0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Yeah not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But there is no need To scream and shout
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Yeah Not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:23BANGING ON DOOR
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Police! Open up! This is a raid!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Not really, just your old dad.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36- You know that's a crime, don't you? - Impersonating a police officer?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39No, impersonating a father.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40I know you love me deep down.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Well, let's wait till you are deep down and we'll see.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46What do you want, Dad?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I actually came round to give you something.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50But if you don't want to know, just say the word
0:00:50 > 0:00:51and I'll... I'll walk away.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Great, what's the word?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Just give me 30 seconds of your time, that's all I ask.
0:00:57 > 0:00:5930 seconds.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04- Are you really setting the clock on me?- Yeah, only because we haven't got a dog.
0:01:04 > 0:01:0626 seconds.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Well, a couple of months ago I had a lucky run on the gee gees and
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I won a substantial amount of money and I wondered what to spend it on.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18And then I realised, over the years, how much I'd taken from you -
0:01:18 > 0:01:20it's time to give something back.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Carry on. You've got 17 seconds.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23But then I thought...
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Four seconds.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28What if I could spend that money in a way that
0:01:28 > 0:01:30brought us closer together?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32So I spent the money...
0:01:32 > 0:01:33on a boat.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- Is that yours? - Certainly is.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Are you sure you haven't been on Bullseye and not told me?
0:01:41 > 0:01:42You're not interested in boats.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Didn't used to be. Now I'm a sailing-nut. A sea-bonce.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47A boat-head.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49A ship-for-brains.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I live on her now, full time.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54And I've spent weeks making her all nice,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56so that you can come and visit.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Me and you? In the middle of the sea?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Who said anything about going to sea? She's permanently moored up.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02The engine doesn't work.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04So, you're not a sailor, you're a...
0:02:04 > 0:02:05floater.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08If you like.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11But you still get the romance of the ocean.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12I thought Lucy would like it.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15She's a four-berth vessel.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I wouldn't let Lucy hear you talk about her like that.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22I thought me, you, Lucy, and that dippy lass you hang round with
0:02:22 > 0:02:24could spend a night or two on it.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Look, it's a very kind offer, Dad, but I don't think so, do you?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Oh, that's a shame.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33There's only two rooms -
0:02:33 > 0:02:35a set of bunk beds and a double.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39I thought between us we could wangle it so you and Lucy share the double.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Sleep on a boat?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Yeah, it'll be a big adventure.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Yeah, come on, Lucy, it sounds amazing.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I've never even been on a proper boat before.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Assuming you don't count two years in the Royal Navy,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57serving on a Type 23 frigate out of Portsmouth.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Why wouldn't you count that?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Because I didn't do it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- So, what do you reckon? - I can't.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Why?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Thing is, I'm...
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I'm a bit scared of water.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Don't worry, so are lots of people.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I'm not talking about washing, Lee.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I've never told you this before,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23because I'm not exactly proud of it, but...
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I can't swim, all right?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27How did you finish school without learning how to swim?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30You got through without learning how to read or write.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Can you swim, Lee?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Of course, I can. I was an amazing swimmer at school.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Teacher used to say that I was half boy, half fish.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Are you sure she wasn't referring to the smell?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Anyway, now you know.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Look, it's not like we're actually going to be at sea.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48We're going to be moored up all weekend.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50And you can overcome your fear of water.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52You can go on land whenever you want - there's no danger.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I thought you said it was a big adventure.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Yeah, a big safe, uneventful, tedious adventure.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00It'll be like that film, Herbie Goes For a Service.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Right, you two go and find Frank's boat.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19I'll stay here and start unpacking the bags from the back of the car.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Or to put it in nautical terms - arr!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24POOR IMITATION OF A PIRATE: I'll go and unpack all the stuff
0:04:24 > 0:04:25from the back of the car.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Ah, I love the sea. So romantic, isn't it?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Get a lungful of that.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Oh, you haven't, have you?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I can't see me dad's boat.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Well, let's ask that old fella on that crappy little tug boat
0:04:46 > 0:04:48if he knows your dad.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Oh, God...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Excuse me.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Ahoy there!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01What do you think of her?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I'm not getting on that - it's a wreck!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05She is quite old, I'll admit.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"Quite old"? Who did you buy it off - Noah?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Excuse me a moment.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18What's going on? You said that one was yours.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I meant the hat.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24She's a pretty good vessel for 400 quid, son.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26400? You said you'd had a big win.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27400 quid is big to me.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Ronnie Corbett's big to you.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Ah, I'm sorry I'm not wealthy enough for you, son.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Perhaps, you're embarrassed to be seen with me.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Dad, you step off the HMS Shithole dressed as Steamboat Willie
0:05:40 > 0:05:41and smelling like a dead mackerel.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Of course, I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Well, at least you could come and have a look inside.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Unless of course you'd rather go home
0:05:49 > 0:05:51and forget about the whole arrangement.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54I never said that.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I thought it was going to be a bit more impressive, that's all.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It's like I've always said -
0:05:59 > 0:06:01"Why buy a big boat to impress a woman,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03"when you can go for a little tug instead?"
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Come on! Everybody on board.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Come on, she's as safe as houses.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12CRUNCH
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Well, this is snug, isn't it?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Just like being in a lovely big cosy underwater coffin.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Cosy?! It's freezing on here.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Sorry, Lucy love, engine's not working, so there's no heating.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37The best way to keep warm is to snuggle up with a shipmate.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Or have a drop of to this to warm you up.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Mmm. All good sailors have it to hand.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Yeah, hence the expression, "Yo ho-ho and a bottle of White Lightning".
0:06:50 > 0:06:51"All good sailors."
0:06:51 > 0:06:55You can mock, son, I know a thing or two about life on the ocean waves.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Like what?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59I can tie knots.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Oh good. At least when we all drown,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03no-one's shoes are going to fall off.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Oh, can you teach me some knots, Frank?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I only know the one where the squirrel goes up the tree,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10round the branch and through the hole.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12What's that one for?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Strangling squirrels, I think.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I'll show you how to do a clove hitch knot.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18The squirrel goes round the tree...
0:07:18 > 0:07:21This is all very interesting, but can I just interrupt?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Where's the toilet?
0:07:22 > 0:07:23There isn't one.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25What?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27What happens when we need to go for a... You know.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Well, where do you think you go? Have a look round.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34You're surrounded by the world's biggest toilet.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37That's no way to speak about Eastbourne.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39You've got to be kidding me.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I'm on a budget here. I didn't want to go overboard.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44None of us want to go overboard, that's the problem.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46If you're too embarrassed,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48there's a Little Chef just over the dual carriageway.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51They'll let you use their bogs if you buy a Twix on the way out.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I wondered how they'd earned that third Michelin star.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56CREAKING
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- What was that?- Will you stop worrying, love?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I know this boat upside down.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Like The Poseidon Adventure.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Actually, I think I'm just going to bed. What are the arrangements?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Oh, yes, I hadn't thought of that.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Well, erm, there's bunk beds through there
0:08:16 > 0:08:20and this sofa converts into a double.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Lee, you can't sleep in the bunk beds.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Why not?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- He's too tall. - He won't be when he's lying down.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Looks like you'll have to sleep in here, son.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Right, so it's girls in the bunks and you two in here?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37No, no, no, no, no, I couldn't share a bed with Lee.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I have very violent dreams.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40I might lash out when I'm asleep.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Lee's mum used to have to sleep wearing a mouth guard and a boxing helmet.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48In fact, Lee had to do a similar thing for a while, didn't you?
0:08:48 > 0:08:49What are you on about?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Don't you remember when you were a teenager?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Your mum made you sleep with boxing gloves on.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56But that was due to Lee's excessive...
0:08:56 > 0:08:57All right.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Can we just talk about the sleeping arrangements?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Well, I can't share with Lee.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Of course not, you're my best mate's girlfriend.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Exactly, Tim wouldn't like that.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10He doesn't even like a fork in the spoon drawer.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14So that just leaves...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Well, I don't mind,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19as long as you don't try anything cheeky in the night.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21What, like going home?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I promise to keep a respectful distance.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Oh, right, so you're going home?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28All agreed then.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Daisy, are you sure you're OK sleeping in the same room as Frank?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Yeah, as long as I can go on top.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45So, um, do you think Frank's still teaching Daisy how to
0:09:45 > 0:09:47tie knots in there?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48I hope so.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Why?
0:09:49 > 0:09:54I just heard something about the squirrel going up the trunk and in the hole.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58So, erm, are you still feeling nervous about sleeping on water?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00A bit.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Well, I think you've done really well, so far.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05And if you do get scared in the middle of the night,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07remember, I'm right next to you.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11To be honest, those two things are more likely to happen the other way round.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I mean it. If you need a hug, you know,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16to make yourself feel more safe.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Thanks, Lee. I might just do that.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22It's scary knowing the only thing separating me
0:10:22 > 0:10:24from death is one single plank.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27There's a good few inches of wood there.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I wasn't talking about the boat.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Neither was I.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Good night.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Morning.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48How d'you sleep?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Like a baby. It was so nice to drift off like that
0:10:51 > 0:10:53and then to wake to that gentle lapping.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Yeah, sorry about that. I was having a dream about a massive choc-ice.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01How you feeling?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Great. I'm really starting to overcome my fear of water.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06This was a brilliant idea. Thanks, Lee.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Good.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Right, well, I'm just going to nip over the road and...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16buy a Twix.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25I tell you what, Dad, you haven't exactly brought me much luck over the years,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28but something tells me this time I have landed on my feet.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What's going on?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Before I tell you, can I just confirm -
0:11:45 > 0:11:47this whole "fear of water" thing.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50That's in the past? You're over that, right?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Yeah, I think so. Why?
0:11:53 > 0:11:57LUCY SCREAMS
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Oh, my God.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07There's been a major terrorist attack on Eastbourne.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Is this really the only spare outfit you had, Dad?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15I hate Bermuda shorts.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18They're not Bermuda shorts, they're my normal trousers.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24I don't believe this. We're lost at sea.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Don't worry, I've made this.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I think it's a bit late for apologies, actually, Lee.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Not 'soz'. It's SOS.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43That's not going to work.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45It could be weeks before we see another boat.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48You may as well have written 'woof' on that sheet in the hope
0:12:48 > 0:12:51that Lassie spots us from his flipping Jet Ski.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Oh, God.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Don't worry, Lucy love, we'll be fine.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57How? Can you get the engine working?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Engine's knackered, I'm afraid.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Have you got a radio transmitter?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02There was a one, but I got rid of it.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I swapped it for a load of duty-free fags.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07It was a very good deal, actually.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10In fact, I had to throw in the GPS and the life jackets.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16So, you're telling us there's no way of knowing where we are.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18No, I know exactly where we are.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Where? - We're in the middle of the sea.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24We know that, Dad, but whereabouts?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Are we in British waters or French waters?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30If we're in French waters, shouldn't we be drifting on the right?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35How the hell do I know which waters we're in?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39This is your boat. You are supposed to be the captain.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Put that back on!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43We decide when we're having a mutiny, not you.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45I'm going to be sick.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48If you're going to do that, do it over the side.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50No, don't, you'll attract sharks.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Britain doesn't have sharks.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55I don't think.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57We're all going to die, aren't we?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Don't be ridiculous.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00What about when all the water's gone?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02No, that's not going to work.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05It'll be millions of years before all that lot evaporates,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08and even then it'll be too far to walk back to the car.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I mean drinking water.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12We're getting quite low, actually.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14And there's not much food left, either.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Ohh... Who are we going to eat first?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Well, not me for starters.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22The size of you, it could only be starters.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26I tell you what, Lucy.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28You can have a little nibble of me if you're peckish.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30LUCY VOMITS
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Well, there's only one thing for it.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I've got an inflatable dinghy, we'll all just have to get into that
0:14:37 > 0:14:38and row for the shore.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Are you sure it's a dinghy?
0:14:40 > 0:14:41I mean, you call this a boat,
0:14:41 > 0:14:46so what you're calling a dinghy I'd assume we call a whoopee cushion.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Come on, you lot, help me find the pump.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53You've got to be kidding me.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55There is no way I'm getting onto a dinghy.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Why not? It's problem solved.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Oh really? My problem is that I'm terrified of being on this little unstable boat.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Your solution is to abandon it for an even smaller one.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06What next, all jump on the back of a turtle?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Or shall we Sellotape a crab to each foot,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11lasso a passing porpoise and water-ski to safety?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13What choice do we have?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19What if it's got a slow a puncture and deflates halfway across?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- All right, we'll check it first. - How?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23The way you check a bicycle inner tube.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27We'll inflate it in the water and if no bubbles come up, we'll know it's safe.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Are you sure?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Don't worry, Lucy, everything will be fine. I'm in charge now.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- Actually, I don't really think this is my...- Please...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38don't say 'cap size'.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Look, I've found the pump! I'll start inflating it.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Wait. Put it in the water first.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Just trust me.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55What if it sinks?
0:15:55 > 0:15:56It won't.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I think it will, Lee.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Daisy, it won't sink. It will lie on the surface of the water
0:16:00 > 0:16:03and that way we can check it before we use it.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04I think it will sink.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Oh, for God's sake, just put it in the water.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09OK. Fine, we'll do it your way if you're such a big expert.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10I am.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12But I think it's a big mistake.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Just do it.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Well, I hate to say I told you so.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27I meant the dinghy.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Oh.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46What time is it?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I don't know. I haven't got me watch on.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I can tell the time just by looking at the stars.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- Well?- It's...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00..night time.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Well, at least being stuck on here has given me
0:17:06 > 0:17:08and Lee a chance to bond.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12That's the thing about boats - makes you realise just who the
0:17:12 > 0:17:14people are that's important in your life.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18What do you think, Lucy love?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Your turn to blow, dickhead.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I think he's almost halfway.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- He? - Yeah, Marshall.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Well, this is where the madness starts -
0:17:31 > 0:17:33striking up a relationship with a half-empty bag of air.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Just trying to keep up morale.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I wasn't talking to you.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Oh, look out, everyone, I think Marshall's about to do a sneeze.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43A... A... A...
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Choo!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47MARSHALL HISSES
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Better out than in.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Lee, Lucy, wake up!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I've finally done it!
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Oh, thank God...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I have finally cracked the clove hitch knot.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Well, I say I. I, of course, mean we.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- We? - Yeah me and Marshall.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27He can't wait to get going. Look at him.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30He's well pumped. Actually, I didn't pump him, did I?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Well, he's certainly well blown.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37No wonder he's got a smile on his face. Let's go.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42BANGING
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Dad?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Oh, hello, son. I thought you were asleep.
0:18:50 > 0:18:50What are you doing?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Erm...
0:18:52 > 0:18:54There was a bee.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56You don't get bees in the middle of the sea.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59No, but you get them in the middle of the A and the C.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03All right, I admit it. I'm sinking the boat.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06We're abandoning it anyway, so I thought I might as well sink it.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Otherwise, it might eventually get towed back
0:19:09 > 0:19:10and I'd be responsible for salvage.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11How do you know that?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13It says so in the insurance policy -
0:19:13 > 0:19:16paragraph 26, subsection 7, clause D.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Why did you bother insuring a boat for 400 quid?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I didn't.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23I insured it for 12 grand.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26This whole thing was planned, wasn't it?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29You undid the ropes in the middle of the night and set us adrift.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30I didn't need to.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I tied them with a clove hitch knot.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34It's a crap knot, really - slightest bit of tension
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and it just comes undone.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Don't move.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Why?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43There's a bee on your head.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Why drag us three into it?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Cos I needed independent witnesses and not just me own son.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Well, guess what?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53You've wasted your time, there is no way us
0:19:53 > 0:19:55three are going to back up your story.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Fine. Seems I've got no insurance money then.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Which means I'll have no cash and nowhere to live.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Looks like I'm going to have to come and stay with you for a
0:20:04 > 0:20:07while till I sort me self out, doesn't it?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13What the hell are you doing?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16There was a bee.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You're sinking the boat! You pair of bloody maniacs!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21We have to. It's do with the...
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Protection of sea otters.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27If they see an empty boat,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30they can climb aboard and they sometimes get stuck.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Really?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Yeah, and the last thing anybody wants is slippery old vermin
0:20:34 > 0:20:35finding a new home.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Look, we're abandoning ship anyway, so it doesn't really matter.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Yeah. Eh, I hope you haven't left that dinghy unattended.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Of course not.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I gave Daisy strict instructions not to leave it.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Hello.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Where's the dinghy?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Pardon? - Where's the dinghy?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Pardon?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Where's Marshall?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Better. He's fine. I've put him in the water.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Don't worry, he's securely tied to the boat.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I used my new clove hitch knot.
0:21:09 > 0:21:16Marshall! I'm sorry! Marsha-a-all!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19You know before when I said stop panicking?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Well, you can start again now. . .
0:21:21 > 0:21:24THEY ALL SCREAM
0:21:29 > 0:21:30How's it looking in there?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I've patched it up as best I can, but we're still sinking.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Oh, God, we're going to drown.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36They say it's a peaceful way to go.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Not with someone's foot up your arse, it isn't.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42This boat is not going to stay afloat for much longer.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Why don't you make a few more holes with the pickaxe,
0:21:45 > 0:21:46to let the water drain out?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Right, there's only one thing for it. I'm going to fetch help.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52How?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I'm going to swim ashore.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Swim?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Are you sure about this, Lee?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Well, someone's got to try.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03What about the sharks?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05They'd be great at the swimming,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07but I'm not sure we could trust them to ask for help.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Well, I think you're an idiot. You'll never make it, son.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Well, if I don't, Dad, at least I can console myself with one thought -
0:22:13 > 0:22:15you've drowned, too.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Wish me luck.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Wait!
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Good luck.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Don't worry, Lucy, I'll be fine.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38We all will be.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Remember what that teacher said -
0:22:41 > 0:22:44half boy, half fish.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Whoa! Oh, it's freezing! Oh, get me out of here!
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I thought your teacher said you were half boy, half fish?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09They never actually saw me swim.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10I used to eat worms.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Look! I found the flare gun!
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Oh, thank God!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I never knew we had one of those.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19I thought you lived on here.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I lived in Chorley for 16 years, I never knew it had a Greggs.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Let me do it.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29No, I'm in control of this situation.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Oh, wait! There are specific instructions.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43Hold the flare at arm's length, well away from the face and above water.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Activate the flare with a sharp tug to the cord.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50OK, here goes...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Remembering to keep the yellow band at the top.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07You never know. Maybe we'll get rescued by a submarine.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Well, there goes our last hope.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24Finally, never dispose of the flare gun before both flares
0:24:24 > 0:24:26have been discharged.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Both?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29BOOM!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Dad, I'm making you captain again.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Do you know what this reminds me of?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51That bit in the film, Titanic.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56You know, the bit where the boat sinks and loads of people die.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- You know what it reminds me of? - What?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03That bit in Star Wars where Luke decides to kill his father.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05It's not my fault, son.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Not your fault?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08This whole thing was planned as an insurance scam.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11How can it not be your fault?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12You what?
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Oh, come on, Lucy love, let him who has never sinned cast the first...
0:25:19 > 0:25:20You can talk, son,
0:25:20 > 0:25:24you should never have got Lucy here on false pretences.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25What false pretences?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Pretending to want to try to help with your fear of water.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32He just wanted a romantic setting, a double bed
0:25:32 > 0:25:34and bingo.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36How romantic - bingo.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Don't listen to him, he's delirious. Why don't you shut up?
0:25:42 > 0:25:43- No, you shut up! - You're an idiot!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- You're the idiot!- You are.- You are.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Stop it!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I have got good reason to let the pair of you kill each other.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54But is this really how you want it to end?
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Is it?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58With you and your father screaming at each other?
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Lucy's right, Lee. This isn't the time for recriminations.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06It's time like this you should be thinking about all
0:26:06 > 0:26:08the positive things that your dad has done for you.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12All the childhood memories, the fun days out, the birthday presents...
0:26:15 > 0:26:16You absolute bastard!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Shut your face ! - No, you shut yours!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Wait! Oh, do what you want. What do I care?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24But just one question, before you do.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Did you ever resolve whether Britain has sharks or not?
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Why?
0:26:31 > 0:26:36Yes! You see? Once again, Daisy has been proved right!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40I mean...
0:26:40 > 0:26:43THEY ALL SCREAM
0:26:49 > 0:26:54Marshall, it's you! I knew you'd come back for me!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Oh, how did the swimming lesson go?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Pretty good, actually.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Then again, the water was above zero,
0:27:14 > 0:27:18pickaxes weren't involved and nothing was set on fire.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Oh, you didn't go to the local council pool then.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24So, ah, am I properly forgiven now?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Well, it wasn't really your fault your dad was trying to
0:27:27 > 0:27:28fiddle the insurance.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Are you going to back up his story?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Well, if we do, we risk 15 years in prison for fraud.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34And if we don't?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37He's got nowhere to live and comes knocking on our door.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I suppose, with good behaviour, I'll be out in 12.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Anyway, I hope you don't mind, but he's in there now.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I invited him for a cup of tea, then you'll never have to see him again.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I hope you're joking.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49'Fraid not.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I thought you were talking about your dad.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Oh, no.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I let the air out of him and packed him in a crate.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Anyway, Marshall's got something to ask you, actually.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- What?- Well, he was wondering, now you're overcoming your fear of water,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10if you'd like to come on a little boating trip -
0:28:10 > 0:28:11just the three of us.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Is he serious?
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Yeah.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24I wish I had invited my dad round now.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# Yeah not going out
0:28:30 > 0:28:31# Not staying in
0:28:31 > 0:28:34# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:28:34 > 0:28:37# But there is no need To scream and shout
0:28:37 > 0:28:41# Yeah, not going out
0:28:41 > 0:28:43# We are not going out. #
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd