0:00:02 > 0:00:04# We're not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# We're not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:18 > 0:00:22This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Oh, are you and Toby still OK for our tapas night next week?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Yes, looking forward to it.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Oh, and talking of nights out,
0:00:29 > 0:00:31last week, Toby and I paid a small fortune
0:00:31 > 0:00:34for tickets to the ballet, and sod's law,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36the morning after we saw it, one of Toby's rich patients
0:00:36 > 0:00:39gave him tickets to the exact same ballet as a gift.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41You know what it's like when these things happen.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Yeah.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Like that time I bought the box set of Touch Of Frost
0:00:46 > 0:00:48and then they go and repeat it all on ITV2.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Right.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Well...it's tomorrow night.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55The tickets are yours, if you'd like them.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Oh, wow! Thanks, Anna. That's amazing.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02You don't think it will be a bit of a culture shock for Lee?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Any culture comes as a shock to Lee.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07As much I'd like to see the look on Lee's face,
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I really do have to dash. See you soon.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11OK, bye. Thanks, Anna.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- What look on my face?- We've got two tickets for the ballet.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20That look there.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22The only problem is, who are we going to get to baby-sit?
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Why can't you ask your mum?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Because it's tomorrow night and that's her bridge night.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Oh, finally decided to chuck herself off one, has she?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I knew your dad would grind her down in the end.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33And we can't ask Dad either,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36because he's got some big, important dinner at the golf club.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- Well, ask a friend. - I can't ask a friend.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Some of them don't know the kids or what they're like.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42So? They're more likely to agree.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45If we can't find a family member to do it, maybe we can't go.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48All right, I'll ask me dad.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Your dad?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Yeah. He's a family member. - Are you serious?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Yes, I've got a DNA test from the Child Support Agency to prove it.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Actually, do you know what, Lee? You're right.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I'm being silly, aren't I? I'll just ask Anna to baby-sit.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Sorry?- Well, she knows the kids. She'll be great.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Oh. I'm assuming you've already asked the Child Catcher
0:02:08 > 0:02:09from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I thought you said it had to be a family member.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- And you said that was ridiculous. - No, I said I'll ask me dad.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Yeah, well, that's the same thing, isn't it?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Look, I know I'm always banging on about what a waster he is,
0:02:19 > 0:02:23but maybe it's time the kids spent some time with Grandad Frank,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25get to know him, see what he's like as a person.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Maybe.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29That way, when I'm slagging him off, they'll know what I'm talking about.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31What do you reckon?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34OK. But I can't say he'd be my first choice of baby-sitter.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Yeah. Well, he wouldn't be my first choice of father, but he is.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Come on, what's the worst that can happen?
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Try not to think too much about that.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Dad'll be here in a minute.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55What are you doing?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Nothing. Just having a bit of a tidy.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh, I see.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01You're hiding the booze.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Dad is not going to come here and get drunk.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- Are you sure?- Yeah.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07He'll already be drunk. KNOCK ON DOOR
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- All right, son? - All right? What's in the bag?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I brought a little hair band, some ribbons and bows.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- Aww! That's nice. Molly'll like that.- They're not for her.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21They're for you to wear at the ballet.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Ah, here he is, my little Benji.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- That's Charlie.- Oh, yeah.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28You know, you're growing up that fast, I thought you was the oldest.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31He is the oldest.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Hiya, Frank. Say hello to your grandad.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Do I have to kiss him?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Charlie, say hello to Grandad Frank.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Never mind Grandad Frank.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- I want you to start calling me Grandpops.- Grandpops?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Yeah, that's what I used to call my grandad.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48We thought it was nice that I had a cosy name for the bitter old racist.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Hello, Grandpops.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51That's better.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Have you come to burgle us?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Ha-ha! The questions kids ask. - Yeah.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Have you come to burgle us?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Oh, here come the other two monkeys. Are you ready for some fun?
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Are you going to teach us to play poker, like you did at Christmas?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Yeah, but I did give you some of the money back, though, didn't I?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Frank, I've jotted down a little list of things.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16I've set the timer on the oven,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19so all you have to do is wait for the ping and then dish up.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Pyjamas are all laid out,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23and bed at eight o'clock at the very, very latest, please.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25You forget, I've raised a child myself.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Have you? You never told me that.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Look, I know I let you down as a father, Lee,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31but that's all behind us now.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I want to be the best grandfather I can be.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I promise you, Lucy, I would walk through fire for those kids.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Please don't.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- We're going to be late.- OK, well, you've got my phone number,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- so if there's even the slightest problem...- Yes.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I was talking to the kids.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Frank? We're back.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Well, the furniture's still here. That's a start.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Dad?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Please don't say he's popped to the pub.- I hope not.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Last time he did that, he was gone for 11 years.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11You check on the kids. I'll phone his mobile.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Oh, you're back.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Where have you been? - Where does it look like?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Cornwall in the 1700s.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I've emptied your recycling bin.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I did a bit of tidying-up. Hope you don't mind.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28- Oh, yeah.- Yeah.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Me and the kids made a bit of a mess playing pirates,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33but I tidied up, did a bit of hoovering.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Even changed a couple of light bulbs while I were at it.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Where's, er...? Where's Lucy?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Never mind that. Where's my dad?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42She's upstairs.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Is she, er...? Is she OK?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Yeah, she's fine.- Well...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48It's none of my business,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50but when I was tidying up, I found a load of booze under the sink.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Now, I'll say no more, as long as you know I'm never far away.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01That's probably why she needs to drink.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Oh! Hiya, Frank.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Dad's been having a tidy-up.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Oh, yeah.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08What's with the face?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Well, after supper, we did some pirate face-painting,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13and that wore 'em out before bath time.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Then we brushed teeth, read stories.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Shouldn't have done two, but they wouldn't let me stop.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And then they were fast asleep before eight.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Everything on the list is done.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23So, do you need a lift home,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26or are you just going to open up your umbrella and take off?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Well, I'll be off.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Any time you want to go out again, just say the word.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Well, actually, Frank,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Anna and Toby have invited us out next Saturday.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Oh, really? What is it this time, son?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Flower arranging or hopscotch lessons?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- It's tapas.- Oh.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I was going to ask my mum and dad, but if you've got nothing on...?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Say no more. I'm looking forward to it already.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Oh, thanks, Frank.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I'm going to go and make myself a drink. Do you want one, Lee?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Why don't you have a glass of water with it as well?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03What did you make of the ballet, Lee?
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Was the principal dancer shocked
0:07:04 > 0:07:07when you tried to slip a £10 note down her top?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Quite enjoyed it, actually.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Inspirational doesn't begin to describe its maverick approach
0:07:12 > 0:07:15to this often more traditionally based piece by Jeremy Rogan.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I think Jeremy Rogan was the name of the reviewer.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20EXCITED SHOUTS
0:07:22 > 0:07:25So, everything still OK for our tapas night?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Yup. Lee's dad's all booked in to baby-sit.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Frank? Really?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- You sound surprised, Anna. - Well, only because...you know.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34What?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I've met him.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Well, to be honest, we were a little nervous at first,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42but he did a great job the other night.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Well, good for Frank.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I think it's wonderful to expose the children
0:07:47 > 0:07:50to...all different aspects of life.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I wish you had that attitude towards our son.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I recently took Jack on the bus.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I don't think the park and ride shuttle bus
0:07:57 > 0:07:59to the Chelsea Flower Show really counts.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03CHILDREN BICKER
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Actually, Lucy, if you don't mind,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I think I'll just take the iPad off them.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Leave it, Anna. A bit of noise never hurt anyone.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13And yet looks can kill.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Can you pass that to me, please?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- No.- Come on, now, Benji, time to hand it over.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- Oh,- BLEEP- off.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27What did you say?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Oh,- BLEEP- off.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30I beg your pardon?!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Don't keep making him say it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Benji, where did you learn that word?
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Grandpops said it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Go to your room right now.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Anna, I'm so, so sorry.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48It's fine, really.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Don't believe her. She says that to me.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Anyway, we really need to be on our way. Jack...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Not because of what just happened, I hope.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Yeah, you don't have to leave just because Benji told you to.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Toby, I'm so, so sorry. - Don't worry about it.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08It's nice to hear someone finally pluck up the courage to tell her.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I knew we should never have let your dad baby-sit.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16We need to get him round right now
0:09:16 > 0:09:18and see what he has to say for himself.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Get him round? That's overreacting a bit, isn't it?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Oh, so you think it's acceptable to swear in front of young children?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I never said that, but I'm sure he didn't mean any harm.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27It's... It's just a cultural thing.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Oh, don't start all that "pushing your bike up the cobbles
0:09:31 > 0:09:35"to see your auntie, who was a one-eyed prostitute" claptrap.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Bad language is bad language.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Look, he's coming over again on Saturday, anyway, to baby-sit,
0:09:39 > 0:09:43so I'll have a chat with him then, so it's less of a big deal.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44You're not serious?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47There's no way that he's baby-sitting again.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- What, because of one swearword? - That we know of.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Who knows what other words he might have used.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53All right, let's get Benji down,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56read out a list and see which other ones he recognises.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'm serious. There is no way that Frank is baby-sitting again.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Either you can tell him or I will. - All right, I will tell him.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04And make sure you let him know exactly the reasons why.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07It's important the message gets across and he knows we're not happy.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Maybe we should get Benji to tell him.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Dad...
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Thank you.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Oh, "Barista".
0:10:22 > 0:10:23That's a very pretty name.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Dad, about this baby-sitting on Saturday.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Yes, I'm really looking forward to it, son.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Look what I've made the kids.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35It's a map of hidden treasure.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I said I'd go in the garden and help 'em to dig it up.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- X marks the spot. - You might want to move that a bit.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43That's close to where we buried the cat.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44The thing is...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46When you and Lucy said to me I'd done a good job,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48it meant the world to me, son.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Those kids, they didn't see me as some daft old man
0:10:53 > 0:10:54who were always messing things up.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57They saw me as Captain Grandpops,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59head of the pirate fleet,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- and I swore there and then... - I know you did.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05..I swore I wouldn't let them kids down the way I let you down.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I can't wait to baby-sit again.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Right. The thing is...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16What?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19We don't want you to baby-sit on Saturday.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Why not? What have I done wrong this time?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Nothing. Nothing at all.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33You did a great job and we want to use you again very soon.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36It's just that Toby and Anna have had to cancel the tapas night
0:11:36 > 0:11:40because they're going on a last-minute trip to Spain.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Obviously, they wanted to taste the real thing.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46As long as you were pleased with me baby-sitting the other day.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Dad, you did a brilliant job.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Thanks, son. That means a lot to me. I'll get off.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- Oh, hello.- Oh, for...
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Hi, Toby. Looking forward to going away?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01I was just explaining to my dad why he can't baby-sit this weekend.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Oh, I see.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Persona non grata, eh, Frank?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Oh, practise the language before you get there, eh?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I've explained that the evening's cancelled
0:12:09 > 0:12:12because you and Anna are going abroad this weekend.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, yes. That's right.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Italy.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Lee said Spain.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Well, it's sort of on the Spanish-Italian border, isn't it?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Yeah, there's nothing like a bracing swim across the Mediterranean
0:12:26 > 0:12:29to whet the appetite.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Well, I'll see you later.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- It was just one little white lie. - I'm not bothered about that.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I'm bothered about the four-letter word
0:12:37 > 0:12:40my Jack can't stop saying since your son taught it to him.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Yesterday he told both the cleaner and the gardener to eff off.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47If either of them spoke English, we would be mortified.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52So I'm assuming you were meant to confront your dad about it just now
0:12:52 > 0:12:54and you chickened out.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56No, I didn't chicken out.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I just happen to think my dad is a bit of a new man.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I think he's got something to offer. Look at this.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Don't trust him. You'll be digging for ages.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05There'll be nothing there.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07He never did stuff like this for me when I was a kid.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I honestly think he might be changing,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12and I am not going to punish him for one simple mistake.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14So, no, I didn't chicken out,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17cos I don't chicken out of difficult conversations.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20So you're going to tell Lucy what just happened?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Am I hell! She'll bloody kill me.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Oh, we'd better get a move on.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Anna and Toby are picking us up soon.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Still can't believe we cancelled me dad baby-sitting.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39And I can't believe he's had all week
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and still hasn't phoned me to apologise.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Well...he's ashamed.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45He's never felt shame before.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It's like three-ply quilted toilet paper.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49He hadn't felt that till last year.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Well, as long as you made it perfectly clear
0:13:52 > 0:13:53that we weren't happy.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I couldn't have been clearer.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I even folded my arms when I said it. I learnt from the master.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59I don't do that.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02You always do that. Arms folded for serious.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Weight on the left leg for really serious.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08And if you add on a, "I beg your pardon?!"
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I know it's time to hit the eject button.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I'm not joking, Lee.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I know. I made it very clear when I told him.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19In fact, he was so embarrassed about the swearing,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22he said that if it ever gets brought up again in conversation,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24he'll pretend to know nothing about it.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29So it's probably best to never, ever mention it to him again, ever.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30At all.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Well, I suppose it would make it less awkward.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Oh, it certainly would.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- KNOCK ON DOOR - Oh, that'll be Mum and Dad.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Mm, I thought the temperature had suddenly dropped.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Hello, Lucy, love.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Oh.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Hi, Frank. We weren't expecting you.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I know, but you've no need to worry. I'm not baby-sitting.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It's cancelled. Lee explained.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Good.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Well, I hope you understand the situation.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Well, these things happen. It's no big deal.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00It's nice for them to have new experiences, new language,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02that sort of thing.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Dad...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Just brought these things for the kids.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Right. That's very kind of you. See you later.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14No, no, wait... Don't you want to know what it is?
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Let me guess.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Is it a DVD of Shaun Ryder doing Jackanory?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21It's just a few pirate costumes that I got from the pound shop.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- What's going on? Why have you got dressed up?- I haven't.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27You have. I can smell toothpaste.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- Are you going out?- No.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31- Yes, we are.- Oh, sorry.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Um, I forgot to say, Toby and Anna cancelled at the last minute.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Gone to Spain.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I only spoke to Anna 20 minutes ago.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Well, like I say, it was very last-minute.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Is there another reason why you cancelled me?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46You know very well why we cancelled you.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Well, you should know, anyway.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Yeah, but we agreed to forget about that, didn't we?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Forget what?- That's the spirit.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55You didn't tell him, did you?
0:15:55 > 0:15:56What the hell's going on?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00"What the hell"? Frank, you missed your favourite word.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01I'm sorry?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04He's apologised. Let's move on.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Clearly, Lee didn't have the guts, Frank, so I'll tell you.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10The day after you were here, Benji told my friend Anna to eff off.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Well, I can see his point.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Why's that my fault?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Because he heard you using the word when you baby-sat.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19He most certainly did not, cos I never said it.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Well, that's not what Benji says.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Look, can we talk about this later? We're on our way out.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24No, no, no, no.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26You two are going nowhere till we get to the bottom of this.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28KNOCK ON DOOR
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Whoever that is, you can tell 'em to go and get...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32All right, you're not helping your case.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- Hello.- Oh, good(!) This'll help calm things down.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Oh, I see.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41You've invited the respectable side of the family to baby-sit, have you?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45That's right, Frank. Turned out Roy Chubby Brown wasn't available.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I was first choice, you know?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Really? You never mentioned that to us, darling.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Why should she mention it?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I've got as much right to baby-sit as you.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Am I right in assuming our untimely entrance has come mid-altercation?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Now, that's the kind of language you want to keep your kids away from.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03What's going on?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Frank baby-sat last weekend.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Two weekends in a row?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08We haven't done anything wrong, have we, Lucy?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Of course not, unlike Frank.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12He swore in front of Benji,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14and the next day, he repeated it in front of Anna.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Disgraceful behaviour, although I'd be lying if I said I was surprised.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Don't you look down your nose at me, you middle-class ponce.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23All right, there's no need for that, Dad.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25You would say that, wouldn't you?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Cos you've turned into a middle-class ponce, too.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- No, I've not. I'm still working-class.- Oh, yeah(!)
0:17:30 > 0:17:31You're like a matchstick man...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34in a Lowry painting with your flat cap and your clogs,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37off to get a tapas while you're going to the ballet.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- Don't start making this about me. I've not changed.- Course you have.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43How long is it since you lived off your wits,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45when you wondered where your next meal were coming from?
