0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Yeah... Not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But there is no need To scream and shout
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Yeah... Not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:23 > 0:00:24KNOCK ON DOOR
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Is Lucy in?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29She's at school. It's night school.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Does she wear a uniform?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36She does now.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40What's she studying?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- She won't tell me. - Oh, why not?
0:00:42 > 0:00:43She thinks I'll take the mickey.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Would you? - I'm offended you even have to ask.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Of course I would.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Anyway, I just popped round to borrow something from your kitchen.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Again?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Well, I don't all have the latest fancy gadgets like you and Lucy, do I?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- All right, what do you want? - A teaspoon.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Oh, and an egg, as well, please.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Is this for some sort of athletics event?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10It's for a recipe.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14You know how it is - half way through before I realised I needed an egg.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16What exactly is this recipe?
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Do you need an egg-cup, as well?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Yeah.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Oh, here she is. Educating Rita.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I think its great Lucy that you're going back to school
0:01:29 > 0:01:31in the evenings.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33In my day that was called detention.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I'm amazed you went to school at all, Lee.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39I thought you spent most days out on the moors with your kestrel.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42It was Tennent's super strength actually. Come on.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Just tell me, what are you studying?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46OK, I've got nothing to be embarrassed about.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50I have been doing a training course in counselling.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Happy?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I think you need to work on your technique.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58You see this is why I didn't tell you about it.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00If only you could get qualifications in sarcasm, eh, Lee?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02You can - mock GCSEs.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I knew you'd be uncomfortable with this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I'm fine with it, just don't start analysing me.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12If you want to study the unconscious mind, use Daisy.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17I don't mind. I had to go and see a counsellor very recently, actually.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Oh. Do you mind me asking what kind? - What do you mean?
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Well, was it a family counsellor, or a grief counsellor...?
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Liberal Democrat, I think.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I thought you meant one that worked in mental health.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Well, he did end up telling me I was insane.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I still don't see why you can't recycle a dead cat.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I'm doing the psychotherapy type of counselling.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41But it's only a night class.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I haven't turned into some kind of headshrinker.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47If you ever want to deny that you're a nymphomaniac,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49promise you'll speak to me first.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Be careful, I've just bought it.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53It's an antique phrenology head.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Years ago psychologists thought you could tell someone's personality
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- from reading their skull. - I think that's right.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02You can tell a lot about someone's personality if they write all over their skull.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Come on, Lucy, why are you really doing all this therapy stuff?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I don't know, self-exploration.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17The chance to discover something interesting. Personal growth.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18You should try it.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22What, explore myself until I find an interesting personal growth?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Therapy provides a release of emotion
0:03:25 > 0:03:28that can be refreshing and invigorating.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31You make it sound like a shower gel.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Interesting comparison.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37You're very much the kind of person who treats his emotion like you treat your shower gel.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40You keep it bottled up and never let it out.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43If you insist on buying shower gel called Spring Meadow,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46you can't expect me to use it out of season.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Come on Lucy, what's this really about?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Look, at work all I basically do is try to get as much money
0:03:53 > 0:03:54out of people as possible.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56So I decided I wanted to do something where
0:03:56 > 0:04:00I can use compassion and understanding as a way to...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Get as much money out of people as possible.- What?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Come on. I know how it works.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"Sit down, tell me about your dreams.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"Well, doctor, I keep dreaming I'm back at school,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12but teachers are horses and the nit nurse tries to poke me eye out with a lollipop."
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"Oh, that is simple, the lollipop's your penis
0:04:14 > 0:04:18"and the horses are a manly urge to sleep with your grandfather.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"Oh, that will be £200, please."
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Listen, you repressed Northern twat,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27instead of taking the piss out of me,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29perhaps you should be more introspective yourself.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32That way you might work out why you can't do the basics in life -
0:04:32 > 0:04:35like forming a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex,
0:04:35 > 0:04:40you self-obsessed, emotionally retarded, egotistical bell-end.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Well, you're right doctor, it works,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I'm certainly feeling better about meself.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Why am I so big and strong and you're so small and weak?
0:04:52 > 0:04:53I've been ill.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Oh...! Blimey.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00That was close.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Did you hear that?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Lucy reckons that I can't have relationships.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17What? That's totally ridiculous.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Thanks.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21You're a grown man. You can do whatever you like.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23No, she means I'm not capable of having relationships.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Oh, yeah, that's a fair point.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30See, you're just not a people-person.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And a lot of women like a man that is a people-person.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Like Lucy. She's a people-person person.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41And a people-person person tends to prefer other people-person people.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45How do you think she feel about pheasant pluckers?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Well, if you want to be Lucy's pheasant plucker,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54maybe you should stop mocking her therapy course.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Who says I want to be Lucy's pheasant plucker?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59For all you know I might have my eye on somebody else.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- Like who?- A girl called Suzie, she sits in a shoe shine shop.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13What are you reading?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15The Interpretation of Dreams.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Oh, yeah, Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis who discovered
0:06:19 > 0:06:21theories such as the Oedipus complex,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24based on the dynamic repression of feelings a son has towards his mother
0:06:24 > 0:06:27especially during psychosexual development.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Somebody's been on Wikipedia.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Well, you know, what it's like.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33You type in MILF, and one page leads to another.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Do you want me to test you?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40You do that most days.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I said "test", not "arouse".
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Come on, I'll pretend I've got a psychological condition,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48and you've gotta guess what it is.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51So for example, if I said, "Help! I'm scared to go out!"
0:06:51 > 0:06:52That would be arachnophobia.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- No, it wouldn't.- Yes, it would. I'm scared of going out with spiders.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02OK, we'll start with an easy one. Ohhh...haven't slept for weeks!
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Insomnia.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04- No.- What then?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Insomnia.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- I just said insomnia. - Yeah, but I'm also in denial.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Right, here's your next one - "Help, I'm scared to go out."
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- You've already done that one. - Amnesia.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I keep falling asleep at the wheel.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Narcolepsy.- Alcoholism.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Right, come on it's your turn.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- Can you please sod off? - Extremely mild Tourette's Syndrome.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I'm serious, Lee. I've got loads of course work to do.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39All right, you can practise on me.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- What?- I'll be your patient. You can analyse me.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Lee, I've had a few lessons and read half a textbook.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Perhaps you should dive in at the deep end.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50If you're the metaphorical swimming pool, trust me you're not the deep end.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Yeah, and I'm not the shallow end either.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57No, I was thinking more that foot bath they have to stop verrucas.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Come on, you're the one that said I'd problems forming relationships.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Help me out.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12So what do you want to talk about?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Anything you like. Doesn't bother me. I'm fine.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Why do you say you're fine?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Because I am. Everything's hunky dory.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Why use that phrase - "hunky dory"?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25This is bollocks, this.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28You're just repeating everything back as a question.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Next time I want help, I might just shout me problems into a big cave.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34And don't tell me - you want to know why I used the phrase "big cave".
0:08:34 > 0:08:37You probably think it represents something, don't you?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Like part of woman's body.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41That's why I fear relationships. I'm scared of the vagina.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45I probably dreamt as a kid that it had teeth and if you went any...
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Please stop me.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Lee, I'm a beginner. Help me out a bit here.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55OK. I'm here because my landlady thinks I have a problem
0:08:55 > 0:08:58forming close personal relationships.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01And why do you think you have problem forming close personal relationships?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I don't. It's just what my landlady thinks.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Is this the same landlady who thinks you never clean the kitchen
0:09:07 > 0:09:10sink and are always weeing on the bathroom floor?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Yep, that's the heartless bitch.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15And is she right about those things?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Yes, but I've got a solution that will kill two birds with one stone.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I'm going to start weeing in the kitchen sink.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Well, if she's right about those things,
0:09:24 > 0:09:29maybe she's right about you not being able to form close personal relationships.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31OK.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33How about sex?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Shall we finish the session first?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Perhaps you should tell me about your earliest sexual experience.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Oh, you are loving this, aren't you?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45And what did she say?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I'm guessing "no".
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Come on Lee, I'm only saying this because I think it might be relevant.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58So I'll ask you again - tell me about you earliest sexual experience.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Before I got up this morning, I had a quick...- Not today!
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I mean your earliest ever sexual experience.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I remember when I was very young, finding my mum and dad having sex in my bed.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- What did you do?- Turned over and tried to go back to sleep.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20What are you writing down?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I think you're deflecting my questions with humour.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Maybe you joke around because you crave the attention.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- Is that right?- Yeah. Did you get much affection as a child?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Hugs, kisses, that sort of thing?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I didn't like getting kisses off me dad. The moustache used to tickle.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- What about your mum? - Same problem.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Your mother didn't have a moustache, Lee.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43No, my moustache used to tickle her.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Fair enough, I was getting a bit old for breastfeeding anyway.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Was she a good mother?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52She was fine. After me dad left, she had to work to support us.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55That kind of thing was frowned upon in them days.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Being a single mum?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58No, heroin smuggling.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03It was the sniffer dogs that caught her. It's her own fault.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06She shouldn't have been smuggling sausages at the same time.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Well, that was all very interesting.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13When we were talking just then, you did the same thing several times.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Sorry about that, I thought the cushions had muffled it.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21You mentioned your father.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Because you asked about him. - No, I asked you about your mother.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27You're the one who kept bringing your dad into it.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Well, that's me dad for you. Always popping up when he's not wanted.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Like an erection at a funeral. Don't write that down.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I think there's a very strong possibility that you won't
0:11:37 > 0:11:39get involved in a relationship
0:11:39 > 0:11:42because you're worried that you're like your Dad.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43How am I like my dad?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46No, you tell me how you're different.
0:11:46 > 0:11:53My dad is a selfish, work-shy, con artist who will not accept responsibility for his own mistakes.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55You're still waiting, aren't you?
0:11:55 > 0:12:00Look, anyway this is all nonsense, because my dad DID form a close personal relationship,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02and got married and had a kid.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And abandoned them both. Deep down you're worried you'll do the same thing.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09So you avoid forming attachments, meaning you'll probably remain single
0:12:09 > 0:12:11and childless for the rest of your life.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Thanks, Russell Grant. And what have you got for Sagittarius?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16So go on then. What's the cure?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I've only had a few lessons. We've haven't done cures yet.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22You've got to be kidding me.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24You spend this time ripping apart the fragments of my brain
0:12:24 > 0:12:27and say there's nothing to put it together again.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Use Pritt Stick. It worked last time.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Oh, for God's sake, Lee.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- What? - You've been messing with my head.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Oh, that's rich coming from you(!)
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Why didn't you just tell me you broke this, instead of hiding it?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I didn't hide it and I didn't break it.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46You see, this is another trait that you get off your dad - lying.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- I'm not lying! - Then how did it happen?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I don't know, Lucy. Perhaps it was suicide.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53He was going to put his head in the oven,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56then after your counselling he decided to speed things up in the microwave.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Look, if you don't want to end up like your dad,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04you need to understand him a bit better.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07You need to talk to him and find out why he made the mistakes he did.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13By the way, I don't mind comments about me being childish or
0:13:13 > 0:13:16even bad in bed, but if you ever compare me again to that five-foot,
0:13:16 > 0:13:21poisonous, leaching dwarf, I will pack my bags and I am out of here.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25You are like that five-foot, poisonous, leaching dwarf.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I'll let it go this time.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- All right, Dad? - What the hell are you doing here?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Can I come in or what?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45It's not convenient. I've got female company in here.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Well, can't you pay her for her time and ask her to leave?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I'll have you know this woman's very dear to me.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Well, you should have haggled.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57She's not a prostitute.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59What, you mean, you're...in a relationship?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01If you like.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04See, I knew our family could do it. I want to meet her.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Well, you can't. OK, love. I'm coming now, love.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- I'll have to go she's, erm...- Mute?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Well, go on then, get her out of the packet and start pumping.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I want to meet me new step-doll.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25All right, I'll admit it. There's no woman here.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I just didn't want you coming in and seeing all this mess.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I'm so ashamed.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33So you should be. That's my radio and my toaster.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Sorry, I borrowed them last time I was at yours.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Look, it's all right. You can keep them.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42What about the undies?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Yes, and the undies as well... on one condition.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48I have to give back the cash.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53No, on the condition that you talk to me.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- What? - I want you to tell me stuff.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58About you and your life.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01And I want you to be honest with me, about everything.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Why?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Because one day, dad, I might have to speak at your funeral.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I can't just say, "Here lie's my dad. What a bastard."
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Well, I could but then I'd have nothing to put on the headstone.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13What do you want to know?
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Everything. You can start by telling me, how you became my...father.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22It's a bit late for that talk, in't it?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24In fact, didn't I try to tell you all that kind of stuff
0:15:24 > 0:15:26when you were six and you started crying.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I wasn't expecting such a graphic mime, dad.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And I certainly wasn't expecting you to play both parts.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35It's a good trick if you can do it.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Anyway, I don't mean how did you become my father...biologically,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I mean...emotionally and...spiritually.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Why are you asking me this crap really, son?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Come on. You said this was an honest chat. So be honest.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Lucy reckons I've got problems forming relationships.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And she thought that by talking to you...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Oh, so that's what this is all about.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04The oldest trick in the book, coming over all sensitive
0:16:04 > 0:16:06so you can get your leg over.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08You don't give a toss about my life.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11You just want to exploit me for your own sexual gratification.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Oh, there's an image I'm not gonna be able to get out of me head.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I didn't need therapy before, but I do now!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20You know what, son, you can say what you like about me,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22but at least I've got some initiative.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27When I decide on a bit of lady action, I don't go interviewing me relatives.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31I take them out on a date, I bring them back here for coffee,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34we establish a safe word, and we're off.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39If I go to my grave not understanding that,
0:16:39 > 0:16:40I will die happy.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42You know what I'd do if I were in your shoes.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45You're not having these, as well!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I wouldn't be farting about talking to old men
0:16:47 > 0:16:50just because I'm too scared to tell her I fancy her.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- I'm not scared. - Course you're scared.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57You've wanted to get in her knickers for past four years, but you can't.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Why, have you go them, as well?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02You're an emotional coward. You've no bloody backbone.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Well, that's what happens when your dad's an invertebrate.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07You know what, Dad? I was wrong about you.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09On the outside you're all mean and selfish
0:17:09 > 0:17:12but beneath the surface it turns out you're a total knob-head!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Well, bugger off then. I don't ever want to see you here again.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19By the way, don't worry about making a speech at me funeral
0:17:19 > 0:17:21cos you're not welcome.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22I won't need to make a speech, Dad.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26I will be expressing myself through dance. On your grave!
0:17:31 > 0:17:35You know I'm thinking about doing one of these evening courses myself.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Not for the education as such,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41more to just meet like-minded people, have a giggle.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Which one are you going to do?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Advanced Cantonese for Business.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Why don't you do the wine-tasting course, Daisy,
0:17:48 > 0:17:49you like a glass of wine?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Yeah, but I also like a Chinese.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56It's the last time I speak to that miserable old get
0:17:56 > 0:17:58till he comes back and haunts me.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59What did he do to make you so angry?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Oh, just the usual. He opened his mouth.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03And breathed.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Did you do what I said? - Yes.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09I even checked his head for writing but all I found was three sixes.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Actually, erm, Lee, maybe you should put that down,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14you don't want to break it.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16It's too late for that. He's already broken it.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18You know what, Lucy, maybe you're right.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Maybe I did break it and I'm a compulsive liar, like me Dad.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25But guess what - there's no way I'll get to the bottom of why he is the way he is,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27because now we're not even talking anymore.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Well, don't just give up, Lee.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31What's the point? It's genetic.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Even me granddad was an evil bastard.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35We put it down to trauma in the war.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Combat can do that to people.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38He never saw combat.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41The SS turned him down on the grounds that he wasn't German.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I think you should see your dad again,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45but this time you should have someone else present.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Good idea.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I'll phone me dad, you phone the bloke with the baseball bat.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I mean a therapist, to act as a mediator.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53No chance.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Don't forget why you started all this in the first place.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57You can break the cycle.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Exactly.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01You're not a pheasant plucker, you're a pheasant plucker's son,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05and you're only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- Blimey, I can't believe I got through that without- BLEEP- it up!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18OK. When are you going to talk me and me dad?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Oh, I'm not doing it. I've done enough damage.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Exactly, you should clean up the mess.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25He's right, Lucy. When you fall off a bike,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28the best thing you can do is get straight back on the saddle.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29You're the bike.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31You mean horse.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32All right, big-head(!)
0:19:33 > 0:19:35But what if I'm damaging the bike?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38You said you wanted to damage the bike.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40No, I said I wanted to break the cycle.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48OK, I'll contact your dad and ask him to come round here tomorrow.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Thanks for encouraging Lucy to do the session.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56If I'm making the effort, it's better that she witnesses it.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- It's all right. I owed you one anyway.- Why?
0:19:59 > 0:20:04For taking the blame about the broken head. Sorry, I panicked.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I was hoping she would think moths did it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Are you going to tell her it was me? - It depends.- On what?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15On whether or not Britain is suddenly infested with ceramic-eating moths
0:20:15 > 0:20:17who can break into microwaves.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19OK. Deal.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Now, Lee, it's obvious you have a lot of negativity towards your father,
0:20:32 > 0:20:36so I'd like to start today by asking you to say something positive about him.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40OK. Dad, you are without doubt the biggest arsehole I've ever met.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43I said be positive.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh, I am absolutely positive.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Lee...!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49It's OK, Lucy. He's right to say these things.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50I've been a terrible dad.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Carry on. - I've a lot to answer for.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Keep talking.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I'm basically why Lee's such a failure as a human being.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58That's probably enough.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I think our Lee just wants to find the right woman, don't you, son?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Maybe.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07And when you do, shall I give you some advice on relationships?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Oh, wait, father. Let me grab me a pen.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11My advice is...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16don't make the mistakes I've made.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Good, Frank. Let it out.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Release it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Always dangerous for a woman to say that to my dad.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28What mistakes, Frank?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I loved your mother, you know.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Tell me about her.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34What do you want to know?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Anything. Everything. There's nothing you can't tell us.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40We had a very active sex life.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Ohhhh...! This is fun(!)
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Oh, grow up. It's not like I'm showing you the photos.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53What I'm saying is, I loved your mother very much.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56The problem was... Oh...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58HE FIGHTS BACK TEARS
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I'm sorry about this.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I haven't thought about this for many, many years.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I didn't think I'd get this emotional.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Oh, please go on, Frank. I think we're making real progress.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11This will make you feel a whole lot better.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14No, I'm sorry. It's not good to rake up the past.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16You might not like what you hear, son.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I won't waste any more of your time.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Look, Dad. In the past, I might have given the impression
0:22:26 > 0:22:30I've got no respect for you, that I thought you were a waste of oxygen.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Yes.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Good. Just checking I was clear.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I'm joking.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I want to put that behind us.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Just talk to me. Honestly.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Do you really want to know the truth?
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Yes.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Just tell us, Frank.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49What happened between you and Lee's mother?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51As I say, we were,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53we were very, very happy.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55But that's when I made me big mistake.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58You met someone else?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Almost.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Me Mum met someone else? Oh, my God, are you not me real dad?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03No. I am your real dad.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Oh, you could've given me a few more seconds.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09In a way me and your mum both met someone else.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Go on then. Who did you meet?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13You.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- What? - You were the mistake, son.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I was a mistake?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Well, rubber wasn't so reliable back in those days.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Particularly for a man of my dimensions.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- It's not particularly long, but the girth...- AH-LA-LA-LA-LA!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Can I just interrupt you there, Frank, to clarify -
0:23:36 > 0:23:38you mean, Lee wasn't planned?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Because that's not so unusual in...
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Can I just interrupt you there, Lucy, to clarify?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47I'm saying Lee was a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49that resulted in the end of my marriage to his mother.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Three "terribles". Unbelievable.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53You wanted the truth, son.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I know, but I thought we'd save it for when we're on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Yes, but looking back on it, Frank, all these years later,
0:24:00 > 0:24:04with the benefit of a lifetime's experience, how do you feel now?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06That he definitely WAS a mistake.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Things were tough between me and his mother.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12He wasn't exactly a good sleeper.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Oh, you must accept my apologies.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17It's not your fault, Lee. No one's blaming you.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Yes, they are. He's blaming me.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21He's right. I do blame him.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I hold him totally responsible for the break-up of my marriage,
0:24:24 > 0:24:29and being shunned by my family, and me subsequent years of unhappiness.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Sorry, am I here?!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Well, you wanted the truth, son.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I told you you might not like it.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40But I tell you what though, Lucy, you were right.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I feel loads better.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45It's like a huge weight's just been lifted off me shoulders.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I'll take that. You've been looking after my possessions,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51the least I can do is take your emotional baggage for the next 50 years.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Well, I suppose all this is quite positive. In a way.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57In what bloody way?!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00If I couldn't have a relationship before, I can't have one now.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03He's taken the last bit of self-respect I've ever had.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05This is what I get for helping you with your homework.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08If you were studying the male reproductive system,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I'd be wearing them as earrings by now!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22On your own?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Oh, sorry, have you not met Harvey? He's my imaginary friend.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Harvey, this is my imaginary father.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Look, I know you're angry,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34but we can make a fresh start now you know the whole story.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37There's nothing else to come out. Yes, you were a mistake.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Yes, I regretted you being born.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Yes, I considered having you adopted.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46You wanted to have me adopted?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Oh, did I not mention that bit?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Now you know the whole story.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Are you sure?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I mean, you didn't try and swap one of my kidneys for 20 Silk Cut?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Here's something that'll cheer you up. I admire you.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02When I think what you've done in your life, I'm envious.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Why, what have I done?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Absolutely nothing.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Thanks, Coach, it's these pep talks that get me
0:26:07 > 0:26:10through those last few tricky rounds.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13You see, I've done loads and most of it has been mistakes.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16But you, son, you've done absolutely nothing with your life,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19so...nothing to regret.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22In my eyes, not leaving your wife, not abandoning your children,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26not having to live on your own in a bed sit - these are all victories!
0:26:26 > 0:26:30We really have to consider raising the bar in our family, don't we?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Look, son, you went through all this therapy nonsense
0:26:32 > 0:26:36just because you wanted to show Lucy that you were different from me,
0:26:36 > 0:26:37so you could be with her.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40There's only one chance that's ever going to happen
0:26:40 > 0:26:43and that's to get back to that flat and talk to her.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46You told me to be more honest and open, now it's your turn.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I can't believe you thought about having me adopted.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54It was just a consideration.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Anyway, she made it quite clear she wasn't pleased.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00She said "No chance, I'm not having this."
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Good old Mum.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04No, that's what the woman at the orphanage said.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Where've you been?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21With me dad.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22What happened?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25We chatted a bit and sort of made up.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27He insisted on buying champagne to celebrate.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Realised he couldn't afford to pay for it.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32I called him a cheap bastard. We rowed.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34It turned ugly. The police were called.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Both thrown out.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38It's good to see you two back to normal.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40He did give me some good advice though.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Did he?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Yeah. About...women.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Oh, it's not the same sort of advice he gave you a few months ago, is it?
0:27:48 > 0:27:51No. You'll be pleased to hear this doesn't involve buying
0:27:51 > 0:27:53anything online from Germany.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59He suggested that if I was more honest and open with...
0:27:59 > 0:28:01people,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03it might stop me
0:28:03 > 0:28:05ending up like him.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06People?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08All right... you.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Go on.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18It was me that broke your phrenology head.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Oh.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Sorry, I'll pay for a new one.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Don't worry. The money's not important.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28It was just the honesty that mattered to me.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30So I suppose we've made some progress.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Come on, I insist. How much was it?
0:28:33 > 0:28:35£400.
0:28:37 > 0:28:38Actually I'm lying. It was Daisy.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# Yeah... Not going out
0:28:44 > 0:28:46# Not staying in
0:28:46 > 0:28:49# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:28:49 > 0:28:52# But there is no need To scream and shout
0:28:52 > 0:28:54# Yeah, not going out
0:28:55 > 0:28:58# We are not going out. #
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd