0:00:02 > 0:00:04# We're not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around With my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# We're not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Yeah, OK, understood. Thanks, Geoffrey.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27'Hang on.'
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Are you talking to me whilst you're in the bathroom?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- Yeah.- 'Good God.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34'What are you wearing?'
0:00:36 > 0:00:39This conversation's taken a bit of a turn.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41'Lee, are you speaking to me naked?'
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I don't know. I can't see you.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Who's that?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46It's your dad.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Sorry, I've got to go, Geoffrey,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Lucy wants to use the bathroom to kill a pig.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Bye-bye.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- Did you want to speak to him? - Not in the bathroom, no.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Why did you bring him in here?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00You know he's not actually inside the magic speaking box, don't you?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02It's not that odd, using the phone in the bathroom.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Well, not for a man who goes to the toilet when he's in a phone box.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Next time my dad calls, can you take it in the living room?
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Have a bit of dignity.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19You have got to be kidding me.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20What's the problem?
0:01:20 > 0:01:21I'm still here?
0:01:21 > 0:01:22And?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Just think there should be a bit of mystery surrounding this thing.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27What do you want me to do,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30reach round and whip out a bunch of flowers?
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Why are you suddenly so bothered?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- I sometimes go to the toilet when you're in the shower.- Do you?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Don't look so shocked. You go to the toilet while you're in the shower!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- If it's bothering you so much, leave.- I'm cleaning my teeth.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- Well, use the kitchen sink. - You use the kitchen sink!
0:01:47 > 0:01:48OK!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Er, excuse me?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Could you close the door, please?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Unbelievable!
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- There's your orange juice. - Has it got bits in?- No.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07I want bits in.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13There. Now it's got bits in.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14I'm off to work.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Those rockets aren't going to fire themselves, are they, Molly?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20You don't have to keep pretending you're an astronaut, Daddy.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22We love you, whatever you do.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23I sell cars.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25That's rubbish!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Right, I'm going.- OK, see you later.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Is that it?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- What?- Well, aren't you going to miss me?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I don't know. Are you going to leave?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37You could say goodbye to me properly.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Wow. But not in front of the kids. We'll traumatise them.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45What's your problem this morning?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I'll tell you my problem.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Where's the intimacy gone in our relationship?
0:02:49 > 0:02:53I just did a great big wee in front of you. That's fairly intimate.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54It's not very romantic, is it?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Well, I'm sorry that I don't go to the toilet romantically enough.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Maybe next time I'll sit there playing the harp.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03After all, you sometimes sound like you're in there with a tuba.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Look, it's not just the toilet thing. It's romance in general.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Do you know that since we've had the kids,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- we haven't had a single night away, just the two of us?- So?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- That's your choice, just as much as mine.- No, it's not.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Do you remember what I asked for on my last birthday?
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Oh, not this again.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21The Orient Express is very expensive!
0:03:21 > 0:03:22We did the next best thing.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26The next best thing to the Orient Express is not Pizza Express!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30And you know it's not just about the money.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34OK, so I don't like leaving the kids with other people.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I want to be near them in case they need me.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Mummy, there's a burnt bit on my toast.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Well, phone social services!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44All right, what about tonight? Me and you
0:03:44 > 0:03:47go out for something to eat. I'll find us a nice restaurant.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Sounds nice.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50But...?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Well, if we go out, we only have to come back.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55And we're already here.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57All that dressing up, choosing a restaurant...
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Yeah, it's not easy, is it? Putting clothes on and eating.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Maybe we should just stay at home in our pants
0:04:02 > 0:04:03and suck on a damp flannel.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07OK, we'll stay at home, but we're doing it properly.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I'll cook us dinner.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12We don't watch television, and we don't eat until the kids are in bed.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13OK, if you insist.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14If I insist?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I'm not asking you to dress as a lollipop lady
0:04:17 > 0:04:18and spank me with the sign!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- It's supposed to be romantic.- OK.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- So I'm saying yes, fine, OK?- Great.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Well, I'll look forward to it, then. - Well then, so will I.- Fine.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Are you two getting divorced?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Just eat your orange juice.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Coming, ready or not!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Are they hiding in the cupboard under the stairs?
0:04:50 > 0:04:54No, they're not in the cupboard under the stairs.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Are they hiding under the kitchen table?
0:04:57 > 0:05:01No, they're not hiding under the kitchen table.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Where can they be?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Maybe I should look behind the curtains.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09No, they're not behind the curtains.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11We are behind the curtains!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I meant under the carpet.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Come on.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Charlie's been sick at Beavers.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Don't worry, son, I once sneezed at an otter.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Oh, why's it so gloomy in here?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I was going for an ambience.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Is the ambulance for me?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Not an ambulance, an ambience.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41It means when you're trying to create...an ambience.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Oh, so that's where they are. I had no idea!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51We did tell you.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Oh, that was your voice, was it? I'll cancel the priest.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Let's get them to bed.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- I can't help tonight, can I? I'm cooking, remember?- Yeah...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- OK, I'll sort the kids out. - What are you doing?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Just grabbing a banana. I'm starving.- Well, don't grab a banana.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- It will spoil your dinner. - Why, is that what we're having?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Molly, you know when you do that
0:06:12 > 0:06:13and it's not your birthday, a fairy dies?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16MOLLY WAILS
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Come on, kids. Daddy's busy.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I'm just trying to create an atmosphere.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Well, I'm hungry and the kids are upset, so well done.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Mission accomplished.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Oh. You've changed.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37No big deal. Same pants.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39They must be due their annual service soon.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Oh, looks lovely.- Thanks.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45It's a Jamie Oliver thing.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46I was going to do Heston,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49but I didn't have a hydrovacuated testicular spatula.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53It's a Moroccan lamb dish.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Made with loads of different spices and cooked in a sauce made from...
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Made from chicken beaks and cats' faces.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Oh, sounds lovely.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Are you texting?
0:07:03 > 0:07:04No.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Yes, you are. You're on the phone.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08I know, but I'm not texting. I was on Tinder!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I'm just looking up Charlie's symptoms.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Well, whilst you're on the NHS website,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16you might want to look up the medical effects of having
0:07:16 > 0:07:18a lamb tagine force-fed down your oesophagus.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Charlie will be fine.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Come on, it's supposed to be a romantic meal.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- Took me ages to do this cooking. - Thanks.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29And I do appreciate you going to the same effort I go to every night.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33In fact, if this is the effect it has,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I should go to the toilet in front of you more often!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38It wasn't just the toilet thing.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I just worry sometimes that we're not concentrating on each other
0:07:41 > 0:07:42as much as we should be.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Is this you asking me for more sex?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46No.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Well, were you about to suggest...? - No.- It's not about sex.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52It's about me and you not forgetting to be romantic with each other,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54like we are being now.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Look, Lee, I really appreciate everything you've done tonight.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59And it's sweet that you're so concerned about us, but,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01honestly, we're doing fine!
0:08:01 > 0:08:02I love you.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Along with the kids, you're the most important thing in my life,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08and I don't take that for granted, ever.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10And I certainly don't think I've lost the romance.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Are you sure?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13I'm sure.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14OK.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Happy anniversary.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Well, aren't you going to open it?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35It's not today, is it?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Oh, I think it is.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Well, you're obviously overwhelmed. I'll open it for you.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Are you sure it isn't tomorrow?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Oh, no, tomorrow is a different special day altogether.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47It's the one-day anniversary of the that day you forgot our anniversary.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Look, it's that special vintage hourglass
0:08:51 > 0:08:52we saw in that antiques shop.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Well, I haven't really forgotten our anniversary.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh, so?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I'll give you three minutes to think of something.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Well, maybe there's a present waiting for you to unwrap
0:09:12 > 0:09:14when we get upstairs.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- Oh? An actual present?- Could be.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Or do you mean me taking your clothes off, because unless you've
0:09:20 > 0:09:23got some Debenhams vouchers tucked under there, that doesn't count!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Is this why you've been acting odd all day?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Going on about the lack of romance?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Oh, Lucy, forget about it. It doesn't matter.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34This is just a silly little something to say that the
0:09:34 > 0:09:37sands of time are like my love for you.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Always flowing.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41And if at times our love has the appearance of ebbing away,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44you just have to put a little bit of effort in and very soon
0:09:44 > 0:09:49you can turn things round and see the love flowing once again.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50I hate you!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- How's Charlie? - He's completely fine this morning.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Oh, good. Looks like I'm the only ill one in the house.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Why, what's up with you?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Well, I'm obviously lovesick, aren't I?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Oh.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Look, Lee, I'm really sorry, OK?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it. Forgive and forget.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I'll do the forgiving, you do the...
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- It's a joke.- It's just, I've got so much on with the kids at the moment.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- There's so many things I need to remember.- Exactly.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29And you do a great job.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31You remembered your cousin's birthday last week.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34You remembered Halloween and you remembered St George's Day,
0:10:34 > 0:10:35and you remembered Pancake Day
0:10:35 > 0:10:37and you remembered Charlie's teacher's birthday
0:10:37 > 0:10:39and you remembered your mum and dad's anniversary.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41And you even remembered the date
0:10:41 > 0:10:44that Starbucks brought back the pumpkin spiced latte.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47You remember all the important dates.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Everything except our wedding anniversary, yeah?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Yeah, but only because I've got a very clever method for remembering it.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Every year, it falls on exactly the same day that we got married.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59The most important day of my life.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02So you are annoyed.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04It's not your fault, it's mine.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06For being an overly sensitive, achingly romantic,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10soppy old softie pants with a heart full of love to give.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I'm going to be late.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Bye.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I mean...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Bye, darling, have a great day!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Oh, careful. It's not our anniversary today.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25That was yesterday.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Hello?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- CHILDREN:- Surprise!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44# Happy birthday to you
0:11:44 > 0:11:47# Happy birthday to you... #
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- It's not my birthday. - It's the only thing they can do.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52# Happy birthday to you! #
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Oh, no, you ruined my ambience.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Wow, this is fantastic!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And we got you one or two little gifts.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Oh, look, you got me all my favourite things.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Chocolates, biscuits, selection of French cheeses,...
0:12:07 > 0:12:08There isn't any cheese.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Oh, my mistake, it's just because I love cheese,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- so I presumed that you'd just... - I'll get you some cheese tomorrow!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Oh! Now I'm the one feeling bad.- Why?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Well, if I hadn't been a silly old romantic
0:12:20 > 0:12:22and remembered our anniversary,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26you wouldn't be doing all of this because you're wracked with guilt.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I see.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Kids, go and play upstairs.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Uh-oh!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- How long, then?- What?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40How long are you going to put me on the naughty step for this?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Four-year-olds get four minutes, six-year-olds get six minutes,
0:12:43 > 0:12:44what do I get?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Nobody deserves that amount of punishment.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50It really doesn't make any difference what I do
0:12:50 > 0:12:52or what I get for you now, does it?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53I'd still quite like the cheese.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55No chance. What's the point?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I'll always be the one who forgot,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- and we'll remember that every year, won't we?- Well, I will.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07The terrible old wife who forgot our seventh wedding anniversary.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Eighth.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17You know what, Lee?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19So what if I forgot our poxy anniversary?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I think this year was copper. 14th is poxy.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- What is one little mistake against hundreds?- Like what?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Like last year's anniversary and that wonderful,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31romantic set of pans?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I thought that was a very romantic gesture, actually.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37And all because the lady loves Tefal.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39They weren't just a set of pans,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42they were nonstick heat-resistant thermostat pans.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Oh, I didn't realise.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I thought they were your ordinary, run-of-the-mill misogynistic ones.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Handed to me with those loving words,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"What are you going to cook in these, then?"
0:13:51 > 0:13:54If I remember rightly, there were other romantic gestures
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I made that day that were thrown back in my face.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Lee, climbing into bed drunk
0:13:57 > 0:14:00and climbing on top of me while I'm asleep,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03shouting, "Wake up, Lucy, it's that time of year again!"
0:14:03 > 0:14:06does not constitute romance!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Well, neither do the words, "Get off me,"
0:14:08 > 0:14:09"You stink of Bailey's" and,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12"Have you still got the receipt for those pans?"
0:14:12 > 0:14:14KNOCK ON DOOR
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- Hello.- We just popped round to wish you a happy wedding anniversary.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22I know it was yesterday
0:14:22 > 0:14:24but we didn't want to disturb you on your special day.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Oh, how nice of you to remember.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Actually, we're not staying. - Just on my way out, anyway.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Well, I suppose we do have time for a quick cup of tea.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44The romance has gone in our relationship.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Oh, don't be like that. I've just bought you a muffin.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Anyway, it's not all bad. Congratulations on your anniversary.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Have you not been listening? She forgot about it.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56And that is why I'm congratulating you.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I could live off a moral victory like that for months.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- It's not a victory, though, is it?- Course it is.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04You remembered, she forgot. 1-0 to you.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Why do you constantly see marriage as
0:15:06 > 0:15:09a war of attrition between two completely opposing sides?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13I don't. I see mine as a simple war between good and evil.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I just thought, as the kids get older,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19you'd get more time to spend together.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Yep, that's another problem.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Seriously, though, you've been married longer than me.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Is it normal for this to happen?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Of course it's normal. Relax.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31At the moment, it might feel like the romance is fading a bit but,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33a few years down the line,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36you'll realise that it wasn't fading at all.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38It was stone-cold dead.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Did I detect an atmosphere between you and Lee as we came in?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I don't really want to talk about it.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I thought your marriage might be in trouble,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50but I didn't want to get my hopes up.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53So, what's up?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Well, Lee's got it into his head that there's not enough
0:15:55 > 0:15:57romance between us.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Romance? Pfft, what does that mean?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- I'll fetch you a dictionary, Geoffrey.- I know what it means.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05And you've got a gift subscription to Good Housekeeping Magazine
0:16:05 > 0:16:06to prove it.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Look, I'm sure it's nothing serious. It was your anniversary yesterday.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- You celebrated that, didn't you? - Course we did.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- We had a lovely dinner at home. - Oh, yes.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21And I bet I can guess who was the one slaving over the oven all day.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Well, just a bit of simple cooking.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25It's not that difficult, is it?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Course it is. It takes time and effort.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31It shows a person is considerate, thoughtful and loving.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Oh, hush now!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Your dad's right. These things really matter.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40If want my advice on how to put some spice back into your marriage...
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Oh, please don't, Mum.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I don't really want to think of your marriage as having spice in it.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49It's a lot easier for me to think of it as a plain omelette.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Spend more time together.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54That's easy for you to say. You're not married to Lee.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56We do spend time together. Every day.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- We're raising three kids.- Exactly.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01That's why you should have the occasional night away
0:17:01 > 0:17:02from the children.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- That's what Lee said, actually. - He's right.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Remember when you were five, that caravan holiday in Dorset?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- I think I do remember it. - I don't.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15You went with your grandparents. Geoffrey and I were in Paris.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17You remember that, don't you, Geoffrey?
0:17:17 > 0:17:18I certainly do.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Most pleasant.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28You know we'd be delighted to stay over and look after the children.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32You can even do your speciality dish for them, can't you, Geoffrey?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Of course. My toad-in-the-hole was the talk of the regiment.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I love these pans, by the way.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Oh, surprise!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Bit of a heartless way to say you're leaving me.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Do you remember asking for a particular present?- You haven't.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I have!
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Are those suitcases full of French cheese?!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Better than that.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Orient Express tickets?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Well, not quite, we're not made of money,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09but it's still a fancy train and we get to sleep on it.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10You're taking me?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13No, Lee, I'm taking my secret lesbian lover.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I won't need a ticket, then. I'll be hiding in the wardrobe.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- I thought you were getting a bit fed up with me lately.- I am.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- That's why we're going. - I should have had an affair.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- We could've gone to Disneyland! - Well, come on, then, get changed.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26What, we're going tonight? What about the kids?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Mum and Dad said they'd look after them.- The poor sods.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30No, they were happy to babysit, actually.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I meant the kids.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34At least getting them to sleep will be easy.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Half an hour with your dad and they'll take themselves off to bed!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Well, those surprises keep coming, don't they?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55It's the first train I've been on where there is
0:18:55 > 0:18:56no chewing gum stuck under the seat.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Never mind. You'll just have to buy your own, like everyone else.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- This is really posh.- I know! Look.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Even the salt pot's got the name of the train written on it.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Quick, pass me my handbag.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10You're not nicking a salt pot.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, guess who's not going to be allowed to lick his plate, then.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18You're not my real dad.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Thanks, Lucy. This is so...
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Romantic?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- Exactly.- Well, trains are romantic places, aren't they?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Think of all those films. Doctor Zhivago, Brief Encounter...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33The Taking Of Pelham 123.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- I'm not sure that's romantic. - It was for me.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I watched it with my first girlfriend, Michaela Bradbury.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41We were on our sofa, and halfway through the film,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44she turned to me and asked if I'd ever properly felt a woman before.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46And I hadn't. So I leaned over and...
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- I've misjudged this anecdote, haven't I?- Never mind.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Tell me what happened next,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54and I can tell you all about what I got up to with Andrew Kingsley.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Is he an old school boyfriend? - No, he's our postman.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I hope this makes up for forgetting our anniversary.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04What anniversary?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Good answer.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07And I hope you're not missing the kids too much.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- What kids?- Good answer.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13I'm enjoying being with just you. It's nice.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Just having quality time with a husband I love and cherish...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- Do you want to phone them? - Yes, please!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Hey, why don't I order us a bottle of champagne
0:20:24 > 0:20:26to take back to the cabin?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Oh, you won't hear me complaining.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30But we might hear you...moaning.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Why? Is it really expensive?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Oh!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- 'Lucy!'- Hi, Dad, just me.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Tell me where you are and I'll come and collect you.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46No need for that.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49It's all going very well, actually. How are the children?
0:20:49 > 0:20:50'All tucked up in bed,'
0:20:50 > 0:20:52fast asleep.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Thanks, Dad. Looks like it all turned out all right in the end.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Even if some idiot did forget our anniversary.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You shouldn't be too hard on him about that.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02No, it was me. I'm the one who forgot.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04You as well?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06'Quite the pair, aren't you?'
0:21:06 > 0:21:08What do you mean?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Well, I rang him up, the morning of your anniversary, to remind him.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18'Yeah, he was in the bathroom at the time and he hadn't got a clue.'
0:21:18 > 0:21:19What?!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21So, you see, you're both idiots.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26OK, then, Dad, thanks. See you later. Bye.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I ordered the champagne.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Oh, damn, I meant to ask Dad something. Oh, never mind.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34I'll ask you instead.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Why did Dad ring the other morning?
0:21:38 > 0:21:39What?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43You remember. You were speaking to Dad on the phone in the bathroom.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45On the morning of our anniversary.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I can't remember now.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Come on. You're always the one who remembers everything.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Remember?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Oh, yes, that's it. He had trouble with his crossword.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Yeah, racehorse, won the Grand National, 1981.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Devious little bastard.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05I said Aldaniti.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10You forgot our anniversary, too.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- No, I didn't.- Yes, you did.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I cooked you a meal and bought you a present.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Yeah, 12 hours later, but there were no presents in the morning
0:22:17 > 0:22:19because you hadn't got me anything in the morning.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22You'd forgotten all about it until my dad reminded you.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Oh, what does it matter how I remembered?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I could have put it in the diary or put a little alert on my phone.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I just happened to go with the system of having your dad ring me
0:22:29 > 0:22:30completely out of the blue.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I'm still the romantic one in this relationship.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35OK...what colour eyes have I got?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Oh, don't be so stupid.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40What colour are they?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Come on.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47What, both of them?
0:22:49 > 0:22:50You don't know, do you?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Can I phone your dad? - What colour are they?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- They are...- Yes?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I've always seen them as the colour of the spring skies
0:23:00 > 0:23:02in that moment just after dawn.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05They're green, Lee! I've got green eyes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09They're going red at the moment. All right, what colour are my eyes?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14All right, I messed that up.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- You tricked me into taking you away. - Tricked you?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18This is supposed to be a romantic trip.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20A guilt trip is what it is.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Only because you are guilty, because you forgot our anniversary.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- She forgot our anniversary. - So did he!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27OK, so maybe I was a little bit dishonest.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- But I did it for a good reason. - What good reason?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33So that me and you could spend some romantic quality time together
0:23:33 > 0:23:35which, if you hadn't noticed, is exactly what we're doing now!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Oh, yeah, because you're a great big romantic, you are, aren't you?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41And by the way, Barry White, I forgot to say thank you for
0:23:41 > 0:23:43the anniversary present of an egg timer.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45That was a vintage hourglass.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46It was a second-hand egg timer
0:23:46 > 0:23:50for timing the eggs I'm meant to boil in your crappy pans.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52They are good, solid pans.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Tefal!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56That's another thing. It's all very well,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59you getting all squeamish about me peeing in front of you.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00She does that, as well.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02But that's as nothing compared to the nonstop belching and
0:24:02 > 0:24:05farting you've been doing since the day we met.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You can stop listening now.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Well, where the hell does it all come from?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I'm surprised people haven't started fracking you!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17OK, so I'm a bit gassy. Shoot me!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Shoot you?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21You'll take out half the carriage!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Your problem is not that we lost the romance.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Your problem is that I started stooping to your level.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01KNOCK ON DOOR
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Yes?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Hello, madam. My name's Jenkins.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- Your husband asked me to deliver these.- Did he?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Yes, by means of an apology.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Apparently he's been acting like the perfect buffoon.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Is that right?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22What did he do?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25He lied about remembering your anniversary.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Anything else?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28You know.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Yeah, I know. Does he?
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Is it the pans?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35It's not the pans.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Is it for making his lovely wife feel guilty
0:25:38 > 0:25:40and manipulating the situation?
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Even though he, of all people, knows how easy it is to forget?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Especially if you're busy being a full-time mum
0:25:46 > 0:25:48to three beautiful children?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50And the pans.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Would you like us to eject him from the train, madam?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58No. Wait until it's going a bit faster.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Well, can I at least come in
0:26:00 > 0:26:03before the steward realises that I've nicked this?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Hell of a meal, wasn't it?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09We may have lost the romance a bit,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11but you can't say we've lost the passion.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Yeah, it was pretty passionate.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Sorry, Lucy. Really.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Happy anniversary.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25You know who I blame? Your dad.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28If he hadn't remembered, none of this would have happened.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30So...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- what now?- Well...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36..that depends, Jenkins.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Did my husband ask you to do anything else while you were here?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Actually, there was some other business he asked
0:26:41 > 0:26:42me to attend to, madam.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- Other business, Jenkins? - Yes, madam.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Of a romantic nature.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Well, I hope you're going to be thorough, Jenkins.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Well, I... Can I just check -
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- we're talking about sex, right? - Yes.- Right.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Let's just say I undertake my duties extremely rrrigorously.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Well, can you just give me a moment
0:27:02 > 0:27:05to slip into something more comfortable?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Of course, madam.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Drinks are ready when you are, madam.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Very good, Jenkins.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I'll be with you in a minute.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Oh, for god's sake. At least lift the seat!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# We're not going out
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# Not staying in
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# We're not going out
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# We are not going out. #