0:00:02 > 0:00:04# We're not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# Not staying in
0:00:05 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around with my head in spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But that is no need to scream and shout
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# We're not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Bit early to be coming back for your lunch, isn't it?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27It's half past one in the afternoon.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I think the phrase you're looking for is,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32"It's a bit late to be having breakfast in your pyjamas."
0:00:32 > 0:00:34I think you'll find I'm using a bowl.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Is that right?
0:00:36 > 0:00:40- Actually, I think I got a few inside my, er...- No, thank you.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44- What are you doing with all those leaflets?- Never you mind. I know what you're like.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46You'll just crack stupid, childish jokes.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47No, I won't.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51- Yeah, you will. - All right. Try me.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52OK.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56I've just recruited someone who's going to be in charge of a big, new health campaign
0:00:56 > 0:00:59to get men to start regularly examining their testicles.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Well done. It's a worthwhile cause and I'm sure he'll do an extremely good job.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Thank you.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09As long as he doesn't get the SACK.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14It's like a form of Tourette's with you, isn't it?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17It's not me running round the kitchen shouting "testicles".
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- Do you know, you're exactly the type of bloke this campaign is aimed at. - Really?
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- Good-looking men in their mid-30s often have problems with their testicles, do they?- Mid-30s?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28You let good-looking go, then.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I was cutting you some slack suggesting you had testicles.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Well?
0:01:33 > 0:01:34What?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Do you ever check yourself downstairs?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Yeah.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Properly?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Well, until the woman downstairs tells me to get out.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47You don't, do you?
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Course I don't.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50"Check them regularly" - they're not toys!
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Then why do you play with them when you're watching CBeebies?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59At your age, you should be checking all sorts of things - like your prostate.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- I had it checked last week, as it goes.- I didn't know you went to the doctor's.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Doctor's? Oh, no, I had it done at Kwik-Fit.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I opted for that instead of the free wheel alignment.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10This is not a laughing matter, Lee.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Promise me you'll start checking yourself.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I'd hate for anything happen to you.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17All right, promise.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22So, erm, do you know what to do?
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Can we draw a line here, please?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26What, you want me to do a picture for you?
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Of course I know what to do.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Are you sure?
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Lucy, don't tell your granny how to...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Actually, bad choice of phrase.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34So what do you do?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I...you know, have a...
0:02:39 > 0:02:40and see if there's any...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42thingies, or anything.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45They're struggling with a tag line for the campaign, can we use that?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I'll tell you exactly what you need to do.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51First, have a bath, which will soften the skin,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54then roll each testicle between the thumb and forefinger,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56looking for abnormalities.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Isn't that how Heston Blumenthal makes sponge puddings?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Don't worry, I know this is new territory for you.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I'm think I can work out how to examine myself.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I meant having a bath.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Guess what tomorrow is the anniversary of?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21It's exactly ten years since you thought of a conversation opener
0:03:21 > 0:03:23that was even remotely interesting.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26The anniversary of Daisy and I becoming an item.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Four years to the day. She's baking me a cake.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Lovely. Will you be celebrating on this planet or hers?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36You're just jealous cos you haven't got a girlfriend.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Which you would have, of course,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41if you hadn't spent the last few years chasing after my sister.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Well, you could at least do your usual and deny it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- I've got other things on my mind. - Oh, great. Who now? My mum.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Don't be ridiculous.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55It's your dad.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58He's been coming round in crotchless panties and he's finally swayed me.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Come on, what's up?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Look, it's probably nothing
0:04:03 > 0:04:06but I think I'm a bit...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08swollen.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09You know...
0:04:11 > 0:04:12..down there.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16What? Since you thought of my dad in crotchless panties?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Not the Bratwurst, the Brussels sprouts.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27I was lying in the bath and they seemed a bit...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29bigger than...normal
0:04:31 > 0:04:34You know that time we went youth-hostelling around North Wales back in the '90s?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38And I said you can always tell me anything?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Well, I had my fingers crossed.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44How much...bigger?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45I don't know.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I'm not sure. I don't know what size they usually are.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Why? Don't you check yourself regularly?- Not you, as well!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Am I the only person in Britain with a PlayStation?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- You need to see a doctor straight away.- I can't. It's embarrassing.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02What am I supposed to do, plonk them down and go, "Ooh, how much for those?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05"Oh, sorry, I thought you were a greengrocer's!"
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Have you told Lucy about this?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Yeah, course I have(!) "I know you're just my landlady, Lucy,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"but have a butcher's at these beauties. In fact, grab a pen,
0:05:13 > 0:05:17"draw some smiley faces on them and we can use them as space hoppers!"
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Why would I tell Lucy? - Why would you tell me?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Because you're my mate - I thought you two were just mates.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26She's a woman.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29You don't talk to women about stuff like this. You talk to a man.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Having said that, men that order their dry-roasted peanuts
0:05:32 > 0:05:35in something called a ramekin are borderline, but you're all I've got.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Just tell her.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- Why?- Because if you tell her what you've told me,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42she'll make you go to the doctor's. I know how it works.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44You'd jump through a hoop if she asked you to.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I don't think I could get through a hoop at the moment.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Well? Did you examine yourself in the bath?
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Oh, right. It's even replaced hello now, has it?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07That Lionel Ritchie song would have been different if you'd have written it.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10I did it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Oh, good. And was everything OK?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16You know there's a reason they're called private parts, don't you?
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Are you OK?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Course I am.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It was fine. In fact, everything was...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24swell.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Well, that's good, isn't it?
0:06:28 > 0:06:29A lot of men aren't that mature.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- That's why the statistics are so shocking.- What statistics?
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Each year, approximately 2,000 men are diagnosed with testicular cancer.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Although it's the highest form of cancer for men aged 15-44,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45more than 95% of men with testicular cancer are cured.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Thanks for coming for the audition. I don't think you're right for Book At Bedtime(!)
0:06:49 > 0:06:52But, listen, only one in five men check themselves regularly
0:06:52 > 0:06:55and if they do find something, half of them don't even go to the doctor's.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- Really? - It's unbelievable, isn't it?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- You wouldn't be one of those idiots, would you?- No way.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04There's no "I" in idiot.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Anyway, I'll see you in the morning.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I'm glad you've checked yourself, Lee. It's worth doing,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17even though you obviously felt a bit of a lemon.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I felt that all right.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32# Happy birthday to us
0:07:32 > 0:07:34# Happy birthday to us
0:07:34 > 0:07:38# Happy birthday, dear u-us
0:07:38 > 0:07:40# Happy birthday to us. #
0:07:41 > 0:07:43We're four today!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh! Maybe you should give us the bumps.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Or I could just slam the door in your face four times.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55We've come round to borrow a baking tin for the cake.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I'm even going to buy four candles.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Well, I hope you have more luck than Ronnie Barker.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Was he one of the Krays?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Talking about cakes, did you tell Lucy about your...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"muffin" problem?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11What muffin problem?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Lee's been...baking.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16They're a little bigger than expected.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Too much self-raising.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Maybe you're beating them too much.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- You should try puncturing them with a fork.- Stop now.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Well?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36I decided my..."muffins" were perfectly fine
0:08:36 > 0:08:38and none of Lucy's business. Or anyone's, for that matter.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Do you want ME to have a look? - No, he doesn't.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Well, I don't understand, why can't you tell Lucy?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Because he thinks talking to Lucy about his..."muffins"
0:08:47 > 0:08:49makes him less of a man.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Oh, Lee, don't be so silly.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Some of the most famous restaurants in the world are run by men.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Gordon, Jamie...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Ronald...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Come on, Lee, seriously, get it looked at.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07It'll be fine.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Why doesn't Tim have a look?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Go on, you're always calling yourself "the bachelor with the spatula".
0:09:16 > 0:09:18That is not a bad idea.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19You're not serious.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You might put my mind at rest.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22I'm not...qualified.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I know, but you might be able to tell me I'm worrying unnecessarily.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29You might think my "muffins" are perfectly...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Tasty?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Come on, you keep telling me to get it sorted.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38If you say they're not right,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I'll get them looked at by a... professional.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Who?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Mr Kipling.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Oh, does he really exist?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I always thought he was made up.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Like, erm, you know, Florence Nightingale.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I'll tell you what, I'll go back home and make a start on the cake.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00You stay here. Looks like you're going to have your hands full.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Are you ready?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11This is perverted.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Perverted? It's not perverted, Tim, it's called friendship.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Oh, no, you don't. This was never in the contract.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20But then again neither was watching you drive my car into a cesspit,
0:10:20 > 0:10:21getting arrested for arson
0:10:21 > 0:10:23or having shotgun pellets removed from my back.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Yeah, that was a hell of a morning, wasn't it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It's not just a case of me showing you my testicles, you know.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Yes, it is. You're covering the other thing up with your hand.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I mean it's more than that.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38By showing you my testicles, I am showing you you're my best friend.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Can't we just start hugging?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Look, I've told you, if you think there's something wrong,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I will go to the doctor's.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Please.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54OK. But let's establish some ground rules before we do this.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Ground rules? You're not at a pre-op transsexual lap-dancing club.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Oh, I forgot about that. I must add that to the "things Lee's made me do against my wishes" list.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I was drunk. I thought that sign said "chicks with dykes".
0:11:09 > 0:11:14I got more than I bargained for when I tucked a tenner into HER knickers.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Rule number one, I'm only looking.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19You're damn right you're only looking.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I've seen you checking if avocados are ripe.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I never knew fruit could cough.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And rule number two - we never, ever speak of this again.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31To anyone. Not even to each other.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32It'll be like it never happened.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36I'm asking you to look at my bollocks, not bury a dead hooker!
0:11:36 > 0:11:41- Keep going. I'll let you know when you've thought of a more disgusting option.- You ready?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Just get on with it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59I know I said they were swollen, but you're not going to see them looking over there.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05They're absolutely fine, nothing to worry about. Pull your pyjamas up...
0:12:05 > 0:12:06What the hell is that?!
0:12:08 > 0:12:09What?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Goodness gracious!
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Please do not follow that with "great balls of fire".
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Slightly swollen"?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20What are you using for underpants these days? A hammock?!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23It looks like Right Said Fred sharing one microphone.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Do I need to go to the doctor's?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Doctor's? I'd go via the planetarium.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31They might want to make a cast.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36All right! What are you looking at, you pervert?!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46WOMAN: Come in.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Oh, sorry, I'm looking for Dr Kingsley.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Yes, that's me. Take a seat.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56How come you're not a man?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Do you want me to show you on the model?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03It's just that...I thought you were going to be a man because of...
0:13:04 > 0:13:05..what I'm here for.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Why, what's the problem?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09When's the man back?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10What man?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Any man. He doesn't even have to be fully qualified.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Why don't you just tell me the problem?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I've got this, erm...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20friend.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21I see.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23And what's up with your...friend?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26He's worried about the size of my testicles.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28HIS testicles!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30He thinks they may be a little...
0:13:30 > 0:13:31swollen.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36Right, well, obviously, I'm going to need do a proper examination of your...friend.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37What do you think it could it be?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Varicoceles, pellagra, epididymitis.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Very hard to say.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Yeah. Why do they keep insisting on using those Latin words?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49I meant without looking. They can all cause the testicles to swell.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Actually, in the case of varicoceles, they can also cause them to shrink.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Shrink?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58That's a good point. I hadn't thought of that.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Maybe my friend's got shrunken testicles?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I thought your...friend's testicles were swollen.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I'm not talking about that friend.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10I'm talking about my other friend - my real friend, Tim.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13The one with the swollen ones is more of an acquaintance.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Hardly surprising - he keeps showing me his swollen testicles.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19The thing is, if my real friend Tim
0:14:19 > 0:14:22had a condition which made his testicles shrink,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24he would think everyone else's testicles,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27particularly my acquaintance, were too big.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Do all your friends have testicle problems?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31No. Just the men.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I'm telling you, the doctor said my friend might have something called varicoceles,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47which causes them to shrink.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Friend? What friend?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Come on, Tim, let's stop all this friend nonsense.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54We both know we're talking about you.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57There's nothing wrong with me. It's you with the problem,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59which you'd have found out if you'd let the doctor examine you.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02A female doctor should not be examining a man's testicles.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Especially pretty ones.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Trust me, there was nothing pretty about your...- You know what I mean.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Come on, Tim, there's no harm in getting yourself checked out.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12No point being immature about this.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15If yours have shrunk, you need to know.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16They can't shrink!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Listen, Mother Teresa was 6ft 4 when she was 19.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I know mine haven't shrunk because, unlike you, I examine them regularly.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- And I know they're always the same size.- What if you were born with it?- Born with it?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- What if you were born with tiny testicles?- I was.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36They went so well with my tiny feet and tiny toes, it was a matching set.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Maybe I was born with these and I've never noticed.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42If you were born with those, the midwife must have thought you were triplets!
0:15:44 > 0:15:45What are you doing?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I am Googling "men's testicles" to see what the average looks like.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Find out once and for all which one of us has got the problem.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Oh, great.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I come round for a cup of tea, instead I get gay porn.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Shouldn't that plumber be wearing some sort of safety equipment?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Clothes, for a start.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Why's that one doing that?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Don't know. Maybe he's hungry.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14There you go.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Look at the size of those beauties! They're no different to mine.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20That's somebody's chin.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- I'll try a different site.- No, you won't. I'm going to get that tea.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29KNOCK AT DOOR
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Hello. I brought this back. Well, the cake was a disaster.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40I tried to make an upside-down cake, but I turned it over twice
0:16:40 > 0:16:44without thinking, and it ended up being the right way up.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I think I'm more of a fruitcake person.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- You know you and Tim have been together for four years?- Yeah.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- What was the longest relationship you had before that?- About a year.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Right, and in comparison to that other relationship,
0:16:59 > 0:17:04was there anything you noticed different about Tim when you started going out with him?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Well, Tim was a lot more grown up.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Right. How old was the other one?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Six.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Six?
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Yeah, yeah, they used to call me the cradle-snatcher.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17How old were you?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Seven.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I'm talking about proper serious relationships.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Um, he asked me to run away with him and live on the moon -
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I'd say that's fairly serious.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31What about grown-up relationships? In comparison to other boyfriends,
0:17:31 > 0:17:36was there anything - specifically a couple of things -
0:17:36 > 0:17:40that were a different...size to what you were used to?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Oh, is this about his ears again? Oh, you know he's sensitive.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46It's not like he keeps going on about you with your big nose.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I haven't got a big nose.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51All right, well, it's not like he keeps going on about you and your tiny face.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Will you get it into your head that it's you with the problem, not me?!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02How do you know?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- Be honest, how many testicles have you actually seen in your life? - Enough.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- I'm a member of a gym. I've got eyes like a hawk.- Why not? You've got balls like a sparrow.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Birds don't have testicles.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Come to think of it, they did have in that lap-dancing club.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17And you're honestly telling me
0:18:17 > 0:18:19you've checked out other blokes in the gym?
0:18:19 > 0:18:24- Course not.- Right, well, there's only one thing for it.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29This is ridiculous.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30No, it's not.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34We're going to find out who the abnormal one is by spending an hour in here
0:18:34 > 0:18:38checking out other blokes when they get naked.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40It doesn't sound so bad when you say it like that.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44And how do you think we're going to survive in here for an hour?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46It's over 80 degrees.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48We can pop out for cold showers.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Oh, good. So, if member of staff asks us what we're doing,
0:18:51 > 0:18:55we say, "We're checking out naked men, then having cold showers"?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Oh, Tim, I forgot to say,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08the woman on reception said no towels allowed in the sauna.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Looks like we're going to have to take them off.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14That's odd. Why can't you have towels in a sauna?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Don't know.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Something to do with...
0:19:18 > 0:19:19terrorism.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24It'd be very easy to conceal something under these towels.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27That's the idea, isn't it?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29It's for your own safety.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33How would you feel if I suddenly whipped my towel off and came at you, weapon in hand?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35And why didn't the receptionist mention this to me?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38She probably thought you were a regular.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Oh, and what are you? An extra-large(?)
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Funny you should say that.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I'm not taking my towel off.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Listen, it's not good for you, keeping it all wrapped up like that.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51It's like broccoli. It'll go all limp.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Much better to let it steam.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Yeah. Much nicer.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Al dente.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I think I'll just leave you two boys to it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Ohhh... I'm in some sort of Swedish nightmare.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16No wonder the Scandinavians have such a high rate of suicide.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I always thought it was something to do with IKEA.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Oh, Tim, I forgot to say...
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Don't tell me. Let me guess.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Did the woman on reception say we weren't allowed towels in the sauna,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34in case Al-Qaeda were hiding under there cooking broccoli(?)
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Something like that, yeah.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, it's no towels, is it?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48You two keeping yours on, then?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52No. Course not.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Go on, then.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56You first.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Come on, lads. We're all adults.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Bagsy you first.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I said it before you.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05You didn't say "bagsy". It doesn't count if you don't say "bagsy".
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Both at the same time?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08OK.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16One, two, three...
0:21:24 > 0:21:26How's your mum?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Fine. How's yours?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- Dead.- Oh, yeah.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You ready?
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Yeah.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Just like mine. Yes!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Well done, mate. On your...
0:21:55 > 0:21:57They're smashing.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Oh, my God!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Why's Lee looking at this sort of stuff?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- Hiya.- Hello.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Where have you been?
0:22:21 > 0:22:26If said I'd spent the last three hours checking out other bloke's crotches, would you believe me?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Just a joke.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31What?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Do you want to come and sit down?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Is there anything you want to tell me?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Oh, I see.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Tim told you, didn't he?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43You told Tim?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Yeah, he's been helping me out.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46How?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49You know damn well how. "You show me yours, I'll show you mine."
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Going to the sauna together, checking out other blokes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58So...how long have you known?
0:22:58 > 0:23:03Since you told me to have a feel in the bath the other day.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06If you turn yourself on, it doesn't mean you're gay.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Gay?!
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Oh, my God!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14I'm swollen.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Not because I'm looking at that!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21My testicles are bigger than normal.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I found out the other day in the bath.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28THAT and the sauna was just research to find out what was the norm.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- Oh.- And believe you me,
0:23:31 > 0:23:35after a 24-0 thrashing, I am not the norm.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38You looked at 24 blokes?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Well, 12, but it was two points for each.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- So have you been to see a doctor? - Yeah.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- And what did they say? - I didn't let them examine me.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- Why?- I don't know.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Fear, embarrassment, shame.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Oh, Lee, you've got nothing to be ashamed of.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Well, that's not true, but finally, for once, you don't need to be ashamed.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04You've got to go back and have a proper examination.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Come on, book an appointment now.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10I'll come with you.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12All right.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15But a young woman should not be looking at a man's bits.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Especially an attractive one.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I'm not coming in, I'll wait outside.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Yeah, all right, bighead. I meant the doctor.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Everything's going to be OK, you know.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38How do you know? You haven't seen the size of them.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I can feel it.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43They're bigger than I thought.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Read a magazine. It'll take your mind off things.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Nuts?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Dr Jenkins said he'll be with you in a moment.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56He? I thought you said you found this doctor good looking.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58It was a woman last time.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02- It WAS!- Dr Kingsley phoned in sick this morning.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06She'll be off for a few days, so you'll be seeing a locum today.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Will you please get this idea out of your head that I might be gay?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Sorry for the delay. Would you like to come this way?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Am I all right like this?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Or do you want me naked again, like last time?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Hydrocele? I've never even heard of it.
0:25:35 > 0:25:41- Sounds like something you get at B&Q.- Well, it doesn't matter whether you've heard of it or not,
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- what's important is that it's not serious.- Let's look at the key words, shall we?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Excess, fluid, remove, needle, scrotum.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52It might not be serious, but it's not crazy golf, either.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Did the doctor say what might have caused it?- No.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Apparently, it can happen to anyone at any time.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Especially...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04middle-aged men.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Aw, Lee, you've reached a milestone!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Shall we have a party?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Actually, we could have a BALL.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Don't make me use them as a weapon.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20KNOCK AT DOOR
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Surprise!
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I made you both some profiteroles.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34I've never made them before.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38I didn't know what size to make, so I compared them to my friend Emma's.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40She said she thought they were too big,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42but I think hers were just too small.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# We're not going on, not staying in
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# We're not going out
0:26:58 > 0:27:02# We are not going out. #
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd