0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Yeah, not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# But there is no need To scream and shout
0:00:11 > 0:00:12# Yeah
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:26 > 0:00:27GLASS SMASHING
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Lucy?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31CLATTERING
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Hello?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38CLATTERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:42If you're a burglar I've got... a really nice urn you can have.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Aaah!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Don't worry about me grandad, he was already dead.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53What are you doing, Daisy? Creeping round like a gimp in a bin bag?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I'm going on a hen night next week.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57And the theme is superheroes and supervillains.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00So I've just borrowed this off Lucy. It's Catwoman.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- Catwoman didn't have whiskers. - Course she did, she was Catwoman.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06So? Batman didn't sleep upside down
0:01:06 > 0:01:09and Robin didn't go bob-bob-bobbing along.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Oh, you are here.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14I've been up in the loft to lend Daisy that costume.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17I've got loads of them up there, didn't I ever tell you?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19You never told me we had a loft.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- There's a hatch through there. Next to the bathroom. - What's in there?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25A bath, a sink - you should pop your head in there one day.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- In the loft. - Just things from a misspent youth.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Costumes, records. And...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33this!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36I'm glad you bought that. Cos I've been wanting to put up some shelves
0:01:36 > 0:01:38and I could only find those two-foot sponge nails.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I didn't buy it.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44On my very first ever date with my first ever boyfriend, he won it.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Why, did he go out with you for a bet?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Well I suppose you could say it was a gamble for both of us.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- But it paid off. - Why? Did you take it each way?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Because we fell in love.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Our first date was at a fun fair. Scott was amazing.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02He kept winning all the games.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04You know, "Whack A Mole", "Hook A Duck".
0:02:04 > 0:02:08And, um, what's that one called where you throw the darts?
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Darts.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Eventually he won this on one of the stalls
0:02:11 > 0:02:14and we became like a little family, just the three of us.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Me, Scott and little MC Hammer.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Ahh, the three of you sound absolutely bloody unbearable.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25It's called being in a loving relationship.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27You wouldn't understand.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28So why have you kept it?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Because a first love is special.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Why?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Because it's the first.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38So? My first love was Wagon Wheels but then I got older,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40as I matured, I discovered a man called Mr Kipling.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Anyway, it was a long time ago, it's all in the past.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Exactly. I'll chuck it away for you then, shall I?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48No. You can't touch this.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Was that you or MC Hammer?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03What are you doing here?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Oh, I'm meeting the hen night girls to plan next week.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I took the costume off though, obviously.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Don't want to give away who I'm coming as.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Do you want a drink?- Yes, please.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Pint of lager and a saucer of milk, please.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Well, I notice that once again you are showing a little too much
0:03:22 > 0:03:25interest in Lucy's personal life.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I overheard your little discussion while I was in the bathroom.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Do you know what I think you need? - Thicker walls?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Some womanly advice.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I just don't think it would do any harm
0:03:38 > 0:03:42if you were to make her a little bit jealous for a change.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44What, you mean get a girlfriend?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I know. It seems unlikely, but it's not going to happen
0:03:48 > 0:03:52if you don't open yourself up to opportunity every now and again.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I do open myself up to opportunity, I'm always...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Excuse me, I'm using that stool for me coat.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Hi, Rachel.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Oh, hi, Daisy. Didn't recognise you for a second.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05What's with the whiskers?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09How do you know about that?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11It was just a small tin, to get into character.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19This is my friend Lee. My single friend.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22What time's Cilla getting here?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24I'm just getting the drinks in for the girls.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Well, I'll go and join them, and leave you two to chat.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Will it be number one who says he's thinking of having his cat put down?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Do you want a drink? - It's OK. We've got a kitty.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I know. But she can get her own.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Why does everyone assume if you're single you have to be looking for a relationship?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Exactly. You might just be looking for some casual sex.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01- Sorry, that was a joke.- I know.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Unless you are just looking for some casual...- No.- Me neither.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Another round of shots, please. I'm drinking them under the table.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Why, are you not allowed on the furniture?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Right, well, I should probably get back to the girls.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24Erm, Rachel, do you fancy going out some time?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Chinese? Mexican?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Ooh, go as a Mexican!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Er... Yeah, OK, why not?- Great.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- What are you doing tomorrow night? - I'll take it from here, Daisy.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Erm, actually I am free tomorrow night, if you fancy it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Brilliant.- I know a really nice restaurant in the West End.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46We could meet there at eight if you like.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Actually, why don't you come round to mine first
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and I can introduce you to my landlady.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh, that's a good idea.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55OK, well, why don't I just come round before breakfast.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58That way I could meet your milkman, too.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oh, no, no, they don't have a milkman, they get it from a shop.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- That's considerate of you. - What is?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Spraying Mace on yourself.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Right, have I got everything? Keys, phone...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Biscuit for the guide dog.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25She's not blind, actually.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26- Elderly?- No.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Hunchback?- No.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Lesbian?- No.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32That last one turned out to be a lesbian.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Yeah, but only AFTER she went out with me.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Prostitute?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39If she was a prostitute, why would I be taking her out for dinner?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I don't know. Maybe you've finally found one who'll work for food.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44KNOCK AT DOOR
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Oh, I tell you what, why don't you meet the blind, lesbian,
0:06:47 > 0:06:48hunchback tart for yourself?
0:06:54 > 0:06:59What about this for the hen night? It's The Thing.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Nah, it's not right, is it?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Plus, the husband-to-be has got eczema,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05so it might look like I'm mocking him.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Just dropping Rachel off.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13What, like moisturise?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Rachel, you look beautiful.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22You scrub up well yourself.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Oh, it took more than a scrub. Chisels were involved.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27This is my landlady, Lucy.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Hi.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Lucy's staying in on her own tonight. Getting hammered.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Ah, he's sweet. Was it from your boyfriend?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37No. Just someone special.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Sorry, look... I'm not treading on anyone's toes here, am I?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44No, course not.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45I'm not the "someone special".
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I dunno, she hasn't seen you eating yet.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51No, I'm definitely in the "available" category.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54That's good, you're like me. Young, free and single.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Free - see? Not a prostitute.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Sorry, private joke.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Shall we go?
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Oh, actually, Rachel, I've left my keys, I'll you see at the lift.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07What do you reckon, eh? She's all right, isn't she?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- What does it matter what I think? - It doesn't.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13By the way, at this restaurant you might find there's
0:08:13 > 0:08:15lots of different cutlery on the table.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Don't let it confuse you. Just remember the simple rule:
0:08:17 > 0:08:19use the cutlery.
0:08:28 > 0:08:3018 quid for cheese?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Where's it from the, moon? - CORK POPS FROM BOTTLE
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I hope you're not one of these people that assumes the man has to pay for dinner.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I hope you're not one of these women who assumes I can.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Same again.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Have you decided what you're having yet?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Yes. I'll have the confit de canard, please.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15- Sir?- Do you sell duck?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19That's what madam just ordered.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Where I'm from, "canard" is the answer to the question
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"How was your day at work?"
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- All right, I'll have the same. - Entrees?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31It's up to you how you carry them, mate.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41You don't come to places like this much, do you?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43To be honest, I'm more of a pie and chips man.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Well, they do say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Well, I think it's nice that you don't do this a lot.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51It makes me feel special.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56And this way I get to train you up.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Even if does take a few sessions.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- Sounds like you want to see me again.- Why not?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03What are you doing tomorrow night?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Blimey, and I thought this dating malarkey was going to be...canard.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12Well, I don't believe in wasting time when it comes to relationships.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Relationships?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Have you got one of those really awful surnames
0:10:16 > 0:10:18you've been trying to get rid of since you were a kid?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Talking of which, do you like children?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Yeah, they're OK.- Me, too.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28But I like elephants as well. Doesn't mean I want one of me own.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29What if you met the right person?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Yeah, but you've still got to smuggle it out of the zoo, haven't you?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36So what do you reckon? Tomorrow night?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Well, shall we see how this date goes first?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42We haven't even ordered pudding yet.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Talking of which, I'm going to have the fruits de mer.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- It's... - FRENCH PRONUNCIATION:- "Fruits."
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Is it? Good. Makes up for that expensive cheese then, doesn't it?
0:11:01 > 0:11:059.30. You obviously didn't get lucky.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I might have.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Actually, 9.32 - maybe you did.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12So why are you back so early?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I just fancied getting back, that's all.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Come on, what went wrong?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Nothing. She was just a bit...odd, that's all.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Which is your way of saying she never wants to see you again.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Oh, she wants to see me all right. - Yeah, sure.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28You're not by any chance jealous, are you, Lucy?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I'm not jealous. I just want to know what went wrong, that's all.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Nothing went wrong. I just said she was a bit odd.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36But that's fine. Odd things can be good.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38For example?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Bill Oddie.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42He was a Goodie.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47And like you, he has to hide in a hedge to get close to a bird.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Well, that's where you're wrong actually.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Because I'm going to be seeing Rachel again.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- Oh.- In fact, I think Rachel's really nice. She might be a keeper.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Well, she did have fairly big hands.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01So, when's this next date?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Actually I'm going to ask her out again tomorrow night.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07You're asking her out again tomorrow?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- She's going to think you're weird. - No, she won't.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Trust me. Only a complete freak would ask someone out two nights in a row.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25So...you went for the same restaurant. The same table.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Well, I think when you find something you like,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31you should hold on to it. Why change?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Yeah, I have the same approach to underwear.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Do you believe in love at first sight?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42No, but I believe in slightly intimidated at first sight.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50HE SQUEAKS
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I do!
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- What? I haven't asked you anything. - Believe in love at first sight.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Oh.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13What you doing?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Oh, nothing. You'll think I'm a bit eccentric.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Oh, of course not. A bit eccentric?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20You must be mental.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25It's just a little scrapbook I've been keeping of our relationship.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29There's a hair from your jacket from the first night we met.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34And that's one of your eyelashes from last night.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Great. All you need now is a bit of wax from my ear and a couple
0:13:38 > 0:13:42of toenail clippings and you'll have a fully working voodoo doll.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45And this is a picture I drew of the two of us together.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Are you OK, Lee?- Listen, Rachel.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Erm... I think you might have been getting hold of the wrong end of the stick.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00In fact you might be better off not touching the stick at all.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Are you trying to tell me something, Lee?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I just think we should have a... different sort of relationship.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08What kind of relationship?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Pen pals?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Are you breaking up with me? - No. Yes.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Well, we weren't really together, were we?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I mean, we haven't even, you know...
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Oh, thank God we didn't.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I know what this is about. It's your landlady, Lucy.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29There's something going on between you two, isn't there?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30No, there isn't.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34That's why you took me round there to meet her on our first date.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37You were just using me to get Lucy jealous, weren't you?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Well...
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Well, maybe I should make a little telephone call to Lucy.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44What?
0:14:44 > 0:14:49Maybe she deserves to know all about these secret strong feelings.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56And what kind of manipulative man you really are.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Will you be requiring the cheeseboard later?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Or is sir getting "just desserts"?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17LOUD KNOCKS AT DOOR
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Open this door now!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Are you looking for a tin of sweetcorn?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I'm the Incredible Hulk. What do you think?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I thought you were Catwoman? Why do you keep changing your mind?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Well, Fiona Watts is going as Catwoman.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I was a little bit angry about that, actually.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Yeah, so I can see.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44So, erm, how's it going with Rachel?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I hear you've been getting quite close.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48You could say that.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Yeah? How close? Wedding-bells close?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54More like Glenn Close. She's a loony.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57She's threatening to say some nonsense about me liking Lucy.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Why did you let me go out with her?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Did you not notice any small signs that she might just be a little bit unhinged?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05No.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06I mean, there was one thing she said,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09but I thought nothing of it at the time.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10What?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13She said, "I'm a very emotional woman.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15"When I love, I love with all my heart,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"but when I hate, woe betide anyone who stands in my way."
0:16:20 > 0:16:22And you didn't think anything of it?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24No. I'd have forgotten all about it
0:16:24 > 0:16:27if it wasn't for something else that she said.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30She said that her last boyfriend turned out to be a total bastard
0:16:30 > 0:16:33and he betrayed her, and now she will never ever forgive him,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36not until he has rotted away in his grave.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Well, I can see why you didn't bother to mention it.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Exactly. I mean, I wouldn't even mention it now...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45if it wasn't for something else that she said.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Oh, good God.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51She said, "Your friend Lee, I think he might be the one.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56"And if he isn't and if he ever does anything to hurt me,
0:16:56 > 0:17:01"I will make sure that his life is not worth an old cigarette stub.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05"Not worth an old cigarette stub."
0:17:12 > 0:17:15It's funny, isn't it, how these things turn out to be significant.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25PHONE RINGS
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Oh, I'll get that.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Probably just one of those automated sales calls,
0:17:29 > 0:17:30not worth bothering with.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Salesperson. Have I been involved in an accident recently?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38No, but if you phone back in a couple of days...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Nothing to worry about... Argh!
0:17:43 > 0:17:44- Look who's dropped in.- Hello, Lee.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Hello, Rachel. What are you doing here?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Just popped by to say hello.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Hello.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Oh, yes - and there was something I wanted to tell Lucy.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Remember?- What's that? - I don't know.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Yes, you do - we talked about it just before I left the restaurant.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08In fact, I was in such a rush I can't even remember
0:18:08 > 0:18:09when we arranged our next date?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11We didn't.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Sorry, Rachel, what is it you wanted to tell me?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17That Lee has very strong feelings...
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Hang on, I remember now. Our next date is next week.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Lee has very strong...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I mean the day after tomorrow.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Lee has very...- Tomorrow!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Lee has... - The day before tomorrow.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Which is today.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Our next date is today.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Blimey! Careful, Lee, you don't want to seem desperate!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Oh, but I am. Very desperate.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Come on, Rachel, what is it you wanted to say to me?
0:18:47 > 0:18:54I just wanted to say that Lee has very strong feelings about...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56me. And was worried about telling you
0:18:56 > 0:19:00because he thought you might think he was rushing in to things.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Doesn't affect me. - That's what I said you'd say.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08I'll see you later, my little chimpanzee.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Mmm....
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Haven't you got a name for me yet?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Oh, loads.
0:19:19 > 0:19:24My little...hamster.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Aw, that's so sweet!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Well, you're cute and fluffy
0:19:27 > 0:19:29and you should be in a cage.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44You've hardly eaten a thing.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46You've got to keep your strength up, Lee.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49You know what they say about third dates, don't you?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Of course I do. That's the one they say traditionally
0:19:52 > 0:19:55is where you find out your girlfriend's a psychopath.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59No, they say that's the one where most dates finally
0:19:59 > 0:20:01consummate their relationship.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Ooh! Awkward fumblings as I try and undo the straitjacket.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Why won't you just listen to your heart, Lee?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I can't hear it, me brain's doing too much screaming.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16We're in love. Stop fighting it.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Rachel, I hardly know you. And I don't want to get to know you.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I am only here because you threatened to tell Lucy I like her.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26What part of that makes you think that I love you?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I think you should move in with me.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Oh, what a great idea.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Unfortunately it's against my religion to move in with someone outside marriage.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Oh, my God! I can't believe what you're asking me!
0:20:43 > 0:20:44What?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47The answer's yes.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I haven't asked you anything yet.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51The answer's still yes.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Oh, good, cos the question was, are you a completely mental bitch?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58That's no way to speak to someone
0:20:58 > 0:21:00you want to spend the rest of your life with.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you, Rachel.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04I'm not here to make plans,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I'm here to tell you that this has got to stop.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08It is like living through Fatal Attraction.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10In fact it is worse than Fatal Attraction -
0:21:10 > 0:21:14at least Michael Douglas got a blowjob in the lift first.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I don't know what your problem is, Lee.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22We love each other. You're free.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23I'm free.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Actually, I'm not free.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29What?
0:21:29 > 0:21:34You were right. I was doing all this just to get Lucy jealous.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36And guess what? It worked.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38What are you talking about?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Me and Lucy. We're a couple now.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43It happened this afternoon after you left.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46And she knows everything, so you may as well leave me alone.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48You're lying.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50OK.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Phone her.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Will you be needing the high chair?
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Well?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Why would I want to phone your precious girlfriend?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24You will be sorry for this.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Oi! You have just ruined the two most expensive things I've ever bought!
0:22:42 > 0:22:46I still don't see what visiting Rachel's ex-boyfriend will achieve.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51I just want to know what I'm up against, that's all.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Who is it?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Hello, Paul. My name's Lee.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I want to talk to you about your ex-girlfriend Rachel.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01BOLTS UNLOCKING
0:23:01 > 0:23:03MORE BOLTS UNLOCKING
0:23:06 > 0:23:08ALARM KEYPAD BEEPING
0:23:10 > 0:23:12LOCKS TURNING
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Do you know what? I think you've answered my question.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23ALARM KEYPAD BEEPING
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Oi!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Where's MC Hammer?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Have you tried the staff room at Argos?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43What have you done with my toy hammer?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I haven't done anything with him.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Well, he was in my bed when I woke up this morning and now he's gone.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Well, once these types get what they want.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Are you cooking? - What do you mean?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Something we do in the south before eating.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Have you been in all night?- Yeah.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Apart from when I went to one of the neighbours' to pick up a parcel that had been delivered.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Did you lock the door?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13No.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I only thought I was going to be gone for a minute
0:24:15 > 0:24:18but we got chatting about the parcel because it was so heavy.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Why did you order so many door chains?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37How could you do this?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39What? You want the recipe?
0:24:39 > 0:24:40I didn't do it.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- It was Rachel.- Rachel?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I found out she was a bit bonkers, so I finished with her
0:24:48 > 0:24:51and now she wants revenge on me.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Well, us.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I kind of pretended me and you had got together.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03You dumped a dangerous lunatic by telling her it was all my fault?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Yes.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Go to the police, now.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I don't think I can until an explicit threat's been made.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17OK. Lee, go to the police or I'll punch you in the bollocks.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19GLASS SMASHING
0:25:34 > 0:25:37(I think she's behind the walk-in wardrobe.)
0:25:38 > 0:25:39(That's a shower.)
0:25:53 > 0:25:54BOTH: Ahh!
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Get her out of my bathroom.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- How?- I don't know.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I could use the toilet, that usually shifts you.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Is that your weapon?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Would you want to be touched by it?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15What are you doing in here, Rachel?
0:26:15 > 0:26:20I've decided if I can't have you, Lee, then no-one can.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24There's a solution - no-one has him. Well done.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Good stalking.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27I'm not a stalker.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Come on. You did a Fatal Attraction job on the toy hammer.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33A Single White Female by turning up in the flat.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35What are you going to do next?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Tie him to the bed and break his ankles with a lump hammer?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- What?- Kathy Bates in Misery.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Oh, yeah, I've seen that film.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49Would you mind not chipping in with suggestions, please?
0:26:49 > 0:26:53You made a big mistake, choosing Lucy over me.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I told you you'd regret it.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00And don't bother screaming for help. No-one can save you now.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09This isn't how you treat the people you love, Lee.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I'm not your little plaything.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16You can't just decide you want to have a relationship with me
0:27:16 > 0:27:18and then whenever you feel like it
0:27:18 > 0:27:20just knock the whole thing on the head!
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Ta-da! It's me, it's Daisy!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Now, be honest. Does my bum look big in this?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Well, it's been a pretty traumatic week,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56but at least it proves when it comes to women, I've still got it.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58You heard what the policeman said.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Rachel could have just as easily formed that attachment
0:28:01 > 0:28:04to a mannequin in a shop window or a filthy, diseased tramp.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07It's got nothing to do with you that she chose the latter.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Thanks, Lucy, for letting me get ready in your bedroom.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I really hate rushing. It always make me feel like I've forgotten something.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16- Where are you going? - On the hen night.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I thought you were going as Wonder Woman.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Oh, yeah. I changed my mind again.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Is it a bird?
0:28:23 > 0:28:24Is it a plane?
0:28:24 > 0:28:27No, it's Superman!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34I knew I'd forgotten something.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41# Yeah, not going out
0:28:41 > 0:28:43# Not staying in
0:28:43 > 0:28:45# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:28:45 > 0:28:48# But there is no need To scream and shout
0:28:48 > 0:28:51# Yeah, not going out
0:28:51 > 0:28:54# We are not going out. #
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd