:55that you and your dad get on so well.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- Really?- Yeah. You're a very unselfish person, Tim.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01You'll always do anything for anybody.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I suppose I am always willing to go that extra yard.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Imagine if it was a few inches, you probably wouldn't bat an eyelid.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Exactly! If there's anything I can do for either you or your dad,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14just let me know.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Well, there is something, actually.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Name it.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Oh, nothing special. Just help him with the remote control,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25keep him company, read the newspaper to him,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27stick this up his bottom, make him a cup of tea.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Goodbye.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Well, if it's such a big deal,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I'LL make the tea.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I should have known. This is nothing to do with learning to communicate with your father.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39You just thought you'd butter me up first.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Good idea. I'll get the Lurpak.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Daisy, Dad, we're leaving. - We've only just got here.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49I just found out the real reason Lee asked us round.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Oh, is it not for the cricket?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54No. More like potholing.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55What?
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Oh, for goodness sake, can you just spit it out?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Well, I can, but HE won't be able to.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- I need a suppository.- And what's the problem?- What's the problem?!
0:14:06 > 0:14:11I'm not doing it! And he won't do it because he's got some sort of a weird psychological fear of his dad.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Indoor voices, Tim.- Sorry.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- Right, well, this is easily fixed. Give it here.- Dad!
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Oh, for goodness sake, Timothy,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22it's not going to bite me.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25It's only a mouth with no teeth.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28When I was in the Army, we did this sort of thing all the time.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- That's disgusting.- Why? - You were in catering.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Thanks, Geoffrey. Make sure he doesn't steal your watch.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Right, I think we should leave these two to get better acquainted.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Right, Frank. What's the simplest way of going about this business?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Well, I can hold my own weight for a bit, Geoffrey,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50then I'll be clenching.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Best if I get down on my knees then, I should think. >
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- Do you want to turn the radio on? - Good idea.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00# The only way is up... #
0:15:06 > 0:15:08TV IS ON
0:15:17 > 0:15:20A good pair of hands, that second slip.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23He's not the only one.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25You could learn a lot from this man, Lee.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28This man, who shoved his finger up my back passage
0:15:28 > 0:15:31without a thought for his own safety.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Very brave! A man's backside is no place for a chicken.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Do you mind if we just focus on the cricket?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Don't worry, he'll soon lose interest.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43He was like this with my mum at first. Full of affection,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46but soon as he'd put a ring on her finger, everything changed.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50What are you shaking your head at?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53What you made my father do was disgusting.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56It would have been more disgusting if your dad had done it for you.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- How do you work that out?- Because I know what you're like with pills.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02You'd have had to mash them up with jam first.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Good point. What do you reckon, Geoffrey?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I'll tell you what I reckon, since you ask.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11It's a pretty poor state of affairs when a son can't step up
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- and help out his old father. - You tell him, Geoffrey.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Tim and I might have our differences occasionally
0:16:17 > 0:16:19but I know he's there for me when it matters.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24If I needed help, he wouldn't hesitate, would you, Tim?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- You don't need help, do you? - No.- Wouldn't hesitate for a second.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32That's beautiful, that. Why can't you be more like Tim?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I HAVE helped you. I've given you a place to stay.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- It's not yours, it's Lucy's. - I'm looking after him.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40You went to the pub and didn't come back for two hours.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44You what? You once went to the pub and didn't come back for two bloody years.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Sometimes I wonder if Lee wishes I was dead.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Don't be silly, Dad. I stopped thinking like that
0:16:50 > 0:16:52when Jim'll Fix It ended.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54How on earth can you talk to your father like that
0:16:54 > 0:16:56when he's in such a state? It's a disgrace.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Geoffrey's right, you should be ashamed of yourself.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I doubt whether he's capable of shame.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06- Says the man who volunteered to stick his fingers up my dad's bum.- It's more than you've ever done for me.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10What about all those years I spent bringing you up? Totally wasted.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14I remember the years you spent bringing me up totally wasted.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16And that's why I'm not putting up with it now.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18What are you doing?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I think YOU need a breath of fresh air.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I don't need a breath of ANY air.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26That can be arranged too. Say goodbye, you're leaving.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Agh! Where are you taking me?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Back to the hospital. - I've told you, they're full.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Maybe the Maternity Ward will have you back. It's only been 68 years.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Is there nothing I can say that'll make you help me?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Yeah, two words. "Assisted" and "suicide".
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Where are you going?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Did you give him that suppository? - Yes.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50No. He got your dad to do it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52My dad?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I never asked him to, he volunteered!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Volunteered?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Well, he put his hand up.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Oh, what's the point? You're not capable of compassion, are you, Lee?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I'm sorry, Frank.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06I'm sorry for both of you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11You've messed up there, haven't you, son?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- What do you mean? - You know exactly what I mean.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17You think the world of her, it's obvious.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19That was an opportunity to get you closer together.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22If there's one thing I know, it's that a woman needs to be
0:18:22 > 0:18:26with someone she considers as a thoughtful and compassionate person.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- What are you saying?- I'm saying if you hadn't been a bastard with me,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- you could have been banging her by now.- Taxi!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Whatever you're looking for, Lee,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43you won't find it at the bottom of a glass.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45So, what are you doing here?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Looking for a beer mat.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Don't worry about Lucy, she'll come round.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55When I was 11, I accidentally stood on her My Little Pony set
0:18:55 > 0:18:58and broke it. I thought she'd never forgive me.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01But she will do one day.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04So, are you going to visit your dad in hospital?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06No. That's it this time. It's over.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I'll never hear from him again.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Hello, son.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18For a man with no power of movement, you get around quite a bit, don't you?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21You're like Stephen Hawking after he's had too much Sunny Delight.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Can we talk?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I'll leave you alone for a few minutes.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Can you give us 20, Tim? - 20 minutes, fine.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31No, 20 quid for the cab.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34What do you want, Dad?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36That's very kind of you.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38A pint of mild and a packet of peanuts.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Aren't you allergic to peanuts?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Don't they make your neck swell up and restrict your breathing?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- No.- You can forget the peanuts, then.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Look, I don't want to be responsible for spoiling your happiness.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I just want to help sort things out between you and Lucy.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- How?- By us pretending to get on.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Pretending? - Just take me back in for two nights.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00And I'll spend all that time telling Lucy what a great son you are.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02All the wonderful things you've done for me.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04By the time I go in the convalescent home,
0:20:04 > 0:20:06she'll think very highly of you.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Well...?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I suppose it's worth a try.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13You won't regret this, Lee. Give us a hug.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Yeah, let's not, eh, Dad? - You're right.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Anyway, in my condition, it'll probably finish me off.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Come here, you old bugger!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27# It's not time to make a change
0:20:27 > 0:20:32# Just relax and take it easy
0:20:32 > 0:20:36# You're still young, that's your fault
0:20:36 > 0:20:40# There's so much you have to know
0:20:40 > 0:20:43# Find a girl, settle down
0:20:43 > 0:20:48# If you want, you can marry
0:20:48 > 0:20:50# Look at me, I am old
0:20:50 > 0:20:53# But I'm happy
0:20:55 > 0:20:58# I was once like you are now
0:20:58 > 0:21:02# And I know that it's not easy
0:21:02 > 0:21:04# To be calm
0:21:04 > 0:21:09# When we found something going on
0:21:09 > 0:21:13# All the times that I've cried
0:21:13 > 0:21:17# Keeping all the things I knew inside
0:21:17 > 0:21:22# It's hard but it's harder to ignore it
0:21:24 > 0:21:27# If they were right, I'd agree
0:21:27 > 0:21:31# But it's them, they know, not me
0:21:31 > 0:21:33# Now there's a way
0:21:33 > 0:21:37# And I know that I have to go away
0:21:39 > 0:21:43# I know I have to go... #
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Thanks for coming round, everyone.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I just wanted to make up for the other day.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52You'll be pleased to hear Lee and his dad are getting on brilliantly.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55You're certainly being a better host this time.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Yeah, and Dad's the perfect hostess...trolley.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Ah, Frank, you've surpassed yourself.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Oh, not again.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10So, you enjoying yourself, Dad?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Yes, son. It's the best weekend of my life.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16It's only when you're in danger of losing something,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19you realise how special it is.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Sorry, a bit embarrassing, showing my soft side.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I think my dad's already seen that.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I can't thank you enough, our Lee.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I'm glad you're getting better.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32And it's all down to you, son.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34He's really been looking after me.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37He's been sticking them pills up left, right and centre.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Well, centre.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43It brought a tear to my eye.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46He's a good man, Lucy. A decent man.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48A physically attractive man.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51He thinks the world of you, you know.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57So, Lee, what's brought on this new attitude towards your dad?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Well, it was seeing how you and Geoffrey interacted.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04It's a good lesson about a father and son relationship. What's the secret, Geoffrey?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Let them know who's boss.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09That's what's missing from modern parenting, a good firm hand.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Don't listen to him.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14He's got hands as soft as a princess.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I shook Princess Anne's hand once.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20That wasn't soft. It was very leathery.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21- Was it?- Yeah.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Probably why she kept her gloves on.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30I used to want grandchildren, but some days it seems like a mercy.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Seeing as Dad's off to the convalescent home in the morning,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I want to say, "Here's to a speedy recovery
0:23:37 > 0:23:39"and here's to you, Dad."
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Bottoms up!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44ALL: Cheers!
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Credit where it's due. It's taken you a while
0:23:47 > 0:23:51but you finally did right by your father. Well done, Lee.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53You don't know half. We've been getting on so well,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- do you know what else he did?- What?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00You won't believe this. He offered me to stay here as long as I like.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Eh?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I said no, of course. I couldn't impose.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I mean, I could be ill for months.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10But, he made the offer, didn't you, son?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I did, yeah.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Said he'd really look after me.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Have a ramp fitted. Isn't that right?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18That's what I said, yep.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Ah, Lee, that's so sweet.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Like I said, I turned him down,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25but he made the offer, didn't you, son?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I did. And I meant it.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Did you?- I did.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Really?- Really.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Well, I've changed my mind. The answer's yes!
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- What?- I'll stay for the full three months, until I can walk again.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Oh, that's so beautiful.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I think I'm going to cry.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Unfortunately, though, it's not my flat. It's Lucy's.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55So, it's not for me to be offering people free board.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Oh, Lee. Of course he can stay!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00You've got me going now.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Me too. Blimey, look at me!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06It's the end of Finding Nemo all over again.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I really love you, Lee!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I've seen many things in my time
0:25:11 > 0:25:14but witnessing those two low-life reprobates
0:25:14 > 0:25:18climb out of their self-made mire of distrust
0:25:18 > 0:25:21and behave like normal humans
0:25:21 > 0:25:24is genuinely moving.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I think you're the only one not crying, Lee.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Oh, I'm getting close to it.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36I don't think that's exactly what was agreed, was it, Dad?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39No, it wasn't. But if I told this lot the exact words that were used,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I'd only embarrass you, wouldn't I, son?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Well...?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Great. Stay as long as you like.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55I think it's so wonderful that Lee's offered you a ramp and free board.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- It is. It is.- I didn't even know you did skate boarding.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Oh, this is so lovely. Go on, give your dad a hug.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10I don't trust myself. I'd probably end up squeezing him to death.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13What a lovely thing to say!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I can go one better.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I want to get an axe and cut him up in to little pieces,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20put him in a jar and keep him for ever.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Oh, I love it!
0:26:24 > 0:26:28That's beautiful. I really, really love you, son.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Come here.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I think that suppository's finally kicking in.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49So, he was never even near a hospital?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52No. Apart from when he went to steal that wheelchair.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Knowing him, there was probably someone still in it.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59And that so-called cab driver that dropped him off
0:26:59 > 0:27:02was actually his mate. He's really a plasterer.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Well, that explains who did his arms and legs.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I've seen a better cast on Midsomer Murders.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Did he really do all that just for free board and lodgings?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- Yep.- Who'd have thought?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- What?- An ingenuity for freeloading being genetic.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Anyway, well done for giving it your best shot.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24You didn't know there was any faking going on.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27You sound like an old girlfriend of mine.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33No, I mean it, Lee. It was nice seeing you make the effort with him.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37I tell you what. Why don't I have a go at filling that dishwasher?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40No, please. I've just seen a man stand up from a wheelchair,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42that's enough miracles for one night.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44It's OK. I insist.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47OK, but don't forget to stick a tablet in.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50On second thoughts, you do it.
0:27:54 > 0:28:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd