0:00:01 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:22There is an old rabbi who wants to try eating pork before he dies.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Being an Orthodox rabbi, he can't go ahead
0:00:25 > 0:00:28and eat pork in his community, so he decides to travel about 50 miles.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32On the restaurant menu there's a dish called suckling pig.
0:00:32 > 0:00:38So he orders the suckling pig, and they bring it out on a beautiful tray, with an apple in his mouth.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Just as he's about to take his first bite, in walks Goldberg, the president of his congregation.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Goldberg says "Rabbi, what are you eating?!"
0:00:46 > 0:00:48He says "Goldberg, can you believe this place?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51"I ordered a baked apple, and this is how they serve it to me!"
0:00:51 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:58A guy goes to his doctor, who says "Look, I don't know
0:00:58 > 0:01:02"how to tell you this, but you just have to stop masturbating."
0:01:02 > 0:01:03The guy says "why?"
0:01:03 > 0:01:05He says "so I can examine you!"
0:01:05 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:16A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew are walking through the desert,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18and it is so hot in this desert.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21And they are schlepping along, and trudging and trudging.
0:01:21 > 0:01:27And the Frenchman says "I am so tired, and I am thirsty and tired.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29"I must have some French wine."
0:01:29 > 0:01:32So the German's trudging,
0:01:32 > 0:01:37and he says "I am hot, I am tired, and I am thirsty.
0:01:37 > 0:01:43"I must have some good German beer."
0:01:43 > 0:01:48They walk a little further, and the Jewish guy says "Oy, am I tired, am I thirsty?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"I must, I must...
0:01:51 > 0:01:52"I must have diabetes!"
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:02:02So, Schmudel goes to the doctor, and he says "Doc, I got a problem.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07"I got seven kids, I don't want any more kids.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09"And I'd like to have a vasectomy.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13So the doctor says "You know how much it costs?" He says "No."
0:02:13 > 0:02:15He says "10,000."
0:02:15 > 0:02:17"10,000?! I can't afford that."
0:02:17 > 0:02:19"Here's what you do.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"Go get yourself a can of soda. Drink the soda,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25"go buy a firecracker.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27"You like the firecracker, you put it in the can,
0:02:27 > 0:02:31"and you put it to your ear and you count to 10."
0:02:31 > 0:02:34So Shmudel says "That's going to help me?" He says "Yeah."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37So he goes out and buys a can of soda, and drinks the soda,
0:02:37 > 0:02:41lights the firecracker, puts the firecracker in the can,
0:02:41 > 0:02:47puts the can to his ear, and he says "One, two, three, four, five..."
0:02:49 > 0:02:50.."Six, seven..."
0:02:50 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Thank you.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55APPLAUSE
0:02:57 > 0:03:02Sam Mandelbaum came home from work, and he finds his wife
0:03:02 > 0:03:05scantily dressed in front of the mirror, preening herself.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07When she sees him, she says
0:03:07 > 0:03:12"Oh, Sammy, I had the most wonderful report from Dr Goldstein today.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"He said I had the body of a 35-year-old,
0:03:14 > 0:03:20"I had the face of a 30-year-old, the hair of a 25-year-old."
0:03:20 > 0:03:24And Sam says "Yeah? What did he say about your big fat ass?"
0:03:24 > 0:03:28"Sam, we didn't talk about you, darling, at all!"
0:03:28 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Another couple, but they're friendly, is in a supermarket.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39She has a problem though - she steals. She's a kleptomaniac.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41She steals a can of fruit.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44She's taken before the magistrate.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45The magistrate says
0:03:45 > 0:03:50"Sarah, how could you do something like that. What did you take?"
0:03:50 > 0:03:53She says "Well, I just took one can of peaches."
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"Peaches you took. How many peaches?"
0:03:55 > 0:03:59She said "I think there were six peaches in the can."
0:03:59 > 0:04:04He says "Sarah, you are going to go to jail for six nights.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"That's it, it's final."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08She said, "Oh my God."
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Her husband stands up and says -
0:04:09 > 0:04:12"Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas..."
0:04:12 > 0:04:15APPLAUSE
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Sybie, who is almost 90 years old,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21weighs maybe 100 pounds soaking wet,
0:04:21 > 0:04:26walks up behind the head lumberjack, taps him on the shoulder,
0:04:26 > 0:04:31and says "excuse me, but I'd like a job chopping down trees."
0:04:31 > 0:04:35The lumberjack, 6 foot 4, 275 pounds of muscle,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39turns around and looks at the skinny little old Sybie,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42and says "You've got to be kidding.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"This is a tough job, not for little old men like you,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"and besides, when did you ever work before chopping down trees?"
0:04:48 > 0:04:53"Well I'll have you know I used to work at the Sahara Forest."
0:04:53 > 0:04:56The lumberjack looks and says "You mean the Sahara Desert?"
0:04:56 > 0:04:58He says "Oh - now!"
0:04:58 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Jake and Becky are an old couple dating. They decide tonight's the night.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12In her apartment, Jake says "I've got to go to the bathroom."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14He goes to the bathroom, comes back out,
0:05:14 > 0:05:18and there's Becky standing on her head, legs akimbo,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21pants down, dress over her head. "Becky, what are you doing?"
0:05:21 > 0:05:25She says "I figured if you can't get it up, you could drop it in!"
0:05:25 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:29So these three old Jews are sitting on an island,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33traffic going down Broadway, as they do on most Sunday mornings.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36One of them says "Getting old, oh, I hate it, I just can't stand it."
0:05:36 > 0:05:39The other one says "Max, what's wrong with you?"
0:05:39 > 0:05:43He says "Being 85 years old, it's just every morning I get up,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"it's seven o'clock, I go to pee,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48"I stand, I push, I squeeze, nothing comes out,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50"it's a little dribble, dribble, dribble,
0:05:50 > 0:05:51"if I'm lucky. It's terrible!"
0:05:51 > 0:05:53He says "I know what you mean."
0:05:53 > 0:05:54He says "What's your problem?"
0:05:54 > 0:05:57He says "Every morning, I try and move my bowels.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02"I push, I squeeze, I grunt. Maybe raisins, if I'm lucky. It's terrible."
0:06:02 > 0:06:06The third guy says "I know what you mean. It's just awful."
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"What's your problem, Saul?"
0:06:08 > 0:06:13"Well, every morning, seven o'clock, I pee like a golden fountain.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17"Eight o'clock, I have a nice bowel movement, nice juicy plums."
0:06:17 > 0:06:19"What's wrong with that?"
0:06:19 > 0:06:22He says "I don't get out of bed until nine!"
0:06:22 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Four yentas are having lunch in a restaurant.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32The waiter comes up to their table, and says "Good afternoon, ladies!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35"Is anything all right?"
0:06:35 > 0:06:36LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:41APPLAUSE
0:06:43 > 0:06:46So this 98-year-old man goes into a sperm bank.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49And he says "Excuse me, I would like to make a deposit."
0:06:51 > 0:06:56And the nurse behind the counter says "OK, how old are you?"
0:06:57 > 0:07:01"I'm 98, and if by that question, you are questioning
0:07:01 > 0:07:07"whether I am capable of making a deposit, you are certainly mistaken.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"You see, all my parts are in perfect working order.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13"As my wife, Sadie, would attest.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18"But she can't come here today because my parts are in such working order.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22"She can't come here today because she is so tired, you understand?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25"I want to make a deposit, and I want to make it right now."
0:07:25 > 0:07:30She says "All right, all right. Here's a jar, you go in that room.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"Do you need a magazine?"
0:07:32 > 0:07:33"I don't need no magazines."
0:07:33 > 0:07:37All right, he goes in the room, about 30 seconds go by,
0:07:37 > 0:07:42and the nurse hears "Huuueewwee."
0:07:43 > 0:07:44"Hooooooeeee."
0:07:47 > 0:07:48"Hooooeeeee huuuuuooooo."
0:07:49 > 0:07:53"Wahhhhhh Oooohhhhhh."
0:07:53 > 0:07:56And she knocks on the door, and she says "Are you all right?"
0:07:56 > 0:07:59And he says "I'm having trouble opening the jar!"
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:06A woman went into the greengrocer,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09and asked the clerk for a pound of broccoli.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12"Oh man, I'm so sorry, we just don't have any broccoli today.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"How about a pound of spinach?"
0:08:14 > 0:08:16"Oh, OK, I'll have a pound a broccoli."
0:08:16 > 0:08:20"But we don't have broccoli. How about a pound of string beans?"
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"Ermmmm, all right, I'll have a pound of broccoli."
0:08:23 > 0:08:27"Ma'am, we just don't have any broccoli. How about some asparagus?"
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"No, I'll have a pound of broccoli."
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Exasperated, he said to her "Ma'am, can you spell cat,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35"as in catastrophic?"
0:08:35 > 0:08:37"Of course, C-A-T."
0:08:37 > 0:08:39"Can you spell dog, as in dogmatic?"
0:08:39 > 0:08:42She says "Of course, D-O-G."
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"Can you spell fuck, as in broccoli?"
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"There's no fuck in broccoli!"
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:48 > 0:08:51"That's what I was trying to tell you..."
0:08:51 > 0:08:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Three guys are going to be executed. A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11They each get a chance to pick their last meal.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15They ask the Italian "What do you want?"
0:09:15 > 0:09:16He said "Pasta primavera.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18"I love pasta primavera."
0:09:18 > 0:09:21So they bring him the pasta, he eats it, they shoot him.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24They say to the Frenchman, "What would you like?"
0:09:24 > 0:09:29The Frenchman said "Filet mignon. Bring me a huge filet mignon."
0:09:29 > 0:09:31He eats it, they shoot him.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34They say to the Jew, "What would you like?"
0:09:34 > 0:09:37And the Jew goes "Strawberries."
0:09:37 > 0:09:39They say "Strawberries?!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"We don't have any strawberries, they're out of season!"
0:09:42 > 0:09:44The Jew goes "I'll wait!"
0:09:44 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:51There's a very wealthy man who likes exotic pets.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53He goes into a pet store and he says
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"I would like the most exotic pet that you have in the store."
0:09:56 > 0:09:59The pet store owner says "I happen to have something.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01"It's a centipede that talks, and sings opera."
0:10:01 > 0:10:03He says "It talks and sings?"
0:10:03 > 0:10:05He says "Yeah, come."
0:10:05 > 0:10:10So they get the centipede out. He actually carries on a conversation with the centipede.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13The centipede start singing, he says "I'll take it," and pays.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16He gets this little house that the centipede lives in.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21He brings it home, he's having a great time. The centipede sings for him, he carries on conversations.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26He says "I have to share this with my friends." He says to him "Come on, we'll go down to the bar,
0:10:26 > 0:10:30"we'll have a drink, I'll show you off to my friends, we'll have a great time."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32No response.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36"Come on! We'll go down to the bar, we'll have a drink, and have a good time."
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Still no response.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42He goes and starts banging on this little house where the centipede is.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45"Come on, come on, come on! "We're going to go down."
0:10:45 > 0:10:47The centipede sticks its head out and says
0:10:47 > 0:10:50"I heard you the first time, I'm putting on my shoes!"
0:10:50 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Mr Robinowitz hires a little girl to work in his office,
0:10:59 > 0:11:00and she's a beauty.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02And he's got the hots for her.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06He tries to make talk with her, and she ignores him.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08One day he says "Let me take you out to dinner.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10"You can have anything you want."
0:11:10 > 0:11:12She says "OK."
0:11:12 > 0:11:14So he takes to this high-class restaurant,
0:11:14 > 0:11:18and they sit down, and she sits, and she orders a double lobster cocktail,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21and a big bowl of soup, and a gorgeous salad,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24and a big steak with all the trimmings,
0:11:24 > 0:11:25crepes Suzette for dessert.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29And she orders a bottle of champagne. He's looking at her.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30He says "Tell me, darling,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32"your mother cooks for you like this?"
0:11:32 > 0:11:35She says "My mother is not looking to fuck me!"
0:11:35 > 0:11:36LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Man goes into a Jewish food store,
0:11:39 > 0:11:40and he tells the clerk
0:11:40 > 0:11:44"Mister, do you have dates?"
0:11:44 > 0:11:47He says "Dates? I don't have dates."
0:11:47 > 0:11:49He said "OK, do you have nuts?"
0:11:49 > 0:11:51"Why would I have nuts?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53"I would have dates."
0:11:53 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER
0:12:04 > 0:12:06So Jake and Becky are married for 50 years.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It is their 50th anniversary.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Becky asks Jake, "Jake, all these years,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"have you been faithful to me?"
0:12:12 > 0:12:15"Of course. Never have I strayed in 50 years. And you, Becky?"
0:12:15 > 0:12:18"Well..." "Becky, did you hear me?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20She says "Yeah, I heard you, Jake."
0:12:20 > 0:12:21He says "You're not answering."
0:12:21 > 0:12:24She says "Well, I'm telling you - three times."
0:12:24 > 0:12:26"Three times?! Tell me!"
0:12:26 > 0:12:31"Don't worry, Jake. The first time, remember, you opened up that little dry goods store on Main Street,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"you had trouble getting a favourable lease
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"because of that momzer landlord?
0:12:35 > 0:12:39"I went to see the landlord. You got the favourable lease, didn't you?"
0:12:39 > 0:12:44He says "You're right." "Second time Jake, you remember you were having financial difficulties,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"and you wanted to get a loan at the bank?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50"The loan officer wouldn't lend you a nickel. You got your loan, didn't you, Jake?"
0:12:50 > 0:12:53He says "That's true. What was the third time?"
0:12:53 > 0:12:55She says "Remember a couple of years ago,
0:12:55 > 0:12:59"you ran for president at the Temple, and you were 15 votes shy?"
0:12:59 > 0:13:00LAUGHTER
0:13:00 > 0:13:04This old Jewish man is walking in the Sinai Desert
0:13:04 > 0:13:06and he kicks something hard.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08He bends down and it's an urn.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12He picks up the urn and a genie comes out of the urn and says,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14"I will grant you two wishes."
0:13:14 > 0:13:16And the old Jewish man says,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18"OK, here's my first wish."
0:13:18 > 0:13:21He gets down on one knee and with his finger, he makes a map in the sand.
0:13:21 > 0:13:27And he says, "Look, here's Israel, here's Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Yemen, Saudi Arabia."
0:13:27 > 0:13:31He says, "My first wish is... I want to make it all Israel."
0:13:31 > 0:13:38The genie says, "Not going to happen. It's absolutely impossible."
0:13:38 > 0:13:41The old Jewish man says, "Well, why?"
0:13:41 > 0:13:45He says, "We've got thousands and thousands of years of culture
0:13:45 > 0:13:48"and language and boundaries and territories.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51"It's impossible, I cannot do it."
0:13:51 > 0:13:55So the old Jewish man says, "All right, well,
0:13:55 > 0:14:02"for my second wish, I wish my wife Becky will perform oral sex on me."
0:14:02 > 0:14:06And the genie says, "Let me take a look at that map one more time."
0:14:06 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:15These two ladies meet and she says, "Hi, how are you doing?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"I haven't seen you for a while,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19"how's your husband?"
0:14:19 > 0:14:23"Oh, my husband, he's such a wonderful man. He's a doll.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27"Every Shabbos, he brings home a bouquet of flowers for me."
0:14:27 > 0:14:33She said, "Flowers, I hate flowers. I can't stand flowers." "Why?"
0:14:33 > 0:14:37"Because you know what I have to do when he comes home with flowers?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:40"What?"
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"I have to lie down and spread my legs."
0:14:43 > 0:14:45"Oh, my, don't you have a vase?!"
0:14:45 > 0:14:47LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Two Hasidic Jews...
0:14:53 > 0:14:59Sam and Abe, own a garment business. They strike it rich, they really are making a lot of money.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02They go to the tailor, Pincus, to get new suits.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05They say, "Pincus, we want new suits, but this time, we want them to be black."
0:15:05 > 0:15:10"It's got to be black black." And the guy they go to is Marcus Pincus, the tailor and they say,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Marcus Pincus, we want black suits."
0:15:12 > 0:15:16"Last time, the suits were a dark grey, or something."
0:15:16 > 0:15:20"Not red black, not green black, not a purple black, it's got to be black."
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"We want them to be black."
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Pincus says, "OK, I guarantee they'll be black.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29"In fact, I'm going to use the same cloth I use to make habits for nuns."
0:15:29 > 0:15:32"I'm going to make you suits like... You're going to love it."
0:15:32 > 0:15:36They come back in two weeks, put the suits on, they fit beautifully.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38The Jews are walking down the street in their new suits
0:15:38 > 0:15:41and they see two nuns walking towards them.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46They look at each other and say, "You know, it doesn't look black."
0:15:46 > 0:15:48And they walk over to the nuns
0:15:48 > 0:15:52and one of them grabs one of the nuns' sleeves and holds it up next to his suit.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55And they're like this, it's like this.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00So one nun says to the other, "Did you see, they were touching us! No respect, it was awful."
0:16:00 > 0:16:04"What did they say?" The nun says, "Well, I think they said something in Latin."
0:16:04 > 0:16:06"What do you mean, Latin?" "One said to the other..."
0:16:06 > 0:16:08"Pincus fucked us."
0:16:08 > 0:16:11LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Why are Jewish men circumcised?
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Because no Jewish woman will touch anything
0:16:22 > 0:16:24that's not 20% off.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:29A man is driving down the highway one day.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34He sees a sign by the side of the road. It says, "Talking dog inside."
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Doesn't have very much to do that day, so figures he'll check it out.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42So he goes inside, man behind the counter.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45He says, "I understand that you have a talking dog."
0:16:45 > 0:16:47He says, "Yes, I do." He says, "Can I see it?"
0:16:47 > 0:16:51He says, "Sure, go round the back, you'll see the talking dog."
0:16:51 > 0:16:54So he goes round to the back of the store and, sure enough,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57there's an old mangy dog, lying there in the corner.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00He goes up to the dog and says, "Excuse me, are you the talking dog?"
0:17:00 > 0:17:03And the dog looks up and says, "Yes, I am."
0:17:03 > 0:17:06He says, "Well, that's amazing! How did you learn how to talk?"
0:17:06 > 0:17:10"Really, there's not much I can tell you.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14"When I was growing up, all my other litter mates, they would bark,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18"they would howl, but I would talk. It just came naturally."
0:17:18 > 0:17:20"He says, "That's an amazing thing.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24"Did you ever do anything to capitalise on this amazing talent of yours?"
0:17:24 > 0:17:29He said, "Oh, yes, shortly after I reached adulthood,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31"I was a young dog, I joined the CIA.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34"They assigned me to go behind the Iron Curtain.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39"I went to Warsaw, I went to Prague, I spent some time in Moscow.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42"People would talk freely in front of me, because I'm a dog,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45"and then I would report back to my case officer.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47"We had many intelligence coups that way."
0:17:47 > 0:17:53He says, "That's really sensational! Did you do anything after the CIA?"
0:17:53 > 0:17:56He says, "Yeah, I went to work for the State Department,
0:17:56 > 0:18:00"I was at the Court of St James, I was at the American Embassy in London,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03"I went to Paris, I served several years there.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06"Frankly, I got tired of being away from home.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09"I came back here and met a beautiful female dog, we got married
0:18:09 > 0:18:14"and we have a beautiful litter and I'm settled down now. This is what I'm doing."
0:18:14 > 0:18:18He says, "That's sensational. Wait a minute, I'll be right back."
0:18:18 > 0:18:21He goes around to the front of the store and he says,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24"I don't suppose you'd be willing to sell this dog?"
0:18:24 > 0:18:27He says, "Sure, I'd be willing to sell him."
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"How much would you want for this dog?"
0:18:29 > 0:18:30He says, "10."
0:18:30 > 0:18:34"10?! For a dog that's so fantastic?!"
0:18:34 > 0:18:39He says, "Ah, he's full of shit, he never did any of those things."
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Fella from the golf course, just before he hits the ball,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45a ball comes down and hits him and, "Oh, oh, oh!"
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Terrible pain, terrible pain.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Cart comes up, young lady jumps out. She says, "Oh, sir, I'm terribly sorry you're in such pain."
0:18:52 > 0:18:54"It's OK, it's OK."
0:18:54 > 0:18:57She says, "I'm a nurse, I wonder if I can help relieve the pain?"
0:18:57 > 0:19:00He says, "OK, OK, go ahead."
0:19:00 > 0:19:04She goes over, she unzips his fly, reaches in and starts to massage him.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06About a minute later, she says, "How's it feel?"
0:19:06 > 0:19:10"Oh, it feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken."
0:19:10 > 0:19:13LAUGHTER
0:19:13 > 0:19:15There's a rabbis' convention in Las Vegas.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18And Rabbi Schwarz goes up to his room
0:19:18 > 0:19:20and he's unpacking
0:19:20 > 0:19:24and there's a knock at the door. He goes to the door, opens it,
0:19:24 > 0:19:28and there's a beautiful blonde standing there, in a mink coat.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31She steps in the room and she opens up the mink coat
0:19:31 > 0:19:34and she's totally naked.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35He says, "What's this?"
0:19:35 > 0:19:40"She says, "I'm a gift from Rabbi Goldberg."
0:19:40 > 0:19:44"Rabbi Goldberg?! How dare he do this?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46"I'm a religious man, he's a religious man,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49"we are here on a religious convention!"
0:19:49 > 0:19:52And he picks up the phone, dials and says,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55"Give me Rabbi Goldberg's room! Hello, Rabbi Goldberg.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58"How dare you do such a thing? This is a terrible thing,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"I'm reporting you to the Rabbinical Society!"
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Just as he's talking, the girl starts to walk away.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08He says, "Where are you going? I'm mad at him, not you!"
0:20:08 > 0:20:14This couple is in divorce court and they're before the judge and the judge grants them a divorce.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17And the woman says, "Wait a minute, I want a get."
0:20:17 > 0:20:19And the judge says, "What's a get?"
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"It's a Jewish divorce." "Well, what is a get?"
0:20:21 > 0:20:24"It's a kind of ceremony, a Jewish ceremony."
0:20:24 > 0:20:28And the judge says, "You mean a ceremony like a bris?"
0:20:28 > 0:20:31And she says, "Yes, except you get rid of the whole prick."
0:20:31 > 0:20:34LAUGHTER
0:20:41 > 0:20:43A flea goes to a travel agent and says,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46"I've worked really hard, I'd like to take a vacation."
0:20:46 > 0:20:48The travel agent says, "Where would you like to go?"
0:20:48 > 0:20:51The flea says, "I have no real preference.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"Just some place nice and warm."
0:20:53 > 0:20:57So the travel agent looks in different books and he says,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59"I've got just the place for you."
0:20:59 > 0:21:03"I can book seven days in Ringo Starr's hair.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05"Ringo Starr is in Nice, France.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08"It's nice and warm, you should have a great time."
0:21:08 > 0:21:10So the flea says, "OK."
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Four days later, the flea comes back to the travel agent.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15The travel agent says, "What's the matter?"
0:21:15 > 0:21:17He said, "That was terrible!
0:21:17 > 0:21:21"Ringo Starr stays in his room all the time, plays the drums.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"I got a headache, it was terrible."
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Travel agent says, "Well, let's see.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30"We can book seven days in Omar Sharif's moustache.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"Omar Sharif's going to be in Monte Carlo.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36"You'll have a great time there."
0:21:36 > 0:21:39So, the flea says, "Great." He goes there.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Four days later, he's back.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43The travel agent says, "What's the matter?"
0:21:43 > 0:21:45"Omar Sharif, he plays bridge all the time,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48"he's in the casino, I never saw sunlight.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49"It was a horrible vacation."
0:21:49 > 0:21:52The travel agent says, "Man, you're difficult.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"Let's see what we can do for you."
0:21:54 > 0:21:57He looks and he says, "This one, you'll love.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00"I can book seven days for you in Brigitte Bardot's muff."
0:22:00 > 0:22:03He says, "Brigitte Bardot's muff? That sounds great!
0:22:03 > 0:22:08"Where's she going to be?" He says, "San Tropez. Nice and warm, sunny."
0:22:08 > 0:22:11The flea says, "I'll go." Four days later, the flea's back.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14The travel agent says, "I don't believe it! What happened?"
0:22:14 > 0:22:18He says, "Well, every day, she was out in the sun by the pool,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20"she was listening to great music,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23"people were waiting on us hand and foot."
0:22:23 > 0:22:25The travel agent says, "What was wrong?"
0:22:25 > 0:22:29He says, "Four days later, I was in Omar Sharif's moustache again."
0:22:29 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Mr Ginsberg is a resident of Rossmore.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36He's ready to go to Florida for the winter,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38and he goes to see Dr Schwarz, an internist.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40The doctor says, "What's the problem?"
0:22:40 > 0:22:44He says, "Well, I've been having these silent gas emissions
0:22:44 > 0:22:46"and I just don't know what to do with it.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48"It's causing a lot of embarrassment."
0:22:48 > 0:22:50The doctor says, "Tell me about it."
0:22:50 > 0:22:55"The other night, we were playing bridge, my wife and I were at the Grossmans', and during the evening,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58"I probably had six or eight of these silent gas emissions
0:22:58 > 0:23:02"and created a bit of a noxious odour, but they were all silent,
0:23:02 > 0:23:03"so they were really no problem.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06"We went home, and it happened the other night at dinner,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08"so I decided to come and see you.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09"As a matter of fact,
0:23:09 > 0:23:14"I've had eight or ten of these incidents as I sit here today. What can you do for me, doctor?"
0:23:14 > 0:23:17"The first thing I'll do is send you to a hearing specialist."
0:23:17 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Fella named Joe is at the barber shop. Dominic is his barber.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29He says, "Dominic, I won't be here in three weeks for my usual haircut.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32"My wife and I are taking a trip with her friends."
0:23:32 > 0:23:35"Where are you going?" "We're going to Italy, planning to go to Rome."
0:23:35 > 0:23:37"Rome? Terrible, terrible place.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"Why don't you go to Palermo, where I'm from?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43"How are you getting there?" "We're flying Alitalia."
0:23:43 > 0:23:47"Alitalia? Terrible airline, why did you choose it?"
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"Where are you staying in Rome?" "The Hassler." "The Hassler?!
0:23:50 > 0:23:54"For tourists, a horrible place. What do you expect to do in Rome?"
0:23:54 > 0:23:59He said, "Well, the primary thing was get to the Vatican, have an audience, see the Pope."
0:23:59 > 0:24:04"Looking at the Pope will be like looking at my thumb from two football fields away, you'll see.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"Should've checked with me before you spent the money."
0:24:06 > 0:24:11Sure enough, about four weeks later, Joe is back in the barber shop.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Dominic says, "Well, I was right, wasn't I?"
0:24:13 > 0:24:16"Boy, were you wrong, Rome was a beautiful place,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"couldn't have been nicer.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23"Alitalia is perfect. I can't imagine what anyone could've done better."
0:24:23 > 0:24:27"How about The Hassler?" "The Hassler was a wonderful hotel.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"It might not compare with the hotels in the Persian Gulf,
0:24:30 > 0:24:31"but it was spectacular."
0:24:31 > 0:24:36He said, "You'll grant me that I was right about the Pope?" He said, "I was getting to that.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40"My wife and I were in the Vatican, we went to the Sistine Chapel with our friends.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43"We were leaning against the wall in the chapel,
0:24:43 > 0:24:47"looking at the wonderful ceiling, when suddenly the wall moves.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"It's a secret door. There were two priests.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"They beckoned to the four of us and led us into this tiny chapel
0:24:53 > 0:24:58"that was absolutely spectacular, very small, absolutely gorgeous.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02"Not ten feet away, the holy father himself, the Pope, is sitting there.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04"He beckons the four of us come closer
0:25:04 > 0:25:07"and puts his arm to my shoulder and looks right into my eyes.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11"He said, "Son, I want to bless you and your family and your friends.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14"But I have to tell you, I've been Pope now for ten years.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17"In every one of those years, perhaps 320, 330 days,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21"I give an audience to the faithful, here in St Peter's Square.
0:25:21 > 0:25:27"Perhaps there are between 300,000, 500,000 people at each of those audiences.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30"About half of them are men. A little simple arithmetic,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"you can figure out how many men I've seen in those days.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36"In all that time, I have never seen a worse haircut."
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:44This man goes to see his rabbi.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49He says, "Rabbi, my wife is poisoning me. I know she's poisoning me!"
0:25:49 > 0:25:51And the rabbi says, "Calm down!"
0:25:51 > 0:25:53"No, I know, but I need your advice.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54"I don't know what to do."
0:25:54 > 0:25:58The rabbi says, "Well, give me a chance to talk with her, then I'll get back to you."
0:25:58 > 0:26:05So, about three days later, the rabbi calls the guy and he says,
0:26:05 > 0:26:11"I had a long talk with your wife. I talked to her for three hours."
0:26:11 > 0:26:14And he says, "Yes, so what's your advice?"
0:26:14 > 0:26:16"Take the poison."
0:26:16 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Mr Rabinowitz is suffering from a malady that nobody can diagnose.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27They've gone up to Mass General,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Mount Sinai, University of California, University of Chicago.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Nobody can tell them what's happening.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38They finally go to a famous physician. "Mr Rabinowitz, what's bothering you?"
0:26:38 > 0:26:40He runs him through a battery of tests.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Lo and behold, they discover what's wrong.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46"Mr Rabinowitz, is your wife here?" "Yes, in the waiting room."
0:26:46 > 0:26:48She says, "Doctor, what's the matter with my Irving?"
0:26:48 > 0:26:51"Mr Rabinowitz has a very, very rare disease.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55"It's almost invariably fatal. There's only one cure for that."
0:26:55 > 0:26:58"Yes, anything!" "The only thing that will help him is oral sex."
0:26:58 > 0:27:02"What?!" "Oral sex, do you know what that means?" "Oh, yeah, oral sex, I know."
0:27:02 > 0:27:06She goes out and he says, "Sadie, Sadie, what's the doctor said?"
0:27:06 > 0:27:08"You're going to die!"
0:27:08 > 0:27:10LAUGHTER
0:27:10 > 0:27:14These two couples get married.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19They went for dinner at one of the houses and afterwards,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21the husbands are talking in the living room
0:27:21 > 0:27:23and the women in the kitchen.
0:27:23 > 0:27:30And one man said, "I was at this restaurant yesterday.
0:27:30 > 0:27:37"For 12, you can eat five meals. It's unbelievable, fantastic and the food was delicious."
0:27:37 > 0:27:40He said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
0:27:40 > 0:27:45He said, "Er, the name of the restaurant? I forgot the name of the restaurant.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49"Wait a minute, wait a minute. What's that flower?
0:27:49 > 0:27:55It's a red flower... It smells good, it's got thorns on it..."
0:27:55 > 0:27:58He said, "You mean a rose?" He said, "Yeah, that's it!
0:27:58 > 0:28:02"Hey, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant?"
0:28:02 > 0:28:04LAUGHTER
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:21 > 0:28:25E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk