0:00:02 > 0:00:04# We're not going out
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Not staying in
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# We're not going out
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# We are not going out. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Charlie's got his school report.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26It's brilliant.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Shouldn't I be the one getting the kiss?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31We're switching things around this year.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33You get put in a box and stored in the attic.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36With the others(!)
0:00:38 > 0:00:40A. A. A.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42He's got the Scouse hat trick.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Hang on, what's this?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46"Miss Anstis, English, C."
0:00:46 > 0:00:48We don't want all As, do we?
0:00:48 > 0:00:52We don't want to have to start doing a paternity test.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53"Despite reasonable grades,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56"I am concerned that Charlie is in danger of becoming the class clown."
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Oh, ignore her. Miss Anstis is a bit...uptight.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- We need to go and see her, find out what Charlie has been up to.- We?
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Schooling is usually my thing,
0:01:04 > 0:01:08like getting rid of spiders and keeping the kids alive.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09I get involved in school stuff.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I helped raise money with that cake stall.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Helping is baking and selling, not buying and eating.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- I'm not kidding, Lucy.- OK, fine.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20We'll go and pick up Charlie together tomorrow and go and see
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Miss Anstis, but I'm telling you now he's absolutely fine.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Tell me that when he's living under a bridge sniffing glue.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I just about tolerate those Haircut 100 albums,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32but will you please update your drug references?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I missed those little toilets.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh, bring back memories of school days?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47No, I mean literally missed them. It went everywhere.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Yeah, all right!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Have you tried to pee and crouch at the same time?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Yeah. I wonder what that must be like(!)
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Mum, I'm just going to see Izzy.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02BLOWS RASPBERRY AT HER
0:02:02 > 0:02:03That's sweet.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Yeah, and yet when I do that to women...
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Right, come on, we need to get to Florence Nightingale.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14The classrooms - they're all named after British historical figures.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17What happened to classrooms having numbers, and canes,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20and little piles of sawdust covering up sick?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Well, things have changed,
0:02:22 > 0:02:26which you'd have noticed if you were a bit more involved in school life.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27I am involved.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Excuse me, I'm looking for my son's teacher, Miss Anstis.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I am Miss Anstis.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Sorry, didn't recognise you without your...cakes.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- Wait here. No messing about.- OK.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- I was talking to Charlie.- Right.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:58I knew we shouldn't have touched that bottle that said "drink me".
0:02:59 > 0:03:01So, er, Charlie's school report?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I'm afraid Charlie does have a tendency
0:03:03 > 0:03:05to draw attention to himself.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Today, for example, he disrupted lessons by coughing.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Coughing?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13She means on purpose, Lucy. It's a classroom classic.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14They were doing that back in my day.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Back in your day they probably had TB.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Charlie was trying to make the class laugh.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22He does that sort of thing a lot.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Do you know what he called me last week instead of Miss Anstis?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Miss...Ant's Tits?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42No. He called me Morag.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Well, that's not nice. - That's my name.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Obviously he found out and decided to say it for silly, comic effect,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52and I think it's disrespectful.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Course it is, and just now when I said...
0:03:57 > 0:03:59..ant's tits.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Just because your name sounds like...
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Not saying you've got, you know... - Fingers on lips.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I've tried to explain to Charlie
0:04:06 > 0:04:08that it'll be him that suffers in the long run.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13Course it will, Miss AnSTIS.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16For instance, we're about to be visited by the children's author
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Johnny Lucas for a storytelling contest.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Each class selects a child to read a story.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25The winning school gets £1,000 worth of books
0:04:25 > 0:04:28and the winning child gets a trip to Legoland.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I was considering Charlie to read for our class.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Oh, that's great.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36As I say... WAS.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'm afraid Charlie's story just went for cheap laughs
0:04:38 > 0:04:41and was entirely inappropriate.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Perhaps I should read a little bit to you.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I must warn you, the language is very vivid
0:04:47 > 0:04:49and you may deem it unsuitable for a child.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Oh, well, at least he's written a warning.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59"'Hooray,' cried the little boy,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02"as the witch was bludgeoned to death when the woodsman smashed up
0:05:02 > 0:05:06"her stupid, ugly, smelly face that looked like a cow's bum."
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"Bludgeoned." That's a good word.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"Then the little boy took the woodsman's axe and chopped
0:05:16 > 0:05:20"the stupid witch's stinky, old, fat, blobby body up
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"and put her in the pot of boiling water."
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I blame Heston Blumenthal.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32"One by one he threw the bleeding body parts into the cauldron."
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Cauldron spelled with two Os.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"First he threw in her fat arms,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41"then he threw in her horrible hairy legs, then he threw in her
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"stinky, slimy intestines,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46"and her massively monstrous butt cheeks.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52"Then, finally, he threw in...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"her foo-foo."
0:06:00 > 0:06:03How many Os in foo-foo?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11OK, look, so his story was a bit rough around the edges,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13but he's seven. He's not TS Eliot.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I know he's not. I'm not an idiot.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17No-one expects him to be as good as her.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Didn't you hear it?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Chopping up her gizzards and cutting off her legs?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Who cares? She's a witch.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26It's not like he kidnapped the local choirgirl,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29put cigarettes out on her arms, then buried her in a shallow grave.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Where does Charlie get his dark side from?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Look, are you bothered that he's trying to be the class clown?
0:06:36 > 0:06:40What about the, you know, foo-foo?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43OK, maybe that was a bit silly,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46but it's our fault for teaching him such childish words.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Yeah, let's teach him some adult terms for it,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50then he can start doing stag dos(!)
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Half the world's got one, Lee.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Why is society so scared of it when we talk about it?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59The problem is we live in a patriarchal society.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- Bollocks.- See? You don't mind mentioning those.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14A Nancy?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16You are a doctor and you call it a Nancy?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22It's my parents' fault.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24They were a bit Victorian in their attitudes.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26As far as they were concerned, it was called a Nancy.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29It was a terrible thing full of teeth and monsters.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Still, at least I was prepared when I met Anna.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Bet you never mucked about at school, did you?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Oh, I wouldn't have dared.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41It was a boarding school.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Cold showers and ritual beatings.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Yeah, but look where it got you.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51Yeah, married to Anna - cold showers and ritual beatings.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58I mean, you've got a really good job. I bet your Jack toes the line.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00He'll end up doing a really important job,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04like Prime Minister or TV weatherman.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10You've got quite a limited idea of important jobs, haven't you?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Stop worrying. What's so wrong about being a bit of a class clown?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Because I don't want him to end up like...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Well, like me.- I thought you were proud of your background?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23School of hard knocks. Ferret and dripping for breakfast.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26O-levels in greyhound management.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I didn't get any O-levels, actually.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Whilst you were off to your fancy university,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34hobnobbing with the toffs, I went to work in a biscuit factory.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Well, you were sort of hobnobbing.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Look, why don't you sit down with Lucy and tell her in a calm
0:08:43 > 0:08:47and sensible way that you're worried that Charlie might end up like you?
0:08:47 > 0:08:52As soon as she imagines that apocalyptic scenario,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54she'll have to see sense.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59So what did you call a Nancy when you were growing up?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Well, I don't know about your other O-levels,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09but I can see why you failed biology.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20What's in the box?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I've been up in the attic to get some of my old school reports.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Can you come and sit next to me for a minute?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Why, is there a spider in there?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35This is the report I got when I was Charlie's age.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Read the summary on the final page.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41"Sooner or later Lee will learn that joking around will get him nowhere."
0:09:41 > 0:09:45So? We all went through a cheeky phase at school.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I sometimes used to use a blue pen instead of a black one.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53And this was two years later.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55"Lee is a mediocre student with a mediocre future.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58"I look forward to the day when his unamusing antics are
0:09:58 > 0:10:00"a burden to someone else."
0:10:00 > 0:10:03And this was when I was 15.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- This isn't a school report.- Exactly.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08It's my clocking-in card from the biscuit factory.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I wondered why it had jam on it.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12That's not jam.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17It's blood, from the wearing down of me fingers as I toiled for hours
0:10:17 > 0:10:19on a very tiny wage, in the brutal, harsh conditions
0:10:19 > 0:10:22of a Northern factory.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- It's jam, isn't it?- Yes, it's jam, but the point is...
0:10:26 > 0:10:30..I'd ruined any chance of a future all by the age of 15,
0:10:30 > 0:10:34just by mucking around and I do NOT want that to happen to Charlie.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35No.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Oh, maybe you're right.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- I think we should sit down and talk to him.- OK.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Charlie is always saying, "When I grow up I want to be like me dad."
0:10:47 > 0:10:50And I've told him, "Sorry, son, you can't do both."
0:10:57 > 0:10:59You're not in trouble, Charlie.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Course not.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04We just want to know why you're being silly at school.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Cos you're bored in class?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Is it because you like being funny?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14When she said class clown I didn't realise she meant Marcel Marceau.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Maybe you're mucking about because
0:11:16 > 0:11:19you want someone in particular to like you?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Izzy, maybe?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Mucking about is not how you impress girls, Charlie. Trust me.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You don't want to end up like...
0:11:31 > 0:11:35like a boy that was at my school.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39He was the class joker, until he got suspended.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Suspended?- What did he do? - Yeah, what did he do?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Well, this...boy...
0:11:47 > 0:11:52..was in science class and he was supposed to do a big presentation
0:11:52 > 0:11:56about...flammable gases.
0:11:57 > 0:12:03But instead of just reading out what he was supposed to read,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07he decided to muck about and do a sort of...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09practical experiment.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11What do you mean?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Well, it just so happens he had a Zippo lighter
0:12:14 > 0:12:16and a bellyful of baked beans.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20He lit his fart! That's SOOO cool!
0:12:20 > 0:12:25No, Charlie, it is not cool, especially given what happened.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26What?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Put it this way, there was more...
0:12:31 > 0:12:32..solid than gas.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Urgh!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Not cool.- Exactly.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41The point is, this kid, he had a lot of potential.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45He could have done so many things,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48but instead he ended up ruining his life
0:12:48 > 0:12:51and his trousers.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I'm sorry that happened to you, Dad.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58What? I'm not talking about me. It wasn't me.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Dad, I'm seven. I'm not a moron.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05You don't have to be embarrassed...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- ..just because you pooed your pants. - Please stop talking.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15The point is, there are other ways to impress girls,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18like being chosen to read a story to a famous author.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Look, we just want you to be happy, son, because we love you.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28OK, Dad, from now on I'm going to do my best to be good.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Good lad, Charlie.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37We've been married for quite a few years now,
0:13:37 > 0:13:41but what you did just then, what you told Charlie...
0:13:43 > 0:13:47..is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I was hoping to catch you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I'm not sure what it is you said to Charlie, but over the last few days
0:14:10 > 0:14:12he's shown a marked improvement in his behaviour.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16I even insisted he write a brand-new story, and I'm pleased to inform you
0:14:16 > 0:14:22that it contains no unnecessary language, or female genitalia.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Oh, well, there goes the Channel 4 deal.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29In fact, as a reward for such a turnaround in his behaviour,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I've selected Charlie as class representative to read
0:14:31 > 0:14:33to our visiting author.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Oh, my God! That's fantastic!
0:14:38 > 0:14:43Isabella Jenkins, young ladies do not lick boys' faces.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Yeah. Get him to buy you a drink first.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Izzy has got a new friend, Jake McKenzie.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57She thinks I'm boring now.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Well, she's not going to think that when she sees you on that stage
0:15:00 > 0:15:02reading a story to Johnny Lucas, is she?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04The new story isn't as funny as the other one.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I'm sure it's brilliant.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- In fact, why don't you read it to us now?- Yeah, good idea.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12It'll be like a rehearsal for the big day.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19"Once upon a time there was a little boy who met a witch and the
0:15:19 > 0:15:23"witch was very naughty, even though she knew it was wrong to be naughty.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"The little boy was very good and always helped his mother with
0:15:26 > 0:15:30"the dishes, never ate sweets or watched violent cartoons.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"One day the boy was walking through the woods...
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"...so the witch was told that for hygiene reasons she must
0:15:37 > 0:15:42"always wash her hands thoroughly, especially after using the bathroom,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45"so she washed them and also made sure not to splash water
0:15:45 > 0:15:47"on the floor when she dried her hands...
0:15:49 > 0:15:52"...and the witch and the woodsman got married and lived in the cottage
0:15:52 > 0:15:55"and she promised to never be naughty ever again
0:15:55 > 0:15:58"and they lived happily ever after. The end."
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I said, "The end."
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Oh, what a fantastic story, son.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08You don't think it's a bit...boring?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11No.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16- Izzy is going to think you are so cool.- OK, if you say so.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Right, who wants to watch YouTube videos of old people falling
0:16:19 > 0:16:21down escalators?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25No, it's OK. I'm going to tidy my room.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Oh, he's probably just a bit tired.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Funnily enough, I'm not.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Must have been that refreshing ten-minute nap I had
0:16:35 > 0:16:37during that story.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49PHONE RINGS
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Hello? - 'Where the hell are you?'
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- His reading starts in about ten minutes.- Anna's stuck in traffic.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58What do you want me to do, leave our five-year-old twins on their own?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01No, Lee, that was a rhetorical question.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- How's Charlie?- Moping around like Morrissey on Mogadon.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Look, I'll get there as soon as I can, OK? Bye.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12The twins let me in. I could have been anyone.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I could have been an axe murderer.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17You still might. Don't give up the dream.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Oh, Anna, look at this.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Lee wrote it when we first started going out properly.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25"Roses are red, violets are purples,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"If I give you a quid will you show me your nurples?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:34What are nurples?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You've got two of them.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38En-suite bathrooms?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Lee is so hard on himself, and on Charlie, but you know what?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47It was Lee's joking around all the time
0:17:47 > 0:17:50that made me like him in the first place.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Well, I didn't think it was his good looks, or his job
0:17:53 > 0:17:57or his taste in clothes or his breath.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01This is no fun if you don't join in.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I've got to go. Thanks, Anna.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10So immature.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Show starts in five minutes.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Just because this is extra-curriculum doesn't mean
0:18:21 > 0:18:23that I'll tolerate tardiness.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Is my story really good, Dad?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Course it is, son. You're going to take the roof off.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Like grandad did to that church
0:18:31 > 0:18:34when he got in trouble with the police?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Good luck, son.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Oops, busted. Want one?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48No, I'm all right, thanks. Never my thing.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I used to have a much more disgusting habit as a teenager
0:18:50 > 0:18:53but I'm down to ten-a-day now.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Johnny. Johnny Lucas.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Oh, right. The author.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59You looking forward to judging what the kids have written?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Honestly? Not really, no.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04No, these kids' stories are always so bloody boring.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Sometimes I think some of these teachers are just knocking
0:19:07 > 0:19:08all the fun out of them, you know?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10It's like the kids have lost the art of just being silly.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Yeah, but being silly doesn't get you anywhere, does it?
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Well, I don't know.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17It's all I've ever done, muck around, write silly stories.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Not done me any harm.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Even got me this - a key to a Bentley Continental.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Should write another book. You might get the actual car.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Oh, gotta go. Old Morag looks like a right ball-breaker, eh?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Oh, thank God. I've been thinking about Charlie.- Me too.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Being silly, it's not all bad, is it?- No.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42It's what attracted me to you in the first place, you know,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44the daft jokes.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Not the good looks and the charm, then?- See, that kind of thing.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Will all parents please take their seats now?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- Come on, then. Let's get this over with.- Hang on.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Our baby boy is about to go on stage and tell the most boring story
0:19:58 > 0:20:00since your mum thought she had shingles
0:20:00 > 0:20:02but it turned out to be the wicker chair.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04So, what can we do?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I know.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09If you're using the toilets again
0:20:09 > 0:20:12would you please be more careful this time?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Our caretaker was mopping for hours!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Mate, I'm looking for a classroom called, um...
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Oh, what's it called?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34You know, woman, nice to soldiers.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I want to say Joanna Lumley.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Oh, forget it.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Right, now, this is storytelling,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45and I want you to bring these stories to life,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47and you are the audience.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50So if you want to laugh, laugh. If you want to cry, cry.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53And, remember, one lucky little brat is going to get a free trip
0:20:53 > 0:20:56to Legoland, and that's not fair on the rest of you, is it, yeah?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58So if you don't like it, give 'em hell, yeah?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00HE CHUCKLES
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Just kidding, you know.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Just, er, let's try and keep it fairly sensible.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- Now, before we start, who'd like to hear a poem about poo?- Yeah!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Oh, God.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"'Zap, zap' went the alien warship,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25"as the space captain steered through the astro-belt.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"Would the alien fleet capture this heroic spaceman,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"torture him and kill him?"
0:21:30 > 0:21:32We can but hope.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Jake McKenzie?
0:22:08 > 0:22:13- CHILD READS ALOUD:- "Trapped in quicksand. Quick, grab that vine."
0:22:13 > 0:22:16(Charlie. Charlie.)
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Indoor voices!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Where did you get that?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26I just found it...in your desk.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Look, what if I Tippex over the foo-foo?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34My boy is about to walk out there and humiliate himself
0:22:34 > 0:22:38by telling a really, really boring story.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Charlie's a good kid.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44OK, sometimes he's a bit silly, but that's not always a bad thing.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Don't let him walk on that stage and make a fool of himself.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Please, I am begging you.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09I hope Ofsted downgrade you to "satisfactory".
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Now, next up we have Florence Nightingale class and it's Charlie.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:30"Once upon a time there was a little boy who met a witch and the witch
0:23:30 > 0:23:35"was very naughty, even though she knew it was wrong to be naughty."
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Boo!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Sorry.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43"The little boy was very good, and always helped his mother with
0:23:43 > 0:23:47"the dishes, and never ate sweets or watched violent cartoons."
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Boring!
0:23:50 > 0:23:54"One day the boy was walking through the woods and he met a woodsman."
0:23:54 > 0:23:57SLOW HANDCLAP
0:23:57 > 0:24:03"And the woodsman told the boy all about endangered wildlife
0:24:03 > 0:24:08"and about how certain flowers have gone extinct
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"and that people should start putting their litter in the bin."
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Get off!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Right, that's it.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30"They asked the witch if she wanted to be their friend
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"so they shouted over to the witch and said..."
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Hello, witchy, you manky grotbag of pig's wee!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38STUNNED SILENCE
0:24:43 > 0:24:45What are you doing here?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49What are you doing here, "Woodsman"?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54What are you doing here, Woodsman?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Don't you remember? The witch was full of useful advice.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00She said it's important to be a good little boy,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04but it's also important to be yourself and have a sense of humour.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07And the little boy thought, "Yes, the witch is right,"
0:25:07 > 0:25:11and so he asked his daddy to come on stage and cause trouble
0:25:11 > 0:25:14at the book reading the boy was doing at his school.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16(Finally, a bit of theatre.)
0:25:16 > 0:25:17And the dad said, "No chance.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20"I'm not getting on stage and making a fool of myself,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23"just so you can win a trip to Legoland
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"..and there's nothing you can do about it
0:25:26 > 0:25:30"even if you do know a witch with magical powers."
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Oh.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39And so the wicked witch waved her wand and said to the woodsman,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41"You're totally under my power."
0:25:41 > 0:25:43"Oh, no," said the woodsman,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45"I hope you're not going to make me do anything stupid."
0:25:45 > 0:25:49And then the wicked witch cast a spell on the woodsman
0:25:49 > 0:25:52and suddenly he was hopping about on one leg...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:25:59 > 0:26:01..which the woodsman found easy.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Not so easy when the witch made his trousers fall down.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10CHILDREN LAUGH
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Then the wicked, evil witch cast another spell
0:26:16 > 0:26:21and suddenly the woodsman was doing an impression of a chicken.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28And the woodsman reminded the boy that he had an axe
0:26:28 > 0:26:30so not to push it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35And then the witch made the woodsman...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38set fire to his fart.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Now this I've got see.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Ah, yes, but unfortunately the woodsman had nothing to use
0:26:49 > 0:26:52as a flame, so that idea was immediately abandoned.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Here you go, woodsman.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Oh, God!
0:27:22 > 0:27:26LOUD FART
0:27:29 > 0:27:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:42I think you may have just won yourself £1,000 worth
0:27:42 > 0:27:45of library books. Bravo!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48More!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51No.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Well, that was certainly a memorable performance,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05especially for Jake in the front row.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08I think you singed the poor boy's eyebrows.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Are you still sulking?
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I can't believe that Charlie is taking Izzy to Legoland and not me.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I helped him win, at the risk of blowing my own trumpet.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Still, they all lived happily ever after.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23The end.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Well done.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29It's important that he listens to his teachers, but we have to
0:28:29 > 0:28:32make sure we also don't forget he's a normal seven-year-old.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Exactly, and we have to let him act like one.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38CHARLIE GIGGLES
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Can you smell matches?
0:28:43 > 0:28:44- Charlie!- Charlie!
0:28:47 > 0:28:49# We're not going out
0:28:49 > 0:28:51# Not staying in
0:28:51 > 0:28:53# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
0:28:53 > 0:28:57# But there is no need to scream and shout
0:28:57 > 0:29:00# We're not going out
0:29:00 > 0:29:02# We are not going out. #