0:17:45 > 0:17:50Sorry, Dad. I said I was working-class, not Oliver Twist.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Got nothing to do with class.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Swearing in front of children is simply not acceptable.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I never swore.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Maybe you didn't realise you'd said it.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59The kids were probably in the other room.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It's never an excuse, ever.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Geoffrey, we can't wrap the kids in cotton wool.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06No, but maybe you can plug their ears with it when Frank's here.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I can't believe you didn't ask us to baby-sit.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I would have cancelled my bridge night.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11You should have just asked.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Given all the times we've looked after them, it seems a bit much
0:18:14 > 0:18:17that we've now become second choice to...his side of the family.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Oh, sorry, me? I thought Genghis Khan had walked in.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- You're not second choice. - Is that right?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Yeah, Anna was second choice. You were third choice.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31This is your fault we weren't asked first.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I told you Nick Faldo's autobiography
0:18:33 > 0:18:35does not make a good bedtime story.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Don't start on me.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I'm not the one swearing at my grandchildren.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Neither am I.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Sorry, Frank? You calling my grandson a liar?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Maybe.- Why would he lie about something like that?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47I don't know.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Maybe your daughter's not bringing him up properly.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I beg your pardon?!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Dad, it's time to hit the eject button.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Right, that's it. Benji, get in here right now.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- There's no need for this. Dad's not on trial.- Exactly. I object.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Overruled.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Benji,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12do you remember that bad word you said to Anna?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- Yes, it was... BOTH:- No!
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Don't say it.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Just tell us again where you heard it first.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Grandpops said it.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Will the defendant please rise?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Oh, sorry.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26You're already stood up.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Not that grandpops.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32That grandpops.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39But that's not Grandpops.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40That's Grandad.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Charlie told me we were supposed to call them both Grandpops
0:19:43 > 0:19:44from now on.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46No, that's only Grandad Frank.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Oh. My bad.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Hang on a minute. Grandad Geoffrey didn't even baby-sit last week.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55It wasn't last week I heard him say the word.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56It was another time.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58We were at his house and he was on the phone.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- Can I go into the garden now?- Yes.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Can I come?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Can I just say...? I agree with every word that Lucy's saying.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15I think that swearing is a terrible thing to do around young kiddies.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Obviously there's been some mistake.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Geoffrey doesn't use language like that.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Sorry, Wendy, are you calling my grandson a liar?- Dad?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26How am I supposed to keep track of every word I say?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Oh, so you eff and jeff all the time, do you, Effy Geoffy?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Dad, did you swear in front of Benji, yes or no?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36You never gave me multiple choice.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Well, now you come to mention it, there was a...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41a terse phone call I made to the golf club
0:20:41 > 0:20:44about them changing my seating arrangements at the dinner.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I did use some rather brisk language.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I thought the children were out of earshot in the other room.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Oh, never an excuse, Geoffrey, ever.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59Frank, I am so very, very sorry for accusing you, and so's my dad.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05Is he? I must have missed that. Could you repeat it, Geoffrey?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Dad?
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Believe me, I really do wish this hadn't happened.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Still waiting.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Go on, Geoffrey.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Frank...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I'm sorry for any distress I might have caused.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I only hope it's offset by the immense self-satisfaction
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I can see plastered all over your face
0:21:26 > 0:21:30now that you're experiencing the novelty of the moral high ground.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Well, I'd take that, Dad. It's as good as you're going to get.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Well, I'm glad we got all that sorted out.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Maybe we should have a clearer system from now on.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42You should be Grandad G and you should be Grandad F.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Oh, I think he should be Grandad F.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Anyway, can we put it all behind us and just move on?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Oh, hang on! Is that it?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Well, I've said sorry. I can't keep saying it.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55No, I don't mean that.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58When we thought my dad had sworn, we had to have a crisis meeting.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Well, we should have one now with your dad.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Are you serious? - Oh, I'm deadly serious.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05OK, then. Fine.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Dad...follow me.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- There. Done it. - You didn't say anything.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21No, and neither did you to your dad at the coffee shop.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Did you find that acceptable?- No.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Well, I don't find this acceptable.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28You've got 'em, son. They're on the ropes.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Look, this is all nonsense. My dad's apologised.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Nobody owes anybody else any more apologies.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Is that right? - Oh, for God's sake, Mum.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- I'm sorry that you were second-choice baby-sitter.- Third.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43And I am sorry that I accused your dad.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Now, can we all just move on, please?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Father?- I'm a reasonable man.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52And do you promise to bring this up in the future at every opportunity?
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Of course.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Then consider the matter dropped.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Good.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Now, I'm sorry to rush things along, but any minute now,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Anna and Toby are going to land in our garden
0:23:02 > 0:23:05in an easyJet plane from Barcelona to take us out for tapas,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08so if you don't mind, Frank, we'll see you later?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11What are you talking about? I'm not leaving.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I'm baby-sitting.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Wendy and Geoffrey are the ones who are leaving.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Frank, Mum and Dad are baby-sitting tonight.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Yes, but that was before we knew your father had a pottymouth.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Yeah, and it was my dad that was asked first, remember?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh, I remember.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28But then we cancelled him.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Yes, because we thought he'd used bad language,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33but now we know it was your dad that swore, we should cancel him.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Exactly. Who knows what other filth they might have heard?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I'm beginning to wonder whether the full scale of these horrors
0:23:40 > 0:23:42will ever be understood.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Well, there's a simple solution. Lucy, who do you want to baby-sit?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Sorry, do I get a vote? I'm 18 now.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Well, I'm not leaving. I never swore.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Fair point.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Me and Wendy will snuggle down on the settee and do it together.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Come on, Lucy, who do you want to baby-sit?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Well, I... - They're our grandchildren, Lucy.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- They're my grandchildren, too. - Come off it.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07For years, your feckless behaviour has meant that you've come and gone,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09whereas Wendy and I have been hands-on grandparents from the start.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Keep pushing me, I'll show you hands-on.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Oh, here it comes, the full Coronation Street.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I've a good mind to come over there and wash your mouth out with soap.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20What, and risk getting some of it on your hands?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I've no need to listen to this.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I quite agree. Off you go.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Buenas noches, amigos.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32You can stop that nonsense.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36I know you're not really in Spain, you liar.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Don't criticise my husband like that.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Yeah. Let Anna show you how to do it properly.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Thanks to your foul mouth and your filthy-mouthed grandchild,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50my Jack is running around cursing like a scaffolder.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Don't you talk about my grandson like that.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54You may think of yourself as all high and mighty
0:24:54 > 0:24:56because you've gone up in the baby-sitting pecking order,
0:24:56 > 0:24:57but he's still my flesh and blood.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Yeah, don't start having a go at my son.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Oh, yeah, but it's all right for people to have a go at your father?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05That's different. You're big enough and ugly enough to look after yourself.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Well, ugly enough.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I knew it wouldn't be long before they turned on each other.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Like father, like son. - Oh, that's rich,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14coming from a man who screams obscenities at little kiddies.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16For goodness' sake, you silly little man!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18He was on the phone to the golf club.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20So you say, but for all we know,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22he could have been on a loudspeaker on the phone
0:25:22 > 0:25:24to a premium-rate sex line.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I've just about had enough of this.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Oh, yeah? You want to get it on?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- Oh, will you all just shut the- BLEEP- up?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- You're all a bunch of- BLEEP- idiots.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- You're a pompous- BLEEP- hole.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- You're always out for a- BLEEP- fight with everyone you meet,
0:25:46 > 0:25:47- you silly- BLEEP.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- You're a stupidly oversensitive - BLEEP- head.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- You're a stuck-up- BLEEP. - You're a lying- BLEEP.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- And if you'd had a- BLEEP - with this- BLEEP- in the first place,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- we wouldn't be in this- BLEEP- of a- BLEEP- mess.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Well, I've had en-- BLEEP- -ough.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- None of you- BLEEP - can- BLEEP- baby-sit!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Mummy, what's a- BLEEP?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I'm a terrible mother.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Have you finished that word?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Feel free to try and comfort me at any point.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Look...like I've been trying to tell you all week,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49it is possible to accidentally swear in front of the children
0:26:49 > 0:26:51without it making you a bad person.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53The kids will have forgotten about it by tomorrow.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57All right, by next week.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59All right, if they're still in therapy when they're 18,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01we'll say it wasn't you, it was their real mother.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Well, whatever happens,
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I'm going to make sure the kids don't hear any more swearwords.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10To be fair, I don't think there are any more swearwords.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Now I've just got to make it up to everyone I insulted.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Well...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I'm one of the people you insulted.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Maybe you should make it up to me.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Is that right? And how am I supposed to do that?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Well, use your imagination.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Which, as it turns out, is a lot filthier than I ever thought.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35How about I just take us for a nice meal out?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37You know, just the two of us.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Well, you could, but who are you going to ask to baby-sit?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44All right, you win.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# We're not going out
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# Not staying in
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# We're not going out
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# We are not going out. #