0:00:06 > 0:00:09Time to destination - two hours.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11And for those of you on your travels this weekend,
0:00:11 > 0:00:15a piece of Mozart to get your holiday off to a relaxing start.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19SOFT PIANO MUSIC
0:00:19 > 0:00:23CHILDREN SHOUTING
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Don't push, don't push.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Head, shoulders, knees and toes... #
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Everyone, I'm hanging up Mummy's wedding outfit.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Please do not get it dirty.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Can't see out the window. Hang it over Molly's side.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Hang it over Benji's side.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Any more arguing, and me and Daddy will go to France
0:00:38 > 0:00:41and leave you in the house on your own. Is that what you want?
0:00:41 > 0:00:42- ALL:- Yeah!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Mummy, you haven't strapped me in yet.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Any chance of some help, Lee?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49And holiday over.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55# We're not going out
0:00:55 > 0:00:57# Not staying in
0:00:57 > 0:00:59# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:00:59 > 0:01:02# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:01:02 > 0:01:05# We're not going out
0:01:05 > 0:01:09# We are not going out. #
0:01:12 > 0:01:16# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes
0:01:16 > 0:01:19# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes
0:01:19 > 0:01:23# And eyes and ears and mouth and nose
0:01:23 > 0:01:27# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. #
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Again!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32# Head, shoulders, knees and... #
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Oh, we love that song.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36That's not a song. It's Hannibal Lecter's shopping list.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38METRONOME
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Oh, great, you let him bring his sound-effects box.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Just what a long journey with kids needs -
0:01:42 > 0:01:44some spare noise in case of awkward silences.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45SINISTER LAUGH
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Keeps them quiet.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48SINISTER LAUGH CONTINUES
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Yeah, it's doing an excellent job(!)
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Why are you being such an old misery guts?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Because you made me spend the last half-hour strapping
0:01:54 > 0:01:56those bikes to the roof. What have you been doing?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Packing my clothes, packing your clothes,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00packing the kids' clothes, wrapping my cousin's wedding present,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03putting everything in the boot, bathing the kids, feeding the kids,
0:02:03 > 0:02:05getting the travel mattresses down from the loft,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08finding all the passports...
0:02:08 > 0:02:09All right, one-all.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12I'm bored.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Why don't we play I Spy?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Hurray!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Not I Spy. The twins are too young.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20We spent the whole journey to the Cotswolds trying to think of
0:02:20 > 0:02:22words beginning with the number three.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I spy with my little eye something beginning with B.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27B for boring.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29You can't spy an adjective, Charlie.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32It's best he learns.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Oh, I agree. I just can't believe you know what an adjective is.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45How long to the ferry?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Two hours. - How long is two hours?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49About an hour.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I don't want it to be an hour.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- All right, half an hour. - How long is that?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- About ten minutes. - Hurray!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Are you sure we're going to get there on time?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Fine. Sat nav says we're arriving at 6:30.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Last check-in isn't until 7:15.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- How do you know? - I read it on the website.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11"All vehicles under 1.85 metres must check in by 7:15 at the latest."
0:03:11 > 0:03:13But we're way over that.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17No, we're not. This vehicle is only about 1.6 metres high.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19But what about the bikes on the roof?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22They don't count the bikes towards the height of the vehicle.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Course they do.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26No, they don't. If I was wearing a top hat,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28that wouldn't make me six foot six, would it?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31No, but you wouldn't wear it through a doorway that said
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- maximum height six foot, would you? - I could duck.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Oh, great(!) Well, when we get to the ferry,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37just set the roof rack to duck, and we'll be fine.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39So what if they do count the bikes?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41What time is the latest check-in for the higher vehicles?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I didn't read that bit, did I? I'm not Eddie Stobart.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Oh, great(!) I'm phoning the ferry company and checking.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49SINISTER LAUGH
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Does that make any other noises, Charlie?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52PIERCING SHRIEK
0:03:52 > 0:03:57Nobody is guessing! Something beginning with B!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I know - is it big bag of blackcurrant berry-tastic
0:04:00 > 0:04:02blood sugar-boosting bon-bons?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Hurray! - Yeah!
0:04:04 > 0:04:05What are you giving them sweets for?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Keep them quiet whilst we make this call.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Oh, yeah, because nothing keeps a child calm quite like a Haribo(!)
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Should have bought the Sunny Delight,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14then we really could have had some peace.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- Just one each.- And don't drop any. - Yeah, be careful.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Last time I dropped a jelly ring, I knelt down to pick it up,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22ended up accidentally proposing to your mother.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Welcome to Channel Ferries.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Please use your keypad to type your ten-digit booking reference,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30or, if you are a premium ticket holder,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33press star now to be put straight through to an operator.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34You did book premium, didn't you?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37No chance. Not paying an extra 100 quid just for
0:04:37 > 0:04:39a cup of tea and some thicker toilet paper.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41And for a fully supervised kids' play section
0:04:41 > 0:04:43with the chance to meet Peppa Pig.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46For that money, I'd want the chance to roast Peppa Pig on a spit.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Thank you. Please hold.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51And with premium tickets you get access to the lounge,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54but instead we're going to be hanging around the docks.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Yeah, that's right, hanging round the docks, surrounded by
0:04:56 > 0:04:58prostitutes and one-eyed sailors playing the accordion.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Er, what's an accordion?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- It's a musical instrument, sweetheart.- Oh.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Why didn't he ask what a prostitute was?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08WOLF HOWLS
0:05:08 > 0:05:10SINISTER LAUGH
0:05:10 > 0:05:11PIERCING SHRIEK
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Has it been two hours?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Something beginning with B!
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Bird.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I can't see a bird, stupid.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19GUNSHOT
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Yeah, I just shot it.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22MORE GUNSHOTS
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Who wants to play on Daddy's phone?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- BOTH:- Me!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Lee! Don't want them just staring at a screen
0:05:27 > 0:05:28and playing games all journey.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Mummy? - Yes, sweetheart?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32What's a prostitute?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Take turns and don't drop it.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39And don't Google what a prostitute is.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43When we get through, let me do the talking.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Why?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Because I made the booking. Besides, they'll put us through
0:05:47 > 0:05:49to some thicko who doesn't know what he's doing.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I can see why that's your department.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Hello. Channel Ferries. George speaking.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Daddy said you're a thicko.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I don't know who said that. Haven't got kids.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Really? According to the details on your booking, sir,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03you've got three children.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Well, I didn't have before you put me on hold.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Apologies about the delay, sir.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09What can I do for you today?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Right. What it is, is this -
0:06:11 > 0:06:15we are driving in a vehicle that is under 1.85 metres.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- OK. - And my question is this -
0:06:18 > 0:06:19if we've got three bikes on the roof,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21does that make the vehicle higher?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Hello?
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Sorry, I'm still here. I'm not sure I understand your question.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Well, it's fairly straightforward.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Well, yes, but it's so straightforward,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I'm assuming I'm not properly following you.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Could you just answer the question, please?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43You're asking me if you take your vehicle and attach
0:06:43 > 0:06:48three other vehicles to the top of it, will that make it higher?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Yes.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Why do you keep pausing?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Sorry, I'm just wondering if it's a trick question.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58It's not a trick question.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02OK. Well, then, yes, sir, it does make it higher.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03See, I told you.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06But the actual vehicle ITSELF isn't higher, is it?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Of course the vehicle itself is still the same height, but the
0:07:09 > 0:07:13restrictions of what it can drive under obviously then change,
0:07:13 > 0:07:18so therefore, the overall height of your vehicle has changed.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21But if I was wearing a top hat, it wouldn't make me six foot six,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- would it?- We have no restrictions on headgear, sir.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27You're completely free to wear whatever you like on the ferry.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28I'm just making a point.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I'm not actually wearing a top hat, otherwise I wouldn't fit in the car.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35And you've rather elegantly made my point by saying so, sir.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39So you're saying that we are over 1.85 metres?
0:07:39 > 0:07:46Yes, unless they're very, very tiny bicycles, or extremely heavy ones.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Did I pay extra for the jokes?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Oh, I doubt it.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- So, what time is final check-in? - As an oversize vehicle,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55it's half an hour earlier than regulation vehicles,
0:07:55 > 0:07:59so 6:45pm at the absolute latest.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01But that only gives us 15 minutes to spare.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Is there anything else I can help you with?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06What do you mean, anything else? You didn't help us with THIS.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08OK. Well, you have a nice journey, sir.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- Yeah, we won't. - Goodbye, sir.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Yeah, see you. Oh, and one other thing, George.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Yes, sir?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- I did call you a thicko. - Well, if you...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Thank goodness I let you do the talking(!)
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Keep guessing, Mummy. It begins with B.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Bird-brain, buffoon, butthead. - Don't start.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26This is your fault for making me strap those bikes to the roof.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Who the hell takes bikes to a wedding?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31It's for the day after the wedding, and it's what people do in France.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Yeah, you can't move for all the French on bicycles with
0:08:33 > 0:08:36strings of onions round their necks, wearing stripy T-shirts,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39eating croissants and cheating on their wives with snails.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43What kind of person gets married in France, anyway?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46The kind of person who marries a Frenchman.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Well, what kind of person marries a Frenchman?
0:08:47 > 0:08:51I don't know, the kind of person who likes nice cheese and good sex.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Well, I've always thought a quickie and a Dairylea triangle
0:08:53 > 0:08:54are very underrated.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58We cannot miss this ferry.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Perhaps you should get on the roof and start pedalling.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Mummy, I feel sick.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Benji's eaten them all.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08I said one each.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I thought you meant one PACKET each.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Hang on.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15If we take this exit in 100 yards, I think there's a short cut.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16We'll avoid the traffic.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18But the sat nav is saying stay on this road,
0:09:18 > 0:09:19and they factor in the traffic.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- This one doesn't. - Why not?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23You had to pay extra for that.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24PIERCING SHRIEK
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Don't tell me - was it described as the premium service?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30METRONOME
0:09:30 > 0:09:3150 yards to this turn-off.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Don't take the exit. - It'll be quicker.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36The sat nav says we're going to get there with 15 minutes to spare.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Just stay on this road.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39What if the traffic doesn't clear?
0:09:41 > 0:09:4320 yards.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I think it IS clearing. Don't do it.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Ten yards.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Stay on this road, Lee. Don't take the exit.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52OK.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Really need to catch this ferry.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57I'm taking the exit.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Noooooo!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04See, we're moving much faster now.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Yeah, perfect(!) Shame we're heading in completely the wrong direction.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Says who?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Make a U-turn where possible.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Was that directions or marriage counselling?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Are we there yet?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- No. - I'm bored.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Stop moaning or we're turning this car right round.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19That's what we want you to do.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22The sat nav hasn't reconfigured yet. It doesn't know what I'm up to.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24No-one knows what you're up to.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Don't worry. There's a turning up here.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Turn back now.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Make a U-turn where possible.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Here it is.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33This is a field, you moron!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Is this France?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40SINISTER LAUGH
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Don't suppose you fancy giving us a push, do you?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Yeah, but let's get out of this field first.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I'll do it when we get to the harbour.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- Maybe I'll do the pushing. - Good idea.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00If I get out now, I might start running and never stop.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Push harder!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10You reverse harder.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I don't want to get mud all over you.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Just rev it, it's going nowhere near me.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Oh, great(!)
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Make a U-turn where possible.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37That sat nav will kick in in a minute.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39What was wrong with good old-fashioned maps?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Well, there's one in the side pocket
0:11:41 > 0:11:43if you're feeling confident, Catweazle.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46This is of Inverness and the Scottish Highlands.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Well, don't worry. Keep driving for a bit.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50It'll probably come in useful.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52If we miss this ferry, it'll be your fault.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Well, don't worry, Miss Perfect.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55If we miss the ferry, you can just walk across the water.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Keep guessing, Mummy. It begins with B.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Still feel sick.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01SINISTER LAUGH
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Is it bath? B for bath?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Stop being silly. Mummy, tell him.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Stop arguing in the back.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Stop arguing in the front.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Hang on, look. The sat nav's reconfiguring.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I really feel sick.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Just try and think of something else, Benji.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Yeah, think about what great fun you'll have on the ferry,
0:12:18 > 0:12:20bobbing about on the ocean waves.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21BENJI MOANS
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Actually, stop thinking about that. It'll be very calm.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- You'll have lots of fun. - Is there a play area?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Yes, in premium, but Daddy didn't pay for that.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Maybe you can stand outside and watch the other children playing.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Oh, Daddy, it's not fair.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Well done. Tell them about the time I shot the puppy.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I really don't feel well.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- Can you slow down on the bends? - You're making him worse.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Continue straight ahead for half a mile.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48There you go. Told you. It's reconfigured.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49FANFARE
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Who's the daddy? Daddy's the daddy.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Lee. - What?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57The sat nav says we're going to get there at ten to seven.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Your short cut means we're going to miss the last check-in.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02PIERCING SHRIEK
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Don't worry. I can still get us there.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- I can make up the time. - Oh, it's fine, kids.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Daddy knows a wormhole in the fabric of space and time.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- ALL:- Hurray!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Oh, Mummy, I'm not well.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Maybe we should stop.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Slow down, speed up, stop - this is like when we're in bed.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19I feel sick.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Yeah, that one rings a bell, too.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Keep guessing, Mummy. Something that begins with B.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30Blood, bones, bandages, brutally bludgeoned brain, bashing, burial.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I can't see those things.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Keep watching, darling.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Stop the car.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Look, Benji, do you FEEL sick or are you actually going to BE sick?
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Benji?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42VOMITING
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Please tell me that was a sound effect.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Mummy, it went all over me.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Oh, God.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50It's OK, sweetheart.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Is that it, Benji, or is there any more?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53VOMITING
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Thanks for that, Lee.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58At least he missed your wedding outfit.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59I am thrilled to be doing this journey
0:13:59 > 0:14:02with someone who's so upbeat.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Any more, Benji?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Don't keep encouraging him. Stop the car.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I can't stop the car.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Oh, I'm sorry, Keanu Reeves,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I forgot we were in the middle of a remake of Speed.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14We have to make up time, not lose it.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You have to stop! The smell is unbearable.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17I'll open the window.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19CHILDREN SCREAM
0:14:19 > 0:14:20It's freezing!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Well, you've got a choice - to be freezing cold or the smell of vomit.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26If that doesn't sum up marriage, I don't know what does.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Close it.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Stop the car.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33We can't stop the car cos we'll miss the ferry, and you can't
0:14:33 > 0:14:36miss the ferry cos you'll miss your cousin's wedding, remember?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37I wish I'd missed ours.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Shall I stop the car, then?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40No, just carry on.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I'll see if I can hold my breath for the next ten miles.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Maybe I will slow down, then.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49We'll clean up once we've checked in. We'll find a bathroom.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I'll tell you where they have nice bathrooms.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Don't tell me. Is it by any chance the premium lounge?
0:14:54 > 0:14:55- Yes, it bloody is. - It's a waste of money.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I'll tell you what's a waste of money -
0:14:57 > 0:14:59buying five tickets to France, then missing the ferry to go
0:14:59 > 0:15:01on a magical mystery tour of rural England.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03All right. We're all in the same boat.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05No, we're not. That's the problem.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Oh, great(!) Now the sat nav says we've lost two more minutes.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- I don't believe this. - Oh, well, don't worry.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13When you divorce me, you can get on the ferry on your own
0:15:13 > 0:15:15as much as you like with your precious bikes.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17That's it.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19What, have you got your lawyer on speed dial?
0:15:19 > 0:15:23We phone Channel Ferries again and book you in as a foot passenger.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Then when we get there, you take the bikes off the roof
0:15:25 > 0:15:27and wheel them on, and I'll drive the car on, which will now be less
0:15:27 > 0:15:31than 1.85 metres high, so we're all eligible for the later check-in.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33So instead of being... seven minutes late,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36we're now going to be... eight minutes early.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I wondered how long it'd take you to work that out.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Welcome to Channel Ferries.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Please use your keypad to type your ten-digit booking reference,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48or, if you are a premium ticket hol...
0:15:51 > 0:15:53So why do I have to be the one that looks like a lunatic,
0:15:53 > 0:15:54wheeling three bikes on by meself?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I'm going to look like me family have disowned me.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Well, it'll be good practice.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00And now we've got extra time, we can stop and clean up this mess.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03We're not even thinking about stopping until I've spoken to them
0:16:03 > 0:16:04and I know we can change it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07You're not speaking to them again. What if it's the same person?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09It's not going to be the same person, is it?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Hello. Channel Ferries. George speaking.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12How may I help you?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- Hello again, George. - Oh, it's you again, sir.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Let me guess - you've called to ask
0:16:18 > 0:16:21whether your wing mirrors count towards the width of the car.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Look, about earlier... - We do have a strict policy
0:16:25 > 0:16:29of not tolerating abuse towards our staff, sir.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I can't apologise enough.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33True, but you could make a start.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I'm sorry. I am really sorry.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Good, because we treat these issues very seriously.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42And so do I.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45FARTING SOUND EFFECT
0:16:45 > 0:16:47So, how may I help you this time, sir?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Right, what it is, is this, George -
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I would like to change one of our adult tickets to
0:16:52 > 0:16:55a foot passenger ticket carrying on three bikes.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Please.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Would that be possible, George?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Of course. We strive to be as flexible as possible.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Oh, that is wonderful. Thank you very much indeed.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I can book you on for next Wednesday at 3pm.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15What about tonight?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Tonight we're fully booked, sir.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19PIERCING SHRIEK
0:17:19 > 0:17:20But the thing is,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I'm not actually asking you to book an extra passenger, am I?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25It's the same amount of passengers - I just won't be in the car.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I understand, sir,
0:17:27 > 0:17:31but once the system is full, it won't accept any new bookings.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Must be something you can do.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I'm afraid not.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Oh, I'm sure there is.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38What do you suggest I do, sir?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Well, seeing as you're so flexible,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42maybe you could take your ferry and stick it up your...
0:17:42 > 0:17:44PIERCING SHRIEK
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Like I said, sir, we don't tolerate abuse against our staff,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49so I'll say goodbye.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Wait, George, before you go, I want to apologise
0:17:51 > 0:17:55for my husband's attitude. I'm afraid he has a certain condition,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57which makes him socially awkward.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58He's a knobhead.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Yes, well, he is a little abrasive.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03You should try being married to him.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05That's a generous offer, madam,
0:18:05 > 0:18:09but I feel I've spent more than my fair share of time with him already.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Oh, George, what are you like?
0:18:10 > 0:18:15Well, you don't have to be crazy to do my job, but it helps.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Sounds like my marriage.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19At least I get to clock off in the evening.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Oh, George. You know what? I like you.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- You're funny. - Thank you.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I'm not changing your booking.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Look - please, George, I'm begging you.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34My husband is a stupid, rude idiot, and I'm sorry, OK?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37But if we don't get a later check-in, we might miss this ferry,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39and I am maid of honour at my cousin's wedding.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41If you could find it in your heart to help us,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I would be eternally grateful.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49The power to change our lives is in your hands.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Please, George, help us. You're our only hope.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Well, there might be one thing I could try.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Anything. You can even put my husband
0:19:03 > 0:19:05in the hold with the bikes, if you like, George.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Why not just put a rubber ring round me and tow me along behind the boat?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Is that a possibility, George?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13If you cancelled your existing booking,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16that would release five tickets back into the system.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19You could then re-book them as one party of four
0:19:19 > 0:19:21and one foot passenger.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23That's a brilliant idea.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- How come I was never offered that option?- Sorry, sir,
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I was too busy tolerating abuse to think creatively.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I should warn you, though - once your original tickets are
0:19:33 > 0:19:38cancelled, there's no 100% guarantee that you'll be able to re-book them.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39What?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43We always have lots of people waiting on standby at the terminal.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46What, so you're saying we could lose our tickets altogether?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Unless you re-book very quickly.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50And if we do re-book quickly?
0:19:50 > 0:19:51You'll probably be fine.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Probably. - Yes, probably.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I don't like that word.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57What word would you like?
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- "Definitely." - OK, you'll definitely
0:20:01 > 0:20:03be probably fine.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Are you deliberately trying to wind me up?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08No, sir, but given your previous attitude,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a pleasing side effect.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14OK, let's do it.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Oh, God.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17So you're ready to cancel?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- And re-book. - Yes, we are.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22As soon as you say to me the word "cancel", I am going to
0:20:22 > 0:20:27press this button, and that's it - your original booking will be lost.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28OK.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30There's no going back at that point.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I understand.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Are you quite sure you want me to do this?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Sorry, am I talking to Chris Tarrant here?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Yes, we are ready.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43OK. Whenever you're ready,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46say the word "cancel", and I'll cancel the booking.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50BOTH: Cancel.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Hello? George?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56DISTORTED SPEECH
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Oh, God. The signal's gone.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Quick, Charlie, pass me my phone.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- It's stopped working. - What?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03The battery's gone.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Is it B for battery? - No!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Why the hell did you let him play with it?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09It's not fair. I want to play with the phone.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Don't worry.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13If you want to see an angry bird, just keep looking at your mother.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19For the love of God, will somebody guess it?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Breakdown. Mental bloody breakdown.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I still feel sick.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Just get me to some phone reception, quick.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Can we all have a nice little singsong and stop shouting, please?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- HEAD, SHOULDERS KNEES AND TOES PLAYS - B, B, B, B, B.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Bridge. - No, guess again.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Why the hell could you not just have read the booking form properly?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I wish I'd read the terms and conditions on our
0:21:37 > 0:21:40marriage certificate properly. "If you are happy to spend
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"the rest of your life being blamed for everything, please tick here."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Begins with B! - Bridge!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- You just said that. - Bridge!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Mummy, he's trying to annoy me.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52That's because all men are hideous.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Bridge! - Stop it, Charlie. It's not bridge!
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Can we all stop shouting, please?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- Bridge! - She just said it's not bridge!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I feel sick!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- But, Daddy! - Yes, Charlie, what is it?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Bridge!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Is everyone all right?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- ALL:- Yes.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Sorry. What is it you wanted to say, Charlie?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I think we're going to crash into that bridge.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Thanks, son.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Tell you what - it's a lot easier
0:22:29 > 0:22:33getting those bikes off the roof than it is putting them on.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35At least we're lower than 1.85 metres now.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Shame we cancelled that booking.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Unless the phone cut out before he heard us say it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46What?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Well, we don't know exactly when the phone cut out.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52It's possible he didn't hear us say "cancel".
0:22:54 > 0:22:57That means we might still be booked on the ferry.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00And that we have an extra 15 minutes to get there,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02because we're now a low vehicle.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05What time would that make last check-in?
0:23:05 > 0:23:077:15.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Charlie, what time does it say we're going to get there on the sat nav?
0:23:11 > 0:23:137:15.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16BOTH: Back in the car!
0:23:33 > 0:23:37- ALL SHOUTING:- Wait! Wait! Wait! - HORN BEEPING
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Stop! Stop, please!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52We're here. Let us on.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53What is that smell?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54It's a new fragrance from L'Oreal.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56It's called having kids.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01Well, I'm sorry. Check-in's closed. Ferry's ready to depart.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Well, it hasn't departed, has it? You can let us on.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Sorry, nothing I can do.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Please.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16I know I stink of sick and it looks like we've ram-raided Halfords,
0:24:16 > 0:24:21but we are nice people and we have been through hell to get here.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24No British person has ever fought harder to get to Cherbourg,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27and, yes, I include 1944 in that.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29At least during Operation Overlord, the Allies didn't have to
0:24:29 > 0:24:32sing Head, Shoulders, Knees And Toes.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Please. I have to get to my cousin's wedding.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I have to see the start of a marriage -
0:24:40 > 0:24:43the happy bit, with cake and dancing.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Please!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50OK, OK.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55If you promise to let go of me, I'm sure I can sneak one more on.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57(Thank you.)
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Booking reference?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Well, here's the interesting thing.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09You see, a few miles back, we sort of phoned and cancelled the booking,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12although we might not have done, in which case we want to keep it.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16But if we have cancelled it, we want to make it un-cancelled.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Well, you're either booked on or you're not,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24and if you're not, then you're not getting on.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Looking forward to reading this novel when you've finished it.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- Here we are. - METRONOME
0:25:41 > 0:25:45I can confirm, in fact...
0:25:51 > 0:25:52..you're still booked on.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54BOTH: Yes!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55CHILDREN CHEER
0:25:55 > 0:25:56See, I told you.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59The phone must have cut off and he didn't hear us say "cancel".
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Oh, no, he must have definitely heard you say it,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04cos there's a note here from an operator called George,
0:26:04 > 0:26:08saying he tried to cancel it, but the system wouldn't let him.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Why not?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Well, he obviously didn't realise the rules.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Last-minute cancellations are for premium passengers only.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Which we are not.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Just drive.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31We made it! Three cheers for Daddy's driving.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Hip-hip...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34VOMITING
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Great(!) All over my wedding outfit.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39So that's a new dress AND new bikes we have to buy.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Hang on. Molly,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44it's not B for bikes, is it?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Yeah, Daddy wins!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# We're not going out
0:26:52 > 0:26:53# Not staying in
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# We're not going out
0:27:02 > 0:27:06# We are not going out. #