0:00:02 > 0:00:04# We're not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hangin' around with my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But that is no need to scream and shout
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# We are not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:19# We are not...going out. #
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Bit of a waste, isn't it?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27I'm having a clear-out.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30And anyway, when are you ever going to drink elderflower rum?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32If I ever became a gay pirate.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37- What's this one?- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40It's called Braindead. It's my cousin Tony's home made potato hooch
0:00:40 > 0:00:42and it makes you go blind.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Tony? Which one's Tony?
0:00:43 > 0:00:44The blind one.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I'm serious, Lee, it's lethal.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50A couple of these and you'll wake up with no memory of the entire evening.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Oh. That old chestnut again.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Funny how we conveniently forget things when we're drunk.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Not this again.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02It was a quick snog, with a stranger, at a works party.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06And what's more, I don't remember it happening. I was very, very drunk.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Yeah, so you claim.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I thought you were my lodger. When did you become my husband?
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Yesterday. We got married.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15You probably don't remember, you were drunk.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Or pretending to be drunk anyway.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Why is it when we have rows, you're always so bloody righteous?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25I don't know. Why are you always so bloody wrongous?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27People don't really forget things when they're drunk.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30OK, Mr Memory Man. You asked for this.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Get some of this down your neck and we'll see how easy it is to black out.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Fine. Bring it on.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Very...potatoey.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I'm getting Maris Piper with a...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52subtle hint of Birds Eye Potato Waffle.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Well, I'm glad you like it. Let's get mashed!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09# Wake up It's a beautiful morning...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14# Wake up... #
0:02:15 > 0:02:17MUSIC CONTINUES
0:02:20 > 0:02:21MUSIC CONTINUES
0:02:27 > 0:02:28MUSIC STOPS
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Ugh.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35If Carlsberg did hangovers.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48Oh, God, I can't feel my hand. I've had a stroke.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Oh, God!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Oh...thank you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Oh, God!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Oh...God.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22What are you doing in my room?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Your room?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Oh, yeah.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I thought I didn't own KerPlunk.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Ugh.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Have you've been sleeping in my bed?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Yeah. I also think I've also been sitting in your chair
0:03:40 > 0:03:41and eating your porridge.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Why are you in here?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I can't remember.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Me neither.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Oh, well, that solves the blackout argument.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Looks like you're the winner.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01BOTH: Oh, God!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I take it you're naked as well.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Well, I kept my socks on. I've got some dignity.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16OK, one of us needs to get out of this bed.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19OK, I'll go, but I'm wrapping the sheet round me.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Then I'll be sprawled out on the bed naked.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26You can drop the dirty talk, you've snared me once already.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28If a woman wanted to snare you,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31she wouldn't need a litre of 85% proof spirit.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33It could be done with a wine gum.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37OK, plan B.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Always be careful what you wish for.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48What does that mean?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I've always had a thing for Tom Cruise.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- Where's my jeans?- Well, I've got some of them now.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Whoa!
0:05:15 > 0:05:19So, erm... How you feeling?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Like I've been pounded by some kind of jackhammer.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Barry White.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Proves it wasn't my idea. I hate Barry White, you love him.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Tea-lights... You.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Petals in a bowl of water... You.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Bag of jam doughnuts... All right, I'll take that one.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Ooh, sorry.- Please, can you stop apologising?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56OK. Sorry.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57I'm mean, I'm not sorry.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00It's your fault for having brutish hands that get in the way.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Too far the other way. OK. I'll meet you in the middle.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- That's not a euphemism for... - Can you just stop talking?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Sorry. Do you want some juice? That wasn't one either.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Look, let's sit down. We need to talk.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26If we're going to get past this, we need to agree on a few things.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Firstly, you have to stop flinching at everything
0:06:29 > 0:06:31that could count as a double entendre.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32OK.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Secondly, no more pussyfooting.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And we have to make sure it never, ever happens again.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47It won't. You know, unless we got really mullered again and...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Never, ever happen again, you're right.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52And most importantly, we have to make sure that no-one else finds out.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55That way we won't be reminded every five minutes, will we?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57OK. Deal.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58DOOR OPENS
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Well, I hope you two are proud of yourselves.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14You disgust me. Almost as much as Lee's bedsheets do.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I normally have a shower in the morning, but after lying on those,
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I think I'm going to give myself a good scrub down with some sandpaper.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26What was your brother doing here?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I don't know. He was meant to be away on holiday.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Come on...think.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:40 > 0:07:42MUSIC BEGINS AGAIN
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Was I using these powers last night?
0:07:50 > 0:07:55Actually, I've just remembered. Tim turned up last night.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Hola, mis amigos!
0:08:04 > 0:08:09It's Tim! He's talking Welsh and he's got a tiny new wife.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Tell him we're dead.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Lee says we're dead.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18But I've brought two hours of holiday videos.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Tell him we wish we were dead.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25He's never going to let us forget this.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I'm not sure I can cope with that.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Don't worry. I'll talk to him, explain things.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33It's about time he learned about the bird and the bees.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Having said that, this is Tim.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I'll probably have to take a courgette and lady's purse.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42OK. But in the meantime,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45can we please make sure that nobody else finds out about this?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Hello, you cheeky little rascals!
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Sore heads this morning, have we?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Tim's tiny Welsh wife has grown.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Will Daisy be joining us?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08No, she's gone back to your place to collect some things.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11You may have noticed we left in rather a hurry this morning.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Yeah. Was it someone I did? Something!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Don't get me a drink. - I wasn't going to.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Good. I've taken the pledge.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Oh, drinking furniture polish now, are we?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Look, Tim, it was the alcohol. I can't even remember what happened.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Well, let me enlighten you.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Daisy and I came to visit straight from the airport.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I know you did, I just can't remember.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41We brought you a dancing flamenco doll.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I know that too, but again, I can't remember.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47I told you all about the distinctive architecture of post-Franco Madrid
0:09:47 > 0:09:49and its numerous museum exhibitions.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I suppose I'll have to tell you that all over again.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56It's fine, I can remember all that clearly.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Oh, you can, can you? And do you remember your attitude as well?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Remind me.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06Lucy and you making out I was the most boring man on the planet.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- I'm sure we didn't mean it. - Is that right?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Apparently, it's the existence of cornicing rather than roof eaves
0:10:12 > 0:10:14that show it's early 17th century.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19You really are the most boring man on the planet.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Yeah. And guess what?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23We mean it.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I would've stormed out there and then,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30if you hadn't made us take a sip of that Braindead.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32There was no way we were driving after that.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34So that's why you stayed over, then?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Yes. You're only saving grace last night, and I mean only,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40was that you kindly offered me and Daisy your bed
0:10:40 > 0:10:42and you agreed to sleep on the sofa.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47What do you mean "sleep on the sofa"?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, where else would you sleep?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51We were in your bed, Lucy was in hers.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54So that's why you're angry, is it? Just because we called you boring.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57There's not something else I should be angry about, is there?
0:10:59 > 0:11:04There is, isn't there? Something else happened after we went to bed.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07You called me other names, didn't you?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Yes.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Let's hear them, then.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Poo-head.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Go on.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Smelly face.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22What else?
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Nasty, numpty, knicker-wearing knob-head.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Any more?- Bell-end.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Well, you've certainly upped the ante.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- Oh, not your auntie as well. - What?- Nothing.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Look, Tim., you're none of those things.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45It was just the drink talking. Can we move on and forget about it?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49OK, you're forgiven. Again.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Just make sure Lucy gets me my video camera back
0:11:51 > 0:11:53as soon as she's finished with it.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Well?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09He doesn't know a thing. He thinks I slept on the sofa.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Oh, thank you, God.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14And when Daisy came round to collect her stuff, she was clueless too.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Yeah, but does she know about me and you?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Ha, ha, ha. That's funny.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Sorry, I'm so relieved, I'm a bit hysterical.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24That's all right,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I bet I can find a way of wiping that smile off your face!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I doubt that.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Oh, I do like a challenge!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Here we go.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Last night, me and you might have made a sex tape!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42You woke Tim up in the night to borrow his video camera.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Oh, wait a minute...
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Lucy! It's three o'clock in the morning.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Just lend me the video camera, you meanie.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Otherwise I'll tell Mum and Dad you've got syphilis.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04It's on the table, just get out.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Ssh.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14It's time to make a movie, Mr Loverman.
0:13:14 > 0:13:20Don't worry, I won't hurt you. I have a very gentle touch.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25OK, maybe I intended to make a sex tape,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27but there was no way I'd have actually done it.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Well, there's an easy way of finding out. Where's the video camera?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I don't know.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34You going to look in my bedroom?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38No, Lucy, I'm going to contact the makers of You've Been Framed
0:13:38 > 0:13:39in case we sent it in.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Well, I found my jeans.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Have I got a tripod in my trousers or am I just pleased to see you?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Come on, then, what are we waiting for?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Rewinding the tape. It was right at the end.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09We made a two-hour film?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I have certain techniques for making things last.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I really don't want to know.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20- Oh, God.- What? - Just thinking about Tim.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22That's one of the techniques, actually.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I meant if he'd have seen this.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Well, let's not panic until we've seen it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Here we go.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Is that popcorn?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- We're not at the cinema, you know. - Ssh...
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Oh, God.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53'Come on, then, let's do it.'
0:14:54 > 0:14:56This is Tim and Daisy.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Oh, my God. How more perverted can this get?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03When in Spain, do as the Spaniards do.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I've already told you, Tim, I won't do it. The answer's no.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08This is their holiday video.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09'Oh, come on, it'll be fun.'
0:15:09 > 0:15:12It's not fair on the animals.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I mean you wouldn't go to a bullfight,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18so why would you go to a flamingo dance?
0:15:22 > 0:15:26If this was the tape in the camera, it means we didn't make a sex tape.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Oh, thank God!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I'm surprised Tim didn't ask Daisy to pick this up
0:15:33 > 0:15:35when she came round earlier.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Yeah, but you know what Daisy's like.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39She'd probably mess it up and take the wrong tape.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44BOTH: Oh, my God!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Daisy's got our sex tape!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Oh, hello Daisy. - Hang on, I want to hear this.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Hang on, Daisy, I'm just going to put you on speaker mode.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58'I AM in speaking mode.'
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Daisy, when you came round earlier, did you get everything you needed?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Yeah. It was just a few things.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12Jacket, phone, handbag, holiday video.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14So you found it all right, then?
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Yeah, it was in the camera. It's obvious when you think about it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I don't know why I looked in the airing cupboard for so long.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Anyway,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I took the tape out and I saw a spare tape lying next to the camera,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29so I popped that one in for you.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33So, erm... Where is the tape now?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Well, funnily enough, I'm sat here just about to watch it.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- No!- No!
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Sorry? What's going on?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Sorry. We just don't think you should watch it.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43'Why?'
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Because we want you to come round here and watch it with us.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Our way of saying sorry for showing no interest in your holiday video.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Erm, well, yeah, I suppose that would be nice.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57But I don't think Tim or your Mum and Dad
0:16:57 > 0:17:00would want to come round this time of night.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Why are you at Mum and Dad's?
0:17:07 > 0:17:08We're staying overnight,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11watching the video, handing out presents.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12They even come with different clothes
0:17:12 > 0:17:15so you can change them into whatever colour dress you fancy.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Blimey, even for me, that was effeminate.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Can we please get on and watch this blasted tape?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Sorry, Lucy, got to go.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28No! Daisy, put me on speaker phone.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Hi, Mum...Dad.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Hello, darling. - Oh, for heaven's sake.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37It's very late, we've got to get through two hours of watching
0:17:37 > 0:17:41people fiddling with maracas and riding around on smelly donkeys.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I think he's on to us.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49How are you going to watch it, Geoffrey? We've got Tim's camera.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51My tape fits Mum and Dad's camera.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Yeah, we've really had a stroke of luck there, haven't we(!)
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Oh, you'll be having another stroke before you know it.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Hello, Lee. Haven't seen much of you lately.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Ooh. Give it a minute.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Well, wait, I want to watch it with you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09You should have shown this sort of interest when you had the chance.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Then wait until tomorrow and I'll come over.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Don't be ridiculous, we're watching it now.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15'Yes, press play, Geoffrey.'
0:18:15 > 0:18:18You hate me!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- What?- 'You've always hated me.'
0:18:22 > 0:18:26That's why out of this precious video-watching session.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30You've always loved Tim more than me.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32How can you say that, darling?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It's like that time we went to the farm
0:18:34 > 0:18:36and you ignored me and paid Tim all the attention.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38He had just had a panic attack, darling.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Yes, I had just been got cornered by the livestock.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44It was a butterfly farm.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48And just because of that,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Mum and Dad let you sit in the front seat all the way home.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55I had to sit in the front, Lucy. I was driving.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59It's not fair! You hate me!
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Adopted.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I bet I was adopted.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Right, put that camera away now.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Calm down, Lucy, we won't watch it until you're here.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11For pity's sake. All right, we'll wait until the morning.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15It's not fair. You hate me!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Well done.- Come on.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Where we going?- Where do you think we're going? To Mum and Dad's.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Do you honestly think I'm going to wait until tomorrow,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27knowing that tape is sitting in their video camera?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29It's a long drive. Bring your popcorn.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44(Why did I have to come?)
0:19:44 > 0:19:46(Because this is your fault.)
0:19:46 > 0:19:49If you'd believed me about not remembering that bloke,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51this never would have happened.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53And how are we supposed to get in?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03WINDOW BREAKS
0:20:05 > 0:20:08(They keep a spare key under the brick!)
0:20:29 > 0:20:31We're making a habit of this, aren't we?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Two nights on the run banging round together in the dark.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38(Just find the bloody camera!)
0:20:49 > 0:20:53(Lucy! Psst! Lucy!)
0:20:53 > 0:20:56CLICKS FINGERS THEN FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Make them stop!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I said make them stop, not join in!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Hello.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23We were just passing by.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Thought we'd pop in and, uh...
0:21:27 > 0:21:30smash these dolls' heads against the mantelpiece.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Oh, look, her underwear's come off.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38She's a Basque Separatist.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41What the hell's going on?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I know why they're here. They're feeling guilty
0:21:44 > 0:21:47about not wanting to watch the holiday video last night,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49so they're trying to look keen.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51That's good. I mean that's right.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56For God's sake, let's just watch this bloody thing now, then.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Not now! I don't want to!
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Goodness, first you want to, then you don't. What's going on, darling?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06And why's Lee got the video camera in his coat pocket?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08There's something on that tape, isn't there?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Something you don't want us to see.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Don't be ridiculous. Of course there isn't, Tim. I promise.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Don't worry, we believe you, darling.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22If your sister says there's nothing on there, you ought to accept that.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Thanks, Mum.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27And when we watch this tape, I hope you feel ashamed of yourself.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29You can't watch it!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I don't know what's on that tape exactly,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34but whatever it is, it caused you to break in here in the middle of the night,
0:22:34 > 0:22:39so we're finding out. Sit down and shut up.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41You hate me, Dad!
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Yes, I do.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Sit!
0:22:48 > 0:22:49And you!
0:22:49 > 0:22:50FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- (Do something.)- (What?)
0:22:58 > 0:22:59(Pull the plug!)
0:23:13 > 0:23:15I want to die.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Hang on, we still don't know it's a sex tape.
0:23:19 > 0:23:26Hello, viewers, and welcome to Lucy and Lee's sex tape.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Talk about spoiling the ending.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34'Lights, camera...'
0:23:34 > 0:23:39action. Wait there. I'm just going to get his kit off.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Actually, I might need the zoom lens.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Ssh!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Do you know anything about common decency, Lucy?
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Never zoom in on automatic mode with a TS-90.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07This is starting to look like a Crimewatch reconstruction.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17I didn't know you had a birth mark, Lee.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19It's filth.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21It's not that bad. Yet.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24No, I mean it's not a birth mark. It's filth.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Right, it's time for some fun and games.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Something tells me we're not about to watch Countdown.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I'll have two from the top and one from the bottom.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48Show me what you can do, then, big boy.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Yeah, right!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56In your dreams.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02There won't be any sleeping together tonight, matey.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Well, that's a shame - look, I was all over you.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09There's a reason I'm doing all this,
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Mr "I never forget anything when I'm drunk".
0:25:13 > 0:25:15It's so that tomorrow morning,
0:25:15 > 0:25:20you'll think we slept together and you won't remember,
0:25:20 > 0:25:25because despite your smart comments about me snogging that bloke,
0:25:25 > 0:25:29drink DOES make you forget! See!
0:25:29 > 0:25:35And when I show you this video, I will be proved right.
0:25:35 > 0:25:41And then who's going to look like the idiot? Huh?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I know this one.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Good night, viewers.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52This has been Lucy Adams, BBC Pissed, Bedfordshire.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Ew...
0:25:58 > 0:26:02I nearly put my head on those.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Is that it?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Yeah. That's it.
0:26:11 > 0:26:17We just slept together! We actually just slept together.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18It's funny, isn't it?
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Your holidays are never quite the way you remember them.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Well, I've just watched the rest of the tape. We're safe.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40You've just watched me and you just sleeping for two hours?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, it wasn't just sleeping.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48There was a bit of farting and snoring to keep up the interest.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Lovely(!)
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Don't worry, it wasn't loud enough to wake me up.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Bit of a close shave, wasn't it?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59It's hard to say - it's out of focus.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Oh, I see.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07So, erm... What if we had have?
0:27:07 > 0:27:08How do you mean?
0:27:08 > 0:27:13What would we have done if we had have slept together?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I'm quite a big fan of doing that thing where you...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I don't mean in bed!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I mean afterwards. The future.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Well, we'd be grown up about it, wouldn't we,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27and do what men and women always do in those situations.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30You'd have pretended nothing's happened, had a nice long hot bath,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32and I'd have gone down the pub and told all my mates.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35You've only got one mate and he's my brother.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39That's true. All right, I'd have jumped in the bath with you.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44Oh, well, looks like a nightcap's out of the question.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Probably not a good idea anyway. Especially with my head.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- It's still hurting. - Yeah, me too.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Just think how much worse I'd have felt
0:27:54 > 0:27:58if I hadn't just been pretending to drink this stuff last night.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Ah...
0:28:07 > 0:28:09# We're not going out
0:28:09 > 0:28:10# Not staying in
0:28:10 > 0:28:14# Just hangin' around with my head in a spin
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# But that is no need to scream and shout
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# We are not going out
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# We are not...going out. #
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd