0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Yeah, not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# But there is no need To scream and shout
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# We're not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Must be an easier way of taking off those trainers.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Tonight on Channel 5,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36the tragic story of the girl that was born with no knees or elbows.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40I can't believe you're doing all this training just for a fun run.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Fun run?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Well, it's not exactly a serious race, is it?
0:00:44 > 0:00:48I bet you'll see more Honey Monsters than Kenyans.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50It's still 10km!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Imagine having to run to the supermarket, then back,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56then again, then back, and then again, and then back.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57- Easy.- You reckon?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Yeah, I'd use Ocado.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02You're jealous, you know you couldn't do it.
0:01:02 > 0:01:0410km? I could do it standing on my head.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Come on then, enter the race, show me what you've got, Paula Radcliffe.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Never say that to Paula Radcliffe.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15You said you could do it standing on your head.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Definitely don't say that to Paula Radcliffe.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20All right...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Put me down.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Oh, why is there never a vet around when you need one?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28You've got to train for these things.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I know. In fact, I think I might pop out now and do a quick three-miler.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34All right, well, take it easy, especially on your first day.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Thanks for the advice, but I was doing half marathons
0:01:37 > 0:01:39when you were still in your school uniform.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Only you could say that and make it sound like an alibi.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51HE MOANS
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- Almost there. - Aghh! Not too fast.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56This is like doing the three-legged-race
0:01:56 > 0:01:58with my less-developed Siamese twin.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- Thanks for picking me up. - That's all right.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03How far did you run exactly?
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Just less than three.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Miles or kilometres?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Minutes.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Well, I wasn't expecting to pull something.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Please don't say that when you've got your arm around me.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Especially not dressed like that.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Did you remember to stretch?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I want to get faster, not longer.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Enough of your sex life.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28You're not taking this training very seriously, are you?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Yes, I am. Pint of lager, please.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33And a tomato juice for the wife.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Anyway, what's the point? Lucy's right.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I'm clearly not up to this.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Is that what this is all about, then,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43trying to prove yourself to your beloved landlady?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Yeah, Tim, that's right.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I figured if I can run faster than your sister
0:02:47 > 0:02:50she might let me have sex with her.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52That's how all northerners get a mate, isn't it?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00You'll be fine, all you need is a sports massage.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01I know someone good.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03They helped me out recently with a squash injury.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05A squash injury? What happened?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Did you injure yourself letting the lid off the Um Bongo bottle?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Um Bongo doesn't come in a bottle, it's a fruit drink in a pouch.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Do you think the Chuckle Brothers argue like this?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Trust me, this masseur's brilliant. Give him a go.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Him?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25You let a bloke massage you?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Where was the injury?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30If you must know, it was a groin injury.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35What, you mean way down deep in the middle of the Congo?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Sorry, I've got the Um Bongo advert in my head now.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I'll book my own massage, thank you.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Do me a favour, don't tell Lucy I'm injured,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I don't want her thinking I'm dropping out.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Dropping out? In those little shorts I think it's unavoidable.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Letting a bloke massage you.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56You're unbelievable. I bet you insist on a woman
0:03:56 > 0:03:59when you get yourself waxed as well, don't you?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14DOOR OPENS
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Oh, hello. How come I didn't see you last night?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Oh, I just fancied going straight to bed after my run.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Oh, you ran quite far, then, did you?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Yeah, I almost ended up at the hospital.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32That's quite far, actually.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I'm very impressed.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40What you doing?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Having my breakfast.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Why aren't you sitting down?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Seemed appropriate having my breakfast high up.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Why?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01It's Alpen.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Ooops! Avalanche.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11What time you back tonight?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Not until late. I'm going to run back. Why?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I've got a woman coming round.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Oh, yeah? Has the chloroform rubbed off already?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23What woman?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Personal trainer. She's going to take me to the next level.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Blimey, listen to Usain Bolt.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Well Usain Bolt, I say tomato.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Well, aren't you going to get the brush?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Yeah. Soon as I've finished my breakfast.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41HE GROANS
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I might tell Weight Watchers about this idea.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oh!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Ow! Aghhh! That really hurts, you know.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09What is it you English say?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12"Without you having any of the pain first,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"then there is not going to be any of the gain afterwards."
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I don't think we say it quite as succinctly as that.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Arghhh!- You're making joke, right?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23You are saying I say this thing wrong way.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28It sound different when I say it because it is too long, right?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Hmm. I understand. It is funny
0:06:31 > 0:06:34You do know a laugh would have covered all that, don't you?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Aghhh!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Have you done a massage before?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Of course.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44Back in Warsaw I am known as Claudia Gentle She Goat Hoof Fingers.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49It translates better in Polish.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Argghh! I'll tell you where the plans are hidden.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56OK, time for T-shirt off, I think.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Why? Are you going fight me now?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- Off, please.- It's only my leg that's injured.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Don't be shy.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- I am sure you have very nice body. - Thank you very much.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08I've got a very nice bathroom, do you need to see that too?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11What? You prefer to do it in the bathroom?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Do what?
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Happy ending.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Are you going to read to me?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22If you like.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25You want to pretend to be baby, right?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29You want Mamma to read to you and change your nappy?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Are you talking on one of those Bluetooth thingies?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Sorry...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41are you erm...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43prostitute?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46No. I am a professional nurse working for NHS,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48this is new service we provide.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53You see, now I do joke.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Of course I am prostitute.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58The advert in the newsagent window said massage.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00It says "exotic massage."
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I thought it meant you were Brazilian or something.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I do HAVE Brazilian.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10You want to see?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13You just leave Juninho where he is, thank you very much.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I'm sorry, there's been a bit of a crossed wire here,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18could you just leave please?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I don't leave until you pay me.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22£100.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24We didn't do anything.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27That's not my fault. You pay me for one hour.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30An hour? It wouldn't have taken me an hour.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32How long would it have taken you?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I'll cover the cost of your travel card.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Pay me or I send round man.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44He has special way of dealing with people like you.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46He will break every bone in your body.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I'm surprised you need him.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58If you are hooker as well, make sure he pays you first.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Nice day at the office?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09I don't know what's worse.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11You using the services of women like that here,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13or the fact that she thought I was one too.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15What kind of hooker dresses like this?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Sebastian Ho?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Lucy, do I look like the type of person who pays for sex?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Not usually, no. It would be a bit odd paying yourself.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I thought she was a genuine sports massage person.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Is that right? And why would you need one of those?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I got injured yesterday running.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Lucy, think what you like about me, but I've never lied to you.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I thought you said the run went well.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39I lied.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I didn't want you thinking I was some sort of failure.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Oh, well, nothing screams success more than being caught
0:09:45 > 0:09:47in your pants with a six-foot hooker.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I thought you were going to be back late.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50I forgot my stopwatch.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Unlike you, I was planning more than 30 seconds of active exercise today.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Oh, will you stop doing that,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01following me round pretending you're injured?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03You're like an appeal for abused whippets.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Right, if you don't believe me, I'll phone that Claudia woman now
0:10:08 > 0:10:12and she can prove I'm telling the truth. Where's that number?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- You're such a liar. - It was in my top pocket.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Look, Lucy, I promise, nothing happened between us.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Blimey, rejected by a hooker. That's a new low, even for you.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I wasn't rejected, I declined her services.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Why did you pay her?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Because she rubbed oil at the top of my legs.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Just the tree trunks, not the acorns.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34And that costs £100, does it?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37No, the £100 was to stop the pimp beating me up.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39You've met the pimp as well, have you?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41No, I haven't met the pimp! And I don't want to.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44The best way to not meet him is to always pay to the prostitute.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Now you're just quoting the motto from your family's coat of arms.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58A lady of the night? Blimey.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Well, I suppose it is the oldest profession in the world.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I've never really understood how that worked.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04How do you mean?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06If it's the oldest profession in the world,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09at some point it must have been the first and only profession.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10So?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14So where was everyone else getting the money to pay for it?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Look, Tim, I need you to do me a favour.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Can you go round to the flat and tell Lucy that
0:11:18 > 0:11:21I got injured running yesterday and that you suggested a sports massage?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Are you sure you're giving me the whole picture here?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25What's that supposed to mean?
0:11:25 > 0:11:29You were very adamant about not have a man massaging you, weren't you?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Why do you choose a woman to do your cleaning?
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Because I don't want some strange bloke walking round my flat.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37I prefer a woman doing it.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- So that means you want to have sex with her, right?- Of course not.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Apart from the obvious moral argument,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45at £9.50 an hour, I want her fully focused on the dusting.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Exactly. And at £100 an hour
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I wanted her focused on my quadricep femoris.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53You are disgusting.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55It's a muscle.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I don't care what it's classed as.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Right, that's it. Come on - Where are we going?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03We're going to the newsagents to find that phone number
0:12:03 > 0:12:05and you can phone that bloody woman yourself.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07She'll confirm to you I'm telling the truth.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Right. I will.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I always think truth is a bit like an expensive cashmere jumper.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Ruined when stretched.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I always think the truth is a like an expensive roll of toilet paper.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Wasted on arseholes.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Where's it gone?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- I'm telling you, it was just there. - Well, it's not there any more, is it?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Unless she's changed her name to Puppies for Sale.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40She may as well have.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I'm going to ask inside
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Of course you are. Why let a little thing like dignity get in the way?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Hello.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Yes?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57There was a card in the window earlier but now it's gone.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02"School children only allowed when accompanied by an adult?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:03I've got ID.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07That's the card I took down.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11What about the...other one?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13You know, the...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15the lady...
0:13:15 > 0:13:17who does the massage.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Oh, that. I removed it.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I felt it was inappropriate.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23I agree.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Shouldn't be allowed. I blame the men who ring.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29If it wasn't for them, these women wouldn't be exploited.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31It's disgusting.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Are you looking for the phone number?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Yes.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Well, I've thrown it away.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Oh.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Is that all you came in for?
0:13:39 > 0:13:40No.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Two Curly Wurlys, please.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47And one for yourself.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Try Hanover Street.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I believe that's where these women like to tout for these
0:13:57 > 0:13:59desperate, sad individuals.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I hope that's not aimed at me.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05I'll have you know I'm a valued and respected member of the community.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Which way's Hanover Street?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24I can't see her.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Maybe we should ask one of the other women if they know her.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- This is ridiculous - You're damn right it's ridiculous.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33All you have to say is, "Of course I'll verify your story to Lucy,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"you're not the type of person to lie,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"because you're an honourable human being
0:14:37 > 0:14:39"who has some moral fibre and decency."
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Let's ask that one
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Hi, darling. Looking for some company?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Actually, I've already got company.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I see.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I don't usually do that sort of thing,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04but I'm sure we can come to some sort of an arrangement.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Oh, goodness.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08We don't want any of that sort of thing, thank you very much.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Certainly not with him in the same room.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I can just about tolerate having him round for Sunday roast.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16What?
0:15:16 > 0:15:21One day, when you're a big boy, I will explain why that was funny.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Look, what do you want?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Do you know where I can find a woman called Claudia?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Sounds like Dracula but without the charm.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Depends who's asking.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32You could be the filth for all I know.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35And I ain't no grass, so if you are rozzers, you can sling it.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Fascinating!- What?
0:15:38 > 0:15:39I haven't heard language like that
0:15:39 > 0:15:42since my youth club production of My Fair Lady.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Do you think you could help us out before the Professor here
0:15:44 > 0:15:47tries to kidnap you and work on your vowel sounds?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I know where she is.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51But it'll cost ya.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53How much?
0:15:53 > 0:15:5580.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58£80 for directions? My TomTom cost less than that.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01And I bet you won't tell us in the voice of SpongeBob Square Pants.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I could, but that'll cost ya more.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06OK, fine.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Can you lend me £80?
0:16:10 > 0:16:11This is going on the bill.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14You now owe me £80
0:16:14 > 0:16:16plus 20 years of self respect and happiness.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19All right, call it 85.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26She works from a house at the top end of Jutland Street.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31POLICE SIRENS
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Please tell me that's an ice-cream van.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Is this ever going to end?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51They'll let us go soon.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I meant our friendship.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55My life's over.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Your life's over? What about when Lucy finds out?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00All this just because of a stupid race.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- You're doing better than the other race you're involved in.- What race?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05The human race.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Oh, hello, officer.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Sit down.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Look, there's been a huge mistake. We're not kerb crawlers.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17We've never been in trouble with the law in our lives.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Isn't that right, Timothy?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22I was once ticked off for scrumping apples, would that be on record?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Of course not. That was months ago.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Look, we weren't looking for a prostitute.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Is that right?
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- Well, not that one anyway. - And which one were you looking for?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36The one that I had in my flat earlier.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40So you had one in your flat, did you?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Yeah, I didn't know she was a prostitute.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Did any money change hands?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45No.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Well, yes, but not for anything untoward.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- It was all above board. - So why did you pay her?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52So her pimp wouldn't beat me up.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I want a different lawyer.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59I'm sure if we can just find this woman, she'll verify our story.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It's a pity you didn't find her then, isn't it?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04But there's another lady here to see you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Oh, thank God. It's Inspector Clouseau.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Hello, sweetheart.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I got a call from the police station.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It's not what it looks like.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I know, it looks like a library.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23You didn't tell Lucy, did you?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Of course not. Why on earth would I tell Lucy?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Oh, that Lucy. Yeah, I told her.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I thought you meant my cousin's cat.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Don't tell me, there's been another misunderstanding.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39You didn't know this one was a prostitute either,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43you just thought she was an overly friendly lollipop lady.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Look, I know you're cross
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Oh, this is no time for jokes, Lee.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Oh, was that not a joke? lollipop lady...cross?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Look, can I just explain?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Forget it. I've come to tell you not to bother coming back to the flat.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Actually, I think he's telling the truth, Lucy.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07You think you know your own brother, walking round all posh
0:19:07 > 0:19:10and innocent like some sort of Hugh Grant figure.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Turns out you're just a...
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Well, a Hugh Grant figure.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Come on, Daisy, we're leaving. You can help me pack Lee's things.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- Where would I find a suit case? - I meant at the flat.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Oh, well, at least they've let us go.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33You heard the sergeant. It still might be going to court.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35People like me can't go to prison.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Don't worry, they'll treat you like a king.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Well...a queen.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Look, stop panicking. We are not going to prison
0:19:43 > 0:19:45and I'm not getting evicted.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47That woman told us where Claudia is
0:19:47 > 0:19:50and we are going straight round there now and telling her
0:19:50 > 0:19:52she has to back up our story to the police.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Oh, thank Goodness. I thought I was going home
0:19:54 > 0:19:57for a nice cup of tea and a custard cream. To the brothel!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15You know the last foyer I was in?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16The Dorchester.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20And you know who I saw sitting in there?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Gloria Hunniford and Patricia Hodge.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25This is what being your friend's all about.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Is he the madam?
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Let me do the talking.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Evening Madam... Sir.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41We're looking for a woman.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Which one's it going to be?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Blimey, Cilla, I preferred the original show.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Will it be number one, who says she likes her men to be tall,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54dark and pay cash up front?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I believe you've got a Claudia working here.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00And who are you exactly?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Actually...I'm one of her clients.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I don't remember you.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Well, I usually wear glasses,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10do you remember me now?
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Yeah he's the bloke who's always in the tree opposite the building.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Can we see her or not?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Yeah, come on, don't bust our asses.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24You're looking at two cats wanting to get jiggy with some hoes.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Hammer time.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Look, Tim, why don't you leave me to talk to the gentleman.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34You go and talk to the nice ladies, discuss make-up tips.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Oh, actually, I'm going to need some money.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42I'll tell you what, this whole not actually using prostitutes thing
0:21:42 > 0:21:44is turning out pretty expensive.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Actually, I don't suppose I could use my Nectar.... Of course not
0:21:51 > 0:21:55The thing is, it's my friend's birthday today
0:21:55 > 0:21:59and I wanted to get him something special, I usually get him a tie.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Claudia's not a Thai, she's Polish.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I meant something to wrap around his neck.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Actually Claudia sounds perfect, second door on the left.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12..and it's not just stationary that's tax deductible,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14you should be keeping receipts for everything.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Make-up, lingerie...prophylactics.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Careful, ladies. The first five minutes is free
0:22:22 > 0:22:25but then he starts charging his hourly rate.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27KNOCK ON DOOR
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Yes?
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Oh, hello.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36What is matter now?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Something other than your leg stiff this time?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43This is my friend Tim.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47We, er, need to ask you a favour.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48It's his first time, right?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50No, of course it's not!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Blimey, I'm 43, not 29 again.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01He doesn't want your... services. Neither of us do.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03This room is for customers only.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06If Ronnie catches you just talking to me,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10he will come in here with baseball bat and break your legs.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18OK. How you want to do this?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Separately or both at the same time?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Good grief. Is it too late to take the baseball bat?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Why did we have to take our clothes off?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30You heard the lady, Tim, this room's for clients only.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34So? People can still have intimacy with their clothes on.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Have you heard of cuddling?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37A cuddling threesome?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40This is a brothel, Tim, not an anger management workshop.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45This may not be your first time, but it is first time with hooker, right?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Believe it not, second time today.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51And if you think that's a shock to you, imagine how it sounds to me.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53When I woke up this morning,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56my only plans were to buy some waterproof bicycle panniers.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59What is panniers?
0:23:59 > 0:24:03A storage system to aid commuting, which attaches to the main frame.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06It derives from the old French word meaning bread basket.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I want to go home.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11OK. What is going on here?
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Like I say, Claudia, we don't want...intercourse.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Well, thank goodness one of us can talk the talk.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22We need you to ask you a big favour.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I got in to a bit of trouble with the police,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26and more importantly, my landlady.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Can you come down to the police station and tell them
0:24:28 > 0:24:30everything that happened this morning?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32You want me to come with you to police station?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Yes.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37OK. We do it.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Really?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41No. It is joke.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Do you think I am crazy?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45If I go to police they arrest me.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47And my pimp will kill you both.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Now get out now!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51OK, no more Mr Nice Guy.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Either you come to the station with us, or we tell the police
0:24:54 > 0:24:56exactly where you are and what you're doing to earn a living.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Yeah...that shut you up, hasn't it?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Ronnieeeeeeeeeeeeee!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Think about it, the police can't arrest you for telling the truth.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09It's not illegal to do proper massages and that's all you did.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11We'll pay you for your time.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13And Ronnie doesn't need to know.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17We can keep him in the dark. Maybe not.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18I was distinctly told
0:25:18 > 0:25:22if I took my clothes off I wouldn't get hit with a baseball bat.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23I want to see the manager.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25What's going on?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Everything is all right.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I thought these two men were not going to pay
0:25:33 > 0:25:36but we have reached an amicable settlement.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40OK, birthday boy, I think your time's up.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Yeah, come on, Tim, let's be getting you back.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Those parcels aren't going to pass themselves.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Where are we going?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50We're going to see your sister with our heads held high.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14HE PANTS
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- Are you sure you're OK?- Fine.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Just saving some energy for the other 9.5K.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24It was good of Claudia to tell the police everything,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26but how did you get her to agree to talk to me?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I can be very persuasive when I want to be.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31You persuaded her it was the right thing to do?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33No, I persuaded Tim to pay her more money.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37How's the leg?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Bearing up. I never did have that massage.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44What do you reckon? I've got cash.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Well, Tim has.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49You couldn't afford me, sweetheart.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50That's true.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52If you were a call girl,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54you'd definitely be the top end discreet stuff.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57You know, just really rich Japanese businessmen...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- Stop talking!- Right.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Thanks for taking me back.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05That's all right. All's well that ends well.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Yeah, I'm tempted to say it's a happy ending,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11but now I know what it means...
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I hope you've learned something from all this.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Course I have, try not to get injured when you do running.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20And when it comes to women, always keep away from very large Poles.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# Yeah, not going out
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# Not staying in
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# But there is no need To scream and shout
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# We're not going out
0:27:37 > 0:27:41# We are not going out. #
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